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And Now, The Dumbest Thing You Will Ever Hear

Tyler Durden's picture


In a letter sent out by Olli Rehn to the European parliament on August 9, Rehn, in attempting to defend the fact that the ECB has now become Europe's "bad bank" and is thus nothing but a political vehicle to be used and abused by Germany which is the only one that can fund the ECB's non-existent equity capital, said that this ongoing intervention is critical in "dysfunctional" markets. He also completely fabricated the claim that the bond buying program is compatible with the EU Treaty. Supposedly he was envisioning the no bailout clause in the EU treaty. And to punctuate his point, the ECB proceeded to buy Italian and Spanish bonds for the third day this week, earlier today. Yet all that is boring, bureaucratic rhetoric. Where you should prepare to have your frontal lobe turn to jelly is the following: in defending why the expanded SMP program, which may soon hit hundreds of billions in onboarded toxic bonds, Rehn said the central bank’s investments are safe because “the bonds are purchased in the secondary market at market price -- i.e. the credit risk is already factored in,” according to a response dated yesterday to a query by an EU lawmaker. We will repeat this.... because it bears repeating: there is no risk of loss to the ECB's loan portfolio because they are purchased in the open market. In other words, if you, or a central bank, or an alien from Uranus, buys something in the open market, it is a risk free transaction....


Yes, that thing gushing out of your nose is blood.


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Wed, 08/10/2011 - 07:15 | 1545508 Bobbyrib
Bobbyrib's picture

They're pretty good bullshit artist.

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 07:22 | 1545524 Gene Parmesan
Gene Parmesan's picture

A good bullshit artist would be able to sell the painting they created with said feces. These bullshit artists are going to end up with a basement full of the things.

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 07:49 | 1545583 Bobbyrib
Bobbyrib's picture

The ECB is like the Fed in that it can continue to run its bullshit scheme until the majority of the people in Germany wake up to the fact that their tax dollars are going towards purchasing assets with little to no value. So in the sense that the scheme is still going, I would argue they are pretty good bullshit artist. How many countries and how many asset purchases do the German people have to fund before they say 'enough is enough'?

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 09:17 | 1545805 Manthong
Manthong's picture

" bullshit scheme.. until the majority of the people ... wake up to the fact that their tax dollars are going towards...   little to no value"

Skip over a few words and you have described the situation right here, too.

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 12:51 | 1547075 BigJim
BigJim's picture

Big Ange is not going to get re-elected if germany is left on the hook for this.

So either the politicians will say 'no more'... and watch Euroland implode, or they'll give the ECB the nod to print (and kick the can down the road another year or two).

Pain now... or pain later, on someone else's watch; it's pretty obvious which they'll opt for.

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 10:10 | 1546099 A.W.E.S.O.M.-O 4000
A.W.E.S.O.M.-O 4000's picture

Funny story. I actually tried to send a portrait that I made out of feces to Jennifer Aniston.


The restraining order should expire in about 6 more months.

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 10:44 | 1546286 Libertarian777
Libertarian777's picture

No, they'll just pass a law that everyone must own a feces painting

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 14:47 | 1547567 Gene Parmesan
Gene Parmesan's picture

Sad but true.

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 07:49 | 1545588 Ethics Gradient
Ethics Gradient's picture

It's worse than bullshit. Its logically incorrect.

He's buying bonds to lower the yields so that 'the market' will think the risk is lower than they otherwise would.

He's manipulating the market because he thinks it is wrong and then justifies the risk by saying the market is right.

I've run out of words.

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 08:04 | 1545619 taraxias
taraxias's picture

awesome post

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 12:31 | 1546958 valachus
valachus's picture


Attorney General: "Brawndo's got what plants crave." 

Secretary of Energy: "Yeah, it's got electrolytes." 

Joe: "What are electrolytes? Do you even know?" 

Secretary of State: "It's what they use to make Brawndo." 

Joe: "Yeah, but why do they use them to make Brawndo?" 

Secretary of Defense: "'Cause Brawndo's got electrolytes."



Wed, 08/10/2011 - 08:16 | 1545647 DaddyO
DaddyO's picture


"Bullshit Artists" doesn't begin to define them!

These talking heads haven't a clue of true economics, how business really works, unfettered by gubbamint intervention. None of them have ever had to make a payroll, do a budget, or figure out an ROI on a capital purchase, they're absolutely freakin clueless.


Wed, 08/10/2011 - 07:19 | 1545514 Sudden Debt
Sudden Debt's picture

A woman also can't get pregnant if she sits on top

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 07:20 | 1545520 BlackSea
BlackSea's picture

of another woman....

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 07:23 | 1545528 Sudden Debt
Sudden Debt's picture

as long as she doesn't use any tongue...

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 07:34 | 1545550 Quintus
Quintus's picture

Not sure how that would affect her chances of conception, but I'll take your word for it.

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 10:06 | 1546080 Dark Space
Dark Space's picture

This theory obviously requires further testing

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 07:21 | 1545522 oobrien
oobrien's picture

Here's something fucking stupid.

Let's give up the ghost and listen to the Ben Bernanke Song:

We all need some entertainment sometimes.

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 07:22 | 1545526 Sudden Debt
Sudden Debt's picture

I've already heard rumors of these Uranusains Aliens buying bonds but never found any real information.... AND NOW THAT IT'S ON THE INTERNET IT MUST BE TRUE!



Wed, 08/10/2011 - 07:36 | 1545556 cossack55
cossack55's picture

Is not an alien from Uranus actually Turd Ferguson?

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 07:39 | 1545564 Sophist Economicus
Sophist Economicus's picture

I just told all aliens from myanus to stop buying these bonds. I suggest you do the same, lest you loose a boatful of money!

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 07:47 | 1545579 Mike2756
Mike2756's picture

But they can't possibly go any lower! He sez so.

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 08:33 | 1545679 Miss Expectations
Miss Expectations's picture

Uranus jokes aside, a casual study of alien civilizations all over the world indicates that their interest was GOLD (and perhaps Mercury).

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 08:58 | 1545732 old naughty
old naughty's picture

but but but...aren't those  empty Chinese houses waiting for them?

Damn, hard landing!

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 07:23 | 1545527 chump666
chump666's picture

ECB are idoits, their unrealized losses are nose bleeding.  

gonna be some brutal volatility today...

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 07:24 | 1545529 Sudden Debt
Sudden Debt's picture

what are idoits?


Wed, 08/10/2011 - 07:30 | 1545542 MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

You got pregnant, didn't you?

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 07:39 | 1545562 MarketTruth
MarketTruth's picture

He is only "a little pregnant".

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 08:00 | 1545609 snowball777
snowball777's picture

Doit a small piece of money; a trifling sum; a small part of anything; a bit; a jot—Johnson, 1755.

And an a trifling sum made by Steve Jobs.

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 08:59 | 1545735 old naughty
old naughty's picture

i do its.

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 07:26 | 1545534 oogs66
oogs66's picture

they need to hire some people with market experience, instead of more arrogant politicians, economists, and lawyers.

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 07:28 | 1545539 Sudden Debt
Sudden Debt's picture

they need to hire some people with market experience

Goldman Sachs?


Wed, 08/10/2011 - 07:30 | 1545540 BlackSea
BlackSea's picture

The man said people, not hienas...

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 09:01 | 1545742 old naughty
old naughty's picture

why not?

Set them us as silos, so the left hand fighting the right hand.

Some scene.

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 09:04 | 1545751 Silver Dreamer
Silver Dreamer's picture

Jim Cramer?

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 07:27 | 1545537 Cdad
Cdad's picture

Yes, that thing gushing out of your nose is blood.'s my coffee.  Dammit Tyler...

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 07:38 | 1545560 Pay Day Today
Pay Day Today's picture

I hope that the "EU lawmaker" reading those comments choked as well. Otherwise its just the blind leading the blind off the toxic sovereign debt cliff.

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 07:40 | 1545566 oogs66
oogs66's picture

more likely he did a fist pump and said 'told you so you dumb f**ken speculators' in whatever language he or she likes to gloat in

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 07:33 | 1545546 orangedrinkandchips
orangedrinkandchips's picture

I was told you either PAY out the nose or BLEED out of it....take a pick

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 07:34 | 1545551 alexwest
alexwest's picture

well, I guess Olli Rehn missed risk free trade of life time ..
buying ABX index in the end of 2007 year.


Wed, 08/10/2011 - 07:35 | 1545552 Debtless
Debtless's picture

I wouldn't buy anything coming out of uranus these days. It's all crap.

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 08:01 | 1545613 snowball777
snowball777's picture

You misspelled China.

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 07:35 | 1545553 Ignatius J Reilly
Ignatius J Reilly's picture

Between Tyler and Sudden Debt, I now have to go home and change my clothes.  Hilarious.

a redhead, brunnette and a blonde are all in the same delivery room.  The redhead says, "i just know I'm going to have a girl because I was on top when we conceived."

the brunette says, "and I know I'm going to have a boy because he was ontop."

The blonde starts sobbing.

"I'm think I'm going to have puppies!", she cried.

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 09:21 | 1545826 MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

That's some rough humor.

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 13:01 | 1547122 Ignatius J Reilly
Ignatius J Reilly's picture

My appologies.


For the record, I've been reading ZH for years.  You are one of my favorites from the old days.  I can suffer no worse injury than one I cause to you.


I hope that you will forgive me.

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 19:58 | 1549151 MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

Ruff! Ruff! Ruff! Humor!


Thu, 08/11/2011 - 08:12 | 1550209 Ignatius J Reilly
Ignatius J Reilly's picture

Wow, I'm an idiot.  That's hilarious.  How did i miss that?

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 09:43 | 1545948 Bastiat
Bastiat's picture

Puppies are cute!

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 07:37 | 1545558 terranstyler
terranstyler's picture

It's pretty simple, Rehn believes in market efficiency. This is why all risk is priced in and interest rates are fair. Wait a minute...

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 07:51 | 1545565 whirlybird rules
whirlybird rules's picture

Why should the lunatic stop talking shit?  They have been doing it since Greece went down the first time.  Whenever Tricket bestows his assurances, THE MARKETS RALLY:////     The Europeans love their European investments.  Many middle class Europeans (I'm talkin' farmers, small business owners, mid level professionals)  know the value of the US dollar to the Euro BUT THEY ARE NOT WATCHING THE SWISSIE TO THE DOLLAR.  Meanwhile, the EU captains and queens will do ANYTHING to keep their cushy jobs, go to their lovely hotels, and drink the '82 Mouton Rothschild.  (Merk truly loves it when Sark kisses her ass:)   As evidenced by Olli's assessment, they are not capable of finding real jobs.  They are rats > expert scavangers - no brains.   Meanwhile, the Chinese hold down the dollar and thereby diminish trade flow between the US and Europe. The Chinese get the added bonus of seeing the US sink into a black hole...  they're excited!!!  Ok, so it's costing them some money.  What?  like the US doesn't spend mega bucks spreading influence via the military?     PS- whirlybird by some definitions is the bird that flies in ever decreasing concentric circles eventually to fly up its own asshole and dissapear..  

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 08:08 | 1545627 Ricky Bobby
Ricky Bobby's picture


Well said Sir!

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 07:53 | 1545595 Overflow-admin
Overflow-admin's picture

"there is no risk of loss to the ECB's loan portfolio because they are purchased in the open market"

Really, is that the best you can do?


Just kidding, that phrase is mindfucking me in loop mode. No nose bleeding for now but quite the impression my head is gonna blow...

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 07:55 | 1545597 DarkStarDog
DarkStarDog's picture

"dysfunctional" markets ???  LOL more like lack of "a market"  DICK-TATED prices due to intervention quote stuffing is not a market, it is a pathetic.   

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 07:58 | 1545603 LongSoupLine
LongSoupLine's picture

Honest...that "Rolex" you bought on the "open market", really is a Rolex.

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 10:09 | 1546088 Manthong
Manthong's picture

With the new Swiss "Continous Sweeps".

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 07:58 | 1545604 chinaguy
chinaguy's picture

Thanks, I needed a good laugh after the last couple of days.

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 07:59 | 1545606 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

I don't have aliens in my has a toxic atmosphere.

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 08:05 | 1545622 Reptil
Reptil's picture


Wed, 08/10/2011 - 09:07 | 1545764 Bahamas
Bahamas's picture

PS- whirlybird by some definitions is the bird that flies in ever decreasing concentric circles eventually to fly up its own asshole and dissapear..  

this could be the best ever definition for a deflationist spiral

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 09:16 | 1545802 Silver Dreamer
Silver Dreamer's picture

That bankster puppet needs his strings untangled.

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 09:18 | 1545809 Nascent_Variable
Nascent_Variable's picture

So, the centrally planned "free market" makes no errors.  That's a relief.  I was starting to think that mortgage-backed securities may have been priced incorrectly at some point.  Time to go long on subprime.

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 09:51 | 1545990 MobBarley
MobBarley's picture

I thought it would be neat to translate that into Chinese and then back into English:


Olli Rehn has sent out in August 9, Rehn, the European Parliament in trying to defend the European Central Bank has become Europe's "bad bank", is therefore just a political vehicle to use and abuse of a letter which Germany is the only eleven European Central Bank can fund equity capital does not exist, he said, that sustained intervention is the "imbalance" in the market the key. He also completely fabricated statement, bond purchase plan is compatible with the EU Treaty. It is said that he envisaged no assistance in terms of the EU Treaty. Punctuate his point of view, the European Central Bank to purchase bonds on the third day this week, Italy and Spain earlier today. However, all is boring, bureaucratic rhetoric. You are ready to turn your front leaf jelly is the following: to defend why the expansion of the SMP program, it may soon hit the hundreds of billions of onboarded toxic bonds, Rehn said that the central bank's investment is safe, because the "bond the purchase in the secondary market at market prices - that is, the credit risk factor, "month by the European Parliament yesterday, the query response. We will repeat this .... because it's worth repeating: There is no loss, the ECB's loan portfolio risk, because they are purchased on the open market. In other words, if you, or the central bank, or foreigners from Uranus, on the open market to buy something, it is a risk-free transaction ....


Wed, 08/10/2011 - 09:59 | 1546039 fwchiro
fwchiro's picture

Engrish and CAPTCHA...i feel as though they are speaking to me on a subconscious level

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 09:55 | 1546010 fwchiro
fwchiro's picture

Not to be difficult, but the dumbest thing I've ever heard is, "Yes we can" know you are in trouble when the future president takes his tagline from Dora the Explorer

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 10:14 | 1546119 Grand Supercycle
Grand Supercycle's picture


My long term indicators still warn of USD rally and EURUSD weakness.

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 11:14 | 1546453 RiskAverseAlertBlog
RiskAverseAlertBlog's picture

Maybe the put Geithner and Bernanke are writing the ECB is motivating Rehn's view?

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 16:41 | 1548218 happel
happel's picture

"Yes, that thing gushing out of your nose is blood." Laughing out loud again. ZH makes my day and does it all day long with countless comedy. (Too bad this stuff is really happening.) 


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