Don't Panic! "Experts" Agree - This Is Not 2008

Tyler Durden's picture

Submitted by Pater Tenebrarum via,

Experts Agree: It Is Not 2008

If someone were to ask us what year it was, we would probably politely answer that it was 2016, curious to find out whether the inquirer was a) very confused, b) had only recently awoken from a coma and was still unsure of his when-abouts, or c) was a time traveler who got temporarily lost.

In the unlikely case that we should find ourselves unable to remember the year with sufficient precision to ensure a reliable answer, we’d probably consult a calendar. We recently found out that a great many people actually seem to be uncertain about what year it is. Or at least many mainstream media appear to think so, as they have launched an intense awareness campaign.

Specifically, numerous people seem to think it is still 2008. Wish that it were so – we’d be eight years younger. It all started on 24 August 2015, when two publications apparently discovered independently of each other that is was no longer 2008 and decided that this information should be urgently imparted to the rest of humanity. It all started with admonishing its readers to engage in mnemonic exercises so as not to forget:



If you repeat it often enough, remembering it will eventually become second nature…


On the very same day, NPR noted that a number of economists agreed: it was indeed no longer 2008. Incidentally, this was actually a correct estimate, as it was clearly 2015 at the time. It was presumably good though that some reassurance on the point was provided by experts – that is apparently helpful with averting panic attacks:


2-NPR Aug 24 2015

Lay your calendar-related phobias to rest pilgrims!


However, these efforts were evidently insufficient: general confusion about the precise year we are in must have promptly resurfaced in early 2016. In the interest of keeping the general population in the date-loop, USA Today had the following information on its January 8 front page:


3-USA Today Frontpage, Jan. 8 2016

Right on! By this time the arrow of time as measured by the Gregorian Calendar had in fact advanced to 2016…


Inside, the paper assured its readers that once again, “pros” agreed with this assessment. Phew!


4-USA today, Jan 10 inside

Once again, well-informed experts are providing reassurance. What would we do without them?


It turns out that not everybody realized this at once. One day later, the National Interest felt it had to bring its readers up-to-date as well. In hindsight, the photograph it chose to mark the occasion seems somewhat inappropriate:


5-National Interest January-11

Good news true believers! You have not traveled back in time after all! Wrong animal though.


It took another three days for CNBC to catch on, but they needed a Mr. Mather from PIMCO to tell them (PIMCO seems to be running a sideline as a time-keeping company):


6-CNBC - Not 2008-Jan-14

One has to admit that Mr. Mather was quite right: it was in fact already 2016. PIMCO should consider raising his bonus.


Another three days later, editors at the Wall Street Journal began to entertain doubts about the perception of time and date prevailing among the paper’s readers. Better safe than sorry, they must have thought. Someone’s got to tell them!


7-WSJ - Jan-17
The headline seemed to indicate that they even knew why it was no longer 2008. But the sub-header betrays that there were still some uncertainties. As you can see, it says there: “US economy and financial system are in a very different place now”. Wrong! They’re in a different time. Oh well.


By now you’re probably wondering where Bloomberg was while all of this was happening. Did Bloomberg’s editors trust that its readers were aware of what year we are in? It seems they were waiting for an expert study before making a firm pronouncement on the matter. Such a study was finally forwarded to them by Citigroup on January 20:


8-Bloomberg Jan-20a

Instead of urging readers to remember what the current year is, Citigroup seemed to prefer for everybody to forget 2008. This is no surprise, as the bank reportedly suffered a severe dancing accident in 2008. This was rumored to be due to problems with the CEO’s hearing aid. What he erroneously took to be music was actually the sound made by bankers and hedge fund managers falling past his window on the way down.


On the very same day, Business Insider finally decided to consult an expert as well. None other than the famous Nouriel Roubini! If anyone knows for sure what year it is, it is surely he. Not only that, he even had the presence of mind to make a very useful suggestion as to what needed to be done to help those who remained confused – although it should be noted that he himself seemed actually slightly confused about the flow of time:


9-BI, Roubini Jan 20 - government will save us

Roubini appears to believe that the universe has begun to contract – how else are we to interpret his assertion that “it’s not 2008 yet”? Fortunately, his unerring statist instincts still seem to be in perfect working order: Governments will save us!


To make 100% sure that its readers really understood that time had moved on, Bloomberg offered additional commentary on the topic on January 22:


10-Bloomberg, Jan. 22

Good news! At least we know now for sure that there’s no time machine hanky-panky involved. Nothing has traveled back to 2008 for a visit. The time-line is safe! No need to call the time cops – they can stay in the 29th, resp. 31st century for now.


It took about one more week for Barron’s to decide to bring its readers abruptly into the present, which it did on January 30:


11-Barron's Jan 30

It appears from this that Barron’s has also discovered why exactly it is not 2008. We have our own guess actually (don’t take our word for it, do your own due diligence – we could be wrong): the most likely reason is that eight years have passed since then.


It took almost another week for the good news to travel all the way to South Africa, where a local paper advised its date & time-challenged readers on February 5 to keep calm in the face of this monumental discovery:



Or as it says on the cover of the “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”: Don’t Panic!


Finally, on February 10, Citigroup analysts felt sure they had at last found out what year it actually is and immediately informed Bloomberg of their theory. You will recall from further above that they previously were merely certain that it wasn’t the year of the Mazurka accident. Unfortunately, they haven’t gotten it quite right just yet. Perhaps someone should mail them a calendar?


13-Bloomberg Feb-10

Closer, but still no cigar. We are slightly baffled that no-one at Bloomberg thought to tell them that it isn’t 2011 anymore. If you look closely, you will see that Bloomberg itself is evidently aware of what year it is.


The whole thing is a bit of a head-scratcher to be honest. We feel pretty sure that it is 2016, but with so many different papers desperately hammering home the same message, one has to wonder a bit what is going on here. However:


It’s Actually True

A friend has provided us with evidence yesterday that shows convincingly that it is indeed not 2008. The experts have it right! Below you see a chart of the performance of major European bank stocks from the beginning of this year compared to their performance in the same time period in 2008. Clearly, it must be 2016:



European bank stocks, performance in 2016 (dark blue) vs. 2008 (light blue), via Thomson Reuters.



Normally we try to carefully avoid the following phrase due to the costs it reportedly tends to involve, but here goes anyway:

This time is different!


Addendum: More Good News

We are happy to report that it’s not only not 2008 for the markets. It seems Hillary Clinton is no longer stuck in 2008 either. This was discovered by MSNBC on January 16 already. Like the rest of us, she has apparently also arrived in 2016 – and it is said to be worse for her than 2008!



Hillary Clinton has also made the trip from 2008 to 2016… but she may not like it.


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Haager's picture

Is the bounce already over? 

weburke's picture

Also getting in on the action, former drug executive Martin Shkreli tweeted out a letter addressed to West offering to buy The Life of Pablo for $10m so that it would be released solely to him, and kept from the public.

Shkreli is currently being sued over his Wu-Tang album Once Upon A Time in Shaolin, the sole copy of which he bought for $2m.

fx's picture

A few months from now many folks may prey and wish "if it only were like 2008..."!

hedgeless_horseman's picture



In 2008 it was Wall Street.

This time it is global.

I Thank God it isn't local for me...yet.

If you do feel a bit of panic, start here, to feel better.

Pooper Popper's picture

Soon come Mr Hedgeless,,,,,,,,,and its gonna suck!


Durrmockracy's picture

Only group-think can save them now!

Manthong's picture

This not 2008..

This is 1929... and for the same reasons.


Durrmockracy's picture

No... it's not 1929 either.  This will be more like 476 AD and the fall of Rome.

ilion's picture

We were under some substance when we made this:

I hope you all guys are also consuming something because it is not possible to trade these markets sober.

Bay of Pigs's picture

We panicked some folks...

Uchtdorf's picture

It is different this time. This time, we're a year, maybe less, away from getting rid of the barbarous relic. Gold, you say? No, cash. We're being railroaded into a cashless society and the rate at which that will happen is going to speed up. 

One of my favorite lines from Monty Python/Holy Grail is, "Bring out your dead!" In our world, it will be: Bring out your cash. No more hiding the stuff in your mattress.

So stop kidding yourself and start preparing if you've been negligent.

Cadavre's picture

Don't Panic! "Experts" Agree - This Is Not 2008

Sounds like the Cramer has been rehypoyhocated, or cloned by Monsanto. Are those newly minted Cramers the experts the art be talk'n `bout?

Remembering back to 2007. The Cramer was frantic. Prowling round the stage desperately seeking a metaphor.. Then finally, with a folded concerned brow, the light bulb came on and he unashamedly looked into the camera's lens and advised all 4 of his viewing audience to "look beyond the edge of their spreadsheet". That was the creepiest thing me, and the other 3 viewers, ever saw on CNBC.

Well, I did, and all I saw was more spreadsheet and bunches of empty cells.

Sounds like the "experts" wanna open and redeem a gaggle of  immediately exiprey put shorts. Or, the insiders whove been buying back want to redeem before the dog goes belly up.

It appears that, and since, the retail players ain't in the market, the "experts" are shilling to the only remaining constituancy they they have, the HFT chop shops they be vested in.

From here on it all about, and only about redemptions and converting out of the fake markets.

LowerSlowerDelaware_LSD's picture

"...but governments need to act fast"

By getting the hell OUT of the way instead of their standard plan of taxing and regulating everything/everyone to death.

August's picture

>>>This will be more like 476 AD and the fall of Rome.

At last, we'll be returning to our Libertarian roots. 

Who needs government?  Certainly not those of us guided by pure reason alone!

Face facts guys:  human societies require lies and violence, and boy howdy are we going to get them.

DutchR's picture

We have the interwebs now, the fall wil be podcasted..

new game's picture

i'll do my part; baba,  baaaaaaaaaaaaaa. baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

was that a good sheeple baaa? my wife said it sounded pretty good?

plez accept me ,i'm a really good sheeple.

gotta go and buy the fucking dip....

TheReplacement's picture

Layoffs?!?!  Either our guys, our spooks, our mercenaries, or our allies are murdering people hither and yon across the entire globe making the supposed NAZIs look like girl scouts on parade or we are doing that AND framing up our opposition to take the fall.  This is gonna hurt horribly when the boomerang comes home and layoffs will be the furthest thing from anyone's mind. 

If you think Nazi Germany got stomped you aint seen nuffin' yet.

Consuelo's picture



Fear not HH, the long knives are saved in a special DHS drawer, just for those like us once the urban areas have been secured and the livestock sufficiently placated.   Ours will be anything but a dull, lonely existence.



rubiconsolutions's picture

"A few months from now many folks may prey and wish "if it only were like 2008..."!"


The only folks that prey (sic) are the bankers. The rest of us pray.

cynicalskeptic's picture

Those I know that are left working on Wall Street are saying things are going to be FAR WORSE than 2008 hen it all falls apart again - 'when' not 'if'.  

Seems like 'when' is fast approaching.



Hail Spode's picture

This time it is different. In 08 they had road left to kick the can down in the form of QE. Back then they could claim it would help. Now we know. End of the road fishes.

thunderchief's picture

They need a better war to keep pretending things are as good as 2008.

robertsgt40's picture

Agreed.  Its not 2008. More like 1929.

Felix da Kat's picture

The banks are showing better data. But of course. They have dramatically improved their lying skills and willingness ("all for the greater good") to do so. No, it isn't 2008; it is much worse because they have twisted the capitalist-based system into something that it is not. The S&P is now the world's ATM machine. As more cash withdrawals are made, the lower it goes (unstoppably). The bankers have effed it up again.

weburke's picture

someone may want to write about the  rap world business sense, the latest, is the epic fail of kayne west, with shkreli  and the cardash group, scroll down for caitlin and clan in lovely kayne designed clothes !  egad

weburke's picture

here, kayne and his business buddy talk in urban speak about their signing their lives away, there is no chance lawyers didnt take advantage of these guys,   drugs and rap music just lead to this kind of brain.

zeronetwork's picture

No it's not 08 indeed it is 16=2x08.

Dr. Spin's picture

Let's see, 1984 to 2016 = 32 years,

It's 4 x 2008...

silverliberty's picture

I am still waiting for green shouts.

thinkmoretalkless's picture

Hell they are shouting all the time..."the seas are rising!", "Shut down that coal plant a fire up that wind mill!"...."It's too HOT! warming!...."It's too COLD!"....climate change.

open-range's picture

I'm making over $7k a month working part time. I kept hearing other people tell me how much money they can make online so I decided to look into it. Well, it was all true and has totally changed my life. This is what I do...

Yen Cross's picture

  It sounds like videos of you blowing goats in the middle of the Syrian desert, has been profitable.



thinkmoretalkless's picture

Need to change handle to "In Range"

BullyBearish's picture

He who panics last, panics worst...

o r c k's picture

Never panic, but the PM's are doing a high-dive this early AM.

doctor10's picture

This crap keeps on going and going and going until somebody in DC/NYC applies the solution-

Firepower's picture

Relying on NPR market advice is like
The NYT exposing how
The Oligarch .001% Elite
shit downhill.

CPL's picture


medium giraffe's picture

Credit blowout.  Not different, just worse.

CPL's picture

They'll just double down like the other...let's see...2nd doubling down since went and dot.bombed.  This will probably be the 3rd.  Hell, it's not their money they are playing with at the table is it?  They've gone and spent at least 2000 generations worth of other people's labour already, what's another couple million years in the debt spin cycle?

Panic Mode's picture

It's not 2008. It's much fucking worst than 2008.

KesselRunin12Parsecs's picture

My gold is shinier than it's been... wait for it... Since Lehman!


(that pond scum gives it an added lustre)