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FBI Opens Inquiry Into JPM Loss

Tyler Durden's picture


Earlier we were complaining that the newsflow was on its way to getting full-retard surreal. It just crossed that line.

From NBC:

NY FBI Opens Inquiry into JPMorgan Chase Loss


The FBI in New York has opened an inquiry into JP Morgan Chase's $2 billion loss, NBC 4 New York has learned.


People familiar with the matter tell NBC 4 New York that the inquiry is not a criminal investigation. The FBI is taking a preliminary look at the incident.


JPMorgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon disclosed last week that the bank had lost the $2 billion by making a bad bet with so-called credit derivatives.


Investors lopped off nearly 10 percent from JPMorgan's stock price the next day, and 3 percent more on Monday. Since Dimon made the announcement, nearly $20 billion in market value has evaporated.

Sooooo: FBI jobs created or saved investigating JPM: +10,000?

Translated: the FBI has been unleashed to investigate how a bailed out TBTF bank with full government backstop can possibly lose money, and to arrest those responsible.

The good news: this surely means that the FBI will certainly now look at recent vaporization events at MF Global. Right??? Right???

The scariest news of the day: FBI agents are now using Bloomberg Terminals.


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Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:15 | 2427512 Lost Wages
Lost Wages's picture

FBI and DOJ want their bribes and this will all be smoothed over.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:20 | 2427539 Pladizow
Pladizow's picture

To simply quiet the heard until they forget!

Perhaps JPM should donate to the retired FBI pension fund?

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:22 | 2427560 hedgeless_horseman
hedgeless_horseman's picture



Investors lopped off nearly 10 percent from JPMorgan's stock price the next day, and 3 percent more on Monday. Since Dimon made the announcement, nearly $20 billion in market value has evaporated.

Selling is a crime. 

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:28 | 2427633 WhyDoesItHurtWh...
WhyDoesItHurtWhen iPee's picture

Who would all these sellers be with all that capital?

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:40 | 2427713 The Big Ching-aso
The Big Ching-aso's picture



I hope this isn't another fake bank investigation.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:51 | 2427751 Sudden Debt
Sudden Debt's picture


Good one...

It's as real as it gets. The mailboy who just got promoted is going to go to jail for the next 40 years and justice will be served!

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:51 | 2427753 williambanzai7
williambanzai7's picture

Sorry, you lose

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 13:22 | 2427933 macholatte
macholatte's picture

 Obama confirms Wall St is a casino.


Just hours after a top JPMorgan Chase executive retired in the wake of a stunning $2 billion trading loss, President Obama told the hosts of ABC’s “The View” that the bank’s risky bets exemplified the need for Wall Street reform.

“JPMorgan is one of the best-managed banks there is. Jamie Dimon, the head of it, is one of the smartest bankers we got and they still lost $2 billion and counting,” the president said. “We don’t know all the details. It’s going to be investigated, but this is why we passed Wall Street reform.”


“This is the best, or one of the best-managed banks. You could have a bank that isn’t as strong, isn’t as profitable making those same bets and we might have had to step in,” Obama said.  “That’s exactly why Wall Street reform’s so important.”



Obama: JPMorgan Is ‘One of the Best-Managed Banks’

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 15:06 | 2428412 john39
john39's picture

... the "view"... is that what passes for journalism these days...   as if the "respectable outlets" aren't joke enough.  the totus has to go on the view.   somone please make it stop.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 15:21 | 2428476 JPM Hater001
JPM Hater001's picture

I love when they post stories from the onion.

Nothin gonna fucking happen.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 15:30 | 2428535 Joe Sixpack
Joe Sixpack's picture

Replying to the main article:


It is quite clear what just happened- the Fed and/or the plunge protection team (if not the same) just lost their (our) ass on JPM stock.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 17:44 | 2429113 AldousHuxley
AldousHuxley's picture

FBI must have their pension funds invested in JP Morgan

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 22:00 | 2429961 monoloco
monoloco's picture

Obama:"it's going to be investigated" translation: Yo Jamie, bro, you better step up the fundraising. Barack

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 14:33 | 2427936 AlaricBalth
AlaricBalth's picture

What the FBI should look into is how these banks are able to obstruct price discovery on Level 3 assets which allows them to conceal losses. They book gains immediately as they occur, for obvious reasons, but delay reporting losses through the suspension of trading on certain Level 3 assets thereby manipulating price discovery which lets them hold back reporting of losses until they get too big.


(Like JPM's $2,000,000,000,000 loss)

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:58 | 2427817 SheepDog-One
SheepDog-One's picture

Exactly....the FBI is investigating all the terrorists who sold off their JPM stocks.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 13:14 | 2427906 Ljoot
Ljoot's picture

Selling is a crime. 


That's why I buy SKF.


Tue, 05/15/2012 - 13:35 | 2428009 Silver Bully
Silver Bully's picture

'Selling is a crime. '

The Arrests Will Continue Until Morale Improves.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 14:24 | 2428254 The Big Ching-aso
The Big Ching-aso's picture



If JPM is a best-managed bank then the Hindenburg was a well-flown blimp up until it exploded in flames.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 15:15 | 2428448 jekyll island
jekyll island's picture

FBI gonna have to broaden the investigation when all the $700 trillion CDS go "poof" like MF Global.  They are going to need more FBI agents.  And terminals. 

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:23 | 2427592 pkea
pkea's picture

the real question is who is pulling the fbi's tail to do it....

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:51 | 2427724 narnia
narnia's picture

the FBI has to go in and assume juristictional supremacy so real police work cannot be done.  

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 13:04 | 2427844 Cursive
Cursive's picture


FTMFW!  Nothing like a cover-up.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 13:29 | 2427994 Badabing
Badabing's picture

The FBI must have consulted Munger and Buffet about investing in a nice company like (the morg) instead of gold!

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 18:11 | 2428278 The Big Ching-aso
The Big Ching-aso's picture



This is the kind of assignment a rookie gets to see if he can handle the rigors of going-nowhere investigations.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:51 | 2427755 Bananamerican
Bananamerican's picture

"Well Mr President, we've checked out the allegations....Good news sir, they're clean...just good men, doing good work, keeping america's financial sytem strong, providing liquidity...We've seen since '08 how men of great wealth and integrity can make mistakes too. But it's a testament to their overall integrity that none have been indicted in that entire time period. Now you'll have to excuse me. We've discovered a financial propaganda terror cell online..."

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:57 | 2427807 pkea
pkea's picture

ha, is anyone in doubt that the major chase's shareholder isn't on the prez's speed dial:)

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 21:26 | 2428291 The Big Ching-aso
The Big Ching-aso's picture



How this pans out.............

"Did you lose that money by illegal methods, or other nefarious means of which you can divulge now?"


"Are you absolutely, positively, conclusively beyond a shadow of a doubt sure?"


"Ok.   Well that's good enough for us.   This inquiry is now closed."


Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:37 | 2427694 LMAOLORI
LMAOLORI's picture




Tue, 05/15/2012 - 14:02 | 2428157 The Third Man
The Third Man's picture

Ahhhh.....the memory hole. It's one thing that the government is especially good at.

Name the American soldier who allegedly shot and killed 16 Afghan civilians less than 2 months ago.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:20 | 2427561 pkea
pkea's picture

they better open an inquiry  into who replaced drew and what zames will do from now



Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:36 | 2427606 sunaJ
sunaJ's picture

Official Inquiry:

[Knock, knock]

Holder: Hi, Jamie.  Is there anything I can do to help?

Dimon: Nah, I'll call you if I need you.

Holder:  Okay, have a nice day.



Tue, 05/15/2012 - 14:06 | 2428160 earleflorida
earleflorida's picture

Sad, isn't it, what we've become? Cronies for politicians selecting Judges, FBI & CIA heads! Pure,... unadulterated 'Feudalism' with a neo-fascist twist to prevent the 'Vassal [S]' from fracking! 

The ever evolving, USSA!!!

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:28 | 2427641 Ruffcut
Ruffcut's picture

What so they distract from that shitbag corzine? Yep, they are going over for donuts and crack.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 13:31 | 2427999 Elwood P Suggins
Elwood P Suggins's picture

I lost a dime last week.  Wonder if they'll do an investigation for me?  Nice to know the FBI has all these people sitting around waiting for something like this.  Guess there's no real crime in the country anymore.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:36 | 2427684 B-rock
B-rock's picture

PTFD.  Prosecute the fucking dip.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:41 | 2427715 LMAOLORI
LMAOLORI's picture

Most important sentence of the article NOT A CRIMINAL INVESTIGATION

People familiar with the matter tell NBC 4 New York that the inquiry is not a criminal investigation.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 13:56 | 2428120 earnyermoney
earnyermoney's picture

It's a consulting gig. Cleaning up the crime scene.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 20:17 | 2429650 Mentaliusanything
Mentaliusanything's picture

Cleaning up the crime scene AND learning how the experts hide the facts. The FBI would love to know how to make money disappear so it can be repothicated elsewere for use in.... shall we say .... well away from prying eyes and bespectacled account auditors.

Fully funded black ops is De rigur ... Booo yyaaa

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 13:58 | 2428134 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

Well, of course not. Any crimes were committed long before they legitimately lost the money.

No, this is the "Acting tough on our buddies." section of the script for the upcoming battle "Pretenda in Novemba."

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 18:42 | 2429344 trgfunds
trgfunds's picture

Who the hell gave you a down arrow?! must be the two morons left still holding on to the idea that the FBI/DOJ are still the good guys lol. Bet they have a US flag hanging outside their house. USA! USA! :/

I sir, give you an up arrow!

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:15 | 2427516 mayhem_korner
mayhem_korner's picture



This is how the FBI agents get in on the hookers & blow.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:20 | 2427571 fuu
fuu's picture

Since the SS connection got outed.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 14:05 | 2428172 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

You mean "Top Shelf" hookers and blow. They've always got crack-hos to fall back on.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:18 | 2427524 Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance's picture

Oh please.

The FBI is too busy creating/manufacturing domestic terrorists out of thin air to actually investigate JP Morgue.

Who says manufacturing is dead in America?

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:22 | 2427587 Cdad
Cdad's picture

I'm not familiar with this trade...

Is being investigated by the FBI bullish?  Thanks in advance.

confused Cdad

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:34 | 2427659 Manthong
Manthong's picture

Lehman Brothers was to Goldman Sachs what

JPM is to    G______ S____ ?  (fill in the blanks) 


Tue, 05/15/2012 - 15:53 | 2428684 55 men
55 men's picture

Gold Sausage?

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 16:51 | 2428914 upWising
upWising's picture

Greek Sausage

Greek Shares

the possibilites are endlesss.......................

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 20:20 | 2429655 Mentaliusanything
Mentaliusanything's picture

Good Shit

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:24 | 2427608 DaveyJones
DaveyJones's picture

William Black on JP truthiness, hedginess and other criminal attributes of TBTF 

go to min 14:30

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 20:13 | 2429629 General Debility
General Debility's picture

Thanks DJ

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:26 | 2427618 CPL
CPL's picture

It'll be dead once the FBI figure out that their pension funds are empty having given the reigns of them to the prop desk a couple of years ago.  (It'll be money in the bank baby...last thing said I suppose.)


Did you notice how fast they were to launch an investigation?  What did it take for Madoff...months...year?  Took a loooonnnnnng time. 




Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:28 | 2427630 Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance's picture

"Can't find what ya ain't looking for."

Overheard in the FBI executive washroom.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 14:08 | 2428186 CPL
CPL's picture

It'll be funny when those senior FBI executives pensions and defined benefits start to bounce like a rubber ball.  Hard keeping a cottage and golf memebership when you are dirt poor.  What suck most is it's going to take a savage financial beating or make not just one intelligence agency understand...but all of them.


Besides, what are they really going to do about it if it's empty?


Nothing sadly, they'll be told to shut up and stand in the breadlines with the rest of the population and get lied to daily about how awesome the world is doing.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:29 | 2427639 AL_SWEARENGEN

FBI investigates JPM and finds no wrongdoing in the Silver market.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:35 | 2427678 cossack55
cossack55's picture

Also overheard between two FBI fellows:

SAC: Find anything in the basement?

Agent 86: Just rooms full of paper with "10 Pounds of .999 fine silver" printed on them.


Tue, 05/15/2012 - 14:09 | 2428195 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

Fast? Why it's the perfect election-year fodder. Everybody is pissed at fedgov bailing out Wall St., so what do they do but investigate something that isn't even a crime, all so they can use it to add even more "regulations" to the books that will further protect them from real competition.

It's all about noise. LOUD noise.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:33 | 2427657 pkea
pkea's picture


Tue, 05/15/2012 - 14:17 | 2428220 Drachma
Drachma's picture

Exceedingly bloated budgets of repression must be justified for those still on the edge of consciousness.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:19 | 2427534 Burr's 2nd Shot
Burr's 2nd Shot's picture

Losing money is now a crime?  Changes the complexion of the 10 Most Wanted list considerably, I would think.

How is Jon Corzine, BTW?

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 14:07 | 2428185 mendigo
mendigo's picture

Just fine it would seem.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 20:25 | 2429667 Mentaliusanything
Mentaliusanything's picture

"Free Jon Corzine" ............ Free he is, home clear, connected, protected and untouchable. Jon Doe on the other hand gets jail for not being able to pay a parking fine. Fair yes?

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:19 | 2427540 midgetrannyporn
midgetrannyporn's picture






Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:20 | 2427541 Xkwisetly Paneful
Xkwisetly Paneful's picture

They should conduct ten investigations!

Manipulating markets and still losing should be an imprisonable offense.

Anyone seen Corzine lately?


Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:21 | 2427556 Lost Wages
Lost Wages's picture

That's the funny part: How they keep losing. What a bunch of dipshits.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:19 | 2427548 GeneMarchbanks
GeneMarchbanks's picture

Onion writers tearing out the little hair they have left...

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:20 | 2427550 max2205
max2205's picture

Too bad she's white...she's a gonner

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:20 | 2427552 LawsofPhysics
LawsofPhysics's picture

Wake me up when someone of significance in the administration or any one of these wall street firms goes to jail.  The FBI will spend millions to "learn" what we all already know.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:22 | 2427590 Xkwisetly Paneful
Xkwisetly Paneful's picture

should be about the same as the day one of the seven federal agencies or state regulators that oversee the financial system is held accountable.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:27 | 2427624 LawsofPhysics
LawsofPhysics's picture

Precisely, there have been plenty of opportunities to hold people accountable in the financial world.  Not only were none of these pricks not held accountable with any real consequences, but the taxpayer bailed them out.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:28 | 2427627 pkea
pkea's picture

Wake me up when someone of significance in the administration or any one of these wall street firms goes to jail.  The FBI will spend millions to "learn" what we all already know.


 that would qualify as a black swan:)

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 19:31 | 2429517 BooMushroom
BooMushroom's picture

Here's a fun thought: what if any criminal investigation involving federal funds by a federal employee was given "preponderance of the evidence" instead of "sovereign immunity?"

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:20 | 2427573 ZeroPower
ZeroPower's picture

This is retarded, what the hells does a gov agency have to do with a prop trade went wrong from an American bank's Ldn offices. Where the hell was the FBI on MFglobal??

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:28 | 2427640 LawsofPhysics
LawsofPhysics's picture

Yes, numerous examples (Corzine is but one).  The fraud/tryanny/corruption is pretty damn blatant now.  Sad really.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 15:21 | 2428478 Edelweiss
Edelweiss's picture

O's administration would have to be profoundly retarded not to know many U.S. citizens despise the banking class. This bullshit is so they can demonstrate their "tough on irresponsible bankers" stance to all of us. I would be shocked if anything of substance came of this. In the process, the administration pisses away more debt money borrowed from the kind of people they are supposedly holding accountable? What a giant fucking farce.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:22 | 2427577 Sutton
Sutton's picture

Find the MFG money while you are there.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:21 | 2427581 transaccountin
transaccountin's picture

damn no wonder jpm is up 3+%

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:21 | 2427583 falak pema
falak pema's picture

when is the FBI going to open an enquiry into the Watergate fix of RN or the Dallas fix of JFK?

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:21 | 2427589 buzzsaw99
buzzsaw99's picture

The DOJ picks the peanuts out of the banker's shit and eats them.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:53 | 2427769 tarsubil
tarsubil's picture

They are even forced to smile while doing so. That's why they are so miserable over there.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 13:03 | 2427845 Treason Season
Treason Season's picture

They don't bother seperating it.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:23 | 2427595 New England Patriot
New England Patriot's picture

Qui bono...


This can be used to advance the redoubtable cause of regulation.


How dare you lose taxpayer money?

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:22 | 2427598 Kaiser Sousa
Kaiser Sousa's picture

They ain't gonna do a god damn thing....u know who holder used to work for...selling fucking wolf tickets for the shepple's amusement....

"FBI, CIA all the tell us is lies
when I say it they get alarmed...cause I'm louder than a bomb..."

Public Enemy

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:22 | 2427599 icanhasbailout
icanhasbailout's picture

Didn't the FBI investigate MF Global and fail to find any criminal intent?


If anyone wants to bet against a whitewash in this case, let me know. Also I have some very nice bridges at really amazing prices.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:45 | 2427736 GeezerGeek
GeezerGeek's picture

I notice that the article said that this was not a criminal investigation, so no need to expect a finding of criminal intent here. If losing money on bad investments were to be declared a crime, the FBI would be knocking on my door this very moment.

Eric Holder just wanted an excuse to dodge the paperwork coming his way from Darrell Issa (R-Califormia). "Sorry, I'm too busy with Wall Street stuff to explain my role in Fast & Furious."

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:29 | 2427600 orangedrinkandchips
orangedrinkandchips's picture

full retard....almost there...


Jamie Dimon= Mongo

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:22 | 2427601 Rainman
Rainman's picture

Maybe the Morgue forgot to renew their casino gaming license issued in 1999.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:23 | 2427607 ArrestBobRubin
ArrestBobRubin's picture

Yes, and word has it that Bernie Madoff will be heading the Feeb's "investigation" into JPM, its ultimate paymaster.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:23 | 2427610 machinegear
machinegear's picture

Only President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho can save us now. Oh God, I pray to thee...

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:35 | 2427679 XitSam
XitSam's picture

Hmm. I'm not sure.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 14:25 | 2428255 pods
pods's picture

Brought to you by Carl's Jr.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:25 | 2427612 Joebloinvestor
Joebloinvestor's picture

The FBI and SEC are also opening investigations into the losses suffered from the opening of "John Carter".

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:24 | 2427613 Boilermaker
Boilermaker's picture

They'll find that absolutely no laws were breached.  It's actually a backhanded way of exonerating Dimon.

You might take the fact that JPM is up ~4% know...a sign.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:27 | 2427625 hedgeless_horseman
hedgeless_horseman's picture



He'll need that exoneration when he is appointed Sec Treas.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:33 | 2427664 LawsofPhysics
LawsofPhysics's picture

We have a winner.  The best way to never be prosecuted is to be "investigated" with no evidence for wrong doing found.

Same as it ever fucking was.  Where is John Corzine? 

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:54 | 2427792 El
El's picture

He's bundling for Obama.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:26 | 2427617 insanelysane
insanelysane's picture

And no investigation into MF Global.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:55 | 2427796 Sudden Debt
Sudden Debt's picture

Dude! That happened MONTHS ago!!

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:25 | 2427621 barliman
barliman's picture


Chill out, people!

This is S.O.P. nowadays. The FBI is investigating to make sure there is not enough evidence for a criminal proceeding.

Do you really believe these bankster clowns are bright enough to cover up all their tracks on their own????


Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:36 | 2427692 americanspirit
americanspirit's picture

The FBI has specialists who clean up crime scenes. Normally they do this after the investigation is complete, but in this case ...

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:28 | 2427634 A Lunatic
A Lunatic's picture

Some of that 20 bil must have been insider elite funds. Silly are only supposed to lose the sheeples money.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:29 | 2427635 ArrestBobRubin
ArrestBobRubin's picture

I sure hope this doesn't siphon off key FBI Resources that could be better utilized in the War on Raw Milk

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:50 | 2427766 GeezerGeek
GeezerGeek's picture

That was probably a SWAT team from the Dept. of Agriculture, not the FBI. Surely the DoA has its own SWAT team, just like the Dept. of Education has one (needed to go after those who don't repay student loans promptly.)

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:53 | 2427774 GeezerGeek
GeezerGeek's picture


Tue, 05/15/2012 - 13:54 | 2428110 sof_hannibal
sof_hannibal's picture

head fake... 3 card monty

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:29 | 2427645 geewhiz190
geewhiz190's picture

Is there a connection to MF Global ? 

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:30 | 2427646 Trimmed Hedge
Trimmed Hedge's picture

Just wait til the CIA jumps in....

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 13:07 | 2427652 Mercury
Mercury's picture

Please...since when does the federal government bat an eyelash over $2bil.?

They'll waste the rest of the month trying to figure out how to use their shiny new Bloomberg terminal.

[Help] [Help] Hello Tiffany? This is Friday. I understand that when the index went down, this position was worth less...but...where did the money go?  Thx.

P.S  Does this thing have pictures? You sound totally hot.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:33 | 2427665 DebtSlaveZombie
DebtSlaveZombie's picture

Yeah, and as the FBI director and Jamie Dimon toss back a few drinks and laugh at how gullible the sheeple are.  HAHA!!!

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:33 | 2427671 jarboejl
jarboejl's picture

Why not send in the FBI?  They beat the shit outta the SEC.  Both are incompetent in the world of derivatives, but at least the FBI still sends some folks to jail.  One can only hope.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:39 | 2427702 buzzsaw99
buzzsaw99's picture

The FBI takes orders from the squid.

Free Sergey.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:42 | 2427709 sgt_doom
sgt_doom's picture

The FBI hasn't sent anyone to jail involved with the latest bankster fraud?

Back during the S&L meltdown, a minuscule fraction of today's, 839 banksters did jail time, thanks to those professional criminalogists who put them away (and I ain't referring to the feebs).


Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:34 | 2427672 Hugh Jorgan
Hugh Jorgan's picture

The bureau doesn't have the intellect to even understand what JP does above taking deposits and clearing checks.  Anything in the back office outside the simple stuff, and they will be scratching heads.  Dimon should be comforted to know the keystone cops are in charge of this "investigation"!

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:42 | 2427711 buzzsaw99
buzzsaw99's picture

That is exactly why they made things complicated. Baffle them with bs, steal grandma's pension while she sleeps.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 18:39 | 2429330 PoliticalRefuge...
PoliticalRefugeefromCalif.'s picture

Dimon probably called in a request so he can spearhead and massage the investigation while he still is employed.

Wasn't JPM the folks that conducted the banking industry stress test they all passed with flying colors?- I see no fault that can be found in this investigation.

obviously the goddamn muppets fucked this up.


Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:38 | 2427685 tony bonn
tony bonn's picture

bernanke has a grudge fuck against dimon.....that's all....for all of the crimes which schapiro, gensler, holder, and a slew of criminal politicians permit and facilitate, it is absolutely criminal that the fbi be allowed to investigate....but since it is a tool of nazi fascism, it is quite understandable why the fbi would be sticking its nose into private affairs....

on second thought, since jpm is a ward of the state, i guess its affairs are a matter of governmental concern.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:43 | 2427720 buzzsaw99
buzzsaw99's picture

Wrong. The FBI is a zionist tool.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:35 | 2427687 tallen
tallen's picture

Send them all to Guantanamo bay already

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:37 | 2427688 Pairadimes
Pairadimes's picture

It's just Holder helping Obama with an issue to campaign on. Distract and deflect.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:39 | 2427698 sgt_doom
sgt_doom's picture

Ooooohhhhh, the feebs!!

I thought Goldman and JPM owns the feebs?

Certainly, Robert Mueller III, appointed four days prior to 9/11/01, just like he was first appointed by Bush #1 to divert the BCCi investigation away from the White House, and Mueller being the grandnewphew of Richard Bissell (one of three CIA types fired by President Kennedy), and Mueller's wife being the granddaughter of Charles Cabell (second one of three fired by President Kenned), has a questionable background, regardless of the recent books which have whitewashed his career, making him appear pristine for a future run for the presidency (watch for him to be recommended by the Americans Elect hedge fundster/private bankster crew).


Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:38 | 2427699 Bluntly Put
Bluntly Put's picture

Too Big to Whale? Cap'n Ahab Dimon Curses Elusive Whale? Dunno can't find a suitable title. *shrugs*

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:39 | 2427703 godzila
godzila's picture

Quite a day I muss confess - Greece redeems at par, Zeus strikes Holland and now FBi investigates despite no wrongdoing beeing suspected.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:40 | 2427705 SAME AS IT EVER WAS

Skynet and Hal3000 have become infected with rabies

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:40 | 2427708 lizzy36
lizzy36's picture

Political Grandstanding at it finest.

Regulators and Rating Agencies have been asleep for 10 fucking years, and now 6 months ahead of an election and 4 years after they helped caused the financial crisis, they wake up. 

Call me skeptical, but what a load of complete crap.

And exactly whom in the FBI's office is an expert on "synthetic credit portfolios".

Geithner was the guy in early 2009, who said "no investigations" we must look forward for the sake of "confidence". I believe he said no investigations because he was culpable, but i digress. So this trading loss which is immaterial to JPM, did not INCLUDE any client funds (cough cough - MF GLobal) suddenly merits a full court regulatory press.

At least some moronic Congressperson will get to go back to his/her district and tell his/her retarded constituents that he/she is tough on WS. Don't worry about TBTF, we investigated JPM's immaterial, non systemic, non client based, trading loss. Fucking brilliant.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:40 | 2427710 StockHut
StockHut's picture

I heard FBI agents are well versed on synthetic credit derivatives.  They will definitely get to the bottom of this!

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:43 | 2427718 Bam_Man
Bam_Man's picture

They'll spend $5 billion investigating a $2 billion loss, and find "nothing".

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:45 | 2427729 buzzsaw99
buzzsaw99's picture

Then the FBI will apologize to the scumbags who rob their pension.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 18:35 | 2429307 PoliticalRefuge...
PoliticalRefugeefromCalif.'s picture

Sorry, fed pensions have the printing press to resort to, it's the poor fuckers working for the state who will be turning tricks behind the local Denny's..

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:44 | 2427728 Asher88
Asher88's picture

They are just looking out for us! They are going to make those evil banksters pay this time!! Right?? Hello?? Is this thing on?

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:44 | 2427733 Diesel Seven
Diesel Seven's picture

Why is the concept of the FBI using Bloomberg terminals so funny to me? just couldn't stop laughing, thinking of some guy in a suit with four screens and a "Credit Derivatives for Dummies" book on his lap . . .

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 16:13 | 2428754 Pairadimes
Pairadimes's picture

How could the results be any worse than the people who are being paid to use them?

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:47 | 2427741 PaperBear
PaperBear's picture

Who has some popcorn ?

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:48 | 2427744 Downtoolong
Downtoolong's picture

No doubt we’ll see the FBI, CIA, FINRA, FTC, Justice Department, and the archdioceses investigating this one before the CFTC decides to take a look.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:48 | 2427746 buzzsaw99
buzzsaw99's picture

Someone should investigate the bank dick suckers at the FBI.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:49 | 2427750 Shizzmoney
Shizzmoney's picture

FBI to Dimon: "This is the FBI, JPMorgan, open up!

Dimon, waving cash: "These aren't the derivatives you're looking for"

FBI: "Move along.  Move along"

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 14:24 | 2428243 CaptainObvious
CaptainObvious's picture

Damn, when did Dimon go to Jedi school?!

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:49 | 2427752 stant
stant's picture

long mib neurolizers[men in banks]' you did not see fraud here now go out and find some fake terrorist so we can screw republic

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:50 | 2427758 Stuck on Zero
Stuck on Zero's picture

More bonuses!

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:52 | 2427760 soopy
soopy's picture

Why don't they send CSI:NY instead?

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:53 | 2427771 theTribster
theTribster's picture

This is totally political of course. Obummer is describing JPM as the best run bank, Jamie the smartest guy, but hey that's why we did what we did (which was?). Its completely disgusting, the whole shootin' match. They might put one of the piggies in jail over this, somebody that can be a scapegoat. It should of course be Jamie himself, but that won't happen.

Meanwhile dickhead Corzine continues to be free along with 100s or 1000s of other criminals on Wall Street and London. JPMorgan, Goldman, BAC, CS and the rest continue to create nothing for the world, they exist to simply transfer wealth - period. The whole of the financial industry are criminals, this has been forced into the markets and now is the only way one can operate. In fact, many of the illegalities have been wiped out by the lobbyists over the last two decades. The big banks, along with the Governement (Phil Grahm specifically) basically made everything legal, even things that are blatently illegal. Society cannot and will not function under these conditions much longer.

Maybe the FBI will surprise us and put the real criminals in jail, maybe they'll work their way through JPM into every other criminal financial institution and put them in jail as well. Maybe it will all work out. [sarc off]

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:54 | 2427794 dcb
dcb's picture

it's funny because the fbi warned the federal reserve about hosuing and mortgage fraud and they did nothing, plus if anyone thinks this goes to holder's office and anything is done with it they are fooling themselves. Plus barak needs campaign funds. LOL. it's all theater!!!

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:56 | 2427806 daneskold
daneskold's picture

Where is the FBI inquiry into MF Global???????????

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:58 | 2427812 Conman
Conman's picture

What's next? the Secret Service investigating the Fed for forging currency?

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 13:03 | 2427847 snowman
snowman's picture

I've dealt with the feds before (on wall street), and they only get involved if someone is stealing. 

hmmm, the plot thickens....did the CIO's office take a cut?

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 13:04 | 2427853 outamyeffinway
outamyeffinway's picture

Fortunately his bonus was already approved....

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 13:08 | 2427869 WTF2
WTF2's picture

Good thing Jamie passed his stress test!

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 13:06 | 2427871 Dingleberry
Dingleberry's picture

1. Jamie already said they were "stupid".

2. "Stupidity" is not the same as fraud, according to Obama, and every other bought off politician and MSM (even though their "stupidity" coincidentally made banksters tons of cash)

3. Therefore there wil be no prosecutions.

      I wonder how Bill Black prosecuted all those S&L types back in the day. Didn't any defense attorneys use stupidty as a legal defense? 



Tue, 05/15/2012 - 13:08 | 2427874 the not so migh...
the not so mighty maximiza's picture

Yo FBI guys, what about that Corzine guy too???????


Tue, 05/15/2012 - 13:08 | 2427881 midgetrannyporn
midgetrannyporn's picture

owebama and turbo timmy are on television felating dimon right now.

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