Friday Afternoon Humor: "Welcome To The Final Stretch..."

Tyler Durden's picture

From TheLFB

“Welcome to The Final Stretch, broadcasting live from beautiful Financial Park; home to the exuberant commentary. You join us now as we to go in today’s financial Gymkhana……And They’re Off!!!

  • With a few minutes to go the pace is quickening even though 80% of the world’s financial markets are already closed.
  • Tension mounts as the field moves past Against The Clock.
  • We have trainers with us waiting to cast their opinions, some of who do not even have a horse in the race but who are more than willing to tell us how it should be run.
  • Still no comments on why and Mutual Fund Losses and Massive Redemptions were withdrawn.
  • Low Volume Ramps and Intra-day Drops were placed as favorites ahead of the session, which did not please the punters.
  • As we head into the close it has to be noted that NYMEX is no longer in the field, which eliminates Bullish Bullion and Weak Oil.
  • Initial Margin Call looks to have very few supporters in the stand, but may once again surprise a lot of people at the close.
  • Volatility Index is coming around the outside rail. Market Leader is at the rear.
  • Apple just put its nose in front, unimpeded by ECB jostling for position, and Increasing Vix making an unexplained move.
  • Ohhhhh, we have a faller; we will get a reporter straight over there.
  • It looks as though Breaking Headlines cut across Slow and Steady, and in the carnage that followed Retail Trader was left in the dust. 
  • Risk Exposure pushes to the front leaving Shut The Front Door and OMG trailing at the back.
  • Twitter is putting in a burst to get past Breaking Headlines who is still battling hard with Slow and Steady.
  • The ECB has dropped backwards as the weight of carrying The PIGGS looks overbearing.
  • Ohhhhh, but look at this, just as things were settling down a move by Tele-Prompter has sent the whole field backwards.
  • Eating Peas and Suck It Up did not react well to that move, and we may see a stewards inquiry into why that happened at this stage of proceedings.
  • Treasury Yields has collapsed and is staying down after Bond Values muscled past with little effort.
  • Credit Default Swaps has ignored the moves by S&P Ratings and kept a great pace, while all of the time aware that California Munis are on their tail.
  • Martha's Vineyard and The Nineteenth Hole look a long way off right now, but moves at the rear by Airforce One may be enough to get them through.
  • At the closing bell Initial Margin Call takes it from Credit Default Swaps, who got in by a nose over How Do I Explain This, which pushes out What's All The Noise to finish in 4th place. The Bernanke Put finishes last.

Coverage of the next race from Asia will include a battle between Currency Exchange, Liquid Assets, and 24-Hour Commodities. Details to follow......"