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Borowitz Does It Again: Introducing PhoneBook

Tyler Durden's picture


It just never gets old...

From Andy Borowitz

Introducing the Hot New Social Network, PhoneBook

SILICON VALLEY (The Borowitz Report) – A new social network is about to alter the playing field of the social media world, and it’s called PhoneBook.

According to its creators, who invented the network in their dorm room at Berkeley, PhoneBook is the game-changer that will leave Facebook, Twitter and even the much anticipated Google Buzz in a cloud of dust.

“With PhoneBook, you have a book that has a list of all your friends in the city, plus everyone else who lives there,” says Danny Fruber, one of PhoneBook’s creators.

“When you want to chat with a friend, you look them up in PhoneBook, and find their unique PhoneBook number,” Fruber explains.  “Then you enter that number into your phone and it connects you directly to them.”

Another breakout utility of PhoneBook allows the user to arrange face-to-face meetings with his or her friends at restaurants, bars, and other “places,” as Fruber calls them.

“You will be sitting right across from your friend and seeing them in 3-D,” he said.  “It’s like Skype, only without the headset.”

PhoneBook will enable friends to play many games as well, such as charades, cards, and a game Fruber believes will be a breakout: Farm.

“In Farm, you have an actual farm where you raise real crops and livestock,” he says.  “It’s hard work, but it’s more fun than Mafia, where you actually get killed.”


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Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:17 | 2455581 Frank N. Beans
Frank N. Beans's picture

so people are "phoned?"

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:18 | 2455591 Downtoolong
Downtoolong's picture

Goldman, Morgan,  and the entire Wall Street syndicate is all over it already with a share redistribution fund for retail investors. This time it's guaranteed to circumvent all financial regulations as well as the Laws of Gravity and Einstein's Theory Of Relativity.


Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:21 | 2455608 Bam_Man
Bam_Man's picture

And short people can place one or two of these on the driver's seat to get a better view of the road. You'd need at least half a dozen iMacs to do this.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:22 | 2455626 Dixie Rect
Dixie Rect's picture

This will be huge in France, where they can use the white pages as surrender flags

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:24 | 2455636 cougar_w
cougar_w's picture

PhoneBook "places" will never catch on because nobody wants to be seen in public anymore.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:38 | 2455734 crawldaddy
crawldaddy's picture

have you seen the people of walmart?

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:30 | 2455685 LULZBank
LULZBank's picture

It's like Skype, only without the headset.

It's like Facebook, only without the Zuckerberg.

It's like Second life, only without the extra marital affairs.

It's like imvu, only without the extra curvy women in kinky costumed avatars.

Its like a fucking telephone, only without some fucking ad about something you're never gonna fucking buy!!!

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:31 | 2455691 Agent P
Agent P's picture

I heard it was originally called "The PhoneBook" until Justin Timberlake suggested they shorten the name.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:31 | 2455694 UGrev
UGrev's picture

Is this a joke?  because I'll just make a site called Rolodex and go toe to toe.. CAN ANYONE COME UP WITH ANY GOOD, USEFUL SOFTWTARE ANYMORE!!! wtf is with this social ad farm bullshit.. i'm so fucking sick of this shit.. Look.. PEOPLE ARE NOT PRODUCTS.. SO FUCK OFF!!!

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 15:36 | 2456247 TideFighter
TideFighter's picture

I am designing software that allows Members to get alerts when creditors make great settlement deals with our other Members.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:34 | 2455708 mendigo
mendigo's picture

I don't get it
what if I go outside and there are girls there - symantic can't fix that virus
maybe at 2.0

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:35 | 2455716 sudzee
sudzee's picture

Every time you add a friend you are sent another book. If you have lots of friends you can build a house with the books and have a face to face party.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 14:33 | 2455720 Bam_Man
Bam_Man's picture

Individual pages can also be used as toilet paper in an emergency situation when all FRN's have already been used up.

Warning: Do not try this with an iPad.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:37 | 2455722 crawldaddy
crawldaddy's picture

in the 60s and 70s families would invite one another over and sometimes one family would bore the hell out of the other one with slides from a trip or something, but usually the slide show was short lived and they would feed you and get you hammered, so it was a good time.  On facebook all you get is the boring fucking slide show without the free food or booze.  How is this an improvement on anything?

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 21:11 | 2457305 Dburn
Dburn's picture

WTF, Where else can you go and waste 4 hours staring at pussy , I mean Cats.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:39 | 2455738 AchtungAffen
AchtungAffen's picture

I'm still waiting for Fuckbook.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 21:10 | 2457300 Dburn
Dburn's picture

I'm still waiting for Fuckbook.

Post of the Day.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:42 | 2455759 walcott
walcott's picture

Have you called your Momma today?

Coach Bryant Commercial

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:42 | 2455762 Azwethinkweiz
Azwethinkweiz's picture

I have 2,453 friends on Facebook but I only know 12 well enough to actually "phone a friend" and 2 of them would never accept a collect call from me.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 13:46 | 2455779 George Washington
George Washington's picture

Borowitz is a rock star ... as funny as Dave Barry, and more on-point socially..

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 14:00 | 2455859 deboomer
deboomer's picture

This is more of the obvious.  There is nothing being created here, just old industries getting transferred to a new medium.

Coupons, encyclopedias, newspapers, banking,listening to music, photographs all being accessed and stored over the internet.


Wed, 05/23/2012 - 14:48 | 2456008 Floodmaster
Floodmaster's picture

A facebook user can lost his way and ends up to the Internet, It can be very disturbing to them. Lost  Zuck'd can be detect by their  self-absorbed attitude and redirect to their self-contained worldZuckerGod will give you a 3$ ad credits (one click).

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 15:12 | 2456142 TideFighter
TideFighter's picture

If Phonebook goes IPO, I'm shorting the forrest. I do like updates landing in my driveway or on the front porch.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 15:44 | 2456289 ReligiousAtheist1
ReligiousAtheist1's picture

Hahahahahahaha Priceless piece

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 16:01 | 2456364 yofish
yofish's picture

Wow, I was ready to go all in, but my wife told me we had one already.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 16:08 | 2456395 clumb
clumb's picture

Got FacePooped(tm)?

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 16:11 | 2456409 flyingpigg
flyingpigg's picture

This doesn't look like Phonebook. I believe it's the business version "Yellow pages". That's even better because companies should be willing to pay big dollar to get ad space. Can't wait to subscribe to the IPO. They didn't award me any FB shares last week so I've still some non-vaporized money left to invest! 

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 16:36 | 2456517 realitybiter
realitybiter's picture

It incorporates a technology termed "energy net zero" which has conquered the age old problem of battery life and never needs to be charged....patenet pending

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 18:17 | 2456770 TWSceptic
TWSceptic's picture

Don't give that assclown suckerberg any ideas. Adding audio / video conversation to Fadebook for extra fee could actually save the company if done the right way. Maybe the next hyped up social network site will even take this idea and destroy suckerberg.

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 21:08 | 2457286 Dburn
Dburn's picture

The bandwidth and server storage/power requirements are off the fricking charts. Hey, how about calling someone on the PHONE and looking at an old picture. Mininimal bandwidth usage, Photoshop those Jowls right out of there. Call it

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 18:19 | 2456847 netpounder
netpounder's picture

When is the Wikipedia IPO?

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 18:23 | 2456857 netpounder
netpounder's picture

Why only get pictures and information on people with FaceBook if you can get the same for everything on Wikipedia?  Let's IPO that bitch!

Wed, 05/23/2012 - 22:03 | 2457472 THE DOCTOR
THE DOCTOR's picture

Copyright...Al Gore.

Sat, 06/02/2012 - 08:37 | 2487048 Herkimer Jerkimer
Herkimer Jerkimer's picture



Let's me…

"The contacts are already printed out for you! Simply tear it out!"


"Roll huge joints with old PhoneBooks! (In the coming apocolypse!"


"Start Fires!"


"Can be used as emergency toilet paper! Or not so emergency TP in the coming apocolypse!"



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