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According To The TSA, You May Be A Terrorist If...

Tyler Durden's picture




 

We were eager to assist the FBI with their recent push to ensure that New Yorkers remain “vigilant” when it comes to identifying and reporting ISIS “recruits and people who may carry out attacks,” but as we noted when the directive was first issued, “it was unclear what a person, pardon, recruit who ‘may carry out attacks in NYC’ looks like.’” Lacking guidance, we speculated that Twitter usage in conjunction with Nutella eating could well be a tell-tale sign, only to learn that the real giveaway is traveling to Turkey from Egypt with an iPod. 

Fortunately, the TSA has issued a set of guidelines that, if interpreted correctly, will assist in the identification of terrorists who may seek to use planes as instruments of jihad. The full list is below, but we would note that you don’t have to be a certified “Behavior Detection Officer” to determine that if an individual “appears to be in disguise,” shenanigans may be afoot. Other signs of intent to commit a terrorist act include: showing up late, yawning, having recently shaved, blinking, “bulging” neck arteries, demonstrating an inability to match carry-on with body type, inability to assimilate to latest fashion trends, chest beating, crying, laughing, talking, and, worst of all, smelling bad. 

*  *  *

When asked about the effectiveness of the screening guidelines, one former TSA Behavior Detection Officer told The Intercept the following:

"[It's] complete bullshit."

 

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Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:36 | 5943066 Kirk2NCC1701
Kirk2NCC1701's picture

You DON'T like a rectal exam?

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:37 | 5943073 TruthInSunshine
TruthInSunshine's picture

I'll never "recently shave" again before going through TSA checkpoints at the airport.

Good to know.

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:42 | 5943078 y3maxx
y3maxx's picture

...My teeth fillings are possible terrorists...

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:42 | 5943105 Dr. Richard Head
Dr. Richard Head's picture

TSA (Terrorists Scaring Americans) are booosheeeettttt!

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:46 | 5943131 bania
bania's picture

My chest beating habit is going to do me in.

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:49 | 5943143 MagicHandPuppet
MagicHandPuppet's picture

So, people nervous around TS Assholes or flying in general now are said to behave like terrorists... great.  I'm pretty sure I score highly everytime I'm forced to go to the airport.  

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:58 | 5943195 Took Red Pill
Took Red Pill's picture

So what kind of terrorist are you?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XhVpoRaTdj0

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:59 | 5943204 pods
pods's picture

Easy way around this one.

Don't fly.

Airline free since ~2005 here.

pods

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 16:12 | 5943249 ParkAveFlasher
ParkAveFlasher's picture

Do half-elves get +1 to magic spells?  I always wanted to be one of those.

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 16:15 | 5943257 Four chan
Four chan's picture

i dont see muslim on there.

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 16:24 | 5943289 BLOTTO
BLOTTO's picture

What about taking a shit on the floor - is that ok?

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 16:41 | 5943351 HowdyDoody
HowdyDoody's picture

Only if it is less than 150 ml. You may have to taste it. Or feed it to your baby or something. Don't smoke it though. 'Just smoking my shit' will get you into real trouble.

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 16:55 | 5943407 NidStyles
NidStyles's picture

"Terrorists are just people that don't agree with the New World Order."

 

~paraphrase

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 17:08 | 5943452 RU-GAY2
RU-GAY2's picture

Buh Bitcoin!!

 

https://btc-e.com

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 18:27 | 5943654 SilverIsKing
SilverIsKing's picture

So if we all show up late, yawn, shave before leaving for the airport, blink, make sure our neck arteries are bulging, make sure our carry-on and body type don't match, wear grandma's or grandpa's clothes, beat our chests, cry, laugh, talk, and refrain from taking a shower for a few days before the flight, we can bring down the system! 

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 18:36 | 5943683 CapnJackDaniel
CapnJackDaniel's picture

Does it have to be your chest?

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 18:59 | 5943758 macholatte
macholatte's picture

 

You can beat your chest and your friend can beat his chest but you can't beat your friend's chest, or any chest belonging to anyone named Kardashian or Rodman.

 

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 20:08 | 5943932 nmewn
nmewn's picture

Correct, its clearly stated in sub paragraph ff of section 201 which references the same in sections 195 & 316 for everyones further review.

These bureaucrats certainly stay busy ;-)

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 19:40 | 5943871 Bananamerican
Bananamerican's picture

"demonstrating an inability to match carry-on with body type"

WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS EVEN MEAN??

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 20:17 | 5943957 nmewn
nmewn's picture

I think it means take the guy in the Hawaiian shirt & cargo shorts carrying the Chanel handbag in the back room and film him being finger fucked by Joie but I'm not sure.

If nothing else they can use it for training purposes!

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 20:30 | 5943997 Joe Davola
Joe Davola's picture

Well there goes my strawberry shortcake wheel-on that fits in the overhead.

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 21:13 | 5944111 SumTing Wong
SumTing Wong's picture

That's the last time I carry my four year old's Hello Kitty backpack for her. 

Sorry, darling, but you'll have to handle that one yourself so the TSA doesn't handle Daddy all over and all inside.

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 20:20 | 5943971 DeadFred
DeadFred's picture

You're a buff 220 pound guy and you have a pink overnight case with bows. SF airport gets a lot of full bodysearches because of this point but there haven't been any complaints to date.

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 23:11 | 5944402 Dragon HAwk
Dragon HAwk's picture

I see what you did there...

 

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 23:15 | 5944411 TheReplacement
TheReplacement's picture

Seems rather sexist.  Sexism means lawsuit.  Lawsuit means money. 

Honey, can I borrow your bag?  I need to go for a trip... retirement planning.

What the heck, I'm already getting screwed.  Might as well get a drink and a movie (for a fee of course) while I'm at it.

Tue, 03/31/2015 - 05:05 | 5944741 RaceToTheBottom
RaceToTheBottom's picture

For a while it was leather jackets.  Every time I wore a black leather jacket I got pulled out of line and given the third degree.

Tue, 03/31/2015 - 09:13 | 5945047 Grinder74
Grinder74's picture

Were your jeans rolled up, and were you constantly combing your greased hair?

Tue, 03/31/2015 - 09:26 | 5945075 Arnold
Arnold's picture

It was the unfiltered Camels in the shirt sleeve.

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 20:06 | 5943928 Condition 1SQ
Condition 1SQ's picture

durrrrrrrr

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 17:57 | 5943580 tc06rtw
tc06rtw's picture

Why do you think they call it “The New World Odor”?

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 17:49 | 5943559 UselessEater
UselessEater's picture

Dear BLOTTO,

Learn how to take shit, like an automaton or a well bred sheep.

Docile, compliant and totally accepting when physically handled. Its called breeding and training. The best schools & teevee teach it. Catch up.

Sincerely,

Bred for Queenie

 

Tue, 03/31/2015 - 06:33 | 5944789 August
August's picture

And when your new brothers put you in that coffin, just close your eyes and think of Yale.

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 18:01 | 5943586 bonin006
bonin006's picture

Only if you work for the EPA

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 22:35 | 5944332 UselessEater
UselessEater's picture

then you'd get a green finger??

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 23:16 | 5944414 TheReplacement
TheReplacement's picture

Thumb.  The phrase is green thumb.

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 16:26 | 5943297 pods
pods's picture

No worries, from what I have heard of the TSA, they aren't smart enough to fill out those forms anyways.

Simple minded creatures, filled with basal desires.

pods

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 17:42 | 5943550 Pairadimes
Pairadimes's picture

It would take TSA all day to board a single flight using the indicators on this document, not to mention the groping of crotches, stealing of iPads and cleaning up the occasional spilled colostomy bag.

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 17:53 | 5943569 UselessEater
UselessEater's picture

So I ask...who is compensating the airlines as fewer and fewer people are premitted to board after purchasing a ticket.

Oh, just got it -buy your ticket first, lose your flight second, no refund. Duh!

Now, how have the actuaries claculated this future loss in repeat passenger bookings?

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 16:39 | 5943346 thamnosma
thamnosma's picture

Pods, I stopped after 9/11.  My last flight was to NYC on 8/11/01 with my usual shuttle taking to the WTC. 

Yeah, no more Europe trips, but I did my share.  Frankly, driving or taking Amtrak is a lot more fun and I have the time when I need to travel.

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 17:37 | 5943529 A Nanny Moose
A Nanny Moose's picture

Ramtrack usually has a far superior beer selection to that of the airlines.

Horizon Air being a very notable exception. The only thing better than breakfast beer, is free breakfast beer.

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 20:24 | 5943983 thamnosma
thamnosma's picture

If you're in the sleeper car you can even bring your own booze. 

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 20:33 | 5944011 Falling Down
Falling Down's picture

December of '02, here. Taking my shoes off for the mouth breathers broke me, haven't flown since.

The Lake Shore Limited is a pretty good train, when it's on time, although you have to allow Amtrak some fudge factor regarding their schedules.

 

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 20:23 | 5943981 thinkmoretalkless
thinkmoretalkless's picture

Airport free since 2011. Easier the quitting smoking. (Smoking was pleasurable). Cell phone is next...don't have it with me unless necessary. No sense making it easy to track you.

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:49 | 5943147 Herd Redirectio...
Herd Redirection Committee's picture

Woe upon the person who arrives "smelling bad, late, crying, and unassimilated with latest fashion trends".

What, they will grope you two times?

 

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:56 | 5943188 McMolotov
McMolotov's picture

Grope me two times, baby

Grope me twice today

Grope me two times, girl

'Cause I'm goin' away

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 19:47 | 5943890 prefan4200
prefan4200's picture

LMFAO, McMolotov !  +1000

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:56 | 5943190 Agstacker
Agstacker's picture

If they are not wearing an iwatch, pull them aside for further inspection.

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 16:09 | 5943242 Arnold
Arnold's picture

If they are wearing an I watch, it is correlated indicator of mental health concerns.

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 17:38 | 5943531 Pairadimes
Pairadimes's picture

If they are wearing an iWatch, the battery is most likely dead, which explains why they were late.

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 16:49 | 5943381 sleigher
sleigher's picture

Wanted the let you all know I will be hosting a class at the local community college about how to match your carry-on with your body type.

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 17:53 | 5943568 MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

I am a woman. The last time I flew I got singled out of line for "enhanced inspection" coming and going. It was like they saw me and immediately channeled me, signaling across the area, pointing me out to each other. Now I know why (I did not before). I had a military style back pack, rather than pull luggage. It is a little more work to carry, but I like the workout just fine.

I'm lookin' like a terrorist, to the terrorists. 

I like that.

Fuck them.

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 18:37 | 5943684 Hulk
Hulk's picture

You had Mscreant written all over your face ! Thats what done you in !!!

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 18:53 | 5943726 Tall Tom
Tall Tom's picture

You are on the Watch List.

 

Congratulations. There is no way off of the list once you are on it.

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 19:46 | 5943889 El Vaquero
El Vaquero's picture

Does that mean she gets a free iWatch if she is on the watch list?

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 19:43 | 5943877 Bananamerican
Bananamerican's picture

"I am a woman."

 Ms, Were you wearing your breasts on that trip?

Dead giveaway of having a terrorist "mindset"

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 19:50 | 5943898 Miffed Microbio...
Miffed Microbiologist's picture

My eyes are up here buddy.

In some circumstances it would be nice to remove them. Also, when your husband it driving it is not wise to impulsively respond to " Flash your Rack" on a pickup truck. Unfortunately I had not restricted my learning to formal education.

Miffed;-)

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 19:57 | 5943910 nmewn
nmewn's picture

"My eyes are up here buddy."

I'm sorry, wut? ;-)

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 21:19 | 5944125 EBT excepted
EBT excepted's picture

d'men kayn't look da wimun in d'eyes, cuz breast-a-sas gots no eyes...

 

 

 

 

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 21:36 | 5944169 nmewn
nmewn's picture

Its one of my character flaws, however, there was this waitress at Hooters in the Jax Landing this weekend with the most piercing, lovely, pale-green eyes I have ever seen.

Everything was fine in my world until Mrs.N said they were fake colored lens.

I think she does that on purpose sometimes ;-)

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 19:55 | 5943905 prefan4200
prefan4200's picture

"I am a woman."

I'm betting you are an attractive woman who carries herself with purpose and confidence.  Those guys are going to single you out every time, looking for some excuse to play their favorite hide-and-seek game, the body cavity search and grope.  Be sure to place something interesting somewhere interesting for them to find.  That'll fuck with em.

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 19:59 | 5943914 nmewn
nmewn's picture

One of those Chinese finger traps would be kinda cool ;-)

Tue, 03/31/2015 - 06:00 | 5944763 winchester
winchester's picture

I'm lookin' like a terrorist, to the terrorists. 

I like that.

Fuck them.

 

yes, but no.

never draw attention on you. best chance to move along is to look diluated  in the middle of the sheeps.

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 16:12 | 5943252 ersatz007
ersatz007's picture

resistance is futile, you will be assimilated...WITH FASHION!

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 16:22 | 5943283 XqWretch
XqWretch's picture

I like the blinking one best, youre just supposed to keep your eyes wide open the entire time?

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 17:25 | 5943499 Chupacabra-322
Chupacabra-322's picture

"inability to assimilate to latest fashion trends"

Guess I won't be wearing my "911 Was an Inside Job" T-Shirt anytime soon.

Tue, 03/31/2015 - 09:27 | 5945076 sdmjake
sdmjake's picture

I wear my 4th Amendment shirt {http://cargocollective.com/4thamendment } when i fly and i get pulled over for additional screening everytime.

Folks I travel with hate the delay and tell me not to wear it.

I don't particularly like the delay but i do it. Why? Because FUCK THEM, that's why.

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 19:05 | 5943783 Normalcy Bias
Normalcy Bias's picture

I'm gonna eat a head of raw cauliflower 1 hour before my next visit to the airport TSA.

That'll teach 'em what terror is all about!

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:49 | 5943150 KnuckleDragger-X
KnuckleDragger-X's picture

Yep, your alive so you must be a terrorist, now turn yourself in for 'fun' camp.....

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:52 | 5943162 Bad Attitude
Bad Attitude's picture

Only docile sheeple are not potential terrorists.

Forward (over the cliff)!

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:54 | 5943171 wisefool
wisefool's picture

Believe it or not, your and 99.9% of humans chests do that reflexively. Even when unconscious/asleep. Something about a heart. Dick Cheney and similar do it only when necessary, and under strict orders.

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 16:02 | 5943213 metastar
metastar's picture

Beating anything else will also be a problem, unless you're a TSA employee, then they can beat it for you.

Tue, 03/31/2015 - 10:16 | 5945205 FrankDrakman
FrankDrakman's picture

Prob'ly not. All those meals at Mindy's will get you first. 

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 16:16 | 5943261 claytonmoore50
claytonmoore50's picture

They gots to be protecting us from 'The Crimson Jihad!"

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=FAgZlwSGYE8

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:43 | 5943115 codecode
codecode's picture

Better add anti-depressants to the list...

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:47 | 5943137 JLee2027
JLee2027's picture

It's completely normal to be medicated to the point where you fly planes into mountains. What are you a terrorist?

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:54 | 5943175 logicalman
logicalman's picture

I'm good with the 'recently shaved' bit.

I've had a beard for 30 years. My kids have never seen my chin!

 

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 16:16 | 5943260 Socratic Dog
Socratic Dog's picture

Sorry.  Only terrorists have beards.

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 18:37 | 5943685 nufio
nufio's picture

yup, the right answer was "havent shaved in a day".

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 18:38 | 5943688 Hulk
Hulk's picture

I didn't pass the smell test...

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 22:14 | 5944287 richiebaby
richiebaby's picture

"smelling bad"

I'm fucked 

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 16:04 | 5943225 Ruffmuff
Ruffmuff's picture

I am always at the airport in disguise that I'm happy to fly on a crowded airplane with seats made for midgets and passengers that smell of ass.

Fucking good times.

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 16:20 | 5943272 rum_runner
rum_runner's picture

Careful what you wish for.. the maniacs at rectasecurity.com would be more than happy to oblige.

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 18:33 | 5943671 Burt Gummer
Burt Gummer's picture

You know, this is the type of article that you think you would find on The Onion, but no, welcome to Orwell's America. FUCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKK.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qBCUCJNWimo

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 21:22 | 5944130 EBT excepted
EBT excepted's picture

I likes d'exam fum a doctah, cuz he might find d'cancer fo' wuts eahly detecshun...if'n I ca jus figgah out how he doon dat wif heese hands on mah shouldahs...

Tue, 03/31/2015 - 00:10 | 5944498 blowing winter
blowing winter's picture

I'm making over $7k a month working part time. I kept hearing other people tell me how much money they can make online so I decided to look into it. Well, it was all true and has totally changed my life. This is what I do... www.globe-report.com

Tue, 03/31/2015 - 08:24 | 5944918 MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

You have been blowing Winter for 9 weeks and 4 days so far. I know you have your mouth full with that, but if you want to go for the record, the ZH community is not going to stop you. Keep on suckin'!

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:37 | 5943070 lordylord
lordylord's picture

Everyone.  Everyone is a terrorist.

Tue, 03/31/2015 - 06:02 | 5944764 winchester
winchester's picture

i think you got the overall idea

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:37 | 5943074 rpboxster
rpboxster's picture

of couse, merely dealing with air travel causes none of those symptoms.

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 17:42 | 5943547 A Nanny Moose
A Nanny Moose's picture

This is why airports have bars.

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:38 | 5943079 youngman
youngman's picture

What if you wear an Obama Tshirt...are you good to go????

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:51 | 5943160 NotGrokkingIt
NotGrokkingIt's picture

One must show appropriate emotion regarding Dear Leader.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0SYwiQSM4Uw&t=43

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 16:40 | 5943348 Kirk2NCC1701
Kirk2NCC1701's picture

<-- Would LOVE to see those 20 pages.

<-- No thanks. I believe in personal privacy of G20 leaders.

Tyler, how about ZH doing an expose on this diplomatic/IT screw-up:

"Australian immigration dept leaks G20 leaders’ passport info"

http://rt.com/news/245117-g20-leaders-summit-details/

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:39 | 5943081 Sanity Bear
Sanity Bear's picture

No soap, terrorism.

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:39 | 5943082 ThroxxOfVron
ThroxxOfVron's picture

...Of the terrorists, for the terrorists, by the terrorists...

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:39 | 5943088 gurkha108
gurkha108's picture

Make me stand in line for an hour and I can't yawn?

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:40 | 5943089 NoDebt
NoDebt's picture

"showing up late, yawning, having recently shaved, blinking, “bulging” neck arteries, demonstrating an inability to match carry-on with body type, inability to assimilate to latest fashion trends, chest beating, crying, laughing, talking, and, worst of all, smelling bad. "

That sounds pretty much exactly like me showing up for my flight home after a wild weekend in Vegas.

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:55 | 5943180 Took Red Pill
Took Red Pill's picture

yeah travelers never yawn do they? So ridiculous!

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 16:05 | 5943223 knukles
knukles's picture

So I can scratch my nads all I want and I'm cleared for the express lane!  Booyah!
That and gargling hockers.
(Simple Eastern Mysticism)

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:56 | 5943185 BigJim
BigJim's picture

"showing up late, yawning, having recently shaved, blinking, “bulging” neck arteries, demonstrating an inability to match carry-on with body type, inability to assimilate to latest fashion trends, chest beating, crying, laughing, talking, and, worst of all, smelling bad. "

That pretty much describes every morning of my adult life.

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:56 | 5943189 prodigious_idea
prodigious_idea's picture

No whistling?

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:40 | 5943090 Gaius Frakkin' ...
Gaius Frakkin&#039; Baltar's picture

"inability to assimilate to latest fashion trends,"

Hilarious... this list must have been put together by a starry-eyed hipster intern.

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:42 | 5943110 lordylord
lordylord's picture

"inability to assimilate to latest fashion trends,"

Really just refers to anyone not wearing a Hillary 2016 t-shirt.

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:49 | 5943141 TruthInSunshine
TruthInSunshine's picture

But anyone wearing a Hillary 2016 t-shirt will likely smell..& have ankle hair (regardless of gender).

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 16:36 | 5943275 Winston Churchill
Winston Churchill's picture

Thats not ankle hair mate.One has shite on.

One black one, one white one. and one with a bit of shite on, the

hairs from her dickydido, hung down to her knees(or ankles).

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 18:30 | 5943664 knukles
knukles's picture

Just don't stuff a buncha bananas down the front of your pants or they'll really take you in the back!

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:51 | 5943155 mkkby
mkkby's picture

But wearing a burka, or being from Saudi Arabia, or having the name Muhamad -- that's okay, get right on the plane.

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 16:03 | 5943220 logicalman
logicalman's picture

Watch this guy, you'll get a laugh and an idea of what it's like to travel with a Middle Eastern name.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GR953v5QnQI

 

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 16:41 | 5943353 Ruffmuff
Ruffmuff's picture

Is it a fashion trend like holy jeans but with holy underwear?  Take my shoes off and my belt, then my pants are slipping to my knees.

Millions of passengers have flown without incident.  No comfort but no incident of terror, but maybe terrible experiences times ten.  

I wish TSA would help in my horrible car rental experience too.  The people working at these places look like terroists but mostly act stupid as shit.

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 16:27 | 5943302 logicalman
logicalman's picture

I somehow doubt that would help!

 

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:43 | 5943113 Zymurguy
Zymurguy's picture

So you're not metro-sexual???

Terrorist!!!

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:49 | 5943142 GoldSilverBitcoinBug
GoldSilverBitcoinBug's picture

Then if I dress like Mozart and play his music on a piano I will be arrested as a terrorist ?

That's 'merica for you !

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:54 | 5943170 taketheredpill
taketheredpill's picture

 

 

If Al-Qaeda was smart they would copy British MI-5 in the 1950's and hire Gays from the Middle East.  Sharp dressers (natch) and well versed in covert activities...

 

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:40 | 5943092 Jonas Parker
Jonas Parker's picture

Great! And the taxpayers paid the twits who wrote this crap?

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 16:19 | 5943269 kchrisc
kchrisc's picture

"Great! And the taxpayers paid the twits who wrote this crap?"

There is no such thing as "taxpayer(s)." That is a propagandist term used to instill a since of partnership with them and their crimes against you, us, and against others.

The proper term is, "tax victims."

The banksters need to repay us.

 

Unless you willingly paid for this: http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-OkghWsZiFdI/UV6YBZ-TNkI/AAAAAAAAmR8/f4XRoqJlG7...

And this: http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2012/09/05/article-2198838-0989D918000005...

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 17:05 | 5943438 FMOTL
FMOTL's picture

"tax victims" may be the proper term to you, but to them it is "tax serf"

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 16:31 | 5943323 logicalman
logicalman's picture

By putting out a list telling you what they are looking for only helps those they are looking for.

The least effective terrorist is one that looks the part, you would think.

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 19:11 | 5943793 UselessEater
UselessEater's picture

Evan a worn out infant on a long-haul fails this "test"... releasing it to employees and then general public is a 2 step process of intimidation and then ensuring people are anxious because they are unsure how to comply with a list bordering on insanity. Catch 22...............By design & for forced submission.

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:40 | 5943093 pashley1411
pashley1411's picture

I'm going to set up my line of "I'm dead already, and still voting" t-shirts.   That will get me right through the line.

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 16:32 | 5943324 Arnold
Arnold's picture

I'd shell out a buck or two for that shirt.

Zombies exhibit behaviors that don't seem to be points plus or minus.

good to go.

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:40 | 5943098 McCormick No. 9
McCormick No. 9's picture

Just. Don't. Fly.

 

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:41 | 5943100 youngman
youngman's picture

I get angry as hell just waiting in those lines and watching those government employees doing work that is just stupid work made up...its dig a hole and fill it in crap.....take off your shoes you idiot....OK Ok sir....hands up dont shoot..

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 16:04 | 5943224 CrimsonAvenger
CrimsonAvenger's picture

The former director of the Charlotte airport had a real distaste for TSA, called them the "Thousands Standing Around." Just a welfare program by another name, with the added benefit of conditioning the public.

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 16:08 | 5943237 kchrisc
kchrisc's picture

"I get angry as hell just waiting in those lines and watching those government employees doing work that is just stupid work made up"

Their "work" is control. Controliing and limiting access to travel to only those not considered an ememy of the empire's  tyranny.

In that regard, they are very diligent in their "work."

The banksters need to repay us.

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:41 | 5943102 FieldingMellish
FieldingMellish's picture

We The Terrorists...

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:42 | 5943108 cheech_wizard
cheech_wizard's picture

>if an individual “appears to be in disguise,”

What gave it away? Was it the oversized yellow hat with the red and black stars?

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:44 | 5943119 Zymurguy
Zymurguy's picture

The big glasses, fake nose and mustache.

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:53 | 5943165 HamRove
HamRove's picture

Pubic hair for fake beard doesn't work.....word to the wise.

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:57 | 5943192 BigJim
BigJim's picture

Too many face lifts?

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 16:28 | 5943310 logicalman
logicalman's picture

A real beard is pubic hair - it happens at puberty.

Tue, 03/31/2015 - 10:45 | 5945280 FrankDrakman
FrankDrakman's picture

A real beard? Moochelle.

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:52 | 5943163 Nobody For President
Nobody For President's picture

The suit an tie?

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:43 | 5943117 Frank N. Beans
Frank N. Beans's picture

TSA = Terrorist States of America

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:57 | 5943191 Agstacker
Agstacker's picture

or possibly Those Shitty Assholes?

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 16:27 | 5943305 rejected
rejected's picture

Terrorist Scumbag Assholes.

There, fixed it.

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:45 | 5943123 gurkha108
gurkha108's picture

Make me stand in line for an hour and I can't yawn... ok.

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:46 | 5943124 deerhunter
deerhunter's picture

Friend of mine made the mistake of having a Jesus is Lord tee shirt on while changing planes in UAE. Big mistake . 13 hour interrogation and missed connecting flight they determined the tee shirt wasn't a threat ! It was cold when he left Virginia and had flannel shirt over it !
Hope that isn't racist ? Good day all and travel safely !

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:48 | 5943139 Mike Honcho
Mike Honcho's picture

Nothing spreads the gospel like a grungy t-shirt.

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:46 | 5943133 Decimus Lunius ...
Decimus Lunius Luvenalis's picture

Almost all of those criteria can be explained by a fear of flying.  I'd say if you have a fear of flying already and now you have to worry about which SSRIs your pilot maybe taking, you'd be fidgety too and probably excessively sweating.  All of this because the CIA may have wanted to keep an informant the FBI.  That's not some crackpot theory, that's from Richard CLarke. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mC_FeS8rgo

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:49 | 5943146 SheepDog-One
SheepDog-One's picture

TSA....bunch of retards who couldn't even land a job at Home Depot.

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 16:02 | 5943214 kchrisc
kchrisc's picture

"TSA....bunch of retards who couldn't even land a job at Home Depot."

Ditto the Nazi Party's SA, "Brownshirts."

One doesn't not have to be too intelligent to be the "tread of tyranny."

The banksters need to repay us.

 

The IQ of tyranny does not matter.

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:50 | 5943151 VladLenin
VladLenin's picture

I quit flying. I asked for a reach around with my rectal exam one time and they told me to fuck off.

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:54 | 5943176 HamRove
HamRove's picture

Make sure you get a dinner first. I'd like dinner before the reach around.

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:50 | 5943152 Icelandicsaga.....
Icelandicsaga...............................................'s picture

Off topic .. but raw footage taken with iphone of 'exercise' in Ft; Lauderdale by Spec. Ops Command . .this was extraction event . also lining up locals and marching them through the streets.. if this does not bother people.... must be brain dead.... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xGpRFKG_fos  This is run up to Jade Helm . but special ops .. out of Tampa is THE military unit for the powers that be. Special ops command.. is like no other . now has an international wing.. its connected to the MIC . .in a big way .. evrey year or so has a 'conference' in Tampa where the MIC meets the military .. nothing new .. well take my word for it . this is a new psin on the old coalition .. and the American people better get their heads out of their ass . this is no ordiary military training .. actually they have been prepping for some BIG event in the US for a decade...    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y9Mo6cHrEpU  This was the drill on Tampa 2014 ..

 

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:58 | 5943199 kchrisc
kchrisc's picture

I don't think that this is what they had in mind with, "See something, say something."

The banksters need to repay us.

 

Real terrorists identification photo 1: http://img.ehowcdn.com/615x200/ehow/images/a07/1b/4q/flag-display-rules-...

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 23:28 | 5944417 flapdoodle
flapdoodle's picture

After you watch the above video, the follow on video is some guy called "VikingPreparedness" who shows up to sooth the sheep and give the "lowdown" on what Jade Helm is about - aparently his video was shot several weeks ago. His bottom line is the the "good old boy, gun loving, cool guy" special forces are practising their "soft skills" as in training native forces, hanging out with the village elders, etc.

Interesting that this pacifier video would show up directly after the raw footage video. That in itself is very, very interesting.

What shows up on the raw footage YouTube video from Ft. Lauderdale doesn't match what he said very well in his "lowdown" video - doesn't look like "soft skills" he mentions as the reason is being tested unless dropping out of helicopters and rounding up civilians is a soft skill.

Now its quite possible that what we are seeing in the raw footage is a massive "extraction" exercise rather than a round up of disidents (the "martial law is upon us" meme) to pull out large numbers of civilians from an urbanized war zone or one that is about to become one.

The question is, WHERE do they believe this will need to be done? Why now?

I think this exercise is 1) to scare the shit out of the US sheep or 2) a real exercise because its almost SHTF time or its meant to 3) send a message to enemies of the empire or 4) all of the above...

I think its about time to officially be scared shitless.

Tue, 03/31/2015 - 04:58 | 5944737 Arnold
Arnold's picture

Naw, wait for the memo.

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:51 | 5943159 taketheredpill
taketheredpill's picture

 

SPOT List reminds me of last time I got home at 3 am and wife was waiting up...

Mon, 03/30/2015 - 15:52 | 5943161 Fun Facts
Fun Facts's picture

airport routine:

sit down for a while

stand up, stretch, huge yawn and clear throat

make a loud complant about the TSA

while walking around, look down and whistle while wringing your hands

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