This page has been archived and commenting is disabled.

A Bit Of Humor Amid The Financial Insanity

Tyler Durden's picture




 

Submitted by Tim Price of PFP Wealth Management, via Sovereign Man

A Bit Of Humor Amid The Financial Insanity

"Investors back historic Greek debt swap" - FT headline 9.3.2012.

BANK, n. Bottomless cavity in the ground that sucks in money and the unwary. 
I had quite a bit of money but then I put it in the bank.

BOND, n. A profitless contrivance used for catching the gullible or feeble-minded. 
That pension fund is 100% in bonds now.

BROKER, adj. A comparative descriptive state for a client of a Wall Street bank. 
He didn't exactly have a lot of money before he started dealing with Goldman Sachs. Now he's even broker.

BUBBLE, n. Fundamental prerequisite for a functioning Anglo-Saxon economy.
We need a new bubble to replace the ones we had in dotcom and property.

CENTRAL BANK, n. Lobbyist for commercial banks well versed in alchemy.

CURRENCY, n. Largely intangible substance with an inherent property that tends to instantaneous evaporation, the destruction of life and the permanent impairment of wealth.
I had money once but then I exchanged it for currency in a moment of madness.

DEFAULT, n. Semi-mythical celestial occurrence that passes by Earth every 76 years. 
I was worried for a second about that Greek default, but I realise there's nothing to see now and all is well.

FEDERAL RESERVE, n. A wholly owned subsidiary of Goldman Sachs.
The Federal Reserve voted to give a few more billion dollars to Wall Street.

GREECE, n. An undesirable or unfortunate happening that occurs unintentionally but results in harm, injury, damage and colossal loss of wealth. And profits for Goldman Sachs.
Did you see Greece ? Sheesh.

HORLICK, n. Progressive and insufficiently appreciated investment visionary.

HOUSE, n. In most countries, simply a place to live. In Britain, a theoretically infinite source of perpetual tax revenue for deluded Lib Dems. (This is tautological. - Ed.)

INVESTOR, n. Plucky protagonist admired for brave deeds and quixotic struggling who is about to get shafted by Wall Street interests.
I was an investor in euro zone sovereign bonds but then everything went Greek.

JAPAN, n. Where hopes of profit go to die.

KEYNES, n. Slang: Vulgar. Disparaging and offensive.
That joker Posen is a complete Keynes.

POLITICIAN, n. Someone better informed than you about how to spend your money.

RATINGS AGENCY, n. A professional entertainer who amuses by relating absurd and fantastical tales.
That ratings agency's credit assessment was so funny, I had to change my trousers.

RESTRUCTURING, n. Statutory rape.
Those bondholders are undergoing a voluntary restructuring - you might even call it a 'credit event'.

ROGUE TRADER, n. Unprofitable proprietary trader. (Hat-tip to Killian Connolly.)

SOCIETY, n. The process whereby wealth is diverted from taxpayers to banks.

TAXPAYER, n. Simple-minded dolt too foolish to be working for the government.

US GOVERNMENT, n. Another wholly owned subsidiary of Goldman Sachs.
We seem to be running out of Goldman Sachs alumni here in the Treasury. No, wait, we've still got hundreds of 'em. 
 
VINCE CABLE, n. (No longer in technical use; considered offensive) a person of the lowest order in a former and discarded classification of mental retardation. 
Don't be a Vince Cable - get down off that wardrobe and come and eat your tea!

 

- advertisements -

Comment viewing options

Select your preferred way to display the comments and click "Save settings" to activate your changes.
Tue, 03/13/2012 - 13:34 | 2250931 AmazingLarry
AmazingLarry's picture

CDS - buying a loaded gun that has no trigger.

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 13:38 | 2250956 GeneMarchbanks
GeneMarchbanks's picture

+1

I boldly salute you sir.

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 13:43 | 2250966 TruthInSunshine
TruthInSunshine's picture

I think it's time to go neck deep into equities with uber-leverage. I've heard that there's a "Bernanke Put."

Retailers look like they a lot of upside here.

Wish me luck.

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 13:45 | 2250989 spiral_eyes
spiral_eyes's picture

The Bernank put me out of my misery.

Euthanasia.

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 14:12 | 2251083 trav7777
trav7777's picture

sorry, GS doesn't wholly own the Fed.  It is merely ONE of the parties that wholly owns it lol

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 14:31 | 2251166 TruthInSunshine
TruthInSunshine's picture

I concur.

Like JP Morgan (the man), Goldman is more akin to a Lieutenant of the House of the Red Shield.

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 14:32 | 2251168 Azannoth
Azannoth's picture

True but let's not split hairs, they are all in bed together

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 16:32 | 2251759 Thomas
Thomas's picture

Bubble: n, Highly appreciated asset class in which you currently have no position. Gold is in a bubble.

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 18:51 | 2252160 rocker
rocker's picture

Goldman Sachs Rules the World.  As ruler of the world, Gold is Goldman's favorite undisclosed asset.

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 13:56 | 2251025 resurger
resurger's picture

am down with you Roguer ...

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 13:47 | 2250994 resurger
resurger's picture

hahahaha

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 13:54 | 2251015 Yen Cross
Yen Cross's picture

 How about buying a gun loaded with blanks?

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 14:08 | 2251065 AmazingLarry
AmazingLarry's picture

How about an ICBM aimed at everyone at the same time including yourself? Silver electronics in the warhead of course, bitchz.

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 15:03 | 2251314 SunnyDD
SunnyDD's picture

I have my own FED with a HP. hehe

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 16:59 | 2251878 hedgeslammer
hedgeslammer's picture

Pretty much priceless.

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 17:11 | 2251925 TheFourthStooge-ing
TheFourthStooge-ing's picture

SEC - government funded hospice facility for chronic masturbators.

 

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 13:36 | 2250942 Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance's picture

"BROKER, adj. A comparative descriptive state for a client of a Wall Street bank.
He didn't exactly have a lot of money before he started dealing with Goldman Sachs. Now he's even broker."

Excuse me.....but I resemble that. :>)

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 13:50 | 2250997 duo
duo's picture

"ROMNEYED", v. To use leverage to strip a viable business of it's assets, leaving the carcass to failure and job loss.  "I bought that Gulfstream with the money we Romneyed from KB Toys."

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 13:36 | 2250943 Yen Cross
Yen Cross's picture

 Thank You Tyler. Just what the doctor ordered. The 10's auction came in as expected ( 2.076).

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 13:37 | 2250953 Hedgetard55
Hedgetard55's picture

Shit is not funny anymore.

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 15:24 | 2250969 LouisDega
LouisDega's picture

Neither was the intermission to Ben Hur and Spartacus, But it is needed to go in the kitchen and eat a cookie

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 13:38 | 2250955 Everybodys All ...
Everybodys All American's picture

ROGUE TRADER, n. Anyone shorting the Bernanke wealth effect. 

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 13:40 | 2250963 t_kAyk
t_kAyk's picture

hilarious, too bad our entire language will be comprised of nothing but 'sustainable' come 2109... 

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 13:49 | 2251005 pods
pods's picture

Assuming we make it that far.

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 14:59 | 2251294 HardlyZero
HardlyZero's picture

Why does this hole thing start reminding me of a Woody Allen movie...like Sleeper ?

The entire plot is getting riduculous !!  (and everything is operating on an alternate plane of thought).

Next we should see levitation classes starting for all Bankers and Financiers.

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 17:34 | 2251997 Thamesford
Thamesford's picture

When they start handing out the orbs and we wave goodnight to Uncle Ben on TV, we'll know

 

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 18:05 | 2252060 Pairadimes
Pairadimes's picture

By then, we'll be writing it in Mandarin.

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 13:40 | 2250965 LookingWithAmazement
LookingWithAmazement's picture

Meanwhile:  Fitch Upgrades Greece to 'B-'/Stable from 'Restricted Default'

http://bit.ly/yPAuc1

#WhatCollapse?

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 13:44 | 2250981 Tsar Pointless
Tsar Pointless's picture

Hell-airy-us!

Bull-ish, too!

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 13:55 | 2251019 resurger
resurger's picture

recession is now officially "Over"

 

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 15:00 | 2251303 HardlyZero
HardlyZero's picture

recession is curable with Rogaine (at $500 a treatment)....really.

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 17:14 | 2251940 TheFourthStooge-ing
TheFourthStooge-ing's picture

Cue Larry Kudlow in a Goldilocks wig.

 

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 14:06 | 2251047 Yen Cross
Yen Cross's picture

That Fitch rating is ( 7 notches below) Ireland! Food for thought.

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 14:08 | 2251067 Vince Clortho
Vince Clortho's picture

The icing on the cake.

Just print a boatload of money for the banks that lost on the Greek Debt, and the banks are doing just fine again.

And Greece, we don't see any more problems with Greece now.

Same with Spain and the rest of the PIIGS.

Who would have thought the solution was so easy?

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 14:30 | 2251161 LookingWithAmazement
LookingWithAmazement's picture

Indeed. Markets have calmed down. That's what counts.

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 15:01 | 2251308 HardlyZero
HardlyZero's picture

again, I have this feeling...I am in a Woody Allen plot.

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 14:37 | 2251190 tekhneek
tekhneek's picture

Next they'll retroactively retract their credit event ruling.

"Just kidding! It's all good. We have the gold."

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 15:02 | 2251312 HardlyZero
HardlyZero's picture

Extending and pretending a recession while kicking the can down the road leads to market levitation (without the external easing dopants).

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 13:41 | 2250968 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

Prosecution- A term reseved for the ungrateful sheeple who fall behind on their taxes.

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 13:45 | 2250987 Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance's picture

You're gonna pay a lot more in taxes with way fewer 'services' and you're gonna like it.....or else.

Now smile dammit, SMILE.

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 14:10 | 2251076 resurger
resurger's picture

this is serious doc :S

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 14:12 | 2251082 Vince Clortho
Vince Clortho's picture

Is there really a need to collect taxes any more?

The Printing Press has realistically rendered tax collection into a triviality.

Guess they could keep it around as a vestigial show of making the masses believe the old system still works.

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 14:22 | 2251127 espirit
espirit's picture

Only honest people pay taxes.

Me?  I've substantial losses to cover.

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 14:25 | 2251142 Silver Pullet
Silver Pullet's picture

Tradition, you know.

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 16:19 | 2251689 Errol
Errol's picture

Vince, taxes are what "backs" all that debt da Bernank is buying, which in turn backs FRNs.  You know, the "full [blind] faith and credit "[rating] of the laboring class...that's why they say it's backed...piled on their backs, more precisely.

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 13:43 | 2250974 Kreditanstalt
Kreditanstalt's picture

What's with this TOTAL asset correlation, across all asset classes, and ZERO volatility?  Is this even REAL?

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 13:45 | 2250985 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

No it's never been real. You've been living in a dream Neo. Welcome to the real world.

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 13:52 | 2251003 Kreditanstalt
Kreditanstalt's picture

NOTHING is moving...stuff just gaps up or down and SITS.  NO volume.   Makes me wonder how long mom'n'pop retail will be able to sit in CDs and bank deposits at +/-0%...they'll be FORCED back into stocks eventually. 

Or is EVERYONE in REITs - which continue, somehow, impossibly, magically, to pay out big bucks...

The dash-for-trash continues...TICK FOR TICK, the good companies drop while the junk rises...day after mind-numbing day...

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 13:55 | 2251020 TruthInSunshine
TruthInSunshine's picture

You take the blue pill – the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill – you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 14:26 | 2251144 espirit
espirit's picture

I originally took the red pill, but desperately want the blue pill now.

Pullezze? Either that or unplug me.

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 16:29 | 2251749 Thamesford
Thamesford's picture

Quantitative Easing: When the Fed reaches down your throat and pulls out the Red Pill and force feeds you the Blue pill

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 14:09 | 2251069 Jim in MN
Jim in MN's picture

We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own.  And your assets for good measure.

--Los Algos Muchachos

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 13:44 | 2250982 Marley
Marley's picture

"The American Dream":  Forty seven different fairy tales you were told while you were bought and sold for profit.

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 13:45 | 2250984 TradingJoe
TradingJoe's picture

The new meaning for "true jokes"!

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 13:46 | 2250992 LongSoupLine
LongSoupLine's picture

MSM - Springboard tool for algo's and book talking money harvesters.

Zero Hedge - Kryptonite of the MSM and book talking money harvesters

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 13:48 | 2250998 Hedgetard55
Hedgetard55's picture

Now that Tiger is off the roids I doubt he will ever be the same golfer - they have undoubtably damaged his body permanently in many ways. So Bernanke's financial roids will eventually destroy our financial system, the damage is done, we can never go back to normal, once the money printing stops we are dead, thus it will continue until currency destruction. Dr. Ben Mengele Bernanke will go down in history.

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 13:48 | 2251000 Tsar Pointless
Tsar Pointless's picture

Amerikkkan - the dumbest creature roaming around the green-and-blue flat planet humans refer to as "Earth".

The bigoted and dirt-poor Amerikkkan praised God and Ronald Reagan (to some this is one-and-the-same) for the slum he lives in, as someday, his ship will come in and via trickle-down economics he, too, will be rich.

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 13:48 | 2251001 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

Justice-Corzine hanging from a bridge.

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 13:48 | 2251002 Dull Which
Dull Which's picture

Greek Immigration Officer: “Nationality?”
Tourist: “German.”
Greek Immigration Officer: “Occupation?”
Tourist: “No, just on holiday

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 13:52 | 2251008 AlaricBalth
AlaricBalth's picture

Microeconomist - People who are wrong about specific things.

Macroeconomist - People who are wrong about things in general.

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 13:56 | 2251022 bugs_
bugs_'s picture

yer all mf'n keynes now!

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 14:04 | 2251026 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

Vaporized- The Bernank effect on the average citizen's buying power.

The Bernank vaporized my money right in front of my very eyes.

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 14:03 | 2251033 SillySalesmanQu...
SillySalesmanQuestion's picture

Commandments: What Goldman Sachs issued to U.S. Goverment, NYSE and Federal Reserve on stone tablets saying what Thou Shall Not Do....

                   GS, doing God's Work.

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 14:02 | 2251039 AlaricBalth
AlaricBalth's picture

Uncommon wisdom from a common man:

Felonious Munk Presents: Stop It B! OBAMA PAY YOUR &*%$#% BILLS

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tRmZ9zH-mYM

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 14:02 | 2251040 Spaceman Spiff
Spaceman Spiff's picture

Free:  1)  handouts to the poor  2) handouts to the mega connected/ rich 3) fucking of those in the middle.

 

I hope this young lady makes a bankster version of this:   http://youtu.be/NzspsovNvII   "It's free, swipe your ebt." (great satire)

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 14:06 | 2251051 earleflorida
earleflorida's picture

hilarious -

needed a good laugh -

thankyou  :-))

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 14:06 | 2251052 Jim in MN
Jim in MN's picture
DELIBERATION, n.
The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on.
--Ambrose Bierce
Tue, 03/13/2012 - 14:07 | 2251054 Benjamin Glutton
Benjamin Glutton's picture

 fixed it for you...

BUBBLE, n. Fundamental prerequisite for a functioning Anglo-Saxon economy.
We needed a new bubble to replace the money we lost in dotcom bubble and it was property.

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 14:10 | 2251075 semperfi
semperfi's picture

GOLDMAN SACHS, n.  God's company

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 14:11 | 2251080 AldoHux_IV
AldoHux_IV's picture

The federal reserve: the product of years and years of psychopathic inbreeding.

End the inbred Fed.

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 14:25 | 2251091 Blkhat117
Blkhat117's picture

The FED diagnosing Goldman Sachs Mental health

 

(FED) It appears you suffering form Finanical Insanity mr. Sachs

(Glodman) come on man give me some more "easing" you know in good for it

(FED) No i cant do it.... not this time.

(Goldman) Im strating to get those visions.

(FED) What visions?

(Goldman) getting my ass kicked by giant gold bars

(FED) oh no not you too. look meet me at timmy's at 8

And this is the story behind QE2

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 14:30 | 2251155 tekhneek
tekhneek's picture

CORZINED (korr-zine-duh) verb. n. The act of repetitively being sodomized (with no lube) via 1s and 0s and liking it.

"All my deposits got Corzined!"

"I'll Corzine your face and you'll like it!"

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 14:30 | 2251160 espirit
espirit's picture

SkyNet - 00011010011110000000

SkyNet has left you without real wealth.

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 14:56 | 2251181 John Law Lives
John Law Lives's picture

"BOND, n. A profitless contrivance used for catching the gullible or feeble-minded. That pension fund is 100% in bonds now."

That is pretty funny.  Maybe Tim Price will join the Meredith Whitney fan club while he's at it.

 

WHITNEYITE, n. An adherent of financial strategy proffered by a bubbleheaded big-mouthed broad who was recognized for making the WORST financial prediction for 2011.

http://www.wallstreetdaily.com/2011/12/23/the-worst-prediction-of-2011/

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 14:52 | 2251263 Miss Expectations
Miss Expectations's picture

Head Injury n. A past event used to excuse abhorrent unforgivable violent behavior or reason given to explain central bank behavior.

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 15:07 | 2251334 Seize Mars
Seize Mars's picture

Stolper, verb.

To Munson.

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 15:12 | 2251353 writingsonthewall
writingsonthewall's picture

HOUSE - For most a place to live, in Britain - see PENSION

FINANICAL GENIUS - A 'winning' prop trader

ROGUE TRADER - A losing prop trader

 

 


Tue, 03/13/2012 - 15:22 | 2251398 writingsonthewall
writingsonthewall's picture

TAX - Money given to Goverments in good faith for good purposes - but used for evil purposes

"Hell did we just pay loads of tax to murder civilians in the middle east?'

ELECTION - A time when people vote for a change in leader, knowing if that leader is not 'acceptable' that they will get a technocrat instead.

"Thank God we voted out Berlesconi, but we voted for the wrong guy - so now we have Mario'

GERMANY - A country paralized by it's own history.

FRANCE  - A country paralized

ZEROHEDGE - A torch shining brightly in the dark.

"Thank god for zerohedge - otherwise I would have to watch cnbc"

 

CRAMER - To make a seriously bad call

"Sorry dude - I made a right Cramer when I told you to invest in MFGlobal a week before it went bust"


Tue, 03/13/2012 - 16:10 | 2251620 exartizo
exartizo's picture

Wow... they're piling it on thick today.... they can Extend and Pretend forever it seems..... Dow up 218 on bull**it

Thought this might be interesting..

 

I've composed this list for review and comment. No hard research here, just my own experience imho:

The Top Five Online Spin Doctored (Extend and Pretend) "Market News Sources" 

1. Reuters.com ( Also number one in censured users)

2. Marketwatch.com

3. Forbes.com

4. CNBC.com

5. USAToday.com

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 16:41 | 2251756 Errol
Errol's picture

BULL SHIT n., financial news that stinks but causes markets go up anyway.

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 16:32 | 2251762 Thamesford
Thamesford's picture

QE 3... 4....n: The desire to keep taking laxitives when you're shit out of everything

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 18:15 | 2252081 Pairadimes
Pairadimes's picture

Balance Sheet n; a financial statement used to hide the outrageously precarious state of fiscal imbalance that is routine for institutions considered too big to fail.

Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!