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Can You Afford To Die In America? An Infographic

Tyler Durden's picture


While few want to think about their death, its becoming increasingly popular for folks to prepare for the inevitable by pre-planning their own funerals (we assume a little like England's soccer team yesterday). While cremation is rapidly gaining on straight-up-burial, funeral costs remain high; and despite non-traditional options like 'Angels Flight Inc.' which launches your ashes in fireworks or 'Space Services Inc.' which sends you posthumously into orbit around the moon, the following infographic is a guide to budget-busting your own 'happy-ending'.


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Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:11 | 2559493 cherry picker
cherry picker's picture

The last thing on my mind is worrying about what it cost to die.

Nature can look after me, I have faith I can be recycled back to where I came from.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:20 | 2559533 Manthong
Manthong's picture

All of that presupposes that you are still playing their game when you check out.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:35 | 2559565 sitenine
sitenine's picture

So, since we all know Americans can't afford to live, it's time to ask if they can even afford to die. Turns out, they can't. Let's hope some of them can still afford to pay attention, because the shit is getting real deap, and the current economic circumstances are sure to unleash a swarm of fans (technically known as black swans) very soon.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:59 | 2559670 Skateboarder
Skateboarder's picture

Someday in old age, I will lie in a Redwood forest and pass out one last time and go back to the land from whence I came. That's if the nukes don't get us first. =P

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 18:33 | 2559763 stewmint
stewmint's picture

No you won't, fun to think about, but it never happens that way. Prepare to be intraveniously fed while your should-be-dead-body is kept alive as long as financially possible. And since you likely have insurance, that will be as long as humanly possible.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 19:12 | 2559852 Short Memories
Short Memories's picture

Just feed me to the dogs!

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 23:11 | 2560453 smlbizman
smlbizman's picture

just put me out on tues eve...use a contractor bag....and remember the party not the dead flesh...but honestly i am donating to anyone who wants me or grill me up well done...but as much as i hate this society if an individual can use some parts...enjoy... glad to help...

Tue, 06/26/2012 - 01:03 | 2560609 AldousHuxley
AldousHuxley's picture

time to invest in some funeral homes.


greedy boomers will spend every dime of their children's inheritance on themselves.


customer supply is guaranteed.

Tue, 06/26/2012 - 03:19 | 2560696 malikai
malikai's picture

Nah, dead-end business.

Tue, 06/26/2012 - 05:37 | 2560767 tonyw
tonyw's picture

Soylent Green, we pay top dollar for your corpse, no casket needed!

Tue, 06/26/2012 - 05:56 | 2560774 Gavrikon
Gavrikon's picture

And not-greedy boomers like me will continue to stack as long as possible to give my children the hope of a decent life after I am gone.  But everyone else can go fuck themselves.  I'll take care of my kids, no one else's.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 19:52 | 2559953 Skateboarder
Skateboarder's picture

Do you think it's a fundamental human right to be able to choose to leave? I am a pretty fucken solid scientist - can design a spaceship that will just let me explore the cosmos for as long as my body lasts. If I am to produce my spaceship, have I earned my place to fly?

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 21:55 | 2560256 Conrad Murray
Conrad Murray's picture

DMT is easier.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 22:03 | 2560282 Skateboarder
Skateboarder's picture

Easier doesn't necessarily mean better. I think 40 light years worth of travel may pay off in personal rewards...

Tue, 06/26/2012 - 00:18 | 2560557 CRBull
CRBull's picture

+1 <DMT>




Tue, 06/26/2012 - 03:20 | 2560697 malikai
malikai's picture

Terrance McKenna approves of this message.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 22:21 | 2560356 Edelweiss
Edelweiss's picture

"stewmint", your post shows how clueless you are.  If someone is kept alive as long as possible, it is because it's in accordance with family or patient wishes.  Or it might be the case that it's unknown (the patient is comatose, demented, etc.)  whether they want life sustaining measures.  I have seen countless situations where someone's life is prolonged because they are unable to accept the reality that they are going to die soon despite what treatment consists of.   I recall a recent patient who had a nodular melanoma with metastasis to bone, liver, lung, colon and brain.  At best, a terrible prognosis.   After a cardio workup (at her insistence)  for a heart rate in the 30's, a pacemaker was placed (her decision) the following day.  The procedure and device cost are in the neighborhood of $20K-$25K.  People with, and without insurance receive this kind of intervention.  No one is going to say to her "Mrs Smith, you can't have a pacemaker.  Most likely, you'll die in a few months.  It would be a waste of resources".   How long do you think it would be before a lawsuit was filed by the family?  One other issue involves the uninsured patient who thought it was a good idea to get drunk and take a spin in/on their car, atv, boat, scooter, and/or pogo stick, and end up with brain injuries, broken bones, etc.  It turns out, uninsured people who do dumb shit and get hurt, are not good at paying for their care. Those of us with insurance help pay for those who don't.  That's the reality. 

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 22:54 | 2560417 toady
toady's picture

There is another side though...

My mother is fighting against being forced into a 5k a month nursing home. She saw how they drained every last penny out of her mother, and how she "inexplicably" died right when her money ran out.

She can still fire her .38 at 75 years old. Ain't NOBODY locking her up and draining her accounts!

Tue, 06/26/2012 - 02:01 | 2560653 Joy on Maui
Joy on Maui's picture

Sad but true.  Active in care for the "actively dying" /Hospice, has you learn real quick that the postponement game played under the guise of Christianity is nothing more than one insidious wealth transfer mechanism, albeit the final one - oops, I forgot estate lawyers.


Mon, 06/25/2012 - 18:36 | 2559772 margaris
margaris's picture

"I would request that my body, in death, be buried, not cremated, so that the energy content contained within it gets returned to the earth, so that flora and fauna can dine upon it, just as I have dined upon flora and fauna throughout my whole life."

Neil degrasse tyson

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 19:18 | 2559864 ManOfBliss
ManOfBliss's picture

Uh... yeah... something like that hahaha.... just throw my fucking piece of trash dead body into a hole in the ground.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 21:38 | 2560199 tmosley
tmosley's picture

Mine will be carved up, such that all available organs are donated, with the remainder going to science in some fashion.  There will be nothing left.

I SHOULD be able to pre-sell my remains, as the contents of my body are worth something like $100,000.  But I can't, because morality.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 23:04 | 2560441 toady
toady's picture

My wife and I were at our lawyer's office doing our wills. Do not recessitate, yada, yada, yada.

She starts going on and on with plans for what will no doubt be a very expensive funeral.

When she's done they ask me what I want. "Just throw my body in a ditch with note taped on it that says 'DO NOT RAPE'"

It was one of the few times I saw a lawyer laugh.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 19:11 | 2559846 BigJim
BigJim's picture

Cremation? Burial alongside a bunch of other stiffs?

Just leave your body to science.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 20:14 | 2559989 monoloco
monoloco's picture

I hope to die like my grandpa, peacefully in my sleep, unlike his passengers who were screaming in terror.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 19:18 | 2559866 Taint Boil
Taint Boil's picture



Put your life on a spread sheet ….. your whole life on a 8.5 x 11.0 – yeah, I know, only one sheet. If you are 45 now and you live to 65 [you die when you retire by the way] you only have 20 more Christmases, 20 more thanksgivings, 20 more 4th of Julys….. etc, etc.


Every time I tell someone this they give me the “Deer in the headlight” look and tell me to “F” off.


This should give me some down arrows LOL I hope to give MDB a run for his money – See you in Hell ... 

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 20:51 | 2560086 msamour
msamour's picture

Actually, your statement is quite a sensible revelation of just how much time in relation to special events we have left. Some people will feel insulted at first, but they will definitely ponder on its meaning. I am well aware of exactly how much time I have left. I simply exist for the moment, my only directive is to be cremated, and layed where I fell.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 21:43 | 2560215 tmosley
tmosley's picture

Sensible people spend their golden years actively funding research on life extension.  Telomerase could probably add 20 years onto the life of most people, but you can't buy it--I've looked.  Can't even get animal telomerase, much less human.

When I hit 60, you can bet that I will be working on making that shit, if someone else isn't supplying it already.  A dose of that, intraveinously, every five years or so, should keep you going until you die of disease or cancer, which I expect will be paper tigers within the next 20 years, and totally gone in the next 40 (due in no small part to my own company's research).

Tue, 06/26/2012 - 01:07 | 2560611 AldousHuxley
AldousHuxley's picture

japan many elderly in their 110s basically comitting suicide because they are just bored.


live while you can then die painlessly. don't drag that shit out.


long book is not necessarily a good book.



Tue, 06/26/2012 - 05:59 | 2560777 Gavrikon
Gavrikon's picture

I like the idea of "rapid decline."  Stay in great health for as long as possible, and then go quickly from something that can't be stopped.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:25 | 2559556 slaughterer
slaughterer's picture

I recommend Affordable Cremation in North Fort Myers, FL, next to the Bob Evans.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:34 | 2559582 TheObsoleteMan
TheObsoleteMan's picture

I got that one beat, just have your remains sent to the Smokin' Pit on Old 41, they will smother you in their secret recipe sauce, put you over the pit, then carve you up, much like what the politicans are allready doing to us!

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:47 | 2559640 Rainman
Rainman's picture

Burial at sea for this fish slaughterer....the fish deserve vengeance.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 18:04 | 2559683 GeezerGeek
GeezerGeek's picture

Have your body submerged in the same spot where you accidentally lost your PM stash.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 18:07 | 2559690 shovelhead
shovelhead's picture

Don't forget the open bar and the biggest fish pool, 1oz au would be nice.

A quick bake and a 1/2 day charter gets you done. Funerals should be fun.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 19:28 | 2559896 Taint Boil
Taint Boil's picture



I want my ashes dumped in the bulk plastic vat at a dildo factory.

Tue, 06/26/2012 - 03:00 | 2560688 paddy0761
paddy0761's picture


 Taint Boil

"I want my ashes dumped in the bulk plastic vat at a dildo factory."

...B-B-But, you might end up as a butt plug!


Tue, 06/26/2012 - 22:02 | 2563651 Taint Boil
Taint Boil's picture



Eeeewwww, Damn it, you ruined it ......... it was the 1 thing that kept me going. Ok, just throw me in an ink vat ...... that always goes on forever.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 20:13 | 2559990 goat
goat's picture

Biscuits be free at Bob Evans!

Tue, 06/26/2012 - 06:09 | 2560778 tiger
tiger's picture

"You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else."

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:12 | 2559496 Marginal Call
Marginal Call's picture

Don't worry, we're headed back to open pit, make it up on volume type burials soon. 

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:16 | 2559516 FieldingMellish
FieldingMellish's picture

Good enough for Mozart is good enough for me.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:23 | 2559552 Marginal Call
Marginal Call's picture

Speaking of bulk, Costco now has death covered. 



The Gardner Casket
by Universal
Standard Shipping
18 Ga. Steel
Questions about order confirmation?
Please call Universal at
Item # 532684 Rated (out of 2  reviews)

  Share this Product:



Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:39 | 2559610 nmewn
nmewn's picture

Wonder what Walmart charges for a chinese made casket.

Its not like it can kill you or anything ;-)

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:52 | 2559652 fourchan
fourchan's picture

lead caskets are the red chinese specialty.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 18:09 | 2559697 nmewn
nmewn's picture

The bottom would prolly fall out of

I can see my wife rolling her eyes now...he always does this kind of shit ;-)

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 19:53 | 2559961 CPL
CPL's picture

Get made into pencils and donate yourself to schools.  Kids will make you in to art and ninja pencil you into the cieling.  You will be a million super heroes, hearts with names in them, tic tac toe games.


It's how I'm dealing with my remaining carbon.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 19:20 | 2559869 sushi
sushi's picture

The Gardner Casket
by Universal
Standard Shipping
 18 Ga. Steel
Questions about order confirmation?
Please call Universal at
 Item # 532684 Rated (out of 2  reviews)

  Share this Product:



I'm interested in the "Share this Product" feature. How many can I fit? My thought here is to buy the product and then rent time shares to support myself in my old age. Once I kick the can I would coddle up with my varied tenants. I cannot see them raising any objection. Can you get back to me soonest? 

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:37 | 2559598 Tortfeasor
Tortfeasor's picture

I've already told my wife I demand a funeral pyre. We compromised...I get the pyre, she doesn't have to be tied to it when it's lit.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 18:10 | 2559702 shovelhead
shovelhead's picture

DIY Vahalla.


Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:21 | 2559542 Mad Max
Mad Max's picture

I don't really agree, but you get the prize for a comment in keeping with the ZH spirit.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:14 | 2559503 francis_sawyer
francis_sawyer's picture

Carousel bitchez!

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 18:41 | 2559786 Goldilocks
Goldilocks's picture

Logan's Run (trailer) (2:53)

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:15 | 2559509 Conman
Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:16 | 2559514 bdc63
bdc63's picture

I'm pretty sure FEMA has purchased plastic coffin liners for each and every zero-hedger ... free of charge!

Tue, 06/26/2012 - 01:22 | 2560628 CaptainObvious
CaptainObvious's picture

Well, that's a load off my mind.  I was pretty sure my FEMA-determined fate was getting shot in the back of the skull execution-style and being tossed in a big lime-lined pit with a hundred other anonymous corpses.

If, by some odd quirk of fate, I don't get the FEMA treatment, my woman has her marching orders:  I am to be buried in the ground with my ass crack sticking out so she can use it as a bike rack.

Tue, 06/26/2012 - 17:54 | 2563045 bdc63
bdc63's picture

you big 'ole sentimental lug, you ...

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:17 | 2559525 Comay Mierda
Comay Mierda's picture

and to add insult to injury -> your life insurance payout is included in your estate for estate tax calculations.

Fuck the politicians

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:24 | 2559555 Mad Max
Mad Max's picture

Was there a recent tax law change on that?  Major planning fail to have the policy payable to the deceased's estate rather than to intended beneficiaries.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:47 | 2559632 Comay Mierda
Comay Mierda's picture

to avoid it being included in estate tax someone else has to own the policy (person or trust)

its just fucked up that if you own a policy and kick the bucket than it can be taxed depending on the estate value.

 and pretty soon any estate value above $1 will be taxable with these ass clowns in charge

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 18:51 | 2559806 Waterfallsparkles
Waterfallsparkles's picture

Only if you are the Owner of the Policy.  If someone else owns the policy it is not included in your Estate.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:20 | 2559535 NeedleDickTheBu...
NeedleDickTheBugFucker's picture

Just call Alex Trebeck and all these problems magically go away.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 18:23 | 2559734 JohnG
JohnG's picture

I'll take Massive Stroke for $500.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:22 | 2559546 Magnix
Magnix's picture

Dont worry, God is an AWESOME God!

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:43 | 2559621 Whalley World
Whalley World's picture

Yeah, it's just gonna take a little more moolah to get tucked in before meeting your maker now.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 23:45 | 2560513 baby_BLYTHE
baby_BLYTHE's picture

God is a lie, just like Santa

Tue, 06/26/2012 - 05:33 | 2560765 Lebensphilosoph
Lebensphilosoph's picture

Which god?

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:22 | 2559548 A Lunatic
A Lunatic's picture

Are mass graves full of lime caked gas chamber victims no longer fashionable?

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:22 | 2559550 derek_vineyard
derek_vineyard's picture

gee, thanks for brightening my day ZH

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:23 | 2559551 RacerX
RacerX's picture

Thanks to the Fed, it's also getting too expensive to LIVE.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:23 | 2559553 Mad Max
Mad Max's picture

Cremation is wasteful and makes no sense unless you're an observant Viking or Hindu.

Conventional burial costs so much because of the standard US requirement for burial plots the size of a Manhattan studio and ridiculous gaudy coffins that are probably nicer than any furniture in the immediate prior home of 1/4 of their inhabitants.  Green burial is worth a look.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:41 | 2559617 nmewn
nmewn's picture

Coffin Credits.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:49 | 2559642 Paul Atreides
Paul Atreides's picture

Put my body on a big bonfire and burn me like heathen kings of old = $50 for wood and gas.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:52 | 2559654 FEDbuster
FEDbuster's picture

Perhaps an old dirty coal fired electric plant could be converted to burn the 99%?  or the Soylent Green conversion could take place there?

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:24 | 2559554 Fish Gone Bad
Fish Gone Bad's picture

I live next door to a family of wolves.  I have instructed my wife to toss my corpse over the fence upon my untimely end...

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:26 | 2559561 gratefultraveller
gratefultraveller's picture

Make sure to ask for and recover any precious metal teeth/tooth inlays immediately, funeral homes will tell you that "they were buried/burned with the deceased", while they make a nice (income tax free) side business out of selling it.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:45 | 2559631 Oldrepublic
Oldrepublic's picture

colorado embalmer charged with stealing gold teeth!

Tue, 06/26/2012 - 08:18 | 2560992 strayaway
strayaway's picture

My Dad had some gold in his mouth so I requested it at the funeral company doing the cremation. However, the cremation contract did not allow that. One problem is that there was not time to go shopping for another place that did cremations assuming they don't use a standard contract. Another, was that as a griveing first of kin, I had too many things to do to get into rewriting contracts. Sounds like a good idea but, like travellers, survivors are on someone else's territory and don't make the rules.

In a semi-related incident, when I had a tooth removed when I was 13, I asked for the gold filling and got into an argument with the dentist who wouldn't give it to me. Half of his refusal was probably that he didn't like arguing with an impudent kid. The other half, of course, was that collecting gold amagam was a profitable sideline.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:35 | 2559574 LouisDega
LouisDega's picture

To die, To be really dead. That must be glorious

                         Universal's Dracula.. 1931

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 19:00 | 2559825 MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

Actually that was recently overhead at a banker convention...

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:31 | 2559575 zilverreiger
zilverreiger's picture
in the netherlands its ~9K $
Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:32 | 2559576 Pampalona
Pampalona's picture

Tylers, say what you will about our women, but ridiculing our football is downright un-gentlemanly.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:35 | 2559588 tony bonn
tony bonn's picture

yes we must all die, but thank the lord jesus christ and his father for the resurrection!!!!!!!!

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:57 | 2559666 bobnoxy
bobnoxy's picture

And Santa, the Easter Bunny and the Great Pumpkin too.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:35 | 2559589 rsnoble
rsnoble's picture

You watch.......the next thing the gov't will come up with to stimulate the economy besides your 'affordable' mandated monthly health insurance premium of $700 will be mandated "pre-death" expenses and a $10,000.00 fine and 5 years in prison if you don't comply. Think you're gonna check out of here and leave us the tab? Not anymore pilgrim.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 18:20 | 2559723 JohnG
JohnG's picture

Even Fight Club makes you bring $300 personal burial money....

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 20:37 | 2560036 mkhs
mkhs's picture

So if I don't comply, they will hold my corpse in a cell?  Great, that cuts the vault/plot expense.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 20:53 | 2560095 rsnoble
rsnoble's picture

No, it will be a yearly tax and you'll have it paid by the time you die. So in other words the $ won't be there and you'll just be thrown in a hole with 10,000 other people. In the event you die young before it's paid you're immediate relatives or offspring will be taxed extra.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:42 | 2559616 Oldrepublic
Oldrepublic's picture

Go to Honduras where funerals are free

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:44 | 2559623 dumby
dumby's picture

Help needy seniors to go out in style!

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:45 | 2559627 Miffed Microbio...
Miffed Microbiologist's picture

Mr Miffed and I have made a pact when we are too decrepit, diseased ridden to face this world any longer we'd strap a few pounds of C-4 on our waists and take out a few banksters/ politicians, whatever is most needed at the time. Voilà, no funeral expenses and a nice little bonus besides. Beats rotting away at the FEMA camp.


Mon, 06/25/2012 - 20:40 | 2560050 Jena
Jena's picture

Mr. Jena (that just doesn't sound right) and I decided long ago that we'll do it the old-fashioned way.  We'll take a BIG pitcher of martinis, go sit on a rock and wait for the tide to come in.  

I guess that won't take out any banksters but it'll be less noisy.  Not to mention less messy.


Tue, 06/26/2012 - 01:07 | 2560613 Miffed Microbio...
Miffed Microbiologist's picture

Well, I have to admit your way is much classier. I should have thought of what housekeeping would face! :-)


Tue, 06/26/2012 - 12:35 | 2562030 Jena
Jena's picture

But yours does make a more thorough statement.  We made our plan a couple of decades ago; if we'd been more aware of the mess growing under our noses, the plan may have been different.  :)

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:48 | 2559643 LeisureSmith
LeisureSmith's picture

What ever happened to plain wood and some nails?

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:48 | 2559647 HD
HD's picture

This graphic doesn't cover the cost of constructing a 1000 foot statue dedicated to my ego or the astronomical costs of building my cyborg body with kung fu grip...

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:51 | 2559650 FishHockers
FishHockers's picture

Shove a bone up my ass and let the dogs bury me in the back yard.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:54 | 2559660 Pampalona
Pampalona's picture

Getting eaten will cost u no more than a packet of bath salts

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:54 | 2559662 crawldaddy
crawldaddy's picture

told my wife I'll try to die on trash day, then just cinch me up.  Hefty hefty hefty...

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:57 | 2559668 Reese Bobby
Reese Bobby's picture

"Alas, I am dying beyond my means."

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 18:00 | 2559674 lizzy36
lizzy36's picture

Last year my best friend's (since i was ten) mother died after battling cancer.

My friend was devasted so I went to the funeral home with her dad to help with the arrangements and pick out the "urn" (she choose cremination and wanted her her ashes scattered on Mt. Assiniboine - a cherished and personally significant location). 

Now, my friends dad (now retired) is an old fashioned accountant. He is what one would term "upper middle to upper class", but acquired this wealth through a lifetime of working, investing and being frugal. This funeral joint was a full service (cough rip off) joint. The take us into the "urn" room to choose a "final resting spot" for the deceased. I was stunned....some of these Urns were the most hideous things i had ever seen and as Bff's dad said "cost more than our first house (not downpayment the whole house)". So he said the the funeral director "look, my wife wants to rest on Mt. Assiniboine, I am happy to take her their in a tupperware container. Find me something for under $300 or tupperware it is". Sure enough they had a "cheap room" - it just wasn't where we were initially taken.

Even in death, they are going to try and bleed you dry. ;)

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 19:06 | 2559824 Normalcy Bias
Normalcy Bias's picture

I highly recommend this black comedy send up of the funeral industry with Jonathan Winters...

The Loved One (1965)


Mon, 06/25/2012 - 18:01 | 2559678 sessinpo
sessinpo's picture

two words - pink slime. sarc

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 18:03 | 2559681 lynnybee
lynnybee's picture

after all the money & help i've wasted on my adult children, i'm going to surprise them ... mom will be broke when i die & i don't give a damn; for the first time in their lives, the kids can figure this one out.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 18:05 | 2559686 caimen garou
caimen garou's picture

take my ashes and put them in a pepper shaker at pizza hut!

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 19:14 | 2559857 Hulk
Hulk's picture

please garlic up before you spring forth  from this mortal coil...

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 18:10 | 2559700 miker
miker's picture

Cremation is stupid.  Wasting all that energy so people can "rest easier" that the worms won't consume their body.

3/4" pywood casket in the ground where you live.  A family ceremony with friends.

America is so stupid.  No one even knows how to die right.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 18:12 | 2559707 Calmyourself
Calmyourself's picture

If that is not bad enough losers like "let them eat rand" will pick your pockets and empty your bank accounts after death because you were too successful and why should your kids get anything, damn vultures pushing for death taxes..  Before you start I am talking about  mom & Pop businesses not tbtf's..  They should just lose their governmental protection the market will handle the rest.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 18:16 | 2559717 JohnG
JohnG's picture



This is free:

They even come pick you up!


(No really, my late wife was a college professor who wanted to keep teaching after she died, no joke, they came that night, picked her up from home.)

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 23:48 | 2560517 JohnG
JohnG's picture



Oh come on! Who negd me for that.  It was seven years ago.

She was born, died, and ashes spread on her birthday.  May 1.  I spread the ashes where she showed me to.

I pay respect; she was and is my other half.


In any case, she DID in fact keep teaching.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 18:16 | 2559719 reader2010
reader2010's picture

Governments should get into funeral home service industry and finally put folks back to work. Forgot to mention first give them free GMO-Corn-Fed White Meat first via EBT cards. 

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 18:23 | 2559737 shovelhead
shovelhead's picture

I want to get sprayed with gypcrete and become a lawn jockey.


Mon, 06/25/2012 - 18:32 | 2559759 Totentänzerlied
Totentänzerlied's picture

A personal menhir or runestone is the only way to go.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 18:35 | 2559770 stewmint
stewmint's picture

Ignorant Q - Don't Jews get buried in wooden caskets? Those have to be tons cheaper than metal, and they don't do embalming either, right? Probably no concrete sarcophagus underground as well?

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 18:43 | 2559790 JohnG
JohnG's picture

Time to go gold and diamond prospecting??

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 18:54 | 2559811 BidnessMan
BidnessMan's picture

I thought "Happy Endings" were from Oriental Massage Parlors....

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 19:07 | 2559838 q99x2
q99x2's picture

If the collapse takes place maybe everyone will go poof all at the same time. Then someone in another galaxy can look back through a telescope and wonder what the hell those creatures were thinking. Creatures doesn't it give you the creeps.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 19:22 | 2559840 CoolBeans
CoolBeans's picture


The Gardner Casket
by Universal
Standard Shipping
18 Ga. Steel

Hurry and order - just checked it today:  Price has gone up to $1299 (shipping included)

I am not kidding.  Great...when my time comes, Costco's price will probably triple.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 19:44 | 2559937 CoolBeans
CoolBeans's picture

Me?  I'm going into the Gulf of Mexico...its where I enjoy spending time the most so a fine place for eternity.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 19:26 | 2559892 ManOfBliss
ManOfBliss's picture

I could not care less how people treat my body once I'm dead.

It's a fucking piece of trash at that point.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 19:34 | 2559910 anyways
anyways's picture

since i do not plan my life, just living, i won't plan my death. Obviously.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 19:52 | 2559959 Thunder_Downunder
Thunder_Downunder's picture

Great.. zombie banks that can't afford to die, now zombie citizens getting the same treatment. Our fearless leaders need... bbbrrraaaiiiinsssss...

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 20:28 | 2560017 FreudianSlip
FreudianSlip's picture

Definitely a Viking Funeral............

go out in a giant blaze exactly how I have lived my life, fast and hot without dull moments.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 20:42 | 2560057 mjk0259
mjk0259's picture

If the hospital gets a hold of you while dying, that will cost $300K. Other costs insignificant.


Mon, 06/25/2012 - 22:13 | 2560325 Jena
Jena's picture

Do your level best not to let that happen.  If you get hit by a train (or something similarly traumatic) you'll be rushed to a trauma center.  But if you (or someone you care about) are slowly dying you have options.  The best one for most is hospice, where you go at home and as pain-free as possible.  


Mon, 06/25/2012 - 20:45 | 2560067 jonjon831983
jonjon831983's picture

Unfortunately... they don't pass the savings on to you... f'n terrible.


"Pentagon admits it dumped some 9/11 remains in a landfill"


"More than 100 bodies found as US crematorium gives up grisly secret"


Mon, 06/25/2012 - 21:21 | 2560159 nah
nah's picture

pa im gunna burry u in the back

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 21:43 | 2560213 mendolover
Mon, 06/25/2012 - 22:17 | 2560341 Zymurguy
Zymurguy's picture

I don't care what they do with my body when I'm done.

I just hope I'm reincarnated as a seat on a woman's bicycle.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 23:41 | 2560503 JohnG
JohnG's picture



Don't get crushed...


Mon, 06/25/2012 - 23:51 | 2560496 JohnG
JohnG's picture



Tue, 06/26/2012 - 03:48 | 2560713 Rearranging Dec...
Rearranging Deckchairs's picture

I dunno dying cost nothing. MUch like being insolvent. Having a funeral and your remains cared for, much like bankruptcy cost money. Let's not confuse the two. Its like with the estate tax that's passed off as a death tax. Its a tax on leaving an estate not on dying Bubba. Dying don't cost the dying anything, its the potential heirs that it might cost.

Tue, 06/26/2012 - 05:46 | 2560769 bbqporkwings
bbqporkwings's picture

Cremate and mix ½ &½ with massengill.


I wanna go ONE more time..........

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