There Is Now A Celebrity Perv Random Apology Generator

Tyler Durden's picture

As the avalanche of celebrity sexual predators continues to build, it is becoming harder and harder for these men to come up with excuses, apologies, and promises that sound in any way honest and repentful... Until Now!!

Thanks to the magic on the interwebs, old and young white men across media, hollywood, and sports now have a simple one-stop shop to create the perfect, sincere, seeking help' apology - with just the right amount of self-loathing and virtue-signaling - with just one click...

Meet The Celebrity Perv Apology Generator

Source

Some of our favorites include...

"As someone who grew up in a different era, the allegations against me are troubling. I imagined that any woman would have been thrilled to see a tiny penis peeking out from below my pasty, middle-aged paunch like the head of a geriatric albino turtle moments from death, and of course now I realize my behavior was wrong. In conclusion, I will delete my Twitter account because I hate to see people who are mad at me."

 

"As the father of daughters, the allegations against me are troubling. I comforted myself by saying that at least I asked before I “honked” her boobs and demanded she watch me shower, and of course now I realize my behavior was wrong. In conclusion, I will not change anything about my actions or behavior."

 

"As a male feminist, the allegations against me are troubling. I will devote my life to finding the real Golden Globes party molester, and of course now I realize my behavior was wrong. In conclusion, I will get the help I so desperately need because this isn’t actually my fault, I have a problem so I’m not responsible for my actions."

 

"As someone who grew up in a different era, I am deeply ashamed (but not “sorry” because that means I’m guilty of something). It was a very long time ago, and of course now I realize my behavior was wrong. In conclusion, I have chosen to live my life as a gay man so if you say anything bad about me now you’re homophobic."

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Cognitive Dissonance's picture

I'm still waiting for the "I destroyed the world's financial system" apologies to begin.

Tallest Skil's picture

"This is the fault of capitalism..."

Bush Baby's picture

When are Shep Smith's and Anderson Coopers' accusers coming forward?

hedgeless_horseman's picture

 

"Sorry, I thought you were still asleep."

-Bill Cosby

CrazyCooter's picture

"Either we're f**king or I'm f**king." - Bill Cosby

Regards,

Cooter

 

Max Cynical's picture

"She never complained, not once, when my dick was in her mouth."

Erek's picture

It's impolite to talk with your mouth full.

Sylvan's picture

She could just squeze her teeth if she wouldn't agree, I think,...

serotonindumptruck's picture

Their offers to felate random men in filthy restroom stalls at local truck stops and interstate rest areas obviously qualify as simple solicitation.

Irish Yoga's picture

Ass sex by fags is not reported. It's a lifestyle.

Kidbuck's picture

Kids from the bus station restroom are too high on meth to come forward.

runswithscissors's picture

Stop blaming white men...they are mostly jews.

Sylvan's picture

Define 'mostly', because I am white and not jew,...

CaptainObvious's picture

You want an apology out of Soros?!  Dayum, now that's some optimism there.

Cognitive Dissonance's picture

Sociopaths need not apply for forgiveness.

peddling-fiction's picture

"Sociopaths need not apply for forgiveness."

<crickets>

debtor of last resort's picture

"My job is to look over the fence and puke"

Mr Yellen

lasvegaspersona's picture

At least R Crumb will never have to apologize. Anyone who read Captain Pissgums and his Pervert Pirates (or Ruby the Dyke) knew what they were getting into from the moment they gazed upon the cover.

It has been said that the difference between rape and good sex is salesmanship.

These famous guys apparently decided they were too important to deal with the sales part.

Nightjar's picture

I did it because my ancestors were genetically scarred in the holocaust goy, money please.

CheapBastard's picture

"While I do not recall raping those 8 women over a period of five years in my apartment and at my vacation homes, I am deeply saddened since I realize I could have been more sensitive to these gals. It was so very long ago and so many molestations ago it’s difficult to remember who is whom. In fact, many times I was the victim of these predatory women wearing those tiny miniskirts. They asked for it as I recall."

cheech_wizard's picture

> I realize I could have been more sensitive to these gals

"At the very least, I could have bought them breakfast and paid their cab fare"

NumberNone's picture

"I should have kept my damn mouth shut about Trump. Being famous really did allow me to grab them by the pussy. Now those days are gone thanks to my hypocritical stance. For that I'm sorry".

CheapBastard's picture

And these fuckers crucified Trump for merely calling someone fat.

Seeing these perverted pontificators fall is a wonderful Christmas gift for Deplorables!

yaright's picture

Better get a turbo version because this is going to turn into a landslide

 

Morh POPCORN!

DrData02's picture

Can't they just simply say they are either Democrats or black (or both) and be done with it?

Crazy Or Not's picture

THEM:"Hillary made me do it?"
         "The puppy dog eyes of those Haitian refugee children, made me take them to a Comet pizza basement..."

Me: Gets AR & hollowpoints... Every problem has a solution.

Joebloinvestor's picture

Magic 8 Ball to sue for copyright infringment.

roadhazard's picture

It is base instinct in men to procreate as much as possible for survival of the species.

rejected's picture

Females are drawn to strong and powerful males which is why the poor bastards were successful to begin with. It's in the females DNA. This is why there is little complaint from the Feminazi's in Sweeden and EU from the rapes. Their males are obviously pussies allowing this to happen. Females will  of course deny this but why do you think the phrase "Nice Guys finish last"  means. 

As soon as the women now complaining discovered the men that probed them were now weak and vulnerable they smelled blood and attacked like Piranha.

Rainman's picture

Tomorrow headliner... Bathouse Barry and the masseur

rejected's picture

Just keep drinking that Soy milk and all those good fer ya Soy powerbars. Soon you'll have your own titties to grope! Any sexual libido will disappear and your tool will slowly disappear.  Today's female version of the perfect mangirl.

CaptainObvious's picture

I'm waiting for the real, honest "apologies"...along the lines of "Yeah, I raped her ass.  And I will rape your ass, too!  All of you!  You're all fucking peasants and I am your master!  Now, bow down before me, your _______ (choices include: favorite actor, powerful director, congresscritter, trusted news anchor, music executive, tech titan, and miscellaneous purveyor of unmitigated power), and pay me homage!  No, bow down the other direction, so I can fuck your ass at my leisure!  MU-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

Rainman's picture

+1 powerful ... i laffed ... is that bad ?

GunnyG's picture

Bill Clinton is pissed off that this wasn't invented back when Monica was chugging his load and he was raping teens.

roadhazard's picture

I Think the Founding Fathers were also fucking black womens on the side.

GunnyG's picture

I don't know I wasn't there but I was there for Bubba Clinton's escapades.

roadhazard's picture

All the sudden you don't know something...lol

GunnyG's picture

All of a sudden you DO! Got proof of the Founders? 

roadhazard's picture

If you don't want to Google it I ain't doing it for you, son.

CaptainObvious's picture

Uh, it's fairly common knowledge that Jefferson had kids with his black slave, Sally Hemings.

youngman's picture

Its funny..but the ones that are not being accused...have probably made better payoffs to keep them quiet....the ones being accused were cheap....and you can tell most of them are and were

Crazy Or Not's picture

I'm told Clinton Foundation balance is going South, renegociation NDA's is going North 

koan's picture

I'm waiting for that one hero that comes out and says "Yeah I did it, and so what...".

You're going down anyways so why go down apologizing.

all-priced-in's picture

Why not

 

She grabbed my dick first!