Citi Hires Top Model Contestant To Sell Equity Derivatives

Tyler Durden's picture




 

While we await the release of pictures for today's caption contest, namely Merkel and Samaras hugging it out, which incidentally will be today's top news, as the Greek PM enters the lioness' den and begs for more, only to hear Merkel recite Herman Cain's tax plan, here is another picture: it is of "America’s Next Top Model" contestant and MTV anchor Kim Stolz, who was just hired away by Citigroup from BTIG to be a VP in equity-derivative sales, according to Bloomberg’s Donal Griffin. This is a welcome development: with trading volumes at levels last seen in 1998, more and more banks will resort to hiring underemployed supermodels to incite their clients to transact with them (for all the obvious and not so obvious reasons). It also means that said supermodels will soon know all there is to know about delta, gamma, vega and theta. Which naturally sets the stage for Zoolander 2 and the latest and greatest face name: step aside "Blue Steel", enter "The Schwab Baby" - a look describing what happens when that massive short gamma position suddenly blows up in your face. At least the next round of Congressional hearings, when banks scapegoat the next bailout request on supermodels selling VIX, will be somewhat more attractive. Win win for everyone.

Kim Stolz

Kim Stolz

Kim Stolz

Kim Stolz

Kim Stolz

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Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:18 | 2733023 Aziz
Aziz's picture

Den of vipers and thieves.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:22 | 2733032 Death and Gravity
Death and Gravity's picture

TITS OR BUST

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:26 | 2733040 Lets_Eat_Ben
Lets_Eat_Ben's picture

"...Yes Ms. Stolz that's a very impressive resume (ass) you have."

"...And your credentials (breasts) are impeccable..."

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:29 | 2733048 francis_sawyer
francis_sawyer's picture

Lipstick on pigs bitchez...

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:38 | 2733071 gold-is-not-dead
gold-is-not-dead's picture

geez... desperate move imho... 

"This is our CDS package, mostly B- and CD rated, and for a 1000$ extra you could get it anally..."

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:44 | 2733086 HoofHearted
HoofHearted's picture

The worst thing is that she isn't even close to attractive. Citi can't get ANYTHING right.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:49 | 2733104 SWRichmond
SWRichmond's picture

+1.  Way too skinny, the outfits don't even look good on her.  Also, the piled-on-top-of-each-other sexual signals (especially they eyes) are a turn off.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 08:07 | 2733140 Short Memories
Short Memories's picture

Pirates ought to have a bigger chest!

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 09:21 | 2733413 TheFourthStooge-ing
TheFourthStooge-ing's picture

In other news, in order to help improve their image, Goldman Sachs has hired public relations firm The Titté Brothers.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 10:16 | 2733671 ihedgemyhedges
ihedgemyhedges's picture

Bloomberg chick just reported that Citi's new hire is a carpet muncher.  CLASSIC!!!!  Now the guys can just let their imaginations run wild while they consider her "portfolio of work".........

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 16:39 | 2735306 Real Estate Geek
Real Estate Geek's picture

Which Bloomberg chick?  The blonde who wears a strap-on?

http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2012/05/demotivational-pos...

 

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:51 | 2733107 GetZeeGold
GetZeeGold's picture

 

 

Dear.....you look a little thin. There are like zero calories in those derivatives.

 

Here.....have a sandwich.

 

 

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 09:09 | 2733357 Martin W
Martin W's picture

Just skin and bone

Bearish!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 11:03 | 2733881 daxtonbrown
daxtonbrown's picture

She may not be attractive over all, but i do find attractive her fetching open mouth "I'm gonna suck your balls dry" look, which sets my stock buyig genes on fire.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 10:52 | 2733834 5880
5880's picture

She will be selling:

Backspreads

Frontspreads

Straddles

Naked Puts

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:48 | 2733100 The Paucity of Hope
The Paucity of Hope's picture

With luck, she knows how to put lipstick on a pig

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:38 | 2733072 Buckaroo Banzai
Buckaroo Banzai's picture

Tits or GTFO!

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 10:04 | 2733599 icanhasbailout
icanhasbailout's picture

tell that to her Photoshop guy

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:40 | 2733077 The Butchers Dog
The Butchers Dog's picture

It's a dude, Which makes the caption fit:

Caption:  " I take it in the Ass, why can't you..."

Perfect Citibank pitch.

 

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 09:10 | 2733364 TheFourthStooge-ing
TheFourthStooge-ing's picture

Now that's fucking hilarious.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 09:42 | 2733489 Axenolith
Axenolith's picture

Really, what is it with elites and the "tweaker skank" look???

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:30 | 2733051 Pool Shark
Pool Shark's picture

 

 

Brings a whole new meaning to:

"Tie me up; make me write bad checks..."

 

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:42 | 2733081 LongSoupLine
LongSoupLine's picture

 

 

She looks like a complete evil bitch who is one eyeliner stroke into "that's a man, baby" territory.  So, with that, it's my assessment Citi is obviously trying to find their own "Blythe Masters".

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 08:59 | 2733312 darrenstory
darrenstory's picture

Pretty sure she's a freind of Dorothy's.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 09:59 | 2733576 Yamaha
Yamaha's picture

BTFD, BTFD, BTFD, WHERE DO I BUY!!!!!!!

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:18 | 2733024 crosey
crosey's picture

Interesting outfit....black swan?

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 08:27 | 2733181 Itch
Itch's picture

more like green dodo

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:20 | 2733027 Lets_Eat_Ben
Lets_Eat_Ben's picture

Sex sells.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:22 | 2733031 f16hoser
f16hoser's picture

Yeah, worst BJ I ever had was GREAT!

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:47 | 2733097 NEOSERF
NEOSERF's picture

Lorena Bobbit is out and looking for you...

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:47 | 2733098 Lets_Eat_Ben
Lets_Eat_Ben's picture

Did you finally make contact between the tip of your tongue and the head of your peepee? =)

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:23 | 2733034 hugovanderbubble
hugovanderbubble's picture

U dont have guarantee of that...:)

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:20 | 2733028 f16hoser
f16hoser's picture

Wanna earn a Gold Maple the hard way honey?

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 08:08 | 2733143 malikai
malikai's picture

That thing isn't even worth a silver dime.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:22 | 2733033 firstdivision
firstdivision's picture

If shCiti had just bought some US, German, and UK 10 years last week, they'd be set for the year.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:23 | 2733036 Element
Element's picture

And this smash-trash model relates to derivatives because ... ???????????????????????????????

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:45 | 2733091 LongSoupLine
LongSoupLine's picture

too easy a question...

 

because they're both superficial in real value and beauty.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:24 | 2733038 Doubleguns
Doubleguns's picture

Harlots will now be available to serve you.

 

That should pick sales up substantially.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:31 | 2733054 Lets_Eat_Ben
Lets_Eat_Ben's picture

"I told you I wouldn't have to marry one of daddy's rich friends to be suckcessful; I'm like totally independent and junk now."

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:25 | 2733039 Frastric
Frastric's picture

I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!!! BLUE STEEL AND THE SCHWAB BABY ARE THE SAME THING!

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:26 | 2733041 spinone
spinone's picture

She doesn't even like men.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:32 | 2733056 Lets_Eat_Ben
Lets_Eat_Ben's picture

That is truly the injustice here.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:58 | 2733127 Bobbyrib
Bobbyrib's picture

Yeah, if Citi hired her for her looks, you would think they would have researched that.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:26 | 2733042 lsbumblebee
lsbumblebee's picture

When somebody says credit derivatives I get like all goosepimply and horny and stuff.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:26 | 2733043 hugovanderbubble
hugovanderbubble's picture

Thanks Citi...for not hiring me,...u prefer a bitchEZ rather than a professional.

http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/525/blast2012financialworld.jpg/

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:29 | 2733049 jcaz
jcaz's picture

....That Merkel, she's so hot right now.......

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:37 | 2733061 milanitaly
milanitaly's picture

she has just said "we want Greece stays with us" ...... very hot as usual.

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:30 | 2733052 B2u
B2u's picture

She already has a girl friend.

 

Fri, 08/24/2012 - 07:31 | 2733053 ZeroPower
ZeroPower's picture

Nothing new. Went out in London last summer with some friends from the JPM office, they had a new hot intern (ex-model, she was looking for something "different" and "challenging"!) who was the most viewed person on bloomberg for like 3 months in a row. Can't remember if she had gotten a FT offer or not, but would not surprise me in the least.

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