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BLaZiNG SaDDLeS 2015...

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BLAZING SADDLES 2015

 

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Mon, 12/21/2015 - 18:55 | 6950743 janus
janus's picture

ZHealots, correct me if i'm wrong, but this, the twenty first of december, makes for 2015 winter solstices since Christ's birth -- a new record!  we've come a long way from eden to bethleham to golgatha to the north pole to the present.  

when historians of future ages cast their gazes back to this era presently under way, janus hasn't any doubt that many superlatives (superlative pejoratives, mind you) will by them be enjoined in its description.  very much like the sun's phase on this very day, 2015 marks both a nadir and apogee -- a best of worst times, the pivot at that point of inflection, a moment  pock-marked with portent.  

these days are indeed dense with significance.  we luxuriate in manifest material progress while slouching in the weightier matters of wisdom; technology is answering questions we never thought to ask, yet all of technology's novelty and pervasive imposition clutter and congest the soul; such that it, our sublime substance, is suffocated in infancy...never to flourish, much less grow.

we've soldered and solid-stated these marvelous transistors and transmitters, though we haven't since their invention created superior stuff for-to through them broadcast.  and, truly, if the materialist dialectic were truly true, we would've by now had mozarts enough to make Wolfgang seem a modest talent; our stories and epics would be told by shakespeares more sophisticated and subtle and lyric and stirring than the Olde Bard of Avon.  marx taught us that whatever is divine in man is plastic and swells as ease and abundance insulate us from want, expanding in tight correlation to the volume of that abundance.  

alas, experience  augmented by a thoughtful evaluation of that which is evident and empirical instructs us contrarywise -- but not in a didactic fashion.  making sense of mankind and his various feats, tracking the oscillations through his troughs and peaks tends to thinking and equating according to cause and effect; but the understanding of inputs and outcomes in our species is not a discreet science.  in other words, stuffing the world with GMOs, microwave ovens and internal combustion engines does not result in enlightened divinity en masse.   

all of this appraised within the context of Christmas got janus thinkin.

you guys familiar with the tradition where lil chilluns solicit some dubious character named "santa claus" (btw, the name sounds sorta easterly european --  teasingly semitic, if you ask janus...could santa be a crypto jew?) for all manner of goodies and see if their names are written on the "nice" side of his ledger?  it's quite strange, actually.  parents everywhere from the gulf stream waters to the redwood forests will, with near filial devotion, bring their tiny tots to centers of commerce, wait in very long lines bristling with other irritable parents and their fussy/snot-nosed children in tow, develop bunions and anti-social-disorders in the process, only to be rewarded with the pleasure of watching their precious girls and boys sit on the lap of a total stranger in the form of a bloated, odd-looking old man in a red robe and a nose abloom with gin blossoms.  

now, if one is able to divorce his perspective and rational senses from amorica's ridiculous cultural conditioning, you may admit that said custom is, well, bizarre...almost ritualistic in its queer essence.  anyway, it is important you view this "santa claus", his habits, his person and his motives from a distinct, uncontemplated angle in order that you may greet 'the future' with an open mind and enthusiasm.  'the future' will in all probability shock you to your very core; but i'm going to show it anyway.

never wanting to be bested and always finding new ways to out-amorica america, i thought i'd create a brand new ancient ritual by bastardizing a tradition and basing it on something familiar from our common experience; something that, when understood objectively, is fucked up and creepy as can be but somehow through the process of habituation is normalized & customary.  

huzzah to janus! for he has taken your worn-out, stale and insufferably jolly saint nick and refashioned the flatulent, cookie-thieving geezer into something modern, hip and relevant.

leave it to janus to improve on Christmas!

in santa claus there exists the potential for a terrorist par excellance.  when thinking about santa claus dispassionately and with a fresh perspective, the abstract of santa is, in a word, terrifying.  just consider the concept: you've got a bearded slave master lost hopelessly in the seventh century holding a whole trove of midgets hostage, working their tiny little fingers to the bone, traipsing about in a satiny scarlet robe like he's some antique potentate, mystical access to every single humans dossier -- with the most intimate details of our lives highlighted and begging for blackmail -- and, get this, this bastard has easy and open access to every home in the world!  every address a pillowy-soft target...every chimney a vector for disaster.  osama bin laden, eat your fuckin heart out!  

planet earth, allow janus to introduce you to "salafi claus".

somebody say threat level black?...it's a designation we've been reserving for just such an occasion.  a terrorist juggernaut streaking across the sky in the dark of night, landing on your roof and sliding down your chimney.  there is no defense.  abandon all hope.  all is lost.  none more black.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wx6fwfBKCIQ

instead of dolls and toys for girls and boys, those elves will busy their furious little mitts with IEDs, dirty bombs and RPGs all the year long.  the 12 reindeer will be renamed in honor of the imam martyrs.  naughty or nice?  fuck you! have a taste of caliphate!...have you prayed 5 times today facing toward the east and made your confession of faith?  too late!  welcome to allah's snackbar!

his garments dyed red with the blood of infidels, his eyes aglow with the fury of wahabi indignation...salafi claus is coming to town, bitchez!!!

he sees you when you're sleeping; he knows when you'e awake; he knows if you fasted on ramadan; and he'll happily display your severed head on a stake.

now you understand how important the war on Christmas really is. 

and so, as the sun bounces off base-line resistance and rises once again to ascent, i want you all to tremble in fear knowing that salafi claus is near.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v4EFddbHkRo

 

ho-ho-ho,

janus 

 

Mon, 12/21/2015 - 18:43 | 6950710 nmewn
nmewn's picture

So was it my reference to the Vladinator or Steve Harvey? ...lmao! 

Mon, 12/21/2015 - 17:57 | 6950608 the grateful un...
the grateful unemployed's picture

drone, drone on the range

Mon, 12/21/2015 - 16:27 | 6950268 williambanzai7
williambanzai7's picture

Ya you down voting dingleberry, I now up vote everyone just for checking in.

Mon, 12/21/2015 - 16:03 | 6950139 Son of Loki
Son of Loki's picture

Brilliant!

Mon, 12/21/2015 - 15:24 | 6949980 ALANBEEKMAN
ALANBEEKMAN's picture

Pretty funny WB.

Trump and Putin; BFF's.....

Mon, 12/21/2015 - 15:03 | 6949896 SharkBit
SharkBit's picture

Nice. Where is Obozo (the sheriff).

Mon, 12/21/2015 - 15:40 | 6950036 Berspankme
Berspankme's picture

Already shot himself

Mon, 12/21/2015 - 14:01 | 6949627 EBT excepted
EBT excepted's picture

d'Trump to da Putin:

"Dey sayed you was hung"...

da Putin to d'Trump:

"and dey was right"...

Mon, 12/21/2015 - 13:56 | 6949526 Able Ape
Able Ape's picture

Now about Hillary...Do we want a President, a frumpy old lady who from the front looks like an imbecilic chipmunk and from the back looks like a cartoon character from South Park....Jesus Christ, if you have a hard-on for a woman president, go for someone like Kate Upton....

Mon, 12/21/2015 - 14:07 | 6949663 SILVERGEDDON
SILVERGEDDON's picture

Angelina Jolie for President if you want a woman.

Harrison Ford for the male Presidential shoe in.

Anyway, back to reality - The Donald's hair is under done.

Get that entire comb over blowin' in the wind, and he should look like My little Pony.

Which, is how Vlad thinks of him - something to ride hard, and order around - if he was a real player.

Odds are he is paving the way for the bitch from hell.

Mon, 12/21/2015 - 14:16 | 6949708 NeoLuddite
NeoLuddite's picture

Mom always said "Never trust a man with comb-over."

Vanity or pretense?

Mon, 12/21/2015 - 13:35 | 6949494 williambanzai7
williambanzai7's picture

SPACE BUSH

Mon, 12/21/2015 - 13:05 | 6949362 Son of Captain Nemo
Son of Captain Nemo's picture

Trump to Putin talking mutually about "skeletons in the closet"...

Trump to Putin:  Yeah I keep getting peppered with questions about 9/11 and a new investigation as primacy for my bid for the White House..  Got a lot of regrets about the friendship with Larry Silverstein but you know how they are... If they even think you are "thinking" about making a move off "the reservation" they immediately threatin you.  And lets face it we know the "six-sided star"  has nukes in every major cosmopolitan city CONUS/OCONUS that has Western banks in them.  Paranoid motherfuckers... What's a goy to do Vlad?...

Putin to Trump: Yeah Donny I know what you mean.  We thought about jumpin the shark within 2 months of the collapse of twin towers and Building 7 when we furnished information publically about the assets that were in the planning stages of what was coming to Manhattan and D.C..  We knew what Israel was doing but we weren't in a position at that time with our economy and the military to defend our sovereignty to make the moves that we are able to now... Too much risk in 2001.  I feel badly but we simply weren't ready to "bust a move" with the Kike bankers in D.C., London and Tel Aviv and at home in Moscow up our asses. So we sat back, watched, listened and learned...

Putin to Trump:  If I were you Donny I'd make a very public statement when the time is right (and I'll let you know when that should be) to make the announcement for a full fledged investigation of the genuine fact(s) in the collapse of the Tower(s) and Building 7 and that your reasons for doing it are to indict all of the motherfuckers in Washington, Tel Aviv, London and Riyadh that made it possible!

I got your "six" Donny!

Trump to Putin:  Hell Vlad you know I'd eat the peanuts out of your own shit if you snapped your fingers and said "get to work"!!!

P.S.

There is only one set of "man boobs" anyone needs to tolerate and it ain't the Donald!  Good thing you photo shopped the hell out of the picture and with good reason chose not to make your readers have to visualize a "half naked" Donald!...

His poor wife has to put up tonguing those liver spots with a Viagra chaser at least twice a week!!!

Mon, 12/21/2015 - 15:46 | 6950058 alphahammer
alphahammer's picture

 

Putin and Assad walk into a bar...

Bartender yells "Get the fuck out!"

Bada boom.

Mon, 12/21/2015 - 12:58 | 6949336 MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

Blazing Saddles?

Or Twin Peaks?

Mon, 12/21/2015 - 19:58 | 6950945 janus
janus's picture

i suppose we're all consciously abstaining from any 'brokeback' references; and for obvious reasons.

apologies, MsCreant...apologies to everyone.  

just couldn't help myself, but i blame MsCreant.  brokeback was the next and logical advance in the sequence. 

i think i may down-vote myself for this post.

janus

Mon, 12/21/2015 - 22:54 | 6951545 blindman
blindman's picture

it is funny. that's what it's
all about.
.
1953 HITS ARCHIVE: The Hokey Pokey - Ray Anthony (original version) (Jo Ann Greer, vocal)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s_P9PU5FcMQ

Mon, 12/21/2015 - 12:31 | 6949172 the grateful un...
the grateful unemployed's picture

is Putin the Waco Kid? wouldn't Ben Carson be a better fit, I mean aesthetically of course. Carson holding the gun to his own head, "Drop the gun or Obama Gets It!!" hey he is not Obama. A lot of people won't figure that out until the election is over, black voters anyway. Their rate of poverty and unemployment only got worse during Obama's tenure. Well don't give up brothers maybe next time it will work.

Mon, 12/21/2015 - 12:26 | 6949139 Muse minus Time
Muse minus Time's picture

Trump: "Great Beluga Vodka at last night's campfire..DoDah"

Putin: "So we agree to multipolar world order..skol"

Mon, 12/21/2015 - 10:54 | 6948701 GRDguy
GRDguy's picture

Trump was just here in the Phoenix area. Did Putin sneak in for a holiday, too? Looks like some areas off of Bush Road, east of Fountain Hills off the Beeline (89) highway.  Actually, Putin calling Trump "talented" and "colorful" were NOT complements.  Just mistaken translation; Trump was actually insulted.  Khruschev was mis-interpretted when the media quoted "We will bury you."  It was not that they would strike the U.S., it was that they would out-live us.  Very different interpretations.

Mon, 12/21/2015 - 12:16 | 6949101 the grateful un...
the grateful unemployed's picture

yeah but banging your shoe on the table is the universal language. if only K had been wearing a wife beater t shirt the media would have gotten the message. right

Mon, 12/21/2015 - 11:35 | 6948897 opport.knocks
opport.knocks's picture

I agree, Putin was not complimenting Trump at all, "damning with faint praise" is the phrase that comes to mind.

I am sure the Russians know that "the Donald" is just a distraction to make sure other GOP candidates get no media traction and the presidency gets handed back to the Clintons.  So their plans are based on even more extreme foreign policy from the USA.

Mon, 12/21/2015 - 12:23 | 6949128 the grateful un...
the grateful unemployed's picture

Trump offers some relief from presidents who play the bully pulpit over this stuff, DT is more inclined to say "I dont understand what's going on in Syria therefore I won't talk about it," but that's just candidate Trump, and the American people are smart enough to know the decision to put boots on the ground and to fund and aid this or that terror group in the pursuit of regime change or vague cvold war objectives is really not his decision to make. at some point he has to explain THEM to US

Mon, 12/21/2015 - 12:18 | 6949112 Omen IV
Omen IV's picture

Putin was insulting obama  - the real objective

Mon, 12/21/2015 - 12:25 | 6949138 the grateful un...
the grateful unemployed's picture

i would say Trump would be insulting Obama, (Trump is running against Obama so far) and so Putin and Trump appear to be a match. 

Mon, 12/21/2015 - 10:50 | 6948690 Dragon HAwk
Dragon HAwk's picture

Don't waste a Perfectly Good Rope... Guys.

Mon, 12/21/2015 - 10:35 | 6948626 superdave
superdave's picture

Chuck Norris approves of this photo!  What is missing is when both of them turn and give the finger to the Obozzo drone!

Mon, 12/21/2015 - 16:10 | 6950161 GotNuttin'todo
GotNuttin'todo's picture

Putin can do some ass-kickin in Russia, Trump can do some ass-kickin in the US, and Chuck can just do some all 'round ass kickin. When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mother home - THAT'S leadership!

Mon, 12/21/2015 - 10:19 | 6948574 Rubbish
Rubbish's picture

Morning giggles are the best....

 

Gold Bitchez....I pick up pennies

Mon, 12/21/2015 - 10:11 | 6948556 Zero-Hegemon
Zero-Hegemon's picture

The sheriff is a goy! Oh noes...

Mon, 12/21/2015 - 10:01 | 6948520 oddjob
oddjob's picture

We're going need a shitload of dimes.

Mon, 12/21/2015 - 12:56 | 6949326 Flagit
Flagit's picture

Never mind that shit! Here comes Hillary!

Mon, 12/21/2015 - 09:47 | 6948442 Lumberjack
Lumberjack's picture

Is that a sign I see in the bushes with an arrow pointed to this destination?

Mon, 12/21/2015 - 12:25 | 6949137 Lumberjack
Lumberjack's picture

Marshall Matt Dillinov is waiting for the fellas to return with a couple of captured outlaws. A white guy named corzine and his accomplice. After delivery of the goods to the Justice, they will be departing to capture a few more high falooting banksters. Stay Tumed...

Mon, 12/21/2015 - 09:16 | 6948389 TalkToLind
TalkToLind's picture

Excuse me while I whip this out.

Mon, 12/21/2015 - 09:09 | 6948373 ---------
---------'s picture

this one is nice 

Mon, 12/21/2015 - 08:42 | 6948323 Roanman
Roanman's picture

Niether of them knows how to get one broke in the face.

Mon, 12/21/2015 - 08:41 | 6948322 Perimetr
Perimetr's picture

At least Trump is not riding a cute little bicycle wearing tights.

Mon, 12/21/2015 - 16:23 | 6950237 Svendblaaskaeg
Svendblaaskaeg's picture

..and a Helmet, safety first! - Ding-Ding!

Mon, 12/21/2015 - 08:41 | 6948321 stant
stant's picture

It will be called brokeass mountain

Mon, 12/21/2015 - 08:33 | 6948308 harrybrown
harrybrown's picture

Lets hope the sequel isnt brokeback mountain....

Mon, 12/21/2015 - 17:05 | 6950438 tedthecanuck
tedthecanuck's picture

Surely you mean Broke Bank mountain....

Mon, 12/21/2015 - 08:00 | 6948241 tc06rtw
tc06rtw's picture

   
       …  Which twin has the  Toni™ ?
   

Mon, 12/21/2015 - 07:45 | 6948237 nmewn
nmewn's picture

lol...feeling a little mischievous this morning eh Banzai? ;-)

Mon, 12/21/2015 - 08:20 | 6948286 NoVa
NoVa's picture

Hey boys, Lookie what I have here..."

"Where da Wite Womyn at?"

Mon, 12/21/2015 - 08:17 | 6948280 DaddyO
DaddyO's picture

I feel like I'm in some kind of sci-fi time warp...

Who would of thunk that a Russian politico would weigh in on a USSA presidential election?

All in a push to move us into global unity.

Can you imagine the Donald unified with anything but his hair and king sized ego?

DaddyO

Mon, 12/21/2015 - 08:54 | 6948346 Ghordius
Ghordius's picture

"Who would of thunk that a Russian politico would weigh in on a USSA presidential election?"

it's not just any Russian politico. it is, after all, the leader of Russia, one that stood up to American foreign affairs pressure in public view... and even recently reversed one US foreign policy tenet, the "Assad must go"

and believe me, this kind of things did not happen very often, in this millennium

if America pushing in one direction and Russia pushing in a different direction is "a push to move us into global unity", then even phone calls across the Atlantic are such moves

Ukraine's recent multiple loss of territory is, for example, more the opposite of such a "global unity"

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