The "Formerly Brilliant Dimon" And Maxine Waters Debate Delta Hedging And Negative Convexity Live

Tyler Durden's picture

As if last week's bought and paid for by JPMorgan media circus in the Senate was not enough, in which Jamie Dimon played several bribed muppets like a fiddle, today we get part two. Momentarily, the Committee on Financial Services will pick up the baton where the Senate left off, and confirm to everyone that the people who lead this country, at least on paper, are some of the most incompetent, and outright clueless when it comes to financial matters. The same matters that have led America to the Second great depression, which has so far been prevented from wiping out 20% of the economy only courtesy of Bernanke's relentless money printing. Dimon's testimony, which is a replica of last week's, can be found here. In other news, Jamie Dimon is furious he never bribed Maxine Waters before. Now he will have to explain introductory math for absolute idiots. Karma is a bitch.

In addition to Jamie, who will headline the second session, today's witnesses will include Securities and Exchange Commission Chairman Mary Schapiro; Chairman of the Commodity Futures Trading Commission Gary Gensler; Acting Chairman for Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation Martin Gruenberg; Comptroller of the Currency Thomas Curry; and Federal Reserve Board of Governors General Counsel Scott Alvarez.

The live webcast is after the jump.

Finally, those who wish to pour their hearts out vis-a-vis the Formerly Brilliant Dimon, can do so below. The best comments will be used by Geoffrey Raymond as an annotation addition to his "Formerly Brilliant Dimon" presented below.

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dannyboy's picture

No drinking games on this one Tyler? Anyone got any ideas?

Everybodys All American's picture

Drinking game ... one drink for every word Maxine makes up.

Missiondweller's picture

Maxine Waters is proof that you can get elected to COngress even with a sub 100 IQ.



francis_sawyer's picture

It's gonna be like that scene from 'Scanners'...

Nothing To See Here's picture

And by suggesting sub-100, you have kept yourself a WIDE margin of error.

The saddest part of the story is thinking about the bunch of zombies who acctually got out of their house, got into their vehicles, made the line and purposefully performed the action of voting for her as their elected representative.

That scene alone explains A, B, C, Greece and everything else.

The Big Ching-aso's picture



"Senator Waters, as chairman I can tell you exactly what happened."

"Stop!.   I think I know exactly what happened here, Mr. Dimon.     You screwed up didn't you?"


"Ok.   Very good. Well I have nothing else to say.  Let the record show that I am satisfied with Mr. Dimon's answer."



imaginalis's picture

Jamie Dimon "The Board is 100% responsible for my salary" (when asked if his salary would be subject to clawbacks)


Will they be 100% responsible for JPM losses?

Hard1's picture

Jamie Dimon:  "Lobbying (bribing your favourite congressperson) is a constitutional right"  No, I'm not kidding, he said that! obviously withouth the parenthesis part, but hey! it's good to be the .01%

economics9698's picture

Maxine Waters has maybe a 85 IQ.  Maybe.

TruthInSunshine's picture

Watching the clown show that is an imbecilic Maxine Waters trying to grasp the arithmetic of those 'financially engineered & synthesized products' which Jamie 'superstar' Dimon doesn't understand himself: 



MarsInScorpio's picture

Thanks for posting proof that the literacy level about our government is sub-zero in a much wider population than you might have thought; MAXINE WATERS IS A MEMBER OF THE HOUSE - NOT THE SENATE!!!


But then you knew that, and were just testing the rest of us to see who would catch it first.


I love it when the pseduo-intellectuals get on a site and prove they are no more literate than the people they bash . . . I hope your financial literacy is higher than your political.


The Big Ching-aso's picture



Well, your first mistake is that ya didn't focus on the obvious overall parodical nuance here, genius.   But I see ya couched 4 that 2 just in case I did it deliberately.    Ya know, the whole Dimon brilliance part?   Now don't U feel kinda myopically stupid & trite 4 assuming U were possibly smartly onto something about ZH readers?   U weren't, U aren't, & I seriously doubt you'll ever be about pretty much anything else at ZH in general.  Proof?   Ya just got it.

NotApplicable's picture

You would've had a decent zinger there, had you not taken to speaking in number/letter gibberish.

You should only use that when you want to look dumb, like the artist formerly known as the artist formerly known as Prince.

The Big Ching-aso's picture



Just a ZH shorthand 1-liner habit.  Btw, Prince is most likely smarter than U.

Nothing To See Here's picture

Your mistake is to think that we should give a F*** about whether Waters is in the House or the Senate. Really, makes no difference about the substance. But some people do like to make useless points about insignificant details, whenever it gives them the shelter that they are right about something, if not about what's important...

francis_sawyer's picture

 "The saddest part of the story is thinking about the bunch of zombies who acctually got out of their house, got into their vehicles, made the line and purposefully performed the action"

I never knew that DIEBOLD machines could drive?... U learn something new every day on ZH...

hangemhigh77's picture

In her district you have to consider who she was running against. Maybe a potted plant and she barely won.  I'd vote for the plant

A L I E N's picture

Leon the Professional's plant?

AlaricBalth's picture

Maxine Waters: Mr. Dimon concerning hedged fixed income derivative trades, would you agree that Convexity is essentially the same as Gamma, and measures changes in Duration over different interest rates?

Jamie Dimon(as he begins to fume) Congresswoman. I am not sure that I am able to...(Dimons head explodes as brain matter and blood are strewn around the hearing room, like a famous scene in Scanners.)

Maxine Waters (turns and whispers to her aide) Heh heh heh...thank Congressman Paul's office for that question.

(10 sec. scene from Scanners):

Nothing To See Here's picture

I mean, the mere idea of Maxine Waters interrogating Jamie Dimon is like having Frank Drebin on the trail of Carlos the Jackal.

dbomb12's picture

That would lead to alcoholic poisoning and eventually death

financial apocalyptic contagion's picture

summary of Dimon's speech: "Risk is awesome, I love risk, risk gives me a boner, risk is part of the American dream, only faggots dont take risks, this time though we fucked up on this isolated event, which doesnt mean we cant take no more risk in the future. They dont call us RiskyMorgan for nothing. I might be back soon on another risk-related debacle but it won't be the government's or the taxpayer's fault, it will be the company's coz we are chronically addicted to risk. God bless America and risk risk risk risk risk risk......"

narapoiddyslexia's picture

"We do not have a crisis at Freddie Mac, and particularly Fannie Mae, under the outstanding leadership of Frank Raines."

Maxine Waters, October 6, 2004.

'nuff said. Frank Raines is just one more of the many, many unprosecuted "mass crimes" criminals.

The realization creeps in that our government is becoming illegitimate, folks.

spastic_colon's picture

Having dumber politicians than business people is the same as having less is no accident

narapoiddyslexia's picture

True. a new light on the subject. Things change over time, tho, as the gubmint becomes more and more corrupt the politicians become dumber and dumber and dumber. Now that the US gubmint is the most corrupt on the planet its politicians are the dumbest. And then there's gullible, which is quite distinct from dumb, since very smart people can be very gullible. Witness Mormanism.

slewie the pi-rat's picture

well i'm wondering about jamie's cuff links

is that the FED logo?  the prezSeal?  maybe they we given to him by DOJustice?  kiwanis?

with jamie, the CFTC, FDIC, the SEC and the topGunner for the FED, if they carry jamie out on their shouders it's bullish!

nice little pump & dump already

when the FED shill gats the chair, 500.000 metric tonnes of gold will be naked shorted by jamie's blythe msMasters and silver will go down 5 cents in Sympathy for The Devil Rolling Stones - ( Live 1969 Altamont

CrimsonAvenger's picture

I think the comments about Dimon wearing presidential cufflinks are overblown. The real story is all the congressmen wearing JP Morgan cufflinks.

Plus, you can't see it on camera, but I'm pretty sure they're all wearing Goldman Sachs cock-rings as well.

orangedrinkandchips's picture

And I bet those retards think they look phat in the c-rings to boot!

Oro's picture

Her we go!   The joke begins!

Oro's picture

It was not the answer she wall looking for!

Oro's picture

It was not the answer she wall looking for!

Seize Mars's picture

Dude, this is a complete shit show. (Our country, that is.)

Check this:

He's wearing "Presidential Seal" cufflinks. Oh my God. What a fucking absolute shit show. Why not have Corzine and Obama sitting right next to him?

As a banker, CRED ZERO. As a businessman, CRED ZERO. As a man, CRED ZERO.

Bunch of fucking absolute moronic scumbags.


Buckaroo Banzai's picture

He's making a statement to the committee, to Congress, and to anyone watching on TV: "fuck you you shitbirds, i OWN the POTUS, so let's end this farce and go home, where I will continue buttfucking you relentlessly, you stupid worthless fucks."

blindfaith's picture



Sorry, you have it wrong...he own everyone, not just the pontus.  He is symbolizing he is the President and in charge.  Don't like it? well see how you like your 401k busted.

Seize Mars's picture

Absolute fucking third world shit show. They have turned this great country into a fucking disgusting characature.

Complete FUCKERY.

What are we, fucking children? We trade in little coupons that these motherfuckers print out of thin air? Whee! So these scumbag gangsters directly control the purchasing power of our savings. This is childish stupidity.

Is there any "full retard" moron out there who is somehow mystified with what exactly is wrong with our so-called "economy?"

Gee! I can't quite figure it out! FUCKING EPIC STUPID CHILDISH SHIT.

We need sound money RIGHT FUCKING NOW.

By the way according to the article I posted above, Obama & wife are clients of JPM/Chase private client services, with a FUCKING CHECKING ACCOUNT that appartently has $1 million in it. Can this be any more pathetic?

Ghostdog's picture

Hey Banzai, where are the Hong Kong Caviliers when you need them? "There are money boys on the premises!"

hangemhigh77's picture

Bingo.  Bring Clemens back into the chamber here and have him fire a 100 mph fastball right between Jamie's beadly eyes.

NotApplicable's picture

So... just curious... does anybody know whether Obama gives those out to catchers or just pitchers?

(trying to calibrate my gaydar, here)

Papasmurf's picture

The magic cuff links mean that Dimon is short 8 grams less gold than GATA calculates.


fourchan's picture

every time i see maxine waters, i see whats wrong with this country/world.

kaiserhoff's picture

Self-righteous parasites with power?

DaddyO's picture


What about the $800/hr legal hacks behind Dimon, do you think they might be up to their eyeballs in the rape and pillage as wel?


blindfaith's picture



Rest assured that they are not making $800 an hour.  Not when starting "pay" at stepetoe and johnhansen is 3 million fresh out of school.

Taterboy's picture

They are subway tokens. He wanted to impress his banker buddies with something they've never seen.

Benjamin Glutton's picture

1 shot every time someone blames regulation.

Morrotzo's picture

I'm a Wisconsin alcoholic and I'm afraid to play that without activated charcoal and 911 on speed dial.


flattrader's picture

Spent some time in WI.

The alcoholics there are nothing special...just colder than most.

Uff Da!!!