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Dimon To Ackerman: "We Don't Gamble. Gamblers Lose"

Tyler Durden's picture


In a somewhat inspired line of questioning by Rep. Gary Ackerman on the differences between 'investing' and 'gambling', the JPMorgan CEO diligently notes that "on average Gamblers lose" implicitly stating, we assume, that 'investors on average win'. Ackerman interestingly takes up the common myth that banks (and Wall Street in general) were 'on the level' and 'facilitated investing' but to him the 'hedges' that JPM (among others) are placing are nothing but gambling as he correctly notes the dismal truth that banks are not in fact there for the common good in "helping jobs and being good for America". Betting against your initial bet suggests a lack of 'knowing what you are doing' is how Ackerman frames his concerns, and furthermore (as we pointed out), hedging against your hedge just makes the whole thing farcical as if "throwing darts at a dartboard" and in the process does not help the economy or create one job. The main thrust being that: if JPM is right a majority of the time it helps the company, but if they are wrong it puts systemically everything at risk - the public investing confidence in the system (an unhedgeable risk). Dimon's contrite response is: "We don't gamble; we do make mistakes."



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Tue, 06/19/2012 - 15:50 | 2540601 NemoDeNovo
NemoDeNovo's picture

FU Jamie, you don't Gamble I call BULLSHIT

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 15:58 | 2540639 I think I need ...
I think I need to buy a gun's picture

he's actually right, they don't gamble between them and goldman sachs they steer the ship so they know whats going to happen but they do hit icebergs,,,,,,i'm still not buying this trading loss, its suspicious at best, irrevelenant hence the dog and pony show to show the public they are coming down hard on the banks. The banksters leave after for their islands,,,,,

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:11 | 2540702 Ahmeexnal
Ahmeexnal's picture

Germany to impose 100% tax for earnings over 40k euro. Taxes will be used to bail out german banks.

wer braucht schon Geld?


The new leader of Germany's socialist Left party has called for a 100 percent tax on any income above €40,000 a month, because beyond that point, "there's no additional life enjoyment anyway."

"No-one needs more than 40 times the minimum income," Left party leader Katja Kipping told the Frankfurter Allgemeine Sonntagszeitung newspaper, in a pre-release published Saturday.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:25 | 2540738 Dr Benway
Dr Benway's picture

They gamble and cheat with money pulled out of thin air and still manage to lose.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 17:16 | 2540860 Ruffcut
Ruffcut's picture

Cheating is the status quo at the house of morgan.

Their best "ISM" is assholyism.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 17:27 | 2540900 francis_sawyer
francis_sawyer's picture

 "So if you don't mind me sayin'...

I can see you're out of aces...

For a taste of your whiskey...

I'll give you some advice..."


Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:14 | 2540704 Stackers
Stackers's picture

Hell yeah, gambling, sorry investing, is easy when you have 5 aces up your sleave, a marked deck and loaded dice that only you get to use. I wouldnt call that gambling either. More like a con job or fraud.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:06 | 2540678 slaughterer
slaughterer's picture

The women in my office still want to fuck Jamie's brains out every time they see him testify.  

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 19:07 | 2541144 forexskin
forexskin's picture

what a coincidence! i know a bullet with the same fantasy!

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 18:29 | 2541049 Everybodys All ...
Everybodys All American's picture

Front running the Fed and other Federal government signals/handshakes is not's crony capitalism isn't it Jamie?

Wed, 06/20/2012 - 03:40 | 2542266 BorisTheBlade
BorisTheBlade's picture

He doesn't gamble, he owns a casino.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 15:53 | 2540615 LawsofPhysics
LawsofPhysics's picture

Okay, fine Jamie.  The guillotine isn't for the execution of the bankers, financial houses, and political puppets.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 15:54 | 2540620 williambanzai7
williambanzai7's picture

Gambling, unlike investing and finance, is a regulated industry. If you break the rules you go to jail.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:02 | 2540658 Dr. Richard Head
Dr. Richard Head's picture

Or gets thems some busted kneecaps.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:51 | 2540664 Ghordius
Ghordius's picture

Dimon does not gamble! This is insulting!! He insures!

Oh, wait, insurance is another industry that has standards and regulations that don't apply to our modern banks led by masters of the universe...


Meanwhile, huge piles of EUR shorts are keeping company to their golden and silver brethen in the hallowed electronic vaults of JPMorgan... but hey, MF Global had such a tasty carcass, it was worth it...

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 17:35 | 2540930 falak pema
falak pema's picture

MS and JPM on opposite sides of the Euro short?

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:05 | 2540672 cougar_w
cougar_w's picture

I'm kinda surprized that this whole "gambling" meme is even in play

Gambling is entertainment and does not pretend to be anything else. There is nothing wrong with it, people who lose money gambling at least had a good time, and even if not they cannot blame anyone but themselves for showing up at the tables.

When MF Global "looses" a few billion dollars "gambling" on market movements it's not even their own money, nobody knew what they were doing with other peoples' money, and the loses from their bad bets ultimately are paid by taxpayers.

We should leave the gambling out of it. Call it theft and see what happens.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 18:16 | 2541012 falak pema
falak pema's picture

it all depends on the company.

A famous man once said : If I had to choose between heaven and hell I would choose that other place, 'cos in heaven I'd be so bored amongst all those virtuous people, I'd far prefer the company in the other place, inspite of the heat! 

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 15:55 | 2540622 hangemhigh77
hangemhigh77's picture

Jamie tells a half truth........"gamblers lose"

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:00 | 2540649 Dr. Richard Head
Dr. Richard Head's picture

One cannot lose with the implicit backstopping of the full faith and credit of the tax mule.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:00 | 2540628 midgetrannyporn
midgetrannyporn's picture

They always win because the fed is their beotch. end the fed.

The fed sez: slap me on the ass and call me sally!

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:28 | 2540752 financial apoca...
financial apocalyptic contagion's picture

Jamie Dimon quote on the CNBC homepage: 

"Most important thing to me is USA"

First off, bullshit its his next fucking bonus

2ndly this is clear CNBS propaganda to me, there were at least a 100 better videos from today's hearing that should've made it to the homepage especially the one Tyler just poster


Tue, 06/19/2012 - 15:56 | 2540629 hangemhigh77
hangemhigh77's picture

Hey Jamie, deuchbags lose too, you fucking loser motherfucker

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:19 | 2540726 gmrpeabody
gmrpeabody's picture

You seem to have something against the gentleman...

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:26 | 2540743 dbomb12
dbomb12's picture

He actually cant lose when the fed and the govt continues to pump bailouts into the system. but in the end they are all losers

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 15:56 | 2540631 RacerX
RacerX's picture

Ackerman seems like he actually had a clue. Too bad it's nothing more than barking for the mic.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:11 | 2540700 Dr. Richard Head
Dr. Richard Head's picture

I was really hoping he was going to go somewhere else with the farm animal comment......damn.  If he is going to grand stand, he sould at least do it right.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 15:57 | 2540632 hangemhigh77
hangemhigh77's picture

Jamie needs a hemp necktie

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:37 | 2540784 Au_Ag_CuPbCu
Au_Ag_CuPbCu's picture

How about a Mexican necktie...

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 15:57 | 2540634 francis_sawyer
francis_sawyer's picture

We don't gamble, we fix...

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 15:57 | 2540635 asteroids
asteroids's picture

A lie, although contrite and possibly delusional, is still a lie. Shame on the politicians for letting him get away with it.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 15:57 | 2540636 hangemhigh77
hangemhigh77's picture

Ackerman is going to get his bribe docked by Jamie for this BS

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 15:58 | 2540637 Caggge
Caggge's picture

If you took away their ability to get inside information then Coco the monkey could produce as good of a return on the money invested as they do. The only way it's not gambling is if they are cheating the house.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 15:59 | 2540646 hangemhigh77
hangemhigh77's picture

Is Coco a hedge fund manager?

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:01 | 2540654 Caggge
Caggge's picture

Yes, in this banana republic.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 17:27 | 2540902 krispkritter
krispkritter's picture

Did you say 'bananas'? Right, that's why I live here...

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 15:59 | 2540641 hangemhigh77
hangemhigh77's picture

I think whoever Jamie talks to should have someone behind him pissing down his neck, just so he KNOWS it's not raining.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 15:59 | 2540642 cougar_w
cougar_w's picture

Privatize the profits, socialize the losses.

It's nothing at all like gambling. But it isn't anything like investing either.

It's called orchestrated theft and Congress and the corporations are in it together up to their eyeballs.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 15:59 | 2540643 williambanzai7
williambanzai7's picture


Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:01 | 2540653 midgetrannyporn
midgetrannyporn's picture

bottom left might be the bernank in drag.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 21:37 | 2541588 slewie the pi-rat
slewie the pi-rat's picture

do you feel tyler's thrust here is that jamie and the morgue might be fat-tailed, politically?

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:04 | 2540668 hangemhigh77
hangemhigh77's picture

You forgot to get Blythe in there. She'd bite it off.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:05 | 2540676 midgetrannyporn
midgetrannyporn's picture

mary schapiro too.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:08 | 2540685 delacroix
delacroix's picture

Blythe, top left

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:09 | 2540694 hangemhigh77
hangemhigh77's picture

Is that Blythe?  Damn that's one fugly beotch

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:10 | 2540681 LouisDega
LouisDega's picture

Willie B, You are The fucking master (Beta)

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 17:01 | 2540831 williambanzai7
williambanzai7's picture

It's all in the fonts ;-)

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:09 | 2540692 GMadScientist
GMadScientist's picture

DP Financing.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 17:02 | 2540828 Chaffinch
Chaffinch's picture

Bill Banzai - has he hedged his Dong position?
; )

(I sure hope so, because I hate to think of the alternative!)

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 18:22 | 2540899 falak pema
falak pema's picture

dongs are used for ping pong in guan-dong. Its worse in Dongwonnapateu, where its a dog delicacy. Awesome what uses one can find for a dong thats lost its bonging piano maestro ability, to hit the keys in hungarian rhapsody. That you can just tell by the look in their hooded eyes, master at work. 

But this takes the cake : "We make CDS for the benefit of veterans, retirees, orphans and widows". Incredible! 

He could have added, "I would love to go to heaven for the climate but to hell for the company." At least that sounds credible, like Madoff! 

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 15:59 | 2540647 francis_sawyer
francis_sawyer's picture

Time for Wapner...

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:01 | 2540655 t_kAyk
t_kAyk's picture

This is like that scene in 'Casino' when they find out the guy is cheating and take him to the back room.  Except when they take Jamie they all have a few drinks and share the winnings, while they watch and laugh as the goons crush the skulls of some poor sap they grabbed off the street. 

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:02 | 2540661 fonzannoon
fonzannoon's picture

Tomorrow when the fed announces nothing but instead says loudly that they stand at th ready to do QE3 via twist, lsap etc. etc....will it be enough to keep markets levitated?

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:05 | 2540675 hangemhigh77
hangemhigh77's picture

I think the Bilderbergers chose Rombot and Berstupid is going to throw Oboner under the bus and not even hint at QE.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:13 | 2540705 Dr. Richard Head
Dr. Richard Head's picture

Operation Twist should have been called operation Fist, as in getting ass fisted.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:30 | 2540756 hangemhigh77
hangemhigh77's picture

nice. I can go along with that

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:04 | 2540670 kito
kito's picture

ohhhh, to see them fall,,,,,ohhhhhh...................

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:05 | 2540674 New Revenue
New Revenue's picture

No shit!!!!!



Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:06 | 2540677 ghostfaceinvestah
ghostfaceinvestah's picture

Gamblers don't have a put option of unlimited size like the TBTF banks do.

It's not gambling if the Fed has your back, it's a no-lose proposition.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:06 | 2540679 q99x2
q99x2's picture

Of course gamblers lose. That's why Dimon has to use fraud.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:08 | 2540683 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

His questioning was too good and must have hit a sore spot because CNBC cut him off early.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 17:38 | 2540827 web bot
web bot's picture

I saw that. His questioning was the best of the day.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:08 | 2540687 caimen garou
caimen garou's picture

no jamie does'nt gamble,he just speculates he will win. same thing only different, right?

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:08 | 2540688 GMadScientist
GMadScientist's picture

1. Did you ever lose time from work or school due to gambling? Yes No

2. Has gambling ever made your home life unhappy? Yes No

3. Did gambling affect your reputation? Yes No

4. Have you ever felt remorse after gambling? Yes No

5. Did you ever gamble to get money with which to pay debts or otherwise solve financial difficulties? Yes No

6. Did gambling cause a decrease in your ambition or efficiency? Yes No

7. After losing did you feel you must return as soon as possible and win back your losses? Yes No

8. After a win did you have a strong urge to return and win more? Yes No

9. Did you ever borrow to finance your gambling? Yes No

10. Have you ever sold anything to finance gambling? Yes No

11. Did gambling make you careless of the welfare of yourself or your COUNTRY? Yes No

12. Did you ever gamble longer than you had planned? Yes No


Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:08 | 2540690 hangemhigh77
hangemhigh77's picture

I think Dimon would look great in an orange jumpsuit orswinging by the neck from a rope under a nice oak tree. Gosh that's bucolic. I love the country.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:09 | 2540695 GMadScientist
GMadScientist's picture

why choose? You can even get an orange rope to match.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:15 | 2540716 hangemhigh77
hangemhigh77's picture

Sounds good to me. I think I'd like a martini for the show

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:14 | 2540710 hangemhigh77
hangemhigh77's picture

All we do is talk in this fucked up country. Somebody needs to bitch slap that little prick

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:16 | 2540718 LMAOLORI
Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:17 | 2540722 Jim in MN
Jim in MN's picture


What he said:  "We do make mistakes."


What he thought:  We hedged your bet in order to save it.  Or some such gobbeldygook.  Now fuck off and bring me some clean water in a clean glass, not this shit.  Muppet senators.  Fake ass Representatives.  Don't we pay enough to get rid of them?  Crap.


Tue, 06/19/2012 - 17:15 | 2540855 cougar_w
cougar_w's picture

That's pretty good. But Dimon is one of those kind of guys who is totally unaware that anyone but himself is in the room -- especially if there is a mirror anywhere nearby--  so what he probably was thinking most of the time was:

"I bet I look great on camera in this suit. Hey video guy put the camera back on me, this suit makes me look like .... wait a second who are these stupid fucks and why are they talking? Camera me not them. I bet I look great in this suit ..."

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:20 | 2540723 you enjoy myself
you enjoy myself's picture

of course its not gambling when you can always double down on losing positions with infinite amounts of free money.  its also not gambling when you colo your servers under the dealer's right hand.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:22 | 2540729 Fix It Again Timmy
Fix It Again Timmy's picture

The Feds spend 8 weeks on a trial for Rodger Clemens yet spend a couple of hours putting Jamie in front of imbeciles.  If that doesn't say it ALL....

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:24 | 2540735 Pairadimes
Pairadimes's picture

If it weren't for the Fed, Dimon would be a Ferrari salesman in Palm Beach.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:28 | 2540751 hangemhigh77
hangemhigh77's picture

More like a Dodge salesman selling Darts

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:36 | 2540775 localpacific
localpacific's picture

Dimon could be a part of the plunge protection team? Genius Of The PPT:

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:45 | 2540803 falak pema
falak pema's picture

Dimon To Ackerman: "We Don't Gamble. Gamblers Lose"

Moral of the story : in our game the roulette wheel is controlled; we NEVER lose, we got friends....

That's the capital markets for you! Freeeeeeeeeee...for the Oligarchs, and in spite of that they StILL lose, aka the whale! 

Now thats really awesome...

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 16:56 | 2540820 Carl Spackler
Carl Spackler's picture

Game, set, match.

...And, Representative Ackerman moves on to the semi-finals, while Mr. Dimon goes home.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 17:06 | 2540843 spanish inquisition
spanish inquisition's picture

Is he implying that he is the house?

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 17:33 | 2540921 Txo
Txo's picture

Yup. Although he didn 't mean to. The dumass.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 17:22 | 2540845 spinone
spinone's picture

In real terms, not nominal, most investors in the stock market lose money after taxes and fees.

They buy at the wrong time, hold losers too long, trade too much, and generally make mistakes.

The price-only (ex dividends) inflation-adjusted index returns for the last 80 years are only a mediocre 1.4%.  Make a few mistakes and you lose.

Gold never goes to zero bitchez!!

Wed, 06/20/2012 - 02:48 | 2540901 BlackholeDivestment
BlackholeDivestment's picture

...meanwhile, backstage at the Philanthropic Follies Broadway Muppets Show...

(White, Black, Muslim. Bride of Christ is a Drag Queen Mark of the Beast Bitchez Sealed In The Black Hole)

...House, down in the basement

(in front of ''Benny'' Latrobe)

without an assassinated man's Bible, 

                                 ''inside'' FDR's


                                    War Room,   


                             ...there could be heard a heard  


                                    Rahm Co. Company


                                Chicargo Bath Salt Day Traders


                  ...eating the Facebook Shorts off a teenage Page

               (seen here

                                    ...named Jesus(Spanish)  

Wormwood--> <--POTUS Picasso Prophetic Strong Delusion

                                 trying to work for ''her'' freedom

(according to Tiny Turbo Timmay's Benny and the 911 Jets Novus Ordo Seclorum)

                                          in the Press Room

                                   ...with another male escort


                                           a Press Pass,


                                       a Scott Trade Account 


economic boom pop goes the Weasel                               

________$$$$___ black hole________.  




Tue, 06/19/2012 - 17:31 | 2540918 Txo
Txo's picture

At least this whole thing is exposing what a fucking idiot this guy turns out to be. 

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 17:44 | 2540952 ebworthen
ebworthen's picture

"Triple 7's!  C'mon triple 7's!"

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 18:08 | 2540980 BlackholeDivestment
BlackholeDivestment's picture

 LMAO Eb. +2012. Way to flow with the Fight Club Guyana Punch ...bitchez. Lol.


     7% x 3(Hal 2012 Algo Nova) Spanish Bombs/Clash= Jack Pot 


                                    Black Hole 



Tue, 06/19/2012 - 17:47 | 2540960 Quinvarius
Quinvarius's picture

Dimon isn't gambling, in the sense it isn't his money or risk.

We are gambling by letting Dimon do it. 

Dimon is laughing in this guy's face telling him he is gambling by letting JPM continue to heap their risk on the system.  Of course JPM isn't gambling.  Gamblers don't free money bailouts. 

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 18:10 | 2540993 BlackholeDivestment
BlackholeDivestment's picture

...imagine that, the Muppet World of Dimon, sucking on the beast tit. LMAO. that's Lloyd's masonic (g)ods work. Blaa haa haa haa...

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 18:58 | 2541117 K_I_T_T_Y
K_I_T_T_Y's picture

Actually I would have preferred the answer "yes it was a bet that went wrong".


Cause if they were only hedging I would fire all people involved for having no clue of hedging strategies!


Tue, 06/19/2012 - 20:30 | 2541398 Seasmoke
Seasmoke's picture

Degenerates do not care about moral hazards

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 21:22 | 2541551 Tunga
Tunga's picture

Portions of todays broadcast were previously recorded.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 21:50 | 2541627 justsayin2u
justsayin2u's picture

It aint gamblin when jamies playin.  That 2B$ loss was an intentional bluff just so you effin fish cant figure out which way that sly fox is goin next.  Verrry clever.  Thats why the man is a playa and you all is just played.  Suckers.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 21:57 | 2541637 Rastamon
Rastamon's picture





oh Jamie .... something tells me that the twin towers of toxic derivatives are about to "El Kabong" you right in the reality.


we'll find out just what you were gamlbing with in the rubble of JPM.

Tue, 06/19/2012 - 22:18 | 2541700 TrainWreck1
TrainWreck1's picture

It's not gambling if the game is rigged.



Wed, 06/20/2012 - 02:49 | 2542210 Arkadaba
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