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Apple Presents iPhone 5, Market Unimpressed

Tyler Durden's picture


To the complete shock of absolutely nobody,  Apple has unveiled the iPhone 4GS Botox Turbo 5


All the market wants to know is if it will buy Spanish bonds, and if it is acceptable ECB collateral. Everyting else is now just part of the annual, soon to be semi, quarterly, and so on, facelift. AAPL shares sliding - after reaching up to yesterday's closing VWAP at $664 (now at yesterday's lows)

Finally, the most important question - when is the iPhone 6 (with the purchase funded by the iBank captive leasing arm) coming?


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Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:21 | 2786445 slaughterer
slaughterer's picture

Sell the news / buy the dip.  

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:27 | 2786468 CPL
CPL's picture

Until all channels are stuffed properly...or Walmart stops selling iPhones (shhhhh, little bird on a perch...too many returns on battery issues and siri, refocus attention to higher margin android and windows stuff)


Plus the market understands that retail credit is very, very thin and Xmas plans for most this year will involve eating instead of buying an iPhone over car maintenace, clothing and food.

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:28 | 2786486 nope-1004
nope-1004's picture

Apple chasing Samsung now, much like Blackberry chased Apple a few years ago.  This is the top.


Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:38 | 2786510 xtop23
xtop23's picture

Reggie called this a while back pretty convincingly. They are going to slip back to the hardcore boutique crowd eventually. They cannot compete with the Google business model. 


My Samsung Galaxy 3 eats this gd thing for breakfast.

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:49 | 2786574 Mark Carney
Mark Carney's picture

"He pokes fun at tablets from rival companies: “I don’t know what these other tablets are doing,” he says, suggesting they are probably being kept in drawers somewhere." -Cook


Well Mr. Cook, my playbook (ya that 7" inch thing RIM had before you did and that everyone made fun of and now YOU are copying) is by my bed everynight so I can read ZH before I sleep.  FUCK YOU.

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:56 | 2786589 Pladizow
Pladizow's picture

Press Release:

Next generation Chevy Volt to come with a fire extiguisher and a 6th tire you can keep at home.

Good news - Losses only expected to increase to $55K per Volt

Lets all get one!


Wed, 09/12/2012 - 19:05 | 2787737 knukles
knukles's picture

Hah ha ha ha
First last and only Volt I saw was plastered with a big ass Obama/Biden2012 sticker.

'Nuff said

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:54 | 2786597 BurningFuld
BurningFuld's picture

Love my Playbook. Most under rated electonics device on the market. Multi-tasking dynamo. 

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 14:03 | 2786626 goldm3mb3r
goldm3mb3r's picture

Love my iPad 3 but is wish I had waited for the iPad 5 which is rumoured to have an integrated toaster and love torch.

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 14:23 | 2786718 Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance's picture

".....iPad 5 which is rumoured to have an integrated toaster and love torch."

I make love to Mrs Cog by the glow of my iPhone4. Unfortunately it goes out every 10 seconds so I have to stop and touch it again and again.

Mrs Cog is rapidly losing patience. Hopefully they fixed this defect with the iPhone5. :>)

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 14:26 | 2786732 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

Can't you just talk to Siri to keep her awake, or will Mrs. Cog get jealous?

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 14:29 | 2786746 Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance's picture

I did not have sexual relations with that woman......Miss Siri. Those allegations are false.

<Besides....Mrs Cog has already forgiven me.>

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 14:18 | 2786690 YuropeanImbecille
YuropeanImbecille's picture

I have a Galaxy S3 and it sucks compared to my old iphone 4.


Android is pure shit... I can not comprehend how anyone can like that retarded system???

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 14:30 | 2786754 xtop23
xtop23's picture

More free apps, faster processing speed, more memory, flash player, comparable camera / video features, much easier to customize to your usage, and cheaper.

Yeah the droid platform sucks /sarc

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 14:39 | 2786785 Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance's picture

Yeah.....but it ain't an iPhone. So there. :)

Actually the iAnything has the same premium attached to it as is attached to the Harley Davidson motorcycle brand.

My iPenis makes more noise that your iWhatever. iHarder too.

<Disclosure: Recovering long time HD owner still cursed with withdrawal shakes.>

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 14:35 | 2786772 saints51
saints51's picture

Android is for the more advanced user.

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 16:43 | 2787372 Dr. Acula
Dr. Acula's picture

>Android is pure shit...

aka Dalvik

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 23:49 | 2788244 Element
Element's picture



Android is pure shit... I can not comprehend how anyone can like that retarded system???



I bought an Android phone last year and could not believe how shit it was.  I'm no fan of smart-phones in general but when I got it I understood and was assured it was the best phone operating-system around.  Not that I gave a toss about that, I just wanted to make calls and keep an address book, and maybe check the hedge and stuff when in transit.   But boy what rubbish Android is.  It took me weeks to find how to stop the piece of shit from doing things I didn't want it to do for me, on my behalf, and to do the things I did want it to do, and do them to a minimum standard of tolerability.

And what's with the completely retarded Android phone keypad, that 2/3rds obscures the fucking phone book -- FUCK!!! 

And if you bump the screen or press a name the fucking garbage thing dials the number, when all you were doing was trying to scroll through the fucking phone book list!  If drives you crazy, and is making calls you didn't want to make, so you cancel the call but it's too late, because the person at the other end gets a text and thinks I was trying to call them, so they feel compelled to ring me back and ask what I wanted?

Gezzus!!! Did I mention I just fucking hate Android phones?

And the Android browser is a hopeless joke, it's truly disastrous interface design.  The common function that every user uses to browse pages are not even on the screen! And what pisses me off the most is who you are reading a page and you are using your finger to scroll down, and you just happen to brush a link.  And bang, this fucking piece of shit browser is interrupting what you were reading and dumping you to a link that you did not want to go to!  It doesn't ask you if you wanted to do that.  There's no double tapping a link to follow it, there's no opening it in another tab.  Nope it just fucks up what you were reading every time. But to add insult to it all, then you have to go into a submenu system just to access a basic common place function like "backwards" and "forwards", navigation, to get back to where you were.

Did I mention already how much I hate Android?

There is always some arsehole who decides I need a more glossy and stylish fucking interface that's a complete piece of shit to use or navigate.  They basically designed in chronic dysfunction!  Android seems to me to just be an expression of the worst type of, "style over substance", that so plagues every arsehole company's latest gadget.  It's seriously disappointing that with the technology in these things that they apparently have arty-farty interest-group oriented wankers designing the, "user interface".

Because if I designed it, it'd become the most useful, practical and popular interface in the known universe in about a month.   But instead we get this crap that you can see was designed for a 14-year-old idiot with a dire need to refill their Ritalin script, else it was designed by one.

And then there are still these insane "Android fan" twerps, running around the internet saying how good their Android phone is! Where do these utter idiots come from?  But most importantly, is it possible to stop them breeding?  Thing is, I'm confident that the Apple would be just as hopelss and wretched, I can tell by how many insane moron 'fan's it has.


The mother-of-all digital-gadgetry truisms is that under no circumstances should you ever buy anything recommended to you by an avid 'fan' of any product or company--they are without exception, totally full of shit.

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:25 | 2786472 malikai
malikai's picture

Holy shit! A fifth row of icons?

Game changer there, guys.

NASDAQ 36,000.

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:33 | 2786516 kaa1016
kaa1016's picture

You got a laugh out of me on that one. It's unbelieveable how people keep falling for this shit. AAPL is great to trade options on though...

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 14:21 | 2786702 YuropeanImbecille
YuropeanImbecille's picture

I am actually a apple fanboi with all things apple, but I bought the Galaxy S3 to check it out.

The new iphone 5 with an extra row of icons is now also pure shit =) have reverted back to the iphone 4.


IF I see anyone on the street with an extra row of icons I will slap them for being fucktards


Wed, 09/12/2012 - 14:38 | 2786784 malikai
malikai's picture

You don't sound like a fanboi to me. Fanbois don't just own iStuff, iStuff ownes them.

You want to do a neat trick with your S3? Install Chrome or Firefox on it.

I saw your comment above about how you don't like Android. Well, I understand. To me, it is a bit like the windows/linux argument of the 90s. It will all boil down to preference, until Apple finally jumps the shark once and for all like MS did.

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 15:18 | 2786976 CPL
CPL's picture

Fucking Windows 8...and Windows 7 application remediation.   Logistical nightmares.  It has opened up Linux running Wine to actually run inhouse core applications that businesses and governments wrote in dead languages.



Wed, 09/12/2012 - 18:28 | 2787671 LibertyForSome
LibertyForSome's picture

iPhone 4S2 

Apple's creative edge died with Steve Jobs... maybe they should start hiring more yaks.

Thu, 09/13/2012 - 02:43 | 2788459 teahouse
teahouse's picture

but the new head-phone ear plug are cool !!!

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:21 | 2786447 LawsofPhysics
LawsofPhysics's picture

Another overpriced toy, well hey, at least it is something real.

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:32 | 2786467 ParkAveFlasher
ParkAveFlasher's picture

<<<I buy an iPhone 5 or

<<<10 x 1oz .9999 Canadian mooses

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:43 | 2786552 TheCanadianAustrian
TheCanadianAustrian's picture

I upvoted, but it has nothing to do with the iPhone.

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:49 | 2786578 Ahmeexnal
Ahmeexnal's picture

let me has to do with your 401k.

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:56 | 2786598 goldm3mb3r
goldm3mb3r's picture

Weird how it is 1 goose and 2 geese, but not 1 moose and 2 meese.

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:21 | 2786448 Shizzmoney
Shizzmoney's picture


Wed, 09/12/2012 - 14:24 | 2786722 Sofa King Confused
Sofa King Confused's picture


Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:21 | 2786451 holdbuysell
holdbuysell's picture

No pony, but I hear you can get cash back when you take out the loan to buy one. /sarc

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:47 | 2786569 Dr. Richard Head
Dr. Richard Head's picture

My daughter has, after months of babysitting and cashing in her birthday goods, purchased an iPad with cash......gasp......I tried to convince her to buy some silver instead, but she was more interested in making music videos glamorizing herself and such.  And to think, I was fighting the political battle to make sure my children have a better life.  Self-grandizing little punks.

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:50 | 2786581 Ahmeexnal
Ahmeexnal's picture

you might want to have a DNA check on "your" kids.

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 15:09 | 2786949 blabam
blabam's picture

Talent usually skips a generation.

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:52 | 2786588 malikai
malikai's picture

Be glad you have tought your daughter to save and manage her money. Do not fret about what she buys.

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 16:48 | 2787396 Dr. Richard Head
Dr. Richard Head's picture

Very sage advice that is greatly appreciated.

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:22 | 2786457 Dagny Taggart
Dagny Taggart's picture

A four inch screen, more pixels and more apps. So much for conversation at home for the next year. I will call his new upgrade the iLostHim. Damn.

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:26 | 2786464 Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance's picture

And my iPorn will now be 44% brighter and 1/2 inch bigger......screen.

<Was that my out-loud voice?>

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:53 | 2786592 Dr. Richard Head
Dr. Richard Head's picture

I am going to open a store that has a line of squeegees with built-in spray disinfectant that can used for iPods, iPads, and iPhones.  IPO that one bitch.

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 14:22 | 2786708 Metalredneck
Metalredneck's picture


Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:30 | 2786497 cbxer55
cbxer55's picture

So much for conversation anywhere for that matter. At work you cannot talk with anyone, they all have their heads stuck in their f--king phones. It's so bad the commander of the base sent out an e-mail to everyone telling them they need to start talking to each other, and looking at each other again. I mean people walking down the halls with their heads down in their phones.


Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:36 | 2786527 Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance's picture

"I mean people walking down the halls with their heads down in their phones."

Actually I think you meant to say "People have their heads up their iAss."

<Disclosure: My head is up my iAss as well.>

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:50 | 2786580 samcontrol
samcontrol's picture

It was a culture shock for me (foreignor) when i visited the States. Seing so many people with their " heads up their iass " really shocked me,, really...

The ultra power nation in the world ,  some of the best colleges , brilliant minds . and an icredibly diversified country. I can think of a thousand better things to do in Miami than to spend 2 hours in a lobby switching from app to app. no wonder your government does as it pleases.

WAKE THE FUCK UP SHEEPLE , that includes Tyler with these articles on apple. What about amazon and it,s P/e ? Fuckbook ? HP ? Ect ect....

Do we have to go thru this everytime this corroding company  makes a new product everyone already has.




Wed, 09/12/2012 - 14:05 | 2786633 centerline
centerline's picture

It really is amazing.  My wife is one of the "assimilated."  Cracks me up to see a bunch of people sitting around, all staring down at devices.  And all they talk about is what they show each other on their devices.  Heck, they update the FB pages next to each other.  The movie Wall-E had it right.

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 14:09 | 2786648 Dr. Richard Head
Dr. Richard Head's picture

You should see the smoking area outside of our call center.  15 girls smoking away, one or two guys, with their heads up their iAss.  Not only are we increasing our chances for stroke, heart attack, and cancer, but we can farmville and zynga cash away the last few hours outside of capativity on our iAss.  Myself included.

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 15:06 | 2786927 Cathartes Aura
Cathartes Aura's picture

can't have people looking UP. . .

might notice the constant aerosoling of their skies.

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 15:23 | 2787003 Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance's picture


Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:22 | 2786458 frenzic
Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:24 | 2786462 magpie
magpie's picture

How much extra GDP growth per pixel ?

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:25 | 2786463 Mercury
Mercury's picture

 This just never gets old:

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:27 | 2786481 Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance's picture

The new iPhone5 does everything.

But will it blend?

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:30 | 2786498 pods
pods's picture

Haha, I got a Vitamix and I am damn sure I can pulverize an iPhone in it.


Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:34 | 2786518 Alpo for Granny
Alpo for Granny's picture

Oh hell yes it could.  Love my vitamix..drinking a fruit/veggie smoothie as I type.


Cheers to our health my friend!



Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:38 | 2786534 pods
pods's picture

We love ours.  Blow through a LOT of veggies though.  I used to bring them into work and give them to others to try. They got the nickname "crackshakes."

Bottoms up!


Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:44 | 2786549 Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance's picture

iCrackShakes are what you get when they don't release the iPhone5 for three more months. :)

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:44 | 2786557 ParkAveFlasher
ParkAveFlasher's picture

Now THAT'S technology that benefits the consumer ... how many other blenders can be left running so long and so hot that you can use them to make soup?  Per the manufacturer's own directions?

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 14:24 | 2786720 pods
pods's picture

I use it to light cook our red sauces.  Just caramelize some onions and a shredded carrot and toss it in with maters and some paste.  

Reminds me of the motors that most appliances used to use.  Of course, on high it does sound a bit like a jet engine, but I actually like that.

We made margaritas at the beach and it took about 5 seconds to make the perfect margarita.


Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:45 | 2786563 Mercury
Mercury's picture

I actually turned orange once juicing my way through a 20lb bag of carrots I bought for cheap at an outdoor market.

There is some evidence that eating the entire veggie/fruit is better for you than just the juice though.

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:58 | 2786611 Alpo for Granny
Alpo for Granny's picture

Yeah you can go through a bunch of veggies which is a great thing. Not as much as with a juicer though. I have used my vitamix  to make all kinds of smoothies, nut butters, hummus (still can't quite duplicate Sabra brand), and soups. Nothing like tossing a few tomatoes, some cashews, fresh basil, oregano, dash of celery salt and a few sun dried tomatoes in a blender and having fresh hot tomato basil soup a few mins later. I am a cheap bastard and this thing was worth every penny.

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 14:12 | 2786655 tip e. canoe
tip e. canoe's picture

yup, but here's how you solve that --- get a dehydrator and make crackcrackers from the pulp.    excalibur's a good model.

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 14:33 | 2786766 Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance's picture


iPocalypse recipes.

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 14:56 | 2786881 lamont cranston
lamont cranston's picture

It will in a Bass-O-Matic.

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 18:36 | 2787689 TheFourthStooge-ing
TheFourthStooge-ing's picture


It will in a Bass-O-Matic.

"Mmmmmmm, now that's good bass!"

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:45 | 2786545 ebworthen
Wed, 09/12/2012 - 14:54 | 2786871 lamont cranston
lamont cranston's picture

MADtv makes SNL look lame. What a hoot of a script

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:24 | 2786465 fuu
fuu's picture

Does the camera take good pictures of dead guys pulled from cars?

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:25 | 2786469 WoodMizer
WoodMizer's picture

So much for 2012 GDP

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:25 | 2786470 cbxer55
cbxer55's picture

I wonder how many fools that have Iphone 4s, and still owe on them on the credit card, will go out and put this new POS on the same card? Put the 4 in the junk drawer with the 3, 2 and 1 versions. There are people I work with that seem to have a new phone every six months or so. Meanwhile I soldier on with the same old Samsung flip phone I've had for three years now.

What a joke. I sincerely hope it flops, but I doubt it. Every one and their mother will be out in droves buying them up on their near maxed out cc.


Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:31 | 2786501 Zero Govt
Zero Govt's picture

given you're plodding on with some old Samsung you hardly seem qualified to talk about the latest envelope piercing product from the cool Tek-King

bit like stuffy old fart Prince Charles telling modern architects to design Georgian houses

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:40 | 2786542 cbxer55
cbxer55's picture

That first up arrow is from me, of course. Facetiousness (is that a word?) is always welcome.  ;-)

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:53 | 2786594 Zero Govt
Zero Govt's picture

you're obviously a very warm and mature person to take my observation/criticism so positively in your stride

..and a green arrow to you too Sir :)

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:25 | 2786473 q99x2
q99x2's picture

I need one for my other ear.

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:28 | 2786483 Ahmeexnal
Ahmeexnal's picture

You need 4, one for each cheek.

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:26 | 2786476 Zero Govt
Zero Govt's picture

I'm salivating girfriend gets iP5 for her birthday in 2months and i get her iP4

...yes i'll settle for sloppy seconds (still better than market-trasher Goofball firsts)

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:30 | 2786499 ebworthen
ebworthen's picture

You'll settle for sloppy seconds?

What does she look like?

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:31 | 2786507 Zero Govt
Zero Govt's picture

Now, now Ebworth, you know i'm talkin phones here

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:27 | 2786477 Vincent Vega
Vincent Vega's picture

20% lighter....sweet. So now instead of carrying around that heavy, bulky, burdensome 4.8 ounce device people only have to lug around 3.9ish ounces. Think of all the extra stuff people can carry around after a savings like that.

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 14:14 | 2786666 Zero Govt
Zero Govt's picture

he who measures the weight, misses the magic

what are you, a Govt weights and measures zombie?

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 14:43 | 2786815 Vincent Vega
Vincent Vega's picture

No, not a zombie...just pointing out that with that extra weight savings one could now carry around their scuba gear should they so choose. Thank you Steve Jobs where ever you are.

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 17:38 | 2787557 smiler03
smiler03's picture

I wonder what the strength of these phones is, ie resistantance to being accidentally snapped in half by sitting on them? Surely any self respecting technical review should have this test.


"Flexural strength, also known as modulus of rupturebend strength, or fracture strengtha mechanical parameter for brittle material, is defined as a material's ability to resist deformation under load. The transverse bending test is most frequently employed, in which a rod specimen having either a circular or rectangular cross-section is bent until fracture using a three point flexural test technique."

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 16:23 | 2787286 Uncle Remus
Uncle Remus's picture

Hey, every tenth of an ounce counts in a Cargo Cult.

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:27 | 2786482 chet
chet's picture

More icons!  I'm chucking my new iPhone 4 directly into the garbage.  I will line up for two days and pay whatever they ask!

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 14:36 | 2786776 TheFourthStooge-ing
TheFourthStooge-ing's picture


I will line up for two days and pay whatever they ask!


Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:28 | 2786487 RopeADope
RopeADope's picture

But it comes preloaded with the Tickle Me Bennie app. Rub Bennie's belly and welfare checks shoot out his ass. No amount is too large...

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:29 | 2786492 WoodMizer
WoodMizer's picture

Like a fire alarm at the hedge fund hotel.

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:29 | 2786493 ebworthen
ebworthen's picture

The guys on CNBC's Fast Money were saying the shares would drop after the announcement, and that it would be a buying opportunity.

All it will take is one bad product line, one serious hack of the O.S., one innovative device from Samsung or other Android (or a few of them at once) to sink this Titanic stock.

Over $600 per share, and Steve Jobs is not there at the helm.

I would not bet on that one.

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 14:17 | 2786680 Zero Govt
Zero Govt's picture

face it, anyone who has bet against the Apple juggernaut to date has been roadkill

Reggie has obviously been my favourite pavement pizza 

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 19:00 | 2787730 knukles
knukles's picture

Buncha fucking geniuses on that Fast Money.

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:31 | 2786504 chrispycrunch
chrispycrunch's picture mini or iTV, the very reason shares went up?

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:59 | 2786618 zebra
zebra's picture


Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:32 | 2786509 ffart
ffart's picture

Android is a shit OS that's terrible to write software for, and MS has no presence in the smartphone arena right now. Apple may not be a $700 company but they still have a few years in them left. I was really impressed at how many animated windmills they packed into the giant Samsung home screens at the phone store, though.

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 18:02 | 2787621 Acet
Acet's picture

As someone that actually professionaly writes software for both Android and iPhone I can tell you that the second is much worse.

And please don't get me started on MS' favorite languages and development environments (yes, I have also worked with those).

People don't write software for iPhone rather than Android because it's such a great environment to work with, they do it 'cause iPhone owners are much more likelly to spend money on apps than Android ones.


Wed, 09/12/2012 - 21:48 | 2788041 Almost Solvent
Almost Solvent's picture

Amen. Apple lovers love being gated into the Apple enviroment and think nothin of spending $$ on their Apple iTunes store. Gated into their Apple world, much like animals in a zoo.



Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:32 | 2786511 djsmps
djsmps's picture

And the stock bounces back...

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:33 | 2786514 Piranhanoia
Piranhanoia's picture

Will it SETI?   

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:32 | 2786515 Yen Cross
Yen Cross's picture

 Does the new !phone41/2", come with a 30 day supply of roach motels?

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:37 | 2786517 JustPrintMoreDuh
JustPrintMoreDuh's picture

iPhone5 ibasically i= iPhone4 ... itherefore ishort iAPPL iBitchez.

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:39 | 2786535 yogibear
yogibear's picture

Yawn, I'm I-phoned out. Snooze time.

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:40 | 2786540 zebra
zebra's picture

don't forget the new connector.. while others have cordless charging.

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:41 | 2786547 Bennie Noakes
Bennie Noakes's picture

Apple cannot compete with Android based on hardware because the Android has access to the same hardware. To maintain and expand its position, Apple needs to continually come up with more "cool stuff". After Jobs left Apple in the 1980's, Apple continually upgraded the hardware on the Macintosh. Mac sales held up fairly well into the 90s, but eventually Apple lost out to Windows (which by then had copied most of the cool features of the Macintosh). This announcement gives me a strong feeling of deja vu.

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 14:21 | 2786707 Zero Govt
Zero Govt's picture

possible but difference being Microshite was making money while tracking/cribbing Apple, Goofball are flogging theirs without a price tag and dripping in red ink 

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:43 | 2786550 edifice
edifice's picture

Finally, the most important question - when is the iPhone 6 (with the purchase funded by the iBank captive leasing arm) coming?

Apple already issues iDebt, via a platinum card, through Juniper Bank (Barclays). APR is around 17%.

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 18:43 | 2787705 TheFourthStooge-ing
TheFourthStooge-ing's picture


Apple already issues iDebt, via a platinum card, through Juniper Bank (Barclays). APR is around 17%.


Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:44 | 2786554 PaperBear
PaperBear's picture

"APPLE IPHONE 5 WEIGHS 20 PERCENT LIGHTER THAN IPHONE 4S" - if Apple were to come out with a weightless iPhone then would the market be impressed ?

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 14:24 | 2786723 Zero Govt
Zero Govt's picture

a packet of 20 cigarettes are near-weightless and i continue to be so impressed i just never stop purchsing them

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 14:43 | 2786805 Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance's picture

"....if Apple were to come out with a weightless iPhone then would the market be impressed ?"

That would be the iPlebChip666 brain implant coming soon to a FEMA camp near you.

<Bet ya just can't wait....can ya?>

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:44 | 2786561 Dr. Gonzo
Dr. Gonzo's picture

I'm still using my LG flip phone. Didn't go with the data plan. Blocked texting on it because they were charging me 10 cents per every annoying text my friends sent me. I do have 100 anytime minutes though plus unlimited nights and weekends. $25 a month plus tax with Verizon. I'm pretty happy with it. It's only 4 years old too. Shouldn't need another phone for at least 10 years. What's this I-phone I heard about? Apple computer makes a telephone now? Is it a land line? Does it have a tape recorder answering maching in it? those are cool.

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:50 | 2786577 Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance's picture

While I did need to get it resoled, my iShoePhone86 is still going strong.



Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:53 | 2786591 El Tuco
El Tuco's picture

Ahhh fuck that's awesome....hahaha...

I don't laugh much but I can always count on a chuckle here.....

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 14:45 | 2786827 Wakanda
Wakanda's picture

Can your cobbler make a new soul for my old iPhone?

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 14:53 | 2786866 Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance's picture


Only if you sign a lifetime personal services contract with iBeelzebub.

<The devil made me do it.>

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 18:54 | 2787722 TheFourthStooge-ing
TheFourthStooge-ing's picture

Dr. Gonzo asked:

What's this I-phone I heard about? Apple computer makes a telephone now? Is it a land line? Does it have a tape recorder answering maching in it? those are cool.

Yep, Apple makes telephones nowadays. I think they call it the Telefapple. (Yeah, they intentionally misspell it with an "f" because focus group research shows that intentionally misspelled brands are what the kids identify with as being cool.)

I hear tell that this new version of the Telefapple that's got everyone so worked up even comes with touch-tone dialing as a standard feature. Now that's innovation!

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:45 | 2786565 GolfHatesMe
GolfHatesMe's picture

I see a question from Mr Dudley....No you cannot eat it, that's an iPad

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:56 | 2786600 Sokhmate
Wed, 09/12/2012 - 14:02 | 2786603 YHC-FTSE
YHC-FTSE's picture

"The market not impressed"? It'll get properly impressed when it is ordered to do so, because there is no market, but just a few algos doing what they are told by the mega-squids laundering the greenback bonanza cascading out of Bernanke's arse. When are we ever going to learn that fundamentals have little or no relation to market prices in this absurd casino circus? 

Besides, Apple is now one of the core foundations of the government Big Brother/gangster bankster crew. They will keep getting bought, not just by the morons beguiled by Apple's lies, but by those who need Apple to succeed. Here's a clue to what they are doing:

Apple's patent can remotely disable your mobile phone video.


Edit: And oh yes, they've done the oldest trick in the book to fleece their fans - the Iphone 5 changed the size of the connector so they will have to go out and buy a whole new range of peripherals. Ha! I can't believe that company could possibly have any fans.

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 14:03 | 2786627 yogibear
yogibear's picture

The police can also disable the camera when becoming abusive. See where this is going? A police state.

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 17:44 | 2787572 smiler03
smiler03's picture

The police could use an EMP device but you could still talk to each other with two empty tin cans and a length of string. Ha!!

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 14:17 | 2786679 tip e. canoe
tip e. canoe's picture

they've been playing that trick for years with their laptops & desktops.


Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:58 | 2786606 ptoemmes
ptoemmes's picture

Beep, beep: Siri, what do you think of the new iPhone 5?

Beep, beep: I'm a little concerned Samsung will sue me over LTE.

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 13:59 | 2786616 pragmatic hobo
pragmatic hobo's picture

"Finally, the most important question - when is the iPhone 6 coming?"

why, this time next year of course. So if iphone 5 numbers disappoint (what is it, 10M within first 2 weeks?), it's all because people are waiting to purchase iphone 6.

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 14:04 | 2786624 akak
akak's picture

Don't own a cell phone of any kind, don't ever want one either.

All you shallow gadget-obsessed trendsuckers constantly bumping into me out in public with your heads down and your attentions focused on your CRUCIAL conversations or textings of the moment, who simply MUST have the latest mass-marketed multi $100 electronic toy, are no better than children.  Worse, in fact.

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 14:10 | 2786645 Seorse Gorog fr...
Seorse Gorog from that Quantum Entanglement Fund. alright_.-'s picture




(not that you have to have one, of course)

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 14:27 | 2786735 akak
akak's picture

Ah yes, anyone who does not automatically buy into the latest, and largest, mass-marketing ploys is somehow a "luddite".  I see.

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 14:45 | 2786823 nowhereman
nowhereman's picture

Look, luddite, or not, here's the bottom line.  A land line costs upwards of $50 per month, my cell costs $10 per month, you do the math.

Of course no bells and whistles, but it does the job.  However, they know exactly where you are all the time.

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 15:19 | 2786982 Christophe2
Christophe2's picture

I have no cell or land line, and instead use internet-based phone calls, which are dead cheap.  I'm with Skype now (far simpler to install and as cheap as the other alternatives I could find).  The call quality with skype has been flawless (unless I am killing my connection with a massive bittorrent).


Your 10$/month cell probably doesn't give you many minutes, so you might want to consider buying minutes from Skype (ie: no need for you to pay extra for a phone # from them).  This way your 800 calls are free and your regular calls will likely be 10x cheaper...

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 19:12 | 2787753 nowhereman
nowhereman's picture

Thanks I'll look into it.

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 16:17 | 2787261 akak
akak's picture

I don't know where you live, or what kind of land line phone service you are talking about, but here in (expensive) Alaska my land line costs me not quite $30 per month, with unlimited local calling and call waiting, among other features.  I have yet to see anyone show me a similarly-priced cell phone service (never mind having to be locked-in to a one or two-year contract) with more than a nominal number of monthly minutes, even for local calls.

Really, was your life SO much more inconvenient and burdensome before cell phones?  Is your quality of life so much better, and is your life so much happier, with them?

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 19:13 | 2787754 cbxer55
cbxer55's picture

"Of course no bells and whistles, but it does the job.  However, they know exactly where you are all the time."


Not if you turn the f--ker off.

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 19:39 | 2787808 TheFourthStooge-ing
TheFourthStooge-ing's picture


Not if you turn the f--ker off.

That's what they want you to think. Most, perhaps all, cell phones made within the last five years (probably longer) still do the handshakes with cell towers in the area even when turned off. The only way to thwart the little rat bastards is by placing them inside a Faraday cage. (Yes, this could include surrounding them completely in foil.)

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 14:41 | 2786795 cbxer55
cbxer55's picture

When I moved from the house to the apartment I am now in (thanks honey!), I considered going without a cell phone. But the landline was going to cost just as much as my 450 minute cell plan, so I just went ahead and kept the cell. It's reliable and small, the way I like it. Do not need to carry it on my belt because it is so f--king large, just drop it in my front pocket. Keep it on silent mode all the time, anyone that wants to talk to me will leave a message, and I may, or may not bother to call them back. 


Wed, 09/12/2012 - 14:55 | 2786874 TheFourthStooge-ing
TheFourthStooge-ing's picture

akak said:

Don't own a cell phone of any kind, don't ever want one either.

Damn, I thought I was the last holdout.

I used to get strange looks when telling people that I didn't have or want a cell phone. "But why don't you want one," I'd sometimes be asked. My standard reply was, "because then people would call and interrupt me all the time."

Nowadays I get the occasional "you're lucky - I have to carry one" comments.

All you shallow gadget-obsessed trendsuckers constantly bumping into me out in public with your heads down and your attentions focused on your CRUCIAL conversations or textings of the moment, who simply MUST have the latest mass-marketed multi $100 electronic toy, are no better than children.  Worse, in fact.

When everything begins unraveling in a major way, cell phone coverage will all but disappear. You'll see these people on the ground in a fetal position (or on a Chinese citizenism roadside in a fecal position), clutching their iUmbilicalCord and muttering, "this isn't happening."

I call them the bus riders. They'll be fighting for a seat on the government bus when they're told that the FEMA camps have epic cell coverage. They'll be texting each other and updating their Facebook pages all the way into the "decontamination showers".

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 19:13 | 2787755 akak
akak's picture

Birds of a feather ....

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 15:14 | 2786963 Cathartes Aura
Cathartes Aura's picture

I'm with you on this akak - no cells, and *gasp* no land line either. . .

my sole communication device is internet-based, and when/if that goes down, face-to-face will suffice.

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 14:07 | 2786636 Widor
Widor's picture

I think this stock will implode by December.  I made a T-theory chart...looks like it go any time, but wouldn't rule out it going full retard blow-off top first.  Will keep the popcorn ready... (chart is a month old btw)

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 14:07 | 2786638 RobinHood73
RobinHood73's picture

This has got to be the most mundane phone ever created. Good luck with that 500 MM units

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 14:07 | 2786640 RobinHood73
RobinHood73's picture

This has got to be the most mundane phone ever created. Good luck with that 500 MM units

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 14:11 | 2786653 nowhereman
nowhereman's picture

We all know that people will fall for this "new" iphone.  Shit my daughter and son-in-law are apple snobs to the max.

The thing that gets me is, Why do they call this a phone?  It's just and undersized tablet with phone capabilities that locks you into the App Store.

I've been shaking my head for some time now at how gullible people are.  How they can be led by the nose by clever marketers.  But then again I'm to the point that nothing can really surprise me anymore.

Shit when the GDP depends on the consumer buying more useless crap, I can only come to the conclusion that it's the end of civilization as we know it.

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 14:58 | 2786896 TheFourthStooge-ing
TheFourthStooge-ing's picture


The thing that gets me is, Why do they call this a phone?  It's just and undersized tablet with phone capabilities that locks you into the App Store.


Wed, 09/12/2012 - 14:13 | 2786660 Fix It Again Timmy
Fix It Again Timmy's picture

The last device you'll ever need and love - iVHadit...

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 14:21 | 2786705 ptoemmes
ptoemmes's picture

So, this is gonna boost GDP huh.  Not without the iQE app.



Wed, 09/12/2012 - 14:31 | 2786760 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

There's always the iWar app. Just ask Krugman.

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 15:44 | 2787113 Christophe2
Christophe2's picture

Isn't he suggesting iFakeAliens to save the day?

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 18:01 | 2787623 smiler03
smiler03's picture

That GDP story is so inaccurate it's worthless. It assumes retail of $600 per phone.


Todays press release from Apple says the retail is $199 16GB base model to $399 for the top of range 64GB model.

Does not compute.

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 14:27 | 2786739 Carl Spackler
Carl Spackler's picture

"Finally, the most important question - when is the iPhone 6 (with the purchase funded by the iBank captive leasing arm) coming?"


It's material like this which keeps bringing me back to Zero Hedge.  (I especially chuckled at "the captive leasing arm" quip.)

Only real genius can connect the dots and construct a humorous insight like this via inductive reasoning.

Of financial media, only the WSJ could even come close to (but not match) such talent.

Bravo Tyler Durden, bravo !


Wed, 09/12/2012 - 14:29 | 2786748 dobermangang
dobermangang's picture

They need to build a phone that shoots bullets.  Now that would really sell well.

Wed, 09/12/2012 - 15:33 | 2787054 Biggieshort
Biggieshort's picture

Yeah, but a lot of people would be blowing their brains out making phone that I think about it, that may not be a bad thing.

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