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Borowitz Does It Again: Introducing PhoneBook

Tyler Durden's picture




 

It just never gets old...

From Andy Borowitz

Introducing the Hot New Social Network, PhoneBook

SILICON VALLEY (The Borowitz Report) – A new social network is about to alter the playing field of the social media world, and it’s called PhoneBook.

According to its creators, who invented the network in their dorm room at Berkeley, PhoneBook is the game-changer that will leave Facebook, Twitter and even the much anticipated Google Buzz in a cloud of dust.

“With PhoneBook, you have a book that has a list of all your friends in the city, plus everyone else who lives there,” says Danny Fruber, one of PhoneBook’s creators.

“When you want to chat with a friend, you look them up in PhoneBook, and find their unique PhoneBook number,” Fruber explains.  “Then you enter that number into your phone and it connects you directly to them.”

Another breakout utility of PhoneBook allows the user to arrange face-to-face meetings with his or her friends at restaurants, bars, and other “places,” as Fruber calls them.

“You will be sitting right across from your friend and seeing them in 3-D,” he said.  “It’s like Skype, only without the headset.”

PhoneBook will enable friends to play many games as well, such as charades, cards, and a game Fruber believes will be a breakout: Farm.

“In Farm, you have an actual farm where you raise real crops and livestock,” he says.  “It’s hard work, but it’s more fun than Mafia, where you actually get killed.”

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Wed, 05/23/2012 - 12:57 | 2455450 Sisyphus
Sisyphus's picture

Breaking news
Facebook unfriends Facebook to friend Phonebook

On a telephonic interview, Facebook founder said:
"Whoaaa!!! Duuuuddee!!! That's so cool."

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:06 | 2455507 resurger
resurger's picture

i deactivated my 2008 account today for good, deleted all my photos, albums ..(although they are still on the CIA servers)

 

 

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 16:55 | 2456579 Jason_1sandal
Jason_1sandal's picture

You can actually delete your account forever. It's about 5 clicks into the help section. You are given 2 weeks to reinstate your account with everything intact. After that you are gone for good (cia may still have account info though). After I did it I got no more ads on ZH !! and about 2/3 less spam in my email YAY !!!!! :>)

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 12:58 | 2455451 resurger
resurger's picture

yup! that's the new shit ...

5 Soaps

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 12:58 | 2455452 El Viejo
El Viejo's picture

Is it Friday already??

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:03 | 2455486 john39
john39's picture

depends on whether you are employed.  if not, every day is friday.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 12:59 | 2455456 fireangelmaverick
fireangelmaverick's picture

In related news Morgan Stanley agreed to raise $50 Billion for a 10 % stake in the PHONEBOOK company valuing them at $500 billion.

"Apple which actually makes a small % of all phones on the market has a capitalization of close $500 billion. But Apple phones are useless without actual numbers to call. I mean seriously "Who u gonna call?... ". said their chief research analyst.

 

 

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:37 | 2455725 Karl von Bahnhof
Karl von Bahnhof's picture

Newsflash.
Facebook inc. (FB) announced today long awaited mobile solution. In reaction to current market trends we are redy to provide our users with a printed copy of all their postings... CEO said on friday.

"This is extremely smart move, giving current and especially future shareholders extreme advantage in rapidly growing social business" analysts from M-organ stanley said.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 12:58 | 2455460 john milton
john milton's picture

have you not played anry birds..?? loaded up more than billion, so must worth more than ...????

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:00 | 2455461 Mercury
Mercury's picture

This is fantastic!

I can talk to girls with my mouth again!

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 12:59 | 2455466 ZeroPower
ZeroPower's picture

Uh...Is there an app for that?

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 12:59 | 2455467 FLUSA.com
FLUSA.com's picture

When is the IPO?

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 12:59 | 2455468 Mudja
Mudja's picture

I heard Yellow Pages is thinking about an acquisition ;-)

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:27 | 2455663 cougar_w
cougar_w's picture

Yellow Pages

Such an unfortunate name.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:00 | 2455471 postafoa02
postafoa02's picture

it won't work without electricity for your brain

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:50 | 2455809 Winston Smith 2009
Winston Smith 2009's picture

What is "brain"?

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:00 | 2455473 I am a Man I am...
I am a Man I am Forty's picture

dumb

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:07 | 2455518 HoofHearted
HoofHearted's picture

Yes you are, but we won't hold that against you....too much.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:11 | 2455545 I am a Man I am...
I am a Man I am Forty's picture

Fuck, you people are easily amused.  

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:17 | 2455588 resurger
resurger's picture

nice orange, in which cell you are in? I would like to visit

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:20 | 2455604 TheFourthStooge-ing
TheFourthStooge-ing's picture

I am a Man I am Forty said:

Fuck, you people are easily amused.

You mean you're not even trying?

 

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 17:50 | 2456761 TWSceptic
TWSceptic's picture

Seems that you are easily depressed. I feel sorry for you man.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:01 | 2455475 Everybodys All ...
Everybodys All American's picture

I'm awe in and can't wait for the IPO.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:02 | 2455485 azzhatter
azzhatter's picture

Soon we will have FuckBook or PornBook- all the people you would like to do on a site you can share with all your friends

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:27 | 2455664 francis_sawyer
francis_sawyer's picture

No shit...

Enough of these sophmoric creations... What I want to know is who the fuck is working on the virtual reality 'have sex with a supermodel' device...

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:51 | 2455815 Winston Smith 2009
Winston Smith 2009's picture

Working... on it... right... now...

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 21:55 | 2457452 Papasmurf
Papasmurf's picture

First model, resembling Rosie O'Donnell will be out in June.  It will have a faceplant thumbs up button.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:03 | 2455488 stoverny
stoverny's picture

what will they think of next

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:03 | 2455489 thebigmozey
thebigmozey's picture

  Wow - is this a publicly traded company?

  They got stock I can buy.

  What a unique concept - why didn't some one think of this before.

  This is going to be a blockbuster!

  (Yes, sarcaasm intended)

  Cheers

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:07 | 2455516 Karl von Bahnhof
Karl von Bahnhof's picture

No one, I say no one can see this coming

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:04 | 2455493 Doubleguns
Doubleguns's picture

Reminds me of the girl that got a wind up watch. It doesn't need batteries. She said what will they thing of next.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:06 | 2455505 walküre
walküre's picture

Then this from Morgan Stanley

Morgan Stanley: If Clients Overpaid For Facebook Shares, They Will Get An Adjustment

ROFML

The horror, the injustice! Investors overpaid for a stock! MS is done. They've lost all credibility. You can't play this rigged game and pretend you're doing the right thing. That's like the crook who has a weekly confession to get absolution from his crimes.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:12 | 2455554 WillyGroper
WillyGroper's picture

Or fooking for virginity.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:16 | 2455580 junkyardjack
junkyardjack's picture

Local couple Matt and Wendy Ratliff told reporters Tuesday that they have been steadily building up a nest egg of debt to make sure that they always had something tucked away to owe banks and creditors no matter what the future held...

http://www.theonion.com/articles/couple-has-nest-egg-of-debt-to-make-sure-theyve-go,28277/

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:28 | 2455668 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

WTF? If you're stupid enough to put a bid in on the piece of shit then you get what you deserve. I'll tell you what MS can I open an options account? And everytime my trade goes south can you adjust my account to make me whole? Anybody who participates in this mad house is an idiot.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:41 | 2455758 walküre
walküre's picture

FB IPO is going full circle with an inquisition by the US Senate.

MS must have burned the wrong guys on this one.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:47 | 2455783 eclectic syncretist
eclectic syncretist's picture

Re:

Morgan Stanley: If Clients Overpaid For Facebook Shares, They Will Get An Adjustment

 

Translation: Good luck getting the Justice Dept., SEC, or FBI to come up with any charges that are going to stick (since the lawmakers are our puppets), and even if there is a judgement against us, rest assured that we'll only be required to return pennies on the dollar of what we stold.  Don't you know how the game works yet??!!!!

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 14:23 | 2455956 Badabing
Badabing's picture

not unless Morgan Stanley jammed the SEC with FB

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:06 | 2455510 UTICA CLUB XX PURE
UTICA CLUB XX PURE's picture

The milk...

It looks funny...

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:23 | 2455632 Big Corked Boots
Big Corked Boots's picture

Not as funny as Utica Club.

Although, someone used PhoneBook to invite me over for Genesee Cream Ale. I may have to unfriend them.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:08 | 2455526 Downtoolong
Downtoolong's picture

I'm so glad  Ididn't have a mouth full of beer when I started reading this.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:08 | 2455527 New England Patriot
New England Patriot's picture

Reality has the best graphics, UI.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:09 | 2455533 hidingfromhelis
hidingfromhelis's picture

Whoa!  This thing sounds way too real.  It's going to be a threat to someone.  

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:09 | 2455534 FieldingMellish
FieldingMellish's picture

This is bullish! BTFD.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:10 | 2455544 skepticCarl
skepticCarl's picture

This kind of social interaction will be problematical for post boomers.  For instance, how does one lol?  Does one have to exhale forcefully and sporadically through one's vocal chords to make an audible sound?  How does one express emotions properly, without emoticons?

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:23 | 2455635 TheFourthStooge-ing
TheFourthStooge-ing's picture

.

How does one express emotions properly, without emoticons?

It involves display of the genitals or buttocks.

 

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:25 | 2455645 cougar_w
cougar_w's picture

What are these "genitals" of which you speak?

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:49 | 2455800 TheFourthStooge-ing
TheFourthStooge-ing's picture

They're those things for which the internet was invented.

 

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:13 | 2455558 blunderdog
blunderdog's picture

I don't see how you're going to make money on this one. 

I already get a competitor's version of this for free on my doorstep every once in awhile.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:15 | 2455574 junkyardjack
junkyardjack's picture

You don't need revenue to be a public company.  Go back to sleep Rip Van Winkle, the 50s have passed.  Where can I invest in this?...

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