Citi Hires Top Model Contestant To Sell Equity Derivatives

Tyler Durden's picture

While we await the release of pictures for today's caption contest, namely Merkel and Samaras hugging it out, which incidentally will be today's top news, as the Greek PM enters the lioness' den and begs for more, only to hear Merkel recite Herman Cain's tax plan, here is another picture: it is of "America’s Next Top Model" contestant and MTV anchor Kim Stolz, who was just hired away by Citigroup from BTIG to be a VP in equity-derivative sales, according to Bloomberg’s Donal Griffin. This is a welcome development: with trading volumes at levels last seen in 1998, more and more banks will resort to hiring underemployed supermodels to incite their clients to transact with them (for all the obvious and not so obvious reasons). It also means that said supermodels will soon know all there is to know about delta, gamma, vega and theta. Which naturally sets the stage for Zoolander 2 and the latest and greatest face name: step aside "Blue Steel", enter "The Schwab Baby" - a look describing what happens when that massive short gamma position suddenly blows up in your face. At least the next round of Congressional hearings, when banks scapegoat the next bailout request on supermodels selling VIX, will be somewhat more attractive. Win win for everyone.

Kim Stolz

Kim Stolz

Kim Stolz

Kim Stolz

Kim Stolz

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Aziz's picture

Den of vipers and thieves.

Lets_Eat_Ben's picture

"...Yes Ms. Stolz that's a very impressive resume (ass) you have."

"...And your credentials (breasts) are impeccable..."

gold-is-not-dead's picture

geez... desperate move imho... 

"This is our CDS package, mostly B- and CD rated, and for a 1000$ extra you could get it anally..."

HoofHearted's picture

The worst thing is that she isn't even close to attractive. Citi can't get ANYTHING right.

SWRichmond's picture

+1.  Way too skinny, the outfits don't even look good on her.  Also, the piled-on-top-of-each-other sexual signals (especially they eyes) are a turn off.

Short Memories's picture

Pirates ought to have a bigger chest!

TheFourthStooge-ing's picture

In other news, in order to help improve their image, Goldman Sachs has hired public relations firm The Titté Brothers.

ihedgemyhedges's picture

Bloomberg chick just reported that Citi's new hire is a carpet muncher.  CLASSIC!!!!  Now the guys can just let their imaginations run wild while they consider her "portfolio of work".........

GetZeeGold's picture look a little thin. There are like zero calories in those derivatives.


Here.....have a sandwich.



Martin W's picture

Just skin and bone


daxtonbrown's picture

She may not be attractive over all, but i do find attractive her fetching open mouth "I'm gonna suck your balls dry" look, which sets my stock buyig genes on fire.

5880's picture

She will be selling:




Naked Puts

The Paucity of Hope's picture

With luck, she knows how to put lipstick on a pig

The Butchers Dog's picture

It's a dude, Which makes the caption fit:

Caption:  " I take it in the Ass, why can't you..."

Perfect Citibank pitch.


Axenolith's picture

Really, what is it with elites and the "tweaker skank" look???

Pool Shark's picture



Brings a whole new meaning to:

"Tie me up; make me write bad checks..."


LongSoupLine's picture



She looks like a complete evil bitch who is one eyeliner stroke into "that's a man, baby" territory.  So, with that, it's my assessment Citi is obviously trying to find their own "Blythe Masters".

darrenstory's picture

Pretty sure she's a freind of Dorothy's.

Yamaha's picture


crosey's picture

Interesting swan?

Itch's picture

more like green dodo

f16hoser's picture

Yeah, worst BJ I ever had was GREAT!

NEOSERF's picture

Lorena Bobbit is out and looking for you...

Lets_Eat_Ben's picture

Did you finally make contact between the tip of your tongue and the head of your peepee? =)

hugovanderbubble's picture

U dont have guarantee of that...:)

f16hoser's picture

Wanna earn a Gold Maple the hard way honey?

malikai's picture

That thing isn't even worth a silver dime.

firstdivision's picture

If shCiti had just bought some US, German, and UK 10 years last week, they'd be set for the year.

Element's picture

And this smash-trash model relates to derivatives because ... ???????????????????????????????

LongSoupLine's picture

too easy a question...


because they're both superficial in real value and beauty.

Doubleguns's picture

Harlots will now be available to serve you.


That should pick sales up substantially.

Lets_Eat_Ben's picture

"I told you I wouldn't have to marry one of daddy's rich friends to be suckcessful; I'm like totally independent and junk now."

Frastric's picture


spinone's picture

She doesn't even like men.

Lets_Eat_Ben's picture

That is truly the injustice here.

Bobbyrib's picture

Yeah, if Citi hired her for her looks, you would think they would have researched that.

lsbumblebee's picture

When somebody says credit derivatives I get like all goosepimply and horny and stuff.

hugovanderbubble's picture

Thanks Citi...for not hiring me,...u prefer a bitchEZ rather than a professional.

jcaz's picture

....That Merkel, she's so hot right now.......

milanitaly's picture

she has just said "we want Greece stays with us" ...... very hot as usual.

B2u's picture

She already has a girl friend.


ZeroPower's picture

Nothing new. Went out in London last summer with some friends from the JPM office, they had a new hot intern (ex-model, she was looking for something "different" and "challenging"!) who was the most viewed person on bloomberg for like 3 months in a row. Can't remember if she had gotten a FT offer or not, but would not surprise me in the least.