14 Reasons Why Jamie Dimon "Understands The Global Banking System"

Tyler Durden's picture

According to the afterword to her book "A Fighting Change" Elizabeth Warren recounts a visit by jamie Dimon to her office shortly after she was sworn in. She said that when Dimon complained about stiffening regulation she warned him CFPB rules might take effect that would spell trouble for the bank. Warren said Dimon “leaned back and slowly smiled,” and then replied, "So hit me with a fine. We can afford it."

Afford it he can, over $30 billion and counting... or rather JPM's shareholders can - the same shareholders who would have been wiped out had they not been bailed out by the same government that is now punishing JPM for years of market rigging and manipulation, and yet is terrified of throwing anyone in prison. Which is also why Dimon is not only richer than you, but richer than almost everyone else now that he is a billionaire.

He also carries a grudge. According to Bloomberg, during a speech on Wednesday at an event in Chicago, when talking about Elizabeth Warren Dimon said: "I don’t know if she fully understands the global banking system."

Perhaps his comment is in response to Warren's recent statement that "the finance guys argue that if you’re never in the club, you can’t understand it, but I think they have it backward. Not being in the club means not drinking the Kool-Aid."

She added that such bankers are smart, but no smarter than people in many other professions, she said. When their mistakes led to the financial crisis, they “took care of themselves and their bonuses while millions of people lost everything.”

“The problem was never that I didn’t understand what the finance guys were doing,” she said in April. “The problem was that I understood exactly what the finance guys were doing. I knew it, and they knew it.”

She is right, of course, but the bigger problem is that it was the government's actions and the Fed's policy that enabled bankers to socialize losses and privatize profits. They still do.

As for Warren, she may or may not understand the "global banking system", but Dimon certainly does as the following 14 "reasons" clearly confirm.

Misleading CDO Investments

Quick Stats

  • JP Morgan fined $153.6 million
  • Settled on 6/21/2011
  • Case Details

The SEC settled with JP Morgan after it was discovered that the company misled investors on the complexity of a number of CDOs that were being offered. Specifically, the firm failed to notify investors that it had taken short positions in more than half of the assets bundled in said CDOs. The company did not admit to any wrongdoing or deny the allegations, but it agreed to pay $18.6 million in disgorgement, $2 million in prejudgment interest, and $133 million as a penalty. It was also required that the company change how it reviews and approves certain mortgage securities.

Anticompetitive Conduct in Municipal Bonds

Quick Stats

  • JP Morgan fined $228 million
  • Settled on 7/7/2011
  • Case Details

JP Morgan settled an anticompetitive case with the U.S. Department of Justice (DOJ) in which it was forced to admit wrongdoing and knowledge of its illegal actions. “By entering into illegal agreements to rig bids on certain investment contracts, JPMorgan and its former executives deprived municipalities of the competitive process to which they were entitled” said Assistant Attorney General Christine Varney of the case. The charges stemmed from actions the company took from 2001 to 2006.

Foreclosure Abuses and “Robo-Signing”

Quick Stats

  • JP Morgan fined $5.29 billion
  • Settled on 2/9/2012
  • Case Details

This gargantuan settlement came as the DOJ fined the five largest mortgage servicers in the nation. The entire suit was for $25 billion and was centered around “robo-signing” affidavits in foreclosure proceedings, “deceptive practices in the offering of loan modifications; failures to offer non-foreclosure alternatives before foreclosing on borrowers with federally insured mortgages; and filing improper documentation in federal bankruptcy court.” All banks involved, including JP Morgan, have until 2/9/2015 to comply with the settlement [see also The Unofficial Dividend.com Guide to Being an Investor].

More Mortgage Misrepresentation

Quick Stats

  • JP Morgan fined $269.9 million
  • Settled on 11/16/2012
  • Case Details

Settled with the SEC, this case focused on JP Morgan misstating the delinquency status of mortgage loans that were collateral for residential mortgage-backed securities in which JP Morgan was the underwriter. It was found that investors lost $37 million on undisclosed delinquent loans. “Misrepresentations in connection with the creation and sale of mortgage securities contributed greatly to the tremendous losses suffered by investors once the U.S. housing market collapsed” said Robert Khuzami, Director of SEC’s Division of Enforcement.

Improper Foreclosures Pt. 2

Quick Stats

  • JP Morgan fined $1.8 billion
  • Settled in 01/2013
  • Case Details

Continuing from the 2/9/2012 fine, JP Morgan tacked on another $1.8 billion to its already massive fine of $5.29 billion, totaling just over $7 billion. Combined, it is the company’s largest fine ever up to that point. That record would not stand for long, as the latter half of 2013 had other plans for the financial blue chip.

Electricity Trading Scandal

Quick Stats

  • JP Morgan fined $410 million
  • Settled on 7/30/2013
  • Case Details

This fine was brought on by the Federal Energy Regulatory Commission (FERC) as it was discovered that JP Morgan was manipulating energy markets in California and the Midwest. In total, $125 million of unjust profits were returned and $285 million came as a civil penalty to be sent back to the U.S. Treasury.

Illegal Credit Card Practices

Quick Stats

  • JP Morgan fined $389 million
  • Settled on 9/19/2013
  • Case Details

This fine was the result of JP Morgan deceiving customers into signing up for costly, unnecessary services when opening a new credit card. Broken down, $309 million of that figure was dedicated to repaying consumers, there was a $60 million civil penalty, and a separate $20 million penalty from the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau.

The London Whale

Quick Stats

  • JP Morgan fined $920 million
  • Settled on 9/19/2013
  • Case Details

One of the most infamous cases over the last few years is the “London Whale,” which refers to two former JP Morgan traders who committed fraud to cover up massive losses (approximately $6 billion) in a trading portfolio. “JPMorgan failed to keep watch over its traders as they overvalued a very complex portfolio to hide massive losses” said George S. Canellos, Co-Director of the SEC’s Division of Enforcement. The SEC slapped JP Morgan with the fine and also forced the firm to admit to wrongdoing [see also High Dividend Portfolios].

The Fannie and Freddie Fines

Quick Stats

  • JP Morgan fined $5.1 billion
  • Settled on 10/25/2013
  • Case Details

The Federal Housing Finance Agency (FHFA) acted as a conservator for Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac in this settlement. The fine included a $4 billion charge to address infractions of both state and federal laws while another $1.1 billion went to Fannie and Freddie themselves – $670 million to the former and $480 million to the latter. Yet another case that was based on mortgage-related securities at its core, which is something of a theme for the company.

Institutional Mortgage Securities

Quick Stats

  • JP Morgan fined $4.5 billion
  • Settled on 11/15/2013
  • Case Details

No surprises here, yet another case where JP Morgan was accused of shelling out less-than-stable mortgages. This time, however, the focus was on 21 institutional investors as opposed to a mass of retail investors. The $4.5 billion settlement covers the losses incurred from instruments that were sold between 2005 and 2008. Shortly before this case settled, the company disclosed for the first time that it had $23 billion set aside for legal expenses and penalties.

The Big One: Misleading “Toxic Mortgages”

Quick Stats

  • JP Morgan fined $13 billion
  • Settled on 11/19/2013
  • Case Details

In the largest fine (of any single company) in corporate history, JP Morgan settled for $13 billion in November of 2013. The charges stemmed from misleading investors on what regulators dubbed “toxic mortgages.” The settlement also dictated that the company had to admit wrongdoing in that it knowingly misled investors on the quality of these securities. This has been one of the few times in recent memory that the company has actually offered a “mea culpa.” Of the $13 billion, $9 billion will be used to settle federal and state civil claims while $4 billion will be used as relief to aid consumers harmed by the unlawful practice.

Libor Rigging Scandal

Quick Stats

  • JP Morgan fined $108 million
  • Settled on 12/4/2013
  • Case Details

The alleged manipulation of the London Interbank Offered Rate (Libor) was one of the biggest European cases in recent memory. When the dust finally settled, it was found that a number of banks, including Citigroup (C ) and JP Morgan were involved. JP Morgan settled for $108 million as the investigation could not find any evidence that management had knowledge of the actions of the two traders who committed the act [see also The Ten Commandments of Dividend Investing].

Madoff Retribution

Quick Stats

  • JP Morgan fined $1.7 billion
  • Settled on 1/6/2014
  • Case Details

The Bernie Madoff ponzi scheme is one of the most infamous in the history of the investing world. After faking portfolio gains and eventually losing billions for his clients, Madoff was sentenced to 150 years in prison (after pleading guilty) and had to forfeit $17.179 billion. His scheduled release from Federal prison is on 11/14/2139. The high profile case cost JP Morgan $1.7 billion along with an onslaught of negative press.

Currency Manipulation

Quick Stats

  • JP Morgan fined $1.34 Billion
  • Settled on 11/21/2014
  • Case Details

JP Morgan joined the likes of UBS, Citigroup, and Royal Bank of Scotland in being fined for currency manipulation and collusion-like efforts on the part of the financial institutions. Investigations revealed instant messages between traders of the institutions showing plans to buy and sell currencies after market close in order to manipulate foreign exchanges in their favor. JP Morgan was fined $996 million by U.S. and U.K. regulators along with an additional $350 million dollar fine from the Office of the Comptroller of the Currency (OCC).

* * *

Price tab: over $30 billion in fines and counting. But don't worry about Jamie: "he can afford it."

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Tinky's picture

Hah! Couldn't even come up with 15 reasons, couldya?

Manthong's picture

This is why he is schmuckier than you.

After the big reset, when the time for scapegoating comes, he will have a lot of time  to be to be nuts to butts with billionaire Madoff.

Arrogant POS.

MonetaryApostate's picture

In whose best interest is it to allow elected or hired people to rob the people & who do you think those fines go to?

Obviously some people aren't following the money....

BoredRoom's picture
BoredRoom (not verified) MonetaryApostate Jun 11, 2015 10:26 AM

1) Crypto-Chosenite....he's not jewish but his three kids are!

AldousHuxley's picture

Sandy Weil CEO at American Express hired Jamie Dimon as his assistant where Dimon's father was Executive VP. 


In 2009 Jamie Dimon hired his 78 year old father into JP Morgan.


Dimon family was actually Papademetrious, Greek Banking family.....

KnuckleDragger-X's picture

Want to end bank corruption? Require a minimum 10 year sentence in a super max prison for anybody whose title starts with a "C". Let Jamie meet his new best friend and cell mate Bubba.......

eatthebanksters's picture

Who couldn't make money as a crook if they knew they were untouchable from the law.

AldousHuxley's picture

CXOs at favored financial firms don't have to make money for shareholders. They get 8 figure bonuses anyway.

Oh regional Indian's picture

dImon IS dEmon...make no mistake.

Kash Karry was no mistake either....

Ben BurnBank.....e?

It's a name game, a word game, a language game. Of course this man knows the global banking system.

He has sucked it's holy knob...

But there is coming a flood of liquidity, but only it will be all of the wrong kinds in all the wrong places.


music...much better...



Fun Facts's picture

Dimon is a gangster.

Also a megalomaniac.

and a pathological liar.

a symbol of the absolute corruption and wanton thievery which has enveloped America and turned it into a serfdom.

Dubaibanker's picture

Only 14 fines....

Thank God!

I was going crazy thinking that the whole world is managed by JP Morgan!

So happy to hear that it's only '14' scandals impacting millions of clients, billions of pensioners, poor retirees, homeowners, credit card holders, institutional investors and investors from 200 countries globally.....

Jamie must be wondering how to rob the homeless and EBT card holders now...I am sure there is a way! And I am double sure he will find a way soon, with Obama and Buffett on his side!

Kill the homeless and sell their kidneys? That should work for Jamie....he will tell US Congress that kidneys would have gone to waste anyways.

Let's do it......New and fresh JP Morgan slogan: Bring one homeless and get a free iPhone!

T&C applicable.

In fine print:

Must be breathing....

Abbie Normal's picture

Well, they're already robbing the minimum wagers by issuing debit cards in place of paychecks.  Each cash withdrawal from the debit card comes with its own fee, and if the debit card isn't used within a set time period, it starts to lose value.

ImGumbydmmt's picture

Nothing a lead injection cant cure.

Anasteus's picture

Well, it's a pleasure to commit crimes being a member of the chosen tribe having access to abundance of digital liquidity for settlements. And certainly a reason for high bonuses.

Hope this will not last long.

Hippocratic Oaf's picture

I've stated on here a long time ago tat I had a friend that works for the squid (JPM).

I'm going to pint and show this as a reminder to him hat he shouldn't be too proud of his company's accoplishments.

Stoploss's picture


It is why he is richer than us...

There, 15 reasons.

Calculus99's picture

Always love ZH for highlighting his cufflinks.

The links tell us all we need to know really.  

NoDebt's picture

He bought them at the White House gift shop.  His Illuminati cufflinks he had to actually work for.


willpoi's picture

Why not trust this Bank? Look at all of the glowing awards!

JustObserving's picture

The most important reason he understands the banking system - he is firing 5000 workers so he can make his second billion.

1 billion is never enough

Theta_Burn's picture

I'm glad that the Jamster's throat cancer turned out to be just a deferment of complicity..

Like Hilly's concussion..

Do you all feel represented and greatful now?

PrayingMantis's picture



... Jamie Demon ... there, it's fixed ... the cufflinks give it away ...

pndr4495's picture

Hubris has destroyed finer men than Dimon will ever be. 

Philo Beddoe's picture

I was busted smoking weed with my buddies in high school. My mom freaked out and grounded me for a couple of weeks. I remember I was also banned from seeing one friend that she felt was the instigator.  

Jamie Dimon will never face time in the clink he looks like a very responsible man. I can almost hear my mom pulling cookies out of the oven. 


cn13's picture

Dimon, the financial terrorist, is far more dangerous to the United States than Osama Bin Laden could have ever been in his wildest dreams.

Dimon is above the law, in control of the politicians, and using his power and corruption to enrich himself and his fellow banksters.

Sad days for Amerika.



Oknowwhat's picture
Oknowwhat (not verified) cn13 Jun 11, 2015 5:53 PM


Bay of Pigs's picture

Like most ZHers, I'm completely familiar with all the details in each of those cases of pervasive and widespread fraud and corruption. Fact is, most Americans (and Canadians for that matter) are so deluded, ignorant and brainwashed they couldn't tell you any details on any of those crimes. It means nothing to them.

Sad indeed.


bubbleburster's picture

Exactly.  I agree 100%.  Not to belittle the dangers of extremist Muslim (bowel) movements, but the boys of Wall Street have done more observable harm to the averge American yokel than a battle ship full of Osama-wannabees.  However, if history be our guide, the public will eventually tear the system down, even if it means a confrontation with cops on horses and then the militia.  Never has been a time when the public could be fucked with past a "red line".  Whatever this might be.  A shift of consciousness is all it takes and then the spark ignites.  Only a matter of time.  

farflungstar's picture

"So hit me with a fine. We can afford it."

What if the fine is a flaming brick painted with hot tar and dog shit?

NoDebt's picture

Then you have one heluva Pay Per View event.

HopefulCynical's picture

"Shut up and take my money!"

Joe_in_Indiana's picture

Only need one reason. He has a "Get out of Jail Free Forever" card.

Philo Beddoe's picture

Forever on Earth is about 100 years.  Keeping that thought in my melon keeps me honest. 

gamera9's picture

Bullshit, Warren is just as complicit, This is all political theatre so Huffington Post can have feel good story for it's blind mice.

spooz's picture

Must be nice to have such a simplistic bullshit meter.  No need to think about words or ideas, only look at who delivers them.  So much easier to manipulate useful idiots such as yourself.

Pantasilea's picture

JPM stock unaffected by any if this.  The fines weren't big enough to make a dent in the monster?

kchrisc's picture

Can he afford the guillotine?

Liberty is a demand. Tyranny is submission.

Jethro's picture

The Mussolini treatment might be better for him. Hang him from his ankles and treat him like a pinata.

HopefulCynical's picture

Using flaming bricks, fired from cannons, painted with hot tar and dog shit? (See farflungstar | 6186232 Above)

yellowsub's picture

Doesn't Warren have $1 million in stawk holdings? 

Fed-up with being Sick and Tired's picture

Was she also talking up Student Loans and then it was revealed her Teaching Salary was huge?  They are all hypocrites, right?

jmcadg's picture

#15 Physical silver manipulation  

  • JP Morgan to be fined the complete FIat ponzi scheme in it's entirety
  • Settled on XX/XX/20XX 
Madcow's picture

So long as Gov-Co can continue buying financial assets with tax receipts from the future, everything is going to be okay - 


T-Bond's picture

He would sell you his mother, but you would never get her.

KJWqonfo7's picture

Reading this made me want to throw up.

Fine me....  

If there was ever a man that should be the girlfriend of the guy with the most cigarettes it's this prick!!!

ImGumbydmmt's picture


If there was ever a man that should be the girlfriend of the guy with the most cigarettes it's this GAPING ASSHOLE!!!

(there! fixed if for you, still that was effing hilarious! oatmeal out my nose laugh when i read that!)


Jamie is the perfect boy toy name for prison Beeotch.

We do need a means to explain to the rioting urban minorities that the full vent of their anger should be directed at those in the places of financial power.