Stocks Soar After French Press "Confirm" Deutsche Bank Near Settlement With DOJ

Tyler Durden's picture

Seemingly confirming the rumor, Agence France Press reports that Deutsche Bank is nearing a $5.4 billion settlement with the US Justice Department. This has catalyzed another leg higher in Deutsche Bank stock and lifted the whole market as it would appear that unconfirmed sources have 'fixed' the world's most systemically dangerous bank (despite the fact that short-dated counterparty risk is soaring).

Here is the tweet...

And the response in the stock...

 

Which is lifting all stocks...

 

And now AFP is walking back their comment...

  • DEUTSCHE BANK SETTLEMENT MAY BE ANNOUNCED COMING DAYS - AFP

We look forward to the 1605ET denial from The DOJ. Once again we remind readers that Monday is a bank holiday in Germany.

For now, the professionals know exactly what is afoot - anything to slow the outflows of cash... and counterparty risk hedges are soaring...

 

And as a reminder, this is about NIRP tax on capital...

* * *

Naturally, Deutsche Bank has refused to comment on speculation around the level of the DoJ fine.

  • DEUTSCHE BANK DECLINES TO COMMENT ON MEDIA REPORT IT IS CLOSE TO SETTLEMENT WITH DOJ

Which means that should the DOJ make no announcement on Sunday, any buying spree today in DB may promptly turn into another selloff. Making matters worse, with German trading closed for holiday on Monday, only the far more illiquid US tracking stock will be open, which may accentuate any potential selling.

*  *  *

As a reminder, there were "fixes" galore in 2008 and rumors sent Lehman stock soaring over 10% in at least 6 weeks during the last few months...

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SomethingSomethingDarkSide's picture

Everything is so fucking awesome right now, zetus lapetus!

ParkAveFlasher's picture

Gartman almost had you fooled, didn't he?

Squid Viscous's picture

wait, he's been fading his own calls all these years? fucking brilliant!!

MagicHandPuppet's picture

Squiggly lines always go up, eventually!  BUY, BUY, BUY!

Arnold's picture

Every thing is Fine.

http://acronyms.thefreedictionary.com/Fine

 

 

  Feeling Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional

My favorite....

Four chan's picture

you know things are fucked by the doj being forced to cut the fine, if thats even true.

Mr. Kwikky's picture

Yep the boat has a lot of punctures..let's call it Titanic day

Mister Ponzi's picture

German trading will be open on Monday despite a bank holiday. Trading will traditionally be very thin.

Vampyroteuthis infernalis's picture

Yes, slip a little money to the media then burn the shorts. Another ahem..... honest day of work ........ for banksters.

Save_America1st's picture

and the Crimex scumbags use it as a perfect opportunity to let loose the Monkeys to crush paper gold and silver...

so BTFD, bitchez and keep stackin' that phyzz!

SafelyGraze's picture

this will obviously become a talking point in the next debate.

the doj has become "political"

just like the fed has become "political"

puh-leeze

they are just doing their job to maintain zee stability

DT is rapidly becoming a conspiricer.

probably reads fringe blogs.

 

remain calm's picture

All is well. 53 trillion in dirivatives perfectly exposed and and risk is minimal. System is as stable as a nuclear power plant with a single copper wire providing electricity to the cooling units

stocktivity's picture

It's all Bullshit!!!   Did anyone here on ZH really think they were going to let Douche panic sell into a 3 day German weekend? I didn't think so.

whisperin's picture

Hmm, don't be surprised if they close the doors on the fools this weekend and it goes tits up as everybody bought the " it's all good" shit story of today.

Just saying be careful.

Doom Porn Star's picture

Since when do criminals get to dicker over their sentances?

This is the equivalent to a murder saying:

"Nah, even though you've found me guilty of killing them; I have too many things I wanna do to sit in a cell that long..."

And the Judge responding: 

"Yeah, 60 years is too long for a guy to park: let's call it 20 and we'll let you go sooner with good behavoir."

TheRideNeverEnds's picture

Fading your own calls is known as The Costanza Strategy; it is very effective.

philipat's picture

So if I understand this correctly, DB has a market cap of about $14 Billion and now the US will "only" penalise about $ 5 Billion. Meanwhile, DB has about EUR 42 TRILLION of Derivatives.

Everything is awesome....

Squid Viscous's picture

and a trillion of "debt" according to Liz Clam-hole

philipat's picture

Nice Tits, though? The only redeming feature agreed.

abyssinian's picture

Wow, Great news!  $10 billion lesser fine for their fraud would atucally save this bank! ? lol I wonder if the DOJ gives them $2 billion in rewards will DB stocks go to $50? lol

nibiru's picture

Your math is correct! If 51% of their bets in derivatives go under - we will finally have a karma returning with a bitchy attitude and wrecking havoc.

 

There is interesting theory to put DB under before investigation into gold/silver fix manipulation yields any names.

http://independenttrader.org/deutsche-bank-admits-rigging-metals-market.html

Winston Churchill's picture

Yes, my calculator doesn't have enough decimal places to work out their solvency on the "acid test".

Next up: Elon Musk is developing an electric unicorn that eats globull warming..

philipat's picture

With a raindow and Government funding?

AsinineBovineFeces's picture

Ooh! I hope he takes that public! I'd hate to leave all those profits for private venture capital :D

Doom Porn Star's picture

It's being co-developed by Apple and it's called the iCoolnicorn.

Bush Baby's picture

Isn't it amazing what 9 billion can fix? lol

KickIce's picture

What investors fail to realize is that this move frees up 9 billion for executive bonuses.

MFL5591's picture

Goddamn joke of this economy by these criminals!

GUS100CORRINA's picture

WE ARE WITNESSING AN UNPRECIDENTED LEVEL OF "EVIL" IN PLAY. AMERICAN POLITICS STERRED BY THE DEMOCRATS ARE MOST PROBABLY BEHIND THIS ACTION.

THE REAL PROBLEM IS CENTERED AROUND DEMONIC INFLUENCE NOW IN PLAY AT HIGHEST LEVELS OF GOVERNMENT AND FINANCIAL LEADERSHIP. WE ARE DEALING WITH DESPOTS WITH REPROBATE MINDS WHO ARE WORKING A BIGGER "SATANIC" AGENDA.

ISAIAH 5:20 .... WOE TO THOSE WHO CALL GOOD EVIL AND EVIL GOOD ... 

NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO THE NEAR TERM FUTURE IF THIS IS JUDGMENT FROM GOD.

Phat Stax's picture

Quarter-end window dressing...

 

Then the next two weeks it'll be earnings season.

 

etc. etc.

Hitlery_4_Dictator's picture

We can never win on earth.....onward to the NWO we go

FreeShitter's picture

Just chip us already and take our guns ;)

SomethingSomethingDarkSide's picture

Was this not THE FASTEST turnaround on a market saving development yet?

From fine, to markets falling, to FOMC members talking stock purchases, to reduction in fine - they used to give enough fucks to display a facade.

Now the facade has fallen over and the man behind the curtain is flipping us all off and saying 'get fucked'.

FreeShitter's picture

This was pretty remarkable and so was brexit.....but when you have unlimited fiat with CTRL-P  nothing should surprise ya.

PAWNMAN's picture

Was saying all along that DB's 100 Billion capital imbalance is chump change in the Keynesian nightmare we're living in. Lagarde probably has that much in her underwear drawer. Wait until you see the rally when a bailout is announced!

Bay of Pigs's picture

Indeed. The short sellers have been crucified since 2009.

And the bond vigilantes are at the bottom of the ocean.

gimli's picture

They just needed a reason to paint the end of the 3rd quarter

with pretty colors.

DavidC's picture

My thoughts exactly. I was just about to post a comment and read yours. End of month, end of quarter, I reckon there'll be a sell off towards the end of the day.

DavidC

Raffie's picture

Since the global disaster has been avoided, time to put all my money into stocks and DB as well.

Glad that world is fixed for another 50 years.

That was a close call.

nibiru's picture

James Comey just lost his award for the most crooked justice official.

hedgeless_horseman's picture

 

Sell Zee Rip You Fucking Idiot