Bruno Iksil's Guide To Surviving The Status Quo: Baffle Them With Bullshit

Tyler Durden's picture

Say what you will about JPM's soon to be former employee (once the IG trade complex is fully unwound... sometime in 2013) Bruno Iksil, but you don't get to run up a several hundred billions notional CDS book (and blow it up) by being stupid. No, Bruno was certainly not stupid. In fact, he has reportedly exhibited precisely the very same brilliant trait that Europe's also very smart central-planners, as well as all other people in positions of power under the current status quo regime, demonstrate day in and day out: "Baffle With Bullshit."

From the WSJ:

Mr. Iksil once confided to the colleague that when he wanted to avoid questions from supervisors about his trades, he sometimes would start discussing a mathematical term, equation or other technical jargon, to confuse and end the conversation. "He wasn't trying to evade, he sometimes just didn't have patience if it was his trading idea," the colleague said.

And there it is. As we have been saying for well over a year now, the only real policy that the sinking ship has left is just this: use big words, inject some jargon, sounds confident, and hope and pray you are not called out on it, or else one must pull a Juncker and say they were only "lying." Sadly, with more and more intelligent voices out there, who no longer wish to be part of the broken system, "baffle them with bullshit" no longer works as an exit strategy.

Time to come up with some new.

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battle axe's picture

The traders did the same shit when the MBS market blew up. "Intrinsic Value" ie: we are fucked. 

Gringo Viejo's picture

Corrollary From The Book of Murphy: "It doesn't matter what you say, as long as you keep talking."......Anonymous US Air Force Colnel.

Blankenstein's picture

Yep.  And make sure you say it as smoothly as possible.   Just add a few buzz words or phrases and the sheep think it's high-grade.  Some say Ron Paul isn't a great speaker, well, it is MUCH harder to speak off the cuff about Fed policy, economics and the constitution, than to read from a teleprompter or repeat memorized genralizations.  

My fantasy: A three way debate between Paul, Obama and Romney with no teleprompters or prepared questions; just a discussion of the economy, Fed, etc. 

ACP's picture

Dammit! Why does that work for billion dollar losses and financial crimes, but not when I get pulled over?

ArkansasAngie's picture

Baffling with horse manure seems to be getting easier than ever..



AccreditedEYE's picture

It worked for Corzine.... till it didn't.

Tijuana Donkey Show's picture

It worked awesome for him, everyone else got fucked! 

ghenny's picture

Its still working for Corzine.  Do you seem him in jail or being sued?

Dingleberry's picture

Don't count Corzine out. I suspect he will be running another fund of some sort, or maybe become an ambassador.  Remember, he MADE money working for MotherFUcking Global. He may have gave some back, but even banks give back a fraction of their thefts with "fines" n' shit.

GeneMarchbanks's picture

Welcome. The human condition.

firstdivision's picture

I'm sure all he did was discuss nothing more complex than the Pythagorean Theorem.  Management is usually not up to that level of math.

financial apocalyptic contagion's picture

no way they got higher than high school algebra

francis_sawyer's picture

according to HeroDOTUS, 'Pythagoreanism' was akin to a religion... Reeks of 'Keynesiansm' to me... OR WORSE... 'KEYNANIASISM'...

pkea's picture

he went to the Ecole centrale paris. hmmm....most likely and at best it was pythagorean theorem


I wonder who is he sleeeping with to stay where he is....

midgetrannyporn's picture

Iksil proves once again that if you have enough weight to force a paper profit you get huge bonuses without sharing in the inevitable losses. Fund Manager 101.

Killer the Buzzard's picture

The irony is that Junker displays the greatest honesty by admitting he is lying.

LULZBank's picture

He was actually lying about that too.

Was just trying to confuse everyone.

ZeroPower's picture

A biased opinion for sure, but typically credit traders are by far the smartest of the bunch on the S&T floor. Textbook-smart, of course.

SheepDog-One's picture

Send looyah's, guns, and moneez!

LULZBank's picture

use big words, inject some jargon, sounds confident, and hope and pray you are not called out on it,

My manager did that with me once, trying to get me to do something that was his accountability and I replied, "you dont have a fucking clue, do you?" (with the F word).

He then complained I was not a team player.

cougar_w's picture

he was right, you are not a team player.

Good on you :) That team is now totally fweked up.

BankRiot's picture

Max Keiser says via twitter that the JPM losses have to do with them trying to cover their silver shorts.

He says our buying physical silver has forced JPM to try and cover.

Check Max's twitter feed:

Itch's picture

Keiser has entered an irreversible psychosis with his silver gibberish. RIP Keiser’s brain cell.

ZeroPower's picture

Keiser is a fool who holds a longstanding chip on his shoulder against JPM ever since his days on WS (yes, he was a trader). Except what people don't know is what comes down the grapevine from someone who's at my firm currently that actually used to work with him - i.e., he was obsessed, literally obsessed with everything and anything JPM "back in the day". Won't go more into detail, but don't believe everything out of is mouth, and realize there's a reason why he hates that bank 100x more than any other WS firm.

Not here defending JPM as i could care less if they fail on Monday, but just realize his constant whining about the epic JPM silver short is completely out of his crazy imagination.

LULZBank's picture

My take on Traders gone anti-financial system and Wall street is that, they dont exactly hate the system but just the fact that they could'nt benefit from the system as they had expected.

Except for some traders, who have totally abandoned the paper financial markets and earning a respectable living.

DeadFred's picture

The one trader I know who quit wall street made a lot of money but realized he couldn't continue helping his company steal the clients money. Left the business to save his soul and is now happy as a clam pounding nails and building real things instead of illusions. Clearly he was not made of Wall Street material.

On topic, a nagging question keeps bugging me when Iksil's trade is discussed, what needs to happen for the position to become really profitable? The related question is can JPM make it happen? Don't trust Dimon when he says it was a mistaken position, he's a snake and lies are native to his forked tongue.

Itch's picture

Employer :what's 29078 x 17875 you dumb fuck, answer within 10 seconds or you dont get the job.

Interviewee: it’s, erm…

Employer: HURRY THE FUCK UP! 9, 8, 7 ,6 …

Interviewee: Its, erm… 519769250.

Employer: Wrong sucker, get out.

Interviewee: ok.

cougar_w's picture

Employer :what's 29078 x 17875 you dumb fuck, answer within 10 seconds or you dont get the job.

Interviewee: What?

Employer: HURRY THE FUCK UP! 9, 8, 7 ,6 …

Interviewee: Seriously? Wow how did I end up in a Dilbert strip? Aren't you supposed to have like pointy hair or something?

Employer: Wrong sucker, get out.

Interviewee: You sir are insane. I wouldn't work here on a bet.

LULZBank's picture

Employer :what's 29078 x 17875 you dumb fuck, answer within 10 seconds or you dont get the job.

Interviewee: You call me a dumb fuck one more time and I'll break your fucking legs.

Employer: Correct answer. You're hired.

Itch's picture

Employer: wrong sucker. Send in the blonde on your way out.

FrozenOut's picture

Exactly what's wrong with the US interviewing process...

Interviewer: What's the answer to <insert problem I only know the answer too cos somebody else told me it>?

Interviewer: What's the answer to <insert problem with no known solution>? (Cos I'm interested in learning about your thought processes.)

Interviewer: What's the answer to <insert problem that can only be solved by a cute trick and has nothing to do with your job>?

FYI, the purpose of the standardized examination system is to demonstrate, in a controlled environment, what the degree of book-learning a candidate has.

Dburn's picture

" FYI, the purpose of the standardized examination system is to demonstrate, in a controlled environment, what the degree of book-learning a candidate has."


One point of disagreement :
  the purpose of the standardized examination system is to demonstrate, in a controlled environment that our current educational system isn't working by  designing the test to  demonstrate beyond any doubt that Goldman Sachs should make Kazillions taking 1000s of educational web sites public with zero regulation and no due diligence (all with ties to Facebook), while JP Morgan issues Educational Credit Cards with a 44% APR compounded every millisecond tied directly into the "payment Gateway" towards a guaranteed future of deadly serfdom.  All of which will lead to the coveted  stamp of the Congressional Seal of Approval under the    HS-Work Force Submission bill

Which states in part;  "It has been proven to this congress that Productivity in today's work environment has a direct Correlation to how many dead bloated corpses are out on the street while concurrently making the bullwhip timing  app and Bullwhip itself a integral part of today's working environment. Therefore and pursuant to making America more competitive ;
C1: All Students, past students, parents, and other immediate family will be subject to summary execution for any member of the family defaulting on student loans issued by The Nations Capital: JP Morgan/Chase.
C2: HS Bill Student Collateralized Debt Obligations (SCDO) and Student Credit Default Swaps (SCDS), 2012;  No regulation. No open exchanges, and only those who have a super Bloomberg 10 Million a month terminals will be allowed to trade them.  However in a nod to the outraged former 1%, ETFs will be issued exclusively by GS and JPM  complete with Options for those people who still think the market isn't rigged.  ; -[|]
C3: All Airports will now be named Rubin  Intra-National.
C4: All Street Names will be Named Fuck Brooksly Born- We did.

"lets be care out there folks" and remember Politics is a Business and Business is damn good.

holdbuysell's picture

Employer :what's 29078 x 17875 you dumb fuck, answer within 10 seconds or you dont get the job.

Interviewee (casually): Whatever you want it to be.

Employer: You're hired.


BankRiot's picture

From Max Keiser:

"Let's not lose sight of the fact; JPM forced into realizing recent losses due to efforts of physical silver buyers causing them to cover."

"At some point when JPM runs out of ammo to defend 3 bn. Oz. naked silver short price will double in one tick."

tahoebumsmith's picture

The sad truth is every action that has been taken will cause us more pain in the future. Remember, followed by nearly every cause comes some sort of effect. Most people will not even be able to grasp the effects this global financial ponzi scheme will have on the them when it collapses. Everytime they create another stimulus or bailout the effect becomes more dangerous. What we are witnessing today is a system that has backed themselves into a corner. The only thing they have left is to create a false economy based on more debt and risk. When the shit finally hits the fan there will be no way to stop its total collapse. If there was ever a time to prepare yourselves for a complete life changing event, the time is now...

adr's picture

You mean like the endless acronyms that come out of every summit.

I lost count of the crazy big worded letter symbol solutions to the ciris in the release from last night.

Something like the EFSF will use the ESM with the help of the ECB to fund the ENMSF in order to pay for the BITA which will somehow help the SPFM make it through the year, in so far that the TSDM is not compromised by the TARP like SVF that may be able to rescue the SERO from the PBE.

I admit I made a lot of those up, but what does that matter, sounds the same to me as what these Euro idiots just signed on to.


Bollixed's picture

You can't use the alphabet to solve problems that are basically simple math problems.

slewie the pi-rat's picture

if it hadn't been for the damned losses, he'd be the next porn star

you hafta be careful with index derivatives;  you can keep "hedging" and getting money back out;  then a long;  then a short play off it to get the money ready for a re-load on the bingo-board with THE OTHER PLAYERS

the fact that there are huge positions does not automatically = liquid markets & price continuity in "trading"

these guys aren't buying a bag of candy at walMart;  like any other board game, you use bad decision-making criteria when buying and selling from the other players and how you set the strike price putting stuff on (on off--not too mucha that here) and you are gonna.lose.yer.fuking.ass.

now, git!

twocents's picture

Fuck you Dimon, I am short your house!

Vince Clortho's picture

Baffling the muppets with BS has been extraordinarily profitable for some time.

This has an irresistable attraction to some people.

Poor Grogman's picture

The muppets are stuffed

Dburn's picture

BTWBS That's pretty standard for any profession that requires at least a working knowledge of the profession specific vocabulary.

Ones that have cost me several fortunes:

1. Electrical Design Engineers. Good rule of thumbs. Double projected price and lead time and cut features in half. Otherwise you have a smoking F-22  coming out of your ass. (Each F-22 made in 46 States with 95,000 employees working on each one)

2. Every Inventor who gets a patent feels they have God given right to billions in royalties . Someone else should take all the risks and pay the profits to them. Then if another competing patent comes out expected to be BS'd by the patent attorneys who would love for you to file a 200G declaratory judgement suit and the engineer explaining why the prior art and his patent invalidates the other patent just as a injunction arrives against selling the product you have stacked to the ceiling with millions invested in manufacturing and marketing.

3. Rule of thumbs for Engineers can usually be upped by 50% for programmers. Three times the projected lead time, 2/5s of the features and a confusing UI from the graphic designers along with heart stopping errors because they were "rushed". It's the overtime that gets ya.


4. Doctors. If you live long enough to hear the excuses why the combination of radical surgery and 5 Million dollars worth of chemo was good for one extra day of life in screaming pain.

5. Brokers repeating traders who repeat TA analysts who said "who would have ever thought that X would happen right in the middle of Y during the Z season that invariably did technical damage to the inverted wazoo, triple asshole top"

6. Pilots: "Wow, I totaled it".

7. Defense Contractors: Dead "pilot error"  Note Keep repeating until 23.7 pilots are killed according to the "National Aeronautical Defense of Contractors board"

8. Politicians: " It is the country's Vital Interests we are concerned about". That means bend the fuck over and take it like a man.

9. Politicians: "We'll if Greenspan, Geithner, Bernanke AND Dimon agree then we have no choice" (they don't do geek language but can get by by blaming the prior administration)

10. Lawyers: "It doesn't say we can't do it" when asking them for a legal opinion.





Me_Myself_and_I's picture

Try something new??

These are bankers.  They are incapable of doing anything different other than what they have always done, which is usually done poorly, and in big sheeplike herds so that no one individual can be held to account for failed bets.

To try and sound the alarm gets you flagged as a troublemaker, someone who's not a team player.. perhaps told outright that maybe this job "isnt the right fit for you.".

The only way that this changes is to make sure they experience direct risk when their decisions bring down the house.  No bailouts, no funding of executive bonuses. 

holdbuysell's picture

"the only real policy that the sinking ship has left is just this: use big words, inject some jargon, sounds confident, and hope and pray you are not called out on it,"

Grant Williams' piece this week covered the same meme: The Emperor has no clothes.

Nuff said.


Excursionist's picture

Said it once already, and I could be wrong... but Iksil reeks of being just an execution guy.  Firing him is like firing one of the welders who worked on a collapsed bridge.

Grand Supercycle's picture

More Equity Rally Expected.

Any traders predicting a multi month equity rally apart from me ?

As of today I am.

Last week was the turning point.

Significant equity upside expected this year according to my analysis.

However the SPX big picture remains very bearish and unfortunately this will not change.