Gold Smuggling Surges: Man Caught "Walking Suspiciously" With 1 Kilo Bar In Rectum

Tyler Durden's picture

Authored by Simon Black via,

Earlier today in Sri Lanka’s Colombo International Airport, a passenger was arrested by local authorities and found to have stuffed nearly $30,000 worth of gold into his rectum.

That’s nearly 1 kilogram of gold. In his ass.

The gold had been carefully wrapped in plastic and included four small bars and multiple chains of jewelry.

Airport police were tipped off when they noticed the 45-year old man “walking suspiciously.” No sh*t, Sherlock.

And curiously this was not even close to the first incident of rectal gold smuggling in Sri Lanka.

Just last week another passenger was found with 314.5 grams of gold stuff inside her rectum. Amateur.

Gold, of course, has a long history of value and marketability, going back to ancient civilizations that have been extinct for thousands of years.

Archaeologists have unearthed dozens of graves, some of which date back more than 6,000 years, containing gold artifacts.

It is, by far, the oldest form of money that is still in existence today.

And it is a form of money. Despite you and I not being able to pay for a Starbucks coffee with gold, governments and central banks continue to hold the metal as part of their official international reserves.

Gold has also long been considered a traditional ‘safe haven’ asset. When the world goes crazy, the gold price spikes.

In the days after the 9/11 attacks 16 years ago, for example, the gold price shot up 33%. In the first few days of the Global Financial Crisis in September 2008, the gold price rose more than 20%.

And, until recently, every hint of a North Korean missile test sent the gold price higher.

In May 2013, for example, the North Korean missile test sent gold rising $54. Even earlier this year, North Korea’s missile test in April sent the gold price rising nearly $40.

Yet now, despite the prospects of war on the Korean peninsula being at the highest levels in decades, the gold price is actually falling.

This is totally backwards.

It’s not just the gold price, either. Physical demand for precious metals has also been lower in 2017, given the US mint’s dramatic 67% decline in sales earlier this year.

And the World Gold Council has also reported steep declines in gold demand so far in 2017– 18% in Q1 and 10% in Q2, most notably due to reduced demand from gold ETFs.

This trend makes sense given what we see in the news… or rather, don’t see in the news– have you noticed that no one really talks about gold anymore?

Gold commentary used to be a staple in financial media. Now the winds seem to have shifted– it’s all about cryptocurrency.

Cryptocurrency is definitely exciting. And with such absurd gains, it’s no wonder that crypto has been dominating headlines.

Crypto also represents the future.

Just today I received a payment to the bank account of our agriculture company here in Chile; the wire transfer originated in the United States, yet took three days to arrive.

Along the way, the banks took around $500 in fees. Around $150 of that was the wire transfer fees charged by the sending bank, receiving bank, and correspondent bank, plus another $40 in fees charged by SWIFT, the international payment messaging service.

On top of that, the sending bank charged a fat fee to convert the funds from dollars to pesos even though we explicitly instructed them to NOT convert.

Then the receiving bank charged another fat fee to fix the mistake and convert the funds back from pesos to dollars.


A cryptocurrency payment over the blockchain, on the other hand, would have taken minutes… maybe an hour or two at most. And cost less than $1.

As I’ve ranted about in the past, the crypto market is full of bubblicious irrationality at the moment. But the underlying technology is still revolutionary and highly disruptive.

(Not to mention our friends in Sri Lanka don’t have to cram any bitcoins into their rectums…)

But crypto’s power and potential is not in conflict with gold. Both represent a decentralized form of money. Both represent an alternative to the banking and monetary system.

It’s not a competition between gold and Bitcoin.

As a colleague of mine once said, I own gold for all the “I don’t knows.”

Will the US and North Korea go to war? I don’t know.


Will the US default on its enormous (and growing) $20+ trillion debt? I don’t know.


Will the central bank be able to expertly engineer the unwinding of its $4.5 trillion balance sheet and raise rates from historic lows without triggering any consequences whatsoever in financial markets? I don’t know.

By being 100% in dollars (or euros, pounds, renminbi, etc.), you are effectively saying, “Yes, I do. I know exactly what’s going to happen in the future. Everything is going to be fine forever, so I don’t need to hedge myself even one bit.”

That’s a pretty lofty bet.

Gold and crypto are both cut from the same cloth… and one trait they have in common is that they’re both for the “I don’t knows”.

This is not a question of either/or. The answer is both.

Do you have a Plan B?

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ParkAveFlasher's picture

This was no boating accident!

Dame Ednas Possum's picture

I hope he bought himself a bunch of flowers before he did that! 


Deathrips's picture

Market value opportunity. Kilo Gold Dildos .999 up your ass...better than a 90 degree angle up your ass.



Mr 9x19's picture

and he turd into gold...

chumbawamba's picture

He was literally carrying a metric assload of gold.

I am Chumbawamba.

SoilMyselfRotten's picture

This is the proper time to use paper gold, and so convenient to wipe your ass afterwards

Paul Kersey's picture

In America, they make these lubricated bags to wrap gold in, so that a thieving gold man can easily shove the booty up his booty. They call these slippery bags, gold man sacks.

HisNameIsRP's picture

rectum... nearly killed em'

Deathrips's picture

Ok fine.... no dildo. How about an egg? You could lay golden eggs?

Long physical. I am.



Muh Raf's picture

Your honour, I genuinely believed the bar was tungsten and about which I had read an article in Popular Mechanics claiming that gold plate tungsten was rumoured to alleviate haemorrhoidal and other anal abnormalities.... 

boattrash's picture

You should see what the arms dealers sell in Sri Lanka, but I wouldn't be able to walk with a 40 ft. shipping container in my ass...

Bigly's picture

He needed to shit a brick

StychoKiller's picture

And this is why sh!ttin' bricks has negative connotations!  The guy shoulda walked around with a cane to look more inconspicuous!

G-ray's picture

This guy know Turd Ferguson ?

TeethVillage88s's picture

Wire String or 'Stainless-Wire' retrieval on Gold Tampon is much better... plus make your Muslim Wife 'carry'!


Nekoti's picture

We know it wasn't Hedgeless Horseman.

PorscheNoSub's picture

Definitely a new market opportunity - the Gildo! .999 Fine! Never leave home without it!

loves the truth's picture

He could have got a lot more bitcoins up there instead

Stuck on Zero's picture

You can bet the crypto holders in Puerto Rico are cashing in big-time right now.

auricle's picture

Now that's some heavy shit. 

Deathrips's picture

Maybe should come up with a spherical gold kilo dildo?



Shitonya Serfs's picture

Yep. Still able to barter with Poop-bar. Thumb drive currency, not so much.

TeethVillage88s's picture

By Coincidence:

I just Designed and produced a gold bar shaped like human poop. I call it the Traveler, 3 Oz size and 6 Oz size which seem to work best.


TeethVillage, Internationalist

cheech_wizard's picture

If only they could get a dialtone or a wifi connection...

Standard Disclaimer: I'd be charging gold for wifi usage (so I am a greedy capitalist...fuck you)


tmosley's picture

Gold isn't doing anyone any good there either, idiot.

If you are investing your money based on the supposition that you will experience a calamity, you have your priorities seriously out of whack.

Dame Ednas Possum's picture

Champion investment advice from The Mozo, our own local expert on 'Whack'

Whacking off.

Being a whack job.

Being out of whack.

As always, thanks fro the laughs Mozo. You're as priceless a hat full of Shit Coins i.e. an empty hat.

tmosley's picture

None of that was an argument. Just a meaningless word salad.

A true peanut, to the end.

Dame Ednas Possum's picture

Correct. It was not meant to be an argument.

It was meant to be, and is, a mildly amusing insult.

Now run along. Your mum's calling. It's time for you to empty the cat litter box again.

Bill of Rights's picture

The fuck you care what anyone is doing with their money fan boy...

jin187's picture

Person 1 - Yo dude, I got 10 BTC on this thumbdrive. I'll trade it for that can of beans.

Person 2 - Or how bout this shiny gold bar?

Person 3 - No, and no.

Person 4 - *click-click* Gimme your gold, your BTC, and your beans.

Everyone else - OK.

Dame Ednas Possum's picture

Yeah yeah... cos' if I hold a gold bar I can't hold a gun.

And if the witch floats, she's made of wood... like a duck.

One of the best reasons to avoid bitcoins is the obvious fact that many of the breathless disciples are as dumb as a box of hammers. Lemming crowd.

SeuMadruga's picture

Isn't he the guy eating gold the other day ?

ParkAveFlasher's picture

That's a little hard to swallow.

Juggernaut x2's picture

That's where ZH goldbugs like to store it

Took Red Pill's picture

This commercial (disguised as an article) brought to you by;

Bay of Pigs's picture

No kidding. Another worthless read from Black.

Color me surprised.

EBT excepted's picture

ah likes me a gonchloadah d'golh...


nigrow rich...hunned dollah beel n a gonch loadah...

Implied Violins's picture

Bullshit. But this dude's lake must be near Montezuma...

HRClinton's picture

Rectum?  Damn near killed him!

No shit.

ParkAveFlasher's picture

As of 4:47pm EST, this is the best comment thread ever

assistedliving's picture

i know how he feels...

Implied Violins's picture

A lot of heavy shit going down these days.

The Greek horse's picture

It;s easier if your a tranny

CH1's picture

Gold is good... but I sure don't want to do that.

Cryptos for the.... comfort.

Juggernaut x2's picture

How many gold fillings do you have? Just asking for a friend.

Donald J. Trump's picture

Wait til they charge you with smuggling bitcoin.