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MeeT BLoGGeR BeN...

Submitted by williambanzai7 on 04/01/2015 16:45 -0400

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Thu, 04/02/2015 - 17:23 | 5953595 blindman

Letters and Politics
Thursday, April 2, 2015 4:00 pm
http://www.wbai.org/server-archive.html

Fri, 04/03/2015 - 04:22 | 5954931 janus

what's up, Blindman?

i've been thinking a lot about new york lately...planning my first ever trip. it feels like the timing's right for my entree into gotham. i always told myself that i should do a whole calender year someday; maybe that'll work itself out someday soon. i could plant the fam on the vineyard and scoot back up here frequently to escaped the frezied -- though for someone like me addictive -- energies of new babylon.

we'll have to meet up and cause trouble some night while i'm in town.

janus

Thu, 04/02/2015 - 10:01 | 5951944 janus

i couldn't sleep.

the last couple hours of this insomnia were occupied with the usual: just filling out a few dozen credit card applications, ordering viagra from overseas pharmacies, and forwarding all the rest of the spam accumulating in my junk mail file to everyone on my contact list...and then, all of a sudden, i'm gobsmacked with something that is nothing short of a miracle. it seems as though janus has relations of which he's totally unaware; one of whom just kicked the bucket -- and i never got the chance to thank him for it. as luck would have it, this obscure relation of mine died in some horrific incident in the nigerian delta -- seems he was mistaken for an albino by the some highly superstitious local tribe of savages, and they meant to carve up his flesh and add it to odd and sundry magic potions; but, once they realized he was just a plain-vanilla, run-o-the-mill white-devil, they chucked him into the delta basin, where he was ripped apart by crocodiles and the remaining bits were nibbled away by a pack of demon-possessed piranhas. sure, i thought it a bit curious that this level of gory detail would be shared with the grieving next-of-kin, and you'd expect that a bank manager would have the ability to compose a legible sentence, but i was willing to overlook these and other disconcerting details (like, for example, the fact that this bank manager is also an itenerate preacher), because there is for janus a bonanza sitting at the disposal of that good-hearted and god-fearing bank manager.

according to this man of God, nigerian law stipulates that i simply send him a measly 10K and then he gets to release all 40 million from my dearly departed uncle mortimer's trust. i'm flat-out giddy, bitchez! the 10K has been wired, and in no time at all i expect to be receiving some very good news from the honorable Mr. Shim-shiminiy Jimmy, Manager, Bank of Godly Goodness, Fistula City, East Cannibaliana District, Republic of Nigeria. i almost feel sorry for all you poor saps -- work-a-day stiffs salting your bread with the sweat of your brow...no more of that shit for janus! me and uncle mortimer's millions (God rest his soul) are gonna start living! money truly does change everything; and already, even in the few minutes remaining before i'm technically rich and those zeros start spilling into my account, i'm already starting to develop a very profound and overwhelming sense of contempt for all you little people...now i get it...now it's clear why we rich people so passionately hate the great unwashed: it's because you miserable wretches are poor.

{btw, congrats to nigeria on the peaceful transfer of power, your emergence as a regional leader, the solidifying of your democratic institutions...oh, and, i almost forgot, big-time props on your soon-coming civil war. no, kenya, i haven't forgotten about you...you'll get your war, too}

anyway, whilst i'm awaiting my well-deserved bonanza, i reckon janus should focus his efforts on benevolence and do his fellow man a good turn. it's been a long time since i've come to the aid of the jews; but when it comes to saving the jews, there's no time like the present -- especially when the present is so close to seder.

for some three thousand years or so, the hebrews have suffered from a little PR problem -- commonly referred to as 'anti-semitism'. after giving anti-semitism a few minute's thought and brow-scrunching cogitation, janus has come up with a solution. jewishness is altogether wanting in the cuddle-factor. what's the cuddle factor? it's what makes easter bunnies an ecumenical hit and dredels an object of fierce derision; it's why kids will give wish lists to santa and go all grand-mal convulsing if two hassids start to quibble in their presence. fortunately for the boys in tel aviv, janus has all the answers.

first, passover is going to need a makeover. the blood of lambs sloshed on doorframes does not a norman rockwell motif make. much as the christians claimed the bunny, you boys need a fuzzy varmint to serve as emblem for your spring festivities. may i suggest the coy and cute-as-a-button raccoon? i can see it now, a feature-length passover cartoon starring moshe the coon as he spreads seder joy to every girl and boy across the planet. i'm trying to think of the best bunny-egg analog for the common coon...back in the day, a friend of mine had a pet raccoon and that thing LOVED crawfish heads -- just the heads -- it was crazy, you'd toss that coon a whole crawfish and he'd rip off the meat and go straight at the head. but, insofar as crawfish are not kosher, maybe you can have geitel fish bit hunts. or, better yet, parents can hide matzo-balls all over the neighborhood. it's every child's purest joy grasping for slimy orbs of goo stuffed betwixt tufts of crabgrass. instant national tradition.

what is more, this lunar calender will not do at all. seder and passover keep jumping all over the julian calender in wild and unpredictable patterns, only confusion and angst will reign in such chaotic arrangement...we gentiles don't keep the people guessing -- easter SUNDAY, and always sunday. how are you ever going to get the people to trust you when you can't keep your own holy days straight? and returing again to the hassids: would it kill you to add some pastels to your wardrobe? sheesh!

...update...i just got an email from the honorable mr. shim-shiminy jimmy...it seems there's been some squabbling in the village over uncle mortimer's status as an albino. some are now claiming that he was not white-devil and was in fact grade-A albino, in which case his trust (along with my 10K) is to be turned over to some band of misfits called "boko haram". on the plus side, it seems i've been automatically enrolled in boko haram's online dating site; however, most of the girls featured aren't my type -- i know the look of duress (that fresh from a kidnapping look of panic-stricken horror) is all the rage in equatorial africa -- but i'm just not into it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kd4u4bZ928M

shalom,

janus

Thu, 04/02/2015 - 08:02 | 5951618 Fix It Again Timmy

Putting ink on a chicken's claws and then letting it run around on a piece of paper would make infinitely more sense than Blogger Ben's blatant bullshit....

Thu, 04/02/2015 - 07:39 | 5951584 overmedicatedun...

bonzai, did ben post your reply, _{(silly i know to ask - not a chance)}

Thu, 04/02/2015 - 07:06 | 5951550 agstacks

"And now that the government has reopened and this threat to our economy is removed, all of us need to stop focusing on the lobbyists, and the bloggers" -O

Thu, 04/02/2015 - 05:02 | 5951471 Platypus

Just another silly "thing" out of ZH. Lots of silly things out latelly. The Tylers need desperatelly a crisis. In other times a piece of junk like this will not even get out of their rear end.

Thu, 04/02/2015 - 09:52 | 5951919 williambanzai7

Nice mask. Is that your soul mate?

Thu, 04/02/2015 - 07:01 | 5951546 nmewn

Silly crisis thingy's, like officially 18 trillion in debt and still climbing, mandating someone engage in commerce through ObamaCare, the dollar is not a store of value thus wealth, NSA spying on everyone & everything for some lunatic-paranoid reason....

Yeah, certainly nothing to see here.

Thu, 04/02/2015 - 03:35 | 5951434 ebworthen

Yup, Bernanke came out and said it: markets can do nothing, and people are helpless - without central control.

Time to move to Russia, more Christianity and Capitalism there than in the U.S.

Thu, 04/02/2015 - 01:54 | 5951377 Dr.Zogg

Clearly photoshop'ed to death...

Thu, 04/02/2015 - 02:08 | 5951387 williambanzai7

Sometimes it takes an ugly.

Thu, 04/02/2015 - 00:53 | 5951316 Nobody For President

The Red Bull explains a lot, thanks WB.

Wed, 04/01/2015 - 23:30 | 5951205 db51

HUBRIS

Wed, 04/01/2015 - 23:24 | 5951194 TeethVillage88s

little Early-Pearly came by in his curly-wurly and asked me if I needed a ride

Wed, 04/01/2015 - 22:30 | 5951077 YouThePeople

Booger Ben looks like a cross between Yetti & Charles Manson.

Wed, 04/01/2015 - 22:55 | 5951134 wisefool

Fake it until you make it. IRS and SS aprove.

Wed, 04/01/2015 - 22:21 | 5951060 DuneCreature

Looks like The Vampire Squid Cartel scapegoated his ass and kicked him to the curb.

I’m still stunned that this jackass feels the need to explain his blatant scumbaggery as monetary leadership and sound fiscal policy on the net to the unwashed. ….. If I were him I’d be getting my name and mug out of the public consciousness ASAP.

Damn, WB, you’ve got that Photoshop stuff down to a science bro. … Nice work.

~ DC

Wed, 04/01/2015 - 22:06 | 5951033 ShakaZulu

"Today I looked at some website called zerohedge. Some guy with a slightly asian-sounding name took my picture and posted it on the site. I'M FAMOUS!"

Wed, 04/01/2015 - 22:01 | 5951023 Dead Canary