Diebold Leaks Election Results Early... Again

Tyler Durden's picture

Yes, it has happened before, but since truth is timeless, we were not surprised to find that it has been "leaked" again, in this timeless clip from TheOnion which explains everything one needs to know about the upcoming "elections"

h/t Mike Krieger

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TruthInSunshine's picture

Step into the booth, draw the curtains closed, and cast your hologram, bitchez.

We'll get who they like.



***Breaking News Scroll - We interrupt your batin' to report that a possibly armed & dangerous Not Sure has escaped from prison. President Camacho has issued a declarum maximus, sponsored by Brawndo (its got electorolytes!), to say something if you see something. Costco loves you. Eat your Green Giant Peas.***

dexter_morgan's picture

Right, kick ass. Well, don't want to sound like a dick or nothin', but, ah... it says on your chart that you're fucked up. Ah, you talk like a fag, and your shit's all retarded. What I'd do, is just like... like... you know, like, you know what I mean, like...

Gully Foyle's picture

Carroll Commission Spokesman: Ladies and gentlemen, you have been invited here today for the official announcement of the inquiry into the death of Senator Charles Carroll. This is an announcement, not a press conference. Therefore, there will be no questions. A complete transcript of the investigation is being prepared for publication on March 1st. At that time, the committee will hold a full-scale press conference. After nearly four months of investigation, followed by nine weeks of hearings, it is the conclusion of this committee that Senator Carroll was assassinated by Thomas Richard Linden. It is our further conclusion that he acted entirely alone, motivated by a sense of patriotism and a psychotic desire for public recognition. The committee wishes to emphasize that there is no evidence of any wider conspiracy; no evidence whatsoever. It's our hope that this will put an end to the kind of irresponsible and exploitive speculation conducted by the press in recent months, as I've said in the complete text of the hearings, which provides the bases for the committee's findings which will be published on March 1st. When you've had a chance to examine the evidence, you'll have every opportunity to ask those questions which remain unanswered, if they are any. That is all. Thank you.


Hammond Commission Spokesman: Ladies and gentlemen, you've been invited here today for the official announcement of the inquiry into the death of George Hammond. A complete transcript of the investigation is in preparation. This committee has spent nearly six months of investigation, followed by eleven weeks of hearings. After careful deliberation, it is concluded that George Hammond was assassinated by Joseph Frady. An overwhelming body of evidence has revealed that Frady was obsessed with the Carroll assassination, and in his confused and distorted state of mind seems to have imagined that Hammond was responsible for the senator's death. He was equally convinced that Hammond was somehow plotting to kill him. And it is for those reasons that Frady assassinated him. Although I'm certain that this will do nothing to discourage the conspiracy peddlers: there is no evidence of a conspiracy in the assassination of George Hammond. Those are our findings. The evidence will be available as soon as possible. Thank you. This is an announcement, gentlemen. There will be no questions.

asdasmos's picture
Fed Members Laughed As Housing Bubble Grew

 - http://www.cnbc.com/id/46194541

trav7777's picture

GWB 3.0...the band played on

Milestones's picture

NO! You took out Casey and the bucket of shit part---Damn ferniers.           Milestones

Dave Thomas's picture

I heard that this guy named Mario Monti was voted in democratically after Silvio Berlosconi stepped down, is that the same thing? I mean he wants to help Italy right?


Ghordius's picture

Monti was not elected, he was appointed by the President of the Italian Republic and de facto confirmed by the parliament. Radically different political system.

feel a bit grumpy to have to make a serious comment after this hilarious Onion piece...

hannah's picture

truth...that reminds me i need to have my taxes done with a happy ending

TruthInSunshine's picture

"Vote early and often."

Message sponsored by: Happy Valley Nails, Massage & Tax Preparation

Because it's your money, and you need it now.

whstlblwr's picture

Serve on Vote Watch

"There is only one way to immediately find out whether Scytl/SOE/[Diebold] reported the right results*, and that is for members of the public to capture evidence of reported precinct results when polls close. Think of it as a giant neighborhood watch.

Precinct results should be posted at each polling site. In addition, during poll closing the public has a right to be in the polling place watching and videotaping what goes on.

Here is a four-minute video showing exactly what to do:


macholatte's picture


here's one way to buy the election



It is enough that the people know there was an election. The people who cast the votes decide nothing. The people who count the votes decide everything.
Joseph Stalin


Pike Bishop's picture

Funny you should mention that.

Romney's SuperPac is already drafting an outline for legislation in his platform regarding the fiscal policy plank.

For taxes and The Deficit, you will be able to pre-pay your income taxes for 2012-15. It's on the Honor System. Whatever you pay is good, and you're clear till the next Presidential election year..

The catch is that it's to be paid in gold, and the minum is 10 oz./yr. Drop off points will be banks held by Primary Dealers.

For Energy policy, they plan to work with Congress on a bill where Negroes and/or Food Stamp recipients will legally be declared firewood.

You heard it first here.

Gully Foyle's picture

I don't vote. Two reasons. First of all it's meaningless; this country was bought and sold a long time ago. The shit they shovel around every 4 years *pfff* doesn't mean a fucking thing. Secondly, I believe if you vote, you have no right to complain. People like to twist that around – they say, 'If you don't vote, you have no right to complain', but where's the logic in that? If you vote and you elect dishonest, incompetent people into office who screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You caused the problem; you voted them in; you have no right to complain. I, on the other hand, who did not vote, who in fact did not even leave the house on election day, am in no way responsible for what these people have done and have every right to complain about the mess you created that I had nothing to do with.”

“The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election”"Now, there's one thing you might have noticed I don't complain about: politicians. Everybody complains about politicians. Everybody says they suck. Well, where do people think these politicians come from? They don't fall out of the sky. They don't pass through a membrane from another reality. They come from American parents and American families, American homes, American schools, American churches, American businesses and American universities, and they are elected by American citizens. This is the best we can do folks. This is what we have to offer. It's what our system produces: Garbage in, garbage out. If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're going to get selfish, ignorant leaders. Term limits ain't going to do any good; you're just going to end up with a brand new bunch of selfish, ignorant Americans. So, maybe, maybe, maybe, it's not the politicians who suck. Maybe something else sucks around here... like, the public. Yeah, the public sucks. There's a nice campaign slogan for somebody: 'The Public Sucks. Fuck Hope.'"

"I have solved this political dilemma in a very direct way: I don't vote. On Election Day, I stay home. I firmly believe that if you vote, you have no right to complain. Now, some people like to twist that around. They say, 'If you don't vote, you have no right to complain,' but where's the logic in that? If you vote, and you elect dishonest, incompetent politicians, and they get into office and screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You voted them in. You caused the problem. You have no right to complain. I, on the other hand, who did not vote -- who did not even leave the house on Election Day -- am in no way responsible for that these politicians have done and have every right to complain about the mess that you created."

George Carlin

whstlblwr's picture

Carlin was funny, but if he said this it's bullshit. First, Hitler was never elected, he only had 37 percent of vote. Hindenburg won majority vote.

It's not easy to take power from the status quo, you can lay around spitting anger at your computer or you can do something.

NotApplicable's picture

Wow, that's a pretty serious effort at missing a point.

As for doing something, how about STOP supporting the evil called voting?

Taint Boil's picture

The Onion has more credibility than Fox News - now that is pathetic.

divide_by_zero's picture

Perhaps you get you news from the truly pathetic Soros media network; MSNBC, HuffPoo, any of George's direct sites and associated blogs(thinkprogress, media matters,..), CBS, NBC, ABC, NPR/PBS, CNN, NYT, WaPo etc. He's even gotten into Columbia School of Journalism.

memyselfiu's picture

I smell something....did I just step in a pile of Glen Beck?

Funny, I didn't notice a chalkboard......

Desert Irish's picture

I guess it was Churchill that stated something about democracy being the lesser of all evils.

I'm hoping there was a sarc missed on the above post. I originally came from a country that has compulsory voting which is an oxymoron hence I refused to vote because it went against the spirit of democracy. Then I grew up and realized if I could'nt be bothered to spend 30 minutes once every 4 years to decide whom would govern me then I deserved what I got. I think that's called maturity.

When American Idol recives more votes tha the US president it's game over unless we start eductating our youth what excactly a vote entails...

Sorry mate you get a downtick.



el Gallinazo's picture

But President Hindenburg appointed him Chancellor, just as W and O'bumma appointed the Bernank Chairman.  All part of "democracy."

Road Hazard's picture

Let me do some fixing up..... "They come from WEALTHY American parents and WEALTHY American families, WEALTHY American homes, WEALTHY American schools, WEALTHY American churches, WEALTHY American businesses and WEALTHY American universities, and they are elected by machines and out right voter fraud. "

Christophe2's picture

Well said.


I think the biggest issue with our system is that all of the politicians come from the 'Machine', and hence they are selected from the very start to be sellouts.  Even places like Zerohedge ONLY discuss candidates from the main parties - HOW ABOUT COVERING INDEPENDENT CANDIDATES?

=> Why is Ron Paul only compared against the pukes in the 2 main parties?  It's easy to look good when you limit the field as they do...


To wit: there are (surely) candidates out there who are not only against the Fed, but who also agree that 9/11 was an inside job and that Israel is NOT A FRIEND.  Ron Paul is a Washington political insider so well connected that he played a major role in getting Reagan nominated, and the guy is also deeply involved in free masonry: RP's father was a mason, and his wife and daughters are members of satellite orgs (Rainbow Girls, etc.).


I'm sure I'll get blasted by the RP machine for posting this, but I hope you'll notice they never have answers to these key questions (eg: watch them rationalize why their man is lying about 9/11).

fuu's picture

How about writing an article about them and submitting it? Quit waiting for other people to do your work for you.

falun bong's picture

Anyone who doesn't vote gets no further right to bitch. So go vote, and teach your friends whom to vote for. Yes we do have the power, if enough of us stick together and get going. My generation stopped a war and threw out a president who was a crook. We can do it again. Apathy is just what TPTB want from you...don't give it to them!

Parabolic's picture

This is a MUST watch documentary. MAJOR props to Bev Harris and her crew for really sticking their lives and necks out on the line to find the truth behind these machines. This was featured on HBO--It's called Hacking Democracy. After watching it, I don't even know what to say or where to begin...but really confirms my initial gut reaction about the South Carolina primaries...


kridkrid's picture

Yeah... they did a great job with that film.  Amazing (not really) how little publicity it got, though it did make it onto HBO, which was surprising to me.

Our elections have been "fixed" for a very long time.  They were fixed without fudging the vote.  They were fixed in that people assumed that one candidate would provide some alternative to another, but clearly that's not the case.  But voter fraud is important now that politics have become an important diversion to our grim reality.  While American politics have been a form of loosely scripted reality TV for a couple of generations; like everything else, now that the entire system is beginning to buckle, it's a full on circus.  Bread and circus if you include food stamps.

2012 needs to top 2008 to keep people interested.  Obama vs. Hilary was tremendous theater... a black man with a Muslim sounding name vs. a former first lady... wow.  The R's have provided train wreck theater... but I think there's more to come.  There has to be.  The D's will have Chicago under siege for their convention... the R's will have a brokered convention and draft their nominee (or something equally enthralling).

blindfaith's picture




They used to fix the vote by handing you cash to vote for some guy.

Boy I miss the old days.

TruthInSunshine's picture

Thanks for the link to that documentary, Parabolic.

It's pretty incredible how far we've let ourselves fall since we were a collectively proud, but independently stubborn people, who knew what was up, and who served whom.

How far we've fallen.... sad...


p.s. - nice avatar.

DollarMenu's picture

Thanks Parabolic.

Great information in that movie.

ian807's picture

Sigh. Remember when the Onion was satire.

midtowng's picture

That was a long time ago. They've actually been unintentionally predicting the future for the last decade.

Gully Foyle's picture

Trixie: You will be free to come and go through your own front fuckin' door, and as you lay in your beddy-bye, I'll pop from the wall like Grandma Groundhog in a story book and attend to your johnson, as he'd not see you jeopardize your mayor's campaign whore-fuckin' in your place of business. And I'll have installed in room 3-fuckin'-C or the like of Shaunessey's adjacent shitbox, that he's paid Shaunessey to cut a hole through to ease my fuckin' fuckin' you.
Sol Star: Swearengen has?
Trixie: Who the fuck was I just talking to?
Sol Star: I don't know, you said you'd just gone to piss.

Sunshine n Lollipops's picture

The best show evah. They made Mamet seem pedestrian.

4horse's picture

B: pedestrian?

A: pedestrian.

[significant staring]

A: made it seem pedestrian.

[significance itself]







C pedestrian

                      {not step1 without stepping in it}

Sunshine n Lollipops's picture

That certainly clears things up.

lolmao500's picture

Wouldn't surprise me if that hack Rove gave the primary results before the polls even closed like in Iowa.

Election fraud? Not happening in America... right? Right?

RiverRoad's picture

It's all done with the absentee ballots, folks......(no joke).

NotApplicable's picture

Who cares? It's all factional in-fighting anyway, and matters not a lick which puppet wins the throne (other than the flavor of lies).

HK's picture

So true NA, here's a copy of Ron Paul's platform..... from 1958:


DosZap's picture


Yes, the sitting PompousPotus,makes sure the military never gets their absentee ballots in time to be counted.

And if the winner is actually losing, or lost, a few TRUNKFULS show up, and the people in charge make sure these FOUND votes get officially counted.

When you see those votes allowed you know the game is rigged.(like for Mr.Clitorus )

a growing concern's picture

Bullish for hanging chads.

tmosley's picture

I'd trade all the hanging chads in the world for one hanging Ben and one hanging Timmah.

francis_sawyer's picture

DIEBOLD (With a Vengance)... bitchez!

blindman's picture

i have a vial of chads from the florida
2000 election. i saved them thinking that
someday someone would want to buy them for
lots of federal reserve notes as like ...
a piece of history, americana of the extinct
and abstract, like anti-artifacts or something?
anyone interested?
item description: little pieces of circular
type paper in a plastic vial labeled
" certified florida chad , 11/2000 " or something like that.
also, if there is interest i can make more !
you can leave your orders here or if you are in
a hurry just make your own.

francis_sawyer's picture

I sold my VIAL (venetian glass ~ not PLASTIC), last week for:


I printed them all up out of thin air!

You're late to the Ponzi there Bernie...