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America's Latest Craze: Flushing Money Down The Toilet On "Luxury" Toilet Paper (And Going Commando)
One can understand the allure of "aspirational" wearables, no matter how idiotic one looks when peeking from under a Borg-esque (and now flopped) Google visor or when taking a selfie while chatting to their "New Paranomral" iTimex: the whole point is simply to appear more affluent, more powerful, and generally more important than the guy next door who isn't dressed like a Borg zombie and actually has a life. What, however, we can't explain is the relentless surge in sales of "luxury" toilet paper.
As the BezosPost reports, US sales of what the industry calls "luxury" rolls — anything quilted, lotioned, perfumed or ultra-soft, from two- to four-ply — climbed to $1.4 billion last year, outpacing all other kinds of toilet paper for the first time in nearly a decade, data from market research firm Euromonitor International show.
The luxury market is one-fourth the size of the standard TP market, but its prominence in Big Wipe is growing faster than many industry watchers expected. Luxury toilet paper sales have grown more than 70 percent since 2000, and they're expected to keep growing faster than all other categories every year through at least 2018.
So while 80% of the population is seeing their disposable income decline, and is perfectly happy to smash the TV the next time some clueless econopundit says wages are in fact rising (or will any second, just be patient), that one, ultra tiny portion of America whose assets are now approaching $100 trillion is officially running out of ideas what to spend their money on, so in lieu of wiping their ass with $100 bills, they will use the next best thing.
But what is most surprising, is that unlike the reverse psychology of aspirational products that has unleashed upon the world such moronic products as a $17,000 rose gold iWatch which unlike a comparably priced Rolex Dayton will be obsolete in one year when the next generation of iWatch replaces it, the "luxury" rolls are not prohibitively priced, so even if one is trying to impress someone with their exclusive ass wiping inventory, it will hardly generate much of the desired jealous response:
This style of bath tissue offers a far different kind of luxury than, say, a $17,000 watch: It's the same ol' stuff, just thicker, softer and more absorbent than other rolls. Though it's a little pricier, analysts said, nearly everyone can still afford it, making it a surprising barometer for how confident Americans are that they can afford a minor splurge.
The result: "trickle down" bubbles may be a total failure for society as a whole, but they certainly have made an impact on one's toilet bowl:
Before last year, luxury toilet paper's sales growth last beat out the other rolls in 2000 and 2005, both boom years for the U.S. economy and consumer spending. The luxury toilet paper business is expected to grow 9 percent over the next five years, compared with 6 percent for the cheapest "economy" lines.
Just like with the Apple Watch, when penetrating, so to say, an unmet market (indicatively, the toilet paper market is about $9.7 billion) it is all about crating a buzz through marketing and hype:
To compete for the luxury crowd, paper giants are paying heavily to advertise just how luxurious their rolls can be. To promote Cottonelle's new "CleanRipple" design, which spokesperson Bob Brand said would "be a differentiator in the premium bath tissue space," parent company Kimberly-Clark has sprung for TV ads that suggest users of its new high-end blend will be so clean they can "go commando." The firm also paid for reunited boy band New Kids on the Block to play a Cottonelle-sponsored concert last month in New York.
And that's how you reach the American public: "is your ass so clean that you would go commando?"
As(s) some brilliant advertising company closed the circle on that question, "Go Cottonelle, Go Commando"
Those appeals to bathroom grandeur seem to be paying off. Sales of the three-ply Quilted Northern Ultra Plush, which last year rolled out improvements to its "silkiness," jumped 30 percent in the United States last year over 2013, said Anna Umphress, a spokeswoman at consumer-goods firm Georgia-Pacific, which makes Quilted Northern and Angel Soft.
It would appear the "fantasy" of walking around without underwear has hit home with the target demographic: "sales of the three-ply Quilted Northern Ultra Plush, which last year rolled out improvements to its "silkiness," jumped 30 percent in the United States last year over 2013, said Anna Umphress, a spokeswoman at consumer-goods firm Georgia-Pacific, which makes Quilted Northern and Angel Soft."
There is some hope: not everyone is an "aspirational" tool:
Luxury toilet paper is not without its challenges, of course. It doesn't exactly have the same word-of-mouth power of other high-end purchases. And because it offers mostly superficial benefits, analysts question just how long luxury toilet paper's winning streak can continue.
"Premiumisation is a tool to drive that value, but there are limits to how far that can take you," said Svetlana Uduslivaia, Euromonitor's head of tissue and hygiene. "At the end of the day, for most consumers, toilet paper is toilet paper."
But not for everyone, and certainly not the Fed, which may have failed in its mandates (at least those not involving pushing the Apple Sachs "Industrial" Average to nosebleed records) but when it comes to forcing richer, if dumber Americans, to flush their money down the toilet it has most certainly succeeded.
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That's what happens when the 0.1% own more wealth than the bottom 90%
Maybe the 0.1% can hire a few workers to use that luxury toilet paper on their ass. That would be the ultimate luxury boast - so rich, I don't have to clean my own ass.
French royalty had that luxury before they lost their heads in an unfortunate revolution.
Very appropriate that as the economy goes into the crapper, premium toilet paper reigns supreme. I will buy the premium toilet paper when it is on sale at Target, which blots out long distant memories of sandpaper-type single ply Scott toilet paper when I did not do the buying.
"premium toilet paper" is what you are paying with at Target....
I had to look it up.....
Going commando, or free-balling for males and free-buffing for females, is the practice of not wearing underwear.
Charmin rules!
Charmin Ultra Soft Bath Tissue 2-Ply White 18ctHoorah!
Try one of these;
http://www.ebay.com/itm/Luxe-Bidet-Neo-120-Self-Cleaning-Toilet-Attachme...
and you'll quit toilet paper for good. No going back.
no thanks...never understood the practice of splashing shit water all over your backside and everywhere else.
and "Luxury" is a relative thing....Plebe wipe is membrane thin and uneconomical when folded to proper thickness...
Soon you can use real US Federal Reserve notes. Now that's luxury.
Guilty as charged. High end double roll Charmin is worth every penny
when shtf, do not spend on stack for wc paper, take a dog instead.
wc paper cannot be used as an alarm.
Don't people realize there are people in Venezuela that don't even have toilet paper?
They call themselves socialists.
Soon you can use real US Federal Reserve notes. Now that's luxury.
Soon?
I can do that today and still spend them.
Stinkin Lincolns are the most durable and cleanest...before use that is.
"never understood the practice of splashing shit water all over your backside and everywhere else."
That's because your ignorant and like to show it with lines like that.
If you want to walk a around with a stinking wiped ass crack that's your choice.
So true. I put one on every toilet, got them for my parents, and my toilet paper expenses are about $30 a year and I've never been cleaner.
>>>I had to look it up.....
Going commando, or free-balling for males and free-buffing for females, is the practice of not wearing underwear.
All I can say is that back in the 60's at Yale, Howard Dean always "went commando", an early sign of greatness to come.
Do not ask how I know this.
This is a bit more entertaining; Kramer goes Commando;
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZCt3Tjpfaro
I once got in touch with my inner self...haven't used dollar store toilet paper since. Mine come from Costco in volume.
And being just a tad over 50...going commando is NOT recommended. Sharts happen at the least expected moments.
I bet Maduro never runs out of lotioned, scented triple ply.
Just sayin ;-)
Socialism is never for the socialists...
Almost nobody in Asia uses TP for its intended purpose. They wash. With water. No nasty waste paper.
I've been to Asia a few times and the most preferred method seems to be "use the left hand" or just don't bother at all.
Besides, the squatting method, as opposed to the American sitting method, leaves a somewhat cleaner ass. The sphincter is just better able to make that pinch off.
a sphincter says what?
Pinch what off??
After a night of TexMex, hot sauce, and tequila..... there's nothing to "pinch."
It's open the door and there she blows.
Even Old Faithful couldn't clean that shit up.
Toilet Paper....... my ass.
did you wait 4 years just for the right moment to comment on your namesake subject?
I'd like to give you an extra +100 if you did
because that's a lot of holding power for a sphincter, kudos man
I did fight club for quite awile, but I kept getting my ass kicked.
Now..... just the occasional punch and run.
If the subject warrents, I'll jump the ropes and let-um fly. I've gota keep my blocks up though..... there's some pretty dang smart folks out there that pack a mighty wallop.
I pop up at the frequent use of my name, too.
Then, there's the difference in diet. Sugars and carbs are messier.
I call bullshit. Most of them use water sprayed from a hose
Most of America has been bent over so long their ass no longer closes properly, what now?
Water and the left hand leaves an asshole a helluva lot cleaner, and is a helluva lot gentler, than any "luxury" paper.
One or two encounters with dysentery in Asia or Africa, and you will be a believer as well.
Added bonus is that a lot of storage space the average prepper takes up with his obsession over toilet paper availability can be occupied with stuff actually useful. Like food. Or ammo.
You must be forgetting about the mega-drought in California. 45 million assholes and no wash water. I'll keep stacking my TP.
Long lines in Venezuela beg to differ.
http://www.bing.com/images/search?q=venezuela+toilet+paper&qpvt=venezuela+toilet+papter&qpvt=venezuela+toilet+papter&FORM=IGRE
Most of the people who use the left hand-no paper method don't wash their hand afterwards.
Is that why things in their rivers die?
Louis XIV in France, would not clean his own ass. (He was a bad king). He grand-father was a great king, and he would wipe his ass himself fight his wars himself and also worked hard to drain swamps, build a canal to connect the rivers, and sign a treaty to stop religious wars between catholics and protestants...
i call you friend.
whatever. I buy some, so what.... While I refuse to buy dumb shit like the rose gold iwatch, I like the stuff that i wipe my ass with to be soft. Sue me...
Not me- I hate that soft crap- it always tears and I come up with a dirty finger. I like my paper strong- rough- damn near like sandpaper- when I wipe, I want it to be clean!!! Soft, lotioney paper is for pussies!!!!!!!! LOL
So you prefer "John Wayne" toilet paper. It's rough and tough and don't take no shit off of nobody.
Corn cobs have uses after all.
I believe the proper term is "Groom of the Stool". Alas, its so hard to find a good one these days.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Groom_of_the_Stool
Sounds like cover for gaiety.
I always wondered why the Palace of Versailles was originally built w/o bathrooms.
I'm making over $7k a month working part time. I kept hearing other people tell me how much money they can make online so I decided to look into it. Well, it was all true and has totally changed my life. This is what I do... http://goo.gl/ezLA00
Is that how much you are paid by the Oligarchs to have their ass wiped with your nose.
Wow. The fuckin' Oligarchs are just total perverts.
As a wise man once said, "Either you use Charmin Red or you're a fucking barbarian"
Dunno about that but whatever brand it is better be coming over the top and not from underneath - the true definition of barbarism.
try owning a cat and you may revise your opinion
Yes. Been there. I made that mistake...ONCE.
So then I killed the cat. No more problem.
(not... damned creature, monster kitty from hell...shhh...do not let others know...that will screw up my persona...)
I've come to the conclusion, all I need to know is how you load a roll.
Over the top, or down the wall. It is freaky.
It's over the top for me to take you seriously.
This^
http://www.hellawella.com/sites/hellawella.com/files/resize/images/house...
"Maybe the 0.1% can hire a few workers to use that luxury toilet paper on their ass. That would be the ultimate luxury boast - so rich, I don't have to clean my own ass."
So you've heard about Congress.
Well it sure ain't the fucking politicians, they're using the Constitution.
In the old days we used Sears catalogs when we ran out of toilet paper.
Felt fortunate to have rolls of the white stuff, even if it was the cheap kind.
Bet most don't even know how to soften the paper before use.
As a kid in Colorado, the outhouse only had the Sears Catalog on a string. Moved to California desert and it was upgraded to a Sears Catalog nailed to the shitter.
The lingerie section was the last to get used.
wipe your ass with broken glass.
Get those rolls down to Venezuela, they're knee deep in some shit!
Q: What do the Star Ship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?
A: They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons
Wiping-out...Kling-ons.
I'm shocked! 15 comments, and nobody has said "I'll clean the girls' asses from that video".
How about an old classic:
I'd tongue punch that fart box.
I've always been nauseated by that saying.
That might be because they just aren't hot.
I used to steal napkins from Dunkin Donuts and Mickey D's. I could care less what I wipe my ass with as I am a starving vagabond.
But now they keep their wares behind the counter and you have to ask for napkins.
wtf!??!?
they have caught on.
:(
so now I go to the 99 cent store.
You could still go into the restroom of either place, and stuff your pants with free, acutal TP; might even improve your dating life.
It's because the quality of the non-luxury paper has plummeted, especially since 2008. I wish I were joking. Even the quality of the luxury stuff has plunged.
So being the tinfoil hat type that I am, I actually have a decently large stockpile of household products such as TP, soap, and the like, with a mixed rotation system, so I have some items that go clear back to the 90s in cases. The 2006-2007 era Kleenex Cottonelle is clearly superior to current production (and not to mention there's a shitload, pardon the pun, more TP available per roll than there is today.)
So the producers have literally created the market growth via substandard low-cost goods. Yet another form of hidden inflation, but you never hear about the BLS doing hedonic adjustments in the other direction, do you?
They're making it thinner and fluffing it with air, kind of like they do with ice cream.
Besides that, the newer generations are increasingly being trained to be consumptive robots completely reliant on corporate crap. They've been trained to not cook, to shave every last hair off their body, use their thumbs to communicate, and place great importance on celebrities and the artist of the moment versus their own slavery.
They are also winding it much more loosely on the cores. What's comical is that trick has been extended so far that they're now offering more densely wound product (at a higher price) that is marketed as requiring fewer roll replacements -- and it's winding is about the same as the normal stuff was in '07.
Soap is another one that's hedonistically adjusted over the top. A bar of Dial used to be more or less a solid rectangle, with maybe a little shallow scoop off the top and embossed lettering. Now it's a fucking banana with square ends so they don't have to change the packaging, and the delivered soap has gone from 5oz to 4oz per bar (20% reduction), and the formula changed to something that seems to just melt away. Once that started happening I searched for new soaps and stockpiled the shit out of them, knowing it was a sign of things to come, though I still have a a case of the old "good" Dial stuff.
Stockpile things that are good and become self-sufficient, 'cause the world is sucking more every day.
Bar soap makers have been cheapening for decades, but that's not what stopped me from using them. I had rental properties where the bathtub drains would become clogged with the residual bar soap. They would be stopped up with a veritable rainbow of colors.
Human fat can be fashioned into soap somehow; I saw it in a movie once.
what they did with ice cream was reduce the half-gallon size to three quarters of that
and by staggering coincidence all major manufacturers decided to make that change at the same time
probably a lot of people still don't realize they're getting 25% less product even though it's been years since
The average store-bought ice cream in the US has taken a terrible dive in quality in the last 5-10 years. I'm pretty sure they've literally taken the "cream" out of it for the most part. If you visit Europe the real stuff (even in the stores) is a quick reminder of how cleverly we are hiding our inflation over here.
The roll width on some brands is less than the standard.
2007. That might be the Cerberus - New Page - Kimberly effect.
I was wondering if any of the commenters here would cite the actual quality of Cottonelle. Recently, we attempted to test all extent TP's trying to find a replacement for a changed brand that worked fabulously. The Cottonelle was sigularly poor; breaking and separating in use; what a farce. And I remember a CEO type stating that the producat was "well recieved", which if true renders the Amerwreckan consumer demographic as butt of all ass phukking jokes.
As an aside, in anticipation of TP supply chain breakdown, in the last bath reno we installed a bidet.
Doesn't anybody use corn cobs anymore?
Pussies.
Real men prefer the hillbilly bidet (garden hose).
Wipe with the left hand and eat with the right is the way they delt with it at The Hotel Tacloban, the great novel by Doug Valentine on his father's real life experience as a WWII prisoner of war in the Phillipines.
After they really dried out they just got too itchy. I don't recommend them for pussies either. Just too rough.
It sure beats dollar bills. The intaglio printing makes them very rough.
It seems the world's biggest stupidities always have one country of origin and from there are spreading around the world.
"Disposable income" takes on a whole new meaning.
What a shitty story.
That expensive toilet paper is hell on septic tanks.
Funny ads on TV these days.
A few months ago they were interviewing men about their habits.
Cheeky fun for the Saturday doldrums.
They used to use pure silk.
Leave it to ZH to talk about shit paper.
Why not?
We discuss Yellen's green toilet paper ad infinitum here on a daily basis at The 'Hedge
Often times I shit in the morning prior to the shower, so I just bidet myself by spreading my cheeks in the shower and letting the warm water do the rest, At other times of the day, I just use paper towels or old bath towels as I often can't afford toilet paper; it can get kind of messy after 2 bowls of chile and a couple of cans of high gravity malt liqour. I do always make sure that I have toilet paper on hand when my girls stay over, but it is the cheap shit!
TMI
The ex wife steals her toilet paper from her employer's bathroom!
If the wrong boss reads that, you might say "former employer's bathroom" next week.
Yes, Super Hans is his real name, and that is his actual picture as an Avatar. Ijit.
Last year, all toliet paper manufacturers reduced the size of their rolls by 26%. The rolls went from 4.5 by 4.5 inch to 4.5 by 4 or 4 by 4...
So you get less, pay more and end up with crap on your hands...Thanks Charmin for nothing...
Here in Malaysia, I recetly bought a 4 pack of "Compact" TP. The converted price is "cheap", but what I discovered was that "Compact" is probably a reference to how tightly wound it is. I might refer to it as "Dense" given how weighty and dense an individual roll is. The Amerwreckan consumer demographic is being mined by the corporape powers, because they can.
Toilet paper is fine until you are faced with the 'infinity wiper' and you just start getting undressed while you are sitting there and reach over to turn the shower on.
http://www.theguardian.com/environment/2007/apr/23/musicnews.music
..now that's a cheap date.
The Bezos POST is right on. I've been a subscriber the the WashPost for 25 years, and ever since this Dweeb bought the paper it has gone beyond beyond. All the "reporters" are smiling 20-30 somethings with "resumes" from Blogs....just sooooo glad to be able to put the Washington Post up on their Linkd-in "hire me" Page.
for instance the NATIONAL BUSINESS REPORTER FOR THE WASHINGTON POST who penned this story. Check out the other hard hitting Business Stories he Broke on the National Scene. Thie stuff that will take down thieving top management and expose corruption at the highest levels.
SMILE
http://www.washingtonpost.com/people/drew-harwell
Can an earnest filmmaker win entry into the land of ‘Sex Box’ and ‘Bridalplasty’?
What $4,595 “glass slippers” say about Disney’s princess sales machine
Why America fell out of love with golfDrew is just a pic taken at random from a Data Base of Smilers...while the "stories" are actually BOT written.
+1,000 to izzee
Drew looks like he also uses his credit card to talk to women...
They STILL don't know how to use the 3 sea shells?
It's about time. I am sick to death of eating corn on the cob
Toilet paper for assholes " punt intended "
On a related subject, there are still no tampons in central Argentina. Plenty of pads though. Supermarkets are stocked full of those. Have more shelf-space than mayonaise (which is saying something in Argentina). The whole we use only maxi-pads mystique of Argentina has not prevented most young (and not-so-young) women from wearing skin-tight pants everywhere they go, however.
The only toilet paper worth a damn is the $.99 1000 sheet roll of Scotts. One roll lasts weeks. The newer Charmin has about 4 ft of paper and lasts about two shits.
Once you have a kid you start adding up the cost of taking a shit. Sorry but a roll of toilet paper that costs $4 isnt worth it. Sure Luvs may have triple layer piss absorbtion, but when your kid goes through ten a day, you're buying no names.
Wiping with triple layer quilted paper gives me a rash because it always leaves paper behind. I finaly won the argument about two ply TP with my wife when she realized it was pointless because you always use the same length of paper per wipe and wad. Two ply paper was invented so people would go through twice as much and need to buy more. It was never about comfort.
It was the late comedian John Pinette, who came up with the tag line for Charmin, "Be good to your go," in his "I Say 'Nay Nay!'" tour.
Pinette was the guy who got mugged in the Seinfeld finale. Then the Seinfeld team was taken to jail for failing to be good Samaritans.
So, if 25& are using these ... what are the 1% using?
They have serfs who wipe and wash their asses after every shit.
We wiped some folks' asses...
Not as creepy as those Charmin commercials. Really, a fucking bear with dingle berries and the mother cleaning them off with a brush....I just wanna know what the fuck is going on at Charmin, really.
Dad tells a story from Viet Nam where they had this new guy that was all smart and shit.
They get to talking about dingleberries and it's immediately obvious that the kid has no idea what they're talking about.
Back and forth they talk about big, ripe, dingleberries and the best method of picking them.
It gets to the point that the newbee has to cut in about how his mom makes the best dingleberry pies of all time.
"Really?" They ask, and get him to elaborate on where he got his dingleberries, how he picked them, the best way to clean them before making a pie...
Best advice for Newbies on Zero Hedge. Shut the fuck up, listen and ask questions.
Eating a steady diet of C-rats pretty much eliminated the need for that little pack of folded up paper entirely, plus we were young and able to shit on demand- things change with time.
Shake it like a cat and bury the evidence is the approved method grunts use everywhere.
The newer Federal Reserve TP keeps getting little plastic strips and microchips caught in one's 'chocolate tunnel'.
Such poor workmanship, if only there were another use for these 'dollars' or whatever they are called.......
Ferns and oak leaves are better.
You know - have you ever wondered...? How is it that what goes in the topside orafice for the most part, smells good and tastes even better, right? So how is it that such lovely taste-bud titilation a few hours later, turns into a substance with a look and smell reserved for something near Dante's inner circle...? There must be some divine reason...
That's why we call it SHIT instead of FOOD.
I hate crappy toilet paper.
Your forgetting the wipes. A whole generation of kids being brought up with wet wipes in the bathroom. They market them for potty training but the kids do not want to give them up once they start wiping their own asses. There are now some individually wrapped for men to carry in their wallets.
It was worth wading through the scatalogical references and the strange obsession with the back passage (Gee I never got the memo about keeping that part clean) to get to the last paragraph:
"the Apple Sachs "Industrial" Average".
A hearty laugh is alway a good way to start the morning.
4-ply toilet paper? Definitely good for the economy, as a plumber I can tell you that 4-ply keeps me busy unplugging shitters...
the best way to clean your ass is to spray with water.
Full spectrum dominance has morphed into total anal flatulence as the Empire of Chaos gets the stinky finger and flushed. Merca has its cone head so far up its a$$ so why shouldn't the diarrehea spewing empire of carnage be anally fixated as its IOU Saudi Mercan fiat petroscrip toilet paper "reserve currency" dollah gets flushed from the rigged market "economic" system of the clogged Ponzi crapper in the chosen racer money changing Wall St casino sewer in the mother of all toxic derivative filth tsunamis coming home to swamp US after a century of genocide and crud?
Just coz we are so full of smug shinola doesn't mean nobody else is gonna plunge and flush this foul shitter we call USSA. So 3 ply that the next time more brown stuff comes out your mouth than your a$$.
Not using TP is why those Muslims got the red ass all the time. Wouldn't you just love wiping that shit with your bare hand and cleaning it off with sand. because where you going to get water in the desert. Allah is smelly, motherfuckers.
Once we go full Venezuela everyone will be doing the poodle scoot, if they have anything to eat that is.
I would like to do a survey of ZH'ers.
I have a contact in China that is paper and he can get supplies of toilet paper printed.
I'm thinking of ordering some sample rolls with the faces of nuland, obummer and benwanker et all on them..
Do you think they would sell, would you buy and have say a roll of obummers pictures in te bog for guests to use to wipe the shit up.
I know I would, especially just to see the face of the retarded brother in law who is a dyed in the wool obummer cock sucker.
He is a fat fuck too, eats like a pig and always takes a dump when my sister drags him here, so it must really gall when he finds that there is nothing else to use buy the face of his hero and has to do it over and over as he has such a fat arse, so would love to try this out.
just vote up yes you would buy and down for you wouldn't
I would if Bonzai did the artwork.
Try to get some KORAN tp.
Everyone would probably end up poisoned by the ink the Chinese would use
No matter how one uses paper, no matter how fashionable, comfortable, sqeezable and all the other dainty adjectives applied; The use of the stuff, in the "end" still amounts to nothing more than smearing shit all over one's "end." Washing away the stuff is the only true way to clean.
You have not experienced utilitarian TP until you have used the stuff on French railways.
What a stupid post. So using 2 ply toilet paper is a luxury and people who do that are either wealthy or morons? Sure. Why even wipe your ass if you use 1 ply paper? It's fragile and you will end up using more 1 ply than you would 2 ply.
Toilet paper in general is stupid as is. Do people actually wash their hands and shower or do they just wipe their body with a towel? That commando advertising is hilarious given tp doesn't get you anywhere close to clean.
I must be in the 0.000001% since I use an electronic bidet seat to clean my ass both because it is far more hygenic and logical (again, it comes back to the whole do you use a towel to clean hands/body or use water) and far better for what is one of the most sensitive and delicate parts of your body. Rubbing it with recycled newspaper isn't appealing nor does sometimes getting raw because of all the rubbing feel nice. I wiped my ass for the first 30 years of my life and it sickens me to think about how disgusting that was. The last 6 years of bidet seat use has been great.
The funny thing with using a bidet seat is so many 'Mericans mock it because 'Merica is retarded when it comes to hygiene. They think using water to clean your ass is silly or crazy but wiping with recycled newspaper makes sense. I guess if they ever get dog shit on their hands they just wipe it with a towel rather than using water. Brilliant.
The obesity epidemic has resulted on a lot of fat-arse / sphincter chaffing.
Hence the increased demand for softer toilet paper, that has to also wipe more area.
The math’s (and imagery) of this is just plain ugly, but cannot be denied.
Too much fiber in our diets.
It is about the Hemorrhoids.
Bear says to the rabbit: does shit stick to your fur?
Rabbit says: nope
So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.
Now that's some premium. Go commando!
Bidets would solve this problem.
Why do we still not have bidets? Seriously, America. Whatever. I got mine for $30 on Amazon and now my asshole is pristine.
Are bidet's illegal in California yet?
Pop rock singer Cheryl Crow uses only one toilet paper sheet per shit session. (If it's two-ply, she separates the sheets and saves one for the next time.) She's environmentally responsible. She would like to see a presidential executive order requiring everyone to follow the same practice.
Until this morning I didn't know what "Going Commando" meant.
Thanks Tyler. Zero Hedge is an endless education.
I haven't used TP since 2000. Baby wipes puts paper to shame. Been going comanddo since the 80's. This is waaay behind the times!
Yeh great idea. I guess you don't have a septic system, you would have trashed that by now and spent 10 grand putting in a new one. And by the way, those supersoft triple plys don't disintegrate that easily either. So you MacMansion 7 bedroom 7 full, 3 half bathers, Flush moar of that stuff...figure a full septic for your "god's 10 acres" should run about 50Gs.
http://www.nytimes.com/2015/03/15/nyregion/the-wet-wipes-box-says-flush-...
The city is not alone. Wet wipes, which do not disintegrate the way traditional toilet paper does, have plagued Hawaii and Alaska, Wisconsin and California. Sewer systems have been stuffed in Portland, Ore., and Portland, Me. Semantic debates have visited Charleston, W.Va., challenging the latitude of “flushability.” “I agree that they’re flushable,” said Tim Haapala, operations manager for the Charleston Sanitary Board. “A golf ball is flushable, but it’s not a good idea.”
Wet wipes ruin domestic (USA) processing plants. Even the ones with the adverts claiming you can flush them.
This is why you can't flush paper in a lot of countries in the world.
Well done for admitting you're a fucking tool. [Edit - should have been a daughter of the post above, point was made there]
Argentina has John Wayne tolet paper.
Tough as nails
and dont take no shit.
Henry was the son of a farmer in a poor district of the country. One day his Uncle Festus came to visit. Since there were limited accommodations, they would have to sleep together.
When Uncle Festus came into the bedroom, he saw Henry kneeling at the side of the bed with his head bowed and hands clasped.
Thinking this was the child's religious upbringing, he decided to present a good example and kneeled at the other side of the bed with his head bowed.
Henry looked up and said, "Whatcha doin'?"
"Why, the same thing you're doing", replied Uncle Festus.
"Ma's gonna be some mad", said Henry, "The pot's on this side."
This increase in using luxury TP is pretty to understand. Immigrants who come from countries that have sandpaper for TP or none at all, are buying the good stuff now that they are Americans who get their premium TP paid for by you the taxpayer.
Two things:
The first is that no-one should care what you wipe your perfect peach upon unless it blocks and destroys your municipal systems you don't understand (wet wipes). At the business end, I have far less sympathy for those who wipe out infrastructure ignorantly than pampered pets.
The second is that the funniest thing I remember from the 90's was a Malaysian shadow puppet play that merged ancient myths with their industrialization and the the absolute horror that revolved around cutting up trees to wipe your ass with - a huge cultural "EWWWWW, THAT'S SO DIRTY AND UNSANITARY" that had the audience in tears. [cf Bidets]. The point of the play was that Westerners were cutting down ancient forests to wipe their asses with, and probably explains why shaking hands became a cultural anti-meme for a while over there.
Commodity fetish is a sickness though. We've had designer condoms (TROJAN(tm) - because your penis size really depends on the brand you're seen with) and designer tampons and even designer sanitary pads (really. I'm not going to link this). Wider impact: if you can't wipe your own behind without worrying about anything but a clean rim (and fingernail, if you're trained) then you might need to stop existing like a neurotic joke.
...I have no more words to convey my complete disgust with the entire US/western society, only a gesture.
>.<
*Double facepalm*