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Citi Hires Top Model Contestant To Sell Equity Derivatives

Tyler Durden's picture




 

While we await the release of pictures for today's caption contest, namely Merkel and Samaras hugging it out, which incidentally will be today's top news, as the Greek PM enters the lioness' den and begs for more, only to hear Merkel recite Herman Cain's tax plan, here is another picture: it is of "America’s Next Top Model" contestant and MTV anchor Kim Stolz, who was just hired away by Citigroup from BTIG to be a VP in equity-derivative sales, according to Bloomberg’s Donal Griffin. This is a welcome development: with trading volumes at levels last seen in 1998, more and more banks will resort to hiring underemployed supermodels to incite their clients to transact with them (for all the obvious and not so obvious reasons). It also means that said supermodels will soon know all there is to know about delta, gamma, vega and theta. Which naturally sets the stage for Zoolander 2 and the latest and greatest face name: step aside "Blue Steel", enter "The Schwab Baby" - a look describing what happens when that massive short gamma position suddenly blows up in your face. At least the next round of Congressional hearings, when banks scapegoat the next bailout request on supermodels selling VIX, will be somewhat more attractive. Win win for everyone.

Kim Stolz

Kim Stolz

Kim Stolz

Kim Stolz

Kim Stolz

 

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Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:18 | 2733023 Aziz
Aziz's picture

Den of vipers and thieves.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:22 | 2733032 Death and Gravity
Death and Gravity's picture

TITS OR BUST

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:26 | 2733040 Lets_Eat_Ben
Lets_Eat_Ben's picture

"...Yes Ms. Stolz that's a very impressive resume (ass) you have."

"...And your credentials (breasts) are impeccable..."

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:29 | 2733048 francis_sawyer
francis_sawyer's picture

Lipstick on pigs bitchez...

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:38 | 2733071 gold-is-not-dead
gold-is-not-dead's picture

geez... desperate move imho... 

"This is our CDS package, mostly B- and CD rated, and for a 1000$ extra you could get it anally..."

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:44 | 2733086 HoofHearted
HoofHearted's picture

The worst thing is that she isn't even close to attractive. Citi can't get ANYTHING right.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:49 | 2733104 SWRichmond
SWRichmond's picture

+1.  Way too skinny, the outfits don't even look good on her.  Also, the piled-on-top-of-each-other sexual signals (especially they eyes) are a turn off.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 08:07 | 2733140 Short Memories
Short Memories's picture

Pirates ought to have a bigger chest!

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 09:21 | 2733413 TheFourthStooge-ing
TheFourthStooge-ing's picture

In other news, in order to help improve their image, Goldman Sachs has hired public relations firm The Titté Brothers.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 10:16 | 2733671 ihedgemyhedges
ihedgemyhedges's picture

Bloomberg chick just reported that Citi's new hire is a carpet muncher.  CLASSIC!!!!  Now the guys can just let their imaginations run wild while they consider her "portfolio of work".........

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 16:39 | 2735306 Real Estate Geek
Real Estate Geek's picture

Which Bloomberg chick?  The blonde who wears a strap-on?

http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2012/05/demotivational-pos...

 

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:51 | 2733107 GetZeeGold
GetZeeGold's picture

 

 

Dear.....you look a little thin. There are like zero calories in those derivatives.

 

Here.....have a sandwich.

 

 

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 09:09 | 2733357 Martin W
Martin W's picture

Just skin and bone

Bearish!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 11:03 | 2733881 daxtonbrown
daxtonbrown's picture

She may not be attractive over all, but i do find attractive her fetching open mouth "I'm gonna suck your balls dry" look, which sets my stock buyig genes on fire.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 10:52 | 2733834 5880
5880's picture

She will be selling:

Backspreads

Frontspreads

Straddles

Naked Puts

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:48 | 2733100 The Paucity of Hope
The Paucity of Hope's picture

With luck, she knows how to put lipstick on a pig

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:38 | 2733072 Buckaroo Banzai
Buckaroo Banzai's picture

Tits or GTFO!

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 10:04 | 2733599 icanhasbailout
icanhasbailout's picture

tell that to her Photoshop guy

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:40 | 2733077 The Butchers Dog
The Butchers Dog's picture

It's a dude, Which makes the caption fit:

Caption:  " I take it in the Ass, why can't you..."

Perfect Citibank pitch.

 

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 09:10 | 2733364 TheFourthStooge-ing
TheFourthStooge-ing's picture

Now that's fucking hilarious.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 09:42 | 2733489 Axenolith
Axenolith's picture

Really, what is it with elites and the "tweaker skank" look???

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:30 | 2733051 Pool Shark
Pool Shark's picture

 

 

Brings a whole new meaning to:

"Tie me up; make me write bad checks..."

 

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:42 | 2733081 LongSoupLine
LongSoupLine's picture

 

 

She looks like a complete evil bitch who is one eyeliner stroke into "that's a man, baby" territory.  So, with that, it's my assessment Citi is obviously trying to find their own "Blythe Masters".

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 08:59 | 2733312 darrenstory
darrenstory's picture

Pretty sure she's a freind of Dorothy's.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 09:59 | 2733576 Yamaha
Yamaha's picture

BTFD, BTFD, BTFD, WHERE DO I BUY!!!!!!!

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:18 | 2733024 crosey
crosey's picture

Interesting outfit....black swan?

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 08:27 | 2733181 Itch
Itch's picture

more like green dodo

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:27 | 2733025 Capitalist
Capitalist's picture

Derivative buy side guy: "No I want to see your OTHER calendar spread!" ;)

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:20 | 2733027 Lets_Eat_Ben
Lets_Eat_Ben's picture

Sex sells.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:22 | 2733031 f16hoser
f16hoser's picture

Yeah, worst BJ I ever had was GREAT!

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:47 | 2733097 NEOSERF
NEOSERF's picture

Lorena Bobbit is out and looking for you...

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:47 | 2733098 Lets_Eat_Ben
Lets_Eat_Ben's picture

Did you finally make contact between the tip of your tongue and the head of your peepee? =)

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:23 | 2733034 hugovanderbubble
hugovanderbubble's picture

U dont have guarantee of that...:)

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:20 | 2733028 f16hoser
f16hoser's picture

Wanna earn a Gold Maple the hard way honey?

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 08:08 | 2733143 malikai
malikai's picture

That thing isn't even worth a silver dime.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:22 | 2733033 firstdivision
firstdivision's picture

If shCiti had just bought some US, German, and UK 10 years last week, they'd be set for the year.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:23 | 2733036 Element
Element's picture

And this smash-trash model relates to derivatives because ... ???????????????????????????????

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:45 | 2733091 LongSoupLine
LongSoupLine's picture

too easy a question...

 

because they're both superficial in real value and beauty.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:24 | 2733038 Doubleguns
Doubleguns's picture

Harlots will now be available to serve you.

 

That should pick sales up substantially.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:31 | 2733054 Lets_Eat_Ben
Lets_Eat_Ben's picture

"I told you I wouldn't have to marry one of daddy's rich friends to be suckcessful; I'm like totally independent and junk now."

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:25 | 2733039 Frastric
Frastric's picture

I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!!! BLUE STEEL AND THE SCHWAB BABY ARE THE SAME THING!

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:26 | 2733041 spinone
spinone's picture

She doesn't even like men.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:32 | 2733056 Lets_Eat_Ben
Lets_Eat_Ben's picture

That is truly the injustice here.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:58 | 2733127 Bobbyrib
Bobbyrib's picture

Yeah, if Citi hired her for her looks, you would think they would have researched that.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:26 | 2733042 lsbumblebee
lsbumblebee's picture

When somebody says credit derivatives I get like all goosepimply and horny and stuff.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:26 | 2733043 hugovanderbubble
hugovanderbubble's picture

Thanks Citi...for not hiring me,...u prefer a bitchEZ rather than a professional.

http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/525/blast2012financialworld.jpg/

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:29 | 2733049 jcaz
jcaz's picture

....That Merkel, she's so hot right now.......

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:37 | 2733061 milanitaly
milanitaly's picture

she has just said "we want Greece stays with us" ...... very hot as usual.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:30 | 2733052 B2u
B2u's picture

She already has a girl friend.

 

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:31 | 2733053 ZeroPower
ZeroPower's picture

Nothing new. Went out in London last summer with some friends from the JPM office, they had a new hot intern (ex-model, she was looking for something "different" and "challenging"!) who was the most viewed person on bloomberg for like 3 months in a row. Can't remember if she had gotten a FT offer or not, but would not surprise me in the least.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:34 | 2733059 LoneStarHog
LoneStarHog's picture

Sheesh!  She looks more like a candidate to hawk Facebook!

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:39 | 2733074 Lets_Eat_Ben
Lets_Eat_Ben's picture

That's sad.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 09:18 | 2733405 TheFourthStooge-ing
TheFourthStooge-ing's picture

It is indeed sad. She apparently tried to retain her soul and her humanity. Wall Street takes people like that and crushes them into a paste.

May peace be upon her.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:41 | 2733079 Lets_Eat_Ben
Lets_Eat_Ben's picture

Hey WB how much do they offer to do the KR? Just curious...

 

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:42 | 2733082 Ghordius
Ghordius's picture

a suicide and no note left? this does not happen often, does it?

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:50 | 2733062 piliage
piliage's picture

Um...like ya... I know math, money and stuff....

Great! You're our new VP.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:35 | 2733065 Bastiat009
Bastiat009's picture

It's not because she looks good that she cannot be as stupid as the other traders/bankers. You always see beautiful women as smart and caring, but some of them are also plain dumb and capable of working for a criminal organization like Citi.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:41 | 2733078 Quinvarius
Quinvarius's picture

At least they are not worried about being taken seriously.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:42 | 2733080 xamax
xamax's picture

What is funny is that while one thinks the Wall Street fraud comedy has topped, these bastards always find an even higher level
But who cares if it once more fails as long as Helicopter Ben stands ready
Only pitiful !!

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:42 | 2733083 GraveyardSpiral
GraveyardSpiral's picture

I wonder what she thinks of the term "LEVERAGE"?  As in, perhaps you can LEVERAGE yourself over this for me, just for a minute....yeah....just like that....keep LEVERAGING yourself....again....yeah...just like that....

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:44 | 2733084 PaperBear
PaperBear's picture

She probably knows ZERO about the stuff she would be selling so this is just a multitude of law suits waiting to happen.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:56 | 2733123 valley chick
valley chick's picture

Agreed PaperBear...this is fukking pathetic as i am confident there are many intelligent women that would be qualified.....oh...wait a minute....it is not about economics....ok...she is qualified.   /sarc

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:58 | 2733128 Confused
Confused's picture

Of course she knows nothing of the industry that will now employ her. She worked for MTV. Which bascially means she is one chromosome away from crawling. On the surface though its a smooth transition.

 

I know they have a million VP's over there at shitti. But really?

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 08:31 | 2733198 Itch
Itch's picture

I think you'll find that knowing nothing is a usually a prerequisite.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:45 | 2733089 buzzsaw99
buzzsaw99's picture

Pvt. Joe Bowers: Man, I could really go for a Starbucks, y'know?
Frito: I don't really think we have time for a handjob, Joe.

[/idiocracy]

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:45 | 2733090 mendolover
mendolover's picture

Someone give that chic a cheeseburger.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:46 | 2733092 Red Heeler
Red Heeler's picture

Another Click Pic Chick

She looks good for a short trerm pop but not as a long term investment.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:46 | 2733093 Buckaroo Banzai
Buckaroo Banzai's picture

Most women that hot are soul-sucking vampires.

She'll fit right in. A perfect hire.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:46 | 2733094 piliage
piliage's picture

Maybe an international relations major will do better than all the quants? Or, maybe it's all going to hell in a hand basket anyway and we should simply just drink more...

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:48 | 2733101 NEOSERF
NEOSERF's picture

Should save on drinks at client meetings as it should take less booze to get the beer goggles on with that one.  End result is the same, clients will wake up on the floor of a motel room, half naked and their wallet cleaned out.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:49 | 2733103 onebir
Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:51 | 2733106 youngman
youngman's picture

I hope I get a toaster when I open my new account with her.....because I really want to put my slice of bread in it.....

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:54 | 2733112 vertexa
vertexa's picture

 

NICE!

 

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:53 | 2733113 Karl von Bahnhof
Karl von Bahnhof's picture

Hmmm... Nope. Too skinny.

Next! 

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 08:58 | 2733307 Angus McHugepenis
Angus McHugepenis's picture

When you slide it in you can hear the bones crack.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 10:07 | 2733620 Mr Lennon Hendrix
Mr Lennon Hendrix's picture

She is a lesbian, so good luck with that.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 10:42 | 2733790 Angus McHugepenis
Angus McHugepenis's picture

I'm also a lesbian because I prefer women. I just happen to have a big cock (how big is it?)... My schwang is so big it has it's own zip code. My balls have to call long distance to talk to the head. I had to get fat because when you have a tool like mine I had to put a shed over it.

Sorry, I lost my train of thought... where were we??? Oh yeah... time to start drinking... again.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:54 | 2733114 Let The Wurlitz...
Let The Wurlitzer Play's picture

If they really wanted to bust sales they should have hired a porn star.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 08:07 | 2733141 ParkAveFlasher
ParkAveFlasher's picture

wake me when they hire miss venezuela to sell oil futures..

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 08:32 | 2733206 SheepleLOVEched...
SheepleLOVEcheddarbaybiscuits's picture

imagine how pissed associates must have been who have slaved away for 3 years looking to get to VP! ha

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 08:36 | 2733220 orangedrinkandchips
orangedrinkandchips's picture

"GIMME HEAD TIL IM DEAD!"

(In reference to the classic shirt 'booger' wore in Revenge of the Nerds)

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 08:43 | 2733242 spanish inquisition
spanish inquisition's picture

Don't interfere! She's just trying to work like Kathleen Turner in The Man With Two Brains. (Just the first 1:50 of clip)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rW4Ih4AhIfI

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 08:50 | 2733271 EZYJET PILOT
EZYJET PILOT's picture

So the banks which are based on a corrupt model are now using a corrupt model to sell their shit, priceless.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 08:53 | 2733290 Downtoolong
Downtoolong's picture

I just hope my retirment fund manager isn't turned on by the idea of having an eight inch high heel rammed up his ass.

 

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 08:54 | 2733294 Lost Wages
Lost Wages's picture

Welcome to the New World Whore-der, where we pay shallow women to seduce shallow men into buying garbage.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 08:57 | 2733305 lizzy36
lizzy36's picture

She is a hot, gay x-model. Basically every overgrown insecure frat boys wet dream. 

Not a bad hire by Citi. She will drive sales.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 10:08 | 2733627 Mr Lennon Hendrix
Mr Lennon Hendrix's picture

This could be the first time I have ever agreed with Lizzy360.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 09:08 | 2733353 Angus McHugepenis
Angus McHugepenis's picture

Looks like Timmy G in drag.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 09:08 | 2733354 Coldfire
Coldfire's picture

A particularly fine example of the long-established principle that derivatives saleswomen are not chosen for their math skills.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 09:09 | 2733361 Fix It Again Timmy
Fix It Again Timmy's picture

She's a graduate of the Sharon Stone School of Sales...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=exhhNw-k7vQ&feature=related

 

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 09:13 | 2733375 El Hosel
El Hosel's picture

Buy her junk and she will giggle yours.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 09:18 | 2733401 Sanksion
Sanksion's picture

That makes me bullish.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 09:24 | 2733422 murdomcsponge
murdomcsponge's picture

Skin and bone! Totally sexless!!

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 09:26 | 2733426 John Law Lives
John Law Lives's picture

"...a VP in equity-derivative sales"

The title of "VP" in banks and other financial institutions is a joke these days.  There are so many employees with the title of "VP" these days that it has become absurd.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 09:28 | 2733436 EcoJoker
EcoJoker's picture

Hilarious thread - As much as you nerds think this woman isn't attractive, none of you internet geeks would kick this woman out of bed.   

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 09:58 | 2733569 lemarche
lemarche's picture

Jesus Christ... we re hitting rock bottom of decency and intelligence... when one who have tought banks would try to reverse course since 2008...

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 10:01 | 2733587 Mr Lennon Hendrix
Mr Lennon Hendrix's picture

She will make them a lot of monie.  Muppets don't understand product, they just understand presentation.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 10:07 | 2733613 OldE_Ant
OldE_Ant's picture

man all I see is bones, grizzle with a lot of eyeliner.  Don't they teach models how to smile anymore? It shows that Citi doesn't know how to put lipstick on a pig, but it does know how to put eyeliner on one.

Someone hurry and get that woman some meat and fat to put on her bones because all I see is a walking zombie that needs to be double tapped to make sure she stays down.

End of Line

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 11:01 | 2733873 Savvy
Savvy's picture

+1 I guess they think sullen is sexy.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 10:19 | 2733688 Peter K
Peter K's picture

A young Meridith Whitney ;)

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 10:21 | 2733713 toomanyfakecons...
toomanyfakeconservatives's picture

I'd walk by her on the street and not give her a second look.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 10:29 | 2733751 lemarche
lemarche's picture

Whether YOU think she s hot or not is completely irrelevant to this topic..... obviously some professionals do otherwise she would nt be a model...

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 10:29 | 2733752 banksterhater
banksterhater's picture

Immasciated BIAATCH !

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 10:31 | 2733760 FranSix
FranSix's picture

There's nowhere else to turn now that Abercrombie's underwear model retail plan proved underwhelming.  Will she be selling equity swaps in her underwear, by any chance?

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 10:40 | 2733794 lemarche
lemarche's picture

That s more the kind of question that this brings FranSix..

Instead of bringing clients to the strip bars they now bring the strippers to the clients !!! much more compliant ehh ! clever banks, they re learning the lessons

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 11:17 | 2733938 piliage
piliage's picture

I give you, the late great Bill Hicks.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gDW_Hj2K0wo

 

 

 

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 11:40 | 2734037 rosiescenario
rosiescenario's picture

Have to wonder how many and where her piercings are..........

Sat, 08/25/2012 - 16:33 | 2737535 SPADOC4
SPADOC4's picture

Looks like her tits have been rehypothecated....BiTcHeZ

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