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The Only TV News Report On The Economy You'll Ever Need

Submitted by Tyler Durden on 04/05/2015 10:05 -0400

Confused as to whether good news is bad news, bad news is good news, or no news matters whatsoever, this brief clip summarizing every mainstream media report on the economy explains it all...

* * *

h/t Lance R

- advertisements -

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 12:07 | 5958666 dimwitted economist

i plan on buying stock with my bank of America CC on Monday! (Maxing it out!)

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 13:57 | 5958910 JLee2027

I haven't watched that formulistic sob story crap in decades. It's the same negative liberal drumbeat over and over again, something is bad boo hoo hoo.

“I do not take a single newspaper, nor read one a month, and I feel myself infinitely the happier for it.”

- Thomas Jefferson

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 14:00 | 5958919 RU-GAY2

Take that Credit Card and max it out on Crypto Currency today!

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 15:16 | 5959091 Newsboy

Thanks Emily,

That's all I needed to know.

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 15:46 | 5959141 IridiumRebel

At this point a troll makes a totally unrelated comment about Putin, Ukraine, ISIS and Syria.

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 16:03 | 5959171 Four chan

buy b of a stock with it and when it tanks they only have themselves to blame.

out credit the creditors in a mobius strip of debt.

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 18:05 | 5959414 Manthong

Well, I got a lot more out of that report than I have in any of the ten or so minutes of broadcast/cable business news I have seen over the last few years.

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 19:52 | 5959658 RU-GAY2

Look.

How many times do we have to explain it to you tards? Bitcoin is going to a million dollars and beyond... yes, there will be lots of 25%, 50% and 75% corrections along the way. Do we fucking care?!?!? Buh Bitcoin and enjoy them!

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 21:04 | 5959824 Georgia_Boy

7/10 Not bad, but they forgot the obligatory mention of the amazing economic growth in China, and Janet testifying to Congress, and it wouldn't hurt to put a couple of shots of job-seekers in suits at a job fair either.

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 23:01 | 5960104 palmereldritch

How did she predict that the hive would collapse 20 minutes before it happened?

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 23:52 | 5960156 Theosebes Goodfellow

~"How did she predict that the hive would collapse 20 minutes before it happened?"~

You're missing the point. The hive was used as a metaphor. Because it's all about numbers, it soon will be a metathree, then a two, and then no one will rightly give a fuck. With no fucks given, (and none taken), there will be an overabundance of fucks, causing the world market for fucks to collapse, but no one will care.

I hope this clears this up insufficiently to everyone's satisfaction.

Sun, 04/05/2015 - 00:45 | 5960215 palmereldritch

Who needs metaphor when you have facts and logic

http://www.consensus911.org/point-wtc7-7/

The collapse of WTC 7 was announced by the BBC 23 minutes prematurely. The BBC even gave a version of Account 1 to explain why it collapsed.[26] This premature announcement, along with the explanation, was especially peculiar, given the fact that a steel-framed building had never before collapsed because of fire.

Conclusion

Neither Account 1 nor Account 2 of the collapse of WTC 7 can account for the certainty of many people on the scene that the building was going to collapse, the fact that some of them had this foreknowledge long in advance, and that two of the TV networks were able to announce the collapse prematurely. This foreknowledge, it would seem, must have come from people who intended to bring the building down.

This foreknowledge corroborates, therefore, the evidence and conclusions presented in previous Points (see Consensus Points WTC7-1, 2, 3, 5, and 6) that WTC 7 was brought down through a process of controlled demolition.

Thanks for playing Number #5!
http://www.zerohedge.com/news/2015-04-04/how-beat-internet-trolls

Sun, 04/05/2015 - 01:30 | 5960256 skidsmango1

I think you have the wrong article for this comment...just need to be heard?

Sun, 04/05/2015 - 02:37 | 5960286 Tall Tom

The comment was used as an example to support his initial argument.

Why is it so troubling to you that he will state this particular example? Are you invested in the Official Report being valid? Do you really buy that Government produced bullshit?

It is all coming down due to that one event. That marked the end of trust into what any of the Talking Heads on the TeeVee have to say. That was the end of TRUST. That was the end of CONFIDENCE.

Without Trust or Confidence you have lost your audience. Why do you believe that Main Stream Media News Markets are in a steep decline and many have TUNED THEM OUT?

http://www.stateofthemedia.org/files/2011/01/Evening-News-Audience-Continues-a-30-Year-Decline1.png

Are you disturbed that the sheep are awakening and TURNING OFF THEIR TeeVee PROGRAMMING Boxes?

There will be hell to pay for promoting propaganda in a POST COLLAPSE WORLD.

The Talking Heads are going to LOSE THEIR HEADS. Your time runs short.

Sun, 04/05/2015 - 05:21 | 5960351 w a l k - a w a y

The bees in the intro are actually an obscure reference to honey

Thus begins the underlying message in this video.

True knowledge, it is asserted, exists as a positive commodity, like the honey of the bee. Like honey, it can be accumulated.

more information at Bee Matrix

Sun, 04/05/2015 - 05:45 | 5960358 Tall Tom

Isn't that the wonder of allegorical writing?

You see I understood the bees to be the working classes, the honey as the produced wealth, and the beekeeper as the Central Bankers, who will end up stealing that honey at the end of the season and killing off mpst of the bees...asmost commercial beekeepers do.

It is easier to begin woth fresh colonies in the spring rather than to keep a massive colony fed, with profitable product, over the winter in cold climates.

And that is what they are planning to do with us...

You see it different than palmereldritch also.

Yet most likely you will neither be criticized or junked for your perception...because you did not expose the US Government NIST investigation about 911 to be a fraud...which IT IS.

Maybe if someone held the liars' kids at ransom then the truth may be widely exposed. I am not holding my breath.

Sun, 04/05/2015 - 06:14 | 5960374 w a l k - a w a y

Say What?

I was merely giving an observation of the beehives at the beginning of the video.

Also complying with IridiumRebel's comment:

"At this point a troll makes a totally unrelated comment..."

As to 911, you obviously have never browsed my websites.

The 9/11 Triple Cross

911 at Starve the Matrix

As to employing violence, I disagree, ignorance and denial cannot be overcome by force.

As your favorite said:

Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing.

Sun, 04/05/2015 - 13:54 | 5961139 7.62x54r

This would be where I place a pro-gold stacking comment in the thread.

Sun, 04/05/2015 - 07:59 | 5960479 jaxville

The owl and the pussycat went out to sea.

they took plenty of honey and plenty of money....

...wrapped up in a five pound note.

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 22:42 | 5960066 Tall Tom

But what about about Putin, Ukraine, ISIS and Syria?

They are about as relevant to Bitcoin is, in this thread.

Quit trolling UR-2Gay.

Sun, 04/05/2015 - 01:25 | 5960252 skidsmango1

"At this point a troll makes a totally unrelated comment about Putin, Ukraine, ISIS and Syria."

And Bitcoin...fixed it for you.

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 17:01 | 5959294 iofera

You're the troll, Bob.

You silly goose!

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 17:30 | 5959352 Max Steel

Whassssssup murican patriot .

How to Beat Internet Trolls

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 18:33 | 5959473 HowdyDoody

Yo, Larry, how's St. Louis?

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 22:56 | 5960088 Tall Tom

You missed Iridium Rebel's sarcasm directed at UR-2GAY?

LMAO

I really don't mind if you sit this one out

_{my words are a whisper}

YOUR DEAFNESS A SHOUT

I may make you feel but I can't make you think

Your sperm's in the gutter your love's down the sink

So you ride yourself over the fields

And you make all your animal deals

And your wise men don't know how it feels

To be thick as a brick

Your sand castle virtues are all swept away

In the Tidal destructuion the maral melee

The elastic retreat rings the close of play

as the last wave uncovers the newfangled way.

But your new shoes are worn at the heels

and your suntan does rapidly peel

and your wise men don't know how it feels

to be thick as a brick

~ Gearld "Little Milton" Bostwick

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 22:28 | 5960044 Abitdodgie

Putin has a death star.

Sun, 04/05/2015 - 13:23 | 5961068 MontgomeryScott

Putin, sitting in an idling tank in Eastern Ukraine, is cold, hungry, and wants to check his Shitcoin wallet before he ducks down to get a Twix (which most Ukranians now can't afford).

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 18:03 | 5959411 RockyRacoon

Reminds me of "Marketplace" on NPR when they have the Let's Do The Numbers segment. A total waste of air-wave time and resources. What useful information anyone gets from the show escapes me.

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 16:12 | 5959190 TheReplacement

Is fonestar looking for a bailout?

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 18:37 | 5959478 The central planners

the only thing that needs to be max out is your brain, cryptocurrencies ROLF

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 14:04 | 5958930 cossack55

"If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newpaper you are misinformed."

Mark Twain

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 14:11 | 5958940 piratepiet

Yes, but one can read between the lines.

What is NOT being said sometimes rings louder to the careful observer.

Actually amazing what one can figure out using logic and triangulation.

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 14:14 | 5958948 winchester

fucking brits accent i don't get a fuck with their IZZZZZZ ERRRRRRR ORRRRRRRRR OWWWWWW

pita to listen to.

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 14:47 | 5959022 ILLILLILLI

Emily...call me.

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 15:14 | 5959084 Buckaroo Banzai

That was exactly my takeaway. Aside from the singular Penny Priddy, Emily Surname just might be the perfect woman for Yours Truly.

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 16:46 | 5959263 NumNutt

I was cursing the British this morning.......while working on my Range Rover.........

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 17:22 | 5959339 OldTrooper

I feel for you. I'm lucky. My '72 Spitfire was in our barn when it burned to the ground. Otherwise I'd no doubt be replacing U-joints, rebuiding my carb or replacing my fuel pump today - probably on the side of the road. At least the frequent repairs were fairly simple to do.

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 19:12 | 5959564 post turtle saver

you can tell when the fluids in one are empty when they stop leaking

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 20:09 | 5959709 August

If we can Putin to take out The City, Oxford and Cambridge, the rest of England might be salvageable.

Worth a try, I figure.

Sun, 04/05/2015 - 16:36 | 5961424 Nobody For President

Aye. I bought a bug-eye Sprite right out of college, gave me a useful education in vehicle repair. It got me to Georgia and back when i was in the Army. A few years later I bought a straight-light Sprite, bright red; and we had many adventures. Courted my second wife-to- be in it: we were married 45 years - I figured if she could handle camping out in a Sprite, she was the right lady for me...

They were fairly easy to work on, too. Carbs and no fuel injection, distributors and points and no electronic stuff.

Sigh.

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 17:03 | 5959296 iofera

They say the same thing about you, dumbass.

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 16:14 | 5959193 danster82

You cannot be uninformed about misinformation.

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 23:02 | 5960105 Tall Tom

Yes you can.

If you believe that misinformation is actually valid then you are definitely uninformed abut that misinformation.

Sun, 04/05/2015 - 03:39 | 5960328 stacking12321

wrong.

that's not being uninformed about misinformation.

that's being misinformed about misinformation.

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 14:59 | 5959052 Kirk2NCC1701

I do wish she'd have used the name "MARLA".

Marla Surname. Or Marla Durden.

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 18:08 | 5959421 A Nanny Moose

ummm...don't you mean Singer?

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 16:11 | 5959185 petkovplamen

Right, the media is "liberal" sure, -1 for you!

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 14:06 | 5958934 European American

i plan on buying stock with my Visa Debit Card on Monday! (It's already Maxed out!)

Sun, 04/05/2015 - 08:36 | 5960284 JuliaS

And cut to every commercial ever:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MySQXlpVciQ

Sun, 04/05/2015 - 13:34 | 5961086 MontgomeryScott

That's SO SEXIST!

EVERY guy knows there's more to life than Football, sex, and pizza!

Right? (C'mon, guys, help me out here. I'm out of ideas...)

I'm going to go inside and have a Twix.

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 12:08 | 5958669 MATA HAIRY

At this point in the thread is where i usually post an angry screed about plutocrats and mass immigration, whereupon you will usually mutter something about unmedicated schizophrenics...

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 12:40 | 5958716 ali-ali-al-qomfri

and at this point some troll* would write some really racist rant or other ramble set to make others angry and respond in kind.

and then some die hard crypto currency shithead comes around spounting off about how awesome it is.

*(please ref. GW's article on 'How to beat internet trolls')

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 13:31 | 5958866 Pool Shark

Followed by random insults fired back and forth between supporters of said crypto currency and Precious Metals investors arguing the superiority of their respective stores of wealth; culminating with comments such as:

"It only costs $5 to dig it out of the ground."

"What happens when sunspots cause the interwebs to crash?"

"You can't eat Gold."

"BitCoin is a 'honeypot' operation developed by the NSA."

Lather, rinse, repeat...

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 13:57 | 5958908 RU-GAY2

Every young man must choose between owning gold or owning Bitcoin the same way every young man must choose between owning a washing machine or owning a drying machine.

The choice is yours, choose wisely!

https://btc-e.com

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 14:47 | 5959019 zeroheckler

no-brainer; who needs a drying machine? Hang the laundry: less wear (only if you wear it), less energy, smells real fresh. No option though for most city-dwellers.

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 15:09 | 5959075 Citium

I will take what I can touch and has been money for 5,000 years, Alex.

I do own alittle bitcoin on the side I bought in the 150$ area on the rise up. But until the debt bomb explodes bitcoin isn't set up to be a viable functioning for of exchange. If you can bypass the internet and back those digital 1's and 0's with something then faith might be restored in it.

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 16:07 | 5959179 Real Estate Geek

"Bing!"

Do that and in a few years you'll be able to let your maid worry about washers and dryers, because human labor is going to deflate hard vs. gold.

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 13:57 | 5958909 A Lunatic

You forgot to mention Bitchez, Bitchez........

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 14:20 | 5958961 billybobtx

Then comes the post about doing "something" to some "folks"...

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 14:54 | 5959041 McCormick No. 9

Hey, what about the anit-Putin/pro-Putin rant?

Or the anti-Semitic rant?

Or the inevitable peak-oil debate?

All well-loved ZH standards.

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 15:26 | 5959109 Buckaroo Banzai

Peak Oil debate? That's so 2011.

Anti-semitic rants apparently never get old.

"Anti-Putin/Pro-Putin" rants tend to be rather one-sided here. Not sure why that is.

Remember when there were still some ZHers that bought into the Official Conspiracy Theory® of OBL in a cave with $500,000 and 12 guys with boxcutters? It took a few years but they were finally culled from the herd.

For anyone who cares, I celebrated my ZeroHedge Five Year anniversary a few days ago!

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 16:11 | 5959182 freewolf7

Happy Anniversary.

I'll post an opinion about something now, so that someone can improve it, and crow that they "fixed it for me".

Criminals remain in power because we stay on our computers.

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 19:33 | 5959613 iofera

When can we expect you to get off your computer?

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 23:13 | 5960120 Tall Tom

You will know that I have gone dark when Bank buildings start exploding in flames...

That is WHEN you will know.

Oil Refineries are also juicy targets.

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 16:28 | 5959221 janus

happy fifth.

janus

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 18:10 | 5959424 Blano

Happy anniversary! !

Turns out I did too, 2 weeks ago. Guess great minds think alike.

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 21:19 | 5959870 juangrande

Well I just checked. I have you beat by a couple of months. I'll take OBL believers over some of the idiocy that is predominant here today!

This blog, mostly, used to be about the financial mis-information being fomented on the mainline err mainstream media. It still is, to a degree, but the comments have gone from diverse and reasoned to dogmatic,quixotic and down right mean! I'm pretty sure the original Tylers are long gone. Remember Marla's cat of tails wit and Friday night play list?

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 17:17 | 5959324 Phil Free

We did some folks ....

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 18:07 | 5959419 Blano

She also left out "since Lehman."

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 13:54 | 5958907 RU-GAY2

Hey fuck you cryptocurrency is where it's at!

https://btc-e.com

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 14:30 | 5958982 Herd Redirectio...

Aah yes, the world of 'NameCoin', PPC (Whatever that is) and LiteCoin... When was the last time LiteCoin was trendy and hip and hot? When it was $5/LTC? Now 1.69?

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 18:14 | 5959432 JenkinsLane

Fuck off

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 14:26 | 5958971 Citium

That summed up most days on ZH nicely.

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 15:27 | 5959115 gadzooks

at this point, somebody is telling us that somebody somewhere else is working much harder than you are, and contributing a whole lot more to there corrupt goverment.

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 13:40 | 5958873 Eirik Magnus Larssen

Not necessarily shizophrenic, but people objecting to immigration are, by and large, lowly educated and with poor career prospects. The tendency to blame others for one's troubles, especially others from different ethnic or religious groups, is easily exploited by populist politicians.

(Couldn't resist. Joking aside, it's also true.)

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 13:58 | 5958916 TBT or not TBT

You mean American born STEM graduates? Those poorly educated people complaining about Eric Schmidt and Zuckerberg's imported techno coolies with the H1B's? Not following you here.

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 14:00 | 5958917 RU-GAY2

Satoshi you bring light to the virtual world!

Satoshi you make the stackers look like a girl!

Satoshi you came to we in a dream!

Satoshi you are everything you seem!

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 15:04 | 5958926 Eirik Magnus Larssen

I can't help but chuckle at all the downvotes my comment has received from right-wing and conservative types on this website. Am I the consummate "self-hater/sell-out/race traitor" again?

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 15:22 | 5959102 nmewn

I think it had more to do with your consciously omitting the word illegal before the word immigration in your screed.

But of course, "lowly educated, right-wing conservative types with poor career prospects" shouldn't be able to pick up on the subtlety & nuance of your sentence structure being knuckle dragging neanderthals, so it must be "highly educated progressive types with excellent career prospects inside the nanny-state welfare system" who are down voting you ;-)

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 16:16 | 5959194 Real Estate Geek

"I . . . my . . . me . . . Am I the consummate . . ."

JFC, get over yourself. Nobody cares. Why don't you go post something vapid on FB, or stare in the mirror and try to find a zit to pop. Sheesh.

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 17:10 | 5959311 Raging Debate

Magnus Larson - Equality has its place and some good news is we have made great gains in America. The bad news is it is now a distraction for the stripping of liberty. Concepts matter most at the top of human thinking. We are in a 3D universe after all.

First comes concepts in the pyramid, then issues then details. Your commentary resides more in the issues camp on the concept of equality and you don't mention justice so it gets stale very fast.

Want to marry a purple martian? Go ahead no one gives a shit these days. The concepts of justice married with equality results in liberty. That no one is above the law is the foundation of a Republic. Equal under the law... Until that is restored I have studied plenty of Monarchies to survive and (kinda) thrive. But it is heartbraking to see global monarchy instead of striving for something better, even an imperfect Republic.

Sun, 04/05/2015 - 00:52 | 5959901 juangrande

I totally agree with you, except the Purple Martian part. That would be an incredible distraction, probably spawning a new "NEWS" network!!!

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 18:31 | 5959468 Ace006

Village idiot works for me.

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 19:20 | 5959576 angel_of_joy

EML, you're a fucking snob, full of leftist bull crap . That's the source of all the mistery for your down votes...

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 19:48 | 5959644 dreadnaught

well you chose to be an 'idiot' and he chose to be a 'snob' dont downvote him on that, you creepy child predator

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 14:30 | 5958973 Citium

How much you lost on bitcoin when you were "buying hand over fist" when we cried bubble top at $1,100?

Sometimes your bitcoin trolling can be funny, but I can't help believe you are hiding from embarrassment over losing a fortune on something that was doomed to fail in it's current construct. Unless, of course, you are one of these people that have been stealing millions of dollars in bitcoin. Then congrats!

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 14:59 | 5959031 Lore

He's probably a heavily-indebted post-graduate under-employed coffee shop barista, devoting his time to plugging this thing because it's his last best hope for personal validation. Simply: he's a LOSER.

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 16:31 | 5959234 NickVegas

There are a number of elements on this site; robots, three letters, sovereigns, money interests, libertarians, honey pots, and a few I'm still trying to classify. It would be naive to believe fonestar is here for personal validation, although it would give some plausible deniablility. I'm here to see which part of history they want to rewrite, and I've been stunned at the scope of their analysis. Now down the rabbit hole with the lot of you.

"He who controls others may be powerful
but he who has mastered himself is mightier still."

Lao Tzu

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 15:37 | 5959127 RU-GAY2

2014 was a great year for Bitcoin, not that you would understand why.

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 17:22 | 5959337 Bay of Pigs

Please, BTC has been in a steady 16 month downtrend since Nov. of 2013 (down around 75-80%).

http://www.coindesk.com/price/

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 23:10 | 5960115 Tall Tom

Not that I am anywhere a proponent of BitCON, because it is a God Damned PONZI with an flawed architecture but...

Silver has not done much better since May, 2011.

And I am a proponent of both Silver and Gold.

But more than that I am a proponent of ethics.

And although I enjoy your quips that was just not right.

God bless.

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 18:17 | 5959434 JenkinsLane

[Ignore]

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 12:09 | 5958672 tc399

Emily is now my favorite reporter.

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 12:12 | 5958681 thatthingcanfly

Yeah, that was ART.

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 12:16 | 5958687 Ignatius

And if she's minimally enthusiastic in bed she's the whole package.

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 12:34 | 5958721 Son of Loki

Intelligent, pretty, slim, and probably speaks a couple of languages and has a univeristy degree; it's a comb getting harder to find .... so, she's great in my book [as long as she does NOT have hairy nipples and shaves her armpits].

Believe me, these smart good looking gals who actually work for a living are like rare birds nowadays. For some reason girls think fat bellies hanging over their low rise jeans are "in." She's a bit old for me but I'll overlook that in light of her other assets.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention she has one of those sophisticated British accents too! If Emily is reading these comments and has any intrest in a young handsome male with a Vikinbg background [that's Me] who still lives in his parent's basement please give me a call.

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 12:40 | 5958748 remain calm

Emily, " you had me at, still lives in my parents basement"

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 13:14 | 5958819 U4 eee aaa

At least he has an inheritance coming to him

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 13:32 | 5958869 kaiserhoff

She could easily be the next Ex Mrs. Hoff;)

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 14:03 | 5958929 TBT or not TBT

His extensive video game play might help him defend it from zombies or aliens, but neither of those apocalypse scenarios is assured. A multi decade depression and emergency government powers that never retreat is just about assured. Some inheritance.

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 14:17 | 5958952 847328_3527

Bragging about the free basement living will only make us more jealous, Loki.

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 14:00 | 5958853 Eirik Magnus Larssen

Heheh. From what I recall from having to read the Elder Edda as part of our school curriculum, Loki was something of a bad guy. She should know you do not come from a good stock.

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 18:12 | 5959428 Major Malfunction

True story. Loki was not from Asgard -- his parents were Frost Giants. He only later became Odin's blood brother, so Thor was not Loki's brother, but his half-brother.

So, yeah. Frost Giants. Not good stock.

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 22:18 | 5960015 Handful of Dust

BTW, some Brits are still sore at the Vikings kicking the snot out of them for years then taking over half their nation. But once she finds out you're an avid ZH reader and steady ZH commenter, she'll fall all over you, Loki, and she'll forget all about that Vikiing background.

Girls love ZH people. It makes them horny as heck.

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 14:13 | 5958944 Jacksons Ghost

EPIC! Son of, you rock.

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 14:28 | 5958977 DipshitMiddleCl...

indeed this is the truth

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 12:22 | 5958695 NoDebt

I feel empathy for her, I think she is intelligent because of the words she read and because the story was funny in a way that seems truthful, I also find her trustworthy. I will believe what she says in the future. And I hope in some way to live vicariously through her because I now believe she speaks for me.

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 12:36 | 5958737 Never One Roach

She's the best gal I've seen on ZH since Angelina Jolie gave us her financial advice.

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 13:27 | 5958854 DuneCreature

Yea, but she’s no Lauren Lyster.

I’m am expressly forbidden to visit Yahoo! Finance's Hot Stock Minute URL.

Ms Creature considers it a porn site and checks the log files weekly.

~ DC

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 15:32 | 5959119 Buckaroo Banzai

Lauren is gorgeous, but she is not sufficiently cynical to be the First Lady of ZeroHedge.

I hereby nominate Emily Surname to that office!

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 18:56 | 5959514 DuneCreature

I could go with that.

Emily does have that dry grinding Monty Python air of pending doom that so many here find compelling.

Back in Lauren’s RT days I sensed a fair degree cynicism and frustration creeping into her shows too. I think that may have been the main reason she was suddenly yanked off the air.

I don’t see why we couldn’t have it all and give Emily the Anchor slot presenting the big picture (read that ‘clusterfuck’) in some palatable way. Then have Lauren behind the Technical Desk (clear acrylic, of course) drilling down into the details and putrid muck. Lyster never seemed to mind getting her hands dirty which I always find appealing.

In the third and final segment we take both girls to pub, twix'm up and get the real low down ‘Behind The Scenes’ eco skinny.

Whata say?

Sun, 04/05/2015 - 07:57 | 5960473 overmedicatedun...

the weather report is where it's at..example..

we had a mild out break of brisk corruption in washington dc in the moring , but by the evening bribes had subsided.

in new york the police violence was the largest ever recorded for the season, with 1st amendment violations most prominent at local airports. we advise our listeners to avoid mid town as terrorist false flags seem to be forming a historic low.

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 15:02 | 5959056 Lore

@ NoDebt: In the interest of clarity, you forgot the closing flourish: /tongueincheek

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 12:10 | 5958675 Thirst Mutilator

You gotta always look out for #1, [& try not to step in #2]

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 12:14 | 5958682 Ignatius

And always remember that in an emergency one can drink #1, but I don't recommend it with a meal nor dessert.

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 12:29 | 5958720 Sanity Bear

it's not like they call the guy Bull Gryllis

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 12:11 | 5958677 chunga

another 2:48 of nothing?

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 14:02 | 5958918 zhandax

At least this one had an uncharacteristic measure of honesty

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 12:12 | 5958680 oldschool

Brilliantly economical. No need to watch financial reporting ever again -- not that there was before, which is pretty much the (very funny) point.

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 12:14 | 5958685 hairball48

My new favorite reporter too ! ROFLMAO!!

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 12:17 | 5958689 disabledvet

Blow me.

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 12:17 | 5958690 cornfritter

"Emily Surname" - Hawt, except for the talking part. Kinda funny, but like the reports that are the subject of this comedic report, it is best viewed (if at all) with audio off. In fact, better go outside and enjoy a beer if you can still afford one. Looks like Emily can. Hows bout get the City of London thieves to send over a couple tankers of Bass Ale eh Emily? I mean thats the least they could do after destroying the country I was born into. PS - Please tell the queen to f*ck off.

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 12:18 | 5958692 Puchica

What to the dumbers mean???

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 18:44 | 5959494 DuneCreature

Yea, I caught that too. Priceless.

~ DC

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 12:19 | 5958693 davidalan1

She said "fucking"-

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 12:21 | 5958697 Handful of Dust

I thougth so also:

"...fucking apprentice...."

right?

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 12:28 | 5958718 davidalan1

with great conviction i believe...

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 12:26 | 5958708 hairball48

I love girls who can say "fuck" :)

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 16:23 | 5959212 nakki

I love women that can!! Hiyo

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 12:27 | 5958711 DaddyO

Were you not entertained?

DaddyO

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 12:20 | 5958696 Handful of Dust

Did anyone catch her telephone number?

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 12:29 | 5958723 davidalan1

867-5309?

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 12:42 | 5958750 Nostradalus

I got your number on the waalllll,

I got it, I got it

For a good time, for a good time caaaalllllll.

:o)

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 15:06 | 5959061 Lore

Someone should write a song.

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 12:44 | 5958758 Nostradalus

dup

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 14:06 | 5958933 roadhazard

If she doesn't answer keep trying.

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 12:24 | 5958701 HolyfieldsOtherEar

She should have added, "And if you're a man, you're probably wondering what I look like with my clothes off."

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 12:27 | 5958713 hairball48

Especially if you're an old man like me :)

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 12:34 | 5958732 Eyeroller

or "And if you're Hillary, you're probably wondering what I look like with my clothes off."

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 12:49 | 5958772 MATA HAIRY

and if you are michelle obama, you are probably wondering if you have already porked me

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 14:09 | 5958939 Caleb Abell

Can a human and a Wookie reproduce?

Fri, 04/10/2015 - 02:48 | 5959070 Lore

Ugh. Just ugh.

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 12:24 | 5958702 AustrianJim

Emily Surname? She on Twitter?

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 12:33 | 5958703 SgtSchultz

The "Blue Line jumps 11%!!"

NEW YORK–Excitement swept the financial world Monday, when a blue line jumped more than 11 percent, passing four black horizontal lines as it rose from 367.22 to 408.85.

It was the biggest single-day gain for a blue line since 1994.

"Even if you extend the blue line's big white box back many vertical lines, you won't find a comparably large jump," said Milton Vogel, a senior analyst with Merrill Lynch. "That line just kept going up, up, up."

The blue line, which had been sluggish ever since the red line started pointing down in April, began its rebound with an impressively pointy 7 percent rise Friday. By noon Monday, it had crossed the second horizontal line from the top for the first time since December.

Ecstatic investors are comparing the blue line to the left side of a very tall, steep blue mountain.

"It's a really steep line," said Larry Danziger, a San Jose, CA, day trader and golf enthusiast. "I stand to make a tremendous amount of money as a result of the steepness of this line."

"It looks like the line's about to shoot out of the box," said Boston-area investor Michael Lupert, enjoying a glass of white zinfandel on the bow of his 30-foot yacht. "I'm definitely going to keep a close eye on this line as it continues to move to the right."

Despite such bullishness, some financial observers are urging caution.

"Given this line's long history of jaggedness, we really should take a wait-and-see approach," Fortune magazine associate editor Charles Reames said. "And even if this important line continues its upward pointiness, we must remember that there are other shapes, colors, numbers, and lines to consider when judging the health of the economy."

http://www.theonion.com/articles/blue-line-jumps-11-percent,333/

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 12:27 | 5958710 My Days Are Get...

What was that all about - I guess nothing - which I think is the point being made.

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 12:55 | 5958780 chunga

I had to play it again, it's making fun of CNBC and other "news" shows. The TV "experts" talk about this a lot but it's all style and no substance. It's hard to tell if you never watch that shit.

Sat, 04/04/2015 - 16:15 | 5959195 Arnold