hedgeless_horseman's annual Twelve Days of Christmas shopping list for the ZeroHedge readers in your life

hedgeless_horseman's picture


Tis the gift to be loving, tis the best gift of all
Like a quiet rain it blesses where it falls
And with it we will truly believe
Tis better to give than it is to receive

-Additional verse to Simple Gifts


Here it is, again, with plenty of time remaining for you to deploy capital: hedgeless_horseman's Twelve Days of Christmas shopping list for the ZeroHedge readers in your life. 


1) Hell's Angels: A Strange and Terrible Saga, by Hunter S. Thompson $12

This is a very well written book, maybe his best, about an incredibly interesting group of freedom loving Americans.  I referenced it in my recent ZH article, What would an anonymous, open-source, distributed-network, outlaw-gang look like?


2) Nigel Calder's Cruising Handbook: A Compendium for Coastal and Offshore Sailors $39

If ever someone's world turns to complete shit, and you want them to know which sailboat to beg, barter, or steal from the marina, and how to sail it, then this book is the ticket.


3) A bottle of Yuu Baal Mezcal Anejo $45

If you made it to the First ZeroHedge Symposium and Live Fight Club in Marfa, Texas, then you probably had more than a few shots of this with yours truly.  Very, very, smooth and earthy, it also works well sipped straight from the bottle in front of a campfire under the stars.  


4)  Staub Cast Iron Crêpe Set $99

A house guest from France helped us to perfect our crêpes.  mrs_horseman likes the sweet ones for breakfast with hot apples, crème fraîche, and caramel.  I like the savory ones for dinner with ingredients such as sausage, goat cheese, spinach, tomato, savory, and egg.  Like all Staub products, this pan should last a lifetime.   


5) Trezor Bitcoin Hardware Wallet $119

If you want to get someone started with Bitcoin, then get them a Trezor, and have them read my article, hedgeless_horseman's E-Z Internet Guide To Safely Buying and Then Conveniently Losing Bitcoin in a Tragic Boating Accident.   


6) Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University $119

We have given this 9 week course as a gift to family and employees, always recommending the live classes over the online.  It works because Dave understands that getting out of debt and building wealth is not so much about knowledge, as it is about behavior.   mrs_horseman and I regularly use Dave's tactics for talking with your spouse about money, which alone is worth the price.


7)  "Bob" Century's Body Opponent Training Bag $270

If you have a man on your Christmas list, like me, that is about half-a-century old, then consider this tool to help him keep his testosterone levels up, naturally, without drugs.  Just 5 minutes of beating the fuck out of Bob-the-Central-Banker, after my regular trail runs, and I am much better off physically, biochemically, and emotionally.  Easily converts to Larry-the-Lawyer, Paul-the-Politician, and Joe-the-Journalist. 


8)  12 Square Foot Indoor DIY Friendly Aquaponics System $311

This is the perfect gift for teaching kids of all ages, no matter where they live, that our food doesn't come from a supermarket.  If you want to go bigger, read the ZH article, Disintermediation yields a 2822% return on investment.


9)  Previously beloved Waterford Crystal tumblers, cocktail stemware, and decanter. Four tumblers or stems will cost between $90 and $600, and about the same for one decanter.

We visited the Waterford crystal factory in Ireland, just as they were shutting down production and moving it to Eastern Europe.  It was incredibly sad.  I have always found that a an Irish whiskey, cocktail, or Champagne is so much more enjoyable when served from, and in, Irish crystal.  Fortunately, the people at www.replacements.com can still help you give this experience to the people on your gift list that would appreciate some of the finest things in life.


10)  A set of two Ultra-light Level III PLUS Ceramic / Polyethylene Rifle Plates (Stand-Alone) $518

...and a BlackHawk Lo-Vis "Semi-Concealable" Plate carrier $50

As Hunter said, "When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro."  If someone on your list is concerned about things turning weird, then give the gift of protection this holiday season.  These will stop multiple hits of .308, but yet are so light that the little wife can easily wear them all day long.


11)  Paul Bond custom cowboy boots $1,000 and up 

In Marfa, many of you asked where we got our cowboy boots.  For more than 30 years our answer has been and remains Paul Bond.  There is simply no better boot maker in the universe.  As a gift to yourself, send in your measurements, and have a pair custom made.  They will last you a lifetime, and you will never regret it.


12)  Preparing for Zombie Apocalypse in just one weekend for less than $1,200

If you know a family, maybe even your own, that needs to check off the "prepper" box, and then move on in life, this is the gift.    


Merry Christmas!



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Spaced Out's picture

Those cowboy boots are ridiculously gay!

css1971's picture

Bottle of Old Pulteney. It's a light, aromatic and drinkable whisky.

An XO cognac from the filles.

Heavy bag. Bob's nice but what I need a throwing dummy, you can hang  (some) those up for kicks & punches as well.

Maybe a new bicycle.

But really what I want is less.

JacksNight's picture

This is a great list with hilarious commentary. Thank you. Also saw your "whores gonna whore" comment. Too funny.

Crawdaddy's picture

I may be old fashoined but when I hear someone tell how much their boots cost that gives me permission to stomp the hell out their precious double sewn happy homo boots (no matter how much I like them)

Seasmoke's picture

Past Christmas lists have been much more exciting. HH must be on Santas bad list this year.

joego1's picture

If I put on the boots and the body armor I may as well go ahead with the sailing manual because my wife will be done with it.


bugs_'s picture

Merry Christmas HH and ZH

83_vf_1100_c's picture

Dave #6 will call BS on #9. It's a fucking glass! $600 for a couple glasses is foolish snobbery. Buy some ammo, AG, a few hrs with a quality whore and just drink your booze out of a glass. Uncertain how much of the lead in that crystal leaches into the liquor.

Peterman333's picture

Hundred dollar crepe skillet? For that price I can get a Lodge skillet from Wally World for $13. Murican made and have enough left over for 4x silver eagles


Volkodav's picture

       buy used

       also Le Creuset  

       we use Le Creuset long handle skillit cook these

       buckwheat blini 



hedgeless_horseman's picture


The sturdy wooden handle allows one to grip the hot pan tightly, without an oven mitt, and toss the crêpe in the air to flip it over.  The small lip makes it easy. Plus, you get a wooden batter spreader and spatula. 

I do like Lodge, too, and have recommended their cast iron skillet in a past article.

Peterman333's picture

Agree and key to good crepes is to put the batter in the fridge for a bit to cool it off.

nmewn's picture

Hey HH! Thanks for the heads up on Nigel Calders book, I'm gonna have to grab one ;-)

CRM114's picture

It's a good book, but don't leave it till the apocalyse to learn to sail, which cannot be done from a book. Find some old salt, either ex-military or professional civilian sailor, and bribe him with booze and return air fare. You can hire a boat from almost anyone. Pick somewhere nice. If you do the Caribbean in Spring, I'll come.

Taking a course has some value, but is the expensive way of doing it.

This book is a necessity. I have not met a responsible ocean yachts(wo)man without a copy.


Mr.Danglemeat's picture

I met HST in 1974-75(?) he came and spoke at U/Mt.-Missoula. We were all smoked-up and he was gassed...just him and his bottle up there in a single spotlight, sitting in one of those old wooden school chairs where one arm is the desk and there's a rack under the seat for books. There were all of these googly-eyed journalism types trying to "out-cool" each other with witty asides about gonzo-journalism...When out of the smokey blue, my brother decides he needs Mr.Thompson's autograph on his paperback copy of fear and loathing in/on(insert title here) back then, nobody gave a shit about celebrity security so my brother just walks up on stage and asks Thompson if he's going to keep that bottle to himself or pass it around? So, Thompson hands my bro. the bottle and my bro. hands him the book for the autograph, only Thompson is too fucked-up to get the book to stay open so my bro. starts to leave the stage with Thompsons bottle...you could have heard an ant fart in that auditorium so, my bro. takes another slash from the jug, does a little jig and brings the bottle back, Thompson signs the fucking book and the audience goes nuts laughing thinking it was all planned but my brother is a fucking nut. That night we met Thompson at the "Top Hat" downtown..it's a fucking "Fern Bar" now,.. too bad. Oh yeah, Charlie Daniels Band came and played at the Arena, they were in between sets and ol' Charlie is finger diddling his violin and my brother screams out " Play that Fiddle You Fat Son of a Bitch!" and Charlie sez, "okay, I think I will." and launched into "the Devil went down to Georgia" first time any of us had heard it. I told you my brother was a nut right?

Global Douche's picture

Didn't know Charlie wrote that way back then, but he's got more moves than Ex Lax on the surprises he offers and that's among the reasons I truly like the guy. At that time, he was still famous for Uneasy Rider but Long Haired Country Boy was hotter than a firecracker around the time you encountered him!

With Uneasy Rider, I was but a pup back then and loved how he just reached out and "Kicked ol' Green Teeth right in the knee!"

FreeNewEnergy's picture

That crepe set is hells bells.

OT kinda: went to a local library who had informed me that they have an enormous amount of books left over from their recent book sale (which was hihgly profitable, nonetheless).

Holy baloney! About 3000 books, pretty well sorted, tons of cookbooks and gardening books. Anybody intersted should head up to the Sodus Library in Sodus, NY. All free, they'll even help you cart them away.

I'm going back tomorrow... ;-)

GreatUncle's picture

+1 all metaphors to the current economic position and how people actually feel.


Upland27's picture

I always enjoy your christmas shopping lists! 

44magnum's picture

Those cowboy boots look a little gay.

Mr.Danglemeat's picture

A little?? Those Boots  are bon-a-fide "gay"....."gay" like havin' a good time, "gay",,....."gay" like you've never bucked bales before?.. in the stack?.. for a nickle a piece when it's fuckin '93 degrees in the shade?

Have you ever been to a one room school house dance ?,...a dance where you get to dance with the free range neighbor Grrlz?....Grrlz, who could pull your sculpted Golds Gym quads into shoelaces, screw your brains out..(if any) and then floss their teeth (if any) ..and then go milkin' at 4:30?

Go find yerself a Free-range Wyoming Grrl,..one that ain't been poked for awhile,.then, you'll understand .."gay",,..

And, just when you think it's safe to go back in the water,...

she's straddling you again...

...and you thought you were

 "Bowlegged" before?,.....well,..you'll never play the piano again....

Whatever she does...,



you asked for it.

P.S. your little sister is comely.. can she cook?


Global Douche's picture

I don't think they're bad, with exception that the high heels are too damned high for this cowboy. I rodeoed decades back so high heels are a must for bronc and bull riders, but these look extreme if not painful after a while. My walk (I'm naturally bowlegged) is bad enough that the back quarters of the heels would get worn way off-angle within 6 months, requiring replacement of the heels' bottom rubber. To find a good boot shop where I live is also becoming way more difficult today, yet Texas is really close by! The nearest one I trust is a saddle shop some 80 miles from me as the last shoe repair closed shop a couple years ago. That's what happens with cheap plastic (with some leather for extra $$) Chinese shoes!

Mr.Danglemeat's picture

One time I made the mistake of mountin-up with some "city-slicker" heels...ended up on the down hill side..right side (down-hill) heel.. stuck through that fucking stirrup... (do you know THAT nightmare?). I remember that mare, turnin' and looking at me like I was some piece of shit..then she winked..she was either going to stomp me into burger,..or let me make THAT mistake again...god bless her,..here I am.

I remember the smell of a good boot shop, O'Dells,...when they told my mom they could fix it for a quarter, I knew I could pay my cub-scout dues that week.

hedgeless_horseman's picture


Paul Bond will put on about any type of heel, but are known for the underslung look.  mrs_horseman and I like to get a spur shelf on the pairs we use for riding, because we often wear spurs and don't like them getting ripped off of our feet during occasional, impromptu, unintended, and often quite thrilling rodeo action.  

Mr.Danglemeat's picture

Impromptu, unintended rodeo action lol, you mean like watching your pack string go bouncy bounce across the county scattering those carefully stowed victuals? Doesn't matter if you do have the latest and greatest "Hard-sided" panniers, those four dozen eggs are pre-scrambled in the carton. Then you see that fucking sow and her two cubs stand up and look straight at us (they can't see worth shit but that smeller is constantly twitching and now due to the impromptu rodeo, we smell like food...double fuck!!)

I was on a four yr. old gelding named Stan and that bastard reared and turned a 180 at lightspeed but I had ahold of the horn as I was leaning forward to see just exactly what had stood up in front of me and that's about all I remember because the rest of the ride was a blur of "Dog Hair" Lodgepole Pine as ol' Stan was plowing through any hole that looked big enough for him. Somehow, I kept my mount but lost a sizeable piece of hide on my right leg. It was about two hours to dark, I'm fucked-up, my partner's nowhere to be found, there's a sow with cubs somewhere close and my gun's in one of those panniers...triple fuck!!

 In hindsight it was a good thing that I didn't have my gun because I'd have shot that horse right there, started a fire and ate him. I had one rein left and a four inch stub where the other one had been and it's a looong way back to the truck. Then I notice ol' Stan is starting to stiffen-up on one side and if I don't keep moving he's going to lie down and then we're both outta the pan and into the coals...triple fuck squared!!!

 Somehow my Motorola had survived getting launched onto the rocks and I could hear the squelch keying on and off somewhere close but the sage was four feet tall and thick and it hurt like a bitch to bend over looking for it, plus ol' Stan's still twitchy and I could see the whole thing getting started again as Stan heads for home and I'm left alone in the middle of nowhere blubbering like a little kid.

 Anyway, long story short, I found my radio and then my partner found me and Stan, my partner hadn't seen the sow and his horse hadn't winded her, he said it was pretty funny watching me and Stan get really small going through those pines. I imagine it was pretty funny, the difference between then and now though, is I can laugh about it now and it doesn't hurt.

 Impromptu, unintended rodeo action. haha, now that's some funny shit! thanks for the giggle.


jmack's picture

naw, the gay ones have dildo tips. those are the metro sexual ones.

BandGap's picture

And you know this how?

CRM114's picture

You will regret asking that!

jmack's picture

austin saturday night...

Dickweed Wang's picture

Just 5 minutes of beating the fuck out of Bob-the-Central-Banker, after my regular trail runs, and I am much better off physically, biochemically, and emotionally.


That one was/is a great idea but the price ($270 a pop) is not so great.  As an alternative, how about duct taping a real central banker to a heavy bag stand and having at 'em?? Not only would that alternative be cheaper [Note - The kidnapping fee is not included in the retail price] it also wouldn't take too much to motivate most people . . . for the ultimate workout.

Two Theives and a Liar's picture

Great list HH! 

I'm with ya on several items...the Trezor is on mine. Interesting (and savvy) choice on the HST book! Agreed it could be his best. I would possibly have chosen "The Great Shark Hunt" which is sort of a greatest hits. 

I still make sure to read "Fear and Loathing at the Super Bowl" every year at the appropriate time. One of his best shorter essays : 

.."The jangling of the telephone caused me to interrupt my work. I jerked it off the hook, saying nothing to whoever was on the other end, and began flashing the hotel operator. When she finally cut in I spoke very calmly. "Look," I said. "I'm a very friendly person and a minister of the gospel, to boot — but I thought I left instructions down there to put no calls — NO CALLS, GODDAMNIT! — through to this room, and especially not now in the middle of this orgy ... I've been here eight days and nobody's called me yet. Why in hell would they start now?... What? Well, I simply can't accept that kind of flimsy reasoning, operator. Do you believe in Hell? Are you ready to speak with Saint Peter? ... Wait a minute now, calm down ... I want to be sure you understand one thing before I get back to my business; I have some people here who need help ... But I want you to know that God is Holy! He will not allow sin in his presence! The Bible says: 'There is none righteous. No, not one. ... For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God.' That's from the book of Romans, young lady. ..."

I miss that man:

Merry Christmas! 


Juggernaut x2's picture

What would Old Hunter think of the current pink-socks-wearing NFL?

New_Meat's picture

Hi h_h:

" mrs_horseman and I regularly use Dave's tactics for talking with your spouse about money, which alone is worth the price."

I asked Mrs_Meat about that conversation.  It was amusing, since she's schooled Ramsey on the topic of "frugal."  An Irish-Yankee, who knew?

VWAndy's picture

 The art of war should be on every list.

New_Meat's picture

Get Sam Griffith's translation, it was his PhD. thesis at Oxford.  Before that, he had some decades of experience in this area, including going for long strolls in China.

Two-bits's picture

The greatest gift i have received is the knowledge that no one is coming to save me.


HRClinton's picture

I'll drink to that, HH.

I observe the Winter Solstice religiously.

eclectic syncretist's picture

Can the boots be used to kick the shit out of Bob-the-Central-Banker, or are they just for show?

Overfed's picture

I can agree with HH's choice of mezcal, but Bushmill's? May as well be drinking a blended Canadian whiskey. For a good Irish whisky, go with Knappogue Castle.

wildbad's picture

as a dyed in the wool mick i am surprised anyone drinks Irish whiskey at all.

i do lots of home brewing and distilling. there are tiny breweries all around the Blck Forest where I live and they demolish All of the classic Irish whiskies I knew from my youth.

So, bushmills, paddy, .... please

hedgeless_horseman's picture


Having actually dined and stayed the night in that very castle, I much prefer the honey meade they make locally and serve.  

. . . _ _ _ . . .'s picture

"Gives a man a halo, does mead."
-Mark Addy as Friar Tuck, Robin Hood (2010)

Overfed's picture

I wish the TSA would go away so that I could fly. I make a pretty mean apple mead myself.

Juggernaut x2's picture

The Hell's Angels? Seriously?

boattrash's picture

They ran one of the finest establishments I've ever been to, "The Great Alaskan Bush Company".

Fishkiller's picture

That was the best bar that I have ever been to! Every last waitress/lap dancer was a solid 10! I think I still have one of their T-shirts in my drawer.