California Man Arrested, Charged With Driving Under The Influence Of Caffeine

Tyler Durden's picture

Submitted by John Vibes vis,

38-year-old Joseph Schwab has been fighting a DUI for over a year, despite the fact that he was not under the influence of any illegal drugs at the time, he did, however, test positive for caffeine.

The Guardian reported that Schwab was pulled over last August by an officer who accused him of driving erratically.

Schwab was driving home from work when he was pulled over by an agent from the California Department of Alcoholic Beverage Control, who was driving an unmarked vehicle. The agent said Schwab had cut her off and was driving erratically. The officer claims that Schwab cut her off and she gave him a breathalyzer which showed a blood alcohol content of 0.00%.

Unfortunately, the officer was still not convinced. So, she arrested him and took him to jail so his blood could be drawn for other drugs. His blood tests came back negative for all illegal drugs. But he did test positive for caffeine. For some reason, this was enough to charge Schwab with a DUI.

“I’ve never seen this before; I’ve never even heard of it.” Stacey Barrett, Schwab’s attorney said.


“I have not been provided with any evidence to support a theory of prosecution for a substance other than caffeine at this time. Nor I have received any statements, reports, etc documenting any ongoing investigation since the [toxicology report] dated 18 November 2015,” she added.


“No one believed me that I only had caffeine in my system until I showed them the lab results. I want the charges to be dismissed and my name to be cleared,” Schwab said.

The California legal code specifies that a “drug” is any substance other than alcohol that could impair a person’s driving, but there is no precedent for caffeine negatively affecting a person’s ability to drive. In fact, it is quite the opposite as caffeine is marketed in gas stations across the country as increasing alertness while on the roadways.

Jeffrey Zehnder, a forensic toxicologist interview by the Guardian, believes that the case against Schwab is extremely weak.

“It’s really stupid, If that’s the case, then they better come and arrest me,” Zehnder joked, adding that, “There are no studies that demonstrate that driving is impaired by caffeine, and they don’t do the studies, because no one cares about caffeine.”

What this case illustrates is the arbitrary nature of the state to use any reason possible to find a person guilty. The police state has claimed a right to search your most private property — your own blood. And, whatever they find inside it — can and will be used against you in a court of law.


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spastic_colon's picture

i thought CA seceded already

DeadFred's picture

Feels like it sometimes. I don't recognize this place anymore

BabaLooey's picture

MORE proof that the ENTIRE "justice" system IS A BIG STEAMING PILE OF SHIT

fx's picture

They should declare the election void in CA then as well. At least we know now why so many snowflakes and 2nd- and 3rd class celebs and other morons keep voting for Dems and Killary over there no matter what. It's the special California caffeine, stupid!

Whoa Dammit's picture

Batshit Crazy is a hell of a drug.

Holy hand grenade of Antioch's picture
Holy hand grenade of Antioch (not verified) Whoa Dammit Dec 28, 2016 9:22 AM

Must have had a MAGA bumper sticker on the car

Stainless Steel Rat's picture
Stainless Steel Rat (not verified) Holy hand grenade of Antioch Dec 28, 2016 9:32 AM

This officer needs to be famous, can we help her?

Ghost of Porky's picture

Can we put her under citizen arrest for driving under the influence of estrogen?

Manthong's picture

Few people realize how great the illicit drug biz in the US is nowadays.

I don’t really pay attention to the dynamics much now.

I just spend most of my time mentally hovering over the NYC Trump Tower.


If Juan Valdez was still around, I might get more altitude.

Just kidding  :-D


OT ........does anybody else out there hate Windows 10 as much as I do?


Talk about bloated, inefficient code



Skateboarder's picture

Today I had to uninstall and reinstall the network adapter driver to get a connected-to-WiFi-but-no-Internet case resolved on someone's laptop. So yeah...

Win 10 is a criminal. It should be given a DUIS for operating machinery under the influence of stupidity.

AVmaster's picture

I work in tier1 support.

Everytime MS releases any kind of update to win10 it's like a bull in a china shop, the latest trend is to recommend a rollback to 7. We've heard of guys running out to storage for old dell/hp win7 key stickers so that they can slipshot the license into a win7 install build.


It's starting to get rough out there.

Cynicles's picture

The focal point of windows 10 was increased spying on users.

The end user gained nothing positive. 

Maynard G. Krebs's picture

Windows 10 is the reason I switched to a Mac

I have had my fill of MS crap

A L I E N's picture

Like crApple is any better lol.  Linux FTW

DisasterCapitalist's picture

My theory on Mac users are that they 1) dont understand what a walled garden is 2) buy apple cuz its what the cool kids do 3) did NOT buy it for the nix. (Likely hav no idea what BSD is). 

In other words, its not a well-informed choice, generally.

Nylsaar's picture

"Ethernet" does not have a valid ip address.   -Windows 10 update

DisasterCapitalist's picture

You lose NOTHING by moving to any Linux distro now. I mean,  if I need a good ass whipping I can get that on Backpage. Dont need windows. You can even run Eve online on linux now, no emulation. So why in the world?  I really cant feel sorry for this kind of bizarre behavior anymore. From now on, I will use the Thai response "up to you". And then later "som nam na" ( roughly, your own damn fault). 

Randy Bobandy's picture

archlinux + i3 window manager = efficient :)

JuliaS's picture

Once you start with a conclusion (or a conviction) and work your way backwards finding an excuse is easy. Likewise with Global Warming and Russian hacking. If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail

Creative_Destruct's picture

"What this case illustrates is the arbitrary nature of the state to use any reason possible to find a person guilty."

Draw blood and if free testosterone or estrogen is present, AWAY with us.... the ultimate in arbitrary state criminalization  of everyone....EXCEPT some of the "oppressed" asexual LGBTQs....

PhilofOz's picture

This Michelle Ott?..... MADD Awards ABC Agent Michelle Ott Posted on June 2, 2015 by 

Congratulations to CSLEA Member and ABC Agent Michelle Ott who earned  a Hero Award by Mothers Against Drunk Driving ­ (MADD) for her efforts to save lives by enforcing alcoholic beverage control and driving under the influence (DUI) laws.

Agent Ott is assigned to the Bay Area Field Enforcement Office, covering Alameda, Contra Costa, San Francisco, San Mateo and Solano Counties.

In 2014,  she made 54 arrests for crimes related to underage drinking, which included:

  • violations of selling alcohol to minors,
  • minors possessing alcohol,
  • and minors possessing false identification.

36 arrests for other alcohol-related crime, including:

  • public drunkenness
  •  and sales to intoxicated patrons occurring at and around ABC licensed businesses.

And 7 arrests for DUI on the highways.

“I am honored to receive the Mothers Against Drunk Driving Hero Award on behalf of the Department of Alcoholic Beverage Control.  Every DUI arrest makes our streets safer and this is just one way our agency makes a positive difference in our communities,”  said Agent Michelle Ott.      

“There’s no question in my mind that this type of enforcement makes us all safer,” said California Statewide Law Enforcement Association (CSLEA) President Alan Barcelona.  “Congratulations to Agent Ott for her dedication to public safety and for receiving the MADD Hero Award.  Too many lives are damaged or cut short by DUI and underage drinking.”

 “ABC agents see, first-hand, on a daily basis the dangerous things that can  happen when ABC laws are broken,” said California Alcoholic Beverage Control Agents (CABCA) President and CSLEA Board Director Kevin Highbaugh.  “Our agents work throughout the day, night, weekends and holidays out on the streets, undercover inside bars and  restaurants and at entertainment venues to curb underage drinking, DUI, illegal drugs and weapons, gang and illegal gambling activity.  In many cases we work with  local law enforcement officers to improve the quality of life in their communities.  Congratulations to Agent Ott for her work in 2014 and her continued work this year.”

The officers recognized with the MADD California Hero Award are experts in the field of impaired driving enforcement. They are leaders in the department in arrests, prevention efforts, and training. Over 140 officers (statewide) were recognized for the efforts over the last year and we believe that all of the officers have certainly saved lives by removing impaired drivers from California’s roads,” said Aaron Wade, MADD California Law Enforcement Specialist.

A Nanny Moose's picture

DAMM - Drunks Against Mad Mothers...hic!!!

California Department of Alcoholic Beverage Control - Who knew they had the authority to pull over, and arrest drivers?

The moar laws there are, the moar criminals there will be.

Maynard G. Krebs's picture

Cali-Corn-Ya, where truth is stanger than fiction!

You couldn't make this stuff up!

Erwin643's picture

You keep refering to "MAGA." What is MAGA?

booboo's picture

Make America Great Again

El Vaquero's picture

Now that this has made the press, it will probably be dropped, but SOP for shit like this is to wait until the last minute and then dismiss, putting the guy through hell.  If the guy pleas out to anything, including jay walking, then it makes it difficult for him to come back and sue.  Just once, when the time comes around that the DA wants to dismiss at the last minute, I'd love to see "Objection!  I want jeopardy attached."

Tall Tom's picture




How about, "Objection!!!  I demand a jury trial under the Sixth Amendment to the US Constitution. If you do not give me one then you are under arrest for PERJURY because you swore an oath under PENALTY OF PERJURY to defend the Cpnstitution of the United States, and, as Perjury is a FELONY in the state of California, and, as I, being a citizen of the state of California, can affect said arrest when a Felony is committed in my presence, and, as there will be prima facie evidence that the felony has been committed with a subsequent dismissal of this case, then I will arrest you,"???


Of course I'd arrest that ABC BITCH as she swore the same oath. And I'd arrest the Prosecuting Attorney for both Perjury as he swore the same oath along with subornation of a perjurious witness which is a felony..


The best defense is a good offense and I'd want to absolutely and totally humiliate them in front of a jury... That CUNT, abused this man because he cut her off in traffic, and, under color of authority, abused her powers of arrest. SHE NEEDS TO BE CAGED.


And WHEN that fails that is when I will be convinced that there is no Rule of Law..

scaleindependent's picture

Ist that what it takes to convince you that we no longer live under the rule of law?

I think you may have learned that in the  2002-2008 period.  

UmbilicalMosqueSweeper's picture

Try that in an Admiralty court, and they will put you in the nuthouse for a psych eval.  You have no rights once you cross the bar onto the "captain's ship."

Killdo's picture

I read in this book written by a former US olympic doctor that caffeine can case some peopel to do allkinds of drunk-like stuff - it's individual, caffeine affests different peopel differently. It causes miscarriages, there were studies on chuldren in Columbia that proved that when children stop drinking coffee (apparently they do drink coffee in Columbia) - after a month or so their IQ increases 20%. It affects clear thinking and many other things. A doctor at UCLA managed to get rid of prostate cancer by removing all caffeine from diet etc - the only reason we don't hear about this more is because Starbucks and other companies who sell it are so powerful (all business models based on addictions seem to be profitable). 

Coffee si bad for everyone, but especially women (because of their size and the fact that they have no balls - that's where the backup for adrenal glands is apparently). 

I used ot drink a lot of cofffee and stopped after reading this book - after about 3 weeks I started feeling 10 years younger and my thinking dramatically improved. htey say one cup of coffee reduces boodflow to your brain by 30% or so -

BarkingCat's picture

Maybe if you go back to caffeine, your spelling will improve.

Radical Marijuana's picture

Well, Killdo, since caffeine does have a fatal overdose, it is reasonable to expect that chronic low doses may have harmful effects.

One of the most interesting questions to ask about any "drug" is what does and overdose do? The vast majority of drugs have fatal overdoses. There are relatively few that do not. However, the ulterior evil purposes of the "War on Drugs" have resulted in collectively living inside Wonderland Matrix Bizarro Worlds, where everything is publicly presented in the most absurdly backward ways which are humanly possible. Therefore, in general, the pharmacological FACTS regarding different "drugs" tend to be the OPPOSITE to the laws and regulations which apply to those various "drugs."

Hence, hemp, the single best plant for people, for food, fiber, fun and medicine, was re-branded as "marijuana, which is almost as bad as murder," despite the FACTS that marijuana has NO possible fatal overdose.

Cannabis vs Coffee: Which is Safer, a Cup of Coffee or a Puff of Weed?


The underlying problems with respect to EVERYTHING that Globalized Neolithic Civilization does are that THOSE are based upon being able to back up lies with violence, despite that doing so never stops those lies from still being false, and therefore, the more that frauds are successfully enforced, the more fraudulent society as a whole becomes. That is what dominates the political economy, whereby public governments enforce frauds by private banks, and then, that cascades through the vicious spirals of political funding resulting in reverberating systems based upon enforcing frauds, which are enabled by advancing technologies to become exponentially more fraudulent, since civilization dominated by being able to back up lies with violence collectively becomes more and more dishonest ...

The majority of people tend to continue to take for granted the Huge Lies that they were repeatedly told throughout their entire lives. Since most others do too, the civilization in which that happens becomes more and MORE completely crazy and corrupt to the core. Hence, there develops various profit from junk food, and profit from disease, systems, etc., whereby the vicious spirals of those profits from frauds are able to be reinvested in more frauds, such that the various laws and regulatory agencies end up providing the force behind frauds, which then partially recycles through their various feedback loops, so that the majority of "research" gets paid for and published by those schools and journals whose control was long ago captured by the history of their funding.

Therefore, in that context, the article above could quote:

There are no studies that demonstrate that driving is impaired by caffeine, and they don’t do the studies, because no one cares about caffeine.”

Here is link to a recent review of the issue of driving under the influence of marijuana, from a study done under the government of Canada:

Impaired driving

Many states in the USA have "legalized" marijuana without regard to the actual science regarding marijuana impairment, and therefore, have imposed arbitrary limits of the presence of marijuana molecules in the blood, which then have consequences which are deemed to be automatically the same as driving after having drunk alcohol.

For more bla, bla, blah on that topic, see: Driving and Toking

After one more completely comprehends the degree to which Globalized Neolithic Civilization has become almost totally based upon enforcing frauds, then it becomes clear that society is too terminally sick and insane to recover from how serious that has become! Generally speaking, the actual FACTS about various things, from coffee to cannabis, do NOT matter much. Rather, the only connections between human laws and natural laws are the abilities to back up lies with violence, while doing so has cumulative consequences which no longer can be fully imagined, since despite that being able to back up legalized lies with legalized violence never stops those lies from still being false, the thereby established systems, as operated by the best available professional hypocrites, continue to do everything they can to back up bigger lies with more violence, resulting in civilization collectively becoming more and more psychotically out of touch with the real FACTS regarding almost anything, while practically everything is publicly perceived in increasingly false ways.

Therefore, the FACTS which should play a main role in comparing cannabis to coffee do NOT do so. Relatively speaking, the harmfulness and dangerousness of cannabis is grossly exaggerated, while that of coffee tends to be underestimated. Pretty well everything suffers from the overall patterns of irrational risk assessments, due to the ways that the privatized profits from frauds can be reinvested in more frauds, while there is no comparable socialized benefit from relatively more objective truths, and hence, those kinds of truths have no effective roles to be able to play through the actual funding of the political processes, which are dominated by the vicious feedback loops of the privatized profits from the variously enforced frauds.

OBVIOUSLY, the most important of those are the ways that public governments enforce frauds by private banks. However, from that SOURCE cascades consequences in fractal patterns throughout every other sociopolitical institution, all of which operate through being dominated by the same fundamentally fraudulent financial accounting systems. INDEED, after one takes enough time to study those general patterns of social facts, then one discovers, and can demonstrate, that THE MORE ONE LEARNS, THE WORSE IT GETS! Although the laws of nature do NOT stop working, the actual ways those laws of nature have really worked have been to drive the development of Globalized Neolithic Civilization to become based on the maximum possible dishonesties.

There are no good grounds to expect that Globalized Neolithic Civilization is going to stop automatically becoming exponentially more fraudulent in the foreseeable future ... In each short to medium term increment, enforcing frauds continues to generate the maximum possible return on investments, in the ways that the resulting privatized profits can then continue to drive the vicious spirals of political funding to result in even more enforced frauds.  It is barely possible to exaggerate the degree to which that is already the case, as well as is already getting worse, faster ... To summarize that situation, the previous systems of paper money frauds, backed by gunpowder weapons, have relatively recently and rapidly become globalized electronic money frauds, backed by the threat of force from apes with atomic bombs.

The single simplest symbol and most extreme particular example of the ways in which Globalized Neolithic Civilization manifested runaway criminal insanities, due to that civilization becoming based on the excessively successful methods of legalized lies, backed by legalized violence, was the criminalization of cannabis. Furthermore, the belated "legalization" of marijuana shows that the psychotic breakdowns of pot prohibition are NOT based on more radical Hemp Truths, but rather, are actually based upon compromises with the same old Huge Lies. Hence, in many jurisdictions, that were "legalizing" marijuana, those were simultaneously imposing criminal penalties upon arbitrary, and rather low, levels of marijuana molecules in the blood of drivers. Quite hysterical concerns were expressed with respect to developing expensive technologies to test for marijuana "impairment."

OF COURSE, at the same time, it continues to be that:

“There are no studies that demonstrate that driving is impaired by caffeine, and they don’t do the studies, because no one cares about caffeine.”

Although it is certainly the case that speeding is one of the most dangerous things to do when driving, and that consuming caffeine may well contribute to drivers speeding, and hence, to causing accidents, "they don’t do the studies" regarding that, while many, many studies are done about the influence of consuming cannabis (and the results of those studies are routinely misrepresented by the headlines, or rather headlies, in the mainstream mass media.)

land_of_the_few's picture

Yeah but you should switch off your WiFi router too, can't be too careful.

Radical Marijuana's picture

Killdo noted that:

"It's individual, caffeine effects different people differently ..."

Similarly, that appears to even more apply to the range of individual differences in vulnerability to electromagnetic pollutions. AGAIN, anyone who bothers to study the history of the so-called "scientific research" into the potential dangers of electromagnetic pollutions will discover that those were significantly biased by their funding, and even more so by the lack of funding, which often amounted to governments rubber stamping the presumptions that there were NO dangers.

UmbilicalMosqueSweeper's picture

Don't use cell phones, live near microwave towers, use microwave cookers, live near electrical power lines, fly at high altitudes, live near nuke plants, use weed killer, avoid ghettos, bad dogs, blacks, hispanics, nazis, commies, don't eat meat, drink milk, city water, or use thin aluminum foil to line your hat. Only eat tofu and juiced grass. You will be invulnerable to DUI stops and psycho women cops.

RichardParker's picture

Stephan Chemiske is a scam artist who incidentally got his masters degree via a correspondence school back in the early 80's (which was later shut down by the state).




More Ammo's picture

"The police state has claimed a right to search your most private property — your own blood."


I have maintained that this is a violation of your fifth amendment rights and not the fourth.

Mutilation to take blood as evidence was not acceptable at the time of the constitution, however additionally the warrent to bleed him if even required in comyfornia was likely a standing warrent which is unlawful and even if a "judge" signed off on one for this guy it had to be specific to be valid.

However since this is his own blood and therefore a part of him I think

"nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself"

is what appies in these cases

philipat's picture

Perhaps next year water in your system might be good enough to get you arrested? This is getting absolutely stupid.

SoDamnMad's picture

Yes, officer. You demand a liquid sample.  May I piss on your leg?

mc888's picture

right, because .gov owns the water


Barney Fife's picture

The fact that you think that voting "Not Democrat" is the answer makes you every bit as much an idiot as they are. 

Life of Illusion's picture



philipat's picture

I'm guessing that would depend on what you did to her during the arrest? And in the case of a cunt like this, she would probably enjoy it as she obviously isn't getting it anywhere else?

In fact, just guessing but she is probably a fat, ugly alienated lesbian bitch?

Yog Soggoth's picture

 "she is probably a fat, ugly alienated lesbian bitch?"Das raciss and funny.

Maynard G. Krebs's picture

I remember having that blue pill get stuck in my throat once - had a stiff neck for a week...

Lumberjack's picture

How much water and electricity are piped in from other states to CA?

chunga's picture

I don't know for sure but too much. That's why we boycott those yoummy Halo oranges!