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Dimon To Ackerman: "We Don't Gamble. Gamblers Lose"

Tyler Durden's picture


In a somewhat inspired line of questioning by Rep. Gary Ackerman on the differences between 'investing' and 'gambling', the JPMorgan CEO diligently notes that "on average Gamblers lose" implicitly stating, we assume, that 'investors on average win'. Ackerman interestingly takes up the common myth that banks (and Wall Street in general) were 'on the level' and 'facilitated investing' but to him the 'hedges' that JPM (among others) are placing are nothing but gambling as he correctly notes the dismal truth that banks are not in fact there for the common good in "helping jobs and being good for America". Betting against your initial bet suggests a lack of 'knowing what you are doing' is how Ackerman frames his concerns, and furthermore (as we pointed out), hedging against your hedge just makes the whole thing farcical as if "throwing darts at a dartboard" and in the process does not help the economy or create one job. The main thrust being that: if JPM is right a majority of the time it helps the company, but if they are wrong it puts systemically everything at risk - the public investing confidence in the system (an unhedgeable risk). Dimon's contrite response is: "We don't gamble; we do make mistakes."


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Tue, 06/19/2012 - 15:50 | 2540601 NemoDeNovo
NemoDeNovo's picture

FU Jamie, you don't Gamble I call BULLSHIT

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 15:58 | 2540639 I think I need ...
I think I need to buy a gun's picture

he's actually right, they don't gamble between them and goldman sachs they steer the ship so they know whats going to happen but they do hit icebergs,,,,,,i'm still not buying this trading loss, its suspicious at best, irrevelenant hence the dog and pony show to show the public they are coming down hard on the banks. The banksters leave after for their islands,,,,,

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:11 | 2540702 Ahmeexnal
Ahmeexnal's picture

Germany to impose 100% tax for earnings over 40k euro. Taxes will be used to bail out german banks.

wer braucht schon Geld?



The new leader of Germany's socialist Left party has called for a 100 percent tax on any income above €40,000 a month, because beyond that point, "there's no additional life enjoyment anyway."

"No-one needs more than 40 times the minimum income," Left party leader Katja Kipping told the Frankfurter Allgemeine Sonntagszeitung newspaper, in a pre-release published Saturday.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:25 | 2540738 Dr Benway
Dr Benway's picture

They gamble and cheat with money pulled out of thin air and still manage to lose.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 17:16 | 2540860 Ruffcut
Ruffcut's picture

Cheating is the status quo at the house of morgan.

Their best "ISM" is assholyism.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 17:27 | 2540900 francis_sawyer
francis_sawyer's picture

 "So if you don't mind me sayin'...

I can see you're out of aces...

For a taste of your whiskey...

I'll give you some advice..."



Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:14 | 2540704 Stackers
Stackers's picture

Hell yeah, gambling, sorry investing, is easy when you have 5 aces up your sleave, a marked deck and loaded dice that only you get to use. I wouldnt call that gambling either. More like a con job or fraud.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:06 | 2540678 slaughterer
slaughterer's picture

The women in my office still want to fuck Jamie's brains out every time they see him testify.  

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 19:07 | 2541144 forexskin
forexskin's picture

what a coincidence! i know a bullet with the same fantasy!

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 18:29 | 2541049 Everybodys All ...
Everybodys All American's picture

Front running the Fed and other Federal government signals/handshakes is not gambling...it's crony capitalism isn't it Jamie?

Wed, 06/20/2012 - 03:40 | 2542266 BorisTheBlade
BorisTheBlade's picture

He doesn't gamble, he owns a casino.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 15:53 | 2540615 LawsofPhysics
LawsofPhysics's picture

Okay, fine Jamie.  The guillotine isn't for the execution of the bankers, financial houses, and political puppets.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 15:54 | 2540620 williambanzai7
williambanzai7's picture

Gambling, unlike investing and finance, is a regulated industry. If you break the rules you go to jail.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:02 | 2540658 Dr. Richard Head
Dr. Richard Head's picture

Or gets thems some busted kneecaps.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:51 | 2540664 Ghordius
Ghordius's picture

Dimon does not gamble! This is insulting!! He insures!

Oh, wait, insurance is another industry that has standards and regulations that don't apply to our modern banks led by masters of the universe...


Meanwhile, huge piles of EUR shorts are keeping company to their golden and silver brethen in the hallowed electronic vaults of JPMorgan... but hey, MF Global had such a tasty carcass, it was worth it...

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 17:35 | 2540930 falak pema
falak pema's picture

MS and JPM on opposite sides of the Euro short?

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:05 | 2540672 cougar_w
cougar_w's picture

I'm kinda surprized that this whole "gambling" meme is even in play

Gambling is entertainment and does not pretend to be anything else. There is nothing wrong with it, people who lose money gambling at least had a good time, and even if not they cannot blame anyone but themselves for showing up at the tables.

When MF Global "looses" a few billion dollars "gambling" on market movements it's not even their own money, nobody knew what they were doing with other peoples' money, and the loses from their bad bets ultimately are paid by taxpayers.

We should leave the gambling out of it. Call it theft and see what happens.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 18:16 | 2541012 falak pema
falak pema's picture

it all depends on the company.

A famous man once said : If I had to choose between heaven and hell I would choose that other place, 'cos in heaven I'd be so bored amongst all those virtuous people, I'd far prefer the company in the other place, inspite of the heat! 

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 15:55 | 2540622 hangemhigh77
hangemhigh77's picture

Jamie tells a half truth........"gamblers lose"

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:00 | 2540649 Dr. Richard Head
Dr. Richard Head's picture

One cannot lose with the implicit backstopping of the full faith and credit of the tax mule.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:00 | 2540628 midgetrannyporn
midgetrannyporn's picture

They always win because the fed is their beotch. end the fed.

The fed sez: slap me on the ass and call me sally!

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:28 | 2540752 financial apoca...
financial apocalyptic contagion's picture

Jamie Dimon quote on the CNBC homepage: 

"Most important thing to me is USA"

First off, bullshit its his next fucking bonus

2ndly this is clear CNBS propaganda to me, there were at least a 100 better videos from today's hearing that should've made it to the homepage especially the one Tyler just poster


Tue, 06/19/2012 - 15:56 | 2540629 hangemhigh77
hangemhigh77's picture

Hey Jamie, deuchbags lose too, you fucking loser motherfucker

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:19 | 2540726 gmrpeabody
gmrpeabody's picture

You seem to have something against the gentleman...

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:26 | 2540743 dbomb12
dbomb12's picture

He actually cant lose when the fed and the govt continues to pump bailouts into the system. but in the end they are all losers

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 15:56 | 2540631 RacerX
RacerX's picture

Ackerman seems like he actually had a clue. Too bad it's nothing more than barking for the mic.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:11 | 2540700 Dr. Richard Head
Dr. Richard Head's picture

I was really hoping he was going to go somewhere else with the farm animal comment......damn.  If he is going to grand stand, he sould at least do it right.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 15:57 | 2540632 hangemhigh77
hangemhigh77's picture

Jamie needs a hemp necktie

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:37 | 2540784 Au_Ag_CuPbCu
Au_Ag_CuPbCu's picture

How about a Mexican necktie...

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 15:57 | 2540634 francis_sawyer
francis_sawyer's picture

We don't gamble, we fix...

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 15:57 | 2540635 asteroids
asteroids's picture

A lie, although contrite and possibly delusional, is still a lie. Shame on the politicians for letting him get away with it.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 15:57 | 2540636 hangemhigh77
hangemhigh77's picture

Ackerman is going to get his bribe docked by Jamie for this BS

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 15:58 | 2540637 Caggge
Caggge's picture

If you took away their ability to get inside information then Coco the monkey could produce as good of a return on the money invested as they do. The only way it's not gambling is if they are cheating the house.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 15:59 | 2540646 hangemhigh77
hangemhigh77's picture

Is Coco a hedge fund manager?

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:01 | 2540654 Caggge
Caggge's picture

Yes, in this banana republic.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 17:27 | 2540902 krispkritter
krispkritter's picture

Did you say 'bananas'? Right, that's why I live here...

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 15:59 | 2540641 hangemhigh77
hangemhigh77's picture

I think whoever Jamie talks to should have someone behind him pissing down his neck, just so he KNOWS it's not raining.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 15:59 | 2540642 cougar_w
cougar_w's picture

Privatize the profits, socialize the losses.

It's nothing at all like gambling. But it isn't anything like investing either.

It's called orchestrated theft and Congress and the corporations are in it together up to their eyeballs.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 15:59 | 2540643 williambanzai7
williambanzai7's picture


Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:01 | 2540653 midgetrannyporn
midgetrannyporn's picture

bottom left might be the bernank in drag.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 21:37 | 2541588 slewie the pi-rat
slewie the pi-rat's picture

do you feel tyler's thrust here is that jamie and the morgue might be fat-tailed, politically?

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:04 | 2540668 hangemhigh77
hangemhigh77's picture

You forgot to get Blythe in there. She'd bite it off.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:05 | 2540676 midgetrannyporn
midgetrannyporn's picture

mary schapiro too.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:08 | 2540685 delacroix
delacroix's picture

Blythe, top left

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:09 | 2540694 hangemhigh77
hangemhigh77's picture

Is that Blythe?  Damn that's one fugly beotch

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:10 | 2540681 LouisDega
LouisDega's picture

Willie B, You are The fucking master (Beta)

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 17:01 | 2540831 williambanzai7
williambanzai7's picture

It's all in the fonts ;-)

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:09 | 2540692 GMadScientist
GMadScientist's picture

DP Financing.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 17:02 | 2540828 Chaffinch
Chaffinch's picture

Bill Banzai - has he hedged his Dong position?
; )

(I sure hope so, because I hate to think of the alternative!)

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 18:22 | 2540899 falak pema
falak pema's picture

dongs are used for ping pong in guan-dong. Its worse in Dongwonnapateu, where its a dog delicacy. Awesome what uses one can find for a dong thats lost its bonging piano maestro ability, to hit the keys in hungarian rhapsody. That you can just tell by the look in their hooded eyes, master at work. 

But this takes the cake : "We make CDS for the benefit of veterans, retirees, orphans and widows". Incredible! 

He could have added, "I would love to go to heaven for the climate but to hell for the company." At least that sounds credible, like Madoff! 

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