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Borowitz Does It Again: Introducing PhoneBook

Tyler Durden's picture


It just never gets old...

From Andy Borowitz

Introducing the Hot New Social Network, PhoneBook

SILICON VALLEY (The Borowitz Report) – A new social network is about to alter the playing field of the social media world, and it’s called PhoneBook.

According to its creators, who invented the network in their dorm room at Berkeley, PhoneBook is the game-changer that will leave Facebook, Twitter and even the much anticipated Google Buzz in a cloud of dust.

“With PhoneBook, you have a book that has a list of all your friends in the city, plus everyone else who lives there,” says Danny Fruber, one of PhoneBook’s creators.

“When you want to chat with a friend, you look them up in PhoneBook, and find their unique PhoneBook number,” Fruber explains.  “Then you enter that number into your phone and it connects you directly to them.”

Another breakout utility of PhoneBook allows the user to arrange face-to-face meetings with his or her friends at restaurants, bars, and other “places,” as Fruber calls them.

“You will be sitting right across from your friend and seeing them in 3-D,” he said.  “It’s like Skype, only without the headset.”

PhoneBook will enable friends to play many games as well, such as charades, cards, and a game Fruber believes will be a breakout: Farm.

“In Farm, you have an actual farm where you raise real crops and livestock,” he says.  “It’s hard work, but it’s more fun than Mafia, where you actually get killed.”

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Wed, 05/23/2012 - 12:54 | 2455423 bdc63
bdc63's picture

let your fingers do the walking ....

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:01 | 2455470 nope-1004
nope-1004's picture

The only rational IPO valuation for a PhoneBook company is $200 Billion, roughly $100 Billion more than that out of date Face thingy.  When can I buy into this POS?


Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:09 | 2455529 resurger
resurger's picture

am buying! The creator of this is not a Harvard graduate right?

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:11 | 2455548 redpill
redpill's picture

I hope not.  For maximum street cred in the Silicon Valley you are allowed to attend an Ivy League school but it's essential that you dropped out prior to graduation.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:18 | 2455551 Paul Atreides
Paul Atreides's picture

I have been beta testing this since I deleted faceplant and I can tell you the GUI is AMAZING not to mention the audio sampling rates and video quality on the face to face feature is superb, it's like your in the same room. A very well thought out and intuitive piece of software.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:21 | 2455623 Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance's picture

I don't know about that. For us old pharts the font is way too small.

Is there a way to resize the PhoneBook up by 200%?

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:25 | 2455642 johnQpublic
johnQpublic's picture

get it wet

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:28 | 2455666 Paul Atreides
Paul Atreides's picture

@CD Currently there is not a lot of customization in the font sizes but the platform is open source which allows you to copy and replicate the data into your own custom phonebook application. I have added a feature request (FR#GLASSES) just incase you are unfamiliar with the open source aspect.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:41 | 2455747 Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance's picture

"I have added a feature request (FR#GLASSES) just incase you are unfamiliar with the open source aspect."

Up till now I've been using ground down Coke™ bottle bottoms to see The PhoneBook. But this morning Mrs. Cog told me that I can purchase an upgrade at any pharmacy counter.

Will wonders never cease?

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:54 | 2455832 Temporalist
Temporalist's picture

There is a third party app for magnification called OWL:


Wed, 05/23/2012 - 15:40 | 2456269 Richard Chesler
Richard Chesler's picture

Not only you can tell your friends you "like" them in person, but also how much you hate their guts. Is there anything technology can't do?

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 22:23 | 2457530 Harlequin001
Harlequin001's picture

how about 'meet up with someone and have a genuine conversation'.

What a sad bunch of fucks society has become...

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:27 | 2455670 ihedgemyhedges
ihedgemyhedges's picture

That's what my wife said.  Then I asked her "Who are you on the phone with??????"...................

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:27 | 2455669 salvadordaly
salvadordaly's picture

they do have an app for that, always thinking ahead.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:43 | 2455766 Bollixed
Bollixed's picture

Yes, I've been using the "2 Inches Taller at the Dinner Table" app for some time now. It actually allows me to have a fighting chance at the gravy boat.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:29 | 2455682 TheFourthStooge-ing
TheFourthStooge-ing's picture

Cog Dis asked:

Is there a way to resize the PhoneBook up by 200%?

That's done with the real virtuality glasses, an add-on accessory.


Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:42 | 2455763 Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance's picture

I prefer my genuine imitation reading glasses. But thanks for the virtual suggestion. :)

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 14:08 | 2455892 SilverIsKing
SilverIsKing's picture

I love that it fits in my pocket.



Thu, 05/24/2012 - 03:56 | 2457534 Harlequin001
Harlequin001's picture

what, your penis and your hand or just your brain...

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 14:38 | 2456026 Cadavre
Cadavre's picture

old pharts

Glasses? Or, you could carry around a battery powered wide screen TV and port the smart phone display using a USB connection? Hire somebody to read it for you?

Or - invent a snap on smart phone accessory case with a built in magnifier like the ones used by the information ministry in Monty Python's perfectly prescient celluloid prediction of this moment: Brazil.

Android has an app call "Zoom".

Besides: Most old pharts don't do smart phones - ya can't eat `em and they ain't as entertaining as the view out the window and ya can't make money using them. Paid assistants take and make calls for `em.

Anybody here ever research a prospect and then execute a trade on a smart phone? Surprising - most mega corps still use XP!

Read a sci fi novel. A rich guy in it had paint on his hands - in the novel wood was so expensive only the rich could afford it to support their carpentry hobbies. Spotting the "story's" super rich was easy - they were the only ones on the street that did not have a mobil device smashed against their ear.

Back to Phonebook (r): SO WHEN IS THE IPO or is it just another another CIA funded info harvester, like Flopbook (pretty soon our microwave ovens will all be CIA field agent)?

In today's "Nastiest Rock and Roll Tune Ever Category", thanks to link from a neighbor that makes his living producing music: Jeff and Heap's cover of Roll`n and Tumbl`n. (now this sh*t will make you blind).

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 19:49 | 2457095 AGuy
AGuy's picture

Thats how PhoneBook will make it's billions: Selling Eyeglasses to enlarge small print.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 18:09 | 2456819 alchemisteve
alchemisteve's picture

"... your in the same room."  Duke Leto would be so proud.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 20:45 | 2457222 jez
jez's picture

Pah. PhoneBook is old news. I am working on a super-compact wireless hand-held writing device which I have decided to call a "pencil".

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:25 | 2455644 barliman
barliman's picture


Pssst .... my son knows one of these guys and has heard this network will even work when the internet is offline !!!!!!111!!!!!!!

THIS is a TRILLION dollar IPO waiting to happen!


Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:54 | 2455831 TheFourthStooge-ing
TheFourthStooge-ing's picture



Wed, 05/23/2012 - 15:27 | 2456204 Cadavre
Cadavre's picture

My cousin's sister's uncle's daughter best friend says she heard it works, not only without the internet, but without the mobil device or the app!

The IPO man is dry-humping overtime, hot and heavy, any and all diversions to help the muggles forget the Flopbook debacle.

Why isn't CNBC named in the Flopbook NASDAQ filing (forgot they just say what there told to say - but still - does the FCC lease CNBC "OUR" bandwidth to enable them as conspirators in a fraud!

Those flopbook plaintiffs must be born hard again dumb and stuoud trailer park droolers to have fallen for that scam - "GEE I COULDN'T DOUBLE UP IN ONE DAY! - I'm gonna sue for bailout cheese!". Right - just like MF Global paid the haircut back NOT! Should anybody have their contact info - please share - An associate has an "Instant Water (just add water!)" franchise opportunity he'd like to speak with them about. (btw- Didn't "Currently Being Butt Bumped Where the Sun Don't Shine by Billy Joe Bob Bubba", Bernie Madoff, found the NASDAQ?

No wonder Zuck's partner crawled into an Israeli Hidy Hole.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:46 | 2455780 Winston Smith 2009
Winston Smith 2009's picture

Creator - yes, inventor - no.  That was a pair of Harvard twins.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:09 | 2455532 redpill
redpill's picture

The bail bonds ads are always the best.  Speaking of which, is Alex Hope out of jail yet?

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:15 | 2455572 francis_sawyer
francis_sawyer's picture

So as soon as everybody gets back to break even with the Faceplant fiasco, they get to 'diversify' into this one?


- Cue the next Nasdaq crash

- Cue the lawyers

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:03 | 2455487 Silver Bug
Silver Bug's picture

Valuation of this has to be 20x GOOGLE!



Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:04 | 2455496 derek_vineyard
derek_vineyard's picture

off the topic:  did liesman get fired? 

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:10 | 2455539 UP Forester
UP Forester's picture

Don't worry.  Like genital warts, he'll pop up again, probably muttering incoherently about gold and buy the dip and anal probes and stuff....

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:26 | 2455652 Stuck on Zero
Stuck on Zero's picture

Scum always rises to the top.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:10 | 2455542 clones2
clones2's picture

How am I supposed to stalk ex-girlfriends with this "Phonebook"?

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:14 | 2455560 Toxicosis
Toxicosis's picture

I'm sure they'll invent a way.  Stalking never gets old.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:53 | 2455795 hedgeless_horseman
hedgeless_horseman's picture



Vers 1.0 lists EVERY MAN'S EX-GIRLFRIEND AND HER HOME ADDRESS!  The close-your-eyes-and-point randomizer add-on is also included...free!

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 14:09 | 2455895 Normalcy Bias
Normalcy Bias's picture

HA! That reminds me of the sniper in The Jerk. "Johnson, Navin R... sounds like a typical bastard. "

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 21:02 | 2457267 jumbo maverick
jumbo maverick's picture

The CANS! He's shooting the cans!

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 21:08 | 2457284 Jena
Jena's picture

So much to love in that movie!  The cat juggling, the special purpose...

Thu, 05/24/2012 - 04:21 | 2458130 StychoKiller
StychoKiller's picture

Meh, they only get a restraining order to show how much they luv you! :>D

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:19 | 2455603 fuu
fuu's picture

You'll have to do it the old fashioned way, on foot.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:48 | 2455792 Winston Smith 2009
Winston Smith 2009's picture

"off the topic:  did liesman get fired?"

No, he's on vacation and now providing horrible investment advice and market analyisis to his dog, Sucker.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:04 | 2455497 TheFourthStooge-ing
TheFourthStooge-ing's picture

Phonebook is also completely wireless and can be used continuously for months without requiring a battery recharge. In fact, you're more likely to upgrade to a newer version before ever needing to recharge it.


Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:09 | 2455530 hedgeless_horseman
hedgeless_horseman's picture



Free delivery, too!

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:25 | 2455641 Jay Gould Esq.
Jay Gould Esq.'s picture

Wireless, free delivery -- not to mention wholly "green," as PhoneBook is sourced from 100% recycled/post-consumer content fiber.

An ad revenue-driven pure-play. A placement in this IPO will be a lead pipe cinch to make money.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:23 | 2455631 fuu
fuu's picture

You can recycle it when you upgade.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 19:18 | 2457004 Things that go bump
Things that go bump's picture

How retro.  This reminds me of technology I used as a girl.  

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 12:54 | 2455427 veyron
veyron's picture

"PhoneBook will enable friends to play many games as well, such as charades, cards, and a game Fruber believes will be a breakout: Farm"


If we gave every farmville user a cent of land and a hoe, we'd solve the obesity and unemployment problems 

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:00 | 2455459 hedgeless_horseman
hedgeless_horseman's picture



I love to play Farm.  Here is what I won last night...


...and it along with some exercise farm does indeed solve the obesity bug associated with other social networking concepts.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:02 | 2455481 duo
duo's picture

Is that GMO corn?

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