Here Are Some Of The Ridiculous New State Laws That Will Take Effect January 1st - Happy New Year!

Tyler Durden's picture

Back in September we wrote about what we thought for sure would be the wackiest new state law passed in 2016.  The law came from the state of California (of course) and demanded a 40% reduction in methane gas from cow flatulence by 2030.  Here's what we had to say about the bill:

In yet another attack on California businesses, yesterday Governor Jerry Brown signed into law a bill (SB 1383) that requires the state to cut methane emissions from dairy cows and other animals by 40% by 2030.  The bill is yet another massive blow to the agricultural industry in the state of California that has already suffered from the Governor's passage of a $15 minimum wage and a recent bill that makes California literally the only state in the entire country to provide overtime pay to seasonal agricultural workers after working 40 hours per week or 8 hours per day (see "California Just Passed A $1.7 Billion Tax On The Whole Country That No One Noticed").


According to a statement from Western United Dairymen CEO, Anja Raudabaugh, California's Air Resources Board wants to regulate animal methane emissions even though it admits there is no known method for achieving the the type of reduction sought by SB 1383.


"The California Air Resources Board wants to regulate cow emissions, even though its Short-Lived Climate Pollutant (SLCP) reduction strategy acknowledges that there’s no known way to achieve this reduction.

This guy even invented a handy backpack for cows to store their farts...not such a dumb idea anymore, now is it?



But Californians aren't the only ones that will be facing some wacky new laws in 2017.  As The Hill points out, Illinois residents who prefer to spear catfish with a pitchfork will be in full compliance with state laws after Sunday, but Oregonians who want to release sky lanterns are shit out of luck.

Meanwhile, Illinois adopted a new State Artifact, the pirogue, while California passed a ton of other amazing bills including one that allows hair dressers to serve wine to their guests, provided they don't charge for it, of course, a new requirement that autographed memorabilia being sold for more than $5 come with a "certificate of authenticity," and one that allows you to break into a hot or cold car to save an animal, as long as you call authorities first.

When the new year rings in, Illinois will also have an official State Artifact — the pirogue, a long, narrow canoe used by Native Americans. The pirogue will take its place alongside the official state snack food (popcorn), the official state fossil (the Tully Monster), the official state dance (the square dance) and the official state insect (the monarch butterfly).


California's most contentious legislative fights over the last year involved new measures on gun control and climate change. But members also found time to allow barbers and beauticians to serve their patrons beer and wine, provided they don't charge for it.


Sacramento also decided to impose stricter rules on those who would sell autographed memorabilia. Any signed item being sold for more than $5 will have to come with a certificate of authenticity once January rolls around.


And California state employees will no longer be reimbursed for out-of-state travel to places that allow discrimination on the basis of gender, sexual orientation or gender identity. That law, passed after North Carolina and other states passed measures requiring transgender people to use the bathroom of their birth sex, is likely to impact everything from state employees who want to travel to a conference to the University of California system's football schedule.

In New England, cider brewers in Maine will be able to increase the alcohol content of their batches to 8.5% from 7% while New Hampshire banned bestiality...and while we knew there wasn't much to do in "The Hampshire" we had no idea this was actually a problem.

In Maine, brewers will be able to up the alcohol in their cider to 8.5 percent, from 7 percent. In Colorado, some grocery stores will be able to sell beer, wine and liquor. In Pennsylvania, a state with notoriously stringent alcohol laws passed in the wake of Prohibition, beer distributors will be able to sell six packs for the first time.


New Hampshire residents need to be much more careful with laser pointers. Beginning Sunday, it will be a crime to knowingly shine a laser at an aircraft or automobile. The Granite State is also outlawing bestiality, which has somehow remained officially legal in New Hampshire until Sunday morning.

Finally, here are the states where Doritos consumption is set to sky rocket in the new year.

Other states will liberalize marijuana laws on January 1. Revelers on the Las Vegas Strip will be able to legally possess marijuana for recreational purposes when the clock strikes midnight, and those with medical conditions will have access to marijuana in North Dakota, Florida, Arkansas and Montana. And in Michigan, medical marijuana dispensaries will finally gain legal status, years after the state approved medical sales.


Three other states — California, Massachusetts and Maine — passed marijuana legalization measures in November. The new laws have already been implemented in California and Massachusetts, and Maine will join them later in January.

And you thought politicians were useless...

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Raffie's picture

People will be setting the fart bags on fire.

There going to be fire balls going up in the country side with flaming cows running around.

Skiprrrdog's picture

That will be the new one... instead of tipping cows, light their gas bags on fire... FIRE IN THE HOLE...

El Vaquero's picture

Pipe a little O2 into it first.  Get the mixture correct and KABOOM!  


I did that once, using an oxy-acetelyne torch to fill up a balloon and had to run inside immediatly afterwards to hide from the neighbors who were coming out to see who had touched off a cannon.

knukles's picture

My buddy from New Hampshire's nickname by the way is "Bugger"

Being that as it may, regulating cow farts is another example of Modern Democracy in Action. 
Like Barbara Boxer (I dunno know, but, was one of the female con-critters from CA) once said something like; "We don't think about consequences; we just pass laws."

Holy hand grenade of Antioch's picture
Holy hand grenade of Antioch (not verified) knukles Dec 30, 2016 4:17 PM


Pure Evil's picture

I guess the muzzies will have to move out of NH now that goat fukkin is illegal.

The Saint's picture
The Saint (not verified) Pure Evil Dec 30, 2016 4:57 PM

"The California Air Resources Board wants to regulate cow emissions, even though its Short-Lived Climate Pollutant (SLCP) reduction strategy acknowledges that there’s no known way to achieve this reduction."

I'm going to invent a little pilot light that sits right under a cow's pooper.  When it farts the methane will immediately be burned away in blaze of glory.  I can't promise that there won't be some BBQ happening on the spot, though.

pickupthatcan's picture

Since pot is still illegal at the federal level, having a medical marijuana card will make the holder an automatic prohibited person in regards to buying or possessing a firearm.

The data will be uploaded to the FBI's NICS system. When you purchase a firearm from an FFL dealer you're stating on the Form 4473 that you don't smoke pot. If you check that you do, your don't get the gun. If you check no, you've committed perjury.

Be careful out there. Buy your firearms from private sellers and get your herb from the black market.

Fuck .gov

Sorry_about_Dresden's picture

Workers Comp. will still deny benefits to anyone hurt on the job, and testing [positive for marijuana. So then there is that also.

The Feds. can start enforcing law at any time, and might come January 21, 2017, and start busting most of California, Colorado, Oregon and Washington.

'FDA just rescheduled marijuana as schedule 1 compound!

Why would they do this if they were considering reforming federal statute?

I don't think the Feral Reserve allows banks to accept money that comes from the sale of a schedule 1 compound, so what are those people in those states where it is legal doing with all that cash?


AVmaster's picture

I think the .gov needs to be shutdown(with the exception of the military) for 10 years...


These fools are running out of things to outlaw...

any_mouse's picture

"I think the .gov needs to be shutdown(with the exception of the military) for 10 years..."

Shutdown the military adventures globally as well.

Return the Guard units to the States.

Cease using contractors, mercenaries as proxies for illegal military actions.

any_mouse's picture

"I don't think the Feral Reserve allows banks to accept money that comes from the sale of a schedule 1 compound, so what are those people in those states where it is legal doing with all that cash?"

Maybe storing it in non "fractional reserve lending" depository institutions.

Wouldn't you like to do that?

any_mouse's picture


Recently acquired a firearm and with Nevada passing a measure to decriminalize MJ, I read question 11.e more critically.

11.e. "Are you an unlawful user of, or addicted to, marijuana or any depressant, stimulant, narcotic drug, or any other controlled substance?"

Question does not state the legal jurisdiction.

A holder of a MMJ card is not acting unlawfully in the issuing state.

Prior questions 11.b and 11.c specifically use the language "in any court" concerning felonies.

Answer NO and make the Feds prove you are acting unlawfully with a state issued MMJ. If they wanted to go there, they would have done so long ago.

Probablility of a citizen whose only issue is a state issued MMJ and the question on 4473, being investigated? Extremely low.

But not as low as Jon Corzine ever being investigated for embezzlement of customer funds under the Obama administration.

One would need to be on the Feds radar for other activities.

You could get a pass being an Islamic fundamentalist militant radical. That is covered under the catch and release program.

boattrash's picture

any mouse,

While I agree with you in theory, this issue is why I voted against pot in the Arkansas election Nov 2016. As I've stated here before, I see the Fed Statutes on Weed as being totally unconstitutional, if not, please explain to me why they had to have an 18th amendment to prohibit putting alcohol into one's own body.

As to them enforcing gun laws, I had a co-worker that did time in the federal pen for trying to buy his wife a lever action 30-30 to deer hunt with. He had a prior felony in state court, but had his record expunged by the state. Turns out, by some loophole, he had not had his "federal gun rights" restored.

I can't remember all the details, but I do remember the Fed Judge told him that he didn't agree with giving him any prison time, but thanks to "mandatory minimums" he had to.

Re; gun laws and weed cards, see the link below if you like. Note the 2011 date in the case...

On a side note, I will never vote for Pot Legislation that does not allow growing for personal consumption, as I believe Big Pharma/Big Gov have Zero business being involved in personal use of it. Just my 2 cents worth..

TheObsoleteMan's picture

I used to get my weed from the black market, but I kept getting robbed, so I now stay out of their neighborhoods.

boattrash's picture

Saint, That's a great idea, but you making it for the wrong critter. It needs to fit Cali's Congress-Critters, not the cows.

The Gun Is Good's picture

LOL!  In that case, it needs to fit over their mouths.

Seriously though: Here in Maine we now get more alcohol in cider and can grow our own weed, etc., which is great, IMO.

BUT the article left out the passage of Question 2, a law passed via voter referendum that adds a 3% surcharge / additional income tax to people making $200k or more, where the funds go to education. The precedent set by this is a bad one (Talk about tyranny of the majority!). As a struggling rural resident, I'd be lucky to make $40k annually (haven't yet), but, on principal, I think this new law is total bullshit. (Plus, Maine is a federal bitch state and is all about Common Core ed, so it's not likely that the extra funds are going to help the quality of ed here a ton anyway... never mind that we already have Lottery and other gambling-related taxes that supposedly go to ed. Moar taxes!)


dunce's picture

The ACLU wll take it to court for religious discrimination, goats and sheep humping must be permitted or there will be jihad. Special public convenience rooms and the best looking animals will be provided at government expense. muslims will be allowed to claim them as dependents on tax forms for the animals they keep at home.

Augustus's picture

Certainly the law prohibiting beastiality was passed as a form of discrimination against Mohammadans.


It could also be applied to punish anyone who has sexual relations with Lena Dunham.

scsherman's picture
scsherman (not verified) knukles Dec 30, 2016 7:48 PM

I think all herbivores should have their farts regulated to include human vegetarians and vegans.

StillSilence's picture

Corpse eaters have the disgusting ones.

flaminratzazz's picture

light the torch, snuff it, fill and zip a quart zip-lock baggie and throw it into the camp fire everyone is sitting around.. great fun..

Frito's picture

We used to use a 20L (5 gal) garbage bag. 


A remote method of ignition is essential though

Blankenstein's picture

Glad to see the politicians are working on cow farts and catfish instead of doing something about the ever increasing debt.

"California has come a long way to dig itself out of budget deficits, but the state remains on shaky ground due to nearly $400 billion in unfunded liabilities and debt from public pensions, retiree health care and bonds, financial analysts say."

Illinois - State debt:
$321.4 billion (as of 2014)





Pure Evil's picture

Not a problem as long as there are taxpaying citizens they can continually milk.

knukles's picture

That is exactly what my governmental employee buds out here think.
The taxpayer is but an inconvenient nuisance.   An if they run dry, they believe they can just print money.

Honestly, Progressives think of Big Government as Small Children think of Santa Claus

Skiprrrdog's picture

Or take an acet bottle out into a field, open valve and let it run wide open...

toady's picture

That was big fun back in high school welding class... drove the old man instructor insane! 

DeadFred's picture

Auditioning for the Darwin Awards?

Miffed Microbiologist's picture

It's things like this make me wish I still worked in the ER. Guys make life more entertaining.


MFL5591's picture

Good for Arizona Cattle Growers!

dasein211's picture

I'm really starting to prefer Kratom and Kanna over weed(both natural herbs that are legal thus far).. No risk from drug tests. Just don't dive after 5 grams of Kratom. But for sure put on some music. The government will probably try to ban it soon. Oh wait.....

Raffie's picture

Wonder if the cow will remember to STOP, DROP and MOO.

Put a turbin on the cow's head and will be a suicidal cow bomber.

In the name of Moohammad, MOO!!!!


SoDamnMad's picture

Because of all the California wild fires, there will be new laws for cows to have fire detection. suppression systems to prevent the cows from igniting the forests. This is going to get really BIG and ridiculous.  (Truth, the cows have been moved out into the desert to horrible areas with pole-barn like shade structure and sprinklers cooling them off. Good huge waste of water in a parched state)

a Smudge by any other name's picture

OMG the look on the cow's face is like "oh God why me?"


Yog Soggoth's picture

First thing I noticed too. The cow is not enjoying the straps and plastic bag. That's one strange guy to even think about sticking tubes in a cow like that and should probably be investigated by local authorities.

Pure Evil's picture

I wonder if that would be considered bestiality in NH?

knukles's picture

Only if you stick your fingers in it's anus.

"Nothin' up my sleeve"

scsherman's picture
scsherman (not verified) Pure Evil Dec 30, 2016 7:51 PM

Putting your dick in a cow in NH is illegal but jerking off a bull, grabbing a handful of its semen, and stuffing up a cows vagina past your elbow is totally fine.

knukles's picture

Well there ya go, a nifty way around the law.
Lick after me.

any_mouse's picture

Some people like fisting more than fucking anyway.

Miffed Microbiologist's picture

The scary thing is her owner probably got a government grant to fund his invention. More joys being a tax donkey.


wren's picture

Poor New Hampshire... There goes their tourism industry! lol

scsherman's picture
scsherman (not verified) wren Dec 30, 2016 7:51 PM

Live Free or Die! I will never stop loving my sheep!

Mr. Bones's picture


SoDamnMad's picture

I don't dare order pizza anymore.  I'm afraid they will ask me if my name is Podestra. 

FIAT CON's picture

Oh but wait, we cannot have cows walking around with explosives on their back, so no cows.

 I think all businesses that cater to the public should ask ALL of their customers where they work before they get served and if they work for the .gov of any kind, charge them double.

This will be the only way to get the .gov off of our backs. and to down size .gov.

WeTheSheeplez's picture

Probably going to sell the full bags to Prius owners...