According To The TSA, You May Be A Terrorist If...

Tyler Durden's picture

We were eager to assist the FBI with their recent push to ensure that New Yorkers remain “vigilant” when it comes to identifying and reporting ISIS “recruits and people who may carry out attacks,” but as we noted when the directive was first issued, “it was unclear what a person, pardon, recruit who ‘may carry out attacks in NYC’ looks like.’” Lacking guidance, we speculated that Twitter usage in conjunction with Nutella eating could well be a tell-tale sign, only to learn that the real giveaway is traveling to Turkey from Egypt with an iPod. 

Fortunately, the TSA has issued a set of guidelines that, if interpreted correctly, will assist in the identification of terrorists who may seek to use planes as instruments of jihad. The full list is below, but we would note that you don’t have to be a certified “Behavior Detection Officer” to determine that if an individual “appears to be in disguise,” shenanigans may be afoot. Other signs of intent to commit a terrorist act include: showing up late, yawning, having recently shaved, blinking, “bulging” neck arteries, demonstrating an inability to match carry-on with body type, inability to assimilate to latest fashion trends, chest beating, crying, laughing, talking, and, worst of all, smelling bad. 

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When asked about the effectiveness of the screening guidelines, one former TSA Behavior Detection Officer told The Intercept the following:

"[It's] complete bullshit."

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Kirk2NCC1701's picture

You DON'T like a rectal exam?

TruthInSunshine's picture

I'll never "recently shave" again before going through TSA checkpoints at the airport.

Good to know.

y3maxx's picture

...My teeth fillings are possible terrorists...

Dr. Richard Head's picture

TSA (Terrorists Scaring Americans) are booosheeeettttt!

bania's picture

My chest beating habit is going to do me in.

MagicHandPuppet's picture

So, people nervous around TS Assholes or flying in general now are said to behave like terrorists... great.  I'm pretty sure I score highly everytime I'm forced to go to the airport.  

pods's picture

Easy way around this one.

Don't fly.

Airline free since ~2005 here.

pods

ParkAveFlasher's picture

Do half-elves get +1 to magic spells?  I always wanted to be one of those.

Four chan's picture

i dont see muslim on there.

BLOTTO's picture

What about taking a shit on the floor - is that ok?

HowdyDoody's picture

Only if it is less than 150 ml. You may have to taste it. Or feed it to your baby or something. Don't smoke it though. 'Just smoking my shit' will get you into real trouble.

NidStyles's picture

"Terrorists are just people that don't agree with the New World Order."

 

~paraphrase

RU-GAY2's picture
RU-GAY2 (not verified) NidStyles Mar 30, 2015 4:08 PM

Buh Bitcoin!!

 

https://btc-e.com

SilverIsKing's picture

So if we all show up late, yawn, shave before leaving for the airport, blink, make sure our neck arteries are bulging, make sure our carry-on and body type don't match, wear grandma's or grandpa's clothes, beat our chests, cry, laugh, talk, and refrain from taking a shower for a few days before the flight, we can bring down the system! 

CapnJackDaniel's picture

Does it have to be your chest?

macholatte's picture

 

You can beat your chest and your friend can beat his chest but you can't beat your friend's chest, or any chest belonging to anyone named Kardashian or Rodman.

 

nmewn's picture

Correct, its clearly stated in sub paragraph ff of section 201 which references the same in sections 195 & 316 for everyones further review.

These bureaucrats certainly stay busy ;-)

Bananamerican's picture

"demonstrating an inability to match carry-on with body type"

WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS EVEN MEAN??

nmewn's picture

I think it means take the guy in the Hawaiian shirt & cargo shorts carrying the Chanel handbag in the back room and film him being finger fucked by Joie but I'm not sure.

If nothing else they can use it for training purposes!

Joe Davola's picture

Well there goes my strawberry shortcake wheel-on that fits in the overhead.

SumTing Wong's picture

That's the last time I carry my four year old's Hello Kitty backpack for her. 

Sorry, darling, but you'll have to handle that one yourself so the TSA doesn't handle Daddy all over and all inside.

DeadFred's picture

You're a buff 220 pound guy and you have a pink overnight case with bows. SF airport gets a lot of full bodysearches because of this point but there haven't been any complaints to date.

Dragon HAwk's picture

I see what you did there...

 

TheReplacement's picture

Seems rather sexist.  Sexism means lawsuit.  Lawsuit means money. 

Honey, can I borrow your bag?  I need to go for a trip... retirement planning.

What the heck, I'm already getting screwed.  Might as well get a drink and a movie (for a fee of course) while I'm at it.

RaceToTheBottom's picture

For a while it was leather jackets.  Every time I wore a black leather jacket I got pulled out of line and given the third degree.

Grinder74's picture

Were your jeans rolled up, and were you constantly combing your greased hair?

Arnold's picture

It was the unfiltered Camels in the shirt sleeve.

tc06rtw's picture

Why do you think they call it “The New World Odor”?

UselessEater's picture

Dear BLOTTO,

Learn how to take shit, like an automaton or a well bred sheep.

Docile, compliant and totally accepting when physically handled. Its called breeding and training. The best schools & teevee teach it. Catch up.

Sincerely,

Bred for Queenie

 

August's picture

And when your new brothers put you in that coffin, just close your eyes and think of Yale.

bonin006's picture

Only if you work for the EPA

UselessEater's picture

then you'd get a green finger??

TheReplacement's picture

Thumb.  The phrase is green thumb.

pods's picture

No worries, from what I have heard of the TSA, they aren't smart enough to fill out those forms anyways.

Simple minded creatures, filled with basal desires.

pods

Pairadimes's picture

It would take TSA all day to board a single flight using the indicators on this document, not to mention the groping of crotches, stealing of iPads and cleaning up the occasional spilled colostomy bag.

UselessEater's picture

So I ask...who is compensating the airlines as fewer and fewer people are premitted to board after purchasing a ticket.

Oh, just got it -buy your ticket first, lose your flight second, no refund. Duh!

Now, how have the actuaries claculated this future loss in repeat passenger bookings?

thamnosma's picture

Pods, I stopped after 9/11.  My last flight was to NYC on 8/11/01 with my usual shuttle taking to the WTC. 

Yeah, no more Europe trips, but I did my share.  Frankly, driving or taking Amtrak is a lot more fun and I have the time when I need to travel.

A Nanny Moose's picture

Ramtrack usually has a far superior beer selection to that of the airlines.

Horizon Air being a very notable exception. The only thing better than breakfast beer, is free breakfast beer.

thamnosma's picture

If you're in the sleeper car you can even bring your own booze. 

Falling Down's picture

December of '02, here. Taking my shoes off for the mouth breathers broke me, haven't flown since.

The Lake Shore Limited is a pretty good train, when it's on time, although you have to allow Amtrak some fudge factor regarding their schedules.

 

thinkmoretalkless's picture

Airport free since 2011. Easier the quitting smoking. (Smoking was pleasurable). Cell phone is next...don't have it with me unless necessary. No sense making it easy to track you.

Herd Redirection Committee's picture

Woe upon the person who arrives "smelling bad, late, crying, and unassimilated with latest fashion trends".

What, they will grope you two times?

 

McMolotov's picture

Grope me two times, baby

Grope me twice today

Grope me two times, girl

'Cause I'm goin' away

prefan4200's picture

LMFAO, McMolotov !  +1000

Agstacker's picture

If they are not wearing an iwatch, pull them aside for further inspection.

Arnold's picture

If they are wearing an I watch, it is correlated indicator of mental health concerns.

Pairadimes's picture

If they are wearing an iWatch, the battery is most likely dead, which explains why they were late.

sleigher's picture

Wanted the let you all know I will be hosting a class at the local community college about how to match your carry-on with your body type.