On Novemer 9, 2016, America's pampered, Hillary-supporting snowflakes chose to express their complete devastation in a variety of ways. Some took to the streets to riot and burn down entire city blocks of private property...
— Mike Bivins (@itsmikebivins) November 9, 2016
...Lena Dunham, in a letter entitled "Don't Agonize, Organize," gave us excruciating details of how she simply lay in the shower "crying," "mumbling incoherently" and "clutching herself"...which is way more than any of us needed to know.
By the time we'd made it over the bridge, a friend called. "It's over," she said. "I love you." I was frozen. We stopped at the diner. No one was speaking as they ate, no one in the whole place.
At home I got in the shower and began to cry even harder. My boyfriend, who had already wept, watched me as I mumbled incoherently, clutching myself. "It wasn't supposed to go this way. It was supposed to be her job. She worked her whole life for the job. It's her job."
Still others wandered aimlessly in the Arizona desert on shroom-induced "vision quests" seeking guidance from the "big red rock"...oh wait, that was Lena Dunham too. Oh well, you get the idea.
Finally, new evidence from the calorie counting app, Lose It!, and meal-ordering app, Caviar, suggest that the majority of America's disaffected millennial democrats simply lay in bed eating their feelings.
According to the CEO of Lose It!, the number of active users going to the gym on the Wednesday after election day this year declined by over 4x the typical mid-week decline. Per Bloomberg:
So they did what Americans do best: They ate. And ate. And ate.
Lose It!, a calorie counting app that helps users track their daily food intake, says there’s always a Tuesday to Wednesday drop-off of active users, as dieters lose motivation they had earlier in the week. (Ever notice how the gym is always more crowded on Monday?) But something funny happened the Wednesday after Election Day. The drop-off rate was four times as much as usual.
“There was definitely a post-election slump,” said Charles Teague, chief executive officer of Lose It!. The company doesn’t record its users' political leanings, but it says 75.8 percent are female and 77 percent are aged from 18 to 44—demographics that swung to Clinton.
Meanwhile, meal-ordering app Caviar, which operates in 15 urban markets like Boston, New York and Seattle that all swayed massively towards Hillary, said that orders of cheesecake, pie and ice cream surged 72% the day after Hillary lost.
Meanwhile, orders for desserts such as cheesecake, pie, and ice cream were up 72 percent on Caviar, a meal-ordering app operating in 15 urban markets, including Boston, New York, Dallas, and Seattle. Clinton also carried cities with 50,000 residents or more with a strong margin, even in deep-red Texas.
On the bright side, unintentional pregnancies collapsed in the days following November 8th.