Friday Afternoon Humor: "Welcome To The Final Stretch..."

Tyler Durden's picture

From TheLFB

“Welcome to The Final Stretch, broadcasting live from beautiful Financial Park; home to the exuberant commentary. You join us now as we to go in today’s financial Gymkhana……And They’re Off!!!

  • With a few minutes to go the pace is quickening even though 80% of the world’s financial markets are already closed.
  • Tension mounts as the field moves past Against The Clock.
  • We have trainers with us waiting to cast their opinions, some of who do not even have a horse in the race but who are more than willing to tell us how it should be run.
  • Still no comments on why and Mutual Fund Losses and Massive Redemptions were withdrawn.
  • Low Volume Ramps and Intra-day Drops were placed as favorites ahead of the session, which did not please the punters.
  • As we head into the close it has to be noted that NYMEX is no longer in the field, which eliminates Bullish Bullion and Weak Oil.
  • Initial Margin Call looks to have very few supporters in the stand, but may once again surprise a lot of people at the close.
  • Volatility Index is coming around the outside rail. Market Leader is at the rear.
  • Apple just put its nose in front, unimpeded by ECB jostling for position, and Increasing Vix making an unexplained move.
  • Ohhhhh, we have a faller; we will get a reporter straight over there.
  • It looks as though Breaking Headlines cut across Slow and Steady, and in the carnage that followed Retail Trader was left in the dust. 
  • Risk Exposure pushes to the front leaving Shut The Front Door and OMG trailing at the back.
  • Twitter is putting in a burst to get past Breaking Headlines who is still battling hard with Slow and Steady.
  • The ECB has dropped backwards as the weight of carrying The PIGGS looks overbearing.
  • Ohhhhh, but look at this, just as things were settling down a move by Tele-Prompter has sent the whole field backwards.
  • Eating Peas and Suck It Up did not react well to that move, and we may see a stewards inquiry into why that happened at this stage of proceedings.
  • Treasury Yields has collapsed and is staying down after Bond Values muscled past with little effort.
  • Credit Default Swaps has ignored the moves by S&P Ratings and kept a great pace, while all of the time aware that California Munis are on their tail.
  • Martha's Vineyard and The Nineteenth Hole look a long way off right now, but moves at the rear by Airforce One may be enough to get them through.
  • At the closing bell Initial Margin Call takes it from Credit Default Swaps, who got in by a nose over How Do I Explain This, which pushes out What's All The Noise to finish in 4th place. The Bernanke Put finishes last.

Coverage of the next race from Asia will include a battle between Currency Exchange, Liquid Assets, and 24-Hour Commodities. Details to follow......"

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SheepDog-One's picture

Bernanke Put came in last? Oh man that was the key to my trifecta. 

hedgeless_horseman's picture

Quit looking at my'll blow the odds.

Arkadaba's picture

Stop looking at my pics! Jeez.

spiral_eyes's picture

sorry tyler but for me the ultimate humour today is krugman saying we need more inflation: 

what the heck is he smoking? 

delacroix's picture

I'm sure it's circumsized

hedgeless_horseman's picture

The Bernanke Put finishes last.

I lose, again.

JW n FL's picture

short oil and gold on the upside.. and you will make money all day long!

dont fight the FED!

FED approved Shorts!

1. Oil

2. Gold

or just buy the fucking dip(s)!

DeadFred's picture

The story behind that horse is quite sad. The Bernanke Put was a promising horse but a bit to frisky, so his owner decided to make him a gelding. Instead of improving the horse's racing what ensued was a string of last place finishes. Any good horse pyschologist could have predicted it. As soon as the announcer would say "They're off!" poor The Bernanke Put would fall deep into depression.

Henry Chinaski's picture

I wonder what the surprise announcement will be tonight?

Gert_B_Frobe's picture

Obama awards the "Teflon Pardon Sports Jacket" to the Bern and the Geith (and the Hold, for good measure) 16 months early.

Kali's picture

It's gotta be a biggie.  I was surprised today that things were so quiet and calm after all the fireworks this week.  Doesn't feel right.

StormShadow's picture

Barney Frank threatens to release the sex tape of him with the Bernank (Timmay was cinematographer)

PhattyBuoy's picture

Filmed on location - "moves at the rear by Airforce One may be enough to get them through".

sabra1's picture

don't forget janet napolitano! all went well until it disrobed! "i, i thought you were a man!" barney exclaimed!

knukles's picture

barney thought baloon;

               Dude!  My ass who cares!  This is too fucked up twisted to be passed.  Maybe there is a penal gland somewhere under the folds.  Maybe theres a penal gland somewhere under the folds.  Maybe theres a penal ...

JW n FL's picture

Uploaded by bstill3 on Aug 12, 2011

Unveiling a new 6-Step pathway to free ourselves from the shackles of the national debt system.

JW n FL's picture

Repost all credit to the original Poster! and Thanks for posting great info! Love the Profits Chart! from CBO (Congressional Budget Office)


Reposted all credit to the wonderful person whom shared it! and Many Thanks for Sharing!!


knukles's picture

Am I talkin' to me? Am I talkin' to me?  I better be talkin to me 'cause I'm the only one in the room.

StychoKiller's picture

That brings up an interesting question:  If two or more "people" select the same avatar and moniker, is there any way for anyone posting here to know that such schizo behavior is going on?

JW n FL's picture

Transitory! Head Winds!!

Buy The Fucking Dip!!

Id fight Gandhi's picture

I was thinking gymkata (that cheesy martial arts movie)

Hedgetard55's picture

How is it financials get smashed (MS down 7%) and DOW finishes up over a hundred points?

Esso's picture

Seasonal "adjustments."

knukles's picture

Transitory seasonal adjustments.

Fazzie's picture

Same reason the RUT didnt lead, Black Monday Redux "Blame the Spectulators" coming soon to a casino exchange near you.

Cleanclog's picture

So credit markets lead.  If so, are these low rates signaling 1) no worries, buy stocks, low credit demand or 2) alarm, siren, red alert, trouble ahead, bankruptcies coming, sell stocks?

Nope.  It's Fed manipulation, force investors to yield, hope for wealth effect, don't make borrowing costs any higher, more of the same, synthetics.

Arkadaba's picture

OMG possibilities are endless - bucket, suck it .....

PulauHantu29's picture
Real Homes of Genius – The bubble city of Santa Monica. When shadow inventory dominates prime cities and foreclosures still sell for $739,000 and are listed with 935 square feet.


From Dr Housing Bubble....the Doctor knows.

<<Now these cities in the Westside of Los Angeles are clearly in bubbles.  I hear the argument that people are still buying so therefore there is no bubble.  A bubble is not defined by how many suckers continue to perpetuate the game.  A bubble is defined by unreasonable prices driven by mania and not underlying economic valuations and fundamentals.  Bubbles by definition pop. >>

grunk's picture

The Bernank's horse pulled up lame (Timmy cut its tendon).

Shot the nag and sent it to the glue factory (the horse).

BOA horse pulling up the rear but the house paid off anyway.

slewie the pi-rat's picture

bob_dabolina was heavy heavy on Eating Peas

i liked Cash BiCheZ and my dad thought Long Bond had a chance so we boxed an exacta together and both horses were late scratches.  we thought Family Values might be entered instead, but the trainer decided to hold him in the barn for another week

Initial Margin Call looked pretty good here, dropping down after a layoff and some breezy works.  people didn't think the Crimex Barn would open him up, here, but he closed like a mofo, proving that class beats speed, one more time

tj3's picture

I get tired of reading 95% of the comments looking for that which makes a comment section worthwhile but it's good to see the commenter that gets it right. Nice slewie.

Arkadaba's picture

My first response was go fuck off. After careful consideration however, my second response is .... go fuck off.

Drag Racer's picture

race is not over till Sept. 30... fiscal year bitchez

sitenine's picture

Humor is appreciated. Thank you TD.

OT: any updates on the Jefferson County fun?

knukles's picture

I love it when all the fiscal years come together. 

Arkadaba's picture

Is this the same Jefferson county that GS kind of screwed over? Aka


Cursive's picture


If I didn't laugh, I'd be crying.  On another note, I think I'll watch "Brazil" again tonight.  Lots of laughs (thank you, Terry Gilliam) there, too.

docmac324's picture

See, all fixed.  In less than 1 week, the can has been kicked to September, and the markets finished up for the week.  Great country isn't it?



Fazzie's picture

  Remember the good ol days when the can kickings lasted a whole fiscal year instead of till the next bill was due? That was when, oh yeah way back in 09 and 10, dang the years go by!  it seems like only yesterday.