Introducing The USS Zumwalt - The US Navy's New $4.4 Billion Ship

Tyler Durden's picture

Dear readers, the U.S Navy would like to introduce to you its most technologically sophisticated destroyer to date: The USS Zumwalt.


The USS Zumwalt (designed by Raytheon) is powered by electricity produced by turbines, has guns that can hit targets over 70 miles away, and has a sharp-angled geometric design that apparently makes the 610 foot long ship 50 times more difficult to detect on radar. It also has a state-of-the-art weapon launcher designed to fire missiles for sea, land, and air attacks. All of this for a taxpayer cost of a mere $4.4 billion.

During the testing phase for the ship, a lobsterman told the Associated Press that the vessel appeared to be a 50 to 60 foot fishing boat on his radar.

The ship is set to be formally commissioned in October in Baltimore, and will have a home port of San Diego.


Here is a time-lapse video posted by the Navy showing the ship's initial launch in 2013

See, the defense budget needs to be as large as it is in order to build behemoth warships such as this. The good news is that it will only show up as small fishing boat when sent to the Fiery Cross Reef in order to agitate China.

The only question is how long before this ship also suffers a terminal failure.

Recall that in December one of the Navy's newest ships had to be towed more than 40 miles to port after it broke down less than a month after it was commissioned into service. The littoral combat ship USS Milwaukee, which cost a far more modest $360 million, broke down just days after its was put into service.

For $4.4 billion, the Zumwalt's failure should be truly breathtaking.

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chrsn's picture

Commissioned in Baltimore?  Everybody give that thing some room to destroy!

NidStyles's picture

Sure is pale to be coming from Baltimore....

Supernova Born's picture

If it can rise from the sea, fly and enter Earth orbit it is almost worth it.

813kml's picture

Looks like it was designed by the same guy who did the butt ugly 80s Lamborghini.

Dormouse's picture

Does it have bisexual bathrooms?

Supernova Born's picture

Trisexual. It is that advanced.

J S Bach's picture

It should be called the USS Folly.  One well-placed small nuke will obliterate $4.5 billion in a flash.

zeronetwork's picture

"is powered by electricity produced by turbines"

and turbines run on thin-air generated by Ctrl-P

Shemp 4 Victory's picture

Don't worry, it will automatically right itself on the ocean floor.

Supernova Born's picture

Should the 4.4 billion in stealth technology appear to have failed, there are two inflatable fake propellers on the rear deck.

They deploy like airbags and with the inverted bow make the ship appear to have already capsized.

Overfed's picture

It won't even take a nuke to sink it. Just a shkval or a sunburn.

NoDebt's picture

This far down the thread and I'm already proud of everyone here for their comments.  Fantastic stuff.

Richard Chesler's picture

But.. does it have transexual bathrooms???


ufos8mycow's picture

Every time I see the name of the ship I think it says USS Kumquat

Automatic Choke's picture

ancient joke:    "How do you sink an <insert nation of choice> battleship?"

answer:    "Put it in water".


researchfix's picture

It will become a fjord tiger like Tirpitz.

AbbeBrel's picture

I think there will be great market for these newfangled thangs in Bolivia...

N2OJoe's picture

Totally worth it because when it gets sunk in the opening salvo of WWIII, the enemy will think they only sunk "a 50 or 60 foot fishing boat" and not even realize how easily they sunk the brand new $4,400,000,000.00 Battleship.

zeropain's picture

Or we could send billions of happy meals to the midlle east and see that help more.

TBT or not TBT's picture

The cost per muzztard greased is kinda high so far. Let's see if they can get that number down where it ought to be.

The Saint's picture
The Saint (not verified) zeronetwork May 17, 2016 8:36 PM

The Chinese have probably already stolen the plans and are building their own version with improvements and at 1/10th the cost.

LowerSlowerDelaware_LSD's picture
LowerSlowerDelaware_LSD (not verified) The Saint May 17, 2016 8:41 PM

And made out of cheap, chrome plated, plastic.

Déjà view's picture


Most parts were sourced in China...don't want to piss off $3 trillion worth of toilet paper...errr T-Bill holders?


cheeseheader's picture

Yep, via the clintoon fdn.

Shemp 4 Victory's picture

Then those are some pretty advanced turbines. Other non-nuclear powered ships in the US Navy (A Global Force For Good®) still use the old-fashioned turbines that are powered by burning bales of $100 bills.

Mr. Universe's picture

At least that was a cheap source of fuel...

BlindMonkey's picture

"still use the old-fashioned turbines that are powered by burning bales of $100 bills."


Those are the same turbines as used by the F-35 IIRC.

RafterManFMJ's picture

I read it's only going to be 2 more years before they get Windows 10 finally installed on the F35 gun systems, and then they can test fire them!!

Targeting systems and calibration will be done by 2019.

BandGap's picture

The B-1 and subsequent B-2 bombers cost on average 2 billion each (development cost thrown in).

They can still be shot down by more-or-less cheap surface to air missiles.

roddy6667's picture

A trisexual is somebody who will try anything.

bamawatson's picture

i have to pay for it; buysexual

nuubee's picture

Stealth is dumb at sea.  If the enemy sees a "50-60 foot fishing boat" moving at 50 knots, they're going to know it's not a fishing boat.

Government needs you to pay taxes's picture

But it might also be The Kraken!!!

Carl Spackler's picture

The Russian and Chinese navies are garbage so this destroyer will wipe them clean before they realize it is not a fishing boat.

IndyPat's picture

You were right about one of the navies, anyway.

The one you were wrong about has an iPhone app to shut this puppy off.

They mount the phone right on the bottom of the Frogger, I think.

Snípéir_Ag_Obair's picture

The Russians are the best in the world underwater.

Both they and the Chinese have shore to ship and ship to ship missiles the us can not effectively counter.

Carriers? Great against small countries that can't fight back. rubbish against Ivan.

Which is why none of them are anywhere near Russia.

mkkby's picture

Total fail.  The reason stealth is stupid in a surface ship is because it can easily be tracked from port to where ever it goes. 

Plus, the damn thing is so long and narrow, it looks like a decent wind or wave will topple it right over.  There must be some huge underwater ballast, which means it's probably slow.

No visible deck guns or missile launchers.  When these things "pop up" the radar signature will increase a great deal.  Where is the big phased array radar that would detect incoming planes or missiles?

kgw's picture

That's exactly what I read a few months back: the tumblehome design (no flare in the hull above the waterline) makes for a very tippy canoe...

JohninMK's picture

Its long and narrow for speed, but it does swell out a bit below the waterline.

As you say, once the gun's housings retract the radar signature will reduce. The radar is built into the superstructure, the military like the word conformal.

As to stealth, that may be true for radar at sea level, which will reflect upwards. Put the radar in the sky and the radar return could well increase instead of being reflected into the sea. Sadly for the USS 1000 most of its deadliest incoming will be flying in and even the cruise missiles that are sub launched have 'pop up and look' ability.

Still, think positive, there was lots of profit in that $4.4B and that's what it is all about, not fighting.

otschelnik's picture

Russians best underwater?   Be sure to tell that to the crew of the "Kursk". 

oncemore's picture

sunken by two NATO subs. hmm. Erdogan style.

cheech_wizard's picture

Speaking as someone who earned their dolphins aboard a U.S. nuclear submarine, congratulations to the Military Industrial Complex... you just built the world's most expensive target ship.

Standard Disclaimer:

I'll post the original news clippping when I get a hold of it... (LOL!, was I ever fucking drunk that night)

ClydeCrashcup's picture

Somewhere, in some incipient non-US movie director's future, lies the smash hit: "Sink the Zumwalt!"

Carl Spackler's picture

The Russian and Chinese navies are garbage so this destroyer will wipe them clean before they realize it is not a fishing boat.

Shemp 4 Victory's picture

Made my day. Totally unconnected to reality.

IndyPat's picture

Hope like hell you didn't just sign on and are burping up shit a recruiter fed you.
If you did, I got some really bad news for you squidpup.

Best PLA would be to call your gay drill instructor a fag and get discharged.

You don't wanna become a white-hot fused part of this missle bait.

cheech_wizard's picture

Torpedo in the water... it's fucked.