This page has been archived and commenting is disabled.

Friday Afternoon Humor: "Welcome To The Final Stretch..."

Tyler Durden's picture


From TheLFB

“Welcome to The Final Stretch, broadcasting live from beautiful Financial Park; home to the exuberant commentary. You join us now as we to go in today’s financial Gymkhana……And They’re Off!!!

  • With a few minutes to go the pace is quickening even though 80% of the world’s financial markets are already closed.
  • Tension mounts as the field moves past Against The Clock.
  • We have trainers with us waiting to cast their opinions, some of who do not even have a horse in the race but who are more than willing to tell us how it should be run.
  • Still no comments on why and Mutual Fund Losses and Massive Redemptions were withdrawn.
  • Low Volume Ramps and Intra-day Drops were placed as favorites ahead of the session, which did not please the punters.
  • As we head into the close it has to be noted that NYMEX is no longer in the field, which eliminates Bullish Bullion and Weak Oil.
  • Initial Margin Call looks to have very few supporters in the stand, but may once again surprise a lot of people at the close.
  • Volatility Index is coming around the outside rail. Market Leader is at the rear.
  • Apple just put its nose in front, unimpeded by ECB jostling for position, and Increasing Vix making an unexplained move.
  • Ohhhhh, we have a faller; we will get a reporter straight over there.
  • It looks as though Breaking Headlines cut across Slow and Steady, and in the carnage that followed Retail Trader was left in the dust. 
  • Risk Exposure pushes to the front leaving Shut The Front Door and OMG trailing at the back.
  • Twitter is putting in a burst to get past Breaking Headlines who is still battling hard with Slow and Steady.
  • The ECB has dropped backwards as the weight of carrying The PIGGS looks overbearing.
  • Ohhhhh, but look at this, just as things were settling down a move by Tele-Prompter has sent the whole field backwards.
  • Eating Peas and Suck It Up did not react well to that move, and we may see a stewards inquiry into why that happened at this stage of proceedings.
  • Treasury Yields has collapsed and is staying down after Bond Values muscled past with little effort.
  • Credit Default Swaps has ignored the moves by S&P Ratings and kept a great pace, while all of the time aware that California Munis are on their tail.
  • Martha's Vineyard and The Nineteenth Hole look a long way off right now, but moves at the rear by Airforce One may be enough to get them through.
  • At the closing bell Initial Margin Call takes it from Credit Default Swaps, who got in by a nose over How Do I Explain This, which pushes out What's All The Noise to finish in 4th place. The Bernanke Put finishes last.

Coverage of the next race from Asia will include a battle between Currency Exchange, Liquid Assets, and 24-Hour Commodities. Details to follow......"


- advertisements -

Comment viewing options

Select your preferred way to display the comments and click "Save settings" to activate your changes.
Fri, 08/12/2011 - 16:39 | Link to Comment SheepDog-One
SheepDog-One's picture

Bernanke Put came in last? Oh man that was the key to my trifecta. 

Fri, 08/12/2011 - 16:40 | Link to Comment hedgeless_horseman
hedgeless_horseman's picture

Quit looking at my'll blow the odds.

Fri, 08/12/2011 - 19:29 | Link to Comment Arkadaba
Arkadaba's picture

Stop looking at my pics! Jeez.

Fri, 08/12/2011 - 20:43 | Link to Comment spiral_eyes
spiral_eyes's picture

sorry tyler but for me the ultimate humour today is krugman saying we need more inflation: 

what the heck is he smoking? 

Fri, 08/12/2011 - 21:51 | Link to Comment delacroix
delacroix's picture

I'm sure it's circumsized

Fri, 08/12/2011 - 16:39 | Link to Comment hedgeless_horseman
hedgeless_horseman's picture

The Bernanke Put finishes last.

I lose, again.

Fri, 08/12/2011 - 16:45 | Link to Comment JW n FL
JW n FL's picture

short oil and gold on the upside.. and you will make money all day long!

dont fight the FED!

FED approved Shorts!

1. Oil

2. Gold

or just buy the fucking dip(s)!

Sat, 08/13/2011 - 11:24 | Link to Comment DeadFred
DeadFred's picture

The story behind that horse is quite sad. The Bernanke Put was a promising horse but a bit to frisky, so his owner decided to make him a gelding. Instead of improving the horse's racing what ensued was a string of last place finishes. Any good horse pyschologist could have predicted it. As soon as the announcer would say "They're off!" poor The Bernanke Put would fall deep into depression.

Fri, 08/12/2011 - 16:40 | Link to Comment Henry Chinaski
Henry Chinaski's picture

I wonder what the surprise announcement will be tonight?

Fri, 08/12/2011 - 16:47 | Link to Comment Gert_B_Frobe
Gert_B_Frobe's picture

Obama awards the "Teflon Pardon Sports Jacket" to the Bern and the Geith (and the Hold, for good measure) 16 months early.

Fri, 08/12/2011 - 16:58 | Link to Comment Kali
Kali's picture

It's gotta be a biggie.  I was surprised today that things were so quiet and calm after all the fireworks this week.  Doesn't feel right.

Fri, 08/12/2011 - 17:10 | Link to Comment StormShadow
StormShadow's picture

Barney Frank threatens to release the sex tape of him with the Bernank (Timmay was cinematographer)

Fri, 08/12/2011 - 17:22 | Link to Comment PhattyBuoy
PhattyBuoy's picture

Filmed on location - "moves at the rear by Airforce One may be enough to get them through".

Fri, 08/12/2011 - 18:14 | Link to Comment sabra1
sabra1's picture

don't forget janet napolitano! all went well until it disrobed! "i, i thought you were a man!" barney exclaimed!

Fri, 08/12/2011 - 19:38 | Link to Comment knukles
knukles's picture

barney thought baloon;

               Dude!  My ass who cares!  This is too fucked up twisted to be passed.  Maybe there is a penal gland somewhere under the folds.  Maybe theres a penal gland somewhere under the folds.  Maybe theres a penal ...

Fri, 08/12/2011 - 16:40 | Link to Comment JW n FL
JW n FL's picture

Uploaded by bstill3 on Aug 12, 2011

Unveiling a new 6-Step pathway to free ourselves from the shackles of the national debt system.

Fri, 08/12/2011 - 16:43 | Link to Comment JW n FL
JW n FL's picture

Repost all credit to the original Poster! and Thanks for posting great info! Love the Profits Chart! from CBO (Congressional Budget Office)


Reposted all credit to the wonderful person whom shared it! and Many Thanks for Sharing!!


Fri, 08/12/2011 - 19:40 | Link to Comment knukles
knukles's picture

Am I talkin' to me? Am I talkin' to me?  I better be talkin to me 'cause I'm the only one in the room.

Sat, 08/13/2011 - 03:35 | Link to Comment StychoKiller
StychoKiller's picture

That brings up an interesting question:  If two or more "people" select the same avatar and moniker, is there any way for anyone posting here to know that such schizo behavior is going on?

Fri, 08/12/2011 - 16:41 | Link to Comment caerus
caerus's picture


Fri, 08/12/2011 - 16:43 | Link to Comment JW n FL
JW n FL's picture

Transitory! Head Winds!!

Buy The Fucking Dip!!

Fri, 08/12/2011 - 16:53 | Link to Comment caerus
caerus's picture


Fri, 08/12/2011 - 16:44 | Link to Comment Id fight Gandhi
Id fight Gandhi's picture

I was thinking gymkata (that cheesy martial arts movie)

Fri, 08/12/2011 - 17:06 | Link to Comment Toxicosis
Toxicosis's picture

That was a great movie, cheese and all!!

Fri, 08/12/2011 - 17:27 | Link to Comment caerus
Fri, 08/12/2011 - 17:28 | Link to Comment caerus
caerus's picture

also see...the last dragon

Fri, 08/12/2011 - 16:46 | Link to Comment Cult of Criminality
Cult of Criminality's picture


Fri, 08/12/2011 - 16:47 | Link to Comment Hedgetard55
Hedgetard55's picture

How is it financials get smashed (MS down 7%) and DOW finishes up over a hundred points?

Fri, 08/12/2011 - 18:13 | Link to Comment Esso
Esso's picture

Seasonal "adjustments."

Fri, 08/12/2011 - 19:41 | Link to Comment knukles
knukles's picture

Transitory seasonal adjustments.

Fri, 08/12/2011 - 19:21 | Link to Comment Fazzie
Fazzie's picture

Same reason the RUT didnt lead, Black Monday Redux "Blame the Spectulators" coming soon to a casino exchange near you.

Fri, 08/12/2011 - 16:49 | Link to Comment Misean
Fri, 08/12/2011 - 17:25 | Link to Comment bigdumbnugly
bigdumbnugly's picture

why i don't play the ponies no mo....

Fri, 08/12/2011 - 16:52 | Link to Comment Cleanclog
Cleanclog's picture

So credit markets lead.  If so, are these low rates signaling 1) no worries, buy stocks, low credit demand or 2) alarm, siren, red alert, trouble ahead, bankruptcies coming, sell stocks?

Nope.  It's Fed manipulation, force investors to yield, hope for wealth effect, don't make borrowing costs any higher, more of the same, synthetics.

Fri, 08/12/2011 - 20:51 | Link to Comment Arkadaba
Arkadaba's picture

OMG possibilities are endless - bucket, suck it .....

Fri, 08/12/2011 - 17:56 | Link to Comment PulauHantu29
PulauHantu29's picture
Real Homes of Genius – The bubble city of Santa Monica. When shadow inventory dominates prime cities and foreclosures still sell for $739,000 and are listed with 935 square feet.


From Dr Housing Bubble....the Doctor knows.

<<Now these cities in the Westside of Los Angeles are clearly in bubbles.  I hear the argument that people are still buying so therefore there is no bubble.  A bubble is not defined by how many suckers continue to perpetuate the game.  A bubble is defined by unreasonable prices driven by mania and not underlying economic valuations and fundamentals.  Bubbles by definition pop. >>

Fri, 08/12/2011 - 16:58 | Link to Comment grunk
grunk's picture

The Bernank's horse pulled up lame (Timmy cut its tendon).

Shot the nag and sent it to the glue factory (the horse).

BOA horse pulling up the rear but the house paid off anyway.

Fri, 08/12/2011 - 17:05 | Link to Comment slewie the pi-rat
slewie the pi-rat's picture

bob_dabolina was heavy heavy on Eating Peas

i liked Cash BiCheZ and my dad thought Long Bond had a chance so we boxed an exacta together and both horses were late scratches.  we thought Family Values might be entered instead, but the trainer decided to hold him in the barn for another week

Initial Margin Call looked pretty good here, dropping down after a layoff and some breezy works.  people didn't think the Crimex Barn would open him up, here, but he closed like a mofo, proving that class beats speed, one more time

Fri, 08/12/2011 - 18:52 | Link to Comment Eally Ucked
Eally Ucked's picture

Bravo!!!! Excelent.

Fri, 08/12/2011 - 19:30 | Link to Comment tj3
tj3's picture

I get tired of reading 95% of the comments looking for that which makes a comment section worthwhile but it's good to see the commenter that gets it right. Nice slewie.

Fri, 08/12/2011 - 20:26 | Link to Comment Arkadaba
Arkadaba's picture

My first response was go fuck off. After careful consideration however, my second response is .... go fuck off.

Fri, 08/12/2011 - 17:10 | Link to Comment Drag Racer
Drag Racer's picture

race is not over till Sept. 30... fiscal year bitchez

Fri, 08/12/2011 - 17:13 | Link to Comment sitenine
sitenine's picture

Humor is appreciated. Thank you TD.

OT: any updates on the Jefferson County fun?

Fri, 08/12/2011 - 17:22 | Link to Comment Tyler Durden
Tyler Durden's picture

Can kicked to september.

Fri, 08/12/2011 - 19:45 | Link to Comment knukles
knukles's picture

I love it when all the fiscal years come together. 

Fri, 08/12/2011 - 20:29 | Link to Comment Arkadaba
Arkadaba's picture

Is this the same Jefferson county that GS kind of screwed over? Aka


Fri, 08/12/2011 - 19:48 | Link to Comment Cursive
Cursive's picture


If I didn't laugh, I'd be crying.  On another note, I think I'll watch "Brazil" again tonight.  Lots of laughs (thank you, Terry Gilliam) there, too.

Fri, 08/12/2011 - 17:25 | Link to Comment docmac324
docmac324's picture

See, all fixed.  In less than 1 week, the can has been kicked to September, and the markets finished up for the week.  Great country isn't it?



Fri, 08/12/2011 - 19:27 | Link to Comment Fazzie
Fazzie's picture

  Remember the good ol days when the can kickings lasted a whole fiscal year instead of till the next bill was due? That was when, oh yeah way back in 09 and 10, dang the years go by!  it seems like only yesterday.

Fri, 08/12/2011 - 17:46 | Link to Comment rosiescenario
rosiescenario's picture The Middle Class is headed off to the knacker....

Fri, 08/12/2011 - 19:27 | Link to Comment Rollerball
Rollerball's picture

Meanwhile, "Peeping Tom" "Seize" "Usury" "Doggy" "Sty Lynn" "Jubilee" "By Default" "Out d'Pasteur" & "It Hurts So Good"   

Fri, 08/12/2011 - 19:15 | Link to Comment JimBobOMG
JimBobOMG's picture

Also next week: Gold makes a run Monday closing .2% below last week's high. Tuesday and Thursday are down days with an average loss of 18%. The next 3 months are spent consolidating.

No news here people move along.

Fri, 08/12/2011 - 19:15 | Link to Comment GCT
GCT's picture

ROFLMAO Yahoo took the article off already as it was ugly in the forums.  The title was.  Market rebounds and moves upward and is only down 1% !

I was like ok who is the dumbass that typed that title!

Fri, 08/12/2011 - 23:36 | Link to Comment TwelfthVulture
TwelfthVulture's picture

I swear lately it seems like the headlines are written a month in advance.  Then they squeeze and spin the article to try and fit the prerecorded headline.

Fri, 08/12/2011 - 19:29 | Link to Comment Fazzie
Fazzie's picture

"Hope and Change" was 45 minutes late to the starting gate.

Fri, 08/12/2011 - 20:55 | Link to Comment Whoa Dammit
Whoa Dammit's picture


Does this mean the markets are "broken in a stable way" like the Japanese government says about Fukushima?

Fri, 08/12/2011 - 21:19 | Link to Comment Tunga
Tunga's picture

 Hypersonic Air Force Drone in the fifth. 

Fri, 08/12/2011 - 21:20 | Link to Comment JW n FL
JW n FL's picture

is it just me??? or is everyone else suprised that the Air Force is off its 60%+ miss and maybe hitting targets 40% of the time!

20% improvement is a 20% improvement! I still think the Marines would rather NOT have any help from the Air Force, or so the guys on te ground would say.

I Loved the drone in the 5th! I had to say something!

Fri, 08/12/2011 - 22:25 | Link to Comment Arkadaba
Arkadaba's picture

Start up I was working for got sold to an American company and I didn't get asked to go along. I'm pretty happy to be back in Canada and think I want to stay here. This vid of my nephews first fly-in vacation kind of sums it up for me:


Fri, 08/12/2011 - 23:21 | Link to Comment ConfusedIdiot
ConfusedIdiot's picture

Thank you for the walleye catch. Would have been disappointed if the vid ended without a walleye.

regards CI.     PS lots of Canadians live part time here in Mex in San Miguel... one thing they all miss? You guessed it...

Fri, 08/12/2011 - 23:40 | Link to Comment Arkadaba
Arkadaba's picture

This one is kind of fun too. She was so bored she started using whatever was on the boat - pepporoni, etc:

Sat, 08/13/2011 - 18:11 | Link to Comment Arkadaba
Arkadaba's picture

I'm just thankful it was a walleye - apparently there are some big old pike in that lake which might have taken him overboard!

Spent some time in San Miguel years ago - the expat community is still strong there?

As to your question - I'm guessing not snow.

Sat, 08/13/2011 - 01:51 | Link to Comment Jovil
Jovil's picture

Check the value of different investments and gold using the John Exter's Inverted Pyramid of assets.

Sat, 08/13/2011 - 10:35 | Link to Comment apberusdisvet
apberusdisvet's picture

Paint the Tape scratched?

Sat, 08/13/2011 - 15:27 | Link to Comment snowball777
snowball777's picture

I'd like an each way double on Black Swan, please.

Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!