A 'Progressive' Speaks Out: We Demand 3.5 More Years Of Russophobia!!

Tyler Durden's picture

Satirically submitted by Ramin Mazaheri via The Saker,

There I was again, flying first class on my shareholders’ dime from New York to San Francisco, when I was deeply saddened to read about the death of Zbigniew Brzezinski, National Security Adviser to Jimmy Carter.

For a moment I thought: “Surely I can find some anti-Putin articles to read rather than this one?” Those always make me so happy!

But then I remembered that Zbig was a man after my own heart, because he was one of the West’s greatest Russophobes. Even the New York Times talked of his “rigid hatred of the Soviet Union”.

Zbig ended the détente led by Nixon as Carter, not Reagan, restarted good, old-fashioned, American Russophobia: Selling the Soviets computers with bugs for industrial sabotage, the propaganda effort of the 1980 Olympic Boycott, the US grain embargo to try and starve the Russian people, the arming of the Taliban’s forerunners to destabilize a left-wing government in Afghanistan and thus unleashing Islamic terrorism on the world, etc.

Just as American Democrats know for an undeniable fact that Jimmy Carter is our nation’s greatest living man of peace, I contend that Zbig’s anti-Russian stance makes him nearly as great a humanitarian, and certainly a model Democrat in 2017.

And Zbig knew, as I and all good Democrats know, that the greatest fight of our generation is the fight against Vladimir Putin.

Poverty, starvation, refugees, terrorism, climate change – everyone in America is realizing that if we can just get rid of Putin, everything else will surely fall into line. Surely!

So I was pretty sad to read of Zbig’s passing, but that’s when it hit me: Just because he’s gone, it doesn’t mean we have to give up hating Russia!

We’ve been hating Russia since November – more than 6 months now – and, frankly…it feels awesome!

I don’t how long it takes to make a habit permanent, so let’s all agree to lock this in this Russophobia for at least 3.5 more years, possibly 7.5!

It would be a fitting testament to a man whose prophetic Russophobia was misunderstood as “anti-communism”.

Say it loud: It’s time for progressive Americans to unite behind hating Russians! Again!

Let’s party like it’s 1979!

Russophobia isn’t actually racism – it proves your patriotism

Now, I’m as politically-correct a CEO as was ever made -my allegiance to Hillary proves that – but I can tell that some people think that I should equivocate by writing “hating the Russian government” instead of the “Russians”.

Well, it’s bold, but being bold is why we CEOs deserve the big bucks and you deserve our crumbs. Not our table crumbs – those are too good for you – I mean the crumbs that fall around our fine, Italian shoes.

Here’s the problem with the Russians: Putin’s approval rating is over 85%.

It is a testament to the master of evil that he has duped nearly all 144 million Russian citizens. They said that 50 million Elvis fans can’t be wrong, but 124 million Putin fans clearly are. I don’t know anything about Russian domestic politics, but I don’t have to – that’s my right as an American.

So I think that if we are going to keep the pressure on Putin we’re going to have to widen our net a bit. I’m not sure even Rachel Maddow can focus solely on Putin until possibly 2024?

Lord knows Saint Rachel has tried! She devoted 53% of her program to anti-Russian topics over a 6 week period.

I would estimate the Facebook pages of those who watch MSNBC are 90% dedicated to sharing her anti-Russian views. I certainly approve of that…but never during work hours!

Here’s the thing, and we can take advantage of this: Nobody in the US even knows if it’s actually “racist” to be racist towards Russians.

Are the Russians a race? They’re pretty numerous, after all. But maybe they’re Slavs? Does anyone here know what a Slav is? Aren’t they Orthodox Christian? Is that like the Greeks? Is being against Greeks racist? They sure look pretty indistinguishable from Turks, but whoever heard of anti-Greek racism – they’re the fount of Western civilization despite half of ancient Greece being in Turkey?

Here’s another point in our favor: We have no racial slur against Russians, because it’s ok to insult practically anyone from Central or Eastern Europe. We can call Czechs “Bohunks” and Hungarians “Honkys” without anyone batting an eye.

Are Russians offended at “Rooskie”? “Rooskie” just seems to just mean a “Russian”?

We can’t call the Japanese “Japs”, of course, but it’s ok to call those from Scotland “Scots”, which is odd. The British can’t call Pakistanis “Pakis”, even though Pakistan means “land of the pure”, hardly an insult but certainly factually incorrect. The British call Indians “Asians”, but in the US “Asians” are the Chinese and the lesser Chineses.

Clearly, we need to devise a better slur immediately to help sustain our Russophobia.

But my larger point is: Let’s just call Russians “White” – this way we can be racist against them with no problem at all!

They certainly look Whiter than the Greeks, now that I think about it….But this is all distracting us from advancing the Russophobe agenda!

I’m here to proclaim: Russophobia is not racist! It’s like being racist against the French – it’s just good sense!

Russophobe progressives of the US unite ! You have nothing to lose but your chains!

I spoke to a Russian passenger on the plane about all this.

Well, that’s not actually true. You see, as an American progressive I’d never talk to anybody who could even possibly give me the hint of nearly being able to say something which could remotely be perceived as being maybe not 100% condemnatory of Putin.

So not only do I refuse to even have dinner with anyone who I suspect of voting for Trump, but I’m certainly not going to come within 3 feet of someone who might explain Putin’s popularity.

It is better that 124 million Putin-supporters be condemned than to allow one Putin-supporter to go free!

If there’s one thing American’s don’t do, it’s play chess

Another thing Americans do: have an exit strategy. And what’s the exit strategy towards our 6 month love affair of hating Russians?

There is none. So let’s just keep going despite all the problems, like Americans do.

Please note: I will immediately notify my friends in the Deep State if anyone posts a comment belwo which discusses any possible exit strategy.

Because how could we let Putin off the hook for meddling in US democracy? We have no proof after 6 months, despite having the best spy network and computer hackers in the world, but… all we need is more time! I’m sure of it! Rachel Maddow, my darling, I believe you!

And Zbig’s daughter, poor Mika Brzezinski, I truly am sorry for her loss. There is nothing funny about losing your father.

But I’m sure Mika will carry the torch and continue her father’s anti-Russian crusade, as she has done at MSNBC, where she is another impeccably credible journalist who got to where she is with no help at all from Daddy, who was a regular analyst on her show.

And, like Rachel, Mika should be a role model for not just female journalists but serious thinkers everywhere: just look at this sexy photo shoot with Vanity Fair. What? I heard Marie Curie made similar photos in her lab involving Erlenmeyer flasks.

The whole world knows that America can always rely on our impeccable mainstream media, which is so free from bias.

Why, if we had a Russophobia problem The New York Times would have covered it by now, right? But they have written just 1 article which raised American “Russophobia” in the last 6 months, so we’re clearly fine!

Doesn’t hating Russians just ‘feel’ right?

To be honest, I was worried about my aged father, with whom – of course – I have basically no contact. He lives in a nursing home. I can never forgive him for that time as a child when we were in a grocery store and he refused to buy me sugary cereal.

He was really anti-Russian – to honor our forefathers we need his hate to not be in vain!

I’m also worried about my kids: I grew up being taught to hate Russians – there’s no questioning the values with which I was raised – but this recent Russophobia is all new to them.

Our propaganda efforts are way behind! Remember this video game from the 80s – “Rush’n Attack” (say it fast). Knifing guys wearing fur-lined coats amid a snowy backdrop – but that was totally not Cold War propaganda because Americans don’t do propaganda, of course.

Part of this is my fault, I’ll admit. Among the many boards I sit on is a video game company, and we patriotically tried to do a reboot of this game during Obama’s “pivot to Asia”: We called it “Chin Kick”. The cover had a boot in someone’s face – all you could see was a bamboo hat and two big front teeth flying off in either direction.

But we didn’t get it finished before the 2016 election, and here we are pivoting back to Russia (thankfully). By the way, this failure made our stock dip. I fired 700 workers, so problem solved.

I shouldn’t have asked him, but….

Remember my coworker whom I can’t stand, Fazlollah? I should know better than to bring up politics with him, but I had just printed out a new photo of Putin for my dartboard so I had to pass by his cubicle. All Fazlollahs must be familiar with Afghanistan, I figured, so I asked him for a high-five about Brzezinski’s successful plan to bankrupt the USSR by supporting the Mujahedeen there. All Americans know that this is how we brought down the Soviets.

Fazlollah made a long pause and said, “I thought it was applying American economic ideas which bankrupted the Soviets?”

As usual, I have no idea what planet he’s from, so I changed the subject. I tried to talk to him about Putin.

Fazlollah said, “My friend, have you considered seeing someone about your OCD?”

He’s totally un-American, so he doesn’t realize how being obsessed with Russia is the new patriotism.

In fact, I’m not sure where he’s from….Human Resources says we’re not allowed to ask each other’s religion, but he’s not Christian because he’s doing Ramadan, which apparently just started.

Frankly, his increased niceness despite what must be a sub-zero blood sugar level is annoying. I told Fazlollah about how one of my family members does something similar: They gave up putting milk in their coffee for Lent. Think of it – a whole month with black coffee!

Fazlollah perceived that, due to my OCD, I was physically unable to leave his cubicle until we had talked about Putin.

He sighed and said in his accented English, “The US has interfered in the democratic affairs of dozens of nations just since World War II. So what if Russia exposed corruption in the Democratic Party? What’s good for the goose is good for the duck, right?”

That was hilarious! I made sure everybody heard his mistake!

“Hey Fazlollah, can you take a gander at some papers,” I shouted! Everybody laughed…another intellectual victory for me!

Russophobia must be the progressive cause of our generation!

We progressive Americans fought against Russian socialism and now we need to fight against Russian non-socialism!

Get the flags up! “More Prussia, less Russia!” “Are You Putin Me On, Trump?” “No dogs or Russians allowed!”

I can’t wait to see the hagiographies of Zbig on MSNBC – we must keep his progressive legacy alive to fight the not-completely Russophobic Trump administration!

The New York Times admiringly wrote about Zbig: “But his strict adherence to ideas in which virtually every issue circled back to the threat of Soviet domination was remarkable….”

You see? Russophobia is “remarkable” and admirable.

But…it made me a bit worried: I just don’t see anything similar to that in 2017. America has changed so much…even the names are all different. I mean, where are we going to find a “Zbigniew” to cheerlead our Russophobia?

And my psychiatrist says I’m in a dangerous state – he says that, after 6 months, any let-up in my Russophobia addiction could be catastrophic.

Because…what else would we talk about? Hillary’s failed policies? Obama’s failed policies? Fixing those policies?

Clearly, that’s something only Putin would want!

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Intelligence_Insulter's picture

The cold war was about scientific space race, not a dumbing down propaganda race to the bottom.  The U.S. is winning this one.  It's no contest at this point.

Croesus's picture

"deeply saddened to read about the death of Zbigniew Brzezinski"

That says all you need to know ...this "Progressive" asshole was SAD about the death of 1 of the biggest pieces of shit of the Twentieth Century...

AVmaster's picture

Oh yea?


Well I demand that you all shut the fuck up...


LOSERS, need to go away... So pack up your last place trophy and drink bleach or whatever...


Sick and tired of this shit...


Yes, I know this is a satrical article, however, the environment is not welcoming at this fuckin time...

07564111's picture

Satire of this quality is always welcome ;)


nmewn's picture

This is something I always like to do...its like...pin the tail on the donkey through redaction of names, just to see if one can guess who or what is being discussed...is it John Podesta, Trump or Hillary?...

“I encountered and I am aware of information and intelligence that revealed contacts and interactions between Russian officials and US persons involved in the ____ campaign that I was concerned about because of known Russian efforts to suborn such individuals and it raised questions in my mind, again, whether or not the Russians were able to gain the cooperation of those individuals,” Brennan told the House Intelligence Committee Tuesday.

Pressed by Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC) whether he saw evidence that ____ officials colluded with the Kremlin, Brennan said “I don’t know.”

“I don’t know whether or not such collusion – and that’s your term – such collusion existed,” Brennan said. “I don’t know. But I know that there was a sufficient basis of information and intelligence that required further investigation by the bureau (FBI) to determine whether or not US persons were actively conspiring, colluding with Russian officials.”

Its really hard to tell if we're talking about Uranium One and cash coming into the Clinton Foundation with Russian connections for the deal that the State Department under Hillary had to sign off on or John Podesta's lobbying firm working for Russian banks or the political espionage in bugging Trump Tower.

Isn't it? ;-)

Yog Soggoth's picture

Links please, but of course Podesta killary.

Mr Pink's picture

These leftist fuckstains couldn't recognize a war criminal if one walked up and shot them in the head

SoDamnMad's picture

Soros and Zbig  are bookends. Now could Soros just croak please. The world would sure be safer.

youarelost's picture

Progressives are not just lefties.  There are big government progressive on the right also.

Seek_Truth's picture

Wrong. Those are RINOs which are nothing more than leftists in "disguise."

True Contrarian's picture

I took it as satire and enjoyed it as such. I expect very few outside the Beltway will mourn his passing. Still, his books remain a must read for those looking for insights into the global elites mindset.

yogibear's picture

His daughter followed being liberal ahole.

max_leering's picture

satire... get it?... s-a-t-i-r-e

but you're correct, zbig was one of the biggest p.o.s to ever roam the planet... now, more O2 for you and me

Ex-Oligarch's picture

Obviously, Croesus overlooked the first two words of the post ("Satirically submitted ...").
Also, apparently he has never read the Saker, despite its many appearances via ZH.
Which is a pity, because that site produces plenty of amusing food for thought, both factual and satirical.
Check it out, Mr. C, it's worth your while.

Yog Soggoth's picture

Croseus drinks lightning water in the morning. Wait till later to listen.

subversion's picture

yes, but who is Dmitry Medvedev? that should confuse these people

thunderchief's picture

The USA has become what I call the Enemy State. It cannot function without a conveyor belt of enemies, including Americans themselves, which must be split into red and blue through the very enemy state electoral college. If this was not so, 90 percent or more of Americans would tear down Washington and all of its corruption. Long Live the American Enemy State.

Mr Pink's picture

Trump's election was a huge victory but it has only bought us some time.

We are gonna lose this war and we are gonna lose it bigly.

The globalists not only control the media but now control the tech companies and therefore have control over the weak minded.

Civilized society will become a thing of the past. All of the world's cultures will be mixed together into a stew of chaos and violence and there won't be anywhere to hide

how_this_stuff_works's picture

"We are gonna lose this war and we are gonna lose it bigly."

I believe there's a very good chance of that. These war hawks talk big (and loudly) but the American people generally are soft; those who have any morality are often shouted down as haters and the rest are all hiding in "safe spaces."

I recall about 15 years ago some friends of mine, Baptists, told me the United States apparently has no role in the biblical fulfillment outlined in Revelations. Now, why that is no one can answer, but there is not a biblical mention of the United States.

FoggyWorld's picture

No there won't be anywhere to hide and given the chaos, millions of us will be removed.

jmack's picture

huhn?   our institutions have been infected, top to bottom, with the most virulent form of marxist thought, which is evolving into even more virulent forms as it begins to reshape our language so that we are abandoning basic concepts like gender... but we are winning.

HRClinton's picture

Zbigniew comes from a line of Polish aristocrats. I can see why he would hate communists: as an aristocrat, you have the perpetual right to seek rent and taxes from the masses. To end such a rent-seeking  parasitic lifestyle would indeed be most upsetting.

Rachel Maddow is a descendant of Russian Ashkenazi. They too had their rent-seeking lifestyle ended, when they were removed from positions of Influence and Power in Russia. Here too I understand why they and their descendants would be so upset.

In both cases it becomes clear to me why people like Mika and Rachel are motivated to perpetuate their Russophobia, and why they have parlayed it into a lucrative media business and opulent lifestyle in the US: moochers will mooch. It's in their genes/jeans.

(Bill and I aren't like that at all, of course.)

Friedrich not Salma's picture

I only upvoted you and yet I feel dirty.

pizdowitz's picture

They are mooching only because someone lets them. Hatred alone can earn only liver spots.

You lost, because your rationale is non-sensical, like square-dancing to the rap. Stop doodling.

ACP's picture


Reaper's picture

Hate brings meaning to a life of servitude.

mofreedom's picture

If you like your uranium, you can keep your uranium.

newJesus's picture

western people were indoctrinated to hate russians ever since ww1, perhaps even earlier. guess what? we don't give a fuck. we never claim the victimhood. its impossible to instill white giult in us russians. hello to many of my american friends. haters can suck my soviet cock


Vardaman's picture
Bol'shoy chelovek, you speak the truth...
Yog Soggoth's picture

Still can't let it go, can you? Its OK if you were abused. It is not your fault.

True Contrarian's picture

The seeds of right wing growth are sown in the ripe decay of failed leftist policy. Leftist libtards just don't seem to get that though. They blame it all on imagined isolationist partriarchal racist flyover America fascists who never worked a hard days work. Funny how the far right are in the hills with their firearms and tinned foods. The far left on the other hand are in everyones face telling them how to live while attempting to ignite WW3 with Russia. Give me the former anyday.

deoxy's picture

That is how collectivism goes round and round.

ZIRPY's picture

Living in a big city AND trying to start ww3 is just so fucking stupid! 

True Contrarian's picture

Ain't that the truth. But just like the Millenials ignoring the future, the left will create world war and worry about it after the double flash. Not too smart for sure.

Winston Churchill's picture

Watching the libturds melt down is the modern day visit to Bedlam with a pointy stick.

NSL's issued in the Seth Rich murder.Not going to work.Creates larger questions.

Savvy's picture

I enjoyed reading that. Only a moron would miss the satire.

HRClinton's picture

Well written, but too long.

I lost focus halfway through and scanned the rest.

ebear's picture

Americans lose focus after 144 characters.

Russians, OTOH, can remember the words to songs that are 100 years old!


In fact that seems to be some sort of trend these days - remembering the past in song, that is.


Alright now, everybody sing!



GeezerGeek's picture

Any one of those songs is easier to listen to than rap music. And they make more sense than those screaming banshee SJWs of the XX variety. (Not that those of the XY variety are any better.)

how_this_stuff_works's picture

If anything, it was a little over the top satire.

But I guess some people still missed it.

DaveyJones's picture

I heard there's a mathematical formula that ties the number of folks who miss the satire with the number who blame the Russians




Orlov is good:


dark fiber's picture

When governments fuck up and don't know how to distract people from the problems they created they need an enemy.  This is an enemy they manufacture with the explicit purpose of giving people a sense of goal and a reason to put up with more government fuck ups.  Ideally this enemy must be large enough  to be marketed as a legitimate threat and weak enough to ensure that provocations for the purposes of domestic posturing don't lead to a disaster.  Unfortunately Russia fails the second test.  Messing with Russia may lead to a seriously bloody nose int he case of the US or just getting mauled beyond recognition in the case of the EU.  Cultivating Russofobia is just suicidal opportunism.

Demologos's picture

Was Orwell giving us a model or a warning? It seems to be a model at this point. Hour of hate (today Putin, yesterday Kim Jong Un, bin Laden, Qadaffi, Ahmadinejad, Saddam Hussein, etc.). News media memory hole. We have always been at war with East Asia. Newspeak. Big Brother is an actual "reality" TV show. Ministry of Truth. Orwell was a prophet!

artichoke's picture

Yeah, I remember the national pride we felt at Reagan's great military victory in Grenada.  Seriously it was all over the papers for a couple weeks: our war against Grenada.

And Reagan the great, he won!!

Ex-Oligarch's picture

Back in the day I knew a guy whose wealthy family owned a lavish house on Grenada. The US military shelled their greenhouse.  It seems the family employed an elderly latino gardener who was tragically mistaken for a Cuban soldier.  True story.

JailBanksters's picture

Do the same rules apply for Israphobia ?


williambanzai7's picture

Precious bodily fluids...

DaveyJones's picture

One of the greatest films of all time made by one of the greatest directors

francis scott falseflag's picture

The oil the Russians are swimming in and we're almost out of, may be precious, but not bodily.