Home Depot Panics Over Millennials; Forced To Host Tutorials On Using Tape Measures, Hammering Nails

Tyler Durden's picture

As wall street analysts celebrate the coming of age of the millennial generation, a group of young people who were supposed to lead another revolutionary wave of consumerism if only they could work long enough to escape their parents' basement, retailers like Home Depot are panicked about selling into what will soon be America's largest demographic...but not for the reasons you might think. 

While avocado resellers like Whole Foods only have to worry about creating a catchy advertising campaign to attract millennials, Home Depot is in full-on panic mode after realizing that an entire generation of Americans have absolutely no clue how to use their products.  As the Wall Street Journal points out, the company has been forced to spend millions to create video tutorials and host in-store classes on how to do everything from using a tape measure to mopping a floor and hammering a nail.

Home Depot's VP of marketing admits she was originally hesitant because she thought some of their videos might be a bit too "condescending" but she quickly learned they were very necessary for our pampered millennials.

In June the company introduced a series of online workshops, including videos on how to use a tape measure and how to hide cords, that were so basic some executives worried they were condescending. “You have to start somewhere,” Mr. Decker says.


Lisa DeStefano, Home Depot vice president of marketing, initially hesitated looking over the list of proposed video lessons, chosen based on high-frequency online search queries. “Were we selling people short? Were these just too obvious?” she says she asked her team. On the tape-measure tutorial, “I said ‘come on, how many things can you say about it?’ ” Ms. DeStefano says.

And just in case you think we're joking and/or exaggerating, here is Home Depot's tape measure tutorial in all its glory:


Meanwhile, Scotts Miracle-Gro has been forced to start training classes to remind frustrated millennials, who can't seem to keep their flowers alive, that plants need sunlight to grow (apparently not a single millennial ever took biology in grade school).  Commenting on the tutorials, a defeated VP of Corporate Affairs, Jim King, admitted "these are simple things we wouldn’t have really thought to do or needed to do 15 to 20 years ago"...sorry, Mr. King this is your life now.

The Scotts Miracle-Gro Co. has started offering gardening lessons for young homeowners that cover basic tips—really, really basic—like making sure sunlight can reach plants.


“These are simple things we wouldn’t have really thought to do or needed to do 15 to 20 years ago,” says Jim King, senior vice president of corporate affairs for Scotts. “But this is a group who may not have grown up putting their hands in the dirt growing their vegetable garden in mom and dad’s backyard.”


“They grew up playing soccer, having dance recitals and playing an Xbox,” says Scott’s Mr. King. “They probably didn’t spend as much time helping mom and dad out in the yard as their predecessors or their predecessors’ predecessors.”


Companies such as Scotts, Home Depot Inc., Procter & Gamble Co. , Williams-Sonoma Inc.’s West Elm and the Sherwin-Williams Co. are hosting classes and online tutorials to teach such basic skills as how to mow the lawn, use a tape measure, mop a floor, hammer a nail and pick a paint color.

Unfortunately, at least for the Home Depots of the world, millennials now represent the largest demographic in America with 4.75 million 26 year olds roaming the streets of New York, San Francisco and Los Angeles without a clue as to how to use a tape measure.

The biggest single age cohort today in the U.S. is 26-year-olds, who number 4.8 million, according to Torsten Slok, chief international economist for Deutsche Bank . People 25, 27 and 24 follow close behind, in that order. Many are on the verge of life-defining moments such as choosing a career, buying a house and having children.


Millennials as a whole are America’s latest demographic bubble, overtaking the baby boom generation and, like them, transforming popular culture, retailing, media and lifestyles. They make up about 42% of all home buyers today, and 71% of all first-time home buyers, according to Zillow Group . Some 86% of millennial home buyers reported making at least one improvement to their home in the past year, more than any other generation, Zillow says.


While we have our doubts that it will save their business, retailers like J.C. Penney and West Elm are trying to adapt to the millennial generation by offering basic in-home services like installing televisions or hanging wall art.

J.C. Penney Co. says the group is willing to hire others for projects. The retailer has pushed into home services, including furnace and air-conditioning repair, water-treatment systems and bathroom renovations, and expanded its window-covering installation.


“They’re much more of a ‘Do-It-for-Me’ type of customer than a ‘Do-It-Yourself’ customer,” says Joe McFarland, executive vice president of J.C. Penney stores. “You don’t need a ladder or a power drill, you don’t even have to wonder if you measured your window right.”


Home-furnishings retailer West Elm offers service packages, which start at $129, to provide plumbing and electrical work, painting, installing a television and hanging wall art and mirrors.


All that said, at least some millennials are trying to be more self-sufficient...as an example, the WSJ notes the case of 26-year-old Breanne Loes who recently borrowed her dad's power tools to craft a wooden headboard...which went really well AFTER she realized the saw blade was on backwards.

Ms. Loes enjoys do-it-yourself projects, and two summers ago built with her now-husband a wooden headboard in her parents’ garage, with help from an online tutorial, her dad, two older brothers and their tools.


The saw wasn’t working at first because the blade was backward. “That was embarrassing,” says Ms. Loes.

Congrats, Breanne, really great job...really.

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El Vaquero's picture

I built my tire carrier so that it would be easier to get to the spare than the stock solution.  As for parallel parking, I can do the whole pulling ahead of the space and backing into it all nice and straight, but I find that it's easier for me to pull up onto the curb with my front passenger tire, and then go back off.  I get funny looks when I do that, but IDGAF. 

yogibear's picture

It's sickening. Their feminized. 

Even the girls are more capable.

GeezerGeek's picture

Two, apparently. One to watch and interpret the Youboob video and one to actually do it. Or three, if the one holding the bulb is on a rotating barstool. Then you need someone to turn the barstool.

Give them all dangerous power tools and invest in hospital stocks. How many will win a Darwin award?

PresidentCamacho's picture

Give them Wood Chippers and watch the pension and social security crisis be resolved and the grass will never have been greener.

oldguy1's picture

3.... 1 to hold the bulb, 1 to turn the person holding the bulb and 1 to complain about gender and oppression 

Eyes Opened's picture

Make that 4... another one to stick his/her/its finger in the socket & make sure the wires are full of electrons....   :-)

the late idi armin's picture

3. 2 to hold the ladder and one to be proactive in making the change.

just the tip's picture

1  they hold the bulb and the world revolves around them.

Blurb's picture

Great one! And, though off-topic, my favorite of all time: 


How many muslims does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They sit in the dark and blame America. 

Uncertain T's picture

 Q: How many millenials does it take to screw in a light bulb?


A: Two.... one to hold the bulb and one to drink enough beer to get the room spinning.

unsafe-space-time's picture

You know you're in trouble when an average male doesn't know what hole to put his dick in

Donate Moar's picture


"doesn't know what hole..."

That does prevent replication of the problem.


Semi-employed White Guy's picture

Holy fuck. A lot of average "males" aren't even sure that they are male now!

Bunga Bunga's picture

None, because they have LED.

Badsamm's picture

I know a lot of young people planting their own gardens and getting off the grid while my parents can't figure out their cable box.
This is Home Depot's way of saying their numbers are hurting.

Zeej's picture

how many boomers does it take to fix a problem on their computer!? 

How many boomers does it take to figure out being born in the beggining of a debt supercycle built on lies is infinitely easier than being born at the end of a debt supercycle built on lies that are crumbling?

Boomers are so indoctrinated on the whole, its beyond sad. Millineals are too, but by the time we are the age of the boomers we will have nowhere near as many people asleep as the boomers do today.

ali-ali-al-qomfri's picture

One, but they'll have to shout really loud from the basement

in order for Mom to hear and come down and fix it.


post turtle saver's picture

I've said it before and I'll say it again... if you put your typical millenial in a vegetable greenhouse with an axe and a shotgun, they'd get lost finding their way out and starve to death

this is a generation that won't eat cereal because it's inconvenient to rinse the bowl afterwards

they're FUCKED

shovelhead's picture

A shotgun for vegetable gardening?

post turtle saver's picture

when you keep the critters away, you get to have vegetables... farm much?

FUBO's picture

What's a lightbulb?

Mr. Pain's picture

Mr. Pink "How many millenials does it take to screw in a light bulb?"


I don't know. I don't know how to change them. Call an electrician just to be on the safe side. 

pound the vix's picture

I'm sure you ment "to screw in an LED"

Metal-Fumed Fury's picture

Just one. He holds the bulb to the socket and the worlds revolves around him.


Van Halen's picture

Best Post Of The Day Award! :) 


Ajax-1's picture

It takes six. One to hold the bulb and five to spin the step-ladder.

Saucy-Jack's picture

Best job I ever had was working in a hardware store in High School.

Ajax-1's picture

It takes six. One to hold the light bulb and five to spin the step ladder. 

Justin Case's picture

How many millenials does it take to screw in a light bulb?

What's a light bulb?

SoDamnMad's picture

Better than the Smith & Wesson tutorials where they have to tell you which end of the bullet goes into the chamber  first.

junction's picture

Home Depot has its work cut out trying to get dummies to do home repairs.

Aubiekong's picture

I failed as a father in this... 19 year old son had been driving a car for three years, I had purchased some window washing fluid,  While he was seated in the driver seat of his car I asked him to pop the hood.  He did not know how....

Mtnrunnr's picture

you did. You need to make him change his oil too.

HockeyFool's picture

The vast majority of millenials and the generation after (gen Dumbass?) cannot perform basic maintenance of any kind, let alone change a flat tire.

But they are fucking great at playing video games, jacking off and watching porn.

Most can handle a bong too.

Agent P's picture

Pfffttt....I've been jacking off and watching porn since before the first millenial was even born.  

Badsamm's picture

You sound like my dad did when I was in High school 35 years ago

Eyes Opened's picture

I once caught my ex about to top up her engine oil with windscreen washer liquid....  lol

I ROARED at her from the bedroom window to stop !!! She was really pissed at me even tho she'd have fucked her car engine up...  lol

But as she's a gurl, I guess it's okay.... 

Said she was just tryin to be useful... poor thing...   :-)

SaulAzzHoleSky's picture

You should have told her if the cap says 710 on top that it is the wrong place.

It should have a picture of a winshield on it.

Eyes Opened's picture

Saul... I'd have had to spend another half hour explainin DAT ... & then be in MORE trouble for being "patronising"....  lol

SaulAzzHoleSky's picture

Anyone out there that still don't get it:

1. Write "710" on a piece of paper.

2. Turn the paper upside down....

Donate Moar's picture

"pop the hood"...

Maybe he thought you meant something else, and didn't want to have THAT conversation with Dad.

Justin Case's picture

Bet he can text, drive and smoke a joint at the same time?

Irate Samurai's picture

I wonder what shit-brained generation decided to devalue blue collar work and subsequently subsidize higher education which has led to a massive oversupply of white collar workers and shortage of blue collar workers. Hint: it wasn't the Millennials.

just the tip's picture

it was the same generation that is now being trashed, by assholes like yourself, for complaining about not having any say, in what you claim.

it was the elites.  it was the unholy alliance of big government and big business.

if you cleaned the shit from your own ears, not only do lowes and home depot want to bitch and moan about this shit, they don't want industrialization to return to the US.  it would raise their prices.

fuck lowes

fuck home depot

fuck apple

and fuck about a dozen other big businesses and their corporate and government overlords.

Irate Samurai's picture

You should read my other post. I am well aware of the corporate lobby being behind this. But it is the most recent generations actually rejecting the unholy alliance while older generations continue to cling to it. If we can take a minute to stop trashing Millennials we would realize that it is the probably the most libertarian generation ever, even with the abundance of snowflakes.

Totin's picture

The DNC mantra: You aren’t responsible or accountable. It’s someone else fault. Big brother is here to solve your problems.

shizzledizzle's picture

If shit ever hit's the fan like it did in the 30's these fuckers are going to be eating each other within a week.