Bernanke Gets Hammered, Tells Truth About US Economy

Tyler Durden's picture

Yes, this is from the Onion. But in this surreal, centrally planned by none other than Ben Bernanke reality, the mirror in mirror effect is extremely disturbing.

Drunken Ben Bernanke Tells Everyone At Neighborhood Bar How Screwed U.S. Economy Really Is

SEWARD, NE—Claiming he wasn't afraid to let everyone in attendance know about "the real mess we're in," Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke reportedly got drunk Tuesday and told everyone at Elwood's Corner Tavern about how absolutely fucked the U.S. economy actually is.

Bernanke, who sources confirmed was "totally sloshed," arrived at the drinking establishment at approximately 5:30 p.m., ensconced himself upon a bar stool, and consumed several bottles of Miller High Life and a half-dozen shots of whiskey while loudly proclaiming to any patron who would listen that the economic outlook was "pretty goddamned awful if you want the God's honest truth."

"Look, they don't want anyone except for the Washington, D.C. bigwigs to know how bad shit really is," said Bernanke, slurring his words as he spoke. "Mounting debt exacerbated—and not relieved—by unchecked consumption, spiraling interest rates, and the grim realities of an inevitable worldwide energy crisis are projected to leave our entire economy in the shitter for, like, a generation, man, I'm telling you."

"And hell, as long as we're being honest, I might as well tell you that a truer estimate of the U.S. unemployment rate is actually up around 16 percent, with a 0.7 percent annual rate of economic growth if we're lucky—if we're lucky," continued Bernanke, nearly knocking a full beer over while gesturing with his hands. "Of course, if everybody knew that, it would likely cripple financial markets across the entire fucking globe, even in various emerging economies with self- sustaining growth."

After launching into an extended 45-minute diatribe about shortsighted moves by "those bastards in Congress" that could potentially exacerbate the nation's already deeply troublesome budget imbalance, the Federal Reserve chairman reportedly bought a round of tequila shots for two customers he had just met who were seated on either side of him, announcing, "I love these guys."

Numerous bar patrons slowly nodded in agreement as Bernanke went on to suggest the United States could pass three or four more stimulus packages and "it wouldn't even matter."

"You think that's going to create long-term economic growth, let alone promote job creation?" Bernanke said. "We're way beyond that, my friend. There are no jobs, okay? There's nothing. I think that calls for another drink, don't you?"

While using beer bottles and pretzel sticks in an attempt to explain to the bartender the importance of infusing $650 billion into the bond market, the inebriated Fed chairman nearly fell off his stool and had to be held up by the patron sitting next to him.

Another bargoer confirmed Bernanke stood about 2 inches from her face and sprayed her with saliva, claiming inflation was going to "totally screw" consumer confidence and then asking if he could bum a smoke.

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Gubbmint Cheese's picture

Lol.. Love the onion. Thx TD

Divided States of America's picture

Its true, people tends to tell the truth when they are drunk and have alcohol running in their blood stream. I recommend that before Congress meets that they should go to a bar. This will save us a lot of posturing and lying.

The Peak Oil Poet's picture

 

 

come to me oh Irish and do what you do well
i've hunger for your amber ways and with you i would dwell
i've many reasons good and bad with you to share some time
and you have never let me down but that's true of your kind

 

http://thepeakoilpoet.blogspot.com/2011/07/come-to-me-oh-irish.html

Ratscam's picture

works with cocain even better just in non slurry double speed speech.
There would be endless discussions however, just as today.
No i did not want to imply anything!

EvlTheCat's picture

Most alcoholics are immune to the effects of alcohol.

snakeboat's picture

That's assuming they have blood in their veins.   They don't.  I'm betting it's woosie juice.

Tom_333's picture

Would be good if he really did.For him and everyone else.Really cathartic.

sgt_doom's picture

Oh come one already!!!!!

Up until a couple of years ago, Bernanke didn't even understand credit derivatives.  He simply doesn't have the necessary intelligence to understand just how screwed up things really are!

sgt_doom's picture

Oh come one already!!!!!

Up until a couple of years ago, Bernanke didn't even understand credit derivatives.  He simply doesn't have the necessary intelligence to understand just how screwed up things really are!

davepowers's picture

judging from CSpan, i assumed that's what they already do

TheMerryPrankster's picture

I found this picture from the onion to be especially symbolic of our current state of affairs:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/area-dogs-rock-bottom-same-as-his-peak,...

 

Area dogs rock bottom same as his peak.

ElvisDog's picture

I want to live in the Onion World. Every day would be non-stop entertainment.

JohnG's picture

Onion world requires lots of drugs.  So yeah, DC is the place for that.

doggings's picture

hmm, looks like they might have gotten some inspiration from here 

http://red-pill.org/intergalactic-bailout-rescue-global-collapse/

lol ..onion inspired parody inspires onion post, surreal. 

Cognitive Dissonance's picture

We can only dream of truth telling of this magnitude from the PTB.

FEDbuster's picture

Given all the bullshit that the MSM dishes out on a daily basis, couldn't this Onion story be the lead story on the Drudge Report today?  Matt Drudge could wake up a few million readers to the truth by posting one fictional story.

Cognitive Dissonance's picture

Sadly I see the Drudge Report as controlled opposition. It is not what it seems to be. Many are not.

AndyR's picture

Hey CD...

What would you reccomend as an alternative to Drudge?

mtomato2's picture

I have found that in the last year or so, The Onion has been the most accurate news source available. 

Because humor is DEEPLY founded in truth.

Or it wouldn't be funny.  Or tragic.

StychoKiller's picture

Excerpt from:  http://www.theonion.com/articles/democrats-republicans-celebrate-pitiful...

WASHINGTON—Following Sunday’s pathetic excuse for an agreement on raising the government’s borrowing limit, Democrats and Republicans took time to celebrate the meager, ineffective deal, calling it “a testament to the not-so-great things that can happen in Washington when both parties barely come together and agree to not really accomplish anything.” “It took months of phone calls, negotiations, and meetings, but finally we created a pretty sad version of a framework that, we’re happy to say, none of us is really proud of, and that doesn’t really do much to solve our country’s fiscal problems at all,” said House Speaker John Boehner, who gave a cheerful thumbs up and added that the sorry piece of legislation was expected to pass both houses of Congress with a really pitiful display of bipartisan support. “Once again, Democrats and Republicans have demonstrated why our mangled, fractured, barely functioning democracy is the greatest in the world.”

knowless's picture

foreal, satire is at it's most poigniant when the lies are omnipresent.

bania's picture

Did he start a tab?

Wakanda's picture

He's paying with PMs.

The bar won't accept FRNs.

Jeremy Roenick's picture

Naa.  That would be too "traditional" to pay with that barbarous relic. 

Ryman1075's picture

Nope, couldn't have paid in PMs.  That would contradict his testimony to RP that Pms aren't money.

sgt_doom's picture

Hmmmm, I thought he originally attempted to pay with SDRs????

augie's picture

naa its bernanke, he wrote a couple iou's on some napkins and said that would cover it. Of course the bar tender accepted the "note" he's a representative of the Government for crying out loud. They don't call it the "Federal" reserve for nothing!

shesh, gotta spell it out for everyone... 

trav7777's picture

lol...the government has to go to the same guy for cash to pay its promises.

citta vritti's picture

FRN = federal reserve napkins

buzzsaw99's picture

Buy, buy, miss american pie.

Version 7's picture

Man.. he's so coherent when drunk! What beer is it..?

jus_lite_reading's picture

Beer. The Truth Serum.

as TD says, this might be the Onion BUT THERE IS MORE TRUTH IN THIS THAN ANYTHING BEnron SAYS TO THE PUBLIC!!!

 

ME thinks the Onion got hold of a real story about BEnron.... 

InconvenientCounterParty's picture

In the pic, he's holding a bud regular. The bit about the miller HL was part of the satire.

NotApplicable's picture

I find it very disappointing that The Onion cannot tell the difference between a Bud and Miller bottle. I expect more from my fake news.

Real Estate Geek's picture

True, but I cut em slack because of all the great articles, like:

Strom Thurmond Proposes Transcontinental Railway

Collectable Plate Industry Calls for Tragic Death of Streisand.

Sudden Infant Death Syndrome Linked to Bad Parents Who Could Have Done Something

etc.

Downtoolong's picture

There is hope after all! Everyone send Bernanke a case of Johnnie Walker.

kridkrid's picture

Real News (sometimes): Rolling Stone Magazine, Comedy Central.

Real News in satirical form: The Onion.

Most of the rest of the media: Pure propaganda.

Larry Darrell's picture

In other hilarious (and somewhate pre-emptive headlines)

 

From CNBS

Current DateTime: 06:39:52 03 Aug 2011
LinksList Documentid: 19874752
Expiration DateTime: 8/3/2011 6:40:52 AM Made all the more funny as DOW is listed as -6.93 ROFL, headline already changed in the past 2 minutes:
  • Dow Struggles to Hold Gains; Gold Surges
  • New, more accurate headline.

     

     

    Pool Shark's picture

    New headline:

    Screw It; Markets Continue Crash

    TruthInSunshine's picture

    Larry Darrell


    Vote up!

    1
    Vote down!

    0

    In other hilarious (and somewhate pre-emptive headlines)

     

    From CNBS

    Current DateTime: 06:39:52 03 Aug 2011
    LinksList Documentid: 19874752
    Expiration DateTime: 8/3/2011 6:40:52 AM

    Made all the more funny as DOW is listed as -6.93 ROFL, headline already changed in the past 2 minutes:

  • Dow Struggles to Hold Gains; Gold Surges
  • New, more accurate headline.

     

    Very astute observation, Brah.

    I've been telling everyone who care to listen and confirm that the lame ass stream proxy media has been changing headlines intraday and even intra-hour, for years now.

    I remember when they were literally changing headlines on retail sales during the Christmas Season of 2010, back in January, in a sad, funny but surreal attempt to make the bad look better - they'd literally change a headline from "Retail Sales Languish as Consumers Fearful About Employment," to "Retailers Report Stronger Than Anticipated Demand from Consumers" within 20 minutes - this was Reuters, AP, all the usual suspects.

    Welcome to the Matrix.

    trav7777's picture

    that is more Minitruth than Matrix