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Bernanke Gets Hammered, Tells Truth About US Economy
Yes, this is from the Onion. But in this surreal, centrally planned by none other than Ben Bernanke reality, the mirror in mirror effect is extremely disturbing.
Drunken Ben Bernanke Tells Everyone At Neighborhood Bar How Screwed U.S. Economy Really Is
SEWARD, NE—Claiming he wasn't afraid to let everyone in attendance know about "the real mess we're in," Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke reportedly got drunk Tuesday and told everyone at Elwood's Corner Tavern about how absolutely fucked the U.S. economy actually is.
Bernanke, who sources confirmed was "totally sloshed," arrived at the drinking establishment at approximately 5:30 p.m., ensconced himself upon a bar stool, and consumed several bottles of Miller High Life and a half-dozen shots of whiskey while loudly proclaiming to any patron who would listen that the economic outlook was "pretty goddamned awful if you want the God's honest truth."
"Look, they don't want anyone except for the Washington, D.C. bigwigs to know how bad shit really is," said Bernanke, slurring his words as he spoke. "Mounting debt exacerbated—and not relieved—by unchecked consumption, spiraling interest rates, and the grim realities of an inevitable worldwide energy crisis are projected to leave our entire economy in the shitter for, like, a generation, man, I'm telling you."
"And hell, as long as we're being honest, I might as well tell you that a truer estimate of the U.S. unemployment rate is actually up around 16 percent, with a 0.7 percent annual rate of economic growth if we're lucky—if we're lucky," continued Bernanke, nearly knocking a full beer over while gesturing with his hands. "Of course, if everybody knew that, it would likely cripple financial markets across the entire fucking globe, even in various emerging economies with self- sustaining growth."
After launching into an extended 45-minute diatribe about shortsighted moves by "those bastards in Congress" that could potentially exacerbate the nation's already deeply troublesome budget imbalance, the Federal Reserve chairman reportedly bought a round of tequila shots for two customers he had just met who were seated on either side of him, announcing, "I love these guys."
Numerous bar patrons slowly nodded in agreement as Bernanke went on to suggest the United States could pass three or four more stimulus packages and "it wouldn't even matter."
"You think that's going to create long-term economic growth, let alone promote job creation?" Bernanke said. "We're way beyond that, my friend. There are no jobs, okay? There's nothing. I think that calls for another drink, don't you?"
While using beer bottles and pretzel sticks in an attempt to explain to the bartender the importance of infusing $650 billion into the bond market, the inebriated Fed chairman nearly fell off his stool and had to be held up by the patron sitting next to him.
Another bargoer confirmed Bernanke stood about 2 inches from her face and sprayed her with saliva, claiming inflation was going to "totally screw" consumer confidence and then asking if he could bum a smoke.
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Lol.. Love the onion. Thx TD
Its true, people tends to tell the truth when they are drunk and have alcohol running in their blood stream. I recommend that before Congress meets that they should go to a bar. This will save us a lot of posturing and lying.
In vino veritas.
I'll drink to that!
come to me oh Irish and do what you do well
i've hunger for your amber ways and with you i would dwell
i've many reasons good and bad with you to share some time
and you have never let me down but that's true of your kind
http://thepeakoilpoet.blogspot.com/2011/07/come-to-me-oh-irish.html
works with cocain even better just in non slurry double speed speech.
There would be endless discussions however, just as today.
No i did not want to imply anything!
Most alcoholics are immune to the effects of alcohol.
That's assuming they have blood in their veins. They don't. I'm betting it's woosie juice.
Would be good if he really did.For him and everyone else.Really cathartic.
Oh come one already!!!!!
Up until a couple of years ago, Bernanke didn't even understand credit derivatives. He simply doesn't have the necessary intelligence to understand just how screwed up things really are!
Oh come one already!!!!!
Up until a couple of years ago, Bernanke didn't even understand credit derivatives. He simply doesn't have the necessary intelligence to understand just how screwed up things really are!
judging from CSpan, i assumed that's what they already do
I found this picture from the onion to be especially symbolic of our current state of affairs:
http://www.theonion.com/articles/area-dogs-rock-bottom-same-as-his-peak,...
Area dogs rock bottom same as his peak.
I want to live in the Onion World. Every day would be non-stop entertainment.
Just move to DC.
Onion world requires lots of drugs. So yeah, DC is the place for that.
hmm, looks like they might have gotten some inspiration from here
http://red-pill.org/intergalactic-bailout-rescue-global-collapse/
lol ..onion inspired parody inspires onion post, surreal.
We can only dream of truth telling of this magnitude from the PTB.
Given all the bullshit that the MSM dishes out on a daily basis, couldn't this Onion story be the lead story on the Drudge Report today? Matt Drudge could wake up a few million readers to the truth by posting one fictional story.
Sadly I see the Drudge Report as controlled opposition. It is not what it seems to be. Many are not.
Amen to that, CD.
Hey CD...
What would you reccomend as an alternative to Drudge?
I have found that in the last year or so, The Onion has been the most accurate news source available.
Because humor is DEEPLY founded in truth.
Or it wouldn't be funny. Or tragic.
Excellent point.
Excerpt from: http://www.theonion.com/articles/democrats-republicans-celebrate-pitiful...
foreal, satire is at it's most poigniant when the lies are omnipresent.
Did he start a tab?
He's paying with PMs.
The bar won't accept FRNs.
Naa. That would be too "traditional" to pay with that barbarous relic.
Nope, couldn't have paid in PMs. That would contradict his testimony to RP that Pms aren't money.
Hmmmm, I thought he originally attempted to pay with SDRs????
naa its bernanke, he wrote a couple iou's on some napkins and said that would cover it. Of course the bar tender accepted the "note" he's a representative of the Government for crying out loud. They don't call it the "Federal" reserve for nothing!
shesh, gotta spell it out for everyone...
lol...the government has to go to the same guy for cash to pay its promises.
FRN = federal reserve napkins
Buy, buy, miss american pie.
Man.. he's so coherent when drunk! What beer is it..?
Beer. The Truth Serum.
as TD says, this might be the Onion BUT THERE IS MORE TRUTH IN THIS THAN ANYTHING BEnron SAYS TO THE PUBLIC!!!
ME thinks the Onion got hold of a real story about BEnron....
In cervisia veritas
Mad props for the Miller High Life visual
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0iSN3nK61k
It is The Champagne of Beers after all.
Ales are way better than pilsners!
In the pic, he's holding a bud regular. The bit about the miller HL was part of the satire.
I find it very disappointing that The Onion cannot tell the difference between a Bud and Miller bottle. I expect more from my fake news.
True, but I cut em slack because of all the great articles, like:
Strom Thurmond Proposes Transcontinental Railway
Collectable Plate Industry Calls for Tragic Death of Streisand.
Sudden Infant Death Syndrome Linked to Bad Parents Who Could Have Done Something
etc.
There is hope after all! Everyone send Bernanke a case of Johnnie Walker.
Real News (sometimes): Rolling Stone Magazine, Comedy Central.
Real News in satirical form: The Onion.
Most of the rest of the media: Pure propaganda.
In other hilarious (and somewhate pre-emptive headlines)
From CNBS
Current DateTime: 06:39:52 03 Aug 2011LinksList Documentid: 19874752
Expiration DateTime: 8/3/2011 6:40:52 AM
-
- Dow Opens Higher, Reversing 8-Day Loss
Made all the more funny as DOW is listed as -6.93 ROFL, headline already changed in the past 2 minutes:New, more accurate headline.
New headline:
Screw It; Markets Continue Crash
Very astute observation, Brah.
I've been telling everyone who care to listen and confirm that the lame ass stream proxy media has been changing headlines intraday and even intra-hour, for years now.
I remember when they were literally changing headlines on retail sales during the Christmas Season of 2010, back in January, in a sad, funny but surreal attempt to make the bad look better - they'd literally change a headline from "Retail Sales Languish as Consumers Fearful About Employment," to "Retailers Report Stronger Than Anticipated Demand from Consumers" within 20 minutes - this was Reuters, AP, all the usual suspects.
Welcome to the Matrix.
that is more Minitruth than Matrix
In the large, tragic context of where we find the central planning 'free markets' and 'free press,' I have to, tragically, agree.
At least he's not a "mean drunk" only a "truthful drunk" in this story. This would have been a great video.
Hasten the Collapse, OBAMA 2012
so when did the onion start reporting factual news...i thought they just made shit up for laughs
Bottoms up bitchez.
Witnesses also confirmed that near the end of the evening, Bernanke put money into the jukebox and selected Dire Straits' "Money For Nothing" to play five times in a row. "This is what it's all about," said Bernanke, who reportedly danced alone in the middle of the dark tavern. "Fucking love this song."
epic
...then enjoy the song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dlPjxz4LGak
he he he
I imagine him staggering dancing ala tom cruise in tropic thunder.
Is that the spirit of Ted Kennedy to the left? I see a Christmas special in the works!
Ghost of Economy Past: Ted Kennedy
Ghost of Economy Present: Greek Protestor.
Ghost of Economy Future: Starvin' Marvin from South Park.
Your polite suggestions for alternate "ghosts" are quite welcome.
a gaunt, sad looking man and his wife in their early 60's. Some kind of sign at their feet but the message isn't clear and has spelling errors. Can't quite make it out.
A weather beaten tri-fold hat in his hand --turned up. Beckoning the generosity of those walking past.
Forward History,
OR, Teddy Kennedy & Chris Dodd SFaced, and raping a waitress..........and get away with it.
What's the difference,except Bernie, and his Handlers rape all of us, and get by with it.
Blaming Congress for his employer's policies, is akin to passing the Buck(no pun intended).
That's a real shot, nice picture!
Finally we got some truth.
Priceless! Nearly shat myself!
Figures a low life would drink a high life
i think its a budweiser
The photo was taken later in the evening, when Bernanke began stealing drinks from patrons.
Right before he passed out, he purged all of those drinks stolen from patrons after discovering that the latest beer had been used as an ashtray for several hours.
Oh so funny. I rememebr sitting around a cable spool table drinking and the blonde sleaze drinking from the ashtray bottle. He He He. We all laugh and 2 minutes later she does it again!. Wound up in my bed. Jesus, the memories.
All part of Obamas crime circus to blame someone else. A total set up.
That is a Budweiser, not a Miller High Life. Come on Onion...............
Beer makes you smarter.
It made Bud wiser.
very old drinking joke.
epic post...i haven't had a laugh attack like that since my divorce...
Laughing like this?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U7dbOAyl0OU&ob=av2n
The band's name is particularly fitting in this context.
Time for shorts to get strong here, SPY is in the NO SUPPORT ZONE, collapse is imminent. Instant crash coming........
In vino veritas
No amount of alcohol or drugs will make a man tell the truth when he lives on lies, and believes them to be true.
I went to the University of Wisconsin- Madison where the ONION started. Still brilliant 20 plus years later. There is truth in satire!
The onion is my only addiction.
Hell, we've become so immersed in a "reality" of suspended disbelief, a.k.a., lies, that hearing somebody say the truth is emotionally overwhelming. We release the shock as laughter.
"Comedy" is the last remaining refuge of truth.
LOL
He talks like an uber-dink even while shit-faced?
Foster Brooks would be so proud!
Miller Highlife - The champagne of bottled beers.
Nothing is too good for our financial oligarchy.
He still owes me 5 bucks and a pack of smokes.
Now yer' talkin'.
I wanna buy a round for the house!
Hey Bernank, don't spray it, say it.
I call BS on this story. The Bernank doesn't qualify to be drinking Miller High Life. The Truck driver of the high life truck would have gone up to him and taken the beer away..... i saw it happen on TV before
Good point, Mineshaft......Bernanke's favorite drink is supposed to be Bullshot!
If he ever really did say those things, I still would not believe him.
I hate to tell you that I told you so but the Dirty Fucking Hippies were right!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iKEZoY-TMG4&feature=youtube_gdata_player
I was sitting outside a "Dough Boys" at the Virginia Beach oceanfront, last night with the wife, having some hot wings and Blue Moon. Wings were great, hotter than expected, but unfortunately the service sucked...anywayyy, some guy walks by with wife and 2 boys in their early teens and I asked the wife if she had her phone/camera. "Why" she asks. I said "That guy walking by looks like Ben Bernanke, I'd like to ask him for a pic!" She looked at me, like, "Who the hell is Ben Bernanke??". True story. Couldn't have been him though as he was obviously pouring his guts out, elsewhere, as per onion.
"Look", exclaimed the FED Chairman, "It is pretty f*cking obvious the Federal Reserve isn't an independent body".
"WE can do anything we want and there isn't a thing that can be done to stop us". Ben takes a swig of his beer and then loudly slams down his bottle...
"It's the Rothschild, Warburg and Morgan dynasty that we serve and protect, you losers made the biggest mistake ever letting us control your money supply for the past one-hundred years!!! muwhahahahah". The bartender then asks Ben for his car keys, Ben t stuck out his tongue, let out a hiss and thn skipped out the door.
Ben slams down a shot of tequila, followed by a long pull on his beer, his head slumps forward like his spine liquified. Suddenly he bolts upright in his chair and screams "WHY!!!?" "After all I've done fer em, the basserds are gonna have Jar-jar Binks play me in the movie."
Yeah, all this means that they have painted good ole Benny as just one of the common man. He's just a good guy, you see, not one of the filthy scum that did this.
The riots will start soon. In the US of A, riots have scoped rifles. They will be coming for him. And others.
Bernanke is the Joker in the latest deck of New Depression trading cards.
Once a Chairsatan, always a Chairsatan.
Thanks TD for leading us to the news. it confirms what regular zerohedge readers already know. I think Chinese leaders may find this news useful. Then may be they also already know. All they need is a Bernanke moment to tell the truth with the help of some good old beer.
Fake obviously. He does not care.
That's hilarious
Seeing as no one trusts or believes anyone in authority,he could tell the whole and complete truth including scandal and political blackmail and no one would believe him at all.
This is obviously real, because that guy sitting next to him is comedian Ron White. the redneck comic who does his routine with a glass of scotch and a cigar. (He tells the best drinking stories)
Seeing as no one trusts or believes anyone in authority,he could tell the whole and complete truth including scandal and political blackmail and no one would believe him at all.
There was always something I liked about Bernanke. Now I know what it is. He hates being a part of this. Way down the Jew has a good heart. We got to see the real man off stage. Now the basters will probable kill him, and he knows it. Now; I must pray for him, and his family.
Humpty Dumpty is in charge and is calling the shots, move over Bernanke...
US market stays down today=finished. I'm already in short. Could be early but I have a feeling any bounce will be shortlived and feel free to short anyone of them.
George Carlin's words 4 years ago are truer today
http://lonerangersilver.wordpress.com/2011/08/02/george-carlin-they-dont...
Must be a gay bar, I'm sure that's Barney Frank he's talking to there in the picture.
Disappoint this is. No vid. Humor that would be.
Rotfl, the shot of barney frank is classic.
100% Win.
Not impressed, can't believe people actually read The Onion. Just look at the news, make fun of it. Wow that was hard.
Champagne of Beers and Whiskey shots...? I would have figured him for Pernod and Orange or some such. At least he (ficticiously) drinks like a man.
Its a bit dated from the days that our debt was a mere 10 Trillion, but I still think this may be the governments last plan to deal with debt before the wheels come off.
http://www.theonion.com/video/us-government-stages-fake-coup-to-wipe-out-nationa,14356/
Do you chumps really believe this is true? The pic looks a bit Williambanzai7ed . . .
lmao.
funny how we all think this is funny...when in reality, last night bernanke, paulson, geitner, obama, and several bank ceo's were all sitting around smoking cuban cigars and laughing how they had f^cked the american tax payer so hard they cant even stand up straight...i heard they all laughed so hard they spilled their $100k bottle of cognac...god it must have been a fun time.
Yeah, that about sums it up.
Pic is Photoshop.
Story, I simply can't believe.
Especially not because they sum up things exactly with the numbers. How would ANYBODY in the world keep all things he said in his mind???? I call this BS but funny :-)
this is either reasonable quality 'misinterpretation' trolling (7/10 because I had to answer you) or you should have checked out the Onion before answering.
First, the Bad News:
"More than $2 trillion was erased from the value of global equities in the past week, and Treasury yields set new lows for the year, amid concern the economic recovery is faltering. Service industries expanded in July at the slowest pace since February 2010 as orders and employment cooled, data from the Institute for Supply Management showed. Equities pared losses today amid speculation the Federal Reserve will provide more monetary stimulus to spur growth."
http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2011-08-03/asian-stocks-oil-slump-on-conce...
*****************************************
Now for the Good News:
Obama's Economic Advisor sees No Recession
***************************************
See, it ain't all bad.
badghad bob of the central banks, banzi biatchez
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