Bank Of America Is Restructuring Its Retail Bank Division - Full Memo

Tyler Durden's picture

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buzzsaw99's picture

they will be the best organized bankrupt bank in the country bitchez!

Panafrican Funktron Robot's picture

Yeah, that is "holy fuck" level of convoluted.

Pladizow's picture

Did the VP Linda Green get transferred?

Cleve Meater's picture

I get dibs on reporting to Laurie Redhead...

Fish Gone Bad's picture

I think I can streamline these jobs some more.

Terry Schappert - Claims
Bob Shiflet - Fraud

Put those two jobs together and make it Fraud claims. 


gojam's picture

"Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third"

anonnn's picture

The convoluted organization table must flow from Lewis and Moynihan, no? The New BAC is cobbled together from insane particles. Its legacy will  be a case-study in business psychosis at a funny farm turned into a spin-bin for quack bankers.

Panafrican Funktron Robot's picture

"TBD - Non-Core Portfolio Assets"

If this isn't a red flag alert, I don't know what is lol.

buzzsaw99's picture

assistant manager of temporary assets. lulz

Buck Johnson's picture

There depositors are in for a very very rude awakening.  Like Bank of America would have done that without the okay of somebody in the govt. is BS.  You don't even hear a whisper from congress about it or the president, just the FDIC and a few others.  This was done and allowed to happen and a few agencies where told to make a big stink out of it.  The govt. must have been told that if we didn't get these derivatives off of our books and into a backed book with the govt., they would default and start a chain reaction of insured derivative owners running to get their money.

Dre4dwolf's picture


Just like the titanic, they aren't gona stop the music till the ship is 10 feet under.

homersimpson's picture

So who's in charge the Consumer Fees and Customer Revenue Optimization department?

No One's picture

"Customer teams will define what our customers want and need."


Yes Bank of America, tell me what I want and need. I fully trust you and your "customer teams". I can bring the vaseline too.


Somebody stop this ride, I want to get off!

Spastica Rex's picture

I saw that too. I closed out my account about a month ago. Wish I could participate in Bank Transfer Day and close out my account AGAIN. Rat bastards.

Missiondweller's picture

Me too. My wife & I opened accts with a credit union. They were busy that day. When my wife needed to go there again today she said the place was "buzzing" with people opening accts.

Mass exodus from BAC

iDealMeat's picture

It would be best to do it before then. I bet BAC will close that Saturday Nov 5th..

Kiwi Pete's picture

Hey, why don't you open a new account with them. Then you can close it out again so you don't miss out!

Spastica Rex's picture

Awesome idea!

Hi BoA, I changed my mind and I like you again. Please go through the trouble of opening a new account for me. Actually open three. I have three stacks of $1 bills worth $100 each, and they all need to go in separate accounts. Thanks! Now I've changed my mind - close 'em.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

TeamDepends's picture

Oooooh!  We have a bunch of pesos and other coins/bills from around the world, some of the countries don't exist anymore.

upWising's picture

Customers want and need to see Bank of America executive "teams" using toasters while they are in the bathtub.  Start with the Cyclops of Omaha.

LeBalance's picture

You can easily tell when someone hasn't really gotten past first grade when they start mocking people's names.

....but I just can't help it!

Dean Euthanasia? Good luck getting a loan?

Susan Faker? Interacts with MERS?  Good title there?

Walter Elcock?  Not touching this one, even at this distance!

Laurie Readhead?  help me out. Buzz? Akak?  LH?  WB7?

(from Dr. Strangelove: "Bat Guano, is that really your name?")

Dewey, Cheatum and Howe!

Wannabee's picture


Don't overlook Titi Cole !

kaiserhoff's picture

Nice, but we can do better.  How about Titi N. Ringer?

SilverIsKing's picture

Katy Knox = Katy Knockers
Susan Faulkner = Susan Fucker or Susan Fuck Her
Barbara Desoer = Barbara Do Her
Ann Balthis = Ann Ball This
Titi Cole = Titty Ho
Lynn Kuttruff = Lynn Cuntsrough
Walter Elcock = Spanish to English Translation - Water The Cock

MobBarley's picture

You'd be fun to work with. :)


Troll Magnet's picture

Where's Linda Green?  Did she get fired?  Or promoted perhaps?

UP Forester's picture

"Sandy Wood"  will be pumping out Home Loan pleasure....

Darth..Putter's picture

Dean Euthanasia?

Is he in the insurance biz?

PaperBear's picture

Get your money out of Bank of America.

Oh wait, police officers do not allow customers into branches who want to close their account.

Your money is not your money any more.

LeBalance's picture

bank run:: pre-emptive strike.

Troll Magnet's picture

Online banking, dude.  Just open an account at another bank or CU and then transfer your balance.  Or do what I did and buy lots of PMs and deplete your account.  Then, go to your BoA branch and tell them you have no money in your account and that you want to close it.  

Dave Thomas's picture

Better yet, zero out your account and leave it so it can accrue ANALysis and miscellany fees. That way they can put those on their P&L statement. Guffaw!

Freewheelin Franklin's picture

I closed a PNC account 2 years ago and I still get emails every month saying my statement is ready to view.

holdbuysell's picture

Online transfers work wonders. One never has to step foot in the place. And then close the account by a Dear John letter, preferably through the online system.

Curiously, can you just withdraw all your money and leave the account open with zero balance?

It'd be like a zombie bank account. How fitting: a zombie bank with zombie bank accounts.

DollarMenu's picture

If you incur and leave unpaid fees for violating minimum balance rules,

could they reduce limits or raise interest rates on any credit cards you may hold with them?

Maybe the fees just accrue until non-payment reaches felony status?

They are twisted, sick, and perverse.

A clean. complete closure might be the best action.

Mark123's picture

Just like government....when in doubt reorganize!


I'll bet BoA will rock from now on.

FinalCollapse's picture

I wouldn't be so gentle with SOBs.

Wannabee's picture

All these firms should just buy communication templates from someone on the web and dispose of their communications/marketing dept. Thereby insert favorite key word(s) here:

focus, align, strategy, going forward, synergy, drive efficiency, realize, drive, blah blah blah blah blah blah

Please pass the barf bag.

PaperBear's picture

Just go bankrupt already.

Hephasteus's picture

People aren't bankrupt till the banks tell them they are.

Banks aren't bankrupt till the people tell them they are.

Since the introduction of the fed the banks haven't had to admit bankruptcy until ALL of them were bankrupt.

The cops are just there to keep people from telling them they are bankrupt.

camaro68ss's picture

looks like a solid team

Stack Trace's picture

Crying crocodile tears for those poor bankers... This guy is a slime:

Canaduh's picture

Should I expect anything else from a guy named Neil Weinberg?

Damn goys should know their place.

catch edge ghost's picture

This thing is begging for one of those pretty word clouds.

Elooie's picture

deckchairs... on the titanic.

Stack Trace's picture

Switched my business accounts to a local credit union from another credit union.I was told that my previous credit union was losing so much money on business loan defaults they started charging large monthly fees to start pushing out their business clients. This was from the mouth of a banker.

Anyway, at the new credit union we were told about the wave of new customers fleeing BofA. In fact we had to wait one hour to meet with a banker to open our new account because of the packed waiting room. unions.