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Borowitz Goes For The FaceBook Trifecta

Tyler Durden's picture




 

FaceBook is now not only the worst (from an investor standpoint) large IPO in the past decade, but by the time Andy Borowitz is done with it, it will also be the funniest. Today, having previously presented the world with the "adjusted" letter from Zuck, and introduced PhoneBook, Borowitz gives us the low down on the Facebook founder's own post-mortem.

And yes, it's funny cause it's true, because making fun of human stupidity never gets old, and because watching the formerly hip become the terminally uncool is just the greatest slow-motion trainwreck available.

From the Borowitz Report:

MENLO PARK, CA (The Borowitz Report) – The following letter to Facebook users was issued today by Facebook founder and CEO, Mark Zuckerberg:

Dear Facebook User,

Hi, it’s Mark.

As you may have heard, our IPO last week didn’t go quite as well as expected.  How badly did it go, exactly?  If you live in a major city, you’ve probably seen homeless guys huddled around bonfires of Facebook stock.  More ominously, I just received a call from my attorney telling me that I probably didn’t need a prenup after all.

If you’re a Facebook investor, you already know what this means: it sucks to be you.  But what if you’re one of the billion Facebook users in the world?  Well, it also sucks to be you, because I am writing to you now to ask for your financial support to help save Facebook.

It’s only fair.  Since its founding in 2004, Facebook has totally revolutionized the way you waste your life.  Without it, you would find yourself in the unpleasant and awkward position of having to speak to your family.  And so, to keep Facebook alive, I am instituting the following new usage charges:

– $1 per poke

– $5 for every ex you crop out of a profile picture

– $10 for every time you stalk someone from high school, college, or job you were fired from because of that HR “incident”

– $15 for every “friend” you have never met (no charge for friends you know, if any)

– $20 for every sheep, bird, or the Scrabble letters Z, X or Q

With your financial help, Facebook should be around for many years to come, providing you with hours upon hours of pointless and isolating activity.  Without your help?  I’ve just got one word for you: Friendster.

Help me,

Mark

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Fri, 05/25/2012 - 17:13 | 2463745 Aziz
Aziz's picture

The hilarious thing about Facebook is that a whole load of companies have successfully monetized Facebook, except, it seems Facebook itself. Not sure how long Zynga, etc, will last  (seems like a fad), but at least they are making money off Facebook. Why can't FB do the same? To be honest, Suckerberg would have done better spending money buying Zynga than buying Intragram.

Fri, 05/25/2012 - 17:24 | 2463766 sunaJ
sunaJ's picture

 

 

Dear Mark,

 

Get out with your money while you can.

 

Your eternal first friend,

Tom Anderson

MySpace

Fri, 05/25/2012 - 21:20 | 2464245 TheMerryPrankster
TheMerryPrankster's picture

Suggest immediate merger, new company to be called MySpaceBook. Initial IPO @ 78.00, 1st acquisition to be Nigerian Email Scams.inc. -  will provide bold revenue stream exploiting social networking opportunities.

2nd acquisition Citigroup, to be renamed FaceBank, guaranteed revenue stream hacking user identities and credit card info through 3rd acquisition BackOrifice2012.

Suggest bundling ipos into tranches and getting s&p to rate AAA, securitize and sell to pension funds and sovereign funds,start market for shorting these securitized IPO tranches and bet both sides through heavy leveraging.

To the moon, Alice, to the moon. Its a rocket by the tail and all we gotta do is light it.

Fri, 05/25/2012 - 23:53 | 2464482 phyuckyiu
phyuckyiu's picture

So not only is Zuck going to bump up your popularity for the right fee, as proposed recently, he will charge your X the $5 to crop you out of the picture when you're done. I know my X is good for the fiver, so that has to be good enough for ummm.... at least a 20 cent rise in stock price.

Sat, 05/26/2012 - 01:54 | 2464654 Oh regional Indian
Oh regional Indian's picture

Bacically I just realized that all this is just a set-up for Twitter. The next great swindle.

It is seen by all as a well run company, with excellent advertising potential, regular, almost manic usage, traffic, tons of traffic.

And imagien this, if Dysfunctional FadeBook is/was worth 100 Bills at the gate, what will Twitter be worth?

I wonder how much private investment in Twitter is from the same gang of insiders?

Twitter is next, I feel it, or rather can hear it, in my ears...

twit...twit....

ori

twit-twit-2hooo

Sat, 05/26/2012 - 12:45 | 2465506 veyron
veyron's picture

Twitter is waiting patiently ... its time will come

Fri, 05/25/2012 - 22:05 | 2464331 Buck Johnson
Buck Johnson's picture

LOL, that is true so true.  They seem to If Mark doesn't get out while he can he will lose everything.

Fri, 05/25/2012 - 22:06 | 2464332 alagon
alagon's picture

He's going to sell Facebook to the CIA or the FBI.

Sat, 05/26/2012 - 01:08 | 2464594 caconhma
caconhma's picture

It is their baby. It is their subcontractor.

Fri, 05/25/2012 - 17:27 | 2463772 Colombian Gringo
Colombian Gringo's picture

The only thing funnier than the IPO is looking at Zuckerberg and realizing he is the ultimate product of 2000 years of inbreeding, the super tribesman now holding the record for screwing the most goy out of the largest sum of money in the shortest period of history. He is supreme master of the cattle slaughterhouse.

Fri, 05/25/2012 - 17:59 | 2463833 Joe The Plumber
Joe The Plumber's picture

I dont know

Didnt Madoff rip off a few cattle (goyim) too?

Of course he also committed the unforgivable sin of ripping off members of the Chosen People, the self designated master race

Fri, 05/25/2012 - 20:06 | 2464094 FEDbuster
FEDbuster's picture

"Zucked" will replace "Corzined" as my new favorite adjective.

Fri, 05/25/2012 - 22:09 | 2464339 adr
adr's picture

Just make it Corzucked.

Sat, 05/26/2012 - 02:13 | 2464680 1984
1984's picture

Zuckcored sounds better though.

Fri, 05/25/2012 - 23:56 | 2464487 phyuckyiu
phyuckyiu's picture

Actually Maddy appealed to clients by saying he wouldn't screw over his own tribe, which is why his kids had to die and he will pay dearly.

Fri, 05/25/2012 - 18:44 | 2463926 potlatch
potlatch's picture

Either that, or the trilaterals....

 

http://www.quickmeme.com/meme/3pg80e/

Fri, 05/25/2012 - 19:08 | 2463973 LasVegasDave
LasVegasDave's picture

Yid envy is such a bore

now go sweep out the basement, shabbas goy

Fri, 05/25/2012 - 19:51 | 2464053 tamboo
tamboo's picture

pucker up for lucifer's aersehole devilboy.

 

The Synagogue of Satan
Fri, 05/25/2012 - 20:03 | 2464082 LasVegasDave
LasVegasDave's picture

Thanks for the interesting read.

Most Yids are Khazarian Turks,

And have no "right" to the land of Israel.

They took it through guile, politics and maintain it through force.

And this makes them different from the original American colonists, Soviets, Red Chinese, Australians and Conquistadors, how?

Even if every vile, jew hating comment you post is true, it still doesnt explain why on this earthly realm you are a loser and so many Yids are winners.

Fri, 05/25/2012 - 20:10 | 2464101 john39
john39's picture

that depends on your definition of winner...  but you can't see that, can you...

Fri, 05/25/2012 - 20:11 | 2464106 Colombian Gringo
Colombian Gringo's picture

Simple, Yids are smarter than everyone else. Bet you guys thought I was a (gosh) anti-semite.

 

http://www.americancivilrightsreview.com/africanfailure.html

Sat, 05/26/2012 - 00:10 | 2464497 phyuckyiu
phyuckyiu's picture

I see your Hasbara Troll Alert guided you to another chosen one thread, since you never show up at any other time. Soon the dog will be dead, the fleas will have to find a new host, and China has plans for your fiat con game, it won't be pretty.

Sat, 05/26/2012 - 08:47 | 2465024 LasVegasDave
LasVegasDave's picture

Wow, another one.

Thanks for making me aware of the Hasbara project.  Never heard of it, so had to look it up.

You're right, no other country, company or individual spends money on PR.

Its just those evil Yids.

Now go back to writing your Gobbels dissertation asshole

Fri, 05/25/2012 - 21:19 | 2464243 GOSPLAN HERO
GOSPLAN HERO's picture

Zuckerberg got jewed by NASDAQ.

Sat, 05/26/2012 - 00:42 | 2464546 Cosimo de Medici
Cosimo de Medici's picture

2000 years of inbreeding?

Perhaps a religious person on this site can enlighten me, but if I read Genesis I can't see Cain and Abel finding prom dates in another Garden, so I think this species was screwed by inbreeding right from the get go.  That's my excuse anyway.

Fri, 05/25/2012 - 17:28 | 2463773 vast-dom
vast-dom's picture

FACEBOOK, CREATED BY DOUCHEBAGS FOR DOUCHEBAGS, EXCLUSIVELY.

 


Fri, 05/25/2012 - 18:54 | 2463946 CharlieSDT
CharlieSDT's picture

Hilarious.

Fri, 05/25/2012 - 20:37 | 2464151 Itch
Itch's picture

Amen to that, there is a disturbing irony that the "social network" was designed by introverted geeks who couldn’t look you in the eye if their mothers life depended on it. I met an old punk recently who used to live on my street, as kids we always thought he was great, he’s around 40 now... he says to me, using particularly fabulous mannerisms, "ARENT YOU ON FACEBOOK YET??!!". Yawn. What a crock of shite.

Fri, 05/25/2012 - 23:32 | 2464456 vast-dom
vast-dom's picture

SEX PISTOLS -> PUBLIC IMAGE LIMITED -> SOCIAL NETWORKING (MANAGING YOUR PUBLIC IMAGE AND GETTING SOME)

 

BOTTOM LINE: EVERYONE JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED AND APPRECIATED. THE JERKOFFS AND DOUCHEBAGES PREFER FACEBOOK.

Fri, 05/25/2012 - 18:57 | 2463949 rotagen
rotagen's picture

I can't stand this guy's face.  He looks like every Starbucks swilling, strip mall inhabiting brain-dead pawn (pod) in this united states of israel.

Sat, 05/26/2012 - 04:35 | 2464811 TWSceptic
TWSceptic's picture

Yeah, just make sure you don't use their advertising program to do that. I tried that and it failed miserably.

Sat, 05/26/2012 - 20:16 | 2466307 Atlantis Consigliore
Atlantis Consigliore's picture

MAD;  what me worry, i own stocks in fraud street....LOL

http://meganandtimmy.com/2012/03/15/164365-mad-busy/

 

Fri, 05/25/2012 - 17:13 | 2463747 blunderdog
blunderdog's picture

Next time you see that cover, they'll darken his complexion and add a bit of stubble.

Fri, 05/25/2012 - 17:26 | 2463770 The Gooch
The Gooch's picture

and an orange jumpsuit and/or some rope. 

Fri, 05/25/2012 - 17:29 | 2463774 Colombian Gringo
Colombian Gringo's picture

and if anyone  states the obvious, that he is jewish, then they are an automatic racist.

Fri, 05/25/2012 - 17:50 | 2463816 whstlblwr
whstlblwr's picture

If we state obvious that you're CIA, then what? All these pronouncements of end of Facebook sound like envy to me. Shit, the IPO's only out for one week and now the crybaby bankers are suing for their money back because their get rich quick money scheme failed. Fuck you bankers scum.

Fri, 05/25/2012 - 18:01 | 2463840 Joe The Plumber
Joe The Plumber's picture

Of course we are envious of the chosen people. They have honed their skills thru millenia. We goyim are just noobs in comparison

Fri, 05/25/2012 - 19:53 | 2464059 tamboo
Fri, 05/25/2012 - 21:22 | 2464250 whstlblwr
whstlblwr's picture

Yeah, the CIA tries to deflect their work by blaming the Jews. I've read all about it.

Fri, 05/25/2012 - 22:08 | 2464337 Vampyroteuthis ...
Vampyroteuthis infernalis's picture

Blue eyed Jew? Don't buy it.

Fri, 05/25/2012 - 18:24 | 2463888 Dingleberry
Dingleberry's picture

it's a bit more complicated than simply crooked banksters losing money.....no sympathy here for them as they are also thieves. But read and study why they are pissed. Hint: the secretive internal info portend a slowdown in earnings compared to what was publicly stated.   And for an IPO priced at an ungodly PE ratio.....look out below!!!!!!!

Fri, 05/25/2012 - 19:14 | 2463982 Acorn10012
Acorn10012's picture

A fool and his money are soon parted.

Fri, 05/25/2012 - 20:14 | 2464113 El Oregonian
El Oregonian's picture

A fool and his reason are soon conjoined.

Sat, 05/26/2012 - 05:42 | 2464857 Kobe Beef
Kobe Beef's picture

A fool was lucky to get his hands on that money in the first place.

Fri, 05/25/2012 - 21:20 | 2464246 whstlblwr
whstlblwr's picture

Not that complicated. Do you always believe what you read. What about Amazon PE, Priceline PE? The crybaby little bankers are just pissed off they didn't get their quick pay off.

Fri, 05/25/2012 - 22:03 | 2464328 BLOTTO
BLOTTO's picture

And notice how the T I 'M' E - 'M' is nicely in the middle of his forehead like devil horns... add that with the stubble and a long foo man choo beard and there ya go...

Fri, 05/25/2012 - 17:16 | 2463748 MarsInScorpio
MarsInScorpio's picture

Truly humorous.

 

So who wants to get in on the office pool betting on how many, and how soon, some poor smuck takes the fall and goes to jail? (Betting on zero is allowed . . .)

-30-

Fri, 05/25/2012 - 17:14 | 2463749 Yellowhoard
Yellowhoard's picture

Lolmfaoyolowtf

Fri, 05/25/2012 - 17:16 | 2463750 marcus popus
marcus popus's picture

What's wrong? He started a company from nothing, then sold it for billions. He needs to RUN with the money. Funny article though!

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