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Borowitz Does It Again: Introducing PhoneBook

Tyler Durden's picture




 

It just never gets old...

From Andy Borowitz

Introducing the Hot New Social Network, PhoneBook

SILICON VALLEY (The Borowitz Report) – A new social network is about to alter the playing field of the social media world, and it’s called PhoneBook.

According to its creators, who invented the network in their dorm room at Berkeley, PhoneBook is the game-changer that will leave Facebook, Twitter and even the much anticipated Google Buzz in a cloud of dust.

“With PhoneBook, you have a book that has a list of all your friends in the city, plus everyone else who lives there,” says Danny Fruber, one of PhoneBook’s creators.

“When you want to chat with a friend, you look them up in PhoneBook, and find their unique PhoneBook number,” Fruber explains.  “Then you enter that number into your phone and it connects you directly to them.”

Another breakout utility of PhoneBook allows the user to arrange face-to-face meetings with his or her friends at restaurants, bars, and other “places,” as Fruber calls them.

“You will be sitting right across from your friend and seeing them in 3-D,” he said.  “It’s like Skype, only without the headset.”

PhoneBook will enable friends to play many games as well, such as charades, cards, and a game Fruber believes will be a breakout: Farm.

“In Farm, you have an actual farm where you raise real crops and livestock,” he says.  “It’s hard work, but it’s more fun than Mafia, where you actually get killed.”

 

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Wed, 05/23/2012 - 12:54 | 2455423 bdc63
bdc63's picture

let your fingers do the walking ....

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:01 | 2455470 nope-1004
nope-1004's picture

The only rational IPO valuation for a PhoneBook company is $200 Billion, roughly $100 Billion more than that out of date Face thingy.  When can I buy into this POS?

 

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:09 | 2455529 resurger
resurger's picture

am buying! The creator of this is not a Harvard graduate right?

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:11 | 2455548 redpill
redpill's picture

I hope not.  For maximum street cred in the Silicon Valley you are allowed to attend an Ivy League school but it's essential that you dropped out prior to graduation.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:18 | 2455551 Paul Atreides
Paul Atreides's picture

I have been beta testing this since I deleted faceplant and I can tell you the GUI is AMAZING not to mention the audio sampling rates and video quality on the face to face feature is superb, it's like your in the same room. A very well thought out and intuitive piece of software.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:21 | 2455623 Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance's picture

I don't know about that. For us old pharts the font is way too small.

Is there a way to resize the PhoneBook up by 200%?

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:25 | 2455642 johnQpublic
johnQpublic's picture

get it wet

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:28 | 2455666 Paul Atreides
Paul Atreides's picture

@CD Currently there is not a lot of customization in the font sizes but the platform is open source which allows you to copy and replicate the data into your own custom phonebook application. I have added a feature request (FR#GLASSES) just incase you are unfamiliar with the open source aspect.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:41 | 2455747 Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance's picture

"I have added a feature request (FR#GLASSES) just incase you are unfamiliar with the open source aspect."

Up till now I've been using ground down Coke™ bottle bottoms to see The PhoneBook. But this morning Mrs. Cog told me that I can purchase an upgrade at any pharmacy counter.

Will wonders never cease?

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:54 | 2455832 Temporalist
Temporalist's picture

There is a third party app for magnification called OWL:

http://www.amazon.com/The-Owl-Lite-Credit-Magnifier/dp/B000COHFP2

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 15:40 | 2456269 Richard Chesler
Richard Chesler's picture

Not only you can tell your friends you "like" them in person, but also how much you hate their guts. Is there anything technology can't do?

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 22:23 | 2457530 Harlequin001
Harlequin001's picture

how about 'meet up with someone and have a genuine conversation'.

What a sad bunch of fucks society has become...

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:27 | 2455670 ihedgemyhedges
ihedgemyhedges's picture

That's what my wife said.  Then I asked her "Who are you on the phone with??????"...................

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:27 | 2455669 salvadordaly
salvadordaly's picture

they do have an app for that, always thinking ahead.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:43 | 2455766 Bollixed
Bollixed's picture

Yes, I've been using the "2 Inches Taller at the Dinner Table" app for some time now. It actually allows me to have a fighting chance at the gravy boat.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:29 | 2455682 TheFourthStooge-ing
TheFourthStooge-ing's picture

Cog Dis asked:

Is there a way to resize the PhoneBook up by 200%?

That's done with the real virtuality glasses, an add-on accessory.

 

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:42 | 2455763 Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance's picture

I prefer my genuine imitation reading glasses. But thanks for the virtual suggestion. :)

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 14:08 | 2455892 SilverIsKing
SilverIsKing's picture

I love that it fits in my pocket.

 

 

Thu, 05/24/2012 - 03:56 | 2457534 Harlequin001
Harlequin001's picture

what, your penis and your hand or just your brain...

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 14:38 | 2456026 Cadavre
Cadavre's picture

old pharts

Glasses? Or, you could carry around a battery powered wide screen TV and port the smart phone display using a USB connection? Hire somebody to read it for you?

Or - invent a snap on smart phone accessory case with a built in magnifier like the ones used by the information ministry in Monty Python's perfectly prescient celluloid prediction of this moment: Brazil.

Android has an app call "Zoom".

Besides: Most old pharts don't do smart phones - ya can't eat `em and they ain't as entertaining as the view out the window and ya can't make money using them. Paid assistants take and make calls for `em.

Anybody here ever research a prospect and then execute a trade on a smart phone? Surprising - most mega corps still use XP!

Read a sci fi novel. A rich guy in it had paint on his hands - in the novel wood was so expensive only the rich could afford it to support their carpentry hobbies. Spotting the "story's" super rich was easy - they were the only ones on the street that did not have a mobil device smashed against their ear.

Back to Phonebook (r): SO WHEN IS THE IPO or is it just another another CIA funded info harvester, like Flopbook (pretty soon our microwave ovens will all be CIA field agent)?

In today's "Nastiest Rock and Roll Tune Ever Category", thanks to link from a neighbor that makes his living producing music: Jeff and Heap's cover of Roll`n and Tumbl`n. (now this sh*t will make you blind).

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 19:49 | 2457095 AGuy
AGuy's picture

Thats how PhoneBook will make it's billions: Selling Eyeglasses to enlarge small print.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 18:09 | 2456819 alchemisteve
alchemisteve's picture

"... your in the same room."  Duke Leto would be so proud.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 20:45 | 2457222 jez
jez's picture

Pah. PhoneBook is old news. I am working on a super-compact wireless hand-held writing device which I have decided to call a "pencil".

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:25 | 2455644 barliman
barliman's picture

 

Pssst .... my son knows one of these guys and has heard this network will even work when the internet is offline !!!!!!111!!!!!!!

THIS is a TRILLION dollar IPO waiting to happen!

barliman

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:54 | 2455831 TheFourthStooge-ing
TheFourthStooge-ing's picture

BUYBUYBUY!!!!!!eleven!!!!

 

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 15:27 | 2456204 Cadavre
Cadavre's picture

My cousin's sister's uncle's daughter best friend says she heard it works, not only without the internet, but without the mobil device or the app!

The IPO man is dry-humping overtime, hot and heavy, any and all diversions to help the muggles forget the Flopbook debacle.

Why isn't CNBC named in the Flopbook NASDAQ filing (forgot they just say what there told to say - but still - does the FCC lease CNBC "OUR" bandwidth to enable them as conspirators in a fraud!

Those flopbook plaintiffs must be born hard again dumb and stuoud trailer park droolers to have fallen for that scam - "GEE I COULDN'T DOUBLE UP IN ONE DAY! - I'm gonna sue for bailout cheese!". Right - just like MF Global paid the haircut back NOT! Should anybody have their contact info - please share - An associate has an "Instant Water (just add water!)" franchise opportunity he'd like to speak with them about. (btw- Didn't "Currently Being Butt Bumped Where the Sun Don't Shine by Billy Joe Bob Bubba", Bernie Madoff, found the NASDAQ?

No wonder Zuck's partner crawled into an Israeli Hidy Hole.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:46 | 2455780 Winston Smith 2009
Winston Smith 2009's picture

Creator - yes, inventor - no.  That was a pair of Harvard twins.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:09 | 2455532 redpill
redpill's picture

The bail bonds ads are always the best.  Speaking of which, is Alex Hope out of jail yet?

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:15 | 2455572 francis_sawyer
francis_sawyer's picture

So as soon as everybody gets back to break even with the Faceplant fiasco, they get to 'diversify' into this one?

~~~

- Cue the next Nasdaq crash

- Cue the lawyers

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:03 | 2455487 Silver Bug
Silver Bug's picture

Valuation of this has to be 20x GOOGLE!

 

http://jamesturkblog.blogspot.ca/

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:04 | 2455496 derek_vineyard
derek_vineyard's picture

off the topic:  did liesman get fired? 

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:10 | 2455539 UP Forester
UP Forester's picture

Don't worry.  Like genital warts, he'll pop up again, probably muttering incoherently about gold and buy the dip and anal probes and stuff....

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:26 | 2455652 Stuck on Zero
Stuck on Zero's picture

Scum always rises to the top.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:10 | 2455542 clones2
clones2's picture

How am I supposed to stalk ex-girlfriends with this "Phonebook"?

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:14 | 2455560 Toxicosis
Toxicosis's picture

I'm sure they'll invent a way.  Stalking never gets old.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:53 | 2455795 hedgeless_horseman
hedgeless_horseman's picture

 

 

Vers 1.0 lists EVERY MAN'S EX-GIRLFRIEND AND HER HOME ADDRESS!  The close-your-eyes-and-point randomizer add-on is also included...free!

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 14:09 | 2455895 Normalcy Bias
Normalcy Bias's picture

HA! That reminds me of the sniper in The Jerk. "Johnson, Navin R... sounds like a typical bastard. "

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 21:02 | 2457267 jumbo maverick
jumbo maverick's picture

The CANS! He's shooting the cans!

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 21:08 | 2457284 Jena
Jena's picture

So much to love in that movie!  The cat juggling, the special purpose...

Thu, 05/24/2012 - 04:21 | 2458130 StychoKiller
StychoKiller's picture

Meh, they only get a restraining order to show how much they luv you! :>D

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:19 | 2455603 fuu
fuu's picture

You'll have to do it the old fashioned way, on foot.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:48 | 2455792 Winston Smith 2009
Winston Smith 2009's picture

"off the topic:  did liesman get fired?"

No, he's on vacation and now providing horrible investment advice and market analyisis to his dog, Sucker.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:04 | 2455497 TheFourthStooge-ing
TheFourthStooge-ing's picture

Phonebook is also completely wireless and can be used continuously for months without requiring a battery recharge. In fact, you're more likely to upgrade to a newer version before ever needing to recharge it.

 

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:09 | 2455530 hedgeless_horseman
hedgeless_horseman's picture

 

 

Free delivery, too!

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:25 | 2455641 Jay Gould Esq.
Jay Gould Esq.'s picture

Wireless, free delivery -- not to mention wholly "green," as PhoneBook is sourced from 100% recycled/post-consumer content fiber.

An ad revenue-driven pure-play. A placement in this IPO will be a lead pipe cinch to make money.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:23 | 2455631 fuu
fuu's picture

You can recycle it when you upgade.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 19:18 | 2457004 Things that go bump
Things that go bump's picture

How retro.  This reminds me of technology I used as a girl.  

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 12:54 | 2455427 veyron
veyron's picture

"PhoneBook will enable friends to play many games as well, such as charades, cards, and a game Fruber believes will be a breakout: Farm"

 

If we gave every farmville user a cent of land and a hoe, we'd solve the obesity and unemployment problems 

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:00 | 2455459 hedgeless_horseman
hedgeless_horseman's picture

 

 

I love to play Farm.  Here is what I won last night...

 

...and it along with some exercise farm does indeed solve the obesity bug associated with other social networking concepts.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:02 | 2455481 duo
duo's picture

Is that GMO corn?

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:06 | 2455511 hedgeless_horseman
hedgeless_horseman's picture

 

 

No, but you can try the very popular Drive-Thru or Ready-To-Eat-TV-Dinner social networking concepts to get that. 

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:11 | 2455546 francis_sawyer
francis_sawyer's picture

 “In Farm, you have an actual farm where you raise real crops and livestock"

~~~

Yeah, but in this neo-techfucks world, you get to eat your iPhone (how 'cool' is that)...

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:27 | 2455667 johnQpublic
johnQpublic's picture

seems to me the game of the moment is 'animal farm'

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 19:20 | 2457009 Things that go bump
Things that go bump's picture

I hate that game.  I never ge to be the one who is more equal than others.  

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 21:10 | 2457299 Jena
Jena's picture

Oh, here you do, based on the avatar alone.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:06 | 2455512 redpill
redpill's picture

Yes, stands for "Got My Own"

 

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:06 | 2455499 drink or die
drink or die's picture

That appears to be raw milk.  A swat team has been dispatched to your location.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:14 | 2455569 Joshua_D
Joshua_D's picture

Don't worry. I'm sure that milk is only for animal consumption.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:25 | 2455629 hedgeless_horseman
hedgeless_horseman's picture

 

 

It is only illegal if we sell it, but then the consequences are indeed quite severe.

Raw milk is dangerous!  Why, it's caused our kids to grow up tall, lean, and strong...and they rarely get sick. 

The government must protect all poor unintelligent dolts that might mistakenly think their kids deserve something better than processed milk from a commercial dairy.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:28 | 2455674 Joshua_D
Joshua_D's picture

It's not the raw milk that bothers me. It's those dangerous Amish farmers and hippies! They must be stopped! At. All. Costs!

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 14:00 | 2455855 Lux Fiat
Lux Fiat's picture

Joint ownership of "Bluebonnet" has worked out well (so far) for an aunt and a few friends.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 19:22 | 2457015 Things that go bump
Things that go bump's picture

Yes, it is all fun and games until someone gets ungulant fever or TB and then it is off to buy pasturizing equipment.  

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:07 | 2455517 AlaricBalth
AlaricBalth's picture

hh, Is that real home grown food? And a dinner table where people have face to face interaction? Gee, that is so retro. You should charge admission. 

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:17 | 2455587 Piranhanoia
Piranhanoia's picture

We will all get there soon, because there will be fewer meals.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:41 | 2455754 hedgeless_horseman
hedgeless_horseman's picture

 

 

Is that real home grown food? And a dinner table where people have face to face interaction? Gee, that is so retro.

We even give thanks to God before every meal.  Crazy, huh?

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:56 | 2455839 Wannabee
Wannabee's picture

Plus 1 for giving thanks.
Quick question: knives go on the right or left? I always forget....

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 14:04 | 2455879 Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance's picture

Fork(s) on left, knives and spoon on right

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 22:29 | 2457545 Harlequin001
Harlequin001's picture

and the iPod goes...

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 14:03 | 2455843 Temporalist
Temporalist's picture

I don't think Lord Blankfiend is listed in PhoneBook.  Oh, wait, you mean his "boss."

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 14:02 | 2455868 Coke and Hookers
Coke and Hookers's picture

Home grown, raw milk, real food, thanks to God - seems to me you are flirting with domestic terrorism.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:07 | 2455522 WillyGroper
WillyGroper's picture

I'm envious!

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:18 | 2455593 Dingleberry
Dingleberry's picture

Got any spare leftovers? 

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:21 | 2455617 fuu
fuu's picture

Yay freezer camp!

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:22 | 2455619 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

It's funny how many gardens I see popping up around town. People who had nice yards are now planting gardens.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:26 | 2455633 Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance's picture

Count Mrs. Cog and I in that rising tide of grass converters. :)

It's a Miracle (Grow).

Actually it's all Mrs. Cog's doing. I just hang around and beg for radishes.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:27 | 2455658 hedgeless_horseman
hedgeless_horseman's picture

 

 

It makes me very happy to hear that, CD.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:33 | 2455698 Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance's picture

Mrs. Cog has my number. Every time she wants me to expand the garden instead of promising me nookie she just promises me another row of radishes.

When you get old you get easy. :)

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:44 | 2455770 TheFourthStooge-ing
TheFourthStooge-ing's picture

If you grow squash, plant your radishes around them, as they can keep your squash from being decimated by stem borers.

 

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:50 | 2455811 Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance's picture

Mrs. Cog. Did you see this?

More radishes Mrs. Cog.

Please?

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 21:50 | 2457439 Papasmurf
Papasmurf's picture

What do you use if you're planting bankers?

Thu, 05/24/2012 - 09:53 | 2458602 tonyw
tonyw's picture

squash because they will attract stem borers whatever they might be, but i am visualising some flesh eating grub:-)

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:32 | 2455701 francis_sawyer
francis_sawyer's picture

You can learn a lot from Michele Obama...

She's gotten so good at it that she's learned how to actually harvest okra crops grown in the White House garden, put them into little fancy jars, & wrap them in Tiffany boxes to give to the wives of foreign dignitaries, during the exact time that she's vacationing in the Alhambra, Spain...

That's some advanced gardening skills there...

Part II is where she teaches you how to turn the okra into french fries & serve 'em for school lunches!

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:31 | 2455693 fuu
fuu's picture

You are too modest, you build things with studs as well.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:41 | 2455755 TheFourthStooge-ing
TheFourthStooge-ing's picture

Cog Dis said:

Count Mrs. Cog and I in that rising tide of grass converters. :)

I only garden out of sheer laziness. Every raised bed that goes in means less lawn to mow, and walking into the back yard is easier and quicker than going to the grocery store.

I'm feeling pretty lazy today, so I'll be doing some more planting this afternoon.

Just another example of the old saying, "hard work eventually pays off sometimes, but laziness always pays off now."

 

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 14:11 | 2455797 Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance's picture

I thought I was gonna win in the grass cutting department when Mrs. Cog demanded asked me to put in the garden. But between the raised beds and the ten thousand pots I now spend hours and hours on the string trimmer. (playful lie)

Now she wants a patio block walk way down to the garden so she doesn't get her painted beautiful toe nails wet when she tends to the garden in the morning. (Grumble grumble) (another playful lie)

Yes dear. I'm coming. Just shooting the shit on ZH. (truth)

:>)

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:50 | 2455801 Winston Smith 2009
Winston Smith 2009's picture

Are you eating your horse?

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:57 | 2455841 hedgeless_horseman
hedgeless_horseman's picture

 

 

Naaaaayyyy.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:55 | 2455835 bankruptcylawyer
bankruptcylawyer's picture

nice dishes. nice. 

 

but MILK!?!?@?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?WFWUT!?!?!?!??!

who drinks milks with dinner? i mean , cheese on your steak ok i get that. miiiiiiiik!!?!?!?!?!?!

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 16:31 | 2456500 krispkritter
krispkritter's picture

DinnerBook! It's what's for er, dinner! 

 

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 12:55 | 2455430 Confused
Confused's picture

Ugh. Weren't Americans about innovation at some point?

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:05 | 2455501 Doubleguns
Doubleguns's picture

Yep, soon we will add yellow pages to the phone book.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 12:55 | 2455432 ghengis86
ghengis86's picture

Where do I sign up to buy into the upcoming IPO???!?!?

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 12:55 | 2455436 Ellesmere
Ellesmere's picture

Charades....what's that?

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:01 | 2455477 FL_Conservative
FL_Conservative's picture

It's a game that our elected officials have perfected.........

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 15:56 | 2456343 DosZap
DosZap's picture

Charades....what's that?

What we are living.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 12:55 | 2455439 Mr Lennon Hendrix
Mr Lennon Hendrix's picture

hahaha

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 12:56 | 2455442 hustler etiquette
hustler etiquette's picture

Now that's class

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 12:56 | 2455444 insanelysane
insanelysane's picture

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and think that PhoneBook is either already trademarked or not trademarkable.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:01 | 2455476 bdc63
bdc63's picture

oh my ...

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 12:57 | 2455450 Sisyphus
Sisyphus's picture

Breaking news
Facebook unfriends Facebook to friend Phonebook

On a telephonic interview, Facebook founder said:
"Whoaaa!!! Duuuuddee!!! That's so cool."

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:06 | 2455507 resurger
resurger's picture

i deactivated my 2008 account today for good, deleted all my photos, albums ..(although they are still on the CIA servers)

 

 

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 16:55 | 2456579 Jason_1sandal
Jason_1sandal's picture

You can actually delete your account forever. It's about 5 clicks into the help section. You are given 2 weeks to reinstate your account with everything intact. After that you are gone for good (cia may still have account info though). After I did it I got no more ads on ZH !! and about 2/3 less spam in my email YAY !!!!! :>)

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 12:58 | 2455451 resurger
resurger's picture

yup! that's the new shit ...

5 Soaps

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 12:58 | 2455452 El Viejo
El Viejo's picture

Is it Friday already??

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:03 | 2455486 john39
john39's picture

depends on whether you are employed.  if not, every day is friday.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 12:59 | 2455456 fireangelmaverick
fireangelmaverick's picture

In related news Morgan Stanley agreed to raise $50 Billion for a 10 % stake in the PHONEBOOK company valuing them at $500 billion.

"Apple which actually makes a small % of all phones on the market has a capitalization of close $500 billion. But Apple phones are useless without actual numbers to call. I mean seriously "Who u gonna call?... ". said their chief research analyst.

 

 

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:37 | 2455725 Karl von Bahnhof
Karl von Bahnhof's picture

Newsflash.
Facebook inc. (FB) announced today long awaited mobile solution. In reaction to current market trends we are redy to provide our users with a printed copy of all their postings... CEO said on friday.

"This is extremely smart move, giving current and especially future shareholders extreme advantage in rapidly growing social business" analysts from M-organ stanley said.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 12:58 | 2455460 john milton
john milton's picture

have you not played anry birds..?? loaded up more than billion, so must worth more than ...????

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:00 | 2455461 Mercury
Mercury's picture

This is fantastic!

I can talk to girls with my mouth again!

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 12:59 | 2455466 ZeroPower
ZeroPower's picture

Uh...Is there an app for that?

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 12:59 | 2455467 FLUSA.com
FLUSA.com's picture

When is the IPO?

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 12:59 | 2455468 Mudja
Mudja's picture

I heard Yellow Pages is thinking about an acquisition ;-)

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:27 | 2455663 cougar_w
cougar_w's picture

Yellow Pages

Such an unfortunate name.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:00 | 2455471 postafoa02
postafoa02's picture

it won't work without electricity for your brain

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:50 | 2455809 Winston Smith 2009
Winston Smith 2009's picture

What is "brain"?

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:00 | 2455473 I am a Man I am...
I am a Man I am Forty's picture

dumb

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:07 | 2455518 HoofHearted
HoofHearted's picture

Yes you are, but we won't hold that against you....too much.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:11 | 2455545 I am a Man I am...
I am a Man I am Forty's picture

Fuck, you people are easily amused.  

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:17 | 2455588 resurger
resurger's picture

nice orange, in which cell you are in? I would like to visit

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:20 | 2455604 TheFourthStooge-ing
TheFourthStooge-ing's picture

I am a Man I am Forty said:

Fuck, you people are easily amused.

You mean you're not even trying?

 

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 17:50 | 2456761 TWSceptic
TWSceptic's picture

Seems that you are easily depressed. I feel sorry for you man.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:01 | 2455475 Everybodys All ...
Everybodys All American's picture

I'm awe in and can't wait for the IPO.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:02 | 2455485 azzhatter
azzhatter's picture

Soon we will have FuckBook or PornBook- all the people you would like to do on a site you can share with all your friends

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:27 | 2455664 francis_sawyer
francis_sawyer's picture

No shit...

Enough of these sophmoric creations... What I want to know is who the fuck is working on the virtual reality 'have sex with a supermodel' device...

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:51 | 2455815 Winston Smith 2009
Winston Smith 2009's picture

Working... on it... right... now...

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 21:55 | 2457452 Papasmurf
Papasmurf's picture

First model, resembling Rosie O'Donnell will be out in June.  It will have a faceplant thumbs up button.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:03 | 2455488 stoverny
stoverny's picture

what will they think of next

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:03 | 2455489 thebigmozey
thebigmozey's picture

  Wow - is this a publicly traded company?

  They got stock I can buy.

  What a unique concept - why didn't some one think of this before.

  This is going to be a blockbuster!

  (Yes, sarcaasm intended)

  Cheers

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:07 | 2455516 Karl von Bahnhof
Karl von Bahnhof's picture

No one, I say no one can see this coming

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:04 | 2455493 Doubleguns
Doubleguns's picture

Reminds me of the girl that got a wind up watch. It doesn't need batteries. She said what will they thing of next.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:06 | 2455505 walküre
walküre's picture

Then this from Morgan Stanley

Morgan Stanley: If Clients Overpaid For Facebook Shares, They Will Get An Adjustment

ROFML

The horror, the injustice! Investors overpaid for a stock! MS is done. They've lost all credibility. You can't play this rigged game and pretend you're doing the right thing. That's like the crook who has a weekly confession to get absolution from his crimes.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:12 | 2455554 WillyGroper
WillyGroper's picture

Or fooking for virginity.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:16 | 2455580 junkyardjack
junkyardjack's picture

Local couple Matt and Wendy Ratliff told reporters Tuesday that they have been steadily building up a nest egg of debt to make sure that they always had something tucked away to owe banks and creditors no matter what the future held...

http://www.theonion.com/articles/couple-has-nest-egg-of-debt-to-make-sure-theyve-go,28277/

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:28 | 2455668 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

WTF? If you're stupid enough to put a bid in on the piece of shit then you get what you deserve. I'll tell you what MS can I open an options account? And everytime my trade goes south can you adjust my account to make me whole? Anybody who participates in this mad house is an idiot.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:41 | 2455758 walküre
walküre's picture

FB IPO is going full circle with an inquisition by the US Senate.

MS must have burned the wrong guys on this one.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:47 | 2455783 eclectic syncretist
eclectic syncretist's picture

Re:

Morgan Stanley: If Clients Overpaid For Facebook Shares, They Will Get An Adjustment

 

Translation: Good luck getting the Justice Dept., SEC, or FBI to come up with any charges that are going to stick (since the lawmakers are our puppets), and even if there is a judgement against us, rest assured that we'll only be required to return pennies on the dollar of what we stold.  Don't you know how the game works yet??!!!!

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 14:23 | 2455956 Badabing
Badabing's picture

not unless Morgan Stanley jammed the SEC with FB

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:06 | 2455510 UTICA CLUB XX PURE
UTICA CLUB XX PURE's picture

The milk...

It looks funny...

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:23 | 2455632 Big Corked Boots
Big Corked Boots's picture

Not as funny as Utica Club.

Although, someone used PhoneBook to invite me over for Genesee Cream Ale. I may have to unfriend them.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:08 | 2455526 Downtoolong
Downtoolong's picture

I'm so glad  Ididn't have a mouth full of beer when I started reading this.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:08 | 2455527 New England Patriot
New England Patriot's picture

Reality has the best graphics, UI.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:09 | 2455533 hidingfromhelis
hidingfromhelis's picture

Whoa!  This thing sounds way too real.  It's going to be a threat to someone.  

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:09 | 2455534 FieldingMellish
FieldingMellish's picture

This is bullish! BTFD.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:10 | 2455544 skepticCarl
skepticCarl's picture

This kind of social interaction will be problematical for post boomers.  For instance, how does one lol?  Does one have to exhale forcefully and sporadically through one's vocal chords to make an audible sound?  How does one express emotions properly, without emoticons?

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:23 | 2455635 TheFourthStooge-ing
TheFourthStooge-ing's picture

.

How does one express emotions properly, without emoticons?

It involves display of the genitals or buttocks.

 

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:25 | 2455645 cougar_w
cougar_w's picture

What are these "genitals" of which you speak?

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:49 | 2455800 TheFourthStooge-ing
TheFourthStooge-ing's picture

They're those things for which the internet was invented.

 

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:13 | 2455558 blunderdog
blunderdog's picture

I don't see how you're going to make money on this one. 

I already get a competitor's version of this for free on my doorstep every once in awhile.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:15 | 2455574 junkyardjack
junkyardjack's picture

You don't need revenue to be a public company.  Go back to sleep Rip Van Winkle, the 50s have passed.  Where can I invest in this?...

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