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As Broke Bankia Runs Out Of Toasters, It Has A Bold Solution: A Spiderman Beach Towel
A week ago we tweeted, jokingly, or so we thought, the following:
Rumor Europe has run out of toasters to hand out with new checking accounts
— zerohedge (@zerohedge) May 24, 2012
As it turns out it was no joke. Because instead ot the Generally Accepted Depositor Principles bauble generically handed out to witless investors, what Bankia is now resorting to is... a Spiderman Beach Towel in exchange for a €300 deposit.
The below "incentive" to to "run away with the exclusive towel of Spider-Man" is not google translated. It is CTRL-C/V'ed directly from the official Bankia website. Seriously.
It enters Bankia and it discovers your superpowers
If you have the Cuenta Joven and you want to discover what superpowers have, just have to enter Bankia.
SUPERBE ABLE TO PLAYERO (How to achieve the towel)
If you do not want stay stuck to the sand of the beach, you will have to increase € 300 the balance of your Cuenta Joven in order to be able to run away with the exclusive towel of Spider-Man. That is, when it finishes the month have to have€ 300 more than the previous month.
At the end of the month will watch the total "My First Account " balances and "Cuenta Joven " and we will assign the promotional gift at 20,000 clients with great balance that month. To be clearer, will check the increase of€ 300 these days:
31 May with respect to 30 April 2012 30 June with respect to 31 May 2012 31 July with respect to 30 June 2012If you corresponds the towel, you will arrive at your usual branch throughout the promotion and them will communicate it to you.
AS TO PARTICIPATE IN THE PRIZE DRAWS
Only will have to have a balance equal to or more than€ 300 in your Cuenta Joven at the close of every promotionalmonth. For every€ 50 of balance that you have in your Cuenta Joven you will give a point to achieve:
1,050 Entrances: 50 for the premiere (pending date) and 1,000 for the film (6 July in cinemas). Balance ?€ 300 on 31 May 12 Consoles PS Vita + game. Balance ?€ 300 on 30 June Trip to New York with hotel in Manhattan 4 people so that invite whom want. Balance ?€ 300 on 31 JulyIf you have a balance higher than€ 300 in those 3 dates, participated in all prize draws
We will send you for mail numbers of prize draw with which have participated. We will publish on the website the winning numbers of each prize draw and if result awarded person will get in touch with you.
Recuerda that your Cuenta Joven is free, between other advantages, when belonging to the group "Bankia WITHOUT commissions"
Valid promotion of 15/05/12 to 31/07/12, inclusive for "My First Account " or "Cuenta Joven "titleholders, that they fulfill all demanded requirements in notarial bases. Limited articles to 20,000 uds/month. Prize draw for balances ?€ 300 to 31/05: 525 double entrances. Date prize draw 12/06/12. Prize draw for balances ?€ 300 to 30/06: 12 PS Vita. Date prize draw 12/07/12. Prize draw for balances ?€ 300 to 31/07: 1 trip to New York. Date prize draw 13/08/12. The prize will be subject to the taxation in force and it will will be assumed by the client in the corresponding PERSONAL INCOME TAX statement. See full conditions of the promotion in the deposited Bases in the presence of a notary and available in Bankia branches and here
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Typical zombie trap. You will have your towel but you will not have your face.
No way do I deposit anything without an ECB guarantee.
Biggest WTF moment of the year?
Whan all else fails. call in the super heros. Last hope=NO HOPE!
What, a REAL spiderman towel?
Bargain...
Yeah, none of the fake, printed, fiat, towels...
Don't they know that Spidey is radioactive and toxic!
They should be handing out cyanide capsules.
To upper management and the marketing morons who thought up this stupid promotion. Oh... and to whoever translated the text to English.
I dunno ... the way the Euro is going, the Spiderman towel might end up being worth more in the not so distant future.
When they get desperate enough to throw in a long-vacant condo in Andalucia along with the towel, I may agree to their money-holding terms.
Hell, I'll keep €1.000 on deposit if they give me a condo near a nice golf course.
Beach Towlz beachez!
When they start handing out bitches and/or blow, I'll consider it...bitchez
With a little work you can hang yourself with a Spiderman Beach Towel. Wonder if they were made in China?
Hmm, towels can't make toast! :>D
No need to go to such lethal extremes when a twisted up (preferrably wet) Spidey towel will get the message across quite nicely. And there will be a lot of them sitting around.
You have to pay TAX on the towel?!!
Sorry, I read the small print - I'm a sucker for offers like this...
; )
(Incidentally, for any ZH readers desperate to get their hands on a towel, Kellogs are giving them away with 3 boxes of cornflakes plus £1.20 postage.) In fact, buying a few boxes of cornflakes for when things get bad would be a pretty good idea - better than making a deposit with a bank.
They are handing out towels because they know their clients are GONNA TAKE A BATH.
Just about wet my pants with this one.
Therefore you need a towel. I happen to know where you can get one....
Douglas Adams had this nailed years ago.
Aside from the answer to the eternal question being, 42.
And Spiderman towels, because they are hanging on by a thread.
Of course you have to pay tax on the towel. Where the hell have you been living the last 30 years? You technically have to pay US tax on the difference between the market value of the towel and its discount value, but they haven't figured out how to police this deminimis value for the time being. Look for 1099's to rear their ugly head for amounts less than $600 yet again in the future.
Saw the same thing..."its free"..."you won"..."lucky you"...pay up.
Imputed "income" to be taxed bitchez.
I would not deposit WITH a guarantee.
Oh, what a tangled web they weave..
Chase is handing out ballpoint pens
at least chase handing out 150$ for a direct deposit still shows that they can print and hand out fiat money to guarantee those derivative positions...
Pens are lethal if aimed properly and executed with follow through.
You can't hang yourself with a pen.
Love the scene in Grosse Pointe Blank when Martin kills his would-be-assassin by stabbing him in the carotid artery with a promotional pen.
Deceivers, stupified through fable, let's make a deal at the dinner table. Put you on tour, put your record on wax, sign your life on the X. You exit, x-off, but what you really get: a box of Newports, and Puma sweats.
-3rd Bass - The Gas Face
But won't everybody on the beach who sees my towel know that I'm a bloody half-wit?
Jeezus.
Singing:
La Cucaracha
La Cucaracha
Ya no puede ahorrar...
Porque no tiene,
Porque le falta:
El trabajo para'l bienestar.
What is it? spot the difference...
That game is more fun when Im drunk, and when the pictures are naked girls.
Guess you had to think twice about posting that!
Is there a LOBO mug option?
They're taking it to a whole new level!!! Where do I sign up?
Wouldn't John Carter towels be more appropriate?
Halifax in the UK is giving away 100,000 pounds to three lucky 'winners' every month. I'd still prefer a beach towel however is it me or are banks turning into bingo halls with free prize giveaways? What a sad state of affairs...
The beach towels are no doubt of Chinese origin, further aiding the downfall of the Spanish economy.
This proves that even small deposits do matter to these fuckers in the aggregate.
... or Bankia accepted beach towels as collateral for a loan to a Spanish beachfront developer.
Only available to the first 20,000...lol
I thought they needed closer to 6 billion euro.
Maybe they need a little extra for Goirigolzarri's retirement...
Actually I prefer Super Girl.
Then again......I am a Deviated Pre-vert.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ud9zBKJJQe4
You mean aside from the Gold fetish?
A man's gotta have a few vices left for Mrs. Cog to clean up. :)
Actually I prefer Silver to Gold. I watch Gold because Gold is the rabbit and Silver is the greyhound. I can't wait til the greyhound begins to close the distance on the rabbit.
And..........we're off.
You sound like you had your Wheaties this morning...
LOL - coincidently, your biggest vice being that you can't stop fixing broken toasters (and computers, and houses and cars...)
BTW Spidey rocks. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4o29VoxtsFk
Comic book characters never grow old... :>D
I want this:
http://www.barkindogclothes.com/girl_towel.JPG
why not vice versa? give them a towel and they give you a €300 deposit? ;-)
at least some assets ;-)
I would prefer to get a big Dogo Argentine dog for my €300 deposit.
Probably because the towel is worth more than most their assets
The towel may be worth more before long.
i laughed....then i cried
Can you eat iTowel...
NO, but you can cover yourself when the tide goes out.
Froody.
i really dont know whether to cry or laugh
Cry until you start laughing, that's what I do. And who is that down-tic troll on here today? A CNBC plant? Cramer assistant?
probably the facebook guy from yesterday is still mad at us ;)
"You're fired"
~ J Jonah Jameson
"Oh right, you're unfired, get back here!"
That's One expensive Beach Towel!
OK ZH time to scoop up the trolls and banish them to the front porch.
I think Ruttrow is the annoying fuck who is junking everyone.
Maybe Spidee will save Europe?
They need some sort of super hero.
If they had a Spider-Pig towel, I'd deposit my.. um.. those 300 um... C's with the equal sign in it.. whatever that is.
In stylish banker fashion.....it's a paper beach towel.
I loved the good old days when the bankster gave out toasters and that pretty much says it all for the failed banking system
Oh the irony...
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=spiderman
Hope their Spanish copy is better...
..This raises funds and stops a B-R how exactly?
Tyler's level of prescience is entering The Onion territory. When you can't make up a joke more absurd than the rabbit the Cabal pulls out of a hat...
Can't Spanish people write proper English?
The towel will be worth more than the money soon enough.
It's not worth much. That towel is a counterfeit made by a Chinese company using cotton soaked in toxic chemicals.
Keep your dirty stinking filthy hands off of my Cuenta Joven
I've learned to trust the Tyler's, and a lot of times now I don't bother checking the source for their posts. I've lurked long enough to know that I don't have to. That being said this was one of those times where I really couldn't believe that this was true.
Only thing that comes to mind is
Fuck me...
Even funnier, I ran the Spanish version of the page through google translate to see if that's what they did, but no, someone seemingly wrote this by hand (or used a different translator),
The Spidermans wind up in management, while the Masters Of The Universe wind up at a commercial trading desk.
Yeah, but just wait until the Avengers show up en masse.
I love it when the bank throws in the towel
Damn, I wish I'd said that first...
Possibly the best one-liner ever on ZH.
Bullish for Disney and the ultimately the Dow.. Bernanke is a genius
Bullish for Disney and the ultimately the Dow.. Bernanke is a genius
The EU cammode is full............ yet still no big, f'n, flush anywhere. When is Dow -500, Dax -300 day, etc going to finally show. Me thinks NEVER!
You'd think a Bank Guarantee would be more effective than a beach towel.
I'd like a Goldmember towel please.
All your Goldmember towels are belong to us.
Slightly offtopic, but the Dick towel would be pretty funny as well.
awesome!
btw, it was a fellow zhealot who recommended 'sunny in...'; and, now that i have cable, i'd like to pass along a big thank you (whomsoever you may be). funniest new show on the tube. devito strikes again!
but, fuck a bunch of dick towels....the kitten mitten will compel depositers like brains for a zombie.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=47D9-U8hn5I
IS YOUR CAT TOO LOUD?!?
I'd prefer a free rifle. But seriously if they need about $24 billion to shore up their balance sheet at $375 per deposit per towel they'll need to give out 64 million towels. Do they have space to store them all?
heck with spiderman ....I would like a zerohedge icon on my towel. ;-)
They ain't got no towel, but they got a thong ;-)
given the demographics here, not a pretty thought.
There are some of the female persuasion that haunt this joint. Otherwise why would they sell a thong for women? Smart women they be too.
This is fucking awesome - only 300 EUR for a spiderman beach towel! And it should totally fix Bankia's solvency issues.
Shoulda been the Black Widow model
I like the real good ol' days when banks in the US would give you a hunting rifle ( in today's climate an AR-15 or AK-47 might be a better choice) when you opened a $2500 money market account. Gone forever, I fear. :-(
Wow, times have changed.
Nowadays you're lucky if you don't have to pay "service fees" every month for the bank, even though they are just going to loan out your money for 10x its worth. Thank you fractional reserve.
Don't you just love the banking system??
Not to be too anal but you mispelled a term. "Fractional reserve" should read "Fictional."
You need to upgrade your universal translator.
Cartons of individual packages of Tide would be a better idea. It is commonly used as currency from Venice, CA to London.
Now show us how Spidey climbs the debt tower.
I'm guessing there's no happy ending...
I fear depositors have another idea for Spiderman when they come into a Spanish Bank
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=spider%20man
This Zucherbergs
This is a brilliant idea
The Germans are always first with their towels on the prime beach locations in Spain.
It's quite clear to me. Just hand over 300 euros and you will run away with the towel of Spider-Man. What's the big deal?
that's not a spideman towel, even in spain
this is zH! i'm looking to get one like at kohl's for $10-$15 and see this? i want the spidey towel, but haven't had the balls to steal it, yet
i have 2 spidey tumblers and 2 captainAmerica and they're marvelTM with the characters on the box 2O1O sets; $5.99/set at Ross. i have the receipt and i'll never open the boxes! the povenance is amazing b/c i bought them after taking msZ to the plane back to baltimore! then we spent 8 months nuking each other long-distance till i finally finished her0ff
i just got them out and looked at them! they might get dusty if i leave them out... i'm gonna buy the towel; i need a new towel anyhow, for the coast... and to put these boxes on next time i get them out...
the banksters have fiat fuking spiderman towels, too
even slewie can't make this shit up. these towels aren't evenReal! Flee! Flee!
Satire meets reality.
Satire loses.
Must have said "Stop" or gone limp.
If you're gonna get soaked, you may as well have a towel.
Next promo item - a full frontal Angela Merkel towel with this little vinyl-lined hole about 2/3 of the way down (but you have to turn the towel over to get the full effect.)
Or ZH logo engraved on Glock slide-cover plates.
Make it Kimber, and I'll take one!
Could be worse, a Bernankeman beach towel.
Now that would scare the kids.
that's it!
we have a winner!
instead of minting the $1Trillion coin, and monetizing it, make 5 bernanke towels with different "designs" (wB7 gets to do one) and put them in the smithsonian; have them made thru the USMint, and monetize them
no debt! just towels! we can do this!
if, when the $5Tril is gonzo, these shitheads haven't stopped indebting us (if $1 Tril/ year isn't enuf to satiate them), they must all surrender and accept the death penalty, no questions asked
or, we can negotiate another 5-year plan for our comrade banksters, comrade BiCheZ! win-win!
now let's get those towels ready for the first unCTRL+P
The Bank should do a cross-promotion with South Park
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=77TbTNRQFNY
Alternatively, you could take every towel in Spain, lay them end to end, and cover the entire 116 square miles of Omaha, Nebraska.
Actually, one of the funnier scenes in Mallorca (one of the Spanish Ballaeric Islands in the Med) is when German tourists try to "reserve" lounge chairs around the pool by hanging their towels over the chairs while they go about doing other things ... the other big tourist population are the Brits, who basically come along and toss aside the towels so they can lounge around the pool. This is the modern re-enactment of WWII.
...and they were hung from the light poles with spiderman beachtowels, their innards hanging out for all the world to see.
LMFAO. Best post (and commentary) for the year.
Better than a Biderman towel.
It is feeling like Friday afternoon here - good work ZHers!
So I get a towel as collateral for a EUR300 deposit. That's weird.
The towel's been rehypothicated. So, no, not really.
So the towel gets passed around among the 20,000 lucky recipients? Gee, did that last guy just floss himself?
At Dexia you could win up to 1kg gold ! They had gold foil everywhere, doors, ATM's. I have never found out who actually won it, they probably gave the winner Dexia stocks instead.
Ferro-Tungsten is going for about $55 per pound, so for about $130 or so (depending on the concentration of W in that sample) they can talk you out of how much of your money?
Every day something baffingly stupider than the last, learn something new every day. zh is gilliamesque for high finance. Actually sometimes better than tits,..... sometimes.
http://youtu.be/8nruUwYobgM
Shit, ain't even a Spiderman towel. You see Spiderman on that motherfucker? I don't. Man, austerity kicking in even with the superhero towels.
You won't be laughing when the Vogons show up...
With great power comes great responsibility.
come on, Tyler...i could believe this if it weren't true.
for the less credulous, here's footage of the most current ECB effort to provide 'liquidity'.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nBeUGqeYsQg
bottoms up!
janus
#POMOlist
I was sunning myself on my new promotional beach towel, enjoying a tuna salad sandwich and dreaming of Eurobonds when on the local radio station, JOYZ2AI-FM, 80.7FM on the dial, a tune began to play
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4o29VoxtsFk
Is Bankia a sperm bank? Then the towel makes sense...
That's more than I ever got from my bank. At least Spanish banks are finally coming to grips with their problems compared to US banks. We'll see if JPM is handing out towels when its derivatives and silver all crash.
Deposit 300 Euros or 378 dollars and recieve this Spiderman towel.
Sir that was Monday.
Sorry deposit 300 Euros or 375 dollars and ....
That was Tuesday sir.
Okay 300 euros or 372 dollars ........
This morning sir
300 Euros or 369 dollars?
I don't think it will hold sir.
Look we really don't want any Euro's - what you got?
...so the pimps are selling an entire generation of Christine Ladisregard children http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DwLgHurE11w for the S&P 666 Spider, add the 300 Debt Note price of ...throwing in the towel. How charming,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aMlP0sHJW5E&feature=relmfu
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