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Borowitz Does It Again: Introducing PhoneBook
It just never gets old...
From Andy Borowitz
Introducing the Hot New Social Network, PhoneBook
SILICON VALLEY (The Borowitz Report) – A new social network is about to alter the playing field of the social media world, and it’s called PhoneBook.
According to its creators, who invented the network in their dorm room at Berkeley, PhoneBook is the game-changer that will leave Facebook, Twitter and even the much anticipated Google Buzz in a cloud of dust.
“With PhoneBook, you have a book that has a list of all your friends in the city, plus everyone else who lives there,” says Danny Fruber, one of PhoneBook’s creators.
“When you want to chat with a friend, you look them up in PhoneBook, and find their unique PhoneBook number,” Fruber explains. “Then you enter that number into your phone and it connects you directly to them.”
Another breakout utility of PhoneBook allows the user to arrange face-to-face meetings with his or her friends at restaurants, bars, and other “places,” as Fruber calls them.
“You will be sitting right across from your friend and seeing them in 3-D,” he said. “It’s like Skype, only without the headset.”
PhoneBook will enable friends to play many games as well, such as charades, cards, and a game Fruber believes will be a breakout: Farm.
“In Farm, you have an actual farm where you raise real crops and livestock,” he says. “It’s hard work, but it’s more fun than Mafia, where you actually get killed.”
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let your fingers do the walking ....
The only rational IPO valuation for a PhoneBook company is $200 Billion, roughly $100 Billion more than that out of date Face thingy. When can I buy into this POS?
am buying! The creator of this is not a Harvard graduate right?
I hope not. For maximum street cred in the Silicon Valley you are allowed to attend an Ivy League school but it's essential that you dropped out prior to graduation.
I have been beta testing this since I deleted faceplant and I can tell you the GUI is AMAZING not to mention the audio sampling rates and video quality on the face to face feature is superb, it's like your in the same room. A very well thought out and intuitive piece of software.
I don't know about that. For us old pharts the font is way too small.
Is there a way to resize the PhoneBook up by 200%?
get it wet
@CD Currently there is not a lot of customization in the font sizes but the platform is open source which allows you to copy and replicate the data into your own custom phonebook application. I have added a feature request (FR#GLASSES) just incase you are unfamiliar with the open source aspect.
"I have added a feature request (FR#GLASSES) just incase you are unfamiliar with the open source aspect."
Up till now I've been using ground down Coke™ bottle bottoms to see The PhoneBook. But this morning Mrs. Cog told me that I can purchase an upgrade at any pharmacy counter.
Will wonders never cease?
There is a third party app for magnification called OWL:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Owl-Lite-Credit-Magnifier/dp/B000COHFP2
Not only you can tell your friends you "like" them in person, but also how much you hate their guts. Is there anything technology can't do?
how about 'meet up with someone and have a genuine conversation'.
What a sad bunch of fucks society has become...
That's what my wife said. Then I asked her "Who are you on the phone with??????"...................
they do have an app for that, always thinking ahead.
Yes, I've been using the "2 Inches Taller at the Dinner Table" app for some time now. It actually allows me to have a fighting chance at the gravy boat.
Cog Dis asked:
That's done with the real virtuality glasses, an add-on accessory.
I prefer my genuine imitation reading glasses. But thanks for the virtual suggestion. :)
I love that it fits in my pocket.
what, your penis and your hand or just your brain...
old pharts
Glasses? Or, you could carry around a battery powered wide screen TV and port the smart phone display using a USB connection? Hire somebody to read it for you?
Or - invent a snap on smart phone accessory case with a built in magnifier like the ones used by the information ministry in Monty Python's perfectly prescient celluloid prediction of this moment: Brazil.
Android has an app call "Zoom".
Besides: Most old pharts don't do smart phones - ya can't eat `em and they ain't as entertaining as the view out the window and ya can't make money using them. Paid assistants take and make calls for `em.
Anybody here ever research a prospect and then execute a trade on a smart phone? Surprising - most mega corps still use XP!
Read a sci fi novel. A rich guy in it had paint on his hands - in the novel wood was so expensive only the rich could afford it to support their carpentry hobbies. Spotting the "story's" super rich was easy - they were the only ones on the street that did not have a mobil device smashed against their ear.
Back to Phonebook (r): SO WHEN IS THE IPO or is it just another another CIA funded info harvester, like Flopbook (pretty soon our microwave ovens will all be CIA field agent)?
In today's "Nastiest Rock and Roll Tune Ever Category", thanks to link from a neighbor that makes his living producing music: Jeff and Heap's cover of Roll`n and Tumbl`n. (now this sh*t will make you blind).
Thats how PhoneBook will make it's billions: Selling Eyeglasses to enlarge small print.
"... your in the same room." Duke Leto would be so proud.
Pah. PhoneBook is old news. I am working on a super-compact wireless hand-held writing device which I have decided to call a "pencil".
Pssst .... my son knows one of these guys and has heard this network will even work when the internet is offline !!!!!!111!!!!!!!
THIS is a TRILLION dollar IPO waiting to happen!
barliman
BUYBUYBUY!!!!!!eleven!!!!
My cousin's sister's uncle's daughter best friend says she heard it works, not only without the internet, but without the mobil device or the app!
The IPO man is dry-humping overtime, hot and heavy, any and all diversions to help the muggles forget the Flopbook debacle.
Why isn't CNBC named in the Flopbook NASDAQ filing (forgot they just say what there told to say - but still - does the FCC lease CNBC "OUR" bandwidth to enable them as conspirators in a fraud!
Those flopbook plaintiffs must be born hard again dumb and stuoud trailer park droolers to have fallen for that scam - "GEE I COULDN'T DOUBLE UP IN ONE DAY! - I'm gonna sue for bailout cheese!". Right - just like MF Global paid the haircut back NOT! Should anybody have their contact info - please share - An associate has an "Instant Water (just add water!)" franchise opportunity he'd like to speak with them about. (btw- Didn't "Currently Being Butt Bumped Where the Sun Don't Shine by Billy Joe Bob Bubba", Bernie Madoff, found the NASDAQ?
No wonder Zuck's partner crawled into an Israeli Hidy Hole.
Creator - yes, inventor - no. That was a pair of Harvard twins.
The bail bonds ads are always the best. Speaking of which, is Alex Hope out of jail yet?
So as soon as everybody gets back to break even with the Faceplant fiasco, they get to 'diversify' into this one?
~~~
- Cue the next Nasdaq crash
- Cue the lawyers
Valuation of this has to be 20x GOOGLE!
http://jamesturkblog.blogspot.ca/
off the topic: did liesman get fired?
Don't worry. Like genital warts, he'll pop up again, probably muttering incoherently about gold and buy the dip and anal probes and stuff....
Scum always rises to the top.
How am I supposed to stalk ex-girlfriends with this "Phonebook"?
I'm sure they'll invent a way. Stalking never gets old.
Vers 1.0 lists EVERY MAN'S EX-GIRLFRIEND AND HER HOME ADDRESS! The close-your-eyes-and-point randomizer add-on is also included...free!
HA! That reminds me of the sniper in The Jerk. "Johnson, Navin R... sounds like a typical bastard. "
The CANS! He's shooting the cans!
So much to love in that movie! The cat juggling, the special purpose...
Meh, they only get a restraining order to show how much they luv you! :>D
You'll have to do it the old fashioned way, on foot.
"off the topic: did liesman get fired?"
No, he's on vacation and now providing horrible investment advice and market analyisis to his dog, Sucker.
Phonebook is also completely wireless and can be used continuously for months without requiring a battery recharge. In fact, you're more likely to upgrade to a newer version before ever needing to recharge it.
Free delivery, too!
Wireless, free delivery -- not to mention wholly "green," as PhoneBook is sourced from 100% recycled/post-consumer content fiber.
An ad revenue-driven pure-play. A placement in this IPO will be a lead pipe cinch to make money.
You can recycle it when you upgade.
How retro. This reminds me of technology I used as a girl.
"PhoneBook will enable friends to play many games as well, such as charades, cards, and a game Fruber believes will be a breakout: Farm"
If we gave every farmville user a cent of land and a hoe, we'd solve the obesity and unemployment problems
I love to play Farm. Here is what I won last night...
...and it along with some exercise farm does indeed solve the obesity bug associated with other social networking concepts.
Is that GMO corn?
No, but you can try the very popular Drive-Thru or Ready-To-Eat-TV-Dinner social networking concepts to get that.
“In Farm, you have an actual farm where you raise real crops and livestock"
~~~
Yeah, but in this neo-techfucks world, you get to eat your iPhone (how 'cool' is that)...
seems to me the game of the moment is 'animal farm'
I hate that game. I never ge to be the one who is more equal than others.
Oh, here you do, based on the avatar alone.
Yes, stands for "Got My Own"
That appears to be raw milk. A swat team has been dispatched to your location.
Don't worry. I'm sure that milk is only for animal consumption.
It is only illegal if we sell it, but then the consequences are indeed quite severe.
Raw milk is dangerous! Why, it's caused our kids to grow up tall, lean, and strong...and they rarely get sick.
The government must protect all poor unintelligent dolts that might mistakenly think their kids deserve something better than processed milk from a commercial dairy.
It's not the raw milk that bothers me. It's those dangerous Amish farmers and hippies! They must be stopped! At. All. Costs!
Joint ownership of "Bluebonnet" has worked out well (so far) for an aunt and a few friends.
Yes, it is all fun and games until someone gets ungulant fever or TB and then it is off to buy pasturizing equipment.
hh, Is that real home grown food? And a dinner table where people have face to face interaction? Gee, that is so retro. You should charge admission.
We will all get there soon, because there will be fewer meals.
We even give thanks to God before every meal. Crazy, huh?
Plus 1 for giving thanks.
Quick question: knives go on the right or left? I always forget....
http://table.ezinemark.com/miss-manners-in-table-settings-1d80c44f8a1.html
Fork(s) on left, knives and spoon on right
and the iPod goes...
I don't think Lord Blankfiend is listed in PhoneBook. Oh, wait, you mean his "boss."
Home grown, raw milk, real food, thanks to God - seems to me you are flirting with domestic terrorism.
I'm envious!
Got any spare leftovers?
Yay freezer camp!
It's funny how many gardens I see popping up around town. People who had nice yards are now planting gardens.
Count Mrs. Cog and I in that rising tide of grass converters. :)
It's a Miracle (Grow).
Actually it's all Mrs. Cog's doing. I just hang around and beg for radishes.
It makes me very happy to hear that, CD.
Mrs. Cog has my number. Every time she wants me to expand the garden instead of promising me nookie she just promises me another row of radishes.
When you get old you get easy. :)
If you grow squash, plant your radishes around them, as they can keep your squash from being decimated by stem borers.
Mrs. Cog. Did you see this?
More radishes Mrs. Cog.
Please?
What do you use if you're planting bankers?
squash because they will attract stem borers whatever they might be, but i am visualising some flesh eating grub:-)
You can learn a lot from Michele Obama...
She's gotten so good at it that she's learned how to actually harvest okra crops grown in the White House garden, put them into little fancy jars, & wrap them in Tiffany boxes to give to the wives of foreign dignitaries, during the exact time that she's vacationing in the Alhambra, Spain...
That's some advanced gardening skills there...
Part II is where she teaches you how to turn the okra into french fries & serve 'em for school lunches!
You are too modest, you build things with studs as well.
Cog Dis said:
I only garden out of sheer laziness. Every raised bed that goes in means less lawn to mow, and walking into the back yard is easier and quicker than going to the grocery store.
I'm feeling pretty lazy today, so I'll be doing some more planting this afternoon.
Just another example of the old saying, "hard work eventually pays off sometimes, but laziness always pays off now."
I thought I was gonna win in the grass cutting department when Mrs. Cog demanded asked me to put in the garden. But between the raised beds and the ten thousand pots I now spend hours and hours on the string trimmer. (playful lie)
Now she wants a patio block walk way down to the garden so she doesn't get her painted beautiful toe nails wet when she tends to the garden in the morning. (Grumble grumble) (another playful lie)
Yes dear. I'm coming. Just shooting the shit on ZH. (truth)
:>)
Are you eating your horse?
Naaaaayyyy.
nice dishes. nice.
but MILK!?!?@?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?WFWUT!?!?!?!??!
who drinks milks with dinner? i mean , cheese on your steak ok i get that. miiiiiiiik!!?!?!?!?!?!
DinnerBook! It's what's for er, dinner!
Ugh. Weren't Americans about innovation at some point?
Yep, soon we will add yellow pages to the phone book.
Where do I sign up to buy into the upcoming IPO???!?!?
Charades....what's that?
It's a game that our elected officials have perfected.........
Charades....what's that?
What we are living.
hahaha
Now that's class
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and think that PhoneBook is either already trademarked or not trademarkable.
oh my ...
Breaking news
Facebook unfriends Facebook to friend Phonebook
On a telephonic interview, Facebook founder said:
"Whoaaa!!! Duuuuddee!!! That's so cool."
i deactivated my 2008 account today for good, deleted all my photos, albums ..(although they are still on the CIA servers)
You can actually delete your account forever. It's about 5 clicks into the help section. You are given 2 weeks to reinstate your account with everything intact. After that you are gone for good (cia may still have account info though). After I did it I got no more ads on ZH !! and about 2/3 less spam in my email YAY !!!!! :>)
yup! that's the new shit ...
5 Soaps
Is it Friday already??
depends on whether you are employed. if not, every day is friday.
In related news Morgan Stanley agreed to raise $50 Billion for a 10 % stake in the PHONEBOOK company valuing them at $500 billion.
"Apple which actually makes a small % of all phones on the market has a capitalization of close $500 billion. But Apple phones are useless without actual numbers to call. I mean seriously "Who u gonna call?... ". said their chief research analyst.
Newsflash.
Facebook inc. (FB) announced today long awaited mobile solution. In reaction to current market trends we are redy to provide our users with a printed copy of all their postings... CEO said on friday.
"This is extremely smart move, giving current and especially future shareholders extreme advantage in rapidly growing social business" analysts from M-organ stanley said.
have you not played anry birds..?? loaded up more than billion, so must worth more than ...????
This is fantastic!
I can talk to girls with my mouth again!
Uh...Is there an app for that?
When is the IPO?
I heard Yellow Pages is thinking about an acquisition ;-)
Yellow Pages
Such an unfortunate name.
it won't work without electricity for your brain
What is "brain"?
dumb
Yes you are, but we won't hold that against you....too much.
Fuck, you people are easily amused.
nice orange, in which cell you are in? I would like to visit
I am a Man I am Forty said:
You mean you're not even trying?
Seems that you are easily depressed. I feel sorry for you man.
I'm awe in and can't wait for the IPO.
Soon we will have FuckBook or PornBook- all the people you would like to do on a site you can share with all your friends
No shit...
Enough of these sophmoric creations... What I want to know is who the fuck is working on the virtual reality 'have sex with a supermodel' device...
Working... on it... right... now...
First model, resembling Rosie O'Donnell will be out in June. It will have a faceplant thumbs up button.
what will they think of next
Wow - is this a publicly traded company?
They got stock I can buy.
What a unique concept - why didn't some one think of this before.
This is going to be a blockbuster!
(Yes, sarcaasm intended)
Cheers
No one, I say no one can see this coming
Reminds me of the girl that got a wind up watch. It doesn't need batteries. She said what will they thing of next.
Then this from Morgan Stanley
Morgan Stanley: If Clients Overpaid For Facebook Shares, They Will Get An AdjustmentROFML
The horror, the injustice! Investors overpaid for a stock! MS is done. They've lost all credibility. You can't play this rigged game and pretend you're doing the right thing. That's like the crook who has a weekly confession to get absolution from his crimes.
Or fooking for virginity.
Local couple Matt and Wendy Ratliff told reporters Tuesday that they have been steadily building up a nest egg of debt to make sure that they always had something tucked away to owe banks and creditors no matter what the future held...
http://www.theonion.com/articles/couple-has-nest-egg-of-debt-to-make-sure-theyve-go,28277/
WTF? If you're stupid enough to put a bid in on the piece of shit then you get what you deserve. I'll tell you what MS can I open an options account? And everytime my trade goes south can you adjust my account to make me whole? Anybody who participates in this mad house is an idiot.
FB IPO is going full circle with an inquisition by the US Senate.
MS must have burned the wrong guys on this one.
Re:
Morgan Stanley: If Clients Overpaid For Facebook Shares, They Will Get An Adjustment
Translation: Good luck getting the Justice Dept., SEC, or FBI to come up with any charges that are going to stick (since the lawmakers are our puppets), and even if there is a judgement against us, rest assured that we'll only be required to return pennies on the dollar of what we stold. Don't you know how the game works yet??!!!!
not unless Morgan Stanley jammed the SEC with FB
The milk...
It looks funny...
Not as funny as Utica Club.
Although, someone used PhoneBook to invite me over for Genesee Cream Ale. I may have to unfriend them.
I'm so glad Ididn't have a mouth full of beer when I started reading this.
Reality has the best graphics, UI.
Whoa! This thing sounds way too real. It's going to be a threat to someone.
This is bullish! BTFD.
This kind of social interaction will be problematical for post boomers. For instance, how does one lol? Does one have to exhale forcefully and sporadically through one's vocal chords to make an audible sound? How does one express emotions properly, without emoticons?
.
It involves display of the genitals or buttocks.
What are these "genitals" of which you speak?
They're those things for which the internet was invented.
I don't see how you're going to make money on this one.
I already get a competitor's version of this for free on my doorstep every once in awhile.
You don't need revenue to be a public company. Go back to sleep Rip Van Winkle, the 50s have passed. Where can I invest in this?...