The Fed Single-Handedly Keeps Xerox And HP Alive

Tyler Durden's picture

In an amazing story by the WSJ Blog - Real-Time Economics, the mysterious world of the Fed-embargoed statement production is revealed. For all those worried about HP or Xerox in the tough global economy (or for that mind any printer-ink/copier provider), fear not, for the Fed will keep their revenues flowing as we can't help but envision the movie 'Office Space' when we read this:


Why Was Fed Statement Late? 20th Century Technology


As any veteran market participant knows, the Federal Open Market Committee meeting outcome is announced only roughly around the scheduled time. Why?


Unlike almost all the other stuff that comes out of the government’s economic divisions, the Federal Reserve statement is distributed using decidedly 20th century technology.


First, it makes its way from the Fed to the Treasury Department press room via fax machine around 2 p.m. Then, a reporter makes copies for the entire room–on Wednesday that was a heavier than usual five pages multiplied by 80 copies, or 400 pages.


And, of course, the copier froze. The reporter had to run to another room and use a Treasury machine, spending precious minutes.


Typically, reporters get 10 minutes to read through the statement and write their stories. Because of the copier jam, that was cut to an eight minute countdown.


When time is up, one lucky Treasury Department official counts down the last 10 seconds and rings a ship’s bell, and the headlines fly. That was at about 2:23 p.m. — a little later than usual.


You see the problem here — fax and copy machines are the weak link. For all the times you’ve cursed a reluctant printer, imagine doing that with hot Fed news in hand.


The mechanics of releasing the statement have been worked out over the years with the collaboration of financial news agencies,” a Fed spokesman said.


In a word - speechless!

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TradingJoe's picture

Oh well we got IT in time didn't we, eh? We sold off anyway:)))!

d00daa's picture

how are those puts looking joe?  good on ya!

i closed the calls on my straddle @ 3:40 and let the puts run into the close, looking for a gap down at tomorrow's open to take some off the table.

Pool Shark's picture



I'm not expecting any royalties for this idea, but:



nmewn's picture

LOL!!! the risk of starting a shit storm...I've had the same problem with the manmade global warming idiots flying around the globe in their jets instead of just having a video conference.

Prolly just me though ;-)

Thomas's picture

I think they ought to mimeograph it.

rocker's picture

 I think Tyler may have got this one wrong.

 They say it was a  "KYOCERA"

   Some guy with a Bow Tie sold it to them. They had to wait for a service call.   

Isotope's picture

I'm going to vote for clay tablets and a stylus.

Much more permanent.

Plus, you need to hire and train all those scribes, so, increased employment.

Mercury's picture

As Ben would say - "Tradition I guess."


Ben: Did they get the fax?

Secy: I'll call to see if they got the fax.


Secy: Did you get the fax?

Tim: Uh, I don't know...I'll check.... DID WE GET THE FAX?

Ben: Did Tim get the fax?

Tim:  We didn't get the fax


Ben: Tell Tim we're going to resend the fax...

Secy: We're going to resend the fax...

Tim: OK, how many pages is it?



Secy: It's five pages plus the cover...

Ben: DO I DIAL '9' FIRST AND THEN '1' OR JUST '1' ??



Tim:  It's coming...It's coming...It's...Oh my God!.... this isn't the report! This is a picture of...

Secy: was a dare...that happened like three months ago at the QE2 party...I....that's not supposed to be in there! Oh no!

Tim: Are you uh....are you free tonight?....


optimator's picture

Course I didn't get the fax, but I of course I got the call and Emailed all the tribal buddies.

AldousHuxley's picture


you mean email?

or Txt msg on crackberry?


oh must be twitter from #bernanke to #TimFGeithner


Heck just post a feed on US Treasuries facebook wall:


For voyeurs, check out flickr photo streams:



Buckaroo Banzai's picture

OK. That was fucking hilarious.

knukles's picture

God's Man Sex Prop Desk:  Here it comes!  Got it! 
Prop trader #2:  How long before the press gets it?
#1: He said he could fuck it up oh for about 8 minutes or so.
#2:  Ok, I'l grab the bonds, you short the stocks.
#1  Hey Joey, BTW, Blythe'll be shorting the piss out of the silver and gold....  be sure to run her ass off at the close...
#2:  How'd you get this to do this?
#1:  Fuck all simple, just got into the NYNEX and MaBell system and duped the Treasury fax number to ring here it's called from the Fed outgoing.
#1:  Fuckin-A snooth, dude.
Floyd (voice of Floyd the Barber):  N- N- Nuh  Nuh  Nice........

(A Novel.  Names have been changed to protect the guily and innocent as if the innocent need any fucking protection.  Any resemblance to any living or real person, place or thing is just unintentional and a manifestation of a big ass bit of paranoia on the part of the paranoid if taken that way and is meant only as twisted humorous imaginary drivel.)

blunderdog's picture

funny stuff, +1. 

"great greenspan's ghost!"

Manthong's picture

It got where it needed to go exactly on time (or a little earlier)... interesting that the Q's tanked exactly at 2:23.. must be some speed readers out there.

OK, though.. got my shorts on just before 3 pm.. and I won't be caught with my shorts down tomorrow.

lemonobrien's picture

paper is nicer; old money; rich. you can't eat an ipad.

upWising's picture



How much time has YOUR labor-saving technology saved YOU today?

Let the Congregation say "Amen."

Jumbotron's picture



How much time has YOUR labor-saving technology saved YOU today?

Let the Congregation say "Amen."


Now that's some funny shit right there !

knukles's picture

Could somebody please help me get this fucking computer to work before I eat the sonofabitch?

Jasper M's picture

I immediately get flashback to an old copier commercial . .

"It's a Miracle!"

. .. as in, it's a miracle it isn't late more often -
it's a miracle the system works at all, for as long as it has.
I, heck, just write you own joke!

TwelfthVulture's picture

And these fucking jack asses are in charge????

Rockfish's picture

Thanks, I think?

Jumbotron's picture

Don't forget the printer company found in more banks than any other brand and was once the former printer divsion of IBM....




Apropo I think concerning the banks.

perchprism's picture



Jumbotron's picture



This is why you shouldn't rdink nad ytpe !  Burp...

But the LAW of the KING works even better.

Tip of the highball glass to ya !

lemonobrien's picture

yeah, i work in the printer business; it was a lexmark; an old ibm company.

Trimmed Hedge's picture

They had to call the help desk in India first....

OldTrooper's picture

Is it plugged in?  Is it turned on?  Turn it off, wait 30 seconds and turn it back on again.

geekgrrl's picture

Don't even get me started with the "help desk." It would be ugly.

Where My Dawg At's picture

You should see the way the SEC handles a lot of their crap.


I just can't figure out where all the tax dollars go other than bombs.

Sabibaby's picture

The porn servers are actually onsite in the SEC building to decrease latency. Brilliant!

nmewn's picture

Why am I not surprised?

Robslob's picture




I know a fella that used to work in I.T. for a large investment firm in New York...he is now a VP of I.T. for The Federal Reserve (FRIT.FRB) and I can tell you they are waaaay behind the times...good thing they still have some "barbaric relics" hanging around?


Maybe the good folks at Anonymous simply aren't applying themselves...or maybe they are paid not too (Enter: Julian A$$ange).



Jumbotron's picture

The Elites don't need technology.  They were fucking over the common man long before the iPad and e-mail.

Soul Train's picture

what a cluster ...

King_of_simpletons's picture

Joke of the day:

Some old farts don't realize that things are changing for the worst.

Translational Lift's picture

Bove must be thinking of the Venezuelan B of A......We have a procedure in this country for banks that fail.  It's called bankruptcy and the FDIC makes sure the deposits are covered (it will not "pull everyone down with it") and assets are sold to a new entity (ask Wilbur).  This is the same bullshit argument fostered that lead to the Gov take-over of GM.....pure bullshit!!

So now Bove is an apologist for BAC??!!

Cursive's picture

Remember "Lehman was a generational buy"?

Pool Shark's picture



He was right.

It will take him a generation to live that 'buy call' down...


rcintc's picture

Remember "Lehman was a generational buy"?


Like BAC is now....

New_Meat's picture

yesterday morning on Boomberg, Bove did admit he was wrong in 2008.  Coffee, meet new screen.

- Ned

OldPhart's picture

"Some old farts don't realize that things are changing for the worst."

Some do.

ramblinon's picture

THIS is what happens when you hire the CEO of a software company to run a hardware company!!

Pool Shark's picture



Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Can't be done; it's a hardware problem.

snowball777's picture

mail -s 'lightbulb'

Please change the lightbulb.



King_of_simpletons's picture

# mutt


You should try it out. Flexible.

geekgrrl's picture

Programmers don't change lightbulbs. They write workarounds that obviate the need for light.