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Billionaires Troll Middle Class With "14 Things Successful People Do Before Breakfast" Listicle

Tyler Durden's picture




 

At first we though the Twitter account of the World Economic Forum, best known for its annual Davos boondoggle catering only to billionaires, had been hacked.

Either that, or the world's billionaires (who previously were so very concerned about rising inequality they have since greenlighted numerous new cases of QE and a few dozen rate cuts to push stocks, and inequality, to even recorder highs) now have nothing better to do than to troll everyone else, not only by parading with their wealth (and lamenting rising global CO2 levels after creating a traffic jam with their private jets in Davos, Switzerland), but by, drumroll, release a listicle laying out "14 Things Billionaires Do Before Breakfast."

No, we are not joking. Here it is.

Here is the summary of what appears to have been a serious "article":

“If it has to happen, then it has to happen first,” writes Laura Vanderkam, a time-management expert and the author of “What the Most Successful People Do Before Breakfast.”

 

Those among us who have managed to find professional success and eke out a life actively embrace this philosophy. They must set aside their first hours of the day to invest in their top-priority activities before other people’s priorities come rushing in.

 

Science supports this strategy. Vanderkam cites the famous finding of Roy Baumeister, a Florida State University psychology professor, that willpower is like a muscle that becomes fatigued from overuse.

 

Diets, he says, come undone in the evening, just as poor self-control and lapses in decision-making often come later in the day. On the other hand, early mornings offer a fresh supply of willpower, and people tend to be more optimistic and ready to tackle challenging tasks.

 

So what do successful executives and entrepreneurs do when they are rested and fresh? From Vanderkam’s study of morning rituals and our own research, we outline the following 14 things that the most successful people do before breakfast. While they might not do all of these things every morning, each has been found to be an effective way to start the day.

And the details:

They wake up early.

Successful people know that time is a precious commodity. And while theirs is easily eaten up by phone calls, meetings, and sudden crises once they’ve gotten to the office, the morning hours are under their control. That’s why many of them rise before the sun, squeezing out as much time as they can to do with as they please.

The bottom line: Productive mornings start with early wake-up calls.

* * *

They drink water.

Many successful executives reach for water instead of coffee first thing in the morning. Kat Cole, president of Focus Brands, parent company of Auntie Anne’s, Carvel, and Cinnabon, wakes up a 5 a.m. every morning and drinks 24 ounces of water.

Huffington Post founder Arianna Huffington and Birchbox Man chief Brad Lande start their days with a glass of hot water with lemon.

Drinking water in the morning helps you feel more alert, rehydrates your body, and kickstarts your metabolism, says Rania Batayneh, MPH, a nutritionist and author of “The One One One Diet.”

* * *

They make their beds.

This one-minute habit can make you happier and more productive all day long.

In his book, “The Power of Habit,” Charles Duhigg writes that getting into the routine of making your bed every morning is correlated with increased productivity.

Making your bed doesn’t necessarily causeyou to get more done at work, Duhigg writes, but it’s a “keystone habit” that can spark “chain reactions that help other good habits take hold.”

In addition to being more productive, people that consistently make their beds also tend to have “a greater sense of well-being and stronger skills at sticking with a budget,” Duhigg writes.

* * *

They exercise before it falls off the to-do list.

The top morning activity of the rich and powerful seems to be exercise, be it lifting weights at home or going to the gym.

For example, Vanderkam notes that Xerox CEO Ursula Burns schedules an hour-long personal training session at 6 a.m. twice a week. Plus, “Shark Tank” investor Kevin O’Leary gets up at 5:45 every morning and jumps on the elliptical or exercise bike, andentrepreneur Gary Vaynerchuk starts every day with an hour-long workout with his trainer. “These are incredibly busy people,” says Vanderkam. “If they make time to exercise, it must be important.”

Beyond the fact that exercising in the morning means they can’t later run out of time, Vanderkam says a pre-breakfast workout helps reduce stress later in the day, counteracts the effects of high-fat diet, and improves sleep.

* * *

They work on a top-priority business project.

The quiet hours of the morning can be the ideal time to focus on an important work project without being interrupted. What’s more, spending time on it at the beginning of the day ensures that it gets your attention before others — kids, employees, bosses — use it up.

Vanderkam uses the example of a business strategist who dealt with so many ad hoc meetings and interruptions throughout the day that she felt she couldn’t get anything done. She started thinking of the early mornings as project time, and chose a top-priority project each day to focus on. Sure enough, not a single colleague dropped in on her at 6:30 a.m. She could finally concentrate.

* * *

They meditate to clear their minds.

Type-A personalities typically demand as much from others as they do from themselves, so it can be difficult for them to disconnect from their mental to-do lists and calm their minds. Before they head out the door, many successful people devote themselves to a spiritual practice such as meditation or prayer to center themselves for the rush of the day.

Manisha Thakor, a financial adviser and former corporate executive, practices transcendental meditation to clear her mind. She does two 20-minute sessions a day, the first before breakfast and the second in the evening, and focuses on breathing and repeating a mantra in her head. She’s found it to be “one of the most life-enhancing practices” she’s ever experienced, she told Vanderkam.

* * *

They check their email.

While time-management gurus may suggest putting off email as long as possible, many successful people start the day with email. In fact, one recent survey found that the first thing most executives do in the morning is check their email.

They may quickly scan their inboxes for urgent messages that need an immediate response or craft a few important emails that they can better focus on while their minds are fresh.

For instance, Gretchen Rubin, author of “The Happiness Project,” wakes at 6 every morning before her family’s up at 7. She uses the time to clear her inbox, schedule the day, and read social media. Getting these tasks out of the way from the start helps her concentrate better when she moves on to more challenging projects, she told Vanderkam.

* * *

They read the news.

Whether it’s sitting in the corner diner and reading the papers or checking the blogs and Twitter from their phones, most successful people have a pre-breakfast ritual for getting the latest headlines.

For example, GE CEO Jeff Immelt starts his days with a cardio workout and then reads the paper and watches CNBC. Meanwhile, Virgin America CEO David Cush uses his mornings to listen to sports radio and read the papers while hitting the stationary bike at the gym.

By the time they get to work, they have a good idea of what’s going on in the world. Then, they can get down to the business of changing it.

* * *

There were more "things" the successful do in the seemingly endless hours billionaires have "before breakfast" (it appears they "drink water", "make their beds" and "connect with their spouses" but don't actually make their breakfast) in the full WEF "article" of what is next-level middle class trolling, although we were laughing too hard by then to notice. And then we read the disclaimer:

This article is published in collaboration with Business Insider.

Suddenly it all became clear.

 

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Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:00 | 6739470 Lorca's Novena
Lorca's Novena's picture

They'll be laughing all the way to the head chopping off mechanism/machine...

Psychopath mother effers!

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:03 | 6739479 Lorca's Novena
Lorca's Novena's picture

and WTF is a personal pasion project? Do they sit at home and sharpen their knives, figure out ways to steal more money from the working class, or maybe their into ass reaming dildo parties?

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:14 | 6739482 synergize
synergize's picture

lol this is such BS.  They also shit rainbows, work hard to pay their taxes on time, and always clean their plates after dinner.

It couldnt possibly be the system that is unfair/unjust and favors the morally bankrupt - make sure your presstitues write about how "poor people" can better be rich by simply "working/playing harder", drinking more water, and doing their beds ...

 

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:14 | 6739537 rccalhoun
rccalhoun's picture

anxiety wakes them at 430am (right before alarm that never goes off)

they have work clothes laying on ground and dress in the dark (no wife anymore so why in the dark--habit)

run to vehicle and drive towards first jobsite--awaiting workforce to arise and start calling---plotting strategy and anticipating problems

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:19 | 6739562 Boris Alatovkrap
Boris Alatovkrap's picture

Boris is wake up. Shower and shave of back is optional.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:27 | 6739598 Skateboarder
Skateboarder's picture

For us average plebians, there is this nasty thing called rush hour, and depending on the city you live in, your commute time to work doubles if you don't make the cutoff. It's amazing how much of a difference there is between 6:50am, 7:00am, and 7:10am.

This list... what a joke. Most of us JoeAvs have just enough time for what Billy the Poet stated. That coffee'n'smoke in the morning is a blessing from god's great grace, the first two paving the way for the third. Starting off the day with a clean digestive system is the best damn thing ever - probably the best aid to physical, mental, and spiritual well-being lol.

#2 is no joke though - if you need digestive help, drink a liter of water when you wake up. Works like a charm.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:38 | 6739624 Son of Loki
Son of Loki's picture

The "personal passion project" is banging the maid, Lolita, in several favorite positions most likely. That sounds like both the "personal" and "passionate" sort of thing a billionaire does when he gets up oin the morning... of course, after that "quality time with family"....of course.....

 

ex:

Arnold Schwarzenegger speaks of affair with maid

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2210078/Arnold-Schwarzenegg...

 

Just like daddy! Arnold Schwarzenegger's love child Joseph Baena

 

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2578421/Arnold-Schwarzenegg...

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:41 | 6739662 Pure Evil
Pure Evil's picture

It all sounds great, but WWSD.

1. Wake up, sacrifice infant.

2. Drink blood sacrifice to slake vampire thirst.

3. Pick next target or country to personally destroy.

4. Pray at the altar of Satan.

 

(WWSD = What Would Soros Do)

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:55 | 6739713 Lets_Eat_Ben
Lets_Eat_Ben's picture

5. Kidnap prostitutes or children for later use in rituals

6. Sodomize fellow members for initiation purposes

7. Create and further false narratives with manufactured "news"

8. Engage in creation of care ceremony to rid self of that pesky feeling of guilt

 

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 12:00 | 6739726 NoDebt
NoDebt's picture

I don't know how the article missed such an obvious one that I learned years ago:

Never underestimate the importance of a good bowel movement.  One a day, like clockwork.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 12:23 | 6739824 Fahque Imuhnutjahb
Fahque Imuhnutjahb's picture

 

 

When you eat at 11:30am, I don't call that breakfast---that's brunch, but that's coming from a lazy bastard

who eats his breakfast at 6:30 am.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 12:54 | 6739967 NidStyles
NidStyles's picture

I think they forgot one. 

 

They make sure their appointment with the Rabbi is still on. 

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 13:29 | 6740081 knukles
knukles's picture

Nothing is so overrated as your first fuck and nothing so underrated as a plain good shit.
    -Kunkies First Law of Happy Dynamics

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 13:53 | 6740156 TruxtonSpangler
TruxtonSpangler's picture

I call BS if "Get BJ from maid" isnt on the list

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 14:12 | 6740213 Never One Roach
Never One Roach's picture

#16. Fuck a pigs head

#17. Put the gerbils back in their cage; well, at least the live ones.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 22:51 | 6742555 Majestic12
Majestic12's picture

"14 Things Successful People Do Before Breakfast"

1.They wake up early (for them, noon)
2.They drink water...with Metamucil, 100 vitamins, HGH, and handfuls of "smart drugs".
3.They have their trainer excercise and shadow the easy stuff.
4.They "work" on a "top-priority" business project, like algo theft or insider trading.
5.They "work" on a personal passion project, like human trafficking and pedophilia networks.
6.They spend "quality" time with family (via iPhone).
7.They connect with their spouses by sharing greed.
8.They make their beds...too bad they don't lie in them.
9.They network over coffee, or the "coffee-like" substances cocaine and MDMA.
10.They meditate to clear their minds, then they fire 7,000 with a "clear" conscience.
11.They write down things they're grateful for...and say them to Baphomet in ritual.
12.They plan strategies while they're fresh and fire 7,000 anyway.
13.They check their email for new hookups or S&M reviews.
14.They read the news for any possible hints of prosecutorial progress against them.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 14:44 | 6740339 Evil Peanut
Evil Peanut's picture

IN OTHER NEWS...

Ex-French president Nicolas Sarkozy's mobile phones are seized and examined by judges probing £35m cocaine smuggling ring

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3298958/Ex-French-president-Nico...

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 16:19 | 6740721 gafgroocK
gafgroocK's picture

 

 

Knuckles, could you please reverse the order and move the shit up one position above the first fuck slot?

Thanks in Advance!

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 18:19 | 6741269 STP
STP's picture

Don't even leave the house, without taking a good morning crap, first!   That and a good hot cup of coffee.  Screw meditating, I'll read ZeroHedge instead and then on to Xhamxter for the Personal Passion Project.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 13:32 | 6740089 Eeyores Enigma
Eeyores Enigma's picture

They to mention that breakfast is ground up sheeple sausage.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 17:52 | 6741156 ali-ali-al-qomfri
ali-ali-al-qomfri's picture

ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 12:24 | 6739829 HowdyDoody
HowdyDoody's picture

This has to be top of the list.

0: Be born to wealthy parents.

 

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 16:48 | 6740869 A Nanny Moose
A Nanny Moose's picture

Measuring success by other peoples' yardstick is failure.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 12:38 | 6739894 CarpetShag
CarpetShag's picture

There is a well- known German saying: " gut geschissen ist halb gefruehstueckt"
for the non- linguists:
"a good crap is half a breakfast"

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 12:49 | 6739944 Kayman
Kayman's picture

And equally well-known, most American breakfasts are crap.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 12:57 | 6739973 BLOTTO
BLOTTO's picture

Must be nice - us middle class people dont have no time for that fucking shit.

 

 

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 13:02 | 6739986 BLOTTO
BLOTTO's picture

Charles Bukowski -

.

“How in the hell could a man enjoy being awakened at 8:30 a.m. by an alarm clock, leap out of bed, dress, force-feed, shit, piss, brush teeth and hair, and fight traffic to get to a place where essentially you made lots of money for somebody else and were asked to be grateful for the opportunity to do so? ”

 

 

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 13:48 | 6740138 Head_Shots_Work
Head_Shots_Work's picture

Most of the middle class guys I work with take their dump at work. That way it's not on 'their dollar' - they get paid for taking a shit. If I was a psychopath manager the first thing i would do is remove the stalls. and all the shitters except for one. Do the math. 15+ minutes a day = 1.25 hours a week * 50 weeks * say - $40 an hour = $2500 for year of poop. Personally I never go into the stalls - I've seen the worms. 

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 15:31 | 6740535 CarpetShag
CarpetShag's picture

I always crap at work - halves the water bill if you are on a high- fiber diet.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 18:44 | 6741409 Government need...
Government needs you to pay taxes's picture

Hell ya.  Reduces your need to buy toilet paper as well.  Back when I was working for the man, I'd sometimes be totally punk rock and take the roll out of the stall on my way home.  It's free to use, treat it like Obamacare or an Obamaphone.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 13:04 | 6739998 Salah
Salah's picture

...it's "cremation of care" ceremony (see Wiki below) ...get it right, Fuckhead (or we'll put the hoo-doo on you)

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cremation_of_Care

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 13:36 | 6740101 SWRichmond
SWRichmond's picture

9.  Ensure appropriately discrete disposal of bodies of children from whom blood was taken for extraction of HGH for the injection we need each day.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 15:34 | 6740547 FireBrander
FireBrander's picture

"8. Engage in creation of care ceremony to rid self of that pesky feeling of guilt"

9. Pick up a Bible and ask "The Lord" for guidance.

Fucking psycopaths.

Undecover Boss TV Show Episode...some airline, forget the name.

1. CEO lives in a MASSIVE house, indoor BB court and all.

2. Goes undecover within his airline to discover how his "cost cutting measures" TOTALLY FUCKED every last employee.

3. Returns to his hotel room, takes off his disguise, jumps in bed, opens a Bible, and "Asks the Lord for guidance".

4. I puked.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 15:48 | 6740601 847328_3527
847328_3527's picture
How the 0.00003 Percent Lives

 

When not toiling in the mines, our billionaire loves hobnobbing with other billionaires. “Generally speaking, billionaires form bonds and relationships with individuals who share their interests and abilities,” the census solemnly reports.

That class of billionaires cares nothing for the nation-state, by the way. Most of them live in megacities like New York, Hong Kong, and London, hopscotching from “city to city, not country to country.” When they get together, they love watching athletic competitions, particularly of the country-club sort.

 

http://nymag.com/daily/intelligencer/2014/09/how-the-000003-percent-live...

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 18:49 | 6741440 Government need...
Government needs you to pay taxes's picture

"Hey Warren, how are you?  Got any good new strategies for rippin' the eyes out of the muppets?"

"I'm fine Bill, thanks!  And yes, I've been trading Congressional insider information in exchange for public statements raising awareness for higher taxes on the middle class.  You see, the little people look up to me, so when I tell them to pay more taxes, they feel better about it, and write the checks."

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 13:29 | 6740082 trulz4lulz
trulz4lulz's picture

And here i thoudht the "s" stood for Satan. Thanks for clearing that up.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 15:25 | 6740511 UnicornSkittles
UnicornSkittles's picture

Same difference.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 16:51 | 6740882 PT
PT's picture

They spend quality time with their family BEFORE breakfast?  I guess that leaves them plenty of time to get stuff done over the rest of the day.  I think its what they do AFTER breakfast that actually makes them successful:
1.  Ring Fed and ask for another bail-out.
2.  Buy another politician and get another law changed / passed.
3.  Get your lawyers to write some new legislation.  Tell your pet politicians they have to pass it to see what is in it.
4.  Get a peasant to program another HFT algo and then have said peasant thrown in jail.
5.  Buy another company, sack its workers, rehire half of them on minimum wages, pay themselves a billion dollars by loading said company up with three times its previous debt and then selling shares to pension funds.
6.  Negotiate tax breaks and long-term aquisition of cheap land.
7.  "Buy" the most shorted stocks until everyone is squeezed out of their positions. 

...

You know, that sort of thing. 

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:48 | 6739691 robertocarlos
robertocarlos's picture

I am drinking a litre of water before going to bed. It's not working out too good some days.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 12:01 | 6739729 NoDebt
NoDebt's picture

Switch to vodka.  Might want to start off with half a litre at first.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 18:28 | 6741306 STP
STP's picture

If I did that, I'd be peeing every hour, till I woke up.  Once you get fifty something, the plumbing doesn't work like it used too...  Take little sips off've a 1/4 full glass if you get thirsty. 

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 18:33 | 6741341 o r c k
o r c k's picture

I drank 5 gallons of water this morning but I drowned.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:53 | 6739711 Nostradumbass
Nostradumbass's picture

 

 

This habit will be of great benefit to anyone applying it:

What the Science Says About Intermittent Fasting

http://fitness.mercola.com/sites/fitness/archive/2013/06/28/intermittent...

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:56 | 6739718 Never One Roach
Never One Roach's picture

I intermittently fast as best I can ... between the two Krispy Kremes at 6am and my two FF Burgers + milk shake at noon. I will admit it makes me feel better.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 18:34 | 6741346 o r c k
o r c k's picture

Yeah, I used to quit smoking after each cig.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 12:03 | 6739740 FrankDrakman
FrankDrakman's picture

Dang! I read "Intermittent Fisting"..

was I disappointed.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 13:24 | 6740067 Adahy
Adahy's picture

I have gotten to the point that I enjoy my fasts (I used to bitch about fasting before festivals).  The energy (and sense of smell) you get after your body switches over to consuming fat is unreal.  Makes me feel 10 years younger and cleans out the ol' pipes to boot!  Just ease into them and ease out; no heavy meals for a day or so on either side.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 12:30 | 6739855 Fahque Imuhnutjahb
Fahque Imuhnutjahb's picture

To hell with all the traffic, just use your 'copter!

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 12:53 | 6739887 QE49er
QE49er's picture

This is what happens to you when you don't follow the number one rule of the billionares club:

http://ktla.com/2015/10/30/person-apparently-ejected-lands-on-freeway-si...

 

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 13:07 | 6740010 Pure Evil
Pure Evil's picture

With the ears that guy had you'd think he could have used them to fly to work.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 13:23 | 6740058 hungarianboy
hungarianboy's picture

First thing I do is open my eyes.

Second is farting out LOUD.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 19:13 | 6741595 Utopia Planitia
Utopia Planitia's picture

Boris- You ruin my life! This no joke. My sister has brain tumor.  Very bad. Doctor remove. Now sister cannot work. She become destitute, move in with me and wife.  2 year ago. We give her empty bedroom. Sister want sleep couch in living room!  Make horrid mess.

 

Sister see Boris on ZH on my laptop.  Sister fall in love!  Sister says Boris tell her no take shower, just use toilet paper on face!

 

Wife want divorce.  Now I close to destitute!

 

Help me Boris! Only solution: Boris take sister to shower, then Boris do what he want.  Else I am ruin.  Call tonight, pleez!

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:19 | 6739563 Billy the Poet
Billy the Poet's picture

Coffee. Cigarette. Poop.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:25 | 6739591 KnuckleDragger-X
KnuckleDragger-X's picture

Personally a giant dump and bladder evacuation comes first and a cigarette while the coffee cooks, because efficiency.....

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:26 | 6739599 Dixie Rect
Dixie Rect's picture

I call bullshit. I didn't see "rub one out" on the list.

 

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:29 | 6739607 Skateboarder
Skateboarder's picture

Different strokes for different folks. ;-)

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:36 | 6739631 Bokkenrijder
Bokkenrijder's picture

I strongly believe in the "one jerk before work" principle!

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 12:00 | 6739720 Never One Roach
Never One Roach's picture

#1 call Walgreens for that Extra-Strength Viagra refill.

#2 text the 58 y.o. wife [who is sleeping in a different wing of the Mansion with her tennis coach] good morning;

#3 ring for the 19 y.o. maid for help "to make the bed"

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 17:18 | 6740999 Shizzmoney
Shizzmoney's picture

THe fact this isn't on there goes to show these ppl are really the sociopaths of our time.

I hate neoliberalism so much.  This fucking shit. 

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 16:40 | 6740825 Winston Smith 2009
Winston Smith 2009's picture

"I call bullshit. I didn't see "rub one out" on the list."

That's a service provided by their staff - a "staff service" as found on the menu.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 12:37 | 6739878 Fahque Imuhnutjahb
Fahque Imuhnutjahb's picture

 

 

Multitask, you slothful log bump!!  Coffee maker and smokes in the rest room.  Sit backwards on the commode

so you've got space for your ashtray, mug, and paper.  Have a couple dumb bells within easy reach, as well as a

phone, TV, and computer nearby.  Have an intercom system installed so you can spend quality family time.

Lastly, have a fireman's slide pole to the garage for speedy exit.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:21 | 6739575 Stuck on Zero
Stuck on Zero's picture

#9:Networking.  After a call to their insider at the Fed they call Lloyd and place a dozen naked shorts before calling their captive Congressmen to secure tax advantages. They follow this up with a bagel and then go back to outsourcing 10,000 jobs from the flyover states...

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 12:04 | 6739743 NoDebt
NoDebt's picture

That's definitely a fridge-worthy post.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:15 | 6739539 WhyDoesItHurtWh...
WhyDoesItHurtWhen iPee's picture

All I have time for is a cup of prole java and run out to my " slave labor wage arbitrage job ".

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 13:14 | 6740032 quartshort
quartshort's picture

These people can afford breakfast???

Time to start saving for breakfast. Shouldn't take long with all this deflation I keep hearing about.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:17 | 6739555 Renfield
Renfield's picture

15. They run a small percentage of last night's take into an envelope, and send it with a runner to their local congressman. It is important to do this BEFORE breakfast, before congress begins any voting, in order to make sure they can get a little lobbying time in on a few of their caucus mates. An early start is a must.

16. Don't forget the judiciary bill! Judges don't stay bought forever, and if you do it BEFORE breakfast you get that bang for the buck on the early morning dockets.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 14:15 | 6740228 Never One Roach
Never One Roach's picture

#18. Prepare for that CNBC interview where they say, "Americans are poor because they're not working hard enough."

#19. Thoroughly wash balls and penis for that above CNBC interview with Becky Quick [she allegedly doesn't like to polish dirrty balls]

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 14:01 | 6740189 DullKnife
DullKnife's picture

Drink a lot of water at night and one does not need an alarm clock to get up early. :-)

As for the rest of the advice, here is what a workday morning for the "little people" is like:

1. alarm buzzes.  hit snooze button to get 10 more minutes.

2. get up, pee & rinse mouth, brush teeth and mouth wash to deal with the nasty morning mouth.

(unless one is a manager doing meetings with subordinates and you want them to suffer)

3. dress, drink coffee, wash face.

4. get kids up (school).  

5. make lunches for kids (school may have a cafeteria but bag lunches save money).

6. drive kids to school (watching bicyclists and joggers pass you due to the stop and go rush hour commute traffice snarl)

7. drive to work, hoping traffic improves enough so one can punch in on time.

Daily routine of ordinary wage slaves has little relationship to the lifestyles of the .001%

 

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 14:24 | 6740255 Trogdor
Trogdor's picture

It's the billionaire's version of "Let them eat cake!"

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 14:43 | 6740332 cdude
cdude's picture

@ synergize

Bravo! Well said-simply elegant.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:15 | 6739543 TheCanadianAustrian
TheCanadianAustrian's picture

Of course it's ridiculous. If they're billionaires or some such, then their career obviously IS their personal passion.

You don't become wildly successful by "balancing" home and work life. You become wildly successful by sacrificing your personal life so you can work 20 hours a day instead of 10.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 12:09 | 6739762 Pumpkin
Pumpkin's picture

Oil the nailguns had to make the list somewhere.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 12:20 | 6739803 DisasterCapitalist
DisasterCapitalist's picture

I believe that "personal passion project" was a reference to DSK.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 14:35 | 6740293 Anonymous User
Anonymous User's picture

This is my morning routine aka passion project, but instead of that cup of coffee most of the times I take a line or two. Directly from that mound of Venus:

http://www.thepornster.com/mobile/watch/462/

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 16:36 | 6740806 WorkingClassMan
WorkingClassMan's picture

I think they mean by "personal passion project," that they spend this time staring in front of the mirror...admiring themselves and how perfect they are, while us mere peasants are not so much as gum-scum on the bottom of their shoes in comparison.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:05 | 6739485 WhyDoesItHurtWh...
WhyDoesItHurtWhen iPee's picture

2. They drink water.

No wonder they are billionaires.  Too smart for me to keep up with.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:23 | 6739570 lunaticfringe
lunaticfringe's picture

Fuck, who would have ever thought of that? I wake up with a raging hard on and I usually nail some pussy right away. Didn't even get an honorable mention. No billion for me. Going back to bed.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:32 | 6739618 Bill of Rights
Bill of Rights's picture

Your poor cat...

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:46 | 6739681 HopefulCynical
HopefulCynical's picture

+1 Internets. Nicely played.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:51 | 6739700 chunga
chunga's picture

My question is this:

If I put ropes around the necks of these guys and tie it to the hitch of my chevy 4X4 how many can I drag around the colliseum before I start to lose traction?

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 12:09 | 6739764 boattrash
boattrash's picture

Not sure, but let me know if you need bigger tires or more rope, I'll be glad to help.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 12:24 | 6739826 General Decline
General Decline's picture

Throw a couple participants' bodies from the previous round in the bed of your truck.  Weight = Traction

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 13:53 | 6740157 ThroxxOfVron
ThroxxOfVron's picture

Hemi or no hemi?

How high is the cab sittin' and what is the tire width?

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:13 | 6739531 XAU XAG
XAU XAG's picture

What...............No reading Zerohedge..........first thing in the morning

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:46 | 6739679 Ghordius
Ghordius's picture

too many hints about how hated they are, including this article. saps energy, hate, particularly hate that can't be actioned upon

in my experience, Successful People love a lot. themselves, themselves, sometimes others, toys, their work, their projects, success, money, themselves (yes, 3rd mention)

inversely, people that think they are not successful spend a lot of time hating more or less the same list

let's put some religion in this discussion. Jesus said (Mark, 12:31; Matthew, 22:39) love your next as yourself. It might follow that the more you love yourself the more you can love others. It might even follow that the more time you spend hating others the less you'll capable to love yourself, and even estinguish your capability to love

with love, Uncle G

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 12:05 | 6739744 Skateboarder
Skateboarder's picture

Selfishness is a trait looked down upon, and rightfully so, but there is one case where it is not only good but also beneficial to all. An amingo of mine once told me something, and it is exactly the case that you describe: you must love yourself so much, that in order to preserve your own "selfish" interests of keeping yourself alive, healthy, and happy, you need to love everyone else just as equally or more, of their health and happiness, so that yours can be assured as well.

It seems like a somewhat twisted concept, but it's 100% true.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 15:58 | 6740643 847328_3527
847328_3527's picture

Recent $10 million gubmint-funded study shows that "most billionaires strongly believe that charity begins in the home."

 

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 12:41 | 6739906 CarpetShag
CarpetShag's picture

Pity that Jesus didn't exist.

Tue, 11/03/2015 - 04:47 | 6743109 Ghordius
Ghordius's picture

irrelevant. Mickey Mouse does not exist, and yet he entertains and even generates a profit. in the same way, Jesus's words adress a wisdom that is difficult to achieve, and yet... it's there

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 15:40 | 6740567 Shift For Brains
Shift For Brains's picture

Not bad but I like what the Sufis said on a similar topic, more or less. This is one of those sayings that becomes more profound--and honest--the more you think about it:

"Sometimes returning good for evil is as wrong as returning evil for good."

Real world. I love it. A lot.

 

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:36 | 6739630 SteveNYC
SteveNYC's picture

I just couldn't help myself:

14 Things the Average Full-Time Working Two-Spouse Slaving Middle Class* Family Does Before Breakfast

 

1. Worry about keeping job, as living paycheck to paycheck can inflict this type of stress on a person.

2. Open paper bills, e-bills, app-bills, other bills - put in queue to be paid "if" next paycheck shall arrive. Bookmark all e-payment sites so college, high school, healthcare, phone, internet, mobile, electric, taxes, Netflix, other bills can be direct debited "if" paycheck arrives.

3. Try to catch glimpse of spouse/kids in morning. If up really early, wish a good day to said spouse/kids prior to 1hr + commute.

4. Try to catch up on lost sleep during said commute.

5. Oh fuck it, I'm too depressed to get through the next 10.........

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 12:05 | 6739745 Colonel Klink
Colonel Klink's picture

The One thing that the successful proles do before breakfast.

1. Cut the heads off the parasitic class of corrupt, thieving, billionaires.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 12:21 | 6739811 COL Jackson
COL Jackson's picture

"the head chopping off mechanism/machine..."  - Among the learned in head chopping circles we refer to that as the Guillotine.  Made popular by some effete frenchman in the late 1700s.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 13:59 | 6740181 Kirk2NCC1701
Kirk2NCC1701's picture

Bullshit!  How can they "Spend quality time with family" (#6) before breakfast, if they have all these things to do?  You do one or the other, but not both.  And WTF is "qaulity time with family" before breakfast anyway?

Tell the lying author to look up the meaning of the word 'Bandwidth'.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 14:37 | 6740306 Anonymous User
Anonymous User's picture

This is my morning routine aka passion project, but instead of that cup of coffee most of the times I take a line or two. Directly from that mound of Venus:

http://www.thepornster.com/mobile/watch/462/

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 14:42 | 6740325 slaughterer
slaughterer's picture

Don't billionaires take a crap anymore before they eat breakfast?

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 15:49 | 6740509 FireBrander
FireBrander's picture

If that's what you have to do to "be successful" like "they are"...then fuck that...I'd rather be a loser.

5 Things This Loser Does Before Breakfast:

1. Get up before sunrise and watch it rise.

2. Have a cup of coffee.

3. Make my kids breakfast.

4. Tell my kids I love them as they get on the bus.

5. Have whatever my kids didn't eat for my breakfast.

Oh, I wish I could be like "they" are; so "[suc][cess](pool)ful" and all..

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:02 | 6739471 Normalcy Bias
Normalcy Bias's picture

8. They have their staff make their beds.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 16:34 | 6740795 Winston Smith 2009
Winston Smith 2009's picture

Tyler A. Lechtenberg, director of correspondence for the first lady, $50,000.

Deilia A.L. Jackson, deputy associate director of correspondence for the first lady, $42,000.

Nearly $100k to decide which boilerplate letter to auto-sign in reply and, occassionally, author a reply to the wives of other royals.

That list provides a great illustration of what TJ and many of the other founding fathers didn't want - an imperial presidency.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 20:38 | 6741959 gimme soma dat
gimme soma dat's picture

Which one helps her hide her penis? 

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:11 | 6739522 Renfield
Renfield's picture

15. They ring Janet Yellen to find out the Fed's plan o' the day on interest rate, and whip up their cardio with a little front-running.

16. The super-duper-awesome successful ring Janet Yellen to give her the Fed's interest rate plan o' the day - then whip up their cardio with a little front-running.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:02 | 6739472 WhyDoesItHurtWh...
WhyDoesItHurtWhen iPee's picture

They must eat breakfast pretty late when it gets dark.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:51 | 6739698 Son of Loki
Son of Loki's picture

"Checking the dehumidifer for water," in case it needs to be empty?

 

That's not on the list either.

That's odd.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:03 | 6739475 Hulk
Hulk's picture

Left out "take a dump"

nice side effect from the coffee...

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 14:03 | 6740194 Kirk2NCC1701
Kirk2NCC1701's picture

That falls under "Quality time with family" (#6).

IOW, they all have a whizz or a dump before breakfast.  That's where "drink water" comes in, to help things move along.  And since they all do it, they call it "quality time with family".  Cause nothing says "quality" like a good dump.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:04 | 6739480 Hohum
Hohum's picture

15.  Take out a loan to buy some stocks.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:06 | 6739490 WhyDoesItHurtWh...
WhyDoesItHurtWhen iPee's picture

At a super low rate.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:08 | 6739504 samsara
samsara's picture

"Take out a 0% interest loan to buy stocks"

 

Fixed it for ya

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 12:44 | 6739918 SteveNYC
SteveNYC's picture

Actually, your ZH name is appropriate to describe the state in which a lot of these folks have to exist day to day. Well captured. Comforting to know the Billionaire Breakfast Club, despite their wealth, likely exists in a similar state.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:18 | 6739559 BandGap
BandGap's picture

The radio here in Chicago has ads for a Saturday morning show which "reveals" the secrets of how to do your taxes "like the 1%", essentially highlighting that we are not all created equal.

WTF anymore. Admitting you get out of paying "your fair share" using tax loopholes used by the "1%".

I hate this place.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:05 | 6739483 sodbuster
sodbuster's picture

16. Decide who they are gonna fuck over today.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 14:04 | 6740198 Kirk2NCC1701
Kirk2NCC1701's picture

They call that Vision Engineering.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:05 | 6739484 replaceme
replaceme's picture

They left off putting their pants on one leg at a time and cowbell.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:08 | 6739499 L Bean
L Bean's picture

And bootstraps. Lots of bootstrap pulling.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:05 | 6739486 buzzsaw99
buzzsaw99's picture

15. Guillotine.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 12:02 | 6739732 BudFox2012
BudFox2012's picture

While I might be in the minority here, I would rather see them in prison than dead.

Now, I'm not talking about country club prison, I'm talking a real prison run by a private corporation (that they own stock in) full of MS13 or bloods gang members.  You know, the type of prison where they walk by the weight room and all you hear are whistles and "mmmmm" comments.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 12:17 | 6739785 Renfield
Renfield's picture

But silly rabbit, successful people own the prisons!

http://www.vice.com/en_ca/read/whos-getting-rich-off-the-prison-industri...

(Good morning, George, Henri...)

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:06 | 6739487 Calidreaming
Calidreaming's picture

seems like great advice to me

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:06 | 6739488 Usurious
Usurious's picture

USURY redistributes YOUR wealth to the billionaires........

get it?

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:11 | 6739521 hxc
hxc's picture

If by usury you mean interest... then you understand absolutely nothing about markets.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:07 | 6739494 Itch
Itch's picture

No wanking? 

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:07 | 6739495 L Bean
L Bean's picture

Conspicously missing is "make breakfast". Because of course successful people don't do base things like that.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:09 | 6739507 Bioscale
Bioscale's picture

They already make their beds, no time for breakfast at home.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:10 | 6739520 L Bean
L Bean's picture

Billionaires don't make their own beds.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:25 | 6739578 Renfield
Renfield's picture

15. They check the altar to make sure the servants cleaned up every scrap of blood & entrails from last night's ceremony. If they're hungry again in the morning, it simply means they were not proactive enough at last night's gorging. They learn from their mistakes and place an order for a much larger baby for tonight, then visit one of the kennels in back for a little emergency meat to tide them over.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:23 | 6739586 Normalcy Bias
Normalcy Bias's picture

Their chef makes breakfast...

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 15:01 | 6740415 NeoLuddite
NeoLuddite's picture

Soft boiled quail's eggs in the shell with lightly salted & smoked goyim baby back bacon.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:07 | 6739497 SillySalesmanQu...
SillySalesmanQuestion's picture

I'm sure they suck off a dick or two before breakfast so that when they are called "cocksucker" by their employees later, the title actually rings true...

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:08 | 6739501 pitterrier
pitterrier's picture

Sure.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:08 | 6739506 xrxs
xrxs's picture

1. Steal underpants

2. ?????

3. Profit

 

Love the punchline at the end ZH, LOL

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:11 | 6739523 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

I don't see the baby eating ritual in order to live forever like Soros, Buffet, and Kissenger. Maybe that is breakfast.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:13 | 6739528 L Bean
L Bean's picture

They have a baby-fluid IV in the limo on the way to the bank. Multitasking.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:16 | 6739546 Lostinfortwalton
Lostinfortwalton's picture

You forgot Poppy Bush and the Rockefeller dude with the pointy ears.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:17 | 6739551 L Bean
L Bean's picture

And Murdoch

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:18 | 6739560 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

Too many to name since the bastards never die.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:13 | 6739530 Collapsed_Elast...
Collapsed_Elastic_Pants's picture

15. Eat a baby

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:13 | 6739532 Consuelo
Consuelo's picture

If everyone was successful, no one would be.

 

 

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:13 | 6739534 DirkDiggler11
DirkDiggler11's picture

Before breakfast they feast on an appetizer of fresh aborted baby select appendages. Then they drink a gallon of blood.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:14 | 6739535 Jack Daniels Esq
Jack Daniels Esq's picture

#1 - blowjob - baddabing

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:15 | 6739540 orangegeek
orangegeek's picture

I wake up early to watch porn.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:15 | 6739542 general ambivalent
general ambivalent's picture

Limitless. Just take drugs which prevent sleep and we can have 7 billion billionaires.

Although I guess that means there will be one thousandaire-quadrillionaire ruling it all.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:18 | 6739556 Latitude25
Latitude25's picture

15. Trump: Get a small $1 million loan from daddy.  It has not been easy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7goA_DnGIbU

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:17 | 6739558 Dr. Bonzo
Dr. Bonzo's picture

NOTHING about the morning wood? NOTHING????

Pfffffff.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:43 | 6739669 flyingcaveman
flyingcaveman's picture

Successful people don't leave home with an erection.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:20 | 6739568 Oldballplayer
Oldballplayer's picture

What about the money bath?  When do they take the money bath?

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:20 | 6739571 MrBoompi
MrBoompi's picture

"Successful" people are the ones who mindlessly do their jobs day after day, without complaint, for the benefit of the oligarch class that owns them and their families.  If these successful people bitch about lack of jobs, poor wages, taxes, fascist and corrupt government leaders, false flag attacks, or the fact the world is controlled by ruthless psychopaths, they will quickly be punished into suffering, poverty, or even killed, depending on the seriousness of their offences.  

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:20 | 6739572 MrBoompi
MrBoompi's picture

"Successful" people are the ones who mindlessly do their jobs day after day, without complaint, for the benefit of the oligarch class that owns them and their families.  If these successful people bitch about lack of jobs, poor wages, taxes, fascist and corrupt government leaders, false flag attacks, or the fact the world is controlled by ruthless psychopaths, they will quickly be punished into suffering, poverty, or even killed, depending on the seriousness of their offences.  

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:25 | 6739596 Lostinfortwalton
Lostinfortwalton's picture

Well, there is that.

Mon, 11/02/2015 - 11:21 | 6739573 BandGap
BandGap's picture

Trying to make them appear somewhat human. "Quality time with family", "drink water", what a load of crap.

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