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Silicon Shark Jumps the Shark

Tim Knight from Slope of Hope's picture




 

From the Slope of Hope: Having been involved with high-tech since 1979, and having lived in Palo Alto since 1984, I have some acquaintance with the psyche of the Silicon Valley. It has long been a very imitative place, in spite of its frequent self-praise with respect to innovation and "outside the box" thinking (the phrase itself being quite cliche and, itself, very inside-the-box).

I well remember being at Apple during the late 1980s and early 1990s when an entire series of CEOs went in one door and out the other, as Apple fumbled about, trying to find a real "leader" in the post-Jobs and post-Sculley era. John Sculley was never a shining beacon of unfettered genius, but he looked like the Mozart of Managers compared to the bozos that headed Apple (however briefly) during those years. One I remember in particular was a guy named Allan Z. Loren, shown here (I have no idea what the bikes are doing there; it's the only photo I could find). In case it's unclear, Loren is the one with the gigantic nose on the left.

God's formula in creating Allan was simple: (1) take Steve Jobs; (2) remove all the creativity and vision; (3) slap on a vaguely-unattractive face on his head. That was pretty much it.

In spite of this, the Vice Presidents at Apple did what they always do: tried to find subtle ways to ape the behavior of their superior. One particularly bizarre example was croakies: that is, the string one puts on eyeglasses so they can dangle like a necklace when you're not using them. Loren wore them and so, one by one, any manager who happened to wear glasses started wearing croakies. This didn't lead to any particularly innovative products during those years, in case you want to know.

The imitation of success, based on the notion that copying the habits of others will yield similar success, is alive and well in these parts. I could take you to Stanford University, a brisk walk from my house, on any day of the week, and show you the legions of mothers from mainland China who are there with their government-sanctioned sole offspring, peering through their gigantic sun visors at the campus. I know precisely what they are thinking: if my kid gets in here, he's going to be the next Larry Page. (Tim's Pro Tip: he isn't).

I was reminded of all this when yesterday I read about a new entity called Startup Castle. Simply stated, this is a place that is based on the theory that if you get a bunch of highly-educated, young, energetic, and relatively homogenous people together and put them in the right venue, magic is going to happen. This is implied at once from the site's home page:

0514-suc-logo

Now this isn't a metaphorical "castle". They're not holding this members-only club at some coffee shop. It really is a very grand place, and if you are fortunate enough to be accepted, you get to live here:

0514-suc-mansion

And a look at some of the thumbnail photos on the site quickly get across the premise that this is a huge, rich, and very exclusive place:

0514-suc-pictures

But by no means should you think this is all about striking it rich like Zuckerberg, Jobs, Brin, Ellison, or any of the other Valley luminaries. No, no, no. The site quickly dispatches any connection with filthy lucre by offering up these nausea-inducing bromides that are intended, I suppose, to convince you of the higher purpose that awaits you (the highlights are mine):

0514-suc-values

Now before you are ready to have your spirit cleansed or your mind freed from addiction, you actually have to be accepted into the place. And, rest assured, this is no mean feat. There is a long list of requirements, including:

  • Having a top-class degree with a strong math/science background (translation: Stanford, Harvard, MIT, or similar);
  • You exercise at least 15 hours a week;
  • You like petting dogs (personally, I support this one)

But the list is much longer than just that; here are some more (let me just jump in here right now and assure you I am not making these up):

  • You can't watch more than four hours of television or movies per week;
  • You can't have more than one tattoo;
  • You cannot have attended more than one protest in your lifetime;
  • You can't make more than three posts per week to social media;
  • You can only wear make-up twice a week;
  • You can only listen to songs with explicit lyrics once per day;
  • You can't own any clothing, shoes, watches, or handbags costing more than $500;
  • You can't have a complex diet that requires a lot of refrigerator space;
  • You can't drink alcohol than more than times a week;
  • You can't smoke marijuana more than twice a year;
  • And, in your entire lifetime, you can't have used any other drug more than twice

Again, I am leaving out a lot of other requirements, because there's only so much of this stuff I want to re-type. A representative from Start-Up Castle (whose acronym, I'll quietly point out, is S.U.C.) stated that the rules were not meant to be discriminatory, but that the founders were just "trying to get away from people who were obsessed with themselves."

I'll just give you a moment to let that sentence sink in, since it's hard to conjure up a place more likely to be populated by hyper-narcissistic navel-gazing douche-nozzles.

I'm not sure how many white young men from Stanford qualified candidates will ultimately be housed in this success-pit, but don't let the dazzling facade of the place throw you. The bedrooms they feature on the web site appear to be the kind of thing you'd sleep in when visiting your elderly parents who have cleared away a room for you to stay in over the Thanksgiving holiday:

0514-suc-bed

Of course, just because I have the good fortune to live in Palo Alto doesn't mean I've had my head completely poisoned by the rampant nonsense flying around this place. Nor has it destroyed the good sense of the folks on my Facebook feed chiming in with their own reactions:

0514-suc-comments

Let me just offer you this solemn assurance: Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak wouldn't have started Apple in a place like this. Nor would have Larry Ellison started Oracle, Page and Brin started Google, Filo and Yang started Yahoo, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

Innovative, successful companies are formed due to almost astronomically-unlikely pairings of the right people, at the right time, in the right place. And that place isn't going to be Startup Castle. Promise.

 

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Fri, 05/15/2015 - 10:05 | 6096998 desirdavenir
desirdavenir's picture

more than the restrictions, it is the "values" that are most nausea-inducing:

- the strongest and best are meant to lead the world (excellence)

- they must be ready to do "whatever it takes" (transcendence, a restatement of purposes bigger than ourselves, but also the freedom from fear in integrity)

- all this for cleansing one's spirit

they could simply say they want to recruit sociopathic managers (competence irrelevant, just a total absence of empathy is required)

Fri, 05/15/2015 - 08:53 | 6096656 RagnarRedux
RagnarRedux's picture

So is it some sort of strange "Playboy mansion" knockoff, or something?

Fri, 05/15/2015 - 08:38 | 6096606 Dumgoy
Dumgoy's picture

Ooo, ooo, maybe Timmy can repost that cool story he told over at the Slope way back when Obama won his first term, about how Tim and his mommy lived in the redneck south and they were the only ones in town that treated blacks with respect?  Everybody else was racist, but he overcame.  It's a real tear-jerker!

Fri, 05/15/2015 - 07:53 | 6096481 imaginalis
imaginalis's picture

This is a Monty Python sketch.

Fri, 05/15/2015 - 02:45 | 6096174 basho
basho's picture

new list to be issued soon will include

"You don't need to drink or pass water more than one time per week."

Fri, 05/15/2015 - 01:48 | 6096133 JoJoJo
JoJoJo's picture

"cant do this and cant do that" same rules applied to anyone of age before 1968

Fri, 05/15/2015 - 15:56 | 6096039 armageddon addahere
armageddon addahere's picture

Read a story a while ago about the most innovative building at MIT, a research center that produced unbelievable innovation including 2 Nobel prizes.

It was a dump. Built of wood as a temporary lab during WW2, it was supposed to be demolished 6 months after the war.

Somehow it survived into the 1970s. The reason it produced so much innovation and success was 2 fold:

Only the most hopeless geeks and research got assigned to it. In other words, the most far out and  innovative. Stuff that made sense got the good labs.

And, nobody cared if you wrecked the joint since it was a wreck anyway. If you wanted heavy duty wiring you just punched holes in the walls and ran some wires. One team needed some kind of apparatus 20 feet high. They chopped holes in the floors and ceilings and built it.

Another group built a model railway layout that eventually expanded into 3 rooms. When they ran out of space they tore down a wall and kept going.

No committee meetings, waiting for approval, applying for grants to build stuff. Instead of spending 2 years getting permission to try something, throw it together in a week and try it. If it works, wow what a brain. If it doesn't, try something else.

It would be interesting to see  the original experimental apparatus that created our greatest innovations. Chances are most of it looked like Rube Goldberg built it in a junk yard.

We could start with Ben Franklin's experiment to prove lighting was made of electricity, using a child's kite, a heavy brass door key, and a silk cord probably borrowed from the parlor curtains.

Thu, 05/14/2015 - 20:39 | 6095467 Cityzerosix
Cityzerosix's picture

Bomb it.

Thu, 05/14/2015 - 20:18 | 6095383 shovelhead
shovelhead's picture

Palo Alto hasn't been the same place since Jerry Garcia stopped giving banjo lessons there.

But that was a few years back. The place got weirder since they stopped doing psychedelics and started tripping on themselves.

Thu, 05/14/2015 - 23:44 | 6095963 TahoeBilly2012
TahoeBilly2012's picture

My co worker Frank saw the Dead in 67 in PA, still mumbling to himself about it. I mean he talks to himself all day long, but yea, that was the Bay Area. The place is creeped out now.

Fri, 05/15/2015 - 07:04 | 6096401 VisionQuest
VisionQuest's picture

I saw'em once at the Cow Palace in the early Seventies. They called the event "Sound Check" because they'd just replaced all their amps & p.a. equipment and they wanted to wring it out before hitting the road. They played for 8 hours straight. Other Bay Area musicians made guest appearances. The event started in late afternoon and finished after midnight. A very mellow time indeed.

Thu, 05/14/2015 - 19:44 | 6095229 Chipped ham
Chipped ham's picture

Naysayer!!!

Thu, 05/14/2015 - 19:25 | 6095173 I Drink Your Mi...
I Drink Your Milkshake's picture

Another thing I find interesting about this startupcastle.org website is they're using a whois proxy based in Auckland.

Seems a little odd for a legit non-profit "organization".

Still smacks pf some reality TV bullshit to me.

Thu, 05/14/2015 - 19:04 | 6095113 Crocodile
Crocodile's picture

The Pope is jealous; he and his friends would like a "piece" of that action.

Thu, 05/14/2015 - 19:34 | 6095198 Weaponized Innocense
Weaponized Innocense's picture

Don't they all want a piece as they divide up ur mind for the spin down the endless echoing hole to hell passed via lover pâténted's warlord passion assassins from ones bedroom to armageddonomics for the puppetry of middlebots of souls can mandate sarcasm hiding endless appetites of blood lusting jealousies kiss of death.

Thu, 05/14/2015 - 18:08 | 6094899 I Drink Your Mi...
I Drink Your Milkshake's picture

Looks like MTV is hiring a cast for their answer to HBO's Silicon Valley.

Thu, 05/14/2015 - 17:48 | 6094800 cheech_wizard
cheech_wizard's picture

>And, in your entire lifetime, you can't have used any other drug more than twice

No mind altering substances used > 2x ? Leaves me out...

I remember the time I was given an interview and the interviewer reads off a list of drugs to me, asking if I had ever taken any of them. I don't recall how I answered, but I do recall mentioning that his list was incredibly short and proceeding to expand his knowledge base by reciting the PDR for all class I and II narcotics.

 

Thu, 05/14/2015 - 19:25 | 6095176 Weaponized Innocense
Weaponized Innocense's picture

They say they want ur outright honesty while they fuck u up the ass 24/7/365 for ur life ~
It's only for the motivation to kill but keep alive in zombie hell but dead enough to not be a threat.

Thu, 05/14/2015 - 16:20 | 6094387 Budnacho
Budnacho's picture

A giant place of "creativity" where mind-altering substances are not permitted...

 

"We're proud to announce the 1st product out of Startup Castle..The iWatch Strap!"

 

 

Thu, 05/14/2015 - 16:19 | 6094382 Downtoolong
Downtoolong's picture

It’s the new Hotel California. For $150k per year you can check in any time you like, but, you can  never leave until (a) you actually develop a billion dollar start-up company and grant us 51% ownership or (b) you and your rich parents run out of money.

Thu, 05/14/2015 - 16:12 | 6094357 kaiserhoff
kaiserhoff's picture

I somehow find this reassuring, Tim.

Now, where's my sandwich board that say's the end is near?

Thu, 05/14/2015 - 15:42 | 6094227 SiFiUK
SiFiUK's picture

Wanna-be entrepeneurs never make it cos they are constantly searching for how to be an entrepeneur!

 

Elite clubs like this will simply create the corporate wind-bags for the real entrepeneurs to offload their creations to, and at a price they never dreamed of back in the days of working so hard they didnt realise it'd already gone dark and they hadn't had lunch yet (which was likely egg, beans or cheese on toast assuming no leftovers from the weekend).

 

Apologies this is less than 180 characters

Thu, 05/14/2015 - 19:28 | 6095184 Weaponized Innocense
Weaponized Innocense's picture

Clone u to fuck u amd all ur lovers etc etc etc w total insincerity!

Thu, 05/14/2015 - 19:29 | 6095185 Weaponized Innocense
Weaponized Innocense's picture

ISIS recruiting agency!

Thu, 05/14/2015 - 15:39 | 6094208 Skateboarder
Skateboarder's picture

I work for a small business. They have been in business for nearly two decades. Everyone (including many people who should know better) says, "ah, a startup", when I mention the size. This whole 'startup' thing has gotten way out of hand, and no one makes anything worth a darn anymore. Peak monkey-see-doodoo-monkey-doo-doodoo.

Thanks for reporting this Tim - hadn't any idea that S.U.C existed, but now that I know, I am quite disgusted. Kind of like that startup/entreprenuer hangout coffee place on Univeristy you posted about a little while back, except a jillion times more decadent.

Won't be missing this shithole when I leave. Well, maybe Gordon Biersch. That Hefeweizen and Dan the bartender are worth the visit.

Thu, 05/14/2015 - 15:48 | 6094258 Tim Knight from...
Tim Knight from Slope of Hope's picture

Exactly - - HanaHaus (http://slopeofhope.com/2015/03/the-time-warp-again.html) sprung to mind when I was writing this. And HanaHaus seems downright level-headed and sensible compared to the above circle-jerk.

Thu, 05/14/2015 - 20:20 | 6095398 shovelhead
shovelhead's picture

At least you get coffee and the insufferable 'barista' will go away.

Thu, 05/14/2015 - 21:22 | 6095597 max2205
max2205's picture

Sounds too gay for my taste Tim

Thu, 05/14/2015 - 15:37 | 6094193 LawsofPhysics
LawsofPhysics's picture

Onion piece?

Thu, 05/14/2015 - 15:49 | 6094265 Tim Knight from...
Tim Knight from Slope of Hope's picture

I seriously kept worrying about that, since I'd rather not be punk'd by some amazing hoax - - but the web site seems pretty legit.

Thu, 05/14/2015 - 23:41 | 6095949 TahoeBilly2012
TahoeBilly2012's picture

The best rock albums featured key players on heroin, I mean that's a winning formula.

Thu, 05/14/2015 - 15:50 | 6094264 Tim Knight from...
Tim Knight from Slope of Hope's picture

{deleting duplicate comment}

Fri, 05/15/2015 - 09:26 | 6096810 fedupwhiteguy
fedupwhiteguy's picture

Hey Timbo!! I saw that you left off the numerical value of the alchohol restriction statement... So funny. I immediately thought of Father Sarducci comedy skit wherein he sounds off on payment for sins. And at the 3:55 mark you'll see...

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e7ykYHwG5i4

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