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Douglas Adams Explains The Innate Fascination With Towels

Tyler Durden's picture


Earlier today, we presented a clip that showed how civilized Americans at a Wal Mart approach the opportunity to save a buck on a towel. Some may have been surprised by the raw and concentrated ambition and fury exhibited by these specimen who would put any rioter in Athens' Syntagma square to shame. Luckily, we have Douglas Adams of the Hitchhiker's Guide fame to explain the implicit fascination with "the towel." After all, when given the opportunity to face the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal with a cheaper than market price self-defense mechanism, who can possibly say no?

And for those who missed it the first time...


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Mon, 11/28/2011 - 15:06 | 1921813 Jim in MN
Jim in MN's picture

We need towels, to wipe up the blood from the towel sales.

Order, people! 

Keep them tidy keep them humble

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 15:07 | 1921819 CPL
CPL's picture

Towels and thumbdrives is how I'm starting my plan for world domination.

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 15:19 | 1921949 Falcon15
Falcon15's picture


Mon, 11/28/2011 - 15:54 | 1922213 Fukushima Sam
Fukushima Sam's picture

Unlike the digital watch, the towel is a timeless accessory to fortune and great adventure.

Tue, 11/29/2011 - 02:00 | 1924291 Z Beeblebrox
Z Beeblebrox's picture

Always know where your towel is,

and two heads are better than one.

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 15:12 | 1921868 schoolsout
schoolsout's picture

I blame it all on the Towlieban

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 15:14 | 1921891 CPL
CPL's picture

good lord that was a stinker.  +1

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 15:18 | 1921928 WALLST8MY8BALL
WALLST8MY8BALL's picture

Your a Towel!

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 15:33 | 1922082 TheFourthStooge-ing
Mon, 11/28/2011 - 17:56 | 1922998 smlbizman
smlbizman's picture

wanna get high???...

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 15:56 | 1922255 sabra1
sabra1's picture

Lord of the Rings, The Two Towels.

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 17:50 | 1922981 NumberNone
NumberNone's picture

Possibly it was the background music in the store that got them fired up...I thought i heard John Linen. 

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 17:20 | 1922795 Blythes Master
Blythes Master's picture

Yeah, but you can't eat towels.


/sarc off

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 15:07 | 1921816 Sequitur
Sequitur's picture

As for evidence why I own a Glock 40 with a lot of ammunition, I submit video number two, respectfully, for your honors.

My lords, tell me, are you not merciful?

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 15:16 | 1921909 Chump
Chump's picture

+1 for a caliber that starts with '4.'

Just be careful out there (or use a freaking holster please).


Mon, 11/28/2011 - 15:44 | 1922155 Sequitur
Sequitur's picture

If you liked that story, you'll LOVE this video, and this guy does indeed have a holser:

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 16:10 | 1922375 Normalcy Bias
Normalcy Bias's picture

That reminds me of this timeless gem: DEA Agent Accidentally Shoots Himself In The Foot -

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 16:10 | 1922379 Ag1761
Ag1761's picture

Indeed, this unfortunate chap would require the services of said towel after shooting himself to stem the flow of jam. Yet another invaluable use for the towel.

I like to wrap silver maples in my towel before putting them in plastic tubes under the soil as recommended by friends on ZH. Again, towel efficiency.

Another use for the towel is as a vehicle of submission, like when Merkil finally throws in the German towel to the ECB Printing ring instead of laying her towel on the Greek beaches. Again, an effective use.

One fine use for a towel would be as a weapon of death used to string up some of these pricks trying to run the country.




Mon, 11/28/2011 - 16:31 | 1922490 JohnG
JohnG's picture

It's really not funny...but I just can't stop laughing.

We'll see him win a Darwin soon enough.

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 20:15 | 1923468 hannah
hannah's picture

no,no,no,......G17...... 9mm is lighter so you can carry more....and a head shot is a head shot....!

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 15:44 | 1922171 Lowest Common D...
Lowest Common Denominator's picture

What?  Are you a towel who feels threatened by the consumer rabble?  Maybe you have towel friends who's safety you worry about?  Or is the Glock to make sure that you get a towel if you ever find yourself competing for scarce cheap resources?  Or maybe you just have a gun fetish?  I don't get it...

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 15:08 | 1921830 SouthernX
SouthernX's picture

"Spanky Yankies NEED  a wanking towe"l, says Towlie.

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 15:14 | 1921841 Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance's picture

This terrible towel incident brings new meaning to the term "Terrible Towel".

My apologies to all Pittsburg Steelers fans for dragging you into this insanity. May you enjoy Ben in peace. :>)

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 15:35 | 1922095 Dagny Taggart
Dagny Taggart's picture

Don't you believe in Karma? Dangerous ground Cog...

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 15:42 | 1922153 Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance's picture

When baby back Ben finally learns how to leave the collapsing pocket before it collapses I'll work on my Karma. On the other hand Ben seems to enjoy inflicting heart attacks on his fans so whom am I to complain? And they are winning, which is another plus for Beefy Ben McRib.

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 16:27 | 1922474 lotsoffun
lotsoffun's picture

cd - i'm really surprised you would be a little ben backer after what was clearly his so many unwanted transgressions against the fairer sex.  he would be in prison if he wasn't white and rich.  many times over.


Wed, 11/30/2011 - 14:54 | 1931554 bigdumbnugly
bigdumbnugly's picture

fran tarkenton, bitchez!

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 15:39 | 1922128 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

Well CD I gave you my first down arrow ever. Associating the Steelers with those savages.

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 15:48 | 1922202 Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance's picture

I bad. I very very bad. :>)

After all, the Steelers are professionals. Besides, you can't fight in the war room or on the field of play.

I can make fun of my Tom Terrific (Patriots) as well. I just wish he hadn't cut his golden locks. I simply don't care if he had split (tight) ends. It's a bad omen for the season. :>)

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 15:09 | 1921848 BlueStreet
BlueStreet's picture

Someone should let them know the first time they wash those towels they will fall apart.



Mon, 11/28/2011 - 15:17 | 1921917 CPL
CPL's picture

but...but they are a $1.28 and worth every stitch received in emergency.  After the hospital visit that should bring the cost per towel to $500 a piece if I buy ten of them.


Now does a $500 dollar towel sound like it would fall to pieces?  No way man...towel for life!  Word!


Peace out.

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 15:10 | 1921853 GeneMarchbanks
GeneMarchbanks's picture

Mos Def!!!

NTS: purchase many towels.

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 15:13 | 1921884 fuu
fuu's picture

Hyperspace bypass desperately needed.

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 15:13 | 1921887 kito
kito's picture

HOLY CRAP!! TOWELS FOR 1.29?!?!?!?! CANT BE!!!! 

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 15:37 | 1922111 RacerX
RacerX's picture

Yep you better hurry before they're ALL GONE!!

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 15:16 | 1921913 buzzsaw99
buzzsaw99's picture

It will be easy to round up the phone sterilizers and such when the time comes. Just announce a blowout sale aboard the spaceship gtfo of here right before launch.

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 15:17 | 1921918 BigJim
BigJim's picture

Who knew Americans were such Hoopy Froods?

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 15:17 | 1921926 Falcon15
Falcon15's picture

I want DON'T PANIC embossed on my towel in BIG FRIENDLY letters, since I cannot seem to find a recent copy of the Galactic Best Seller - The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 16:20 | 1922440 richard in norway
richard in norway's picture

thats a great idea, ill buy one when you have set up your factory. as long as its us made

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 15:17 | 1921927 Ensane
Ensane's picture

Love me some DA on ZH, shame the original book text wasn't included but fair none the less.

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 15:21 | 1921970 slewie the pi-rat
slewie the pi-rat's picture

where egyptian cotton is involved, tanks & RPGs are de rigueur!

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 15:24 | 1921987 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

Now me, I would've never guessed that towels would be a shopping list item, let alone a Black Friday item.

So, I guess the plan went something like this.

Clerk: "Hey boss, the center isle displays are starting to disappear, even non-gift items."

Boss: "Hmm... We already moved our extra products an hour ago. Hey, do we still have that pallet of towels that we couldn't sell for $1.33?"

Clerk: "Sure, they're right over there."

Boss: "Mark the box $1.28, and set it out."

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 15:24 | 1921995 RichardENixon
RichardENixon's picture

"Cleanup on Aisle 5...No need to bring a mop or towels"

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 15:25 | 1922007 lolmao500
lolmao500's picture

Do you wanna get high?

Don't forget to bring a towel.

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 15:28 | 1922033 Misean
Misean's picture

Yeah, but these days you really need a pair of Jo-Janta 2000 peril sensitive sunglasses.

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 15:31 | 1922061 fuu
fuu's picture

I almost went there.

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 15:34 | 1922086 Seasmoke
Seasmoke's picture

if you girlfriend doesnt swallow, then get the towel

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 15:59 | 1922287 Sokhmate
Sokhmate's picture

Seamen and towels have natural affinity. I prefer disposable.

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 15:38 | 1922121 bbq on whitehou...
bbq on whitehouse lawn's picture

So Xboxes are free but you have to pay for towels.

Looks like we have some hitchkickers. I wonder if they like poetry?

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 15:44 | 1922159 Quinvarius
Quinvarius's picture

Isn't that same transmission method we used to killed the Indians?  I wonder if they were that excited to get free Army blankets.

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 15:45 | 1922177 adr
adr's picture

Just the same type of people that bring you this:

Now you know why they needed to riot for all those towels

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 15:56 | 1922260 metastar
metastar's picture

Where are the storm troopers? I would expect that they would be there to pepper spray the crowd.

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 16:18 | 1922429 Andy_Jackson_Jihad
Andy_Jackson_Jihad's picture

They were busy emptying out the 0.99 towels.

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 16:20 | 1922436 Waterfallsparkles
Waterfallsparkles's picture

Really scary.  Makes you wonder what would happen if the Stores were running out of Food.

This is the reason if everything fails the best thing to have is protection and plenty of ammunition.

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 16:22 | 1922451 Frank N. Beans
Frank N. Beans's picture

they weren't fighting over towels. they were fighting over trolls.

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 16:26 | 1922470 the grateful un...
the grateful unemployed's picture

i know that somehow this is tied to Towlie the dope smoking towel on South Park. everytime Towlie makes an appearance the CIA gets in on the action.

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 16:41 | 1922565 Nobody For President
Nobody For President's picture



Mon, 11/28/2011 - 16:57 | 1922667 dis-stressed
dis-stressed's picture

42 that's the answer!... is it the price?

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 17:02 | 1922693 glokk26L
glokk26L's picture

Caliber starting with a .4 just means you get spendy when you feed it.  But then again I love caliber wars, people get downright defensive and downright kool-aidy when talking how their .45 makes people die just by being mentioned with a stern look.

That and how a drugged out meth-head with a bad attitude will merely laugh if you shoot him with a 9mm even if you use all the ammunition in all the magazines you have.

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 17:26 | 1922836 krispkritter
krispkritter's picture

Wait...wait...wait...wait...wait, did anyone else get this video in the previews after watching the Wal-massacre?!  

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 17:27 | 1922840 Zaphod B.
Zaphod B.'s picture

My towel has 42 embroidered on it.

Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster anyone?

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 17:45 | 1922950 glokk26L
glokk26L's picture

Dollar Towels....

Also known as, Pricier Toilet Paper when your disposable, flushable models run out, and you're also out of Sears catalogs, newspapers, and FRN's...

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 19:02 | 1923245 theprofromdover
theprofromdover's picture

In the UK, they would all have been arrested (for rioting) and jailed for 90 days -even if they went to the tills and paid for them sorry-ass goods.

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 21:29 | 1923699 peekcrackers
peekcrackers's picture

Towels are the molotov cocktail best freind

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 21:33 | 1923707 Bruin4
Bruin4's picture

If that is not staged then I give up.

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 23:29 | 1923960 chindit13
chindit13's picture

In what is perhaps a related news item, Homeland Security has just announced a six month ban on Toga Parties at all American universities until the problem of Peak Towel is better addressed.

Mon, 11/28/2011 - 23:30 | 1923962 Steve in Greensboro
Steve in Greensboro's picture

In the same vein, Douglas Adams was really writing about the OWS folks in the chapters about the Golgafrincham Ark B.

Look it up.

Tue, 11/29/2011 - 03:01 | 1924406 electronpaul
electronpaul's picture

Tyler, you frood!   lol    oh, yeah, and ELECT RON PAUL     nice rp article., keep pushing him, guys like you and him our only hope!   "You can do it!"

Wed, 11/30/2011 - 12:41 | 1930700 Charles Bishop ...
Charles Bishop Weyland's picture

This is just silly. I'm GIVING AWAY FACEHUGGERS  next week---NOW that's bullish for 10 millimeter caseless, running shoes, gauze, pulserifles,AND body armor. SEE? THAT's how you stimulate the economy-Place the average citizen in a fight-or-get-impregnaated-by-hungry- damn-near-unstoppable killing-machines-scenario-and all else becomes SECONDARY. Economic STIMULUS? I DARESAY.Fucking amateurs.They'll need towels just to mop up the blood. and again, BULLISH for LYSOL.  this is how you get to head an ORBITAL interstellar conglomerate;

 Watch and learn.


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