Retired Russian Colonel Warns Trump: "We're Seeding The US Shoreline With Nuclear Mole Missiles"

Tyler Durden's picture

In an "Onion-sounding" article in Russian tabloid Komsomolskaya Pravda, titled "Trump-Pump-Pump And Our Big Bang", Russian military expert Viktor Baranetz, a retired colonel and former defense ministry spokesman asserted that Russia has asymmetrical responses to the increase in the U.S. military budget.

The Middle East Media Research Institute reports that, according to Baranetz, Russia is "quietly 'seeding' the U.S. shoreline with nuclear 'mole' missiles" that "dig themselves in and 'sleep' until they are given the command" to detonate.

Following are excerpts from Baranetz's article

"Our Asymmetrical Response Is Nuclear Warheads"


"The U.S. is the permanent 'world champion' in the size of its military budget – almost $600 billion, which is 10 times more than Russias. Even if we add together the military budgets of the top ten countries in the world, they would not reach the American budget! Now it turns out that even that is not enough for Donald Trump. He intends to increase defense expenditure by $54 billion. This money would be enough to maintain five Polish armies. Or 10 Ukrainian ones.


"The American public is already grumbling at Trump, who prefers guns to butter. But cunning Trump understands what his trump card is: He is 'buying' the support of the army, as well as of military industry corporations. Former Chief of the General Staff of the Russian Army Yuri Baluyevsky is certain that 'the idea to increase defense expenditure was presented to Trump by the U.S. military, who argue a lot about the power of the Russian army, realizing this is an opportunity to get new money.' But how will Moscow react to the growing military budget of the U.S.? Baluyevsky answers: 'Russia will not compete with the U.S. in defense expenditure. We are in a different weight class. For us, the main question is how to ensure Russia's defense at a lower cost. I am sure that we have already found asymmetrical responses. I don't see a big problem here.'


"What are these mysterious 'asymmetrical responses' that our politicians and generals speak about so often? Maybe it's a myth or a pretty turn of phrase? No! Our asymmetrical response is nuclear warheads that can modify their course and height so that no computer can calculate their trajectory. Or, for example, the Americans are deploying their tanks, airplanes and special forces battalions along the Russian border. And we are quietly 'seeding' the U.S. shoreline with nuclear 'mole' missiles (they dig themselves in and 'sleep' until they are given the command)




"Oh, it seems I've said too much. I should hold my tongue.


"In short, we have something to provide an 'asymmetrical' (and cheaper) response to the Americans. But if Trump has money to burn, let him spend it on weapons that the U.S. may never even need. And they say Trump is a good businessman..."

Of course, we have no way to confirm whether this is fact or fake news, but we note that Kremlin spokesman Dmitry Peskov dismissed these claims.

In response to a journalist's question on Baranetz's article, Peskov said: "This sounds strange, to say the least, and so I would suggest that you not take newspaper reports like this seriously."

Strange indeed seems to be the new normal since Trump became President. Does make one wonder what the Russian spy ship was doing just 30 miles from America's "primary East Coast Sub base a month ago."

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Canadian Dirtlump's picture

Insain McCain is going to go Dr. Strangelove on them. How about that shit?

Smerf's picture

He will no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids!

Stainless Steel Rat's picture
Stainless Steel Rat (not verified) Smerf Mar 8, 2017 5:32 PM

Dr. Strangelove: Of course, the whole point of a Doomsday Machine is lost if you KEEP IT A SECRET! Why didn't you tell the world, eh? 
Ambassador de Sadesky[Sheepishly] It was to be announced at the Party Congress on Monday. As you know, the Premier loves surprises.

American Psycho's picture

Is the -al at the end of asymmetic really necessary? 

Two Theives and a Liar's picture

" Mr. President,  We cannot allow a shoreline mole-missle gap!!"

Idaho potato head's picture

I would love to see that mobile missile silo drilling technology, give me a fuckin break.

The Wizard's picture

What's a "Communist"?

Long memory man's picture

USA is more communist than the Russian Federation, everything is state run in the USA, bailed out by the state, it will become bankrupt like the Soviets did. Russian learned to keep the state small, in the West the state grows like a cancer, where has the middle class gone?

SilverDoctors's picture

Hugo Salinas Price warned today that The Apocalypse Is Upon Us.  
Might be wrong, but I don't think he was talking about the real Apocalypse though...

Logan 5's picture
Logan 5 (not verified) NoVa Mar 8, 2017 5:45 PM

Fear the Laurentian Abysymal


&, of course, the dark side of the moon, & Antarctica, &, like, 2446 Belmont Road, WDC & stuff...

knukles's picture

Zillow, 2446, etc.

Massive home ... "Big Enough to Hide a Conspiracy in Sized Mansion"

I'm still more worried about whether I should shave my back... or my dog's back (neither which gonna happen) than Russian Moose and Squirrel Secret Rockets

Escapeclaws's picture

Keel moose and squirrel.

Stainless Steel Rat's picture
Stainless Steel Rat (not verified) max2205 Mar 8, 2017 5:36 PM

Shoreline are everything.  If we get hit there, we get to live in the 1850's for the rest of our lives at a minimum.

Riga's picture

Oh noes, the Samsung TVs and iPhones won't be able to record us anymore.

Stuck on Zero's picture

It's well known that there is an asymmetrical response to every huge weapons system. For example, Sadam Hussein painted aircraft shapes on runways throughout Iraq and the U.S. spent billions blowing them up.  Flare guns and multiple 50 cals completely defeated our helicopter assaults on Iraqi cities. The list goes on forever. It just never pays to invest too heavily in any one kind of weapon system.

Winston Churchill's picture

Same rumor when it was the USSR back in 80s.

The Bay of Naples was said to be mined with homing nuke torpedos.


JohninMK's picture

Make more sense to mine that mountain on the Canary Islands where geologists recon that if it slides into the sea a 40 yard high tsunami will hit the US a few hours later.

Lore's picture

@ Winston: Your historical observation is important and appreciated.

The point must be stressed, among young people in particular, that most of the propaganda we're being fed nowadays is adapted from old (sometimes VERY old) play-books. 

spanish inquisition's picture

Dr. Strangelove: Of course, the whole point of a Doomsday Machine is lost, if you *keep* it a *secret*! Why didn't you tell the world , EH?

Seems like we are being given notice....

J Jason Djfmam's picture

"We were going to annouce it next week."

Stainless Steel Rat's picture
Stainless Steel Rat (not verified) spanish inquisition Mar 8, 2017 5:41 PM

Sorry, didn't expect you to beat me to it.

Stainless Steel Rat's picture
Stainless Steel Rat (not verified) spanish inquisition Mar 8, 2017 5:41 PM


runswithscissors's picture

Its gonna be a nooklear nine-eleven!

Golden Phoenix's picture

Wait. I thought Dr. Strangelove was Lindsey Graham...

BarkingCat's picture


Insain McCain is going to go Dr. Strangelove on them. 


He prefers Dr. Strangeglow.

post turtle saver's picture

dear Russia,

thanks for letting some nutjob go on the air and confirm that you're violating the NPT


the US MIC

p.s. check is in the mail

Frito's picture

We simply CANNOT allow a 'mole' missile gap!

IndyPat's picture

What kinda gaybait junks that?

Frito's picture

lol, I wasn't going to say anything. But, I have to agree with you.


Must be 'tarded or something

ejmoosa's picture

One can wreak havoc with inexpensive weapons just as you can with the expensive weapons.


Look what some folks have done with boxcutters.  What was the cost of those boxcutters versus what we have spent in response to those boxcutters?


Been felt up by the TSA lately?

Riga's picture

I've never been felt up by the TSA. I flew 2 weeks after 9/11; the San Antonio airport was virtually deserted. Then back from Europe. Not long after that I haven't flown since. I used to fly many times a year. Now I don't care to pay to be molested.

I used to love going to airports as a kid.

onewayticket2's picture

I know....he is bascially saying they can turn baltimore into a wasteland in 5 min.....


but it took Democrats 40+ years and some of the buildings are still standing.

land_of_the_few's picture

Geez, so heartless, and they might make a mess of New Orleans or something.

trumpala's picture

The US deep state will burn the planet.

MaxThrust's picture

The US Zionist Deepstate will go the Samson Option and burn the planet.

shovelhead's picture

We'd probably screw that up too.

root superuser's picture

This sounds like empty threat to me. Much better strategy than nuke-rattling is to keep up current propaganda which puts them on moral high ground.

dasein211's picture

All it takes is for one big one to get through close enough to fry the grid. Honestly, the next big war will also be the shortest. I don't get "Defense" spending. Does anyone honestly think an Army would try to invade? We'd have nukes up their ass faster than Any anal scene Rocco has ever shot. Our military is strictly for corporate and monied interests same as theirs. All warfare is asymmetric because the bombs are so fucking big. We don't need an army as long as the nukes work. It's a ploy to make the military big enough to enslave its own people. When will dumbfuck America wake up to that

HRH Feant's picture
HRH Feant (not verified) dasein211 Mar 8, 2017 6:17 PM

I agree. It would only take 3 small tactical nukes detonated in the atmosphere to completely shut down major areas of the US for months.

Detonated over DC, NYC, and LA and that's it. No money gets moved, the government is crippled, and no entertainment.

I like to imagine all of the electronic addicts suddenly cut off from their devices freaking out and running around like zombies trying to figure out what happened.

When will it happen? I am surprised it hasn't happened yet.

Archive_file's picture

Game recognize game...

crghill's picture

This article brought to you by the defense industry.  Scared yet?  If yes, contact your congressman and get that increase in defense spending.  Not scared?  Please, re-read the article.

Dragon HAwk's picture

Fail Safes... Fail.