Wall Street's Next Bonanza: Subprime Marriage-Backed Securities

Tyler Durden's picture

Submitted by Daniel Drew via Dark-Bid.com,


The last crash was caused by reckless investments in subprime mortgage-backed securities, an ingenious way to repackage and redistribute staggering amounts of credit risk to unsuspecting investors. After losing their house and their money, some investors may take comfort in their enduring marital relationships. Unfortunately, marriage is one of the riskiest bets of all, which makes it a prime, or should I say "subprime" target for Wall Street's masters of innovation.

After watching oil titan Harold Hamm pay his ex-wife $1 billion, I couldn't help but wonder where he went wrong in the relationship department. Then again, he's not exactly a shining example of risk management; he lost $10 billion in the oil price collapse, or the equivalent of 10 ex-wives. Most Americans can't afford to pay their spouse $1 billion or even $15,000, which is the average cost of a contested divorce. Where there's risk, Wall Street is not far away.

One of the remarkable features of modern society is the seemingly endless amount of ways to repackage risk and distribute it to those who have a demand for it. The wacky world of the insurance industry seems to know no bounds. From vanilla products like car insurance to the ultra-weird like Troy Polamalu's $1 million hair insurance, you never really know what you're going to see next. While there are certainly notable individual examples of insurance oddities, nothing has the potential to create widespread effects like marriage insurance.

Provided by Safeguard Guaranty, marriage insurance is sold in units for $15.99 per month, which covers $1,250 in potential divorce costs. That's $192 per year for one "unit," which gives the insurance company a break-even point of 6.5 years, not including overhead. They even have a divorce probability calculator that is based on over 20,000 interviews. Supposedly, it has an accuracy rate of 87%. They don't elaborate on their formula, but you can get an idea of their inputs by answering some of the questions.

If marriage insurance sales take off, it's only a matter of time before Wall Street repackages it and sells it to investors via subprime marriage-backed securities. A boom in marriage speculation would ensue. Did you see your neighbor with his mistress last night? Buy some MBS credit default swaps on him and tell his wife what you saw. Is your other neighbor away from home a lot? Buy some MBS insurance on his wife, seduce her, and when they get divorced, you can cash in. Consider it "inside her" trading. Does it sound preposterous? It's not any crazier than buying credit default swaps on poor people's mortgages and making $15 billion when they become homeless. Remember, everything is fair in the "free market."

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Spitzer's picture

Virgin insurance for the daughter

Skateboarder's picture

Till debt do you part...

SofaPapa's picture

It's getting rarer and rarer that I look for "The Onion" tag, but I thought I had a sure thing here.

Nope, this is for real.  Another twisted version of life served to us by the FIRE sector.

I want "satisfaction insurance".  If I'm not satisfied with my toaster after two months, I get paid out, right?

kaiserhoff's picture

Rent for the weekend.

Until I got divorced, I never realized there was such a thing as "free time."

Normalcy Bias's picture

Jim Gaffigan shreds weddings...

"Whenever I see someone crying at a wedding, I always say 'don't worry, it probably won't work out.'"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oo_UooohmQM

knukles's picture

So if one of 'em dies or they get divorced there are pre-payments .....
Or is it like an IO (Interest Only)?
The Muppets are curious

boogerbently's picture

Hollywood may actually become productive.

Short ALL Hollywood marriages.

Shad_ow's picture

Why not tip your neighbor off to you uscoming split and split the cash?  We can all get rich.  Wall Street does it.

weburke's picture

thank you Daniel for your blown out thinking.   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qCiuI_g9vdg

 

nmewn's picture

Love is priceless. Divorce is about $150,000 ;-)

Jumbotron's picture

The break even point on a gay marriage would be half that 6.5 years.

Umh's picture

Except for the women.

yrad's picture

I'm all in!

 

Atomizer's picture

Obama and Michelle can finally get married. 

rejected's picture

Cute picture but in PC Amerika the leash holder is the wrong sex.

espirit's picture

Just wait until Hitlery gets in.

Bossman1967's picture

Hell ya my insurance career just took a turn in thr right direction since obumercard screwed it up

New_Meat's picture

SCOTUS is full-in on this approach.  By extending the "definition" of "marriage" to all and sundry, they increase the number of "contributors" to the risk pool.

BRILLIANT!!!

nmewn's picture

Ghey dude number one: "Honey, I'm taking the drapes."

Ghey dude number two: "Like hell you are cocksucker!"

Jumbotron's picture

The appropriate curse would be "Like hell you are CUNTsucker !"

I am Jobe's picture

This can be a good investment considering Americna women are used good anyway and the guys are left holding the bags. She moves on to the next guy and the cycle continues. Ah the love the so called I love you. Not really just a scam. Might as well bet that the marriage won't last 

davidalan1's picture

The Pic would be more PC and relevant with two men..

New_Meat's picture

Here in the Commonwealth, we compel objectors to have plastic (of the highest quality, mind) figurines of:

  • man + man
  • woman + woman
  • man + penguin
  • woman + computer

you get the idea, it is an "evolving paradigm"

- Ned

davidalan1's picture

man plus penguin made me lol

SofaPapa's picture

Or at the very least:

"Man" who used to be a woman + "Woman" who used to be a man.

Let's not offend anyone!

davidalan1's picture

Kaitlyn that you?   

 

on another note, is it just me or do things seem to be picking up speed?  A Rainbow colored white house?

Get the fuck outta here,

Billy the Poet's picture

I didn't know what a fag was until fifth grade. Today they're doing all they can to make sure that every five year old in the country will be asking, "Mommy, what's gay mean?"

Lordflin's picture

I thought I undestood what a fag was until I married an English woman... I don't think I understand any of it anymore.

401K of Dooom's picture

Aaah, I now remember, the "evolving Paradigm of marriage" as promulgated by Chief justice of the Massachusetts supreme court.  Brings back unhappy memories of paying taxes to that horrible state.  I'm sorry to see that you are living there.  I hope  you can move out and get into a better place.  Take care.

Ward cleaver's picture

Don't agree, would be better with black woman as the bride. Michael would have an orgasm and hang it in Oval Office.

Bill of Rights's picture

And yet it still produces nothing anyone needs. So this is it huh? This is where human innovation stops?

Marriage securities lol next comes the tattooed bar codes on evey forehead.

Skateboarder's picture

A couple of weeks ago I was talking to my small business owner boss about insurance - was joking that I'll become an after-life insurance salesmen. He asked me to guess how many insurance policies he has in total. I guessed around 10. Turns out it's closer to 20. Holy shit dude!

Blano's picture

You might want to find out of those are all on his employees, knowwhatimsayin'?

flyingcaveman's picture

Might be better of putting that $15.99/ mo towards an airstream camper or a van down by the river.

Joe A's picture

This can be expanded to other events in people's lives as well. The possibilities are endless!

Make_Mine_A_Double's picture

15.99/month covers a 1250 payout.

That's funny. I don't think my guy would have gotten up from his desk for less than 2K.

All told about 70K to put that one away. LOLz @ 1250 - not even a retainer.

Id fight Gandhi's picture

Theres a lot of piss poor lawyers stuck with law school debt. They'll work cheap and take coupons.

kareninca's picture

I was thinking that.  If a typical contested divorce costs 15k (per the article), then to really cover it you should be paying about $160/month in premiums.  For a divorce at your level (70k in legal fees) it would be about $700/mo. in premiums (good grief is that right?  I think so).

chunga's picture

Oh gosh, if anything marriage certificates should expire.

wendigo's picture
wendigo (not verified) chunga Jul 5, 2015 3:49 PM

I've often wondered why defined term marriages aren't more common. 

New_Meat's picture

wendigo: ya gotta' look outside of your obviously prejudiced and parochial neighborhood.  Look to the middle east, where the dominant culture offers so-called "test drives" of varying durations or to the far east.

You, Sir, are so narrow-minded, why, it is almost hate speach </sarc, if you hadn't freakin' figured that  out>

- Ned

The Delicate Genius's picture
The Delicate Genius (not verified) wendigo Jul 5, 2015 4:06 PM

supposedly, some of the Celtic tribes had year long marriages... both parties had to agree to renew.

Not a bad idea, really.

year-to-year "Let's See How It Goes" marriage.

Ward cleaver's picture

Chunga, should you really have that flag up there? I mean they took Dukes of Hazard off the air but there were still 9 shootings in Philly last nite. Guess it wasn't the flag that was the problem.

noless's picture

this is the only logical conclusion.

Atomizer's picture
Funny Parody of the Typical Anti-Gay Marriage Ads - How Gay Marriage Will Destroy Straight Marriages http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Wjk5IyjfHkE