Apple Presents iPhone 5, Market Unimpressed

Tyler Durden's picture

To the complete shock of absolutely nobody,  Apple has unveiled the iPhone 4GS Botox Turbo 5


All the market wants to know is if it will buy Spanish bonds, and if it is acceptable ECB collateral. Everyting else is now just part of the annual, soon to be semi, quarterly, and so on, facelift. AAPL shares sliding - after reaching up to yesterday's closing VWAP at $664 (now at yesterday's lows)

Finally, the most important question - when is the iPhone 6 (with the purchase funded by the iBank captive leasing arm) coming?

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slaughterer's picture

Sell the news / buy the dip.  

CPL's picture

Until all channels are stuffed properly...or Walmart stops selling iPhones (shhhhh, little bird on a perch...too many returns on battery issues and siri, refocus attention to higher margin android and windows stuff)


Plus the market understands that retail credit is very, very thin and Xmas plans for most this year will involve eating instead of buying an iPhone over car maintenace, clothing and food.

nope-1004's picture

Apple chasing Samsung now, much like Blackberry chased Apple a few years ago.  This is the top.


xtop23's picture

Reggie called this a while back pretty convincingly. They are going to slip back to the hardcore boutique crowd eventually. They cannot compete with the Google business model. 


My Samsung Galaxy 3 eats this gd thing for breakfast.

Mark Carney's picture

"He pokes fun at tablets from rival companies: “I don’t know what these other tablets are doing,” he says, suggesting they are probably being kept in drawers somewhere." -Cook


Well Mr. Cook, my playbook (ya that 7" inch thing RIM had before you did and that everyone made fun of and now YOU are copying) is by my bed everynight so I can read ZH before I sleep.  FUCK YOU.

Pladizow's picture

Press Release:

Next generation Chevy Volt to come with a fire extiguisher and a 6th tire you can keep at home.

Good news - Losses only expected to increase to $55K per Volt

Lets all get one!


knukles's picture

Hah ha ha ha
First last and only Volt I saw was plastered with a big ass Obama/Biden2012 sticker.

'Nuff said

BurningFuld's picture

Love my Playbook. Most under rated electonics device on the market. Multi-tasking dynamo. 

goldm3mb3r's picture

Love my iPad 3 but is wish I had waited for the iPad 5 which is rumoured to have an integrated toaster and love torch.

Cognitive Dissonance's picture

".....iPad 5 which is rumoured to have an integrated toaster and love torch."

I make love to Mrs Cog by the glow of my iPhone4. Unfortunately it goes out every 10 seconds so I have to stop and touch it again and again.

Mrs Cog is rapidly losing patience. Hopefully they fixed this defect with the iPhone5. :>)

NotApplicable's picture

Can't you just talk to Siri to keep her awake, or will Mrs. Cog get jealous?

Cognitive Dissonance's picture

I did not have sexual relations with that woman......Miss Siri. Those allegations are false.

<Besides....Mrs Cog has already forgiven me.>

YuropeanImbecille's picture

I have a Galaxy S3 and it sucks compared to my old iphone 4.


Android is pure shit... I can not comprehend how anyone can like that retarded system???

xtop23's picture

More free apps, faster processing speed, more memory, flash player, comparable camera / video features, much easier to customize to your usage, and cheaper.

Yeah the droid platform sucks /sarc

Cognitive Dissonance's picture

Yeah.....but it ain't an iPhone. So there. :)

Actually the iAnything has the same premium attached to it as is attached to the Harley Davidson motorcycle brand.

My iPenis makes more noise that your iWhatever. iHarder too.

<Disclosure: Recovering long time HD owner still cursed with withdrawal shakes.>

saints51's picture

Android is for the more advanced user.

Dr. Acula's picture

>Android is pure shit...

aka Dalvik

Element's picture



Android is pure shit... I can not comprehend how anyone can like that retarded system???



I bought an Android phone last year and could not believe how shit it was.  I'm no fan of smart-phones in general but when I got it I understood and was assured it was the best phone operating-system around.  Not that I gave a toss about that, I just wanted to make calls and keep an address book, and maybe check the hedge and stuff when in transit.   But boy what rubbish Android is.  It took me weeks to find how to stop the piece of shit from doing things I didn't want it to do for me, on my behalf, and to do the things I did want it to do, and do them to a minimum standard of tolerability.

And what's with the completely retarded Android phone keypad, that 2/3rds obscures the fucking phone book -- FUCK!!! 

And if you bump the screen or press a name the fucking garbage thing dials the number, when all you were doing was trying to scroll through the fucking phone book list!  If drives you crazy, and is making calls you didn't want to make, so you cancel the call but it's too late, because the person at the other end gets a text and thinks I was trying to call them, so they feel compelled to ring me back and ask what I wanted?

Gezzus!!! Did I mention I just fucking hate Android phones?

And the Android browser is a hopeless joke, it's truly disastrous interface design.  The common function that every user uses to browse pages are not even on the screen! And what pisses me off the most is who you are reading a page and you are using your finger to scroll down, and you just happen to brush a link.  And bang, this fucking piece of shit browser is interrupting what you were reading and dumping you to a link that you did not want to go to!  It doesn't ask you if you wanted to do that.  There's no double tapping a link to follow it, there's no opening it in another tab.  Nope it just fucks up what you were reading every time. But to add insult to it all, then you have to go into a submenu system just to access a basic common place function like "backwards" and "forwards", navigation, to get back to where you were.

Did I mention already how much I hate Android?

There is always some arsehole who decides I need a more glossy and stylish fucking interface that's a complete piece of shit to use or navigate.  They basically designed in chronic dysfunction!  Android seems to me to just be an expression of the worst type of, "style over substance", that so plagues every arsehole company's latest gadget.  It's seriously disappointing that with the technology in these things that they apparently have arty-farty interest-group oriented wankers designing the, "user interface".

Because if I designed it, it'd become the most useful, practical and popular interface in the known universe in about a month.   But instead we get this crap that you can see was designed for a 14-year-old idiot with a dire need to refill their Ritalin script, else it was designed by one.

And then there are still these insane "Android fan" twerps, running around the internet saying how good their Android phone is! Where do these utter idiots come from?  But most importantly, is it possible to stop them breeding?  Thing is, I'm confident that the Apple would be just as hopelss and wretched, I can tell by how many insane moron 'fan's it has.


The mother-of-all digital-gadgetry truisms is that under no circumstances should you ever buy anything recommended to you by an avid 'fan' of any product or company--they are without exception, totally full of shit.

malikai's picture

Holy shit! A fifth row of icons?

Game changer there, guys.

NASDAQ 36,000.

kaa1016's picture

You got a laugh out of me on that one. It's unbelieveable how people keep falling for this shit. AAPL is great to trade options on though...

YuropeanImbecille's picture

I am actually a apple fanboi with all things apple, but I bought the Galaxy S3 to check it out.

The new iphone 5 with an extra row of icons is now also pure shit =) have reverted back to the iphone 4.


IF I see anyone on the street with an extra row of icons I will slap them for being fucktards


malikai's picture

You don't sound like a fanboi to me. Fanbois don't just own iStuff, iStuff ownes them.

You want to do a neat trick with your S3? Install Chrome or Firefox on it.

I saw your comment above about how you don't like Android. Well, I understand. To me, it is a bit like the windows/linux argument of the 90s. It will all boil down to preference, until Apple finally jumps the shark once and for all like MS did.

CPL's picture

Fucking Windows 8...and Windows 7 application remediation.   Logistical nightmares.  It has opened up Linux running Wine to actually run inhouse core applications that businesses and governments wrote in dead languages.



teahouse's picture

but the new head-phone ear plug are cool !!!

LawsofPhysics's picture

Another overpriced toy, well hey, at least it is something real.

ParkAveFlasher's picture

<<<I buy an iPhone 5 or

<<<10 x 1oz .9999 Canadian mooses

TheCanadianAustrian's picture

I upvoted, but it has nothing to do with the iPhone.

Ahmeexnal's picture

let me has to do with your 401k.

goldm3mb3r's picture

Weird how it is 1 goose and 2 geese, but not 1 moose and 2 meese.

Sofa King Confused's picture


holdbuysell's picture

No pony, but I hear you can get cash back when you take out the loan to buy one. /sarc

Dr. Richard Head's picture

My daughter has, after months of babysitting and cashing in her birthday goods, purchased an iPad with cash......gasp......I tried to convince her to buy some silver instead, but she was more interested in making music videos glamorizing herself and such.  And to think, I was fighting the political battle to make sure my children have a better life.  Self-grandizing little punks.

Ahmeexnal's picture

you might want to have a DNA check on "your" kids.

blabam's picture

Talent usually skips a generation.

malikai's picture

Be glad you have tought your daughter to save and manage her money. Do not fret about what she buys.

Dr. Richard Head's picture

Very sage advice that is greatly appreciated.

Dagny Taggart's picture

A four inch screen, more pixels and more apps. So much for conversation at home for the next year. I will call his new upgrade the iLostHim. Damn.

Cognitive Dissonance's picture

And my iPorn will now be 44% brighter and 1/2 inch bigger......screen.

<Was that my out-loud voice?>

Dr. Richard Head's picture

I am going to open a store that has a line of squeegees with built-in spray disinfectant that can used for iPods, iPads, and iPhones.  IPO that one bitch.

cbxer55's picture

So much for conversation anywhere for that matter. At work you cannot talk with anyone, they all have their heads stuck in their f--king phones. It's so bad the commander of the base sent out an e-mail to everyone telling them they need to start talking to each other, and looking at each other again. I mean people walking down the halls with their heads down in their phones.


Cognitive Dissonance's picture

"I mean people walking down the halls with their heads down in their phones."

Actually I think you meant to say "People have their heads up their iAss."

<Disclosure: My head is up my iAss as well.>

samcontrol's picture

It was a culture shock for me (foreignor) when i visited the States. Seing so many people with their " heads up their iass " really shocked me,, really...

The ultra power nation in the world ,  some of the best colleges , brilliant minds . and an icredibly diversified country. I can think of a thousand better things to do in Miami than to spend 2 hours in a lobby switching from app to app. no wonder your government does as it pleases.

WAKE THE FUCK UP SHEEPLE , that includes Tyler with these articles on apple. What about amazon and it,s P/e ? Fuckbook ? HP ? Ect ect....

Do we have to go thru this everytime this corroding company  makes a new product everyone already has.




centerline's picture

It really is amazing.  My wife is one of the "assimilated."  Cracks me up to see a bunch of people sitting around, all staring down at devices.  And all they talk about is what they show each other on their devices.  Heck, they update the FB pages next to each other.  The movie Wall-E had it right.

Dr. Richard Head's picture

You should see the smoking area outside of our call center.  15 girls smoking away, one or two guys, with their heads up their iAss.  Not only are we increasing our chances for stroke, heart attack, and cancer, but we can farmville and zynga cash away the last few hours outside of capativity on our iAss.  Myself included.

Cathartes Aura's picture

can't have people looking UP. . .

might notice the constant aerosoling of their skies.