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The Fed Single-Handedly Keeps Xerox And HP Alive

Tyler Durden's picture


In an amazing story by the WSJ Blog - Real-Time Economics, the mysterious world of the Fed-embargoed statement production is revealed. For all those worried about HP or Xerox in the tough global economy (or for that mind any printer-ink/copier provider), fear not, for the Fed will keep their revenues flowing as we can't help but envision the movie 'Office Space' when we read this:


Why Was Fed Statement Late? 20th Century Technology


As any veteran market participant knows, the Federal Open Market Committee meeting outcome is announced only roughly around the scheduled time. Why?


Unlike almost all the other stuff that comes out of the government’s economic divisions, the Federal Reserve statement is distributed using decidedly 20th century technology.


First, it makes its way from the Fed to the Treasury Department press room via fax machine around 2 p.m. Then, a reporter makes copies for the entire room–on Wednesday that was a heavier than usual five pages multiplied by 80 copies, or 400 pages.


And, of course, the copier froze. The reporter had to run to another room and use a Treasury machine, spending precious minutes.


Typically, reporters get 10 minutes to read through the statement and write their stories. Because of the copier jam, that was cut to an eight minute countdown.


When time is up, one lucky Treasury Department official counts down the last 10 seconds and rings a ship’s bell, and the headlines fly. That was at about 2:23 p.m. — a little later than usual.


You see the problem here — fax and copy machines are the weak link. For all the times you’ve cursed a reluctant printer, imagine doing that with hot Fed news in hand.


The mechanics of releasing the statement have been worked out over the years with the collaboration of financial news agencies,” a Fed spokesman said.


In a word - speechless!


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Wed, 09/21/2011 - 19:59 | 1695100 TradingJoe
TradingJoe's picture

Oh well we got IT in time didn't we, eh? We sold off anyway:)))!

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 20:03 | 1695118 d00daa
d00daa's picture

how are those puts looking joe?  good on ya!

i closed the calls on my straddle @ 3:40 and let the puts run into the close, looking for a gap down at tomorrow's open to take some off the table.

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 20:05 | 1695123 Pool Shark
Pool Shark's picture



I'm not expecting any royalties for this idea, but:



Wed, 09/21/2011 - 20:12 | 1695140 nmewn
nmewn's picture

LOL!!! the risk of starting a shit storm...I've had the same problem with the manmade global warming idiots flying around the globe in their jets instead of just having a video conference.

Prolly just me though ;-)

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 22:16 | 1695448 Thomas
Thomas's picture

I think they ought to mimeograph it.

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 22:22 | 1695467 rocker
rocker's picture

 I think Tyler may have got this one wrong.

 They say it was a  "KYOCERA"

   Some guy with a Bow Tie sold it to them. They had to wait for a service call.   

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 23:38 | 1695609 Isotope
Isotope's picture

I'm going to vote for clay tablets and a stylus.

Much more permanent.

Plus, you need to hire and train all those scribes, so, increased employment.

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 02:36 | 1695872 Jendrzejczyk
Jendrzejczyk's picture


Wed, 09/21/2011 - 21:11 | 1695223 Mercury
Mercury's picture

As Ben would say - "Tradition I guess."


Ben: Did they get the fax?

Secy: I'll call to see if they got the fax.


Secy: Did you get the fax?

Tim: Uh, I don't know...I'll check.... DID WE GET THE FAX?

Ben: Did Tim get the fax?

Tim:  We didn't get the fax


Ben: Tell Tim we're going to resend the fax...

Secy: We're going to resend the fax...

Tim: OK, how many pages is it?



Secy: It's five pages plus the cover...

Ben: DO I DIAL '9' FIRST AND THEN '1' OR JUST '1' ??



Tim:  It's coming...It's coming...It's...Oh my God!.... this isn't the report! This is a picture of...

Secy: was a dare...that happened like three months ago at the QE2 party...I....that's not supposed to be in there! Oh no!

Tim: Are you uh....are you free tonight?....


Wed, 09/21/2011 - 21:12 | 1695306 optimator
optimator's picture

Course I didn't get the fax, but I of course I got the call and Emailed all the tribal buddies.

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 21:58 | 1695408 AldousHuxley
AldousHuxley's picture


you mean email?

or Txt msg on crackberry?


oh must be twitter from #bernanke to #TimFGeithner


Heck just post a feed on US Treasuries facebook wall:


For voyeurs, check out flickr photo streams:



Wed, 09/21/2011 - 21:21 | 1695329 Buckaroo Banzai
Buckaroo Banzai's picture

OK. That was fucking hilarious.

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 21:23 | 1695333 caerus
caerus's picture

that's hilarious

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 00:23 | 1695666 knukles
knukles's picture

God's Man Sex Prop Desk:  Here it comes!  Got it! 
Prop trader #2:  How long before the press gets it?
#1: He said he could fuck it up oh for about 8 minutes or so.
#2:  Ok, I'l grab the bonds, you short the stocks.
#1  Hey Joey, BTW, Blythe'll be shorting the piss out of the silver and gold....  be sure to run her ass off at the close...
#2:  How'd you get this to do this?
#1:  Fuck all simple, just got into the NYNEX and MaBell system and duped the Treasury fax number to ring here it's called from the Fed outgoing.
#1:  Fuckin-A snooth, dude.
Floyd (voice of Floyd the Barber):  N- N- Nuh  Nuh  Nice........

(A Novel.  Names have been changed to protect the guily and innocent as if the innocent need any fucking protection.  Any resemblance to any living or real person, place or thing is just unintentional and a manifestation of a big ass bit of paranoia on the part of the paranoid if taken that way and is meant only as twisted humorous imaginary drivel.)

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 00:33 | 1695683 blunderdog
blunderdog's picture

funny stuff, +1. 

"great greenspan's ghost!"

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 20:49 | 1695238 Manthong
Manthong's picture

It got where it needed to go exactly on time (or a little earlier)... interesting that the Q's tanked exactly at 2:23.. must be some speed readers out there.

OK, though.. got my shorts on just before 3 pm.. and I won't be caught with my shorts down tomorrow.

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 21:56 | 1695405 lemonobrien
lemonobrien's picture

paper is nicer; old money; rich. you can't eat an ipad.

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 21:03 | 1695281 upWising
upWising's picture



How much time has YOUR labor-saving technology saved YOU today?

Let the Congregation say "Amen."

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 21:36 | 1695356 Jumbotron
Jumbotron's picture



How much time has YOUR labor-saving technology saved YOU today?

Let the Congregation say "Amen."


Now that's some funny shit right there !

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 00:25 | 1695670 knukles
knukles's picture

Could somebody please help me get this fucking computer to work before I eat the sonofabitch?

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 10:08 | 1696767 covert
covert's picture

time to short them! :) hehehe


Wed, 09/21/2011 - 20:00 | 1695105 Jasper M
Jasper M's picture

I immediately get flashback to an old copier commercial . .

"It's a Miracle!"

. .. as in, it's a miracle it isn't late more often -
it's a miracle the system works at all, for as long as it has.
I, heck, just write you own joke!

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 20:00 | 1695107 TwelfthVulture
TwelfthVulture's picture

And these fucking jack asses are in charge????

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 20:01 | 1695111 Where My Dawg At
Where My Dawg At's picture

Archaic bastards.

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 20:02 | 1695114 Rockfish
Rockfish's picture

Thanks, I think?

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 20:02 | 1695115 Jumbotron
Jumbotron's picture

Don't forget the printer company found in more banks than any other brand and was once the former printer divsion of IBM....




Apropo I think concerning the banks.

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 20:32 | 1695185 perchprism
perchprism's picture



Wed, 09/21/2011 - 21:40 | 1695361 Jumbotron
Jumbotron's picture



This is why you shouldn't rdink nad ytpe !  Burp...

But the LAW of the KING works even better.

Tip of the highball glass to ya !

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 22:20 | 1695462 lemonobrien
lemonobrien's picture

yeah, i work in the printer business; it was a lexmark; an old ibm company.

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 20:05 | 1695124 Trimmed Hedge
Trimmed Hedge's picture

They had to call the help desk in India first....

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 20:14 | 1695148 OldTrooper
OldTrooper's picture

Is it plugged in?  Is it turned on?  Turn it off, wait 30 seconds and turn it back on again.

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 23:44 | 1695622 geekgrrl
geekgrrl's picture

Don't even get me started with the "help desk." It would be ugly.

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 20:07 | 1695126 Where My Dawg At
Where My Dawg At's picture

You should see the way the SEC handles a lot of their crap.


I just can't figure out where all the tax dollars go other than bombs.

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 20:14 | 1695146 Sabibaby
Sabibaby's picture

The porn servers are actually onsite in the SEC building to decrease latency. Brilliant!

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 20:07 | 1695128 nmewn
nmewn's picture

Why am I not surprised?

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 20:08 | 1695131 Robslob
Robslob's picture




I know a fella that used to work in I.T. for a large investment firm in New York...he is now a VP of I.T. for The Federal Reserve (FRIT.FRB) and I can tell you they are waaaay behind the times...good thing they still have some "barbaric relics" hanging around?


Maybe the good folks at Anonymous simply aren't applying themselves...or maybe they are paid not too (Enter: Julian A$$ange).



Wed, 09/21/2011 - 21:43 | 1695374 Jumbotron
Jumbotron's picture

The Elites don't need technology.  They were fucking over the common man long before the iPad and e-mail.

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 20:10 | 1695135 Soul Train
Soul Train's picture

what a cluster ...

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 20:12 | 1695138 King_of_simpletons
King_of_simpletons's picture

Joke of the day:

Some old farts don't realize that things are changing for the worst.

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 20:37 | 1695177 Translational Lift
Translational Lift's picture

Bove must be thinking of the Venezuelan B of A......We have a procedure in this country for banks that fail.  It's called bankruptcy and the FDIC makes sure the deposits are covered (it will not "pull everyone down with it") and assets are sold to a new entity (ask Wilbur).  This is the same bullshit argument fostered that lead to the Gov take-over of GM.....pure bullshit!!

So now Bove is an apologist for BAC??!!

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 20:42 | 1695220 Cursive
Cursive's picture

Remember "Lehman was a generational buy"?

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 21:21 | 1695325 Pool Shark
Pool Shark's picture



He was right.

It will take him a generation to live that 'buy call' down...


Wed, 09/21/2011 - 22:38 | 1695495 rcintc
rcintc's picture

Remember "Lehman was a generational buy"?


Like BAC is now....

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 21:12 | 1695307 New_Meat
New_Meat's picture

yesterday morning on Boomberg, Bove did admit he was wrong in 2008.  Coffee, meet new screen.

- Ned

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 01:37 | 1695804 OldPhart
OldPhart's picture

"Some old farts don't realize that things are changing for the worst."

Some do.

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 20:12 | 1695141 ramblinon
ramblinon's picture

THIS is what happens when you hire the CEO of a software company to run a hardware company!!

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 21:23 | 1695334 Pool Shark
Pool Shark's picture



Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Can't be done; it's a hardware problem.

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 23:05 | 1695546 snowball777
snowball777's picture

mail -s 'lightbulb'

Please change the lightbulb.



Wed, 09/21/2011 - 23:45 | 1695623 King_of_simpletons
King_of_simpletons's picture

# mutt


You should try it out. Flexible.

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 00:05 | 1695644 geekgrrl
geekgrrl's picture

Programmers don't change lightbulbs. They write workarounds that obviate the need for light.

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 20:14 | 1695147 max2205
max2205's picture

I did see a pop just before then. Shorts front-running

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 20:23 | 1695165 caerus
caerus's picture

damn it feels good to be a bankster

- the bernank

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 20:26 | 1695170 kito
kito's picture

Its a good thing the fed isnt printing or there really couldve been an hp disaster

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 20:27 | 1695174 V10
V10's picture

"PC LOAD LETTER" ?  What the fuck does that mean!?

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 20:35 | 1695197 caerus
caerus's picture


Wed, 09/21/2011 - 21:31 | 1695350 wisefool
wisefool's picture

PC = Printer code. meaning the firmware is operating in customer/nominal state. As opposed to diag or other mode.

LOAD LETTER = Load the tray with letter sized paper.

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 22:49 | 1695517 tmosley
tmosley's picture

Hey, that's great...

Listen, do you know anything about money laundering?

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 20:28 | 1695178 jomama
jomama's picture

fucking hilarious.  

thanks, i needed that!

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 20:34 | 1695191 AbelCatalyst
AbelCatalyst's picture

I thought printing was their specialty!!??

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 20:41 | 1695193 Mercury
Mercury's picture


First, it makes its way from the Fed to the Treasury Department press room via fax machine around 2 p.m.

Get your fax--->email number programed into that clunker (or the -step 2- copy machine) and you've got yourself a reality arbitrage opportunity...

How hard can that be?

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 20:40 | 1695213 Cursive
Cursive's picture

Of all the bullshit WSJ stories.  Uh, OK, so in those extra 8 minutes how many insider trades were executed?  Hatzius probably got the "vapors" and fainted.

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 20:54 | 1695253 data_monkey
data_monkey's picture

This is a joke, right?

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 20:56 | 1695259 CapitalistRock
CapitalistRock's picture

So that settles it. We now know the fed does not create backup plans. We're really screwed.

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 21:02 | 1695274 crazyjsmith
crazyjsmith's picture

Printing is for CLOSERS!

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 21:04 | 1695284 Anonymouse
Anonymouse's picture

Let's be fair.  Most of their fancy new color copiers are busy creating new FRNs, so only the old black and white was available for distribution of the announcement.

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 21:19 | 1695316 knowless
knowless's picture

hp is just about as quality a company as the above clip.


if hp would try to not be an over-bloated pointless company pushing their ink racket then maybe they wouldn't need so much help staying afloat?



Thu, 09/22/2011 - 07:34 | 1696182 johnQpublic
johnQpublic's picture

hp fucking sucks.....worst customer service on the planet

took 'em 7.5 months to get me a functional computer

back to the factory four times after about 80 hours of troubleshooting

hp rep on phone.."how do you feel about about removing the back cover and taking out the mother board and sending it to us?"

pissed off mechanic with junk hp computer to hp rep..."how do you feel about pulling off the wheel of your car car ,removing the brakepads and sending them to me?"


i'm never ever buying an hp product again

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 21:40 | 1695365 ThisIsBob
ThisIsBob's picture

What's a fax?

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 21:41 | 1695366 ThisIsBob
ThisIsBob's picture

What's a fax?

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 22:00 | 1695411 asheylarry
asheylarry's picture

I was told I could listen to the radio at a reasonable volume.......

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 22:03 | 1695416 Rard Heset
Rard Heset's picture

Yeeeah Ben I'm gunna have to ask you to aaahhhhh work this weekend and ahhhh get those printing presses aaahh fired back up OK greeeat Ben thaanks.

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 22:24 | 1695474 Sokhmate
Sokhmate's picture

The TPS report never got delivered.

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 22:51 | 1695519 kahunabear
kahunabear's picture

What else would you expect from a community of artists?

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 23:20 | 1695576 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

Well, at least the ship's bell still works.

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 23:46 | 1695630 zorba THE GREEK
zorba THE GREEK's picture

Bernanke is so confident in what he is doing that he probably doesn't wipe after taking a dump.

That doesn't mean that it doesn't stink, just that he can't smell it.

Wed, 09/21/2011 - 23:49 | 1695634 vast-dom
vast-dom's picture

Because it direct inverse of HFT. Averages out....

Thu, 09/22/2011 - 00:16 | 1695660 Stack Trace
Stack Trace's picture

They need to post FOMC meeting updates via Twitter. Let's see what they can fit into 140 characters:

"400 Billion dollars flushed down the toilet. Suckas!"

Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!