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A 'Different' Goldman Response To Greg Smith

Tyler Durden's picture




 

Andy Borowitz provides the one retort to Greg Smith that only free taxpayer money and trillions in bailouts can buy. In other news, we fully expect Mr. Smith to enact a voluntary refund of the 12 years worth of compensation and bonuses earned while working at Goldman any minute now. Or maybe epiphanies on Goldman "culture" following more than a decade of employment comes without compensation clawbacks?

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – The following letter to Goldman Sachs’ worldwide clients was issued today by Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein:

Dear Goldman Client:

By now, many of you have probably read the regrettable resignation letter published in today’s New York Times by former Goldman executive Greg Smith, explaining why he is leaving the firm after twelve years.

In the letter, in which he excoriates Goldman and his practices, Mr. Smith comes across as a man of conscience, ideals, and high moral standards.  And as you read his words, you no doubt asked yourself this troubling question: how could Goldman have hired such a person?

At Goldman, we pride ourselves on our ability to scour the world’s universities and business schools for the finest sociopaths money will buy.  Once in our internship program, these youths are subjected to rigorous evaluations to root out even the slightest evidence of a soul.  But, as the case of Mr. Smith shows, even the most time-tested system for detecting shreds of humanity can blow a gasket now and then.  For that, we can only offer you our deepest apology and the reassurance that one good apple won’t spoil the whole bunch.

As to those of you who were serviced by Mr. Smith, it’s understandable that you would be concerned about who will be taking his place going forward.  On that front, I have some exciting news: today, Goldman is pleased to announce that our new executive director and head of the United States equity derivatives business in Europe, the Middle East and Africa will be Mr. Joseph Kony.  For those unfamiliar with Mr. Kony’s resume, let me assure you that he has the character and moral standards you have come to expect from Goldman, and like the rest of us here at the bank, he has dedicated his life to doing the Lord’s work.

Sincerely,

Lloyd Blankfein

CEO, Goldman Sachs

 

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Wed, 03/14/2012 - 11:06 | 2254205 Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance's picture

Andy Andy Andy. <sigh>

How dare you?

Now look what you've gone and done. It's off to Guantanamo for you......you.....you.....domestic terrorist. Or better yet, how would you like a smart bomb up your smart ass?

/sarc (in case it wasn't glaringly obvious) :)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/National_Defense_Authorization_Act_for_Fiscal_Year_2012

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 13:15 | 2254900 It was not me
It was not me's picture

Word on the street is that Greg Smith's next project will be Armada Markets. I hope he will find a better environment there.

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 17:03 | 2255797 VanceEva1
VanceEva1's picture

my classmate's sister makes $82 hourly on the internet. She has been out of work for 10 months but last month her income was $17192 just working on the internet for a few hours. Read more on this site ....  http://qr.net/h7eu

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 11:03 | 2254207 brewing
brewing's picture

Joseph Crony...

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 12:02 | 2254500 ReallySparky
ReallySparky's picture

Google the youtube sensation, KONY2012.  Some claim pure propaganda to invade Ugdana, but other says a worthy charity.

Great sense of Humor ZH.  Hats off to you.

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 12:40 | 2254686 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

Here's some background on the group that made the movie.

http://visiblechildren.tumblr.com/post/18890947431/we-got-trouble

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 12:52 | 2254765 Dermasolarapate...
Dermasolarapaterraphatrima's picture

Blankfine is simply "doing God's work" as he said. Don't you believe him?

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 11:03 | 2254212 redpill
redpill's picture

What is Kony's GDP '12 forecast anyway?  And I think it's high time he make a market in machete futures.

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 12:10 | 2254546 Arthor Bearing
Arthor Bearing's picture

"Uganda be makin lots of money in Q3!" - Kony

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 11:03 | 2254213 dick cheneys ghost
dick cheneys ghost's picture

Priceless..........

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 12:02 | 2254505 SAT 800
SAT 800's picture

I wonder if Mr. Smith is related to the Mr. Smith in the "Matrix"; that was one scary dude.

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 12:03 | 2254507 smlbizman
smlbizman's picture

did anybody catch dike bove today stating...you want to own goldmans stock, they will do anything to make money...and thats what you want...margret brennan...even if they are stealing?...yes....clients know these guys are thieves...and they still stay with them...thats the kind of company you want to own....

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 12:42 | 2254696 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

I wonder just how many people thought the exact same thing about Madoff?

He's stealing for us, not from us!

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 11:12 | 2254216 Shizzmoney
Shizzmoney's picture

In the letter, in which he excoriates Goldman and his practices, Mr. Smith comes across as a man of conscience, ideals, and high moral standards.  And as you read his words, you no doubt asked yourself this troubling question: how could Goldman have hired such a person?

+infinity, LOL

Between this and counterparties twitter account, high hilarity with the Goldman responses today. 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/03/14/greg-smiths-goldman-resignation_n_1344371.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000003

Really goes to show what a fucking joke our banking system is, and how dangerous it is to the health of our society.

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 11:08 | 2254235 Wakanda
Wakanda's picture

Joe Kony?  Long machetes.

iMac-hetes

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 11:13 | 2254269 Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance's picture

Nice!

Very nice!

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 11:55 | 2254462 Cocomaan
Cocomaan's picture

ROFL

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 11:08 | 2254244 rfullem
rfullem's picture

from awhile back on Felix Salmon

My Reuters colleague Robert Fullem had a really bright idea a few days ago: he went through all of Goldman Sachs’s annual reports and counted how many times the word “integrity” was used in each one. And the results are pretty interesting. The reports have been getting fatter and fatter: that’s the red line in the chart. But all those extra pages don’t seem to give the bank any more opportunity to talk about integrity: quite the opposite.

In fact, the Goldman Sachs integrity index peaked in 2002, when the word was used 12 times. Since then it has been on a steady decline, appearing just twice in 2008?s 162-page report. Sad.

Incidentally, the word “honesty” appears exactly once in every report. But the word “ethics” has only ever appeared once since Goldman went public. And that was back in 2002.

http://blogs.reuters.com/felix-salmon/2010/08/20/chart-of-the-day-goldma...

 

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 11:09 | 2254251 GeneMarchbanks
GeneMarchbanks's picture

Snot my fault. At least I have chicken. --Leeroy Jenkins

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 11:15 | 2254281 Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance's picture

Is this the reference?

God forbid I misunderstand the cultural reference. :)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leeroy_Jenkins

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 19:47 | 2256272 UP Forester
UP Forester's picture

That must be an inside joke for people who spend way too much time.... er, um.... on, uh, the, um, internet....

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 11:14 | 2254274 A Man without Q...
A Man without Qualities's picture

He's certainly got the right experience for mentoring interns. 

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 11:14 | 2254277 rfullem
rfullem's picture

GS Business Principles

"Integrity and honesty are at the heart of our business

We expect our people to maintain high ethical standard in everythign they do, both in their work for the firm and in their personal lives"

If this is not true, then this is false adverstising and UDAP violation. Yes, being unethical is illegal.

 

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 11:17 | 2254292 NoMoreBull
NoMoreBull's picture

In other news 20 ex Blackwater Operators have been hired by Goldman to take Mr. Smith on a retirement cruise!

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 11:17 | 2254294 Cursive
Cursive's picture

Griftmen & Sociopaths

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 11:19 | 2254303 The Swedish Chef
The Swedish Chef's picture

Thanks for this one. Still laughing...

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 11:19 | 2254306 Sudden Debt
Sudden Debt's picture

 

 

Dear Greg,

You've just been erased.

Greetings,

GS

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 11:19 | 2254310 ReeferMac
ReeferMac's picture

Not even a little funny. You're slipping...

Worst Post Ever!

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 11:25 | 2254343 MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

You need to study with MDB. I can't say you're slipping, you ain't even got game.

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 11:41 | 2254415 LongSoupLine
LongSoupLine's picture

yep, in fact, notice how MDB hasn't even posted on the subject yet?  The man is a troll-pro...building on the anticipation of his arrival.

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 11:20 | 2254312 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

In today's in your face corruption it wouldn't surprise me to see a retort like this.

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 11:23 | 2254328 Shizzmoney
Shizzmoney's picture

I kind of wished Greg Smith would leave like this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3eGJOqMHsDI

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 11:23 | 2254329 Zero Govt
Zero Govt's picture

"At Goldman, we pride ourselves on our ability to scour the world’s universities and business schools for the finest sociopaths money will buy. "

I thought this letter was a spoof until i read that line ...the truth direct from Lloyds God-like lips ..blessed

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 11:23 | 2254330 MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

The "Muppet" reference is on the front page of my local paper!

Wouldn't it be great if this was a black swan (of mass Goldman destruction)? I know, likely not, but a girl can dream...

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 12:49 | 2254748 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

I can only hope that this will provide a clue to all of the GS customers who manage OPM, and that they might realize they can no longer continue to do business with GS and be considered to be upholding their fiduciary responsibilities.

I know I'm going to use the opportunity locally to make sure the managers of public funds know they have to avoid the Squid or be outed as a conspiring criminal.

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 11:26 | 2254340 Conrad Murray
Conrad Murray's picture

Any surprise that this Kony 2012 propaganda campaign comes about after Barry O'Dumbo sends spooks and spec-ops into Uganda, South Sudan, etc.?

Be very careful supporting this. There is evil working behind the scenes, as usual.

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 11:26 | 2254345 resurger
resurger's picture

 

 

 

 

                                                               GS now on SALE!

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 11:32 | 2254368 P229R
P229R's picture

"the Lord's work"?? OMG...

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 11:33 | 2254374 grunk
grunk's picture

Kony capitalism.

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 11:53 | 2254457 Benjamin Glutton
Benjamin Glutton's picture

High comedy from the CME...

(Reuters) — CME Group CEO Craig Donohue on Wednesday said the failure of MF Global did not show the exchange-operator's self-regulatory model is broken.

"I absolutely don't think that it's broken," he said in a panel discussion at the Futures Industry Association's annual conference in Florida.

Read more: http://www.chicagobusiness.com/article/20120314/NEWS01/120319900/self-regulation-works-after-mf-global-says-cmes-donohue#ixzz1p6h1YaFb

 

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 12:53 | 2254775 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

Well then, he should make ALL of the MF customers whole and prove his point.

Otherwise, he gets a seat right next defendant #1, Jon the Don Corzine.

Anybody seen Judge Wapner?

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 11:53 | 2254460 bgilliam83
bgilliam83's picture

By clawback do you mean Goldman suing Smith's ass to mars and back? 

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 11:59 | 2254471 AlaricBalth
AlaricBalth's picture

Goldman Sachs Business Principles

http://www.goldmansachs.com/who-we-are/business-standards/business-principles/index.html )

If you can read this without vomiting on your keyboard you are a better person than I. 

 

 

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 11:58 | 2254482 azzhatter
azzhatter's picture

I'm starting a "bring back Corzine" campaign

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 13:45 | 2255048 ali-ali-al-qomfri
ali-ali-al-qomfri's picture

Excellent, I need another shot of Corzine due to the inflamation MF caused in my bunghole

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 12:03 | 2254510 web bot
web bot's picture

This is why I'm addicted to ZH...

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 12:15 | 2254577 ThisIsBob
ThisIsBob's picture

"He obviously does not know me very well, since there are so many other faults he could have mentioned."

Epictetus

 

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 12:15 | 2254578 Lord Blankcheck
Lord Blankcheck's picture

Goldman shorted itself!!!Pump it and dump it.

Like they didn't know about the letter.The day after leeked stress test.

Biggest profit day of the Q.

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 12:31 | 2254645 jm
jm's picture

Mr. Smith comes across as a man of conscience, ideals, and high moral standards. 

Cue poignant refrain:  "But I can't forget what I did for love..."

It does seem interesting work.  But 12 years is LONG time to be doing this.  I get the sense that the communication is more the "old" way of doing things unable to relate to the "new" way.

Finance is far more impersonal than even three years ago.  It may be apt to say finance is a different ecosystem than it is was three years ago.  Math, tech, and algos rule the roost and "relationships"-- blue blood or otherwise don't get it dne anymore.  Nobody cares about that any more on either the bid OR the ask. Clients want execution and they will go where they can get it. 

Also, reporting is more consolidated now.  This makes the ability to write code to pick up tiny little arbs on index and ETF delta more important than mentoring.   

Don't get me wrong, the business is somewhat nasty.  But it always has been, and no less nasty than say what lawyers do and others too.  And a sight less nasty than what politicians do.

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 13:12 | 2254871 jplotinus
jplotinus's picture

Let me see if I have this straight. Are there those among you who think "profit motivation" results in something other than rip off of clients, customers, patients and other objects of the desire to make money?

It's capitalism stupid...

Wed, 03/14/2012 - 13:38 | 2255020 vh070
vh070's picture

You don't make big money by being nice to who you deal with.

Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!