FBI Opens Inquiry Into JPM Loss

Tyler Durden's picture


Earlier we were complaining that the newsflow was on its way to getting full-retard surreal. It just crossed that line.

From NBC:

NY FBI Opens Inquiry into JPMorgan Chase Loss


The FBI in New York has opened an inquiry into JP Morgan Chase's $2 billion loss, NBC 4 New York has learned.


People familiar with the matter tell NBC 4 New York that the inquiry is not a criminal investigation. The FBI is taking a preliminary look at the incident.


JPMorgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon disclosed last week that the bank had lost the $2 billion by making a bad bet with so-called credit derivatives.


Investors lopped off nearly 10 percent from JPMorgan's stock price the next day, and 3 percent more on Monday. Since Dimon made the announcement, nearly $20 billion in market value has evaporated.

Sooooo: FBI jobs created or saved investigating JPM: +10,000?

Translated: the FBI has been unleashed to investigate how a bailed out TBTF bank with full government backstop can possibly lose money, and to arrest those responsible.

The good news: this surely means that the FBI will certainly now look at recent vaporization events at MF Global. Right??? Right???

The scariest news of the day: FBI agents are now using Bloomberg Terminals.

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Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:15 | 2427512 Lost Wages
Lost Wages's picture

FBI and DOJ want their bribes and this will all be smoothed over.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:20 | 2427539 Pladizow
Pladizow's picture

To simply quiet the heard until they forget!

Perhaps JPM should donate to the retired FBI pension fund?

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:22 | 2427560 hedgeless_horseman
hedgeless_horseman's picture



Investors lopped off nearly 10 percent from JPMorgan's stock price the next day, and 3 percent more on Monday. Since Dimon made the announcement, nearly $20 billion in market value has evaporated.

Selling is a crime. 

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:28 | 2427633 WhyDoesItHurtWh...
WhyDoesItHurtWhen iPee's picture

Who would all these sellers be with all that capital?

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:40 | 2427713 The Big Ching-aso
The Big Ching-aso's picture



I hope this isn't another fake bank investigation.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:51 | 2427751 Sudden Debt
Sudden Debt's picture


Good one...

It's as real as it gets. The mailboy who just got promoted is going to go to jail for the next 40 years and justice will be served!

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:51 | 2427753 williambanzai7
williambanzai7's picture

Sorry, you lose

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 13:22 | 2427933 macholatte
macholatte's picture

 Obama confirms Wall St is a casino.


Just hours after a top JPMorgan Chase executive retired in the wake of a stunning $2 billion trading loss, President Obama told the hosts of ABC’s “The View” that the bank’s risky bets exemplified the need for Wall Street reform.

“JPMorgan is one of the best-managed banks there is. Jamie Dimon, the head of it, is one of the smartest bankers we got and they still lost $2 billion and counting,” the president said. “We don’t know all the details. It’s going to be investigated, but this is why we passed Wall Street reform.”


“This is the best, or one of the best-managed banks. You could have a bank that isn’t as strong, isn’t as profitable making those same bets and we might have had to step in,” Obama said.  “That’s exactly why Wall Street reform’s so important.”



Obama: JPMorgan Is ‘One of the Best-Managed Banks’


Tue, 05/15/2012 - 15:06 | 2428412 john39
john39's picture

... the "view"... is that what passes for journalism these days...   as if the "respectable outlets" aren't joke enough.  the totus has to go on the view.   somone please make it stop.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 15:21 | 2428476 JPM Hater001
JPM Hater001's picture

I love when they post stories from the onion.

Nothin gonna fucking happen.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 15:30 | 2428535 Joe Sixpack
Joe Sixpack's picture

Replying to the main article:


It is quite clear what just happened- the Fed and/or the plunge protection team (if not the same) just lost their (our) ass on JPM stock.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 17:44 | 2429113 AldousHuxley
AldousHuxley's picture

FBI must have their pension funds invested in JP Morgan

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 22:00 | 2429961 monoloco
monoloco's picture

Obama:"it's going to be investigated" translation: Yo Jamie, bro, you better step up the fundraising. Barack

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 14:33 | 2427936 AlaricBalth
AlaricBalth's picture

What the FBI should look into is how these banks are able to obstruct price discovery on Level 3 assets which allows them to conceal losses. They book gains immediately as they occur, for obvious reasons, but delay reporting losses through the suspension of trading on certain Level 3 assets thereby manipulating price discovery which lets them hold back reporting of losses until they get too big.


(Like JPM's $2,000,000,000,000 loss)

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:58 | 2427817 SheepDog-One
SheepDog-One's picture

Exactly....the FBI is investigating all the terrorists who sold off their JPM stocks.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 13:14 | 2427906 Ljoot
Ljoot's picture

Selling is a crime. 


That's why I buy SKF.


Tue, 05/15/2012 - 13:35 | 2428009 Silver Bully
Silver Bully's picture

'Selling is a crime. '

The Arrests Will Continue Until Morale Improves.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 14:24 | 2428254 The Big Ching-aso
The Big Ching-aso's picture



If JPM is a best-managed bank then the Hindenburg was a well-flown blimp up until it exploded in flames.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 15:15 | 2428448 jekyll island
jekyll island's picture

FBI gonna have to broaden the investigation when all the $700 trillion CDS go "poof" like MF Global.  They are going to need more FBI agents.  And terminals. 

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:23 | 2427592 pkea
pkea's picture

the real question is who is pulling the fbi's tail to do it....

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:51 | 2427724 narnia
narnia's picture

the FBI has to go in and assume juristictional supremacy so real police work cannot be done.  

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 13:04 | 2427844 Cursive
Cursive's picture


FTMFW!  Nothing like a cover-up.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 13:29 | 2427994 Badabing
Badabing's picture

The FBI must have consulted Munger and Buffet about investing in a nice company like (the morg) instead of gold!

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 18:11 | 2428278 The Big Ching-aso
The Big Ching-aso's picture



This is the kind of assignment a rookie gets to see if he can handle the rigors of going-nowhere investigations.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:51 | 2427755 Bananamerican
Bananamerican's picture

"Well Mr President, we've checked out the allegations....Good news sir, they're clean...just good men, doing good work, keeping america's financial sytem strong, providing liquidity...We've seen since '08 how men of great wealth and integrity can make mistakes too. But it's a testament to their overall integrity that none have been indicted in that entire time period. Now you'll have to excuse me. We've discovered a financial propaganda terror cell online..."

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:57 | 2427807 pkea
pkea's picture

ha, is anyone in doubt that the major chase's shareholder isn't on the prez's speed dial:)

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 21:26 | 2428291 The Big Ching-aso
The Big Ching-aso's picture



How this pans out.............

"Did you lose that money by illegal methods, or other nefarious means of which you can divulge now?"


"Are you absolutely, positively, conclusively beyond a shadow of a doubt sure?"


"Ok.   Well that's good enough for us.   This inquiry is now closed."


Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:37 | 2427694 LMAOLORI
LMAOLORI's picture






Tue, 05/15/2012 - 14:02 | 2428157 The Third Man
The Third Man's picture

Ahhhh.....the memory hole. It's one thing that the government is especially good at.

Name the American soldier who allegedly shot and killed 16 Afghan civilians less than 2 months ago.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:20 | 2427561 pkea
pkea's picture

they better open an inquiry  into who replaced drew and what zames will do from now



Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:36 | 2427606 sunaJ
sunaJ's picture

Official Inquiry:

[Knock, knock]

Holder: Hi, Jamie.  Is there anything I can do to help?

Dimon: Nah, I'll call you if I need you.

Holder:  Okay, have a nice day.



Tue, 05/15/2012 - 14:06 | 2428160 earleflorida
earleflorida's picture

Sad, isn't it, what we've become? Cronies for politicians selecting Judges, FBI & CIA heads! Pure,... unadulterated 'Feudalism' with a neo-fascist twist to prevent the 'Vassal [S]' from fracking! 

The ever evolving, USSA!!!

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:28 | 2427641 Ruffcut
Ruffcut's picture

What so they distract from that shitbag corzine? Yep, they are going over for donuts and crack.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 13:31 | 2427999 Elwood P Suggins
Elwood P Suggins's picture

I lost a dime last week.  Wonder if they'll do an investigation for me?  Nice to know the FBI has all these people sitting around waiting for something like this.  Guess there's no real crime in the country anymore.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:36 | 2427684 B-rock
B-rock's picture

PTFD.  Prosecute the fucking dip.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:41 | 2427715 LMAOLORI
LMAOLORI's picture

Most important sentence of the article NOT A CRIMINAL INVESTIGATION

People familiar with the matter tell NBC 4 New York that the inquiry is not a criminal investigation.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 13:56 | 2428120 earnyermoney
earnyermoney's picture

It's a consulting gig. Cleaning up the crime scene.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 20:17 | 2429650 Mentaliusanything
Mentaliusanything's picture

Cleaning up the crime scene AND learning how the experts hide the facts. The FBI would love to know how to make money disappear so it can be repothicated elsewere for use in.... shall we say .... well away from prying eyes and bespectacled account auditors.

Fully funded black ops is De rigur ... Booo yyaaa

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 13:58 | 2428134 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

Well, of course not. Any crimes were committed long before they legitimately lost the money.

No, this is the "Acting tough on our buddies." section of the script for the upcoming battle "Pretenda in Novemba."

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 18:42 | 2429344 trgfunds
trgfunds's picture

Who the hell gave you a down arrow?! must be the two morons left still holding on to the idea that the FBI/DOJ are still the good guys lol. Bet they have a US flag hanging outside their house. USA! USA! :/

I sir, give you an up arrow!

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:15 | 2427516 mayhem_korner
mayhem_korner's picture



This is how the FBI agents get in on the hookers & blow.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:20 | 2427571 fuu
fuu's picture

Since the SS connection got outed.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 14:05 | 2428172 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

You mean "Top Shelf" hookers and blow. They've always got crack-hos to fall back on.

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:18 | 2427524 Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance's picture

Oh please.

The FBI is too busy creating/manufacturing domestic terrorists out of thin air to actually investigate JP Morgue.

Who says manufacturing is dead in America?

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:22 | 2427587 Cdad
Cdad's picture

I'm not familiar with this trade...

Is being investigated by the FBI bullish?  Thanks in advance.

confused Cdad

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:34 | 2427659 Manthong
Manthong's picture

Lehman Brothers was to Goldman Sachs what

JPM is to    G______ S____ ?  (fill in the blanks) 


Tue, 05/15/2012 - 15:53 | 2428684 55 men
55 men's picture

Gold Sausage?

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 16:51 | 2428914 upWising
upWising's picture

Greek Sausage

Greek Shares

the possibilites are endlesss.......................

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 20:20 | 2429655 Mentaliusanything
Mentaliusanything's picture

Good Shit

Tue, 05/15/2012 - 12:24 | 2427608 DaveyJones
DaveyJones's picture

William Black on JP truthiness, hedginess and other criminal attributes of TBTF 


go to min 14:30

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