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After 50: Get A Job, Work Longer, And Become A Woman

Tyler Durden's picture


As we discussed recently, the idea of retirement - given ZIRP (or even NIRP) - remains further and further away for many middle-aged men and women in America. But Michael Cembalest has some sage advice for those who are passing 50 years old with whimsical views of Viagra-commercial-like retirement settings any time soon. Based on recent research from the Munich center for the economics of aging, one should keep working as long as possible (the precipitous drop in cognitive function once retirement is hit is enormous) - which also offers some insight into why the long-term unemployed suffer so much more in ever getting back into the work-force. More importantly, it seems as we pass that magic 50 year-old barrier, so men's cognitive function plunges far quicker than women's - especially in immediate and delayed recall (where did I leave my keys?). The bottom line is, if you want to succeed later in age: get a job; keep a job; work that job longer; and become a woman!


Source: JPMorgan


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Wed, 07/18/2012 - 15:00 | 2629448 fireangelmaverick
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In other words "Become Barney Frank!"


Wed, 07/18/2012 - 15:15 | 2629502 otto skorzeny
otto skorzeny's picture

i didn't see anyting about "be a sodomite"

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 15:16 | 2629510 Precious
Precious's picture

This headline is in reverse notational form.

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 15:30 | 2629547 The Big Ching-aso
The Big Ching-aso's picture



I refuse 2 become a transvestite so I can get ass phucked 2 keep my job.  Oh, wait.

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 15:43 | 2629613 zuuma
zuuma's picture

I'm a Lesbian - TRAPPED in a man's body. no worries!

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 16:00 | 2629682 nokomarie
nokomarie's picture

Wow, Eddie Izzard reads ZH!  Who knew?

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 17:05 | 2629874 Haywood Jablowme
Haywood Jablowme's picture

Well considering most middle-aged men of the USSofA are overweight and have man-boobs, I'd say the country is pretty much there.


Wed, 07/18/2012 - 20:29 | 2630261 Pure Evil
Pure Evil's picture

And, to finish off the transformation, put on a wig, shimmey into a dress, and don't forget to shave those legs.

Fashion tip: High heels add a touch of elegance to any outfit.

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 19:34 | 2630113 Chuck Walla
Chuck Walla's picture

i didn't see anyting about "be a sodomite"


Being "flexible" can only help. We're all getting fucked anyway, might as well find a new way to enjoy it.


Forward, Soviet!

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 14:56 | 2629423 zero19451945
zero19451945's picture

Boomers are going to be pushed out into the stock market for yield. They literally have no other choice.

However, dividend yields are so pathetically low that they'll have trouble there also.

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 15:00 | 2629449 lemonobrien
lemonobrien's picture

everyone when they're old use dividends to supplement their income.

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 15:04 | 2629463 zero19451945
zero19451945's picture

Not really. My grandmother survived purely on bank interest.

The chart I'm looking at has the dividend yield of the S&P500 at 2.00%. You're going to have a real hard time surviving on that.

Dividend stocks in general are being bid into the stratosphere right now. It's clearly a bubble forming but the supporters are vicious in attacking anyone who suggests it.

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 15:06 | 2629471 Joe Davola
Joe Davola's picture

2% >> bank interest these days.

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 16:04 | 2629705 mjk0259
mjk0259's picture

Yeah but bank accounts don't usually go down 20%, 50% and maybe stay there which could easily happen with most stocks any month now.

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 16:26 | 2629775 Joe Davola
Joe Davola's picture

True, however the negative real rate of return on bank accounts will end up the same place - just a little more uniform descent.

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 16:04 | 2629706 mjk0259
mjk0259's picture

Yeah but bank accounts don't usually go down 20%, 50% and maybe stay there which could easily happen with most stocks any month now.

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 14:56 | 2629424 LoneStarHog
LoneStarHog's picture

RobotTrader didn't wait until 50 to get "the operation".

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 15:17 | 2629515 The Gooch
The Gooch's picture

(s)he should have. Obammeycare would have covered it.

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 16:08 | 2629723 Lucky Guesst
Lucky Guesst's picture

"covered it"

as in her FACE with a PILLOW

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 14:57 | 2629436 MiguelitoRaton
MiguelitoRaton's picture

Sex Change Bitchez

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 15:20 | 2629530 eddiebe
eddiebe's picture

Ugh, a bunch of over the hill bearded trannys.

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 14:58 | 2629438 sampo
sampo's picture

Good luck raising those retirement ages to 75+.

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 14:59 | 2629440 Getting Old Sucks
Getting Old Sucks's picture

Fuck that.  I'd rather go to bed with my wife and think I'm getting a different woman every night.

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 15:03 | 2629460 Cast Iron Skillet
Cast Iron Skillet's picture

that's what the drop in delayed recall is good for ...

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 15:07 | 2629473 Dr. Richard Head
Dr. Richard Head's picture

Not only that, but you can hide your own Easter Eggs. 

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 15:49 | 2629639 Mesquite
Mesquite's picture

And make new friends every day..!!

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 19:41 | 2630122 Hulk
Hulk's picture

and have only 1 movie in your "collection"...

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 15:20 | 2629527 Dburn
Dburn's picture

Don't worry , the memory race is on. Drug Companies sensing that the four hour hard-on has been pretty much "run dry", are working furiosly on the next major breakthrough.
Is it the long awaited cure(s) for major Cancers?

Is it the long awaited cure for heart Disease?


Is it the long awaited cure for STDs?

Sorry No.


Fuck No.

Nervous disorders like MS , Parkinsons?

A 40B dollar market. Are you fucking shitting me you turd?

Alright, What?

Memory Pills for "Getting Old Sucks" so he can remember who he is sleeping with.

Your shitting me. What if we don't wanna remember ?

Never again will you forget anniversary's , Birthdays, FUNerals, Casual Dates, meetings, more meetings, meetings of meetings etc . That's so you can work until your 95. Even when all other motor function has  ceased, we'll find a way to get you that $2.12 an hour you so richly deserve.

So No Cures?
Cures HAH. There's no money in CURES Douche-Muffin

You mean I have to take these pills every days?
Three times a day if we pay the FDA off enough and get a new triple patent for 60 years of protection.

So what if I don't take them motherfucker?

We bought special bills saying you have to take them. It's a fucking Mandate. Bwahahahaha!. Stop taking them and no SS, Medicare and no admittance to any emergency room ever asswipe.

Holy Shit, how Much?

Whatever half of you Social Security check is plus half your income at your new job for the rest of your life. Taxes (banks) get the rest motherfucker.
Party Hearty Dude!

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 15:28 | 2629554 Getting Old Sucks
Getting Old Sucks's picture

ROTFLMAO  +1.000

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 15:05 | 2629462 Shizzmoney
Shizzmoney's picture

I have a theory why women are being more employed by men in the corporate sector.

Men, tend to be in two classes: a) orny assholes who don't take shit from no one or b) polite gentleman who are naive.

Women are just naive.  Sweetfully, mind you.  They have the best intentions.

But the reason why they aren't allow in the majority of boardrooms, but are littered all over middle management, is because the corporate state needs "Den Mothers" to keep the serfs at bay.

If you have an asshole boss who is a man, you'll be more inclined to tell him to shut the fuck up if he keeps prodding you.

But a woman?  Harder to do; its like yelling at a dog who pooped on your carpet.  They didn't mean it, had no control; but you assume they do and give them the benefit of the doubt.  Plus, it's "mean". 

That's a great way to rise women's earning wages, but keep them out of the boardrooms where the real, nut cutting decisions (at the expense of the 99%) are made (unless you are an ironpant cunt like Hillary Clinton; and they are more of those going around).

If women were in charge of more things...that means we could have more empathy, more compassion, and more reasonable critical thinking.  Those are attributes that really don't do well for stock prices. 

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 15:18 | 2629503 the not so migh...
the not so mighty maximiza's picture


Women are just naive.  Sweetfully, mind you.  They have the best intentions."


Yeah whatever dork

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 15:22 | 2629519 Bob
Bob's picture

I wish I were still naive to that nonsense!  Wow. 

Not to suggest that male white collar managers aren't themselves typically bitches, of course. 

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 19:45 | 2630121 Chuck Walla
Chuck Walla's picture

Women are just naive.  Sweetfully, mind you.  They have the best intentions."


You haven't worked with enough women. Sure, they're naive, but give them power and you will eat naive all day long.  No amount of common sense will move them off the stupidity du jour.  They will cut you, emasculate you and laugh at the gushing blood. And if they have lost that naiveté, they will make you wish for violence on them. Then, they are just Hilary Clinton  mean.

Thu, 07/19/2012 - 00:16 | 2630774 Incubus
Incubus's picture

Men are generally mellow and will follow the established pecking order as long as they're getting returns on it.


Females, on the other hand... That guy obviously doesn't work with women.  Women are nothing but drama inciting soulless demons.

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 15:19 | 2629517 Race Car Driver
Race Car Driver's picture

I junked ya for being fulla shit. Women in the workplace - or anywhere else, for that matter - are far more ruthless and cunning than men... and have a far higher pain threshold.

The reason we've made it this far as a civilisation is that the physically stronger men kept the ruthless bitchez surpressed, repressed and in control. You think this genie coming back out of the bottle and the decline of western culture aren't related? Think again.

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 15:49 | 2629637 EvlTheCat
EvlTheCat's picture

"Women are just naive. Sweetfully, mind you. They have the best intentions."

Yea, because that is what I think when I think of the following people; Blythe Masters, Angela Merkel, Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, Debbie Wasserman Schultz, Janet Napolitano.

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 16:19 | 2629753 homersimpson
homersimpson's picture

I'm sure golddiggers extraordinare Liz Hurley could be added to this "fine" list of ladies..

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 15:54 | 2629650 Totentänzerlied
Totentänzerlied's picture

I junked you for junking someone for being full of shit and then being full of equal and opposite shit.

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 19:42 | 2630126 Chuck Walla
Chuck Walla's picture

I junked ya for being fulla shit. Women in the workplace - or anywhere else, for that matter - are far more ruthless and cunning than men... and have a far higher pain threshold.

This ^^^ is a man who knows of what he speaks. Experience, obviously.

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 16:03 | 2629697 tbone654
tbone654's picture

some whiz bitch freelance writer wrote a piece 15 years ago about the two archtypes in the business world / office cultures...  bear hunters and cave dwellers...

In a nutshell, Everyone loves the bear hunters, until there are fewer bears to hunt, then the cave dwellers conspire to eliminate those that cleared the forrest of most of the danger...

Jump ahead 15 years to NOW! and the bear hunters are mostly contractors...  Easier to ultimately get rid of...


And now you tell me I'm going to lose my car keys soon...  The rugged individualism that once made this country great, has been replaced by a bunch of "cave dwellers" preaching socialism in a land no longer welcoming to the bear hunter...  sigh!

Thu, 07/19/2012 - 00:22 | 2630785 Incubus
Incubus's picture

Yeah.  It's a shame I'm a bear riding [bull]hunter and I'm surrounded by cavedwellers.

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 17:45 | 2629937 LawsofPhysics
LawsofPhysics's picture

And how about caddyness?  My wife worked for an all-women company in upper management.  She said men could be trusted, whereas none of the women would turn their back towards each other, for if they did a knife would be driven in to the hilt.  Needless to say, she found greener pastures.

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 15:04 | 2629465 Piranhanoia
Piranhanoia's picture

JPMorgue would like it to be known that we prefer screwing women than men due to the obvious landscaping and plumbing issues, not to mention weight advantage,   yours,  Jamie.

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 15:05 | 2629467 Pinky
Pinky's picture


Wed, 07/18/2012 - 15:10 | 2629484 world_debt_slave
world_debt_slave's picture

ha, ha I'm turning 49 in August and not becoming a transgender, f'em.

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 15:15 | 2629504 adr
adr's picture

Wait so we are supposed to have more of the laughing hyena types that was just gven a top CEO spot because her highest qualification was being the 20th employee at a search engine company when it really didn't do much?

Oh other than she got rich of her shares when the company went public, which now makes someone with an IQ of 85 smarter and more qualified than a poor kid with a IQ of 160.

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 15:15 | 2629506 css1971
css1971's picture

Meh. Did they control for physical fitness?

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 15:37 | 2629580 azzhatter
azzhatter's picture

not any worse than barney frank

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 16:16 | 2629747 Metalredneck
Metalredneck's picture

Thanks.  I now need eye-bleach, and have two belly-buttons.  Thanks a lot.

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 16:52 | 2629833 ZeroAvatar
ZeroAvatar's picture

I hear they've found a cure for that now. (/s)

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 15:20 | 2629528 Plymster
Plymster's picture

If you read the study (, you'll find some interesting things.  For example, the "Orientation Test" is "four questions about the interview date (day, month, year) and day of the week".  If you're retired, why do you need to know the day of the week?  If you're a chick, your life revolves around your made up social calendar, you you're more likely to know the date/day.

Recall is a test of your memory of a list of unlinked words. 

Verbal fluency means you can list a high number of members of the animal kingdom in a given time period.

Numeracy is about math word problems and financial literacy.

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 15:23 | 2629536 q99x2
q99x2's picture

You can't scare me into a job like that. I hate work and employers and anyone or anything that wants to pay me. I don't need anything. And, fuck Bernanke too.

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 15:48 | 2629559 Dr. Acula
Dr. Acula's picture

>men's cognitive function plunges far quicker than women's

 The pseudoscientists must have left out the math questions when they tested. FYI,

"Euler later suffered a cataract in his good left eye, rendering him almost totally blind a few weeks after its discovery in 1766. Even so, his condition appeared to have little effect on his productivity... He produced on average one mathematical paper every week in the year 1775 [aged 68]" -

Also, this was written by an 81-year old. It's not exactly light reading:


Wed, 07/18/2012 - 15:59 | 2629679 Totentänzerlied
Totentänzerlied's picture

Plenty of men (and women) do good (or great, or amazing) work right into the grave. I get the feeling this study is more about being able to do menial office/secretarial tasks than serious intellectual work. Corporates don't really give a shit about the latter.

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 15:47 | 2629627 tbone654
tbone654's picture

I wouldn't hire ME! either...  over 50 male = knows everything, appears to hate everyone, gets along with no one, and will probably quit the first chance HE/I can.

Women over 50 on the other hand... = appear to love everyone, gets along with most everyone, will work forever, AND for less money...

BTW... My 46 year old wife started her new job today, first job in over 5 years, because she can't trust her 54 year old asshole husband to be able to keep a job for more than a year at a time...

FYI, I know where my car keys are, just don't remember where I parked...

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 16:04 | 2629686 PulpCutter
PulpCutter's picture

duplicate post deleted

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 16:14 | 2629738 tbone654
tbone654's picture

I'm right there with you... but I've already "failed" a trucking company in the last 5 years...  So the wife is puting on her pants suit and is heading off to the land of perceived "security" because i'm too likely to tell someone I work with to shove it because they are stupid... 

since I was my own boss back then, I seem to no longer tolerate the dummies I have to work with now...  And now that wife is taking care of the security part, I can go off and do some riskier things... and I'm so very much looking forward to it...

And I still would never hire myself...  So all us 50+ year olds have to go out there and build businesses like you...  Just as long as we don't have to hire anyone...

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 18:44 | 2630043 Angus McHugepenis
Angus McHugepenis's picture

Tbone - Bless yours and my ancient asses! I wouldn't hire me either! I think of shit to do/make/sell all the time and I get nothing but dumb looks from people who are too entrenched in their "day jobs" to even start thinking about what it takes to build anything.

And yeah, I know a bit about trucking.


Wed, 07/18/2012 - 17:11 | 2629688 PulpCutter
PulpCutter's picture

TBone, I started my own business at 54; first since the 1970s.  Highly recommend it.

I'll never fully retire, but may wind it down a bit when I get a lot older - that flexibility is a key part of why I started out on my own. 

(On the other hand, I can't remember where by keys are BECAUSE of the business, which I am always thinking about.)

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 16:55 | 2629846 ZeroAvatar
ZeroAvatar's picture

I think you may be a long lost twin.

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 15:50 | 2629640 Abiotic Oil
Abiotic Oil's picture

Diet? Weight? Exercise?

It is no wonder people can't remember their own name after sitting on the couch watching TV for 10 hours a day for a decade (or way more) eating high fructose corn syrup and depriving their brains of needed cholesterol with statin drugs.

There is no reason for cognitive decline, especially if one does something to combat it like the Warrior Diet.

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 15:55 | 2629647 Arnold Ziffel
Arnold Ziffel's picture

NEW YORK – J.C. Penney says it is laying off 350 more workers at its headquarters in Plano, Tex., as the department store struggles to transform its business under Ron Johnson, a new CEO and former Apple executive.

The cuts, announced Tuesday, follow Penney's (JCP) move in April to eliminate 600 workers at its headquarters.


10,000 new retirees a day run head long into ZIRP. It's not a pretty sight to see seniors hobble down the aisles looking for the cheapest cans of sardines in Walmart. Sad.

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 16:01 | 2629691 Totentänzerlied
Totentänzerlied's picture

10,000 new Obama voters a day. /snarc

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 16:05 | 2629708 Bob
Bob's picture

Something we should all be more in touch with, mea culpa, as we wait for their slow old asses to get out the way wherever we go. 

Sad indeed.  I saw one of those old women painfully pry the coins out of the depths of her change purse in the "Twenty Items or less" Lane the other day.  Arthritis is a bitch.  Poverty surely doesn't ease the burden. 

Many of these people get around using public transportation. 

Note to Bob: Greet old people in public.  Share some love. 

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 16:02 | 2629694 sangell
sangell's picture

I preferred to retire early and get a younger wife to remember where I put things!

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 16:16 | 2629746 tbone654
tbone654's picture

Ahhhh!!!  I get it... well done...

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 16:06 | 2629711 mjk0259
mjk0259's picture

And as the 50 year olds keep working because they have no choice and the young people stay unemployed, productivity will drop futher making everyone poorer in the long run.

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 16:09 | 2629726 Cranios
Cranios's picture

I recommend dividend suppositories.

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 16:20 | 2629756 firestarter_916
firestarter_916's picture

Good luck keeping a job after the age or 50, especially if you're on Wal Street or in Corporate America. Good luck is needed even more when you're laif off and 50+ but becoming a woman at that age might actually be sage advice.

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 16:54 | 2629842 tnquake
tnquake's picture

Dang, they keep moving my cheese and now I have to give up my manhood... I guess go long on estrogen instead of Viagra!

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 17:03 | 2629867 capitallosses
capitallosses's picture

Sorry, my feminine side is far too weak to do a woman's job.

And the wife says I would make a really ugly woman.

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 17:07 | 2629881 ZeroAvatar
ZeroAvatar's picture

If you're gonna become a woman, do it EARLY in life (teens/twenties).  There was many a time I wished I had a 'moneymaker'.


James Bond:  "Stop moving around!"


Bond Girl:  "Do you know what I'm sitting on?"


(Picture scans to Bond Girl's posterior, sitting upon box labeled 'dynamite')


James Bond:  "I'm trying NOT to think about it!"

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 17:31 | 2629921 Angus McHugepenis
Angus McHugepenis's picture

Speaking for myself, I can say I’ve got near-perfect memory for things I actually give a shit about. Everything else goes into the brain dumpster. This applied even during my pre-teenage years.

This research is bullshit. I’ve been tuning out verbal garbage that others spew out since childhood. Does that make my “cognitive functions” worse now that I’m nearing the magic age of 50? Horseshit! I couldn’t stand the noise as a kid, and I simply won’t listen to it now.

I worked for a guy a few years ago (nice guy, actually) and he would give me a long list of verbal instructions for jobs to complete. I always followed his instructions to the letter, but he was always worried I wasn’t listening to him because I looked like I was zoned out as he was speaking to me. So one time he stops halfway through his verbal instructions with his wife standing there and says, “okay, what did I just say”… and I gave him a blank stare and said, “you’re going to fuck your mistress tonight”.

He never enquired about my cognitive functions again, and I was immediately promoted by his now ex-wife.

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 17:56 | 2629951 Getting Old Sucks
Getting Old Sucks's picture

Just keep in mind that the only thing you can't replace in life is time.  It took me 10 seconds to write that one sentence.  That was, and now counting 20 seconds off my life.  Hey, I enjoy writing here but I didn't enjoy my working for the man.  Therefore, if you enjoy working, even till the end of your life, do it.  If not, don't.  Of course, you have to be able to afford not to work.  If that's your choice, become debt free and try to save enough to make it happen.  If you can't, sorry for you.  However, becoming debt free is a must first before anything!  TPTB will try to make sure you can't do that.  Don't spend that dollar on that coffee, don't spend that three dollars on that bacon, egg and cheese.  Don't spend because you have a coupon off.  Add it up.   Be surprised that you will afford nice vacations every few months when you're debt free and saved.

Rule nuber one to my kids since birth.  PAY NOW AND PLAY LATER, OR PLAY NOW AND PAY TILL THE END OF YOUR LIFE!


Wed, 07/18/2012 - 18:06 | 2629967 Gavrikon
Gavrikon's picture

If you want to keep your cognitive abilities, exercise both your mind and your body, and look into testosterone replacement therapy.  If you are forced into early retirement, and can afford to do so, pursue the avocation of your dreams.

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 19:37 | 2630116 Mr. Fix
Mr. Fix's picture

Works for me!

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 22:49 | 2630614 Errol
Errol's picture

Add me to that list; I'm still lobbing them right back at 62...

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 20:19 | 2630235 Shigure
Shigure's picture

Women scored higher in the tests for everything except numeracy - that's so embarrassing

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 22:40 | 2630595 gookempucky
gookempucky's picture

offers some insight into why the long-term unemployed suffer so much more in ever getting back into the work-force.

Thu, 07/19/2012 - 06:52 | 2631033 Disenchanted
Disenchanted's picture




So the AIG CEO ben Mosche was on to something when he recommended we all plan on working until we're 80...

Fri, 07/20/2012 - 07:48 | 2635225 monad
monad's picture

If you believe this you're a gullible fool.

Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!