Douglas Adams Explains The Innate Fascination With Towels

Tyler Durden's picture

Earlier today, we presented a clip that showed how civilized Americans at a Wal Mart approach the opportunity to save a buck on a towel. Some may have been surprised by the raw and concentrated ambition and fury exhibited by these specimen who would put any rioter in Athens' Syntagma square to shame. Luckily, we have Douglas Adams of the Hitchhiker's Guide fame to explain the implicit fascination with "the towel." After all, when given the opportunity to face the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal with a cheaper than market price self-defense mechanism, who can possibly say no?

And for those who missed it the first time...

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Jim in MN's picture

We need towels, to wipe up the blood from the towel sales.

Order, people! 

Keep them tidy keep them humble

CPL's picture

Towels and thumbdrives is how I'm starting my plan for world domination.

Falcon15's picture


Fukushima Sam's picture

Unlike the digital watch, the towel is a timeless accessory to fortune and great adventure.

Z Beeblebrox's picture

Always know where your towel is,

and two heads are better than one.

schoolsout's picture

I blame it all on the Towlieban

CPL's picture

good lord that was a stinker.  +1

sabra1's picture

Lord of the Rings, The Two Towels.

NumberNone's picture

Possibly it was the background music in the store that got them fired up...I thought i heard John Linen. 

Blythes Master's picture

Yeah, but you can't eat towels.


/sarc off

Sequitur's picture

As for evidence why I own a Glock 40 with a lot of ammunition, I submit video number two, respectfully, for your honors.

My lords, tell me, are you not merciful?

Chump's picture

+1 for a caliber that starts with '4.'

Just be careful out there (or use a freaking holster please).


Sequitur's picture

If you liked that story, you'll LOVE this video, and this guy does indeed have a holser:

Normalcy Bias's picture

That reminds me of this timeless gem: DEA Agent Accidentally Shoots Himself In The Foot -

Ag1761's picture

Indeed, this unfortunate chap would require the services of said towel after shooting himself to stem the flow of jam. Yet another invaluable use for the towel.

I like to wrap silver maples in my towel before putting them in plastic tubes under the soil as recommended by friends on ZH. Again, towel efficiency.

Another use for the towel is as a vehicle of submission, like when Merkil finally throws in the German towel to the ECB Printing ring instead of laying her towel on the Greek beaches. Again, an effective use.

One fine use for a towel would be as a weapon of death used to string up some of these pricks trying to run the country.




JohnG's picture

It's really not funny...but I just can't stop laughing.

We'll see him win a Darwin soon enough.

hannah's picture

no,no,no,......G17...... 9mm is lighter so you can carry more....and a head shot is a head shot....!

Lowest Common Denominator's picture

What?  Are you a towel who feels threatened by the consumer rabble?  Maybe you have towel friends who's safety you worry about?  Or is the Glock to make sure that you get a towel if you ever find yourself competing for scarce cheap resources?  Or maybe you just have a gun fetish?  I don't get it...

SouthernX's picture

"Spanky Yankies NEED  a wanking towe"l, says Towlie.

Cognitive Dissonance's picture

This terrible towel incident brings new meaning to the term "Terrible Towel".

My apologies to all Pittsburg Steelers fans for dragging you into this insanity. May you enjoy Ben in peace. :>)

Dagny Taggart's picture

Don't you believe in Karma? Dangerous ground Cog...

Cognitive Dissonance's picture

When baby back Ben finally learns how to leave the collapsing pocket before it collapses I'll work on my Karma. On the other hand Ben seems to enjoy inflicting heart attacks on his fans so whom am I to complain? And they are winning, which is another plus for Beefy Ben McRib.

lotsoffun's picture

cd - i'm really surprised you would be a little ben backer after what was clearly his so many unwanted transgressions against the fairer sex.  he would be in prison if he wasn't white and rich.  many times over.


Dr. Engali's picture

Well CD I gave you my first down arrow ever. Associating the Steelers with those savages.

Cognitive Dissonance's picture

I bad. I very very bad. :>)

After all, the Steelers are professionals. Besides, you can't fight in the war room or on the field of play.

I can make fun of my Tom Terrific (Patriots) as well. I just wish he hadn't cut his golden locks. I simply don't care if he had split (tight) ends. It's a bad omen for the season. :>)

BlueStreet's picture

Someone should let them know the first time they wash those towels they will fall apart.



CPL's picture

but...but they are a $1.28 and worth every stitch received in emergency.  After the hospital visit that should bring the cost per towel to $500 a piece if I buy ten of them.


Now does a $500 dollar towel sound like it would fall to pieces?  No way man...towel for life!  Word!


Peace out.

GeneMarchbanks's picture

Mos Def!!!

NTS: purchase many towels.

fuu's picture

Hyperspace bypass desperately needed.

kito's picture

HOLY CRAP!! TOWELS FOR 1.29?!?!?!?! CANT BE!!!! 

RacerX's picture

Yep you better hurry before they're ALL GONE!!

buzzsaw99's picture

It will be easy to round up the phone sterilizers and such when the time comes. Just announce a blowout sale aboard the spaceship gtfo of here right before launch.

BigJim's picture

Who knew Americans were such Hoopy Froods?

Falcon15's picture

I want DON'T PANIC embossed on my towel in BIG FRIENDLY letters, since I cannot seem to find a recent copy of the Galactic Best Seller - The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy

richard in norway's picture

thats a great idea, ill buy one when you have set up your factory. as long as its us made

Ensane's picture

Love me some DA on ZH, shame the original book text wasn't included but fair none the less.

slewie the pi-rat's picture

where egyptian cotton is involved, tanks & RPGs are de rigueur!

NotApplicable's picture

Now me, I would've never guessed that towels would be a shopping list item, let alone a Black Friday item.

So, I guess the plan went something like this.

Clerk: "Hey boss, the center isle displays are starting to disappear, even non-gift items."

Boss: "Hmm... We already moved our extra products an hour ago. Hey, do we still have that pallet of towels that we couldn't sell for $1.33?"

Clerk: "Sure, they're right over there."

Boss: "Mark the box $1.28, and set it out."

RichardENixon's picture

"Cleanup on Aisle 5...No need to bring a mop or towels"

lolmao500's picture

Do you wanna get high?

Don't forget to bring a towel.

Misean's picture

Yeah, but these days you really need a pair of Jo-Janta 2000 peril sensitive sunglasses.

fuu's picture

I almost went there.

Seasmoke's picture

if you girlfriend doesnt swallow, then get the towel

Sokhmate's picture

Seamen and towels have natural affinity. I prefer disposable.

bbq on whitehouse lawn's picture

So Xboxes are free but you have to pay for towels.

Looks like we have some hitchkickers. I wonder if they like poetry?