Berlusconi Blames Stock Market Volatility On Cocaine Abuse By Traders

Tyler Durden's picture

Just when we thought the most ridiculous thing one could expect from the market was another "all shall be well" rumor from Merkozy (with details pending of course), and the algos naturally falling for it in what is set to be a record low volume session, here comes Italy and shows just how horribly wrong we were. From Bloomberg: "Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi's Undersecretary Carlo Giovanardi said the government will study if it's feasible to conduct drug tests on stock-exchange traders, with the help of the Milan Bourse and the country's market regulator. Giovanardi, who is in charge of family policy and drug prevention, said that the abuse of drugs including cocaine might explain part of recent stock volatility." And there you have it: cut out the Cocaine abuse by traders and all shall be well in the stock market, and retail will be delighted to flood right back in and throw what little money it has left into the grand global ponzi. We are not quite sure what binary stimulant will be used to explain the HFT-driven volatility - after all, and especially on days like today, about 80% of market volume is purely robotic, but we are confident Carlo will figure something out. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you deflect attention from market volatility as a byproduct of being a hooker-addicted pederast who blew up a country's economy.

Carlo's interview for our Italian readers.

h/t Paolo

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winter is coming's picture

Fucking crash already. 

HelluvaEngineer's picture

Remove the concaine and the market would be crashing today.  Who would buy the market today except for the balls to the wall high on coke crowd?

Pladizow's picture

If you wanna ride, ride the white horse!

I dont like cocaine, I just like the smell of it!

WonderDawg's picture

Brother, can you spare a line?

espirit's picture

Blame the Cocaine?  Next it will be Ukrainian Hookers, after the weather of course.

MisterMousePotato's picture

C'mon. Berlusconi is, at worst, technically a pedophile. Catholic priests are pederasts. Big difference.

Ghordius's picture

hahaha. I'm really impressed at all this fun..

"Berlusconi Blames Cocaine..."

this fucking retard "the most honorable Senator of the Italian Republic Mr. Carlo Giovanardi" is a right-wing fucktard that got into the cabinet with a sinecure in order to appease the italian hillbillies.

- he is known for all kind of idiotic talk - he just got in a row with IKEA on the "definition of family" (some ad was too gayfriendly for his tastes)

- this still does not justify a headline like "Berlusconi blames Cocaine..." ZH, this is tabloid manners usually connected to Murdoch's goons

- the "warning" might be more serious than you think, most of you ZeroHeads are used to nations protecting private interests, well, think again, Italy has oscillated between Communism and Fascism since it's inception, a "morality crackdown" is quite possible - after all Murdoch has isolated Italy from all kinds of "normal journalistic approaches"...

Oh, I missed the cherry on the top

" ...byproduct of being a hooker-addicted pederast who blew up a country's economy."

Really? So he blew up the economy? By doing what? A nearly-balanced-budget? Tyler, you give an awful lot of credit (or debit) to one PM.

sgt_doom's picture

In all seriousness, to anyone who chooses to do the research, simply look into how many present and past employees of the Federal Reserve System (USA) have had nasal passage replacement operations.

Truly, truly shocking....

bartek's picture

It got me thinking how we could easily fix the economy. Simply legalize cocaine so that housing prices can go up again. Then people would use equity withdrawals to buy more cocaine which would make them bid up house prices even higher. With house prices sky high everybody will be so rich that they will get into the top 1% !

Nascent_Variable's picture

Bank executives would burn through their supply and demand a cocaine bailout from Columbia.

Careless Whisper's picture

No, the laundering of the $375 Billion drug money came first. That was 2004-2007. After that stoppped, due to the Wachovia funded 6 ton cocaine DC-9 crash, that's when the bailout occured.

Quaderratic Probing's picture

HFT processor cores to be made of Cocaine replacing Silicon. Super high liquidity then.

Great Unwashed's picture

The fact that you and many others are eager for a crash is precisely why it has not occured. Crashes take people off guard.

TeresaE's picture

Only some people off guard.  A tireless minority changed the history of our country and 70% of the inhabitants at that time probably didn't see it coming.

The internet is upping the percent that can see what will happen this time.

It is going to happen, when it happens.  Some will "call" the timing correctly - the law of averages.

But really, does it matter?  The only time to preserve what you have left is when you still have it. 

History shows that those thinking they can time the market are usually wrong.

Yesterday (as in years back) was my day to prepare, I quit caring about this corrupted, fraud-ed, HFT market long ago.

And I'll still have what I have, those banking on "gains" will hope to be so lucky.

dracos_ghost's picture

Market ain't gonna crash. The best trade is to apply logic and do the exact opposite.

EvryInternational's picture

In real terms, it has never stopped crashing since the top in 2000....

Goldenballs's picture

Cocaine and dodgy living,a million miles away from his life,my arse !!!!!!!!

krispkritter's picture

+1 8-ball

-1 Screwball(Berlusconi)

covert's picture

maybe he should be drug tested because of false presumptions?


Wakanda's picture

Gotta wait until next weekend - then SHTF

Paralympic Equity's picture

Bunga, bunga bitchezzz...

Racer's picture

Truly amazing.... I am so stunned at how ridiculous that statement is

They are as brainless as the HFTs

EscapeKey's picture

On the contraty, it's the most reasonable suggestion yet.

jekyll island's picture

I like what this italian guy is saying.  Let's bring him over and put him in charge of DHS, test all the people receiving welfare and food stamps.  If it shows blow, you don't get no dough, bitchez.  

karzai_luver's picture

Dood, have you SEEN the peeps on the snap?


They are not doing coke that would be an instant death as they are not healthy enough to tolerate the drug.


The gvt SHOULD hand out free coke with the snap cards, within a years time the snap would be dropping like a rock!




jekyll island's picture

You underestimate the resilience of the peeps, my friend.  You can kill a flower, you can't kill a weed.  

karzai_luver's picture

Way past time for this drug testing.


Since the "markets" are nothing more than a gvt propped sham then it is only natural that the employees should be tested just as gvt employees are tested.


And the gvt pay scale should be imposed.


I would say around a GS-12 wage.



Dreadker's picture

rofl to GS-12 wages... When i left the military i was offered a GS-13 position and was pleased until i saw the salary band and replied

"Fuck that!  If i'm gonna be a wage slave, it'll be for more ponzi toilet paper than you're offering!"

Eeyores Enigma's picture

Could it be the Singularity?


Some trader hides his stash in the tower of his HFT super-computer and the computer likes it....

NotApplicable's picture

Perhaps. I was just going to say the feedback loops are HFT's on crack.

The nice thing about infinity, I guess, is that it happens all at once.

Zonker's picture

Bond traders been tooting on the job for years!

tmosley's picture

I'm Doctor Rockso, the Rock and Roll Trader!  I do COCAINE!

RemiG2010's picture

Admit it! You feel much better now, don't you? ;)

Edward Fiatski's picture

Sure am, brother! About to buy some EUR calls.


buzzsaw99's picture

excuse me, but shouldn't we being giving them more cocaine?

Raynja's picture

Berlusconi wants all the traders to spend their money on underage prostitutes so they are too busy to sell.

HardlyZero's picture

Gotta keep his (street level) economy above water.

Are they going to test the politicians too ?

BorisTheBlade's picture

Nothing will be left for politicians. Berlusconi is only suggesting traders to switch from cocaine to heroine, there's a supply glut in Afghanistan.

SeverinSlade's picture

I don't know, he may be on to something.  This market only makes sense to people that are high on hopium.

WonderDawg's picture

When the hopium runs out, they'll turn to despairium, which is what I'm selling.

El Gordo's picture

I hate to tell him, but it's not the traders that are buzzed up - it's the buyers.  No one in his right mind would be a buyer, so it must be someone living in never never land.

GolfHatesMe's picture

What's a Pederast, Walter?

Shut the Fuck up Donny!

Wakanda's picture

Bunga Bunga!

Maybe the robots are snorting in the server room!

7 days until Black Monday II

Scipionz's picture

I need a fix....

vato poco's picture

"Hello, Kettle? This is The Pot. You're BLACK!"

Dr. Engali's picture

So are we going to be up 1,000 points before the day is over? The robots have gone crazy. Maybe they are on drugs.