This page has been archived and commenting is disabled.
According To The TSA, You May Be A Terrorist If...
We were eager to assist the FBI with their recent push to ensure that New Yorkers remain “vigilant” when it comes to identifying and reporting ISIS “recruits and people who may carry out attacks,” but as we noted when the directive was first issued, “it was unclear what a person, pardon, recruit who ‘may carry out attacks in NYC’ looks like.’” Lacking guidance, we speculated that Twitter usage in conjunction with Nutella eating could well be a tell-tale sign, only to learn that the real giveaway is traveling to Turkey from Egypt with an iPod.
Fortunately, the TSA has issued a set of guidelines that, if interpreted correctly, will assist in the identification of terrorists who may seek to use planes as instruments of jihad. The full list is below, but we would note that you don’t have to be a certified “Behavior Detection Officer” to determine that if an individual “appears to be in disguise,” shenanigans may be afoot. Other signs of intent to commit a terrorist act include: showing up late, yawning, having recently shaved, blinking, “bulging” neck arteries, demonstrating an inability to match carry-on with body type, inability to assimilate to latest fashion trends, chest beating, crying, laughing, talking, and, worst of all, smelling bad.
* * *
When asked about the effectiveness of the screening guidelines, one former TSA Behavior Detection Officer told The Intercept the following:
"[It's] complete bullshit."
- 102820 reads
- Printer-friendly version
- Send to friend
- advertisements -


You DON'T like a rectal exam?
I'll never "recently shave" again before going through TSA checkpoints at the airport.
Good to know.
...My teeth fillings are possible terrorists...
TSA (Terrorists Scaring Americans) are booosheeeettttt!
My chest beating habit is going to do me in.
So, people nervous around TS Assholes or flying in general now are said to behave like terrorists... great. I'm pretty sure I score highly everytime I'm forced to go to the airport.
So what kind of terrorist are you?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XhVpoRaTdj0
Easy way around this one.
Don't fly.
Airline free since ~2005 here.
pods
Do half-elves get +1 to magic spells? I always wanted to be one of those.
i dont see muslim on there.
What about taking a shit on the floor - is that ok?
Only if it is less than 150 ml. You may have to taste it. Or feed it to your baby or something. Don't smoke it though. 'Just smoking my shit' will get you into real trouble.
"Terrorists are just people that don't agree with the New World Order."
~paraphrase
Buh Bitcoin!!
https://btc-e.com
So if we all show up late, yawn, shave before leaving for the airport, blink, make sure our neck arteries are bulging, make sure our carry-on and body type don't match, wear grandma's or grandpa's clothes, beat our chests, cry, laugh, talk, and refrain from taking a shower for a few days before the flight, we can bring down the system!
Does it have to be your chest?
You can beat your chest and your friend can beat his chest but you can't beat your friend's chest, or any chest belonging to anyone named Kardashian or Rodman.
Correct, its clearly stated in sub paragraph ff of section 201 which references the same in sections 195 & 316 for everyones further review.
These bureaucrats certainly stay busy ;-)
"demonstrating an inability to match carry-on with body type"
WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS EVEN MEAN??
I think it means take the guy in the Hawaiian shirt & cargo shorts carrying the Chanel handbag in the back room and film him being finger fucked by Joie but I'm not sure.
If nothing else they can use it for training purposes!
Well there goes my strawberry shortcake wheel-on that fits in the overhead.
That's the last time I carry my four year old's Hello Kitty backpack for her.
Sorry, darling, but you'll have to handle that one yourself so the TSA doesn't handle Daddy all over and all inside.
You're a buff 220 pound guy and you have a pink overnight case with bows. SF airport gets a lot of full bodysearches because of this point but there haven't been any complaints to date.
I see what you did there...
Seems rather sexist. Sexism means lawsuit. Lawsuit means money.
Honey, can I borrow your bag? I need to go for a trip... retirement planning.
What the heck, I'm already getting screwed. Might as well get a drink and a movie (for a fee of course) while I'm at it.
For a while it was leather jackets. Every time I wore a black leather jacket I got pulled out of line and given the third degree.
Were your jeans rolled up, and were you constantly combing your greased hair?
It was the unfiltered Camels in the shirt sleeve.
durrrrrrrr
Why do you think they call it “The New World Odor”?
Dear BLOTTO,
Learn how to take shit, like an automaton or a well bred sheep.
Docile, compliant and totally accepting when physically handled. Its called breeding and training. The best schools & teevee teach it. Catch up.
Sincerely,
Bred for Queenie
And when your new brothers put you in that coffin, just close your eyes and think of Yale.
Only if you work for the EPA
then you'd get a green finger??
Thumb. The phrase is green thumb.
No worries, from what I have heard of the TSA, they aren't smart enough to fill out those forms anyways.
Simple minded creatures, filled with basal desires.
pods
It would take TSA all day to board a single flight using the indicators on this document, not to mention the groping of crotches, stealing of iPads and cleaning up the occasional spilled colostomy bag.
So I ask...who is compensating the airlines as fewer and fewer people are premitted to board after purchasing a ticket.
Oh, just got it -buy your ticket first, lose your flight second, no refund. Duh!
Now, how have the actuaries claculated this future loss in repeat passenger bookings?
Pods, I stopped after 9/11. My last flight was to NYC on 8/11/01 with my usual shuttle taking to the WTC.
Yeah, no more Europe trips, but I did my share. Frankly, driving or taking Amtrak is a lot more fun and I have the time when I need to travel.
Ramtrack usually has a far superior beer selection to that of the airlines.
Horizon Air being a very notable exception. The only thing better than breakfast beer, is free breakfast beer.
If you're in the sleeper car you can even bring your own booze.
December of '02, here. Taking my shoes off for the mouth breathers broke me, haven't flown since.
The Lake Shore Limited is a pretty good train, when it's on time, although you have to allow Amtrak some fudge factor regarding their schedules.
Airport free since 2011. Easier the quitting smoking. (Smoking was pleasurable). Cell phone is next...don't have it with me unless necessary. No sense making it easy to track you.
Woe upon the person who arrives "smelling bad, late, crying, and unassimilated with latest fashion trends".
What, they will grope you two times?
Grope me two times, baby
Grope me twice today
Grope me two times, girl
'Cause I'm goin' away
LMFAO, McMolotov ! +1000
If they are not wearing an iwatch, pull them aside for further inspection.
If they are wearing an I watch, it is correlated indicator of mental health concerns.
If they are wearing an iWatch, the battery is most likely dead, which explains why they were late.
Wanted the let you all know I will be hosting a class at the local community college about how to match your carry-on with your body type.
I am a woman. The last time I flew I got singled out of line for "enhanced inspection" coming and going. It was like they saw me and immediately channeled me, signaling across the area, pointing me out to each other. Now I know why (I did not before). I had a military style back pack, rather than pull luggage. It is a little more work to carry, but I like the workout just fine.
I'm lookin' like a terrorist, to the terrorists.
I like that.
Fuck them.
You had Mscreant written all over your face ! Thats what done you in !!!
You are on the Watch List.
Congratulations. There is no way off of the list once you are on it.
Does that mean she gets a free iWatch if she is on the watch list?
"I am a woman."
Ms, Were you wearing your breasts on that trip?
Dead giveaway of having a terrorist "mindset"
My eyes are up here buddy.
In some circumstances it would be nice to remove them. Also, when your husband it driving it is not wise to impulsively respond to " Flash your Rack" on a pickup truck. Unfortunately I had not restricted my learning to formal education.
Miffed;-)
"My eyes are up here buddy."
I'm sorry, wut? ;-)
d'men kayn't look da wimun in d'eyes, cuz breast-a-sas gots no eyes...
Its one of my character flaws, however, there was this waitress at Hooters in the Jax Landing this weekend with the most piercing, lovely, pale-green eyes I have ever seen.
Everything was fine in my world until Mrs.N said they were fake colored lens.
I think she does that on purpose sometimes ;-)
"I am a woman."
I'm betting you are an attractive woman who carries herself with purpose and confidence. Those guys are going to single you out every time, looking for some excuse to play their favorite hide-and-seek game, the body cavity search and grope. Be sure to place something interesting somewhere interesting for them to find. That'll fuck with em.
One of those Chinese finger traps would be kinda cool ;-)
I'm lookin' like a terrorist, to the terrorists.
I like that.
Fuck them.
yes, but no.
never draw attention on you. best chance to move along is to look diluated in the middle of the sheeps.
resistance is futile, you will be assimilated...WITH FASHION!
I like the blinking one best, youre just supposed to keep your eyes wide open the entire time?
"inability to assimilate to latest fashion trends"
Guess I won't be wearing my "911 Was an Inside Job" T-Shirt anytime soon.
I wear my 4th Amendment shirt {http://cargocollective.com/4thamendment } when i fly and i get pulled over for additional screening everytime.
Folks I travel with hate the delay and tell me not to wear it.
I don't particularly like the delay but i do it. Why? Because FUCK THEM, that's why.
I'm gonna eat a head of raw cauliflower 1 hour before my next visit to the airport TSA.
That'll teach 'em what terror is all about!
Yep, your alive so you must be a terrorist, now turn yourself in for 'fun' camp.....
Only docile sheeple are not potential terrorists.
Forward (over the cliff)!
Believe it or not, your and 99.9% of humans chests do that reflexively. Even when unconscious/asleep. Something about a heart. Dick Cheney and similar do it only when necessary, and under strict orders.
Beating anything else will also be a problem, unless you're a TSA employee, then they can beat it for you.
Prob'ly not. All those meals at Mindy's will get you first.
They gots to be protecting us from 'The Crimson Jihad!"
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=FAgZlwSGYE8
Better add anti-depressants to the list...
It's completely normal to be medicated to the point where you fly planes into mountains. What are you a terrorist?
I'm good with the 'recently shaved' bit.
I've had a beard for 30 years. My kids have never seen my chin!
Sorry. Only terrorists have beards.
yup, the right answer was "havent shaved in a day".
I didn't pass the smell test...
"smelling bad"
I'm fucked
I am always at the airport in disguise that I'm happy to fly on a crowded airplane with seats made for midgets and passengers that smell of ass.
Fucking good times.
Careful what you wish for.. the maniacs at rectasecurity.com would be more than happy to oblige.
You know, this is the type of article that you think you would find on The Onion, but no, welcome to Orwell's America. FUCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKK.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qBCUCJNWimo
I likes d'exam fum a doctah, cuz he might find d'cancer fo' wuts eahly detecshun...if'n I ca jus figgah out how he doon dat wif heese hands on mah shouldahs...
I'm making over $7k a month working part time. I kept hearing other people tell me how much money they can make online so I decided to look into it. Well, it was all true and has totally changed my life. This is what I do... www.globe-report.com
You have been blowing Winter for 9 weeks and 4 days so far. I know you have your mouth full with that, but if you want to go for the record, the ZH community is not going to stop you. Keep on suckin'!
Everyone. Everyone is a terrorist.
i think you got the overall idea
of couse, merely dealing with air travel causes none of those symptoms.
This is why airports have bars.
What if you wear an Obama Tshirt...are you good to go????
One must show appropriate emotion regarding Dear Leader.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0SYwiQSM4Uw&t=43
<-- Would LOVE to see those 20 pages.
<-- No thanks. I believe in personal privacy of G20 leaders.
Tyler, how about ZH doing an expose on this diplomatic/IT screw-up:
"Australian immigration dept leaks G20 leaders’ passport info"
http://rt.com/news/245117-g20-leaders-summit-details/
No soap, terrorism.
...Of the terrorists, for the terrorists, by the terrorists...
Make me stand in line for an hour and I can't yawn?
"showing up late, yawning, having recently shaved, blinking, “bulging” neck arteries, demonstrating an inability to match carry-on with body type, inability to assimilate to latest fashion trends, chest beating, crying, laughing, talking, and, worst of all, smelling bad. "
That sounds pretty much exactly like me showing up for my flight home after a wild weekend in Vegas.
yeah travelers never yawn do they? So ridiculous!
So I can scratch my nads all I want and I'm cleared for the express lane! Booyah!
That and gargling hockers.
(Simple Eastern Mysticism)
"showing up late, yawning, having recently shaved, blinking, “bulging” neck arteries, demonstrating an inability to match carry-on with body type, inability to assimilate to latest fashion trends, chest beating, crying, laughing, talking, and, worst of all, smelling bad. "
That pretty much describes every morning of my adult life.
No whistling?
"inability to assimilate to latest fashion trends,"
Hilarious... this list must have been put together by a starry-eyed hipster intern.
"inability to assimilate to latest fashion trends,"
Really just refers to anyone not wearing a Hillary 2016 t-shirt.
But anyone wearing a Hillary 2016 t-shirt will likely smell..& have ankle hair (regardless of gender).
Thats not ankle hair mate.One has shite on.
One black one, one white one. and one with a bit of shite on, the
hairs from her dickydido, hung down to her knees(or ankles).
Just don't stuff a buncha bananas down the front of your pants or they'll really take you in the back!
But wearing a burka, or being from Saudi Arabia, or having the name Muhamad -- that's okay, get right on the plane.
Watch this guy, you'll get a laugh and an idea of what it's like to travel with a Middle Eastern name.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GR953v5QnQI
Is it a fashion trend like holy jeans but with holy underwear? Take my shoes off and my belt, then my pants are slipping to my knees.
Millions of passengers have flown without incident. No comfort but no incident of terror, but maybe terrible experiences times ten.
I wish TSA would help in my horrible car rental experience too. The people working at these places look like terroists but mostly act stupid as shit.
http://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/0226/7001/products/conservative-outfitt...
I somehow doubt that would help!
So you're not metro-sexual???
Terrorist!!!
Then if I dress like Mozart and play his music on a piano I will be arrested as a terrorist ?
That's 'merica for you !
If Al-Qaeda was smart they would copy British MI-5 in the 1950's and hire Gays from the Middle East. Sharp dressers (natch) and well versed in covert activities...
Great! And the taxpayers paid the twits who wrote this crap?
"Great! And the taxpayers paid the twits who wrote this crap?"
There is no such thing as "taxpayer(s)." That is a propagandist term used to instill a since of partnership with them and their crimes against you, us, and against others.
The proper term is, "tax victims."
The banksters need to repay us.
Unless you willingly paid for this: http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-OkghWsZiFdI/UV6YBZ-TNkI/AAAAAAAAmR8/f4XRoqJlG7...
And this: http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2012/09/05/article-2198838-0989D918000005...
"tax victims" may be the proper term to you, but to them it is "tax serf"
By putting out a list telling you what they are looking for only helps those they are looking for.
The least effective terrorist is one that looks the part, you would think.
Evan a worn out infant on a long-haul fails this "test"... releasing it to employees and then general public is a 2 step process of intimidation and then ensuring people are anxious because they are unsure how to comply with a list bordering on insanity. Catch 22...............By design & for forced submission.
I'm going to set up my line of "I'm dead already, and still voting" t-shirts. That will get me right through the line.
I'd shell out a buck or two for that shirt.
Zombies exhibit behaviors that don't seem to be points plus or minus.
good to go.
Just. Don't. Fly.
I get angry as hell just waiting in those lines and watching those government employees doing work that is just stupid work made up...its dig a hole and fill it in crap.....take off your shoes you idiot....OK Ok sir....hands up dont shoot..
The former director of the Charlotte airport had a real distaste for TSA, called them the "Thousands Standing Around." Just a welfare program by another name, with the added benefit of conditioning the public.
"I get angry as hell just waiting in those lines and watching those government employees doing work that is just stupid work made up"
Their "work" is control. Controliing and limiting access to travel to only those not considered an ememy of the empire's tyranny.
In that regard, they are very diligent in their "work."
The banksters need to repay us.
We The Terrorists...
>if an individual “appears to be in disguise,”
What gave it away? Was it the oversized yellow hat with the red and black stars?
The big glasses, fake nose and mustache.
Pubic hair for fake beard doesn't work.....word to the wise.
Too many face lifts?
A real beard is pubic hair - it happens at puberty.
A real beard? Moochelle.
The suit an tie?
TSA = Terrorist States of America
or possibly Those Shitty Assholes?
Terrorist Scumbag Assholes.
There, fixed it.
Make me stand in line for an hour and I can't yawn... ok.
Friend of mine made the mistake of having a Jesus is Lord tee shirt on while changing planes in UAE. Big mistake . 13 hour interrogation and missed connecting flight they determined the tee shirt wasn't a threat ! It was cold when he left Virginia and had flannel shirt over it !
Hope that isn't racist ? Good day all and travel safely !
Nothing spreads the gospel like a grungy t-shirt.
Almost all of those criteria can be explained by a fear of flying. I'd say if you have a fear of flying already and now you have to worry about which SSRIs your pilot maybe taking, you'd be fidgety too and probably excessively sweating. All of this because the CIA may have wanted to keep an informant the FBI. That's not some crackpot theory, that's from Richard CLarke. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mC_FeS8rgo
TSA....bunch of retards who couldn't even land a job at Home Depot.
"TSA....bunch of retards who couldn't even land a job at Home Depot."
Ditto the Nazi Party's SA, "Brownshirts."
One doesn't not have to be too intelligent to be the "tread of tyranny."
The banksters need to repay us.
The IQ of tyranny does not matter.
I quit flying. I asked for a reach around with my rectal exam one time and they told me to fuck off.
Make sure you get a dinner first. I'd like dinner before the reach around.
Off topic .. but raw footage taken with iphone of 'exercise' in Ft; Lauderdale by Spec. Ops Command . .this was extraction event . also lining up locals and marching them through the streets.. if this does not bother people.... must be brain dead.... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xGpRFKG_fos This is run up to Jade Helm . but special ops .. out of Tampa is THE military unit for the powers that be. Special ops command.. is like no other . now has an international wing.. its connected to the MIC . .in a big way .. evrey year or so has a 'conference' in Tampa where the MIC meets the military .. nothing new .. well take my word for it . this is a new psin on the old coalition .. and the American people better get their heads out of their ass . this is no ordiary military training .. actually they have been prepping for some BIG event in the US for a decade... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y9Mo6cHrEpU This was the drill on Tampa 2014 ..
I don't think that this is what they had in mind with, "See something, say something."
The banksters need to repay us.
Real terrorists identification photo 1: http://img.ehowcdn.com/615x200/ehow/images/a07/1b/4q/flag-display-rules-...
After you watch the above video, the follow on video is some guy called "VikingPreparedness" who shows up to sooth the sheep and give the "lowdown" on what Jade Helm is about - aparently his video was shot several weeks ago. His bottom line is the the "good old boy, gun loving, cool guy" special forces are practising their "soft skills" as in training native forces, hanging out with the village elders, etc.
Interesting that this pacifier video would show up directly after the raw footage video. That in itself is very, very interesting.
What shows up on the raw footage YouTube video from Ft. Lauderdale doesn't match what he said very well in his "lowdown" video - doesn't look like "soft skills" he mentions as the reason is being tested unless dropping out of helicopters and rounding up civilians is a soft skill.
Now its quite possible that what we are seeing in the raw footage is a massive "extraction" exercise rather than a round up of disidents (the "martial law is upon us" meme) to pull out large numbers of civilians from an urbanized war zone or one that is about to become one.
The question is, WHERE do they believe this will need to be done? Why now?
I think this exercise is 1) to scare the shit out of the US sheep or 2) a real exercise because its almost SHTF time or its meant to 3) send a message to enemies of the empire or 4) all of the above...
I think its about time to officially be scared shitless.
Naw, wait for the memo.
SPOT List reminds me of last time I got home at 3 am and wife was waiting up...
airport routine:
sit down for a while
stand up, stretch, huge yawn and clear throat
make a loud complant about the TSA
while walking around, look down and whistle while wringing your hands