Elon Musk Pulls An ICO

Capitalist Exploits's picture

By Chris at www.CapitalistExploits.at

First up, this beauty received by one of the crew here at HMS Capitalist Exploits:

Marketing an ICO...

Killer!

The Tesla ICO

Speaking of ICOs, last week something amazing, breathtaking, and revolutionary happened. We had another ICO... the very first of its kind.

An Initial Car Offering.

Pundits said it was an unveiling of the Tesla semi truck, but we now all know it was actually a thinly veiled capital raise.

Like many good things in life, this also began with foreplay.

Customers and shareholders are like women ovens - they need to be warmed up first.

So a few weeks before launching the ICO, the oven was dialled up:

Amazingly, I woke up this morning and, though having watched the unveiling, I looked around me and couldn't notice anything different (though my dog had this strange look in his eyes).

My mind was surprisingly still in my skull and had not been sent into an alternate dimension, which was disappointing as I was quite excited by the prospects of that.

Anyway, so once the engine was warmed, we were treated to the de-robing of this.

I thought at first I'd missed it. Then I watched it again. And no, I hadn't.

There was zero explanation of how Tesla would get all the dough to build this creature, where it would build it, and how (given the competition all have existing production plants, positive cashflows, dough in their treasuries, and access to credit markets) Tesla miraculously thinks that by the time it gets there it will have all of these things as well as the technology (that does not yet exist) to pull it off.

But then my nerves were calmed when they offered a warranty on the product. Wait, what? A warranty BEFORE they have a product? Killer!

I guess there's a first time for everything.

But that wasn't to be all.

No, then came the real showstopper as Elon went a step further in prostituting promoting Tesla. The fastest sports car in the world. And it may even just fly.

The kid in me did backflips. I sooo want a car that flies. Don't you?

But then I remembered that there was a time when I really wanted the Easter bunny to be real, too.

Now, being older and wiser, I realise that rabbits screw up your lawn and chocolates make you fat, and I want nothing to do with either of them.

What I would like to know is how they found the time to muck around developing both a sports car and a giant truck when they can't get a little Model 3 out?

Maybe that's just me being a grouch. Heck, what do I know about cars? Mine's 5 years old and smells of kids sweaty football socks which are buried in the back there somewhere.

Thankfully, I didn't have to wait too long to figure out how they intend to fund some of this:

Now, when I saw this I'll admit to having made the sort of noise a cat would make if fed through a mangle.

I realised then that Tesla was trying to pull off an ICO.

You see, the thing with 99% of ICOs is they're kinda like the deals on Kickstarter, which means that you don't actually get anything. It's more like a donation... or part of a rewards points system. You know, like your air points where you get to trade them for a flight to Greece for a dirty weekend away or to upgrade your flight to first class so you can sit next to all the folks who eat lobsters in their bathrobes.

This works spectacularly well for anyone uneducated in investment markets. And that, my friends, is perfect for Tesla. Because you know what?

That's about 90% of the population.

For the other 10%, here are some things to consider.

I'll gladly admit to not really knowing a lot about cars. I like them very much as long as they take me where I want to go and do all the cool things that modern cars do.

But try explain to me about all the ins and outs of the bits inside and my brain does that man thing - it stops working and starts thinking about sex.

But what I do know a thing or two about is numbers and markets. And frankly, when Musk starts talking about these things he may as well be speaking Nepalese and explaining how to cook a yak stew because it's all complete gibberish.

Tesla by the Colours

Last week when we were staring at Margot Robbie (don't tell me you didn't stare), and we said:

It was overconfidence that led the pointy-shoed suits on Wall Street to package subprime mortgages up, believing that a pile of isht when added to other piles of isht through the magic of diversification turns isht into non isht.

Like Margot explained in the Big Short (and bear with me as I'm extrapolating here): If we use Wall Street logic, you take the colour red and add it to more red... much more... you can get green.

So let's run through Tesla by the colours, and then after that we'll run through it by the numbers. Sounds fair?

  • SolarCity: Red
  • Gigafactory: Red
  • Model 3: What Model 3?
  • Model 3 in full production: Red
  • Tax credits: Green... ah isht... no, make it red

Excellent!

So red + red + red + red + red = Green.

Tesla by the Numbers

Let's take Q3 cashflow and toss in interest charges for 2017 (which is only fair — after all, someone has to pay them).

With that we realise that Tesla burned through about US$1.7bn or about US$500m a month.

Now, let's be super conservative and say capital expenditures remain at 2017 levels, which is absurd and impossible given the new initial car offering and that semi truck, too (it'll be far higher).

Anyway, let's give it to them.

Well, let's say they can find 1,000 fools buyers to drop a quarter million bucks on a pre-order for a car that they hope to receive some years in the future. Let's say they can do that.

That'll put US$250m into Tesla's treasury, which will buy them less than 3 weeks. Killer!

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that in the first quarter of 2018 Tesla's going to lose US$1bn. Crazy, I know. How long for? It'll go on until it doesn't.

And here's something to think about...

Here's Venezuela's 5-year sovereign CDS spread:

You may ask, why Chris are you posting this in an article about Tesla?

Well, Venezuela — like Tesla — made promises it couldn't keep.

What I'd really like to know from you today is this:

Tesla poll
Cast your vote here and also see what others think will happen

- Chris

“If you wouldn’t be short a multi-billion-dollar loss-making enterprise in a cyclical business, with a leveraged balance sheet, questionable accounting, every executive leaving, run by a CEO with a questionable relationship with the truth, what would you be short? It sort of ticks all the boxes.” — Jim Chanos

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HominyTwin's picture

Has anybody watched the unveiling on youtube? So disgusting. All these fanboys yelling and whooping like he's a rockstar. If you can watch it without cringing, then you are made of strong stuff.

Neochrome's picture

Let's be honest here for a moment, shell we?

First of all, American cars are shit, if you want a reliable car get a Toyota even if it's "made" in USA. Again, I understand that if you are on GM or Ford payroll or have financial interests tied to them it is ominous to see an American car maker actually get the world excited about it's products. 

Second of all, we can discern Musk's state of mind from a kind of industries he is trying to develop: solar, space, electric cars, futuristic trains and so on, if you are trying to convince me he is in it for the money you will have to do much better job. If anything Musk is the polar opposite to Bezos. 

Finally, let's have a national debate about where the money should be spent, paying MIC trillions of dollars for their planes that can't shoot nor fly and boats that can't stay afloat, or investing money into exactly what is Musk working on: space, solar and electric.

maxz23's picture

what is an "american" car? chrysler/dodge does not make cars in the united states(just trucks). but maybe you still consider them "american made". as for gm/ford most of gms corvette design for example was stolen from bmw and others, most of their parts are foreign made, at least a good % of them.

 

further, you say toyota is reliable? really? toyotas with takata airbags that kill you, made with mitsubishi parts and sealants that faked data and kobe steel that is very suspect because of faked quality data? those toyotas? (also aluminum, steel and sealants to companies like boeing but thats another story i dont care since i dont fly).  or maybe you like nissan? or maybe you like subaru? which also faked their data? you seem to love japan inc.

 

your thinking is so cliche and old i bet you own an iphone.

 

stop your billionaire dicksucking because it is 100% clear you cannot  "discern" shit,  let alone mindread someone else's motives from their marketing material.

 

dumbfucking idiot.

 

 

Neochrome's picture

Reading is hard. Or perhaps you have a problem with comprehension? Whatever, here is a "too long didn't read" for you, if you need pictures you can visit the web site. But no bananas for you, you are a bad monkey. 

https://cars.usnews.com/cars-trucks/most-reliable-cars-cars-that-last-fo...

Most Reliable Cars: Cars That Last Forever

To save you clicks here is the list:

Toyota Highlander Hybrid

 

Subaru Forester

 

Honda Odyssey

 

Toyota Prius

 

Honda Pilot

 

Lexus RX Hybrid

 

Toyota Sienna

 

Toyota RAV4

 

Honda CR-V
maxz23's picture

youre so fucking confused you cant 'discern' your elbow from your asshole but youre right elon loves you, knows if youve been bad or good and wants to take you to mars with him on his solar rocket powered sleigh.

 

you can keep sychopanting musk on the weekends eventhough he the king of vaporware.

 NOTHING is REAL, EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE IS A FRAUD, all that matters is MARKETING

only the shiny image matters - simulacra is ALL there is

and you are proof of concept.

 

 

Betrayed's picture

Hey dumbfuck. My friend owns a Model S. Its an Awesome car. Totaly reliable, great performance, and its as real as it gets. Stick your pea brain back in the toilet.  Moron.

Neochrome's picture

Your reply is a classic "chimp out", just a monkey slinging shit with no reason, logic or any informational context to it.  Eat shit cunt.

maxz23's picture

 

 

 

youre so way out of your depth prius boy

 

 

stick to the shallow end of the gene pool before you drown yourself.

 

 

you win today's no prize

 

 

  now run out and buy one those "reliable" cars you love so much and win a darwin award.

 

 

 

lakecity55's picture

The truck will only be able to carry a small snickers bar, as the rest will be made of of batteries.

 

maxz23's picture

1000 fools? try 10,000 @250K you dont think there are enough tools w 250k just drooling at the chance to own the newest greatest piece of icrap wherever it comes from in whatever form it shows up in?  watch glasses car triple distilled peruvian organic cocaine? genetically midwifed 2oz mini tea cup 3 colored salamander? 2000 dollars for a cell phone? there is so much money floating around in tight formation a 1000 buyers at 250k is nothing i guarantee you theyve already got 10000 pre orders(2.5billion).

 

IF mitsubishi, kobe steel, GM et al hell the entire fortune500 can sell ghosts based on non-GAAP EPS, why not tesla?

fraud and marketing for NOW is ALL there is;   IBG YBG  who cares about burning some billions in some quarter

 

did WE GET THE SUBS?  thats all that matters;  only the ponzi matters is another way of saying it..which i think was the point that the author of this article was making...maybe i missed the point...

 

 

shutterbug's picture

That Truck will have Zero payload over needed miles within wanted time span...

A failure from the start because current generation batteries isn't suited for the wanted amount of weight....

Next gen might be, but this one isn't. Otherwise the Tesla personal cars would have a range of 1000++ miles...

maxz23's picture

what..what is that...logic?  so silly...pfffft as if

RightLineBacker's picture

Invest and fear not.

Musk's secret plan is to make $ Trillions renting condos on Mars.

 

oncemore's picture

I do not get it, why CIA is financing him.

Where is the benefit for CIA?

What could be behind this front???

peddling-fiction's picture

SpaceX is one.

Our perception of "Space" is CeeIgAy territory.

Cabreado's picture

In a false economy, there is much headroom to play...

A false economy is enabled by a huge Volume of Entitlement and Ignorance.

What's a "false economy?" 

It's one where money is printed at will, and rule of law is nothing more than an inconvenience.

zagzigga's picture

Sadly, the few who benefited despite and not because of this false economy think that this is all real and that those who are paying the price for this are deplorables.

ChumbaWumba's picture

99% of ICOs are frauds.

Sauce: Pulled out of his ass.

a Smudge by any other name's picture

The above comment does NOT conform to CHUMBAWAMBA quality standards and is currently under review. Readers are advised to avoid the above comment pending resolution of certain discrepancies.

Madolf Sanders Hitler's picture

Elon's crossed the rubicon. He's too big to stop. Tbtf. Plus the S.Africa CB would back him if need be (brids of a feather). I'm selling my ice-semi a.s.a.p

koan's picture

People still use AOL?

Yen Cross's picture

 Elon Muck , is running on vapors...

bshirley1968's picture

Not only do I agree with all the sensible point you made and think that Musk is an hack......that was funny and entertaining.   Bravo!

pitz's picture

Nothing that a little shot of Haldol won't fix.  Lol.

Pernicious Gold Phallusy's picture

Imagine how much good he could do if he put his talents toward something useful, like getting laid.

Rex Andrus's picture

Mark Twain presents: The Carpetbagger and the Scallawag https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZBtlJva4tf8

DisorderlyConduct's picture

If any other person on planet Earth spewed the verbal diarrhea that Musk does, they would rightly be locked up as certifiably insane.

He's just that good of a salesman. But truth will win out.

roadhazard's picture

Musk has more irons in the fire than you can cover. Keep whining, he may get disheartened... heh.

 

https://finance.yahoo.com/news/elon-musk-tesla-finished-building-065521552.html

any_mouse's picture

Maybe Elon should concentrate on the goal of regular production of Model 3.

I suspect Elon has a short attention span and the Model 3 was so last month.

Add in hyper activity and Elon jumps from one project to another like a click on a web link on a broadband connection.

Elon could be a smart guy, one that has a lot of great ideas in his mind, but has trouble completing projects in the real world.

roadhazard's picture

Yes, everything should be completed and tied with a bow as soon as he thinks of it.

VWAndy's picture

 Insanity as a hobby?

Moe Hamhead's picture

What a nice design exercise.  Except he'll have to pay royalties to Hoover!

rosiescenario's picture

This reminds of a former car company that resorted to the sale of coke during its final gasps.....ironically, that car was used in Back to the Future.....and here we are with Tesla.

Urban Roman's picture

I'll bet on Biffett's railroad against Musk's truck, any day. Well, really neither of them. But railroad >> truck...

HowdyDoody's picture

ICO? Inevitable Conflagration Offering?

Stuck on Zero's picture

Musk's truck needs beefier bumpers.