Hillary Voters Ate Their Feelings On November 9th - Cheesecake Orders Surged 72%

Tyler Durden's picture

On Novemer 9, 2016, America's pampered, Hillary-supporting snowflakes chose to express their complete devastation in a variety of ways.  Some took to the streets to riot and burn down entire city blocks of private property...


...Lena Dunham, in a letter entitled "Don't Agonize, Organize," gave us excruciating details of how she simply lay in the shower "crying," "mumbling incoherently" and "clutching herself"...which is way more than any of us needed to know.

By the time we'd made it over the bridge, a friend called. "It's over," she said. "I love you." I was frozen. We stopped at the diner. No one was speaking as they ate, no one in the whole place.


At home I got in the shower and began to cry even harder. My boyfriend, who had already wept, watched me as I mumbled incoherently, clutching myself. "It wasn't supposed to go this way. It was supposed to be her job. She worked her whole life for the job. It's her job."

Lena Dunham


Still others wandered aimlessly in the Arizona desert on shroom-induced "vision quests" seeking guidance from the "big red rock"...oh wait, that was Lena Dunham too.  Oh well, you get the idea.



Finally, new evidence from the calorie counting app, Lose It!, and meal-ordering app, Caviar, suggest that the majority of America's disaffected millennial democrats simply lay in bed eating their feelings. 

According to the CEO of Lose It!, the number of active users going to the gym on the Wednesday after election day this year declined by over 4x the typical mid-week decline.  Per Bloomberg:

So they did what Americans do best: They ate. And ate. And ate.


Lose It!, a calorie counting app that helps users track their daily food intake, says there’s always a Tuesday to Wednesday drop-off of active users, as dieters lose motivation they had earlier in the week. (Ever notice how the gym is always more crowded on Monday?) But something funny happened the Wednesday after Election Day. The drop-off rate was four times as much as usual.


“There was definitely a post-election slump,” said Charles Teague, chief executive officer of Lose It!. The company doesn’t record its users' political leanings, but it says 75.8 percent are female and 77 percent are aged from 18 to 44—demographics that swung to Clinton.

Meanwhile, meal-ordering app Caviar, which operates in 15 urban markets like Boston, New York and Seattle that all swayed massively towards Hillary, said that orders of cheesecake, pie and ice cream surged 72% the day after Hillary lost.

Meanwhile, orders for desserts such as cheesecake, pie, and ice cream were up 72 percent on Caviar, a meal-ordering app operating in 15 urban markets, including Boston, New York, Dallas, and Seattle. Clinton also carried cities with 50,000 residents or more with a strong margin, even in deep-red Texas.

On the bright side, unintentional pregnancies collapsed in the days following November 8th.

Eating Feelings

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Clock Crasher's picture

Red Pills are fatal at this point

Cheese Cake a no-brainer

peddling-fiction's picture

Strong sunlight melts snowflakes.

CheapBastard's picture

Clinton, Biden and the DNC are still clueless as to why they lost the election. It's really incredible. Read this full article and read Biden's words; how can anyone be so clueless?




Stuck on Zero's picture

A friend of mine said he couldn't imagine female Hillary supporters getting any fatter or uglier.

Koba the Dread's picture

It's a stretch to imagine her supporters fatter and uglier but have your friend try harder. Then he'll truly understand what we have avoided.

goldandsilverguy's picture

WOW!   This is excellent news.  Perhaps in 8 years these snowflakes will be so fat they can't make it to the polls to vote.  Hoooray!

Chupacabra-322's picture

They probably stayed up all night smelling each other's cheese Farts.

CuttingEdge's picture

'Tis only a matter of time before reality dawns on the absolute hopelessness of their situation, the stress becomes emotionally too great, and "snowflakes" start turning into "slushies".

Great popcorn till then, though.


MalteseFalcon's picture

My boyfriend, who had already wept, watched me...

Stopped reading there.  Fake news.

Beowulf55's picture

Nay........they will just become easier targets in the collapse when they can't even get off the couch to defend themselves......


and maybe even a good source of food for zombies with their well marbelized meat......



DownWithYogaPants's picture

I was shocked when I read the article.  There is actually a guy who would fuck Lena Dunham.

Killdo's picture

I think gay men turned out to be the most militantly pro-Hitlery and the easiest to manipulate of all. The dumbest demographic of all

hxc's picture

So pathetic. Some of the worst examples of the politically brainwashed. There are a few chill homo's out there though, pervs though they are imo.

AVmaster's picture

OH, they know alright.

They just pretend that the problem will go away on its own...

Dormouse's picture

Exactly, THEY KNOW WHY THEY SUCK, but it's so devastating they can't possibly admit it. They worked so hard to coalesce their Confederacy of Dunces, it's easier to just rile them up than "change" themselves. The mental illness was already turned up to 11, in the next year we will see it go off-peak high. And the glass ceiling will shatter and rain down from the resonance.

buttmint's picture

...who the fuck is Lena Dunham?

bfellow's picture

She's the aggressive, overbearing dyke who's one regret in life was not having an abortion. My one regret is that her mother also didn't have an abortion.

Troy Ounce's picture


Her mother could have swallowed her.

BarkingCat's picture

I think her father dumped the load in her mother's ass but some of it leaked out and travelled into the vigina.

Explains why she's such a shit for brains moron.

BabaLooey's picture

"On the bright side, unintentional pregnancies collapsed in the days following November 8th."

On the brighter side, intentional pregancies soared on the conservative side in the days following November 8th.

"THAT .....................was fucking amazing! Literally and ....." - exclaimed one Trump female married voter.

"I voted - and now I have a voter bun in the oven!" said another Trump-potion recipient.

"We did it in our soon to be renovated Prep bunker!" said a flushed female

jeff montanye's picture

i recently spent a little time on mdb's website and it occurred to me that maybe zero hedge gets mdb like comments on the other side (harder to see when mdb is by him/herself; when it's mostly like that though, it has a different feel).

i see you have four upvotes and no downs. but those last two lines seem reverse mdbish, with the use of "potion" a likely tell. or cape flourish done with the vitals particularly close to the bull's horns.  depending.

well done.  snuck past the lion in his den.  had to upvote you but comment too.

or, since it's all in quotes, is this further satire on lisa, et. al.?

gyres within gyres.


Skiprrrdog's picture

Let them eat Hyena Rodent Clintons dick that has been dipped in sand and broken glass...

Clock Crasher's picture


Let them eat M.E. HRC induced blow back

Chupacabra-322's picture

Let them eat Big Trump Cock for the next eight years. However, like their Hero Obama, they might like it instead.

Sokhmate's picture

Let them eat Hyena Rodent Clintons clitoris


(Hyena clitoris is 7 inch long, and is also the birth canal)

drendebe10's picture

And don't forget the get outta jail free criminal's probably dried up withered "beef curtains".   Yech

Kidbuck's picture

It's perhaps pertinent when considering Hillary voters that the US government recently funded a study to discover why lesbians are fat.

Croesus's picture

The exact results that I would expect from Cankles supporters (which are: bull dykes that look like Pete Rose in drag, prancing queers, and special snowflakes).

Clock Crasher's picture

what scares me is that some of the 40M that supported HRC enough to go vote are not Millennials.  That means some are parents... that spawned and infected their off spring with ignorance-invincibility.  Lots of cultural/educational damage done to the country.  Can we survive?  If so, how?

jeff montanye's picture

let's be real for just a minute.  hillary had the support of the vast majority of zionists, banksters, their controlled media, the military industrial security complex and a fair slug of the rest of corporate america, not to mention the establishment republican national party featuring the bushes, romneys and mccains.

my wild hope is that trump is seeming to be more clintonite/zionist now to survive until he has the reins of the presidency with its somewhat safer environment (just maybe on that too), and then between putin and the people that voted for him he will come to see the need purge the zionist oligarchs (like putin did to a considerable extent), bring the rule of law to the banksters, and transparency of some sort to the u.s. government.

busting 9-11 is the best way but it must be done elegantly or the mossad will just kill him and damn the consequences; they are that strong.



LibertarianMenace's picture

"ignorance-invincibility" is too generous, more like stupidity-invincibility. The invincibility is the reason they're stupid. For reference, see ZH's proggie barflies. All invincibility, all stupidity, and all despite claims to the contrary of an "education".

So the 40M or more with this affliction are not curable by politics of any kind, they're mentally deranged. Sadly, it's only economic disaster that can, in short order, permanently sort wheaties from chaff.

TeamDepends's picture

(on knees) Please Tyler, for the love of God, no more pics or mention of Lena Dunham. It is a pox upon all Americans, that we somehow produced this syphilitic pusbag. There is no safe space safe enough to retreat to once she enters your mind.

Miffed Microbiologist's picture

I don't understand why he/she/it is popular. Watching sea cucumbers go through their day is more fascinating.

If we are to endure the next 4 years listening to their drama I think I'm going to lose it. Can't we pack them all on a drone and hope the Chinese pick them up? Or maybe ISIS? When are they going to Canada? I will donate money for airfare.


Save_America1st's picture

Haven't you all heard?  It finally completed it's transition into Lenard Dunham....that's why it looks that way.

scoutshonor's picture

Ha, we don't have to listen to them anymore--that was the main point of this past election.  It takes some getting used to after the past 20 years.  For all parties, but give it a try--start speaking your mind.  It feels great.

dogfish's picture

This data might be skewed,how many of them cheesecakes did Michael Moore eat.

neutrino3's picture

Agree. This ... ummmm ... thing is not a dick product. Rather made by axe.

Clock Crasher's picture

I want to stuff my face with maximum cheese cake every time

<<< Vix approaches single digits

<<< Silver approaches (closer) to single digits

Vote now!

Publicus's picture

We will crush them starting 2017. Techies will be homeless on the streets.

indio007's picture

They aren't techies. The are users that don't know how the shit actually works.


CheapBastard's picture

When you see how brainwashed and clueless even full professors are like the married he-he couple from Hunter College (Goldstein and Lassner), you realize how screwed up an entire generation or two exists in this nation.

And then there's all the kids's brains they infect.

Mr. Universe's picture

Exactly, these two are an example of the product of social engineering. Now they can not only indoctrinate the young child in their care, but thousands of other young minds searching for answers. Instead they get sent to "Pleasure Island" and eventually are turned into the the braying Jackasses you see running around today.

peddling-fiction's picture

+1 "They aren't techies. The are users that don't know how the shit actually works."


I can add that they do not know the world, nor who really rules the world.

scoutshonor's picture

O/T but got to say, I miss dos 8.22

indio007's picture

Becuase he enjoys editting autoexec.bet to get his soundblaster 16 to work correctly.

I used to love how some modems hard coded the IRQ and it always conflicted with the ps/2 mouse.

Frozen mouse everytime you dial out to your ISP.

Good times.....    :(


Consuelo's picture



'Good times' were rec.arts.erotica on a WYSE 30...






Dave Thomas's picture

Don't forget running memmaker.exe over and over again so you could play aces of the pacific.

And don't forget alt.sweedish.chef.bork.bork.bork