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Borowitz Goes For The FaceBook Trifecta
FaceBook is now not only the worst (from an investor standpoint) large IPO in the past decade, but by the time Andy Borowitz is done with it, it will also be the funniest. Today, having previously presented the world with the "adjusted" letter from Zuck, and introduced PhoneBook, Borowitz gives us the low down on the Facebook founder's own post-mortem.
And yes, it's funny cause it's true, because making fun of human stupidity never gets old, and because watching the formerly hip become the terminally uncool is just the greatest slow-motion trainwreck available.
From the Borowitz Report:
MENLO PARK, CA (The Borowitz Report) – The following letter to Facebook users was issued today by Facebook founder and CEO, Mark Zuckerberg:
Dear Facebook User,
Hi, it’s Mark.
As you may have heard, our IPO last week didn’t go quite as well as expected. How badly did it go, exactly? If you live in a major city, you’ve probably seen homeless guys huddled around bonfires of Facebook stock. More ominously, I just received a call from my attorney telling me that I probably didn’t need a prenup after all.
If you’re a Facebook investor, you already know what this means: it sucks to be you. But what if you’re one of the billion Facebook users in the world? Well, it also sucks to be you, because I am writing to you now to ask for your financial support to help save Facebook.
It’s only fair. Since its founding in 2004, Facebook has totally revolutionized the way you waste your life. Without it, you would find yourself in the unpleasant and awkward position of having to speak to your family. And so, to keep Facebook alive, I am instituting the following new usage charges:
– $1 per poke
– $5 for every ex you crop out of a profile picture
– $10 for every time you stalk someone from high school, college, or job you were fired from because of that HR “incident”
– $15 for every “friend” you have never met (no charge for friends you know, if any)
– $20 for every sheep, bird, or the Scrabble letters Z, X or Q
With your financial help, Facebook should be around for many years to come, providing you with hours upon hours of pointless and isolating activity. Without your help? I’ve just got one word for you: Friendster.
Help me,
Mark
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The hilarious thing about Facebook is that a whole load of companies have successfully monetized Facebook, except, it seems Facebook itself. Not sure how long Zynga, etc, will last (seems like a fad), but at least they are making money off Facebook. Why can't FB do the same? To be honest, Suckerberg would have done better spending money buying Zynga than buying Intragram.
Dear Mark,
Get out with your money while you can.
Your eternal first friend,
Tom Anderson
MySpace
Suggest immediate merger, new company to be called MySpaceBook. Initial IPO @ 78.00, 1st acquisition to be Nigerian Email Scams.inc. - will provide bold revenue stream exploiting social networking opportunities.
2nd acquisition Citigroup, to be renamed FaceBank, guaranteed revenue stream hacking user identities and credit card info through 3rd acquisition BackOrifice2012.
Suggest bundling ipos into tranches and getting s&p to rate AAA, securitize and sell to pension funds and sovereign funds,start market for shorting these securitized IPO tranches and bet both sides through heavy leveraging.
To the moon, Alice, to the moon. Its a rocket by the tail and all we gotta do is light it.
So not only is Zuck going to bump up your popularity for the right fee, as proposed recently, he will charge your X the $5 to crop you out of the picture when you're done. I know my X is good for the fiver, so that has to be good enough for ummm.... at least a 20 cent rise in stock price.
Bacically I just realized that all this is just a set-up for Twitter. The next great swindle.
It is seen by all as a well run company, with excellent advertising potential, regular, almost manic usage, traffic, tons of traffic.
And imagien this, if Dysfunctional FadeBook is/was worth 100 Bills at the gate, what will Twitter be worth?
I wonder how much private investment in Twitter is from the same gang of insiders?
Twitter is next, I feel it, or rather can hear it, in my ears...
twit...twit....
ori
twit-twit-2hooo
Twitter is waiting patiently ... its time will come
LOL, that is true so true. They seem to If Mark doesn't get out while he can he will lose everything.
He's going to sell Facebook to the CIA or the FBI.
It is their baby. It is their subcontractor.
The only thing funnier than the IPO is looking at Zuckerberg and realizing he is the ultimate product of 2000 years of inbreeding, the super tribesman now holding the record for screwing the most goy out of the largest sum of money in the shortest period of history. He is supreme master of the cattle slaughterhouse.
I dont know
Didnt Madoff rip off a few cattle (goyim) too?
Of course he also committed the unforgivable sin of ripping off members of the Chosen People, the self designated master race
Madoff is getting out: http://www.theonion.com/articles/federal-government-to-reduce-madoffs-sentence-if-h,26390/
"Zucked" will replace "Corzined" as my new favorite adjective.
Just make it Corzucked.
Zuckcored sounds better though.
Actually Maddy appealed to clients by saying he wouldn't screw over his own tribe, which is why his kids had to die and he will pay dearly.
Either that, or the trilaterals....
http://www.quickmeme.com/meme/3pg80e/
Yid envy is such a bore
now go sweep out the basement, shabbas goy
pucker up for lucifer's aersehole devilboy.
The Synagogue of SatanThanks for the interesting read.
Most Yids are Khazarian Turks,
And have no "right" to the land of Israel.
They took it through guile, politics and maintain it through force.
And this makes them different from the original American colonists, Soviets, Red Chinese, Australians and Conquistadors, how?
Even if every vile, jew hating comment you post is true, it still doesnt explain why on this earthly realm you are a loser and so many Yids are winners.
that depends on your definition of winner... but you can't see that, can you...
Simple, Yids are smarter than everyone else. Bet you guys thought I was a (gosh) anti-semite.
http://www.americancivilrightsreview.com/africanfailure.html
I see your Hasbara Troll Alert guided you to another chosen one thread, since you never show up at any other time. Soon the dog will be dead, the fleas will have to find a new host, and China has plans for your fiat con game, it won't be pretty.
Wow, another one.
Thanks for making me aware of the Hasbara project. Never heard of it, so had to look it up.
You're right, no other country, company or individual spends money on PR.
Its just those evil Yids.
Now go back to writing your Gobbels dissertation asshole
Zuckerberg got jewed by NASDAQ.
2000 years of inbreeding?
Perhaps a religious person on this site can enlighten me, but if I read Genesis I can't see Cain and Abel finding prom dates in another Garden, so I think this species was screwed by inbreeding right from the get go. That's my excuse anyway.
FACEBOOK, CREATED BY DOUCHEBAGS FOR DOUCHEBAGS, EXCLUSIVELY.
Hilarious.
Amen to that, there is a disturbing irony that the "social network" was designed by introverted geeks who couldn’t look you in the eye if their mothers life depended on it. I met an old punk recently who used to live on my street, as kids we always thought he was great, he’s around 40 now... he says to me, using particularly fabulous mannerisms, "ARENT YOU ON FACEBOOK YET??!!". Yawn. What a crock of shite.
SEX PISTOLS -> PUBLIC IMAGE LIMITED -> SOCIAL NETWORKING (MANAGING YOUR PUBLIC IMAGE AND GETTING SOME)
BOTTOM LINE: EVERYONE JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED AND APPRECIATED. THE JERKOFFS AND DOUCHEBAGES PREFER FACEBOOK.
I can't stand this guy's face. He looks like every Starbucks swilling, strip mall inhabiting brain-dead pawn (pod) in this united states of israel.
Yeah, just make sure you don't use their advertising program to do that. I tried that and it failed miserably.
MAD; what me worry, i own stocks in fraud street....LOL
http://meganandtimmy.com/2012/03/15/164365-mad-busy/
Next time you see that cover, they'll darken his complexion and add a bit of stubble.
and an orange jumpsuit and/or some rope.
and if anyone states the obvious, that he is jewish, then they are an automatic racist.
If we state obvious that you're CIA, then what? All these pronouncements of end of Facebook sound like envy to me. Shit, the IPO's only out for one week and now the crybaby bankers are suing for their money back because their get rich quick money scheme failed. Fuck you bankers scum.
Of course we are envious of the chosen people. They have honed their skills thru millenia. We goyim are just noobs in comparison
Yeah, the CIA tries to deflect their work by blaming the Jews. I've read all about it.
Blue eyed Jew? Don't buy it.
it's a bit more complicated than simply crooked banksters losing money.....no sympathy here for them as they are also thieves. But read and study why they are pissed. Hint: the secretive internal info portend a slowdown in earnings compared to what was publicly stated. And for an IPO priced at an ungodly PE ratio.....look out below!!!!!!!
A fool and his money are soon parted.
A fool and his reason are soon conjoined.
A fool was lucky to get his hands on that money in the first place.
Not that complicated. Do you always believe what you read. What about Amazon PE, Priceline PE? The crybaby little bankers are just pissed off they didn't get their quick pay off.
And notice how the T I 'M' E - 'M' is nicely in the middle of his forehead like devil horns... add that with the stubble and a long foo man choo beard and there ya go...
Truly humorous.
So who wants to get in on the office pool betting on how many, and how soon, some poor smuck takes the fall and goes to jail? (Betting on zero is allowed . . .)
-30-
Lolmfaoyolowtf
What's wrong? He started a company from nothing, then sold it for billions. He needs to RUN with the money. Funny article though!
While all along saying that he wasn't interested in making money.
It's the ultimate geek practical joke.
100% agree.
He simply made money off the rigged system, while causing multi million dollar loses for the banks. He only cashed out with a 1.4 billion dollar portion of his +20 billion stake. I think he has held great restraint, my ass would have completely cashed out, because even I can see its a sub 10$ stock. Any retail investor that bought into the hype deserved what they got.
Hes still a douchebag though.
Here is a list of the early investors in Facebook who made a bundle by cashing in portions of their stock Friday before share prices tumbled. Value is estimated at $38 a share. Also included is how much money each saved by getting out Friday, before shares sunk to $31.
Mark Zuckerberg
Shares sold: 30.2 million
Value: $1.13 billion
Saved: $174 million
Accel Partners, venture capital investor
Year invested in Facebook: 2005 for $12.7 million
Shares sold: 49 million
Value: $1.86 billion
Saved: $341 million
Peter Thiel, PayPal co-founder
Year invested in Facebook: 2004 for $500,000
Shares sold: 16.8 million
Value: $640 million
Saved: $119 million
DST Global Ltd, investment firm based in London and founded by Russian oligarch
Year invested in Facebook: 2009 and late 2010 for $200 million
Shares sold: 45.7 million
Value: $1.74 billion
Saved: $323 million
Goldman Sachs, investment bank
Year invested in Facebook: 2011 for $450 million
Shares sold: 28.7 million
Value: $1.09 billion
Saved: $200 million
Elevation Partners, private equity firm with Bono("irish" jew paul hewson) as spokesman
Shares sold: 4.6 million
Value: $176 million
Saved: $3.3 million
Greylock Partners, venture capital investor
Year invested in Facebook: 2006 for $27.5 million
Shares sold: 7.6 million
Value: $289 million
Saved: 53.4 million
His name translates to "Sugar Mountain".
Prolly the only truly funny part...
"Help me,
Mark"
LULZ!!
I hate to be a cynic, but what was the purpose of getting married in the week of your IPO?! Is Precilla holding a call option at the price of the IPO?
Prenup...
There's an old proverb that says that misfortune never comes singly.
What are the odds their kids turn out uglier than the IPO...
In matrimoney one enters wth what one has. Mark's mark-to-market is the IPO-valuation. Beat that Priscilla!
In Priscilla shareholders trust! We are on the side of the bride!...
Cuz he knows it will be the pinnacle of his entire lifetime.
Might as well try to hit the biggest high ya can -- cuz it can only go downhill from there.
Can't say I don't blame 'im....
To look like a responsible executive so people take FB seriously.
It was just a coincidence he got married right after the IPO. He didn't really want to IPO.
The whole IPO roadshow and the pricing and how it's been handled since going public show's that he's a kid and in way over his head. He should have had the intelligence to recognize that and brought in a grownup to be CEO several years ago.
I "like" it!
I hope the Winkleberg twins don't get hurt again. That would be devastating.
Once options become available on the 29th they will be shorting the fuck out of it.
Schwing!
Not "Winkelberg". WinkleVOSS! VOSS! VOSS!. U know, the stupid, good-natured goyim who Jewboy stole the idea from in the 1st place.
Jew mad? The Talmudic Jews are allowed, no encouraged to steal from non Jews.
Morality and ethics dont apply when dealing with non Jews; you didn't get the memo?
I bet News Corp. will now buy FB
prenup? I think you really meant PrenDown.
"It's a dog with fleas"
-Bud Fox
"It's a dog with fleas"
-Gordon Gekko
Fixed it for ya
He should have included this....
"Oh and don't use our own in house photo app that just launched, we just bought Instagram instead. Gotta make that billion dollar purchase justifiable."
"Take me to your Banks."
We, the people of ZH, hereby pronounce Mark Suckerberg to be The Upperclass Twit of the Year!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TSqkdcT25ss
Brilliant.
a tribe of murderous thieving nation wreckers, nothing human about them.
109 Locations whence Jews have been Expelled since AD250And you have contributed to the betterment of the human species how?
Perhaps Tyler will give you a guest spot where you can champion your great accomplishments and leave us gasping in awe.
So why did you go with a beautiful Italian name like that? Is the real one kinda gross?
It's a family name. Goes back to Firenze. Plus, Tampax was taken by this tedious putz.
trav7777 was banned, but this clown is acceptible? Seems.......inconsistent.
Yes, I know all about the history of Florence and the Medicis. But in that they were into real enlightement and learning how their world really operated, I find your attempts at shutting down honest debate..... inconsistent with your namesake. You're ripping off Cosimo's good name and using it as a attractive wrapper for thought control.
For instance is it that you disagree with the fact that most media is controlled by people who happen to be Jewish, or is it more that you don't want it known and out there more widely than it already is? If you feel the former, your facts are badly out of date and you need to cacth up. If the latter, you're just another part of the problem and should be trated as such.
Like I always like to ask people: who is the High Command of The Fourth Reich of the Rich? It's just rhetorical but helps frame the debate in an objective way. "The Iranians" is not an acceptable answer.
Look at his goddamn comment:
"a tribe of murderous thieving nation wreckers, nothing human about them."
If I take exception to that trash I am part of the problem? Fine. I'll be part of the problem. An asshole like that, without a doubt, is an absolute complete failure at life and needs a scapegoat onto whom he can project his shortcomings. He is not in any way, shape or form trying to "educate". His is hate, and hate alone, born of his own inadequacies and inferiority.
Though it was not part of the comment to which I was responding, I'll take your bait. Are those of Jewish ethnicity represented in media to a degree greater than their representation in society? Yes. Also in my profession (surgeon). So success equals guilt? Nothing is preventing Tampax from putting together a wad of cash and starting his own media outlet from which he can dictate editorial content and attempt to influence viewers. Well, maybe something is stopping him. He lacks the skill to succeed. He won't do it because he can't, and will never do it because he will never be capable. Never. He is a loser. All he has is hate. Fuck him and anyone who thinks he makes this planet better.
all hail the man worth 14 B ; he is still rich enuff to pee on all of WS. In fact according to latest reports its Nasdaq the platform which is more corrupt than MZ. SO if we play this huflungdung game, you can take your pick in the pecking order of who stands #1 in the pillory post race : MZ, MS or Nasdaq, the queen of the techy stocks.
WS is what WS does. Burn Nasdaq and you burn a temple of Zeus the greenback.
XXY
Buy the stock now; because once the gubmint throws 'the switch', FB will be the only thing resolved by DNS. Now shut up and eat your fucking peas.
What's that old saying about the fate of every Time Person Of The Year? Or is that Business Week. I can't remember. All I know is that the award shoud be a 45 caliber and two slugs, just in case you miss the first time (you know like the Facebook IPO)
The sick thing is the only thing that saves FB long-term past 5 years, is online gaming (a la Poker via Zynga).
And by then, no one will have any cash to play online, anyways.
It could still work.
Maybe by then we'll have completely divorced the notion of "money" from something you can carry around.
Maybe Facebunk makes a commish when you set up your profile as an 'Organ Donor'
There's always a market for stolen organs....seems like a good side business for them to get into at this juncture
Ouch!
"Since its founding in 2004, Facebook has totally revolutionized the way you waste your life. Without it, you would find yourself in the unpleasant and awkward position of having to speak to your family."
Without it, you would find yourself in the unpleasant and awkward position of having to speak to your cellmate.
Perhaps some of you chitlins are too young to remember the roaring 90s, and the IPO's (which were only given to privileged clients) that were gauranteed to make reams of cash before J6P could even think about getting in. Facebook IPO was just a harkening for the good old days. Alas, the big boys got burned. That's because they are the only ones left playing. So if you gonna steal, by logical extension you are gonna steal from fellow thieves.
The retail investor knows the market is thoroughly, completely and utterly rigged. Flash crashes, HFT, reverse trades, quote stuffing, naked shorting, fraudulent accounting, churning...and the old standby of insider info/trading.
If this fiasco, MF Global, and JPM's "hedging" doesn't convince you that the market is corrupt and serves only the banksters....nothing will.
Kind of hard to sheer sheep when they were already slaughtered years ago!
Obummer, Bernank and now the Zuck. TIME is a FUCKING JOKE.......
Obama's Jewish "Irish" GrandfatherWhen you turn off the lights tonight, may you be visited by the ghost of Meir Kahane.
What's that sound? Who's there? Honey, I'm scared!
What if someone, or something not of this world, really is out to get you? No, probably just the wind or the neighbor's cat.
Sleep tight fella.
I am sure (sarc) his investment bankers were telling him to do "the right thing" and proceed with moderation and being forthcoming...
I like to wash my Schadenfreude down with a Spaten and a big ass pretzel--now that's good eatin'.
Give Vivendi a call. They bailed out Michael Robertson in exchange for MP3.com. I'm sure they've forgotten by now and might make you a decent offer.
That many antisocials would beef the best antisocial is comedic enough especially since the latter used the socials to win the game.
i mean this was like so totally fake, like i mean like , huh like wow, i mean like, i really don't understand, like i was like, wow. did he mean like it was like that time on seinfeld when like i mean like, huh, i really didn't like, huh , get it? i was really like......
(i forgot the rest of the conversation) - 'so zuck', yeah, like wow, it was really like not like a really like cool thing. i mean, like, it was like gonna be good, but, maybe, like, it's not like as like awesome as we thought like it was gonna be;. yeah, like so like what do you want me to like, do, man?.
no answer to that one. ever. never. ask obama. hey O - whassup? poor bama - couldn't get into f-like-book.
it's over.
any pension fund manager who bought FB stock should be shot.
The executions in California alone would take months.
http://www.newsmax.com/US/facebook-california-budget/2012/05/15/id/439180
Facebook Inc's initial public offering, in addition to minting a number of billionaires and millionaires, will offer something of a financial lifeline to cash-strapped California — generating more than $2 billion in revenue for the state.
The state's budget watchdog said on Tuesday it expects the IPO will generate $2.1 billion in revenue for California through the 2013 fiscal year.
If Facebook's shares debut this week at $38 a share, rise to $45 in six months and later rise further, California's general fund would receive $2.1 billion over the next 13 months from taxes on their sale, the state's Legislative Analyst's Office said in a report."
The report by the Legislative Analyst's Office said "around 20 percent of the state's personal income growth in 2012 — and nearly 1 percent of all personal income in the state this year — is expected to be related to Facebook."
Really, Facebook going to 45 dollars in half a year? It'll be in the teens by then.
Zuckerberg proves the point that even a blind hog finds an acorn now and then
I feel pretty sure that Tyler has covered this but the most interesting thing to me about the whole FB IPO is that for the first time that I know of the peeps who usually make all the money took all of the losses instead.
I'm happy about that.
The little retail guy who buys last at market usually gets to eat any potential losses.
I'm guessing that the Sheeple Retail Response Buyers (SRRB for short) who usually come in and buy up such a "sought after" stock after all the big boys have made all their money, effectively told the Big Money to shove that overpriced bull where the sun don't shine.
I'm even happier about that.
Oh, I guess I'm happy about the same thing stated differently twice.
Gosh, I hate to repeat myself.
Gee, the irony of that just cracks me up.
Did I mention I'm really happy about that?
It just tears me up that the NASDAQ snafu prevented the manipulators frm driving up the price, and now they are whining and suing because their schemes went awry.
Dear Mark:
Hi. It's us - the vast majority of the users of Facebook.
We love the site itself, but as to your stock offering, you see, we are mainly comprised of children, teenagers, and aimless people who haven't any lives - not the least of which - any sort of income. Thus, we could not buy your stock.
Plus, even if we did have some money, we'd rather spend it on burgers and fries, the newest video game, lip gloss promoted by Kim KarDOUCHEian, and pay-per-view movies than something that anyone can get for free.
I mean....do you think we're that stupid? LOL (c;
After all, you said it;
"It's free...and always will be".
No wonder why your stock is in the shitter.
Sorry about that! LOL
Signed,
Us
Oh - one last thing.
If you even think of charging us for doing anything on your site, we'll abandon you in droves.
priceless piece
Zuckerturd.. and you wonder why anti-semitism still exists... Well, OK, Blankfein helped too...
"The anti-Semites shall be our best friends”. (From his Diary, Part I, pp. 16)
Theodor Herzl, the Founder of ZionismIf he gets on the cover of SI........
Fughedaboutit.
* praying to Allah it is not the swimsuit edition *
I don't seem to get any pleasure watching someone fail, or going from "hip to terminally uncool". I'd better fix that personal shortcoming, because apparently relishing in others' failures makes me a better person.
Time spent on Facebook (never been there, but I've read about it) is a waste, so it is oft said. What about time spent on Zerohedge, when most of what is written is preaching to the choir? Is writing "silver bitchez!' or "Gold IS money" ten thousand times superior to "like"?
We all pick our own poison. To each his own.
For the most part I enjoy Zerohedge and have been reading it religiously since early 2009, but I appreciate that many people view its vocal membership as a bunch of paranoid delusional losers who wallow in hatred for any and all of the successes which have escaped them in life. In fact, I hold admiration for the Tylers for, among other things, creating a business plan to appeal to that lowest common denominator. There’s something for everybody in this glorious world.
I think there's a sense of fairness, and genuiness, at play here, dude. If the IPO hadn't been such a scam and Zuck such an apparent (movie or not) asshole, then sour grapes might not rule the roost. If he was IPO'ing a company that, say, was manufacturing a medicine that cured the common cold or made your weenie bigger or a device that improved the efficiency of the internal combustion engine from 25% to 90%, kudos would rule the roost. I've done the fb thing (and you have too, fibber); it's entertainment, as well as a forum that facilitates starting an affair with your high school sweetheart. The business model sucks.
As far as ZH. If you were around near the beginning +/- (groundZero) then you know that content early-on was almost exclusive financial, with info and unique perspective served in a way not readily available. I agree, black helicopter types have perhaps impacted ZH in a way that detracts from its financial product. Goofballs like GW are not a plus; but how about that asian fella with the 'gitar' and cape?!! Now that's some funny shit! And communicated artistically with subtle irony and wit to boot!
Precious metals? They're an asset class, last I looked. If you'd "like", how about 'short JGB muthafuckas!'? Peace out, dawg.
What about time spent on Zerohedge, when most of what is written is preaching to the choir? Is writing "silver bitchez!' or "Gold IS money" ten thousand times superior to "like"?
There's a lot of bullshit here. Think about Biggie's "Party and Bullshit."
But I've learned a great deal here, and if you have to skip over a lot of worthless content to get something important out of this place, hey, that's what it takes.
Facebook is weighted more heavily on the bullshit and less on the educational side, but you're right it's about the same thing.
The biggest distinction: lack of pseudonymity means a lot of what people REALLY think won't be published there.
http://roflhard.blogspot.com/2011/01/273-mark-zuckerberg-simpsons.html
This cracks me up every time.
I am so glad that I tirelessly published 3 op-eds 4 month agos in Lianhezao of Singapore,CEO&CIO magazine and Fortune Magazine of China to blast off the shitload of bubbles from Facebook's shamelesly self-serving IPO theatrics:
http://www.zaobao.com/yl/yl120308_001.shtml
http://www.fortunechina.com/business/c/2012-02/17/content_89955.htm
http://new.ceocio.com.cn/e/action/ShowInfo.php?classid=339&id=129097
My friends are fond of saying that I am a "Jew Lizard" and that I was "Hatched from a Jew egg"... Zuckerberg REALLY looks like a lizard.