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Citi Hires Top Model Contestant To Sell Equity Derivatives

Tyler Durden's picture





 

While we await the release of pictures for today's caption contest, namely Merkel and Samaras hugging it out, which incidentally will be today's top news, as the Greek PM enters the lioness' den and begs for more, only to hear Merkel recite Herman Cain's tax plan, here is another picture: it is of "America’s Next Top Model" contestant and MTV anchor Kim Stolz, who was just hired away by Citigroup from BTIG to be a VP in equity-derivative sales, according to Bloomberg’s Donal Griffin. This is a welcome development: with trading volumes at levels last seen in 1998, more and more banks will resort to hiring underemployed supermodels to incite their clients to transact with them (for all the obvious and not so obvious reasons). It also means that said supermodels will soon know all there is to know about delta, gamma, vega and theta. Which naturally sets the stage for Zoolander 2 and the latest and greatest face name: step aside "Blue Steel", enter "The Schwab Baby" - a look describing what happens when that massive short gamma position suddenly blows up in your face. At least the next round of Congressional hearings, when banks scapegoat the next bailout request on supermodels selling VIX, will be somewhat more attractive. Win win for everyone.

Kim Stolz

Kim Stolz

Kim Stolz

Kim Stolz

Kim Stolz

 


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Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:18 | Link to Comment Aziz
Aziz's picture

Den of vipers and thieves.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:22 | Link to Comment Death and Gravity
Death and Gravity's picture

TITS OR BUST

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:26 | Link to Comment Lets_Eat_Ben
Lets_Eat_Ben's picture

"...Yes Ms. Stolz that's a very impressive resume (ass) you have."

"...And your credentials (breasts) are impeccable..."

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:29 | Link to Comment francis_sawyer
francis_sawyer's picture

Lipstick on pigs bitchez...

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:38 | Link to Comment gold-is-not-dead
gold-is-not-dead's picture

geez... desperate move imho... 

"This is our CDS package, mostly B- and CD rated, and for a 1000$ extra you could get it anally..."

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:44 | Link to Comment HoofHearted
HoofHearted's picture

The worst thing is that she isn't even close to attractive. Citi can't get ANYTHING right.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:49 | Link to Comment SWRichmond
SWRichmond's picture

+1.  Way too skinny, the outfits don't even look good on her.  Also, the piled-on-top-of-each-other sexual signals (especially they eyes) are a turn off.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 08:07 | Link to Comment Short Memories
Short Memories's picture

Pirates ought to have a bigger chest!

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 09:21 | Link to Comment TheFourthStooge-ing
TheFourthStooge-ing's picture

In other news, in order to help improve their image, Goldman Sachs has hired public relations firm The Titté Brothers.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 10:16 | Link to Comment ihedgemyhedges
ihedgemyhedges's picture

Bloomberg chick just reported that Citi's new hire is a carpet muncher.  CLASSIC!!!!  Now the guys can just let their imaginations run wild while they consider her "portfolio of work".........

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 16:39 | Link to Comment Real Estate Geek
Real Estate Geek's picture

Which Bloomberg chick?  The blonde who wears a strap-on?

http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2012/05/demotivational-pos...

 

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:51 | Link to Comment GetZeeGold
GetZeeGold's picture

 

 

Dear.....you look a little thin. There are like zero calories in those derivatives.

 

Here.....have a sandwich.

 

 

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 09:09 | Link to Comment Martin W
Martin W's picture

Just skin and bone

Bearish!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 11:03 | Link to Comment daxtonbrown
daxtonbrown's picture

She may not be attractive over all, but i do find attractive her fetching open mouth "I'm gonna suck your balls dry" look, which sets my stock buyig genes on fire.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 10:52 | Link to Comment 5880
5880's picture

She will be selling:

Backspreads

Frontspreads

Straddles

Naked Puts

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:48 | Link to Comment The Paucity of Hope
The Paucity of Hope's picture

With luck, she knows how to put lipstick on a pig

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:38 | Link to Comment Buckaroo Banzai
Buckaroo Banzai's picture

Tits or GTFO!

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 10:04 | Link to Comment icanhasbailout
icanhasbailout's picture

tell that to her Photoshop guy

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:40 | Link to Comment The Butchers Dog
The Butchers Dog's picture

It's a dude, Which makes the caption fit:

Caption:  " I take it in the Ass, why can't you..."

Perfect Citibank pitch.

 

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 09:10 | Link to Comment TheFourthStooge-ing
TheFourthStooge-ing's picture

Now that's fucking hilarious.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 09:42 | Link to Comment Axenolith
Axenolith's picture

Really, what is it with elites and the "tweaker skank" look???

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:30 | Link to Comment Pool Shark
Pool Shark's picture

 

 

Brings a whole new meaning to:

"Tie me up; make me write bad checks..."

 

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:42 | Link to Comment LongSoupLine
LongSoupLine's picture

 

 

She looks like a complete evil bitch who is one eyeliner stroke into "that's a man, baby" territory.  So, with that, it's my assessment Citi is obviously trying to find their own "Blythe Masters".

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 08:59 | Link to Comment darrenstory
darrenstory's picture

Pretty sure she's a freind of Dorothy's.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 09:59 | Link to Comment Yamaha
Yamaha's picture

BTFD, BTFD, BTFD, WHERE DO I BUY!!!!!!!

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:18 | Link to Comment crosey
crosey's picture

Interesting outfit....black swan?

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 08:27 | Link to Comment Itch
Itch's picture

more like green dodo

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:27 | Link to Comment Capitalist
Capitalist's picture

Derivative buy side guy: "No I want to see your OTHER calendar spread!" ;)

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:20 | Link to Comment Lets_Eat_Ben
Lets_Eat_Ben's picture

Sex sells.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:22 | Link to Comment f16hoser
f16hoser's picture

Yeah, worst BJ I ever had was GREAT!

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:47 | Link to Comment NEOSERF
NEOSERF's picture

Lorena Bobbit is out and looking for you...

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:47 | Link to Comment Lets_Eat_Ben
Lets_Eat_Ben's picture

Did you finally make contact between the tip of your tongue and the head of your peepee? =)

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:23 | Link to Comment hugovanderbubble
hugovanderbubble's picture

U dont have guarantee of that...:)

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:20 | Link to Comment f16hoser
f16hoser's picture

Wanna earn a Gold Maple the hard way honey?

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 08:08 | Link to Comment malikai
malikai's picture

That thing isn't even worth a silver dime.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:22 | Link to Comment firstdivision
firstdivision's picture

If shCiti had just bought some US, German, and UK 10 years last week, they'd be set for the year.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:23 | Link to Comment Element
Element's picture

And this smash-trash model relates to derivatives because ... ???????????????????????????????

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:45 | Link to Comment LongSoupLine
LongSoupLine's picture

too easy a question...

 

because they're both superficial in real value and beauty.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:24 | Link to Comment Doubleguns
Doubleguns's picture

Harlots will now be available to serve you.

 

That should pick sales up substantially.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:31 | Link to Comment Lets_Eat_Ben
Lets_Eat_Ben's picture

"I told you I wouldn't have to marry one of daddy's rich friends to be suckcessful; I'm like totally independent and junk now."

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:25 | Link to Comment Frastric
Frastric's picture

I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!!! BLUE STEEL AND THE SCHWAB BABY ARE THE SAME THING!

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:26 | Link to Comment spinone
spinone's picture

She doesn't even like men.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:32 | Link to Comment Lets_Eat_Ben
Lets_Eat_Ben's picture

That is truly the injustice here.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:58 | Link to Comment Bobbyrib
Bobbyrib's picture

Yeah, if Citi hired her for her looks, you would think they would have researched that.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:26 | Link to Comment lsbumblebee
lsbumblebee's picture

When somebody says credit derivatives I get like all goosepimply and horny and stuff.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:26 | Link to Comment hugovanderbubble
hugovanderbubble's picture

Thanks Citi...for not hiring me,...u prefer a bitchEZ rather than a professional.

http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/525/blast2012financialworld.jpg/

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:29 | Link to Comment jcaz
jcaz's picture

....That Merkel, she's so hot right now.......

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:37 | Link to Comment milanitaly
milanitaly's picture

she has just said "we want Greece stays with us" ...... very hot as usual.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:30 | Link to Comment B2u
B2u's picture

She already has a girl friend.

 

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:31 | Link to Comment ZeroPower
ZeroPower's picture

Nothing new. Went out in London last summer with some friends from the JPM office, they had a new hot intern (ex-model, she was looking for something "different" and "challenging"!) who was the most viewed person on bloomberg for like 3 months in a row. Can't remember if she had gotten a FT offer or not, but would not surprise me in the least.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:34 | Link to Comment LoneStarHog
LoneStarHog's picture

Sheesh!  She looks more like a candidate to hawk Facebook!

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:39 | Link to Comment Lets_Eat_Ben
Lets_Eat_Ben's picture

That's sad.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 09:18 | Link to Comment TheFourthStooge-ing
TheFourthStooge-ing's picture

It is indeed sad. She apparently tried to retain her soul and her humanity. Wall Street takes people like that and crushes them into a paste.

May peace be upon her.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:41 | Link to Comment Lets_Eat_Ben
Lets_Eat_Ben's picture

Hey WB how much do they offer to do the KR? Just curious...

 

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:42 | Link to Comment Ghordius
Ghordius's picture

a suicide and no note left? this does not happen often, does it?

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:50 | Link to Comment piliage
piliage's picture

Um...like ya... I know math, money and stuff....

Great! You're our new VP.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:35 | Link to Comment Bastiat009
Bastiat009's picture

It's not because she looks good that she cannot be as stupid as the other traders/bankers. You always see beautiful women as smart and caring, but some of them are also plain dumb and capable of working for a criminal organization like Citi.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:41 | Link to Comment Quinvarius
Quinvarius's picture

At least they are not worried about being taken seriously.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:42 | Link to Comment xamax
xamax's picture

What is funny is that while one thinks the Wall Street fraud comedy has topped, these bastards always find an even higher level
But who cares if it once more fails as long as Helicopter Ben stands ready
Only pitiful !!

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:42 | Link to Comment GraveyardSpiral
GraveyardSpiral's picture

I wonder what she thinks of the term "LEVERAGE"?  As in, perhaps you can LEVERAGE yourself over this for me, just for a minute....yeah....just like that....keep LEVERAGING yourself....again....yeah...just like that....

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:44 | Link to Comment PaperBear
PaperBear's picture

She probably knows ZERO about the stuff she would be selling so this is just a multitude of law suits waiting to happen.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:56 | Link to Comment valley chick
valley chick's picture

Agreed PaperBear...this is fukking pathetic as i am confident there are many intelligent women that would be qualified.....oh...wait a minute....it is not about economics....ok...she is qualified.   /sarc

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:58 | Link to Comment Confused
Confused's picture

Of course she knows nothing of the industry that will now employ her. She worked for MTV. Which bascially means she is one chromosome away from crawling. On the surface though its a smooth transition.

 

I know they have a million VP's over there at shitti. But really?

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 08:31 | Link to Comment Itch
Itch's picture

I think you'll find that knowing nothing is a usually a prerequisite.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:45 | Link to Comment buzzsaw99
buzzsaw99's picture

Pvt. Joe Bowers: Man, I could really go for a Starbucks, y'know?
Frito: I don't really think we have time for a handjob, Joe.

[/idiocracy]

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:45 | Link to Comment mendolover
mendolover's picture

Someone give that chic a cheeseburger.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:46 | Link to Comment Red Heeler
Red Heeler's picture

Another Click Pic Chick

She looks good for a short trerm pop but not as a long term investment.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:46 | Link to Comment Buckaroo Banzai
Buckaroo Banzai's picture

Most women that hot are soul-sucking vampires.

She'll fit right in. A perfect hire.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:46 | Link to Comment piliage
piliage's picture

Maybe an international relations major will do better than all the quants? Or, maybe it's all going to hell in a hand basket anyway and we should simply just drink more...

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:48 | Link to Comment NEOSERF
NEOSERF's picture

Should save on drinks at client meetings as it should take less booze to get the beer goggles on with that one.  End result is the same, clients will wake up on the floor of a motel room, half naked and their wallet cleaned out.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:49 | Link to Comment onebir
Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:51 | Link to Comment youngman
youngman's picture

I hope I get a toaster when I open my new account with her.....because I really want to put my slice of bread in it.....

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:54 | Link to Comment vertexa
vertexa's picture

 

NICE!

 

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:53 | Link to Comment Karl von Bahnhof
Karl von Bahnhof's picture

Hmmm... Nope. Too skinny.

Next! 

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 08:58 | Link to Comment Angus McHugepenis
Angus McHugepenis's picture

When you slide it in you can hear the bones crack.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 10:07 | Link to Comment Mr Lennon Hendrix
Mr Lennon Hendrix's picture

She is a lesbian, so good luck with that.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 10:42 | Link to Comment Angus McHugepenis
Angus McHugepenis's picture

I'm also a lesbian because I prefer women. I just happen to have a big cock (how big is it?)... My schwang is so big it has it's own zip code. My balls have to call long distance to talk to the head. I had to get fat because when you have a tool like mine I had to put a shed over it.

Sorry, I lost my train of thought... where were we??? Oh yeah... time to start drinking... again.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:54 | Link to Comment Let The Wurlitz...
Let The Wurlitzer Play's picture

If they really wanted to bust sales they should have hired a porn star.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 08:07 | Link to Comment ParkAveFlasher
ParkAveFlasher's picture

wake me when they hire miss venezuela to sell oil futures..

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 08:32 | Link to Comment SheepleLOVEched...
SheepleLOVEcheddarbaybiscuits's picture

imagine how pissed associates must have been who have slaved away for 3 years looking to get to VP! ha

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 08:36 | Link to Comment orangedrinkandchips
orangedrinkandchips's picture

"GIMME HEAD TIL IM DEAD!"

(In reference to the classic shirt 'booger' wore in Revenge of the Nerds)

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 08:43 | Link to Comment spanish inquisition
spanish inquisition's picture

Don't interfere! She's just trying to work like Kathleen Turner in The Man With Two Brains. (Just the first 1:50 of clip)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rW4Ih4AhIfI

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 08:50 | Link to Comment EZYJET PILOT
EZYJET PILOT's picture

So the banks which are based on a corrupt model are now using a corrupt model to sell their shit, priceless.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 08:53 | Link to Comment Downtoolong
Downtoolong's picture

I just hope my retirment fund manager isn't turned on by the idea of having an eight inch high heel rammed up his ass.

 

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 08:54 | Link to Comment Lost Wages
Lost Wages's picture

Welcome to the New World Whore-der, where we pay shallow women to seduce shallow men into buying garbage.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 08:57 | Link to Comment lizzy36
lizzy36's picture

She is a hot, gay x-model. Basically every overgrown insecure frat boys wet dream. 

Not a bad hire by Citi. She will drive sales.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 10:08 | Link to Comment Mr Lennon Hendrix
Mr Lennon Hendrix's picture

This could be the first time I have ever agreed with Lizzy360.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 09:08 | Link to Comment Angus McHugepenis
Angus McHugepenis's picture

Looks like Timmy G in drag.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 09:08 | Link to Comment Coldfire
Coldfire's picture

A particularly fine example of the long-established principle that derivatives saleswomen are not chosen for their math skills.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 09:09 | Link to Comment Fix It Again Timmy
Fix It Again Timmy's picture

She's a graduate of the Sharon Stone School of Sales...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=exhhNw-k7vQ&feature=related

 

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 09:13 | Link to Comment El Hosel
El Hosel's picture

Buy her junk and she will giggle yours.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 09:18 | Link to Comment Sanksion
Sanksion's picture

That makes me bullish.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 09:24 | Link to Comment murdomcsponge
murdomcsponge's picture

Skin and bone! Totally sexless!!

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 09:26 | Link to Comment John Law Lives
John Law Lives's picture

"...a VP in equity-derivative sales"

The title of "VP" in banks and other financial institutions is a joke these days.  There are so many employees with the title of "VP" these days that it has become absurd.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 09:28 | Link to Comment EcoJoker
EcoJoker's picture

Hilarious thread - As much as you nerds think this woman isn't attractive, none of you internet geeks would kick this woman out of bed.   

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 09:58 | Link to Comment lemarche
lemarche's picture

Jesus Christ... we re hitting rock bottom of decency and intelligence... when one who have tought banks would try to reverse course since 2008...

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 10:01 | Link to Comment Mr Lennon Hendrix
Mr Lennon Hendrix's picture

She will make them a lot of monie.  Muppets don't understand product, they just understand presentation.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 10:07 | Link to Comment OldE_Ant
OldE_Ant's picture

man all I see is bones, grizzle with a lot of eyeliner.  Don't they teach models how to smile anymore? It shows that Citi doesn't know how to put lipstick on a pig, but it does know how to put eyeliner on one.

Someone hurry and get that woman some meat and fat to put on her bones because all I see is a walking zombie that needs to be double tapped to make sure she stays down.

End of Line

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 11:01 | Link to Comment Savvy
Savvy's picture

+1 I guess they think sullen is sexy.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 10:19 | Link to Comment Peter K
Peter K's picture

A young Meridith Whitney ;)

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 10:21 | Link to Comment toomanyfakecons...
toomanyfakeconservatives's picture

I'd walk by her on the street and not give her a second look.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 10:29 | Link to Comment lemarche
lemarche's picture

Whether YOU think she s hot or not is completely irrelevant to this topic..... obviously some professionals do otherwise she would nt be a model...

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 10:29 | Link to Comment banksterhater
banksterhater's picture

Immasciated BIAATCH !

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 10:31 | Link to Comment FranSix
FranSix's picture

There's nowhere else to turn now that Abercrombie's underwear model retail plan proved underwhelming.  Will she be selling equity swaps in her underwear, by any chance?

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 10:40 | Link to Comment lemarche
lemarche's picture

That s more the kind of question that this brings FranSix..

Instead of bringing clients to the strip bars they now bring the strippers to the clients !!! much more compliant ehh ! clever banks, they re learning the lessons

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 11:17 | Link to Comment piliage
piliage's picture

I give you, the late great Bill Hicks.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gDW_Hj2K0wo

 

 

 

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 11:40 | Link to Comment rosiescenario
rosiescenario's picture

Have to wonder how many and where her piercings are..........

Sat, 08/25/2012 - 16:33 | Link to Comment SPADOC4
SPADOC4's picture

Looks like her tits have been rehypothecated....BiTcHeZ

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