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China's Latest Craze: Sperm For iPhone
The biggest scare haunting Apple stock in recent months has been whether the slow at first, then quite sudden collapse in both the Chinese economy, not to mention its burst stock market bubble (which in Chinese propaganda retrospect, is now a great thing), will put the breaks on Chinese purchases of Apple's most important and profitable product - the iPhone. Indeed according to a just released UBS report, while it takes the average New York worker about 24 hours to afford a 16GB iPhone 6, this number rises to 218 hours in Beijing. And the great China's economic slowdown the higher the number will go, and the lower Apple's revenues in the coming quarters.
However, for China's middle class, whose dreams of market bubble riches just went up in a margin call, there is still hope to pretend to be richer than one's neighbor courtesy of a faux rose gold cell phone. The answer: a tablespoon of sperm.
As Xinhua reports, "technophiles may not have to reach far to find the cash for Apple's latest model. According to an advertisement with the Shanghai Sperm Bank - all you have to do is donating."
"No need to sell a kidney...Shanghai sperm bank can make your iPhone 6s dream come true," says the ad which has gone viral on China's most popular social networking app WeChat this week.
From Xinhua:
Capitalizing on the country's lust for new technology, the sperm bank hopes to fix a shortage in donors ahead of the release of the iPhone 6s next week. Those who qualify to donate can receive up to 6,000 yuan for 17 ml of semen. The latest Apple model is expected to cost around 5,288 yuan.
The morbid jokes just write themselves:
"Why sell your kidney when you can donate sperm? It's a great deed that can bring happiness to a whole family," said microblog Weibo user "Wojiushiwutong".
As a reminder, while "selling kidneys" is usually just a phrase, in China it became all too real in 2011 when a teenager sold one of his kidneys to buy and iPhone and an iPad. "To sell a kidney has become a well-known metaphor for the fever pitch surrounding Apple products."
A sperm bank in central China's Hubei Province posted a similar ad highlighting a picture of the new rose gold iPhone 6s, a color created mainly to attract Chinese consumers. The Shanghai ad is bluntly titled "New Solution to Get iPhone 6s", evoking some criticism that the sperm bank is being insensitive.
"I don't like the idea of making money out of sperm donation to buy new iPhones. Sperm donation is a very serious cause for public good," one Weibo user said. But a spokesperson with the Shanghai sperm bank told Xinhua the campaign has worked well so far, raising awareness and attracting potential donors.
The reason why 17 ml of sperm are so valuable in China is because not only are there thousands of infertile couples in China, but all sperm banks across the country face donation shortages because many young men are unaware or too embarrassed to donate, forcing the banks to turn to social media.
Even if they do find a sufficient pool of potential donors, certain criteria must be met to be eligible. Donors must be between 22 to 45 years old, hold a college degree and have high-quality semen that can survive the rigors of freezing and thawing.Which still keeps the pool of eligible candidates in the tens if not hundreds of millions.
It was not exactly clear how potential female consumers of iPhone are supposed to capitalize on this latest Chinese craze, and while there are countless, and very humorous, places one can take this latest manifestation of capitalism perhaps gone too far, one potential Chinese "channel check" may have appeared: masturbation as a leading indicator of iPhone sales. Because just when sales were starting to turn flaccid, here comes China's sperm-for-iPhones Hail Mary, promising at least several more quarters of firm stock reactions to EPS beats.
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i-jizz, bitchez!
Oh cum on, you must be joking!
New marketing campaign: Nut for Apple!
Where do I send my genetically superior load? Can I get 2 phones?
Great Ad for Ashley Madison.
Wait wait wait wait hold the boat
The Chinks have too many people and they need jizz for sperm banks?
WTF?!?!?!?!?!
Let's devalue the yaun!
Sperm :: China
Money Printing :: USA
Coal :: Newcastle
So what are high quality eggs going for? I would guess those are more precious there right now since they have a drastic shortage of women.
dont they have enough motherfuckers yet? how many slaves does a slave state need?
What a load of wank
Someone must REALLY like drinking sperm!
Just say it... you were thinking of Tim Cook weren't you.
Just wait till sperm is to be used as collateral to buy stawks.
would that be the fap app?
What next, sperm banksters?
HY sperm bonds...
With a maturity date of 18 years and then they pay for themselves
Exactly. It seems like easy money until they come after you for financial support.
But will a tablespoon of sperm be enough to solve the problem? Me thinks we need a tiny bit more of sperm to solve this problematic mystery.
I'll trade my ex-wife for a VCR
"I'll trade my ex-wife for a VCR"
I'll trade mine for a Betamax machine.
Sold for the 8 track
Wait! I'll GIVE you my iphone if you take my ex-wife.
What people do to have an Iphone that tracks them every where!
Hey Lloyd and Jamie - Collateralized Cum Obligations!
Lloyd wishing all that sperm he shot up jamies ass could be recovered
Strange, for a place with 1.3 billion inhabitants. you would think that sperm would be a worthless commodity,
10:1 odds this is a scam, farce or other form of unreality. There's no way they'll give a phone away for something your typical geek would pay for. Does China have it's own version of The Onion?
Did the "the ad which has gone viral" give it away....
itracker 6 costs:
iPhone 6 16GB Space Gray (GSM) $549.00One golden cartridge load of Chinese swimmers costs.........
It's great to see some Chinese have a wonderful sense of humor!
They should call it the pound your iPud for an iPad promotion.
Sperm count has fallen something like 50% in last 50 years mainly due to pollution and stress. Sperm counts are falling at least 1.9% a year for decades now. In China, it may be down even more. So sperm is a very valuable commodity today.
In the US sperm count is falling sharply due to toxic GMO foods that Congress refuses to label. China buys hundreds of millions tons of GMO foods from USA (soybeans chiefly) but Chinese military refuses to eat GMOs:
Research Indicates That GMO Could Be a Cause of Infertilityhttp://natural-fertility-info.com/gmo-infertility.html
GMOs & Rising Infertility, THIS IS NO ACCIDENT!http://www.thelibertybeacon.com/2015/08/24/gmos-rising-infertility-this-...
China bans GMOs from army food supplyhttp://www.naturalnews.com/045443_GMOs_China_food_supply.html
Are you saying that the chineese cummodities exchange is running out of polluted sperm?
http://oagb.ru/lib.php?txt_id=12292
Fucking A ;) www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUspLVStPbk
every sperm is sacred
#spermlivesmatter
iBone.
iMoan?
Earplug loud?
I don’t see a place for our… ‘modules’ in this I-Phone 6S.
.
The fapsmith.
Because fapping is Serious Business(TM).
iPhone sticks – I mean six.
wack a mole app chinese style
Amazing that people would buy the sperm from loosers that can not even afford an iphone.
POTD
Or more likely from the losers (see how that's spelled?) that can't afford to upgrade their existing loser iphones to the latest, greatest model -- with a BACK key!
Some merry prankster ought to swap in some hood rat rapper spunk and watch the hilarity ensue!
See mijev below. White sperm could be funny enough!
This is probably TMI but I was staying in a five star hotel in northern china and I ordered an in room massage. No big deal and it was all legit but at the end I had a boner. She said 'do you want me to take care of that?" So I said yes, worried about how much her 'handiwork' was going to add to the bill. But after it was over she just packed up her gear, got me to sign the hotel receipt, left me her phone number and said "zai jian." I gave her the change from my cab fare from the airport which was all the cash I had but she was a little reluctant to take it. Then I cleaned up went to the bar on some pretty shaky legs. Interesting trip.
Did she catch the end product into a special receptacle or scoop the remains into a vial?
You may be getting a phone call from her using her special app iPregnant.
She probably ran off lickety split to the sperm bank.
Thanks, don't we all like a happy end.
I live in Shanghai and have been donating here for free. For some reason Chinese girls fantasize about sleeping with foreigners. My girlfriend gets asked frequently what it is like to sleep with a foreigner.
Mostly quiet unless they snore...
Impregnate women in FEMA camps with Chinese sperm.
I don't think so it would take four or five of them to get one of us down. It would be like a messed up scene out of Army of Darkness plus we have boom sticks.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ukgtdpLUGuw
I hope they have enough in stock....
When I pop, its in pints.
I want one. Q99X2 hybrids on the way.
Puts an interesting, er, spin, on the idea of "expecting."
Maybe Chinaman spermies have replaced tiger dick as the new medical cure all... buy the rumor.
I promise, I'll only use the phone till I need glasses.
Admit it guys, you think this iDea is a stroke of genius.
Now everytime I make a creampie I be thinkin, Damn, I could have gotton an iPhone for that.
iCumforiPhone.cum
I have this disturbing vision of millions of China-men lined up like farm animals in barns across China, hooked up to cow milking machines, getting wanked off to latest i-phone catalog.
Damn, and I've been giving that stuff away.
That's weird. Why would a country who had previously inacted a one child policy due to the suffocating weight of it's population need sperm for infertile couples? Since when do those evil little swimmers who attempt to impregnate people who are just trying to have fun have such value in a place like that or any value at all for that matter? ( ;
On a serious note, this collection of fetal and other reproductive cells by states is alarming, WTF are they doing?
The population growth is now declining. China has been isolated for a long time and locals tend to marry locals so there is not a lot of genetic diversity and the natural evolutionary result is lower male fertility.
The other issue is that parents also push their (only) daughter to put career first, so it's much more common for Chinese women to refuse to have a child until 30 because she wants to finish her PhD and get the first promotion at her job. Getting married or having a kid too early is kinda shameful for their middle class.
Just don't sign up for the iJizz App. Your phone will come down with a rash to rival Miley's ass.
17 mL is a significant amount of sperm. Skeet skeet skeet
http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view/365387/skeet-skeet-lazal-dazal-o-s.gif
The average load is 1-5 ml so that's over 3X as much as normal, Peter North not included.
You don't get 1.5 billion people by sitting around doing nothing...
Just hire hot nurses to jerk off people who donate sperm = you will get lots of donations. And it will create jobs
fuck...and to think, I coulda filled a warehouse by iphones over the years...just my luck
How much Quality Control do you think they engage in ?
Could they tell the difference between sperm and.... let's say Lubriderm Lotion ??
I think NOT !
There, an income opportunity for the seriously needy.
I got a free iPod Shuffle for donating a teaspoon of my smegma.
I admit to just quick scanning the comments for a few of my favorite posters so if this is a repeat, take mercy.
My 16 yr old son has no idea he is wasting the equivalent of an iCrap God knows how many times a day not to mention ruining a lot of socks. not sarc and I am not mentioning it to him.
I should go over there. Id have 100,000 cell phones by now. Maybe 200,000.
And in the UK, Cameron has been outed as a bestial necrophiliac.
http://dailycaller.com/2015/09/20/british-politics-reels-from-sex-scanda...
How does one get off this fucking planet...