• Knave Dave
    05/23/2016 - 18:16
    This past Thursday marked the one-year anniversary of the US stock market’s death when stocks saw their last high. Market bulls have spent a year looking like the walking dead. They’ve...

Can You Afford To Die In America? An Infographic

Tyler Durden's picture


While few want to think about their death, its becoming increasingly popular for folks to prepare for the inevitable by pre-planning their own funerals (we assume a little like England's soccer team yesterday). While cremation is rapidly gaining on straight-up-burial, funeral costs remain high; and despite non-traditional options like 'Angels Flight Inc.' which launches your ashes in fireworks or 'Space Services Inc.' which sends you posthumously into orbit around the moon, the following infographic is a guide to budget-busting your own 'happy-ending'.

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Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:11 | 2559493 cherry picker
cherry picker's picture

The last thing on my mind is worrying about what it cost to die.

Nature can look after me, I have faith I can be recycled back to where I came from.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:20 | 2559533 Manthong
Manthong's picture

All of that presupposes that you are still playing their game when you check out.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:35 | 2559565 sitenine
sitenine's picture

So, since we all know Americans can't afford to live, it's time to ask if they can even afford to die. Turns out, they can't. Let's hope some of them can still afford to pay attention, because the shit is getting real deap, and the current economic circumstances are sure to unleash a swarm of fans (technically known as black swans) very soon.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:59 | 2559670 Skateboarder
Skateboarder's picture

Someday in old age, I will lie in a Redwood forest and pass out one last time and go back to the land from whence I came. That's if the nukes don't get us first. =P

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 18:33 | 2559763 stewmint
stewmint's picture

No you won't, fun to think about, but it never happens that way. Prepare to be intraveniously fed while your should-be-dead-body is kept alive as long as financially possible. And since you likely have insurance, that will be as long as humanly possible.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 19:12 | 2559852 Short Memories
Short Memories's picture

Just feed me to the dogs!

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 23:11 | 2560453 smlbizman
smlbizman's picture

just put me out on tues eve...use a contractor bag....and remember the party not the dead flesh...but honestly i am donating to anyone who wants me or grill me up well done...but as much as i hate this society if an individual can use some parts...enjoy... glad to help...

Tue, 06/26/2012 - 01:03 | 2560609 AldousHuxley
AldousHuxley's picture

time to invest in some funeral homes.


greedy boomers will spend every dime of their children's inheritance on themselves.


customer supply is guaranteed.

Tue, 06/26/2012 - 03:19 | 2560696 malikai
malikai's picture

Nah, dead-end business.

Tue, 06/26/2012 - 05:37 | 2560767 tonyw
tonyw's picture

Soylent Green, we pay top dollar for your corpse, no casket needed!

Tue, 06/26/2012 - 05:56 | 2560774 Gavrikon
Gavrikon's picture

And not-greedy boomers like me will continue to stack as long as possible to give my children the hope of a decent life after I am gone.  But everyone else can go fuck themselves.  I'll take care of my kids, no one else's.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 19:52 | 2559953 Skateboarder
Skateboarder's picture

Do you think it's a fundamental human right to be able to choose to leave? I am a pretty fucken solid scientist - can design a spaceship that will just let me explore the cosmos for as long as my body lasts. If I am to produce my spaceship, have I earned my place to fly?

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 21:55 | 2560256 Conrad Murray
Conrad Murray's picture

DMT is easier.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 22:03 | 2560282 Skateboarder
Skateboarder's picture

Easier doesn't necessarily mean better. I think 40 light years worth of travel may pay off in personal rewards...

Tue, 06/26/2012 - 00:18 | 2560557 CRBull
CRBull's picture

+1 <DMT>




Tue, 06/26/2012 - 03:20 | 2560697 malikai
malikai's picture

Terrance McKenna approves of this message.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 22:21 | 2560356 Edelweiss
Edelweiss's picture

"stewmint", your post shows how clueless you are.  If someone is kept alive as long as possible, it is because it's in accordance with family or patient wishes.  Or it might be the case that it's unknown (the patient is comatose, demented, etc.)  whether they want life sustaining measures.  I have seen countless situations where someone's life is prolonged because they are unable to accept the reality that they are going to die soon despite what treatment consists of.   I recall a recent patient who had a nodular melanoma with metastasis to bone, liver, lung, colon and brain.  At best, a terrible prognosis.   After a cardio workup (at her insistence)  for a heart rate in the 30's, a pacemaker was placed (her decision) the following day.  The procedure and device cost are in the neighborhood of $20K-$25K.  People with, and without insurance receive this kind of intervention.  No one is going to say to her "Mrs Smith, you can't have a pacemaker.  Most likely, you'll die in a few months.  It would be a waste of resources".   How long do you think it would be before a lawsuit was filed by the family?  One other issue involves the uninsured patient who thought it was a good idea to get drunk and take a spin in/on their car, atv, boat, scooter, and/or pogo stick, and end up with brain injuries, broken bones, etc.  It turns out, uninsured people who do dumb shit and get hurt, are not good at paying for their care. Those of us with insurance help pay for those who don't.  That's the reality. 

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 22:54 | 2560417 toady
toady's picture

There is another side though...

My mother is fighting against being forced into a 5k a month nursing home. She saw how they drained every last penny out of her mother, and how she "inexplicably" died right when her money ran out.

She can still fire her .38 at 75 years old. Ain't NOBODY locking her up and draining her accounts!

Tue, 06/26/2012 - 02:01 | 2560653 Joy on Maui
Joy on Maui's picture

Sad but true.  Active in care for the "actively dying" /Hospice, has you learn real quick that the postponement game played under the guise of Christianity is nothing more than one insidious wealth transfer mechanism, albeit the final one - oops, I forgot estate lawyers.


Mon, 06/25/2012 - 18:36 | 2559772 margaris
margaris's picture

"I would request that my body, in death, be buried, not cremated, so that the energy content contained within it gets returned to the earth, so that flora and fauna can dine upon it, just as I have dined upon flora and fauna throughout my whole life."

Neil degrasse tyson


Mon, 06/25/2012 - 19:18 | 2559864 ManOfBliss
ManOfBliss's picture

Uh... yeah... something like that hahaha.... just throw my fucking piece of trash dead body into a hole in the ground.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 21:38 | 2560199 tmosley
tmosley's picture

Mine will be carved up, such that all available organs are donated, with the remainder going to science in some fashion.  There will be nothing left.

I SHOULD be able to pre-sell my remains, as the contents of my body are worth something like $100,000.  But I can't, because morality.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 23:04 | 2560441 toady
toady's picture

My wife and I were at our lawyer's office doing our wills. Do not recessitate, yada, yada, yada.

She starts going on and on with plans for what will no doubt be a very expensive funeral.

When she's done they ask me what I want. "Just throw my body in a ditch with note taped on it that says 'DO NOT RAPE'"

It was one of the few times I saw a lawyer laugh.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 19:11 | 2559846 BigJim
BigJim's picture

Cremation? Burial alongside a bunch of other stiffs?

Just leave your body to science.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 20:14 | 2559989 monoloco
monoloco's picture

I hope to die like my grandpa, peacefully in my sleep, unlike his passengers who were screaming in terror.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 19:18 | 2559866 Taint Boil
Taint Boil's picture



Put your life on a spread sheet ….. your whole life on a 8.5 x 11.0 – yeah, I know, only one sheet. If you are 45 now and you live to 65 [you die when you retire by the way] you only have 20 more Christmases, 20 more thanksgivings, 20 more 4th of Julys….. etc, etc.


Every time I tell someone this they give me the “Deer in the headlight” look and tell me to “F” off.


This should give me some down arrows LOL I hope to give MDB a run for his money – See you in Hell ... 

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 20:51 | 2560086 msamour
msamour's picture

Actually, your statement is quite a sensible revelation of just how much time in relation to special events we have left. Some people will feel insulted at first, but they will definitely ponder on its meaning. I am well aware of exactly how much time I have left. I simply exist for the moment, my only directive is to be cremated, and layed where I fell.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 21:43 | 2560215 tmosley
tmosley's picture

Sensible people spend their golden years actively funding research on life extension.  Telomerase could probably add 20 years onto the life of most people, but you can't buy it--I've looked.  Can't even get animal telomerase, much less human.

When I hit 60, you can bet that I will be working on making that shit, if someone else isn't supplying it already.  A dose of that, intraveinously, every five years or so, should keep you going until you die of disease or cancer, which I expect will be paper tigers within the next 20 years, and totally gone in the next 40 (due in no small part to my own company's research).

Tue, 06/26/2012 - 01:07 | 2560611 AldousHuxley
AldousHuxley's picture

japan many elderly in their 110s basically comitting suicide because they are just bored.


live while you can then die painlessly. don't drag that shit out.


long book is not necessarily a good book.



Tue, 06/26/2012 - 05:59 | 2560777 Gavrikon
Gavrikon's picture

I like the idea of "rapid decline."  Stay in great health for as long as possible, and then go quickly from something that can't be stopped.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:25 | 2559556 slaughterer
slaughterer's picture

I recommend Affordable Cremation in North Fort Myers, FL, next to the Bob Evans.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:34 | 2559582 TheObsoleteMan
TheObsoleteMan's picture

I got that one beat, just have your remains sent to the Smokin' Pit on Old 41, they will smother you in their secret recipe sauce, put you over the pit, then carve you up, much like what the politicans are allready doing to us!

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:47 | 2559640 Rainman
Rainman's picture

Burial at sea for this fish slaughterer....the fish deserve vengeance.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 18:04 | 2559683 GeezerGeek
GeezerGeek's picture

Have your body submerged in the same spot where you accidentally lost your PM stash.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 18:07 | 2559690 shovelhead
shovelhead's picture

Don't forget the open bar and the biggest fish pool, 1oz au would be nice.

A quick bake and a 1/2 day charter gets you done. Funerals should be fun.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 19:28 | 2559896 Taint Boil
Taint Boil's picture



I want my ashes dumped in the bulk plastic vat at a dildo factory.

Tue, 06/26/2012 - 03:00 | 2560688 paddy0761
paddy0761's picture


 Taint Boil

"I want my ashes dumped in the bulk plastic vat at a dildo factory."

...B-B-But, you might end up as a butt plug!


Tue, 06/26/2012 - 22:02 | 2563651 Taint Boil
Taint Boil's picture



Eeeewwww, Damn it, you ruined it ......... it was the 1 thing that kept me going. Ok, just throw me in an ink vat ...... that always goes on forever.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 20:13 | 2559990 goat
goat's picture

Biscuits be free at Bob Evans!

Tue, 06/26/2012 - 06:09 | 2560778 tiger
tiger's picture

"You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else."

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:12 | 2559496 Marginal Call
Marginal Call's picture

Don't worry, we're headed back to open pit, make it up on volume type burials soon. 

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:16 | 2559516 FieldingMellish
FieldingMellish's picture

Good enough for Mozart is good enough for me.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:23 | 2559552 Marginal Call
Marginal Call's picture

Speaking of bulk, Costco now has death covered. 



The Gardner Casket
by Universal
Standard Shipping
18 Ga. Steel
Questions about order confirmation?
Please call Universal at
Item # 532684 Rated (out of 2  reviews)

  Share this Product:



Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:39 | 2559610 nmewn
nmewn's picture

Wonder what Walmart charges for a chinese made casket.

Its not like it can kill you or anything ;-)

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:52 | 2559652 fourchan
fourchan's picture

lead caskets are the red chinese specialty.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 18:09 | 2559697 nmewn
nmewn's picture

The bottom would prolly fall out of it...lol.

I can see my wife rolling her eyes now...he always does this kind of shit ;-)

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 19:53 | 2559961 CPL
CPL's picture

Get made into pencils and donate yourself to schools.  Kids will make you in to art and ninja pencil you into the cieling.  You will be a million super heroes, hearts with names in them, tic tac toe games.




It's how I'm dealing with my remaining carbon.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 19:20 | 2559869 sushi
sushi's picture

The Gardner Casket
by Universal
Standard Shipping
 18 Ga. Steel
Questions about order confirmation?
Please call Universal at
 Item # 532684 Rated (out of 2  reviews)

  Share this Product:



I'm interested in the "Share this Product" feature. How many can I fit? My thought here is to buy the product and then rent time shares to support myself in my old age. Once I kick the can I would coddle up with my varied tenants. I cannot see them raising any objection. Can you get back to me soonest? 

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 17:37 | 2559598 Tortfeasor
Tortfeasor's picture

I've already told my wife I demand a funeral pyre. We compromised...I get the pyre, she doesn't have to be tied to it when it's lit.

Mon, 06/25/2012 - 18:10 | 2559702 shovelhead
shovelhead's picture

DIY Vahalla.

Hilarious. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0349416/

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