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Jade Helm Begins: The Complete "Texas Takeover" Guide

Tyler Durden's picture




 

Although you might have missed it, the federal government re-annexed Texas on Wednesday. 

Jade Helm 15, a controversial set of military training exercises being conducted by the US Spec Ops Command in Texas, Utah, Nevada, California, Colorado, Arizona, and New Mexico kicked off this week and will last until September 15. The lead up to the drills has been a veritable media circus, thanks largely to an official US Army slide deck which contained the following rather unfortunate map in which Texas, Utah, and San Diego (which everyone knows is a traditional hotbed for Islamic insurgencies) were designated as "hostile" territories. 

While it seemed clear to many observers that the use of the term “hostile” probably did not imply that the US military had abruptly decided to lump Texas in the same category as North Korea, Russia, Iran, and Syria, that message was lost in translation to many Texans and before long, rumors began to circulate in the Lone Star state that Washington was planning to institute martial law. 

Efforts to diffuse the tension hit a snag when Texas governor Greg Abbott took the unusual (and, according to one Republican lawmaker, "idiotic") step of calling upon the Texas state guard to monitor the exercises. Peak absurdity came just days later when "Texas Ranger" Chuck Norris effectively pledged to defend the state against a federal invasion and sent a thinly-veiled threat to the Spec Ops command, saying the drills came "too near to [his] ranch’s backdoor."

Finally (because the whole fiasco definitely needed to be sensationalized further), The Washington Post declared that the media would be given limited access (at best) to Jade Helm 15, which doesn’t seem all that surprising on its face, but which the Post noted marked a change of policy compared to another, ostensibly similar training exercise conducted on the "battlefields" of North Carolina in 2013. 

So here we are, one day into the Texas invasion and the Twitter response has been nothing short of epic. Here are some highlights: 

There was even a Hieronymus Bosch reference for all the art history lovers out there:

Here's a map which shows the specific areas now under "federal control":

 

And here's an annotated version of the map shown above:

Of course not everyone is laughing. Here's The New York Times with some on-the-ground intelligence from vigilant (and concerned) Texans: 

“I’ve been looking,” said Dr. Jack Campbell, 61, who was picking up his mail at the post office.

 

Scott Degenaer, outside his home in Christoval, Tex. Mr. Degenaer said he understood the paranoia over Jade Helm 15 that led some residents to bury their firearms. 


Dr. Campbell said that he had concerns about the exercise, and that he purchased extra ammunition for the weapons he kept in his home. "Just in case," added Dr. Campbell, an emergency physician in San Angelo, Tex., 20 miles away. "People are just vigilant. Not vigilantes, but vigilant. They don’t want to be caught off guard."

 

Another resident said a friend of his, a Vietnam veteran, started burying some of his firearms to hide them. Members of the Christoval Volunteer Fire Department, which owns the community center, signed an agreement with military officials stating — oddly to some, suspiciously to others — that the Army would pay for any damage to the building after it used it.

 

Sindy Miller, who runs a hair salon on Main Street, said fear of a military takeover had been the talk of Christoval.

 

“They’re worried that they’re going to come in and take their firearms away," Ms. Miller said. "Martial law, basically. I try not to listen to all these conspiracy-theory-type people. All they’re worried about is their beer and their guns."

 

Residents and local officials — even those who are supportive of Jade Helm — said Army organizers exacerbated the paranoia by releasing few details about the operation and by putting realistic war game activities in civilian areas, no matter how remote. Army coordinators said in statements that they had kept the state and local authorities updated and informed. Governor Abbott will receive regular updates from the Texas State Guard as the exercise proceeds, but a spokesman for him said he had no concerns about it. “The Special Operations Command has assured Texas that this exercise poses no risk to anyone, and the governor sees no reason to worry or doubt them,” said the spokesman, John Wittman.

 

Mr. Degenaer, a Navy veteran, said that he saw a Black Hawk helicopter flying over Christoval on Sunday and that he understood why some people would bury firearms.

 

"With Obama being in there,” he said, “with the way he’s already stomped all over the Constitution, pushing his presidential authority to the max, it would only be just the stroke of a pen for him to do away with that. This man is just total anti-U. S."

 

Throughout the interview, Mr. Degenaer was skeptical whether the reporter and photographer who spoke with him were members of the news media and wondered if they were part of Jade Helm 15. "Spec Ops grows beards," he said, referring to the photographer’s facial hair. "Y’all got a military ID?"

More from Texas:

And finally, a video recap courtesy of RT:

With that, you are now fully apprised of the situation in Texas. We'll certainly monitor the ongoing drills closely, but for now, we'll close with our comments from last week. 

Whatever you choose to believe about the Jade Helm, it’s clear that the military is intent on keeping prying eyes away from the exercises. So although a "Texas takeover" and/or martial law are probably not in the cards here, the government's response to concerned (if misinformed) citizens leaves much to be desired and we’ll leave it to readers to decide what that says about government accountability and transparency. 

And to the US Spec Ops Command we say this: just because you’ve kept the media out, doesn’t mean no one is watching…

 

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Thu, 07/16/2015 - 11:50 | 6319611 ebworthen
ebworthen's picture

"Posse Comitatus" violation and in violation of the Constitution, but what else is new with the people who have forgottten their primary oath?

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 13:02 | 6319923 ali-ali-al-qomfri
ali-ali-al-qomfri's picture

Not to be confused with the rare dialect in Latin - 'Pussi Comeandtasteus'

Which is always good for a laugh back at the Roman Legion Armory.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 13:14 | 6319974 HungryPorkChop
HungryPorkChop's picture

"Posse Comitatus" was enacted due to the autrosities armies did during the Civil War.  It was specifically setup to keep armies from policing and enforcing draconian laws on the civilian population. 

"Glass Steagall Act" was enacted after the 1929 Stock Market Crash to keep the banks, robber barrons and gamblers under under control.

Don't worry I'm sure this will all turn out o.k.  <sarc>

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 12:04 | 6319686 Lea
Lea's picture

"Here in Texas, I have personally rolled down my window and given the finger to three armored convoys and flipped the bird on four Apache attack helicopters via my sunroof so far this week."

Impressive.

(Yawn)

 

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 16:23 | 6320385 Eisenhorn
Eisenhorn's picture

As someone born and raised in Texas, I think it is difficult for outsiders to understand the mindset here. Texans, in general, maintain a fierce independent streak in their general philosophy regarding government. The Republic of Texas is a past that many are proud of, regardless of its challenges and failures.

Washington is viewed with a healthy dose of disdain and skepticism. Fighting hostile governments on our soil is a more recent affair than other states, and those lessons are taught in Texas history to our children.

Now there are obviously plenty of loons out there regarding Jade Helm being a government takeover. Jade Helm is an exercise, nothing more. The force levels are incredibly small for it to even be remotely looked at as some hostile takeover. It's not, and it is ludicrous to think so.

As an Army veteran though, I can say this exercise is completely abnormal in its scope and reach. The military performs localized training quite often. It's NOT uncommon for troops to train off-base in neighboring communities. For large scale training though the military has many sites, most notably the National Training Center, that can handle training on a large scale.

For an exercise to encompass an entire region of the country and take place predominantly on public land is not normal.

For this reason, and due to the release of the maps showing Hostile versus Friendly territory, it is easy to see why the response is so fragmented across the country. It doesn't help that the battle plan CLEARLY delineates hostile and friendly territory across Republican/Democrat political lines.

Something is happening behind the scenes to precipitate this exercise on this scale, and it's probably not good news. But the exercise itself is NOT some hostile invasion.

I will say that the obvious conclusion here based on the small number of operators is that this is largely an Intel training op and they are working on validating and testing new or existing Intel systems for identifying and assessing insurgent threats. If I had to guess, I would say this is what is happening.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 15:03 | 6320374 PermaBug
PermaBug's picture

Yes because the average American soldier on a training exercise is such a threat to you.

Truth is, they most likely have risked their lives believing they did so to protect you, and almost certainly they have the same conspiracy theorist/paranoid mindset that you do, and they undoubtedly have stashes of arms and spam in their prepper compound, just like you do.

Hilarious to see what assholes some people can be and be so stupid as to brag about it.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 23:16 | 6322209 willwork4food
willwork4food's picture

Yes because the average American soldier on a training exercise is such a threat to you.

 

They will do what they are told to do. Very few will risk the economic or military punishments for denying an order. They have families back home to feed that depend on them, most of their friends are military. I say this from experience: US Army veteran.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 23:14 | 6322165 willwork4food
willwork4food's picture

@HH

Bad bad boy. They have documented proof you are not "with them". There goes those fab diners. \

lol

Fri, 07/17/2015 - 00:12 | 6322345 Chuck Walla
Chuck Walla's picture

Careful, they got a LOGO. That means it's serious.

FORWARD SOVIET!

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 12:18 | 6319761 Grinder74
Grinder74's picture

Are they picking up any energon readings?  That pic of the large truck definitely looks like one of those Decepticons that combines into a mega-Decepticon!!!

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 12:25 | 6319795 robertsgt40
robertsgt40's picture

Tyler, again you've overstretched your knowledge outside your field of finance. I'm in the middle of Texas and a Vietnam vet. I know what the military does best. And it's nature is not peaceful. Learn true history before you overload your ass with your mouth.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 15:32 | 6320531 Perimetr
Perimetr's picture

First stop

 

Texas Bullion Depository

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 15:52 | 6320627 post turtle saver
post turtle saver's picture

lol that's some funny stuff Tylers... thanks, I needed that, laughter is good for the soul...

I'm glad Texas was chosen as a hostile, heaven knows we're going out of our way to live up to the role... yee haw, bitchez

 

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 23:29 | 6322247 post turtle saver
post turtle saver's picture

one other comment, most all y'all appear to be stark raving nuts about this Jade Helm stuff... there's some pretty screwball commentary in this thread, for certain...

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 11:35 | 6319559 Chupacabra1977
Chupacabra1977's picture

Jade Helm = Zio Training Guidelines for the coming IDF invasion.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 11:51 | 6319617 silver_stacker
silver_stacker's picture
I don't know why ZH is trivializing the Jade Helm 15 exercises like the mainstream media. There is plenty cause for concern with whats being going on in the Obama administration with the all of the lies, the gutting of the constitution, the build up of the police/military state, etc. There has been a lot of factual information written about this and tons of information and coverage of Jade Helm 15 on youtube, although you have the usual conspiracy bullshit. Just consider the source.

 

The youtube link below is a software engineer’s analysis of what is really behind the Jade Helm 15 military exercises that begin in the U.S. in a few days with the main target being Texas. Although I was aware of most of this information from other sources, I was not aware that the whole system was being run by very sophisticated artificial intelligence. All of the information that the government has been collecting on us has been fed into this system and it is being used to track down and eliminate insurgents. This is pretty scary stuff like from a sci-fi movie...but it’s real!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K4310XOz4tc


 

 

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 12:01 | 6319661 Abitdodgie
Abitdodgie's picture

Silver stacker they are testing about 1000 autonomous AI units and they want to see if anyone spots them.Also all that they learn will be fed back to the jade AI for learnig .

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 13:37 | 6320058 Lanka
Lanka's picture

Correct.  They will be calibrating the AI software to the field condtions, including human responses. 

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 12:03 | 6319668 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

I'd say it's part of the Wall St. vs. Main St. narrative. In this case, Tyler's looking to maintain some "Wall Street. cred."

For me, I recognize that both positions serve the divide and conquer narrative quite well.

Besides, there's still lots and lots and lots of banks left to capture before full martial law is implemented.

Just ask any Greek.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 13:03 | 6319928 chunga
chunga's picture

MSM pundits will mock anybody concerned about Jade Helm as crazy prepper outcasts. They'll also say they're bitter for riding PM's all the way down instead of B'ing TFD like "normal" patriotic 'Merkans. blah fuck fuck shit fuck FUCK

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 13:24 | 6320012 fascismlover
fascismlover's picture

If by riding PMs all the way down, you mean buying more and more the cheaper it gets, I am all on board.  I might spend 1200 now and I will not be at all upset if it hits 400 a year from now, can get three times more then. It's the unfortunate cost of being right in the end.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 12:03 | 6319669 Paveway IV
Paveway IV's picture

JADE II is ancient and hasn't been used in years. It's an old military logistics tool, not an AI wonder of the computing world.

As a matter of fact, JADE II sucked when it was brand new. It was the SUCK-enhanced version of JADE, which wasn't ever finished, if I recall. The entire program was designed to move tax dollars from my pocket to some general's brother-in-law's crappy software consulting outfit. It is most certainly not the intellegince fusion crap they're using for JADE HELM. That's a different brother-in-law's outift.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 12:10 | 6319717 Quus Ant
Quus Ant's picture

Because Jade Helm is so obviously intended to make YOU react and do something stupid. 

They aren't goint to declare Marshall Law, they're going to push your buttons until you lose your shit then they'll perp walk you- not to a death camp Walmart- but to a jail cell.  Playing one segment of society- the straights- against the crazy, gun toting hot headed anti govt. preppers.  And it only works if you lose your cool.

Keep cooooool boyo.

Boy, boy, crazy boy,
Get cool, boy!
Got a rocket in your pocket,
Keep coolly cool, boy!
Don't get hot,
'Cause man, you got
Some high times ahead.
Take it slow and Daddy-O,
You can live it up and die in bed!

Boy, boy, crazy boy!
Stay loose, boy!
Breeze it, buzz it, easy does it.
Turn off the juice, boy!
Go man, go,
But not like a yo-yo schoolboy.
Just play it cool, boy,
Real cool!

 

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 12:47 | 6319737 CPL
CPL's picture

They are kicking the tires on an AI program they've been developing for years known as 'Jade II' (aka Jade Helm) that is being field tested.  Jade Helm relay's the information to field units during the exercise from data collected by Skynet in Los Angeles (it's the big blacked out piece of the map in the middle of Los Angeles on google maps).  Sky-net coordinates everything while watching from orbit and in theory 1200 guys can take over X states in a matter of days.  It's actually quite clever for being duct taped together. 

The Canadian equivalent is called "Maple Resolve" (sounds like a cleaning product).

This btw is how all the biological people are replaced in the Armed forces to refocus on capital costs instead of salaries and contracts, plus avoid paying pensions.  Bars and Stars and grunts, Top to bottom in all Military classes.  Might want to go find a new job soon just like factory workers were replaced, this is the beta test for your replacements.  Thank you for your assistance in the matter, you will all join the others in the camps afterwards with the political groups after the tests are concluded.  They sold you all for very little btw.  All it took was bits of paper and lies.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 12:51 | 6319892 BarkingCat
BarkingCat's picture

Sophisticated artificial intelligence???
And run by the government????

LOL, now that there is some funny shit.
Federal government's modern computer systems are running Microsoft bloatware. ... Enough said

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 13:32 | 6320036 mbutler101
mbutler101's picture

I have a healthy paranoia like anyone, but they're not going to announce martial law ahead of time. To me this is a distraction. I wonder what the left hand is doing...

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 16:46 | 6320907 joe90
joe90's picture

If this is the case it will be as much about testing software as anything; interfaces to social media, and maybe some actors out there "pretending" to be resistance".  Can the software identify the ringleaders. identify locations spaces and assets where the resistance would locate themselves.  Also questions such as "what does the public notice" and "what can we do without raising any suspicion" by doing something and then monitoring the effects in social media.

This exercise is unique, most are about dealing with a belligerent STATE this is about dealing with a belligerent POPULATION.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 11:56 | 6319640 Abitdodgie
Abitdodgie's picture

The IDF will never invade Amerika they only know how to kill unarmed children and women

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 11:36 | 6319561 HandyCrapper
HandyCrapper's picture

Godzilla will save us.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 11:36 | 6319562 Philo Beddoe
Philo Beddoe's picture

Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 12:29 | 6319820 Agent P
Agent P's picture

I don't see that one on the map. 

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 13:02 | 6319922 hedgeless_horseman
hedgeless_horseman's picture

 

 

Our brilliant Commander-In-Chief can show us.  He has been to all 57 states.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 13:17 | 6319985 large_wooden_badger
large_wooden_badger's picture

I thought it was that he tried all 57 varieties?

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 14:11 | 6320188 Cruel Aid
Cruel Aid's picture

that was a slip as there are 57 muslim states, it was fruedian

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 11:37 | 6319567 lawyer4anarchists
lawyer4anarchists's picture

I have no idea why people even worry about some "federal takeover'.  THAT happened in 1865 my friend.  The supreme court has ruled a state cannot leave, period.  The people who run around quoting Jefferson and self determination just simply do not know, because they were taught lies in government schools, the reality.  http://www.thetruthaboutthelaw.com/they-tell-big-lies-about-our-supposed...

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 11:48 | 6319606 KnuckleDragger-X
KnuckleDragger-X's picture

This is all just silliness. In the event of a real uprising the government will be far too busy in all those bastions of progressive thought to bother with places like Texas and Utah. Some dickhead in the Pentagon came up with this piece of brilliance, undoubtedly on orders from one of President Zippy's butt boys......

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 12:02 | 6319675 p00k1e
p00k1e's picture

I started a Twitter campaign to sandblast Jefferson off Mount Rushmore.   

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 12:15 | 6319742 rejected
rejected's picture

The takeover started with ditching the Articles and ratifying the constitution.

Southerners being a little quicker than their Northern brethren tried an escape.

They were absolutely annihilated,,, complete destruction by an army funded and supplied by the banksters.

Amazing the difference a few years of occupation can make. Southerners willing to die for Dixie then while today burning it's flag.

Freedom ain't free.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 13:00 | 6319921 ParkAveFlasher
ParkAveFlasher's picture

First: I up-arrowed you for revolutionary spirit. 

Second: Secessionists were three generations behind the Whiskey Rebellion, formally launched in Western PA.  The South lost a diplomatic / economic war, because...

Third: North-Eastern bankers are a nationless tribe installed to keep America in alignment with Anglican wishes. 

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 13:16 | 6319979 large_wooden_badger
large_wooden_badger's picture

"The War of National Hegemony" aka, the US Civil War. Northern industrialists also "winning" a captive market for their sub-par manufactured goods, especially since manual slave labor was outlawed. Ever notice how the industrial revolution took off in the US after the civil war? Northern factories churning out more and more mechanized agricultural tools? A captive reconstructive market, I'd say. Quite the coincidence.

+1 for mentioning the Whiskey Rebellion. It was Hamilton that should have been on trial.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 14:35 | 6320273 RichardParker
RichardParker's picture

Lawyer4anarchists:

Pravda actually ran a decent piece about the other statist lawyer president from Illinois;

http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/03/25/was-lincoln-a-tyrant/?_r=0

 

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 11:38 | 6319571 pods
pods's picture

Any sign of Mothra?

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 11:50 | 6319584 Bunghole
Bunghole's picture

No, the twins were returned to Beiru Island and Mothra is resting in her cocoon.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 12:01 | 6319662 e_goldstein
e_goldstein's picture

Check Dallas. I'm gonna go downtown and try to persuade Godzilla to head for Austin. 

Hope he likes hippy meat.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 12:31 | 6319828 Realname
Realname's picture

Do you think Godzilla has a taste for patchouli, kale, and Birkenstocks?

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 14:15 | 6320202 Cruel Aid
Cruel Aid's picture

hipsters have overthrown the hippies there

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 16:10 | 6320728 Bunghole
Bunghole's picture

Yeah, Godzilla would gag on the male hipster beard and ultra large wayfarer glasses.

What a douchenozzle look.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 11:39 | 6319574 wendigo
wendigo's picture

+1 for F Troop! 

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 11:44 | 6319588 Consuelo
Consuelo's picture

A man after my own heart Wendigo...    Fckn-A Corporal Agarn...!!!   What happened to the Golden Age of Television anyway...?

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 14:04 | 6320164 farflungstar
farflungstar's picture

Hell yeah I was just a pup when they were airing those re-runs...also Hogan's Heroes, McHale's Navy, MASH...could shows like these even make it on to today's Talmud Vision without causing a shitstorm?

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 18:55 | 6321345 Tall Tom
Tall Tom's picture

Yeah,,,F Troop...What lessons did that teach???

 

Staged Native uprisings

Collaboration with "Hostile" forces

Effeminate men get the beautiful girl

Racial Stereotyping.

Corruption.

 

Yeah...Good programming for those who are here today.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 11:39 | 6319576 rosiescenario
rosiescenario's picture

I'd laugh at this entire nonsense, but then I am paying for it.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 11:39 | 6319578 Government need...
Government needs you to pay taxes's picture

Relax Texans, they are the Government, and they are here to help!

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 12:02 | 6319676 e_goldstein
e_goldstein's picture

Just like Reconstruction?

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 11:40 | 6319580 youngman
youngman's picture

Just dont touch the Alamo....that will set off alarms all over the state...

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 12:16 | 6319749 hedgeless_horseman
hedgeless_horseman's picture

 

 

Don't worry about the Alamo.  The Jade Helm SEAL Teams are too busy blending in over at the River Walk...

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 12:26 | 6319799 Agent P
Agent P's picture

Well, that's queer.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 12:40 | 6319852 hedgeless_horseman
hedgeless_horseman's picture

 

 

Go Navy!

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 14:14 | 6320198 Government need...
Government needs you to pay taxes's picture

They all must be 'in the navy'

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oRWud_6AK00

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 17:00 | 6320958 tenpanhandle
tenpanhandle's picture

Give me a Y-M-C-A

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 12:29 | 6319815 ZippyBananaPants
ZippyBananaPants's picture

What the fuck is that? and why did'nt anybody sink it while they had the chance?

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 12:41 | 6319837 Quus Ant
Quus Ant's picture

it's a flotilla of gold stackers. 

Yeah, they're a little passionate.

Gold Bitchez!

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 13:12 | 6319960 buzzardsluck
buzzardsluck's picture

No clue, but sinking it wouldn't help.  The river walk is a manmade shallow ditch offshoot of the san antonio river that exists to charge moron tourists 50% more for items than non river walk areas.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 13:39 | 6320069 TwelveOhOne
TwelveOhOne's picture

So that's what they did with all that left-over gold foil from the faked moon landings.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 23:18 | 6322226 Government need...
Government needs you to pay taxes's picture

Ferries sink.  Fairies dont.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 13:09 | 6319948 large_wooden_badger
large_wooden_badger's picture

There used to be a firearm behind every blade of grass in the US. Now, not so much. Just gay blades.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 14:17 | 6320209 Cruel Aid
Cruel Aid's picture

youngerman, are you aware of the unesco pushing to take over the alamo? un creep

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 11:40 | 6319582 indygo55
indygo55's picture

Cue the Chuck Norris jokes.

 

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 11:48 | 6319607 large_wooden_badger
large_wooden_badger's picture

Chuck Norris counted to infinity... twice.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 11:50 | 6319614 KCMLO
KCMLO's picture

When expressing incredulity, Jesus says "Oh my Chuck Norris!"

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 11:50 | 6319616 Occams_Chainsaw
Occams_Chainsaw's picture

Guns carry Chuck Norris for safety.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 12:27 | 6319807 Agent P
Agent P's picture

Chuck Norris didn't dial the wrong number, you answered the wrong phone! 

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 12:30 | 6319824 Overfed
Overfed's picture

The bogeyman checks under his bed for Chuck Norris.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 12:31 | 6319827 Overfed
Overfed's picture

Chuck Norris threw a grenade into a room and killed 15 people. Then the grenade exploded.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 13:04 | 6319930 iClaudius
iClaudius's picture

Chuck Norris met Vladimir Putin. They shock hands cordially.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 13:04 | 6319934 ParkAveFlasher
ParkAveFlasher's picture

The American flag pledges allegience to Chuck Norris. 

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 13:12 | 6319958 acetinker
acetinker's picture

Chuck Norris has a bear rug- It isn't dead, it's afraid to move.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 13:20 | 6319995 Shitters_Full
Shitters_Full's picture

Chuck Norris doesn't sleep...he waits.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 15:30 | 6320522 Eisenhorn
Eisenhorn's picture

Chuck Norris was once bitten by a Rattlesnake. After three days of excruciating pain and agony, the Rattlesnake finally died.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 18:59 | 6321362 The Delicate Genius
The Delicate Genius's picture

Chuck Norris *can* believe its not butter.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 11:44 | 6319589 obimk2
obimk2's picture

Just preparing US citizens for accepting militairy occupation as being a normal thing in a 'free' country.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 13:58 | 6320141 viahj
viahj's picture

its also a recon mission "Mapping the Human Domain"

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 11:44 | 6319590 Meat Hammer
Meat Hammer's picture

Self-fulfilling prophecy?

Don't bury your weapons! Load 'em!

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 12:08 | 6319704 Lea
Lea's picture

"Don't bury your weapons! Load 'em!"

What for, Meat Hammer? To shoot the shit, you only need a (big) mouth.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 13:12 | 6319955 Meat Hammer
Meat Hammer's picture

I wonder why people like yourself roam the halls of Zero Hedge if you think we're just a bunch of kooks.  Why do you spend your time here instead of just ignoring us?  Is the teevee broken?  Do you need a hobby?

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 11:44 | 6319592 Reaper
Reaper's picture

Someone in a military uniform is a patriotic defender of American values, rather than just an obedient sheeple? Obedience and trust are opiates of a sheeple.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 11:45 | 6319593 p00k1e
p00k1e's picture

Don’t worry, Texas Republicans will take on the world’s greatest military.  Just overlook the border leakage. 

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 12:24 | 6319790 stormsailor
stormsailor's picture

thats sort of like anal leakage?

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 11:45 | 6319594 RabbitOne
RabbitOne's picture

Molon labe

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 11:46 | 6319599 Bunghole
Bunghole's picture

That's what my 1911 says

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 11:46 | 6319597 localizer
localizer's picture

Troops are herding us into WalMart tunnels, forcibly vaccinating children and coercing us into same-sex marriages. Please help.

 

https://twitter.com/cashUT/status/621298967125463040

LMAO. The comment was spot on: remember, the average person in Texas doesn't understand parody or sarcasm.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 11:46 | 6319598 large_wooden_badger
large_wooden_badger's picture

Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 12:41 | 6319855 silentboom
silentboom's picture

One time Chuck Norris threw a hand grenade that killed 100 people, then it went off.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 11:47 | 6319601 Conax
Conax's picture

"All they’re worried about is their beer and their guns."

 She's right, but not necessarily in that order.

Ya gotta love Texas.  If it weren't for the damnable heat I would have moved there long ago.

 

People are right to be concerned when posse comitatus is utterly ignored and storm troopers are rolling around in tanks. 

"Who you callin a pussy communist?" ~ Local sheriff in the Jim Garner movie "Tank"

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 12:39 | 6319847 buzzardsluck
buzzardsluck's picture

 

"If it weren't for the damnable heat I would have moved there long ago"

Every Texan I know loves the heat for that exact reason. 

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 14:22 | 6320228 Cruel Aid
Cruel Aid's picture

air conditioning was invented in the usa for this even though we'd rather live in the lakes

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 15:41 | 6320576 Conax
Conax's picture

 I'm a nice guy, lotsa fun at parties!

Their loss, the big meanies.  hm.

;)

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 11:47 | 6319603 NRGTDR
NRGTDR's picture
No. 735: June Industrial Production, Producer Price Index (PPI)   (SGS Subscription required) • Last Time Industrial Production Activity Was This Weak, The U.S. Economy Was in Collapse • Second-Quarter Production Contracted at a 1.4% (-1.4%) Annualized Pace, First-Quarter Revised to 0.1% Annualized Gain (Effectively Unchanged) • Annual Production Growth at Recession Level • Production Series Subject to Massive Benchmark Revisions Next Week • Higher Gasoline Prices Dominated June PPI Headline Inflation of 0.36%
Thu, 07/16/2015 - 11:47 | 6319604 VWAndy
VWAndy's picture

Well Im still here. Any Texas ZHs gone mia?

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 16:03 | 6320690 Ms No
Ms No's picture

I'm still wondering what happened to that guy that bugged out during the Ebola scare.  Somebody should probably find him and let him know we're in the clear.  Of course then he would see the current news and just bug out again.

Fri, 07/17/2015 - 06:52 | 6322781 A82EBA
A82EBA's picture

All's quiet in Magnolia, TX

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 11:47 | 6319605 the grateful un...
the grateful unemployed's picture

time for a little Southern Comfort

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0083111/

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 11:51 | 6319620 starman
starman's picture

And the begining of the socialist naczi USA has begun.

Enjoy.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 12:04 | 6319687 rejected
rejected's picture

What is a naczi?

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 11:52 | 6319622 swass
swass's picture

<-- Obama Law
<-- Marshall Law 

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 11:59 | 6319654 the grateful un...
the grateful unemployed's picture

<-- Marshall Dillon Law

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 12:03 | 6319674 rejected
rejected's picture

Who is Marshall?

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 12:11 | 6319721 Utah_Get_Me_2
Utah_Get_Me_2's picture

He means 'Martial'..

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 14:06 | 6320170 stormsailor
stormsailor's picture

who is on first.    who is John Galt.  therefore john galt is on first.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 18:35 | 6321291 1Inthebeginning
1Inthebeginning's picture

Reflexive law

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 11:52 | 6319623 Goldbugger
Goldbugger's picture

BREAKING NEWS.  Acitve shooter @ Navy and Marine corp Reserve Ctr in Chattanoogga, TN.....

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 11:57 | 6319626 Laddie
Laddie's picture

.gov is getting ready, just study what happened to Tsar and his family and what happened to twenty million "White Russians" they were Christian, GOOD and DECENT people under the Bolsheviks. And the Bolshevik leadership, including Lenin, Leon Bronstein aka TROTSKY, were OVERWHELMINGLY of the Tribe. So the USSA is facing a history repeat.

Federal Bureau of Reclamation buying 52,000 rounds of ammo
Agency’s request for 52,000 rounds of ammo for Hoover Dam prompts inquiry

The department’s request is likely to stir debate over the stockpiling of weapons and ammunition by nonmilitary federal agencies. The BLM faced questions last year over its role in an armed standoff with militia members supporting Nevada rancher Cliven Bundy’s refusal to pay more than a million dollars in back taxes and grazing fees.

Two months later, Amodei was one of 17 GOP congressmen to sponsor a bill that would have prevented certain agencies, like the Bureau of Reclamation, from using or purchasing weapons. That bill failed to pass.

The Bureau of Reclamation is not the only federal agency to have amassed weapons and ammunition — or to have faced controversy. In 2013, the Department of Homeland Security put out a bid to purchase more than 1 billion rounds of ammunition for its more than 100,000 law enforcement officials. That same year, agents from the Environmental Protection Agency inspected the offices of a mining company in Alaska while wearing body armor and carrying M16 rifles and shotguns, leading to an investigation by House lawmakers.

The most recent order is not the first time the Bureau of Reclamation has purchased large quantities of ammunition. Its last requisition was in 2013, according to federal purchasing records. Since 2008, the agency made at least 19 requests for ammunition at offices nationwide.

Ted Kennedy is not responsible for the Immigration Act of 1965
What the Mainstream Media HIDE from you: http://newnation.org/
http://americanborderpatrol.com/
https://refugeeresettlementwatch.wordpress.com/

MCCAIN: Trump 'fired up the crazies'

Kansas City mayor brags: Our white population plummets

62 Languages Spoken in School District

CENSUS: 1.24 MILLION MORE LEGAL IMMIGRANTS TO ENTER USA IN 2015

GUTIERREZ: CONVERT GREEN CARDS INTO VOTES!

Florida tops nation in resettlement of refugees

IBM hiring brings Muslims to Vermont

Immigrant convicted of attempted murder released, now charged with stabbing woman to death

HUNGARY PUTS INMATES TO WORK ON ANTI-MIGRANT BORDER FENCE

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 11:54 | 6319634 Consuelo
Consuelo's picture

 

  An event is planned.    'Kooks' come out of the woodwork ('interviews' with said 'kooks' ensue almost immediately), replete with all manner of 'paranoia'.    'Level-headed' types from government, the media, 'Vox' and so forth, appear to marginalize the 'kooks'.   Effectively marginalized, the operation proceeds as planned - but with an added benefit: Now that the 'kooks' have been neutralized, not only does the operation roll out as planned, any 'side' operations that may have been held in queue, can now be implemented with unfettered access and latitude that may have not been afforded hence.      

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 11:57 | 6319636 Kilgore Trout
Kilgore Trout's picture
---Jade Hell-em Blues (from "Deep Elem Blues")---

The soldiers of Jade Hell-em got no malice in their hearts.
But if they get the order, they'll blow you all to parts.

O-Obama, Texas got them Jade Hell-em blues.
O-Obama, Texas got them Jade Hell-em blues.

I knew a news reporter, it happened as I feared.
Asked questions `bout Jade Hell-em and now she's disappeared.

Travelin' down to Texas, didn't wanna be alone.
I joined a wedding party, and got blasted by a drone.

I went down to Deep Elem, the special ops was there.
You won't believe the weapons they used to part my hair.

If you're travelin' down to Texas, get ready for some pain.
First you'll be arrested, then put on a FEMA train.

O-Obama, Texas got them Jade Hell-em blues.
O-Obama, Texas got them Jade Hell-em blues.
 
Thu, 07/16/2015 - 12:16 | 6319747 jose.six.pack
jose.six.pack's picture

+1 champion

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 11:55 | 6319637 astartes09
astartes09's picture

You're all soooo brave. /s

Give me a break.  Most of the TX gun nuts dont even know what war is like.  They are all TX pride until someone takes their welfare away or the bullets start firing.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 12:04 | 6319690 Consuelo
Consuelo's picture

Got any of that 'welfare' data handy...?

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 11:57 | 6319643 10mm
10mm's picture

A nothing burger.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 11:59 | 6319649 fromthinair
fromthinair's picture

Good job, zero hedge. Continue and maintain vigil. 

 

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 11:59 | 6319652 Panic Mode
Panic Mode's picture

You have Crimea, we have Texas. Check mate. 

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 12:00 | 6319658 Something Wonderful
Something Wonderful's picture

Legion of 1600 SAT nerds joined the safety of the imperial arcology like rats under the spell of Pied Piper. Their foul deeds infect media, technology, arts, finance, to bamboozle and commit class psychological warfare on the unknowing populance. They get their orders from spellcaster geniuses beyond their linear and literal-bound ken. To not understand the continued manipulation of the common knowledgesphere by the clown-God-demon dreammasters is to see this as simply what they say it is.

Can they walk through walls?

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 12:07 | 6319700 Cthonic
Cthonic's picture

 'Can they walk through walls?'
No, however they've mastered pilfering and enslaving in plain sight.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 12:00 | 6319659 semperfi
semperfi's picture

Is it coincidence that Texas & Utah passed bills regarding gold & silvers's constitutionality & use in payment of debts ?

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 12:01 | 6319664 Agent P
Agent P's picture

"...and San Diego (which everyone knows is a traditional hotbed for Islamic insurgencies) were designated as "hostile" territories."

What did you expect from the Whale's Vagina? 

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 12:04 | 6319685 Seasmoke
Seasmoke's picture

I have seen how Texas cops treat the citizens of Texas and no one fights back. I'm not impressed. Jade Helm could overrun Texas before lunch if they want to. 

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 13:13 | 6319966 ParkAveFlasher
ParkAveFlasher's picture

The question is not in taking, it is in holding.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 14:27 | 6320247 Cruel Aid
Cruel Aid's picture

only the ones who dont have a ccl, and they know, so that statement is not 100% given

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 12:04 | 6319689 Mike Honcho
Mike Honcho's picture

Those men/women/trans/gays swore an oath, these exercises should be practiced in Maryland.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 12:26 | 6319802 Baa baa
Baa baa's picture

Fire Island, only makes sense...

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 12:04 | 6319691 BGO
BGO's picture

What's this about an "anti-nazi" logo? The govt's still dry humping the 'caust?

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 12:15 | 6319743 Atticus Finch
Atticus Finch's picture

No, Nazis installed in Ukraine. Call Victoria Nuland and the gang to findout more.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 12:09 | 6319701 Chuck Knoblauch
Chuck Knoblauch's picture

I'm not laughing at the attempt at comedy.

UN may be laughing, but not for long.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 12:10 | 6319712 FreeShitter
FreeShitter's picture

Nothing will happen with jade helm....what will happen is all time highs soon.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 12:42 | 6319860 Chuck Knoblauch
Chuck Knoblauch's picture

Obozo, Russia, and China seem to be working together.

The Iran nuke deal makes Russia stronger.

Why would Obozo do that?

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 19:01 | 6321370 Tall Tom
Tall Tom's picture

It does?

 

What commodity does Russia export?

What commodity does Iran export?

 

Are those two nations dependent upon the same commodity for the sustanance of their respective economies?

 

What happens to the price of that commodity when physical supply is increased?

 

What affect does that have on the Russian economy?

 

Yeah...If I only had a brain...

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 22:10 | 6321950 acetinker
acetinker's picture

TT,

There is another commodity that Iran and Russia share... one which has not been observed in the West for at least 100 years.

That commodity?  Integrity.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 23:33 | 6322254 Tall Tom
Tall Tom's picture

Point taken...

 

I disagree. But I will agree with you that they have demonstrated more integrity than the West has in recent years.

 

They are also made up of flawed human beings also. Nobody is perfect.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 12:10 | 6319713 jose.six.pack
jose.six.pack's picture

OXI

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 12:11 | 6319719 Atticus Finch
Atticus Finch's picture

Patton trained his tank corps for North Africa at Fort Irwin, CA. Like Fort Irwin, Foot Hood has a terrain that matches any where there's a desert. Bases used for over 65 years to prepare the US military some how are now inadequate. And I'm supposed to believe this?

Just saying.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 13:31 | 6320033 Lostinfortwalton
Lostinfortwalton's picture

Hey, Patton's exercise was only 500,000 troops; Jade Helm is 1,200. See the need for more land?

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 15:11 | 6320414 Government need...
Government needs you to pay taxes's picture

IF you see something suspicious, shoot at it.  It's hot this time of year.  The buzzards will handle the leftovers.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 12:12 | 6319723 iClaudius
iClaudius's picture

Will they be training for friendly fire incidents and the usual levels of collateral damage?

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 12:18 | 6319759 Glass Seagull
Glass Seagull's picture

 

 

 

Alex Jones IS/ISN'T going banans right now?

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 12:18 | 6319760 Mat Cauthon
Mat Cauthon's picture

In my opinion the exercise itself is a red herring.

Like the past several 'incidents' on American soil, the military or Feds were conducting an exercise in the same location as a real attack.  9/11, Boston Marathon Bombing, the fact that DHS got to Sandy Hook within 1 hour despite police investigations not even being finished for initial responses, etc...

Most alt economic analysts, as well as some religious theologians place September/October as TSHTF time frame.  And since Jade Helm runs through Sep 15, they will be in place and have trained and got some seasoning, as well as indoctrinated the population for 2 months, in case a real crisis and civil unrest takes place after that date.

Just my thoughts.

 

 

Dovie'andi se tovya sagain (It's time to toss the dice)

Got Karatbars? 

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 12:19 | 6319766 Lostinfortwalton
Lostinfortwalton's picture

So you have the military in admitted conjunction with the DEA, FBI, and DHS, and various "crisis" actors doing military maneuvers outside of their military bases and it is just silly to ask questions? Also, there is no definitive answer if foreign troops are involved or not. A lot of retired and former military think something unusual is going on. They are not part of any "Walmart tunnel" crowd. I think it is principally an exercise to train foreign troops to go back to their own country and overthrow factions there.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 14:33 | 6320238 Paveway IV
Paveway IV's picture

I was kind of hoping USSOCOM was going to hook up with friendly dissidents and help return the country to the people of the U.S.A. like the constitution says. You know - take the country back from whoever the fuck is running it today and kill the treasonous bastards (or at least return them to their home of Israel and permanently ban them from re-entry).

I lost all hope when I found out that the NSA, FBI and DHS Stazi were part of the exercise. Those organizations exist to protect the elite ruling class of the U.S. and control the little people. 

Which calls to mind the purpose of JADE HELM - it's SUPPOSEDLY to train SF guys to foment revolution and help insurgents to overthrow governments. If that's the case, then how the FUCK can GOVERNMENT agencies be part of the exercise? If the U.S. is going to attempt to overthrow the government of, say Bulgaria, then they're not going to need to cooperate with the Bulgarian government, are they? The point would be to avoid detection and confrontation with or detention by the state police of the country you're trying to overthrow. Local law enforcement probably isn't going to be to eager to help Americans overthrow their government, either. So while the SF might have that mission, JADE HELM isn't directed at training them for that.

If JADE HELM is really about it's stated purpose, then they should be doing everything to avoid law enforcement and conceal their movement and operations from any federal agency LIKE the NSA, FBI or DHS Stazis. That's how a popular uprising works - the government IS the enemy.

JADE HELM looks a lot more like a government assistance exercise designed to crush successful government opposition - here or somewhere else. It feels like a counter-revolutionary effort to help 'chosen' governments re-take lost land, re-capture lost taxpayers and round up dissidents for liquidation. Say like in Crimea or the Donbass. Maybe Saudi borderlands in the south lost to Yemen. Maybe even help the Turks kill any uppity Kurds that try to form in independent Kurdistan from any Turkish lands. The government (of wherever) is considered friendly, not hostile.

In other words, JADE HELM seems to be an exercise designed specifically to train SF guys to destroy any citizen-led independence movements and return control to the former government.

The founding fathers would just fucking cry...

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 12:23 | 6319786 22winmag
22winmag's picture

Real Martial Law can only be declared by the military after a civilian government has abdicated (fled) or been deposed (strung up, beheaded, etc).

Anything else may look somewhat like martial law and feel somewhat like martial law, but if the civilian government is still in power, well it's just not martial law.

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 12:27 | 6319812 Dathedr
Dathedr's picture

Don't worry, there will never be enough of those parading mercenaries to enforce anything! When the masses revolt, the earth shakes!

Thu, 07/16/2015 - 12:29 | 6319822 Catullus
Catullus's picture

I think I'll hold a training mission to break the law. And I'm going to do it while spending your money. Please, ignore me. It's only training for when I actually plan on suppressing an insurrection. Until I actually carry it out, you're insane.

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