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Friday Humor: 1-800-UGLY

Tyler Durden's picture


"This time it's different" and "Ugly is contained"

h/t Nick Colas


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Fri, 09/21/2012 - 13:15 | 2818503 slaughterer
slaughterer's picture

I BUY UGLY assets: 1-800-BERNANK

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 13:16 | 2818512 redpill
redpill's picture

I buy UGLY prostitutes: 1-800-555-4DSK


Fri, 09/21/2012 - 13:23 | 2818532 BKbroiler
BKbroiler's picture

I buy clunkers - 1 - 800 - THE - BIG - O

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 13:27 | 2818552 PiratePawpaw
PiratePawpaw's picture

I buy barbarous relics. 867-5309

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 13:37 | 2818593 crusty curmudgeon
crusty curmudgeon's picture

Oh, man.  Now I've got that song stuck in my head.

“Most people can't think, most of the remainder won't think, the small fraction who do think mostly can't do it very well. The extremely tiny fraction who think regularly, accurately, creatively, and without self-delusion – in the long run, these are the only people who count.” Robert Heinlein

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 13:42 | 2818621 Manthong
Manthong's picture

Never thought it would come to this.. Ben working street corners..

and he could have been somebody,

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 14:06 | 2818713 Sofa King Confused
Sofa King Confused's picture

I Buy Mature Women.... 1-800-YOMILFS

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 14:11 | 2818736 eatthebanksters
eatthebanksters's picture

The Bernank only buys ugly from his budies at the TBTF banks....that way main street pays for the uglies and the banksters get to keep the 'babes'.

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 14:20 | 2818751 cranky-old-geezer
cranky-old-geezer's picture



I give great deals on trade-ins, BR-549, ask for Junior Samples.

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 14:30 | 2818828 Anusocracy
Anusocracy's picture

I buy everything government says.... 1-800-DUMYANK

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 13:52 | 2818652 DCFusor
DCFusor's picture

+1 just for knowing Heinlein.  Dirty old man, but a great conservative thinker.

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 16:14 | 2819157 blunderdog
blunderdog's picture

Heinlein was pretty "gay friendly" for a conservative...he was big on State power, though.

Ever read his essays about how to protect us against the Soviet nuke menace?  He suggested forcibly migrating urban residents to disperse the population and make us more resistant to missile attack.

How would people be migrated?  The Marines would do door-to-door sweeps.  Heh.

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 14:56 | 2818937 gmj
gmj's picture

That reminds me of this:

"I think there's only so many people that can take care of themselves, and can take care of other people. And the rest of the people … they're useful in terms of compost for the whole planet, you know."

Bill Murray,

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 14:42 | 2818881 MillionDollarBogus_
MillionDollarBogus_'s picture

I buy Vote Up's (green arrows).....

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 16:41 | 2819237 Anglo Hondo
Anglo Hondo's picture



Fri, 09/21/2012 - 17:59 | 2819406 eatthebanksters
eatthebanksters's picture

MDB, I would love to be a fly on the wall of some bar where you're cocktailing with some numbnuts and winding them up...are you as good in person as you are on paper?

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 15:24 | 2819027 Canuckistan Al
Canuckistan Al's picture

Hey Jenny, Is it YOU, that I turn to? I see you are "STACKED"

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 13:27 | 2818553 hidingfromhelis
hidingfromhelis's picture

I buy politicians.  1 - 800 - WER - TBTF.

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 13:39 | 2818603 FoxMulder
FoxMulder's picture

You didn't buy that. 1-800-SMBDY-LS

Sat, 09/22/2012 - 13:34 | 2820498 Caggge
Caggge's picture


Fri, 09/21/2012 - 13:51 | 2818648 SmittyinLA
SmittyinLA's picture

Wasn't that a Bush program?

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 13:58 | 2818675 divide_by_zero
divide_by_zero's picture

Tempting, but July 2009

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 13:57 | 2818673 vast-dom
Fri, 09/21/2012 - 16:04 | 2819127 matrix2012
matrix2012's picture

The 21 facts about America's failing infrastructure listed by Michael Snyder are just unbelievable....

He further said:

So where did we go wrong?

Well, one of the big problems is that we have become a very materialistic society that is obsessed with short-term thinking.  Investing in infrastructure is something that has long-term benefits, but these days Americans tend to only be focused on what is happening right now and most politicians are only focused on the next election cycle.

Another major problem is that there is so much corruption and waste in our system these days. The government certainly spends more than enough money, but very little of that money is spent wisely.  A lot of the money that could be going toward rebuilding our infrastructure is being poured down the toilet instead.  For much more on this, please read my previous article entitled "16 Sickening Facts That Show How Members Of Congress And Federal Workers Are Living The High Life At Your Expense".

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 19:05 | 2819522 Umh
Umh's picture

Every year when the cities come up with budgets they ooh and ah about their new and improved wealth  destruction programs. They get the money by not fixing pipes, schools, roads, sidewalks, sewers, street signs, bridges... you know all the thinks that have to exist to make a place liveable. They then wonder why people move out of the cities.

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 13:30 | 2818560 Unprepared
Unprepared's picture

"The truth is that you ugly, not on the outside

But in the inside on the outside you frontin you lovely"

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 14:09 | 2818722 Skateboarder
Skateboarder's picture

Funny how they absolutely destroyed DSK's shit with one fell swoop. And then a few more surfaced to keep him in ignominy forevs. Gotta love dem elites.

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 22:35 | 2819774 CompassionateFascist
CompassionateFascist's picture

The satanic Jew-bankster destroyed himself. As will they all.

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 13:45 | 2818579 tawdzilla
tawdzilla's picture

I Buy Ugly/Bearded Central Bankers   800-TBTFAIL or 888-giantsquid

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 21:34 | 2819723 buckethead
buckethead's picture

After This, (the first comment by slaughterer) no other posts were necessary. Just green.

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 13:15 | 2818507 HedgeAccordingly
HedgeAccordingly's picture

Oh it is very different this time trust me -

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 13:26 | 2818538 kaiserhoff
kaiserhoff's picture

From the title, I thought this was a Maxine Waters thang.

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 13:24 | 2818544 max2205
max2205's picture

At the Bar, it's wise to GO UGLY EARLY

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 13:28 | 2818557 kaiserhoff
kaiserhoff's picture

A fellow professor's compliment to his gf:  You don't sweat much for a fat girl.

I shit you not.

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 13:44 | 2818612 lasvegaspersona
lasvegaspersona's picture


that was a line from Leave It To Beaver if my ancient brain is data retrieving correctly

though Answers attributes it to Hee Haw

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 13:51 | 2818650 kaiserhoff
kaiserhoff's picture

I didn't say it was original, dog breath.  I just said he was crazy enough to use it.

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 14:47 | 2818914 Agent P
Agent P's picture

It was Hee Haw (Junior and Lulu).

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 14:01 | 2818687 MachoMan
MachoMan's picture

If you go ugly early, you'd better leave with some meat because otherwise, you'll have substantially reduced your value to the rest of the pack (who are watching to see if you'll hit on anything that moves).  I think it's a play it by ear sort of thing...  whatever the situation demands...  if there is a modeling convention going on, then might want to wait til last call to go find one that'll be guarding a bridge the next day.

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 14:44 | 2818895 hidingfromhelis
hidingfromhelis's picture

A "two" at ten is a "ten" at two.

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 14:51 | 2818922 Agent P
Agent P's picture

All the girls are pretty at the end of the night.  But just remember what Jeff Daniels says in his song, "You can drink an ugly girl pretty, but you can't drink a fat girl thin."

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 16:17 | 2819163 matrix2012
matrix2012's picture


@ HedgeAccordingly

The Mediterranean sluts are much more desirable than the one posted in your above link!!

Check them here :-)> LoL


Fri, 09/21/2012 - 16:46 | 2819257 Ima anal sphincter
Ima anal sphincter's picture

Well.....THAT brightened my day.

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 13:16 | 2818508 Flakmeister
Flakmeister's picture

Ugly is as Ugly does....

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 13:20 | 2818509 Yen Cross
Yen Cross's picture

I think you mean 1-806-ugly. [ F-UGLY]

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 13:16 | 2818510 Long-John-Silver
Long-John-Silver's picture

I wonder if he pays for ugly houses in beautiful Gold?

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 14:45 | 2818902 AGuy
AGuy's picture

Sure! Gold plated tungsten.

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 13:20 | 2818511 francis_sawyer
francis_sawyer's picture

So has Minnesota become the latest capital of "UGLY"?

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 13:49 | 2818641 Intoxicologist
Intoxicologist's picture

Yes.  I've seen similar billboards on I35, though they're not done with a Sharpie.

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 13:53 | 2818656 Argonaught
Argonaught's picture

This group has been in operation in Minneapolis and Milwaukee for some time now (since before the last bubble).  I guess it is possible it is multiple groups, but the seems an unlikely co-incidence.

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 15:07 | 2818973 MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

TN too. My son and I laughed at one of these signs on the road two weeks ago.

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 15:19 | 2819012 Blano
Blano's picture

They've popped back up on I-30 here in Dallas too.

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 18:25 | 2819455 Manipuflation
Manipuflation's picture

Depends where in MN.  North Minneapolis is a shithole.  The midway between the TC downtowns is mostly a shithole.  Duluth has a few decent parts but is mostly a shithole.  East St Cloud is a shithole.  Anyone who has lived in MN for very long knows exactly what I am talking about.

Sat, 09/22/2012 - 09:46 | 2820064 northerngirl
northerngirl's picture

LOL!  In the category of ULGY, Minnesota has so much more to offer.

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 13:17 | 2818517 WALLST8MY8BALL
WALLST8MY8BALL's picture

The Exies "Ugly"

Are you ugly?
A liar like me?
A user, a lost soul?
Someone you don’t know
Money it’s no cure
A Sickness so pure
Are you like me?
Are you ugly?

We are dirt, we are alone
You know we're far from sober!
We are fake, we are afraid
You know it’s far from over
We are dirt we are alone
You know we're far from sober!
Look closer, are you like me?
Are you ugly?

Turn a blind eye
Why do I deny?
Medicate me
So I die Happy
A strain of cancer
Chokes the answers
Are you like me?
A liar like me?

We are dirt, we are alone
You know we're far from sober!
We are fake, we are afraid
You know it’s far from over
We are dirt we are alone
You know we're far from sober!
Look closer, are you like me?
Are you ugly?

I don’t care, you don’t care
I’m bitter, you’re angry.
You don’t care, I don’t care
You love you, just like me
I blame you, you blame me
I’m bitter, you’re angry.
You don’t care, I don’t care
You love you, like me

We are dirt, we are alone
You know we're far from sober!
We are fake, we are afraid
You know it’s far from over
We are dirt we are alone
You know we're far from sober!
Look closer, are you like me?
Are you ugly?

Are you Ugly?


Fri, 09/21/2012 - 13:18 | 2818518 Dr. No
Dr. No's picture

Minneapolis, Jim in MN, is that you?

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 18:06 | 2819417 Manipuflation
Manipuflation's picture

612 is more St Paul.  952 and 763 more common in Minneapolis.

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 13:17 | 2818519 Atlantis Consigliore
Atlantis Consigliore's picture

new program securitize it;  Fraudi May I Fraui Mack you, 

get the street walking realtors out,  securitize repo 5 million homes

into rentals,  with no rent caps:  $ 8 Billion in capital ready to buy.

if you Repo it,  they will come.



Fri, 09/21/2012 - 13:21 | 2818526 theriddick
theriddick's picture

I bang ugly coyotes....

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 13:30 | 2818569 kaiserhoff
kaiserhoff's picture

Careful theriddick, Bennie has dibs on blowing goats.

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 13:58 | 2818676 SmittyinLA
SmittyinLA's picture

Why did I visualize Barney Frank when you said "blowing goats"? 


Try and un-visualize that thought

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 15:24 | 2819023 MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

Trailing thin threads of spittle, his lips tremble and awkwardly part in strained, herky-jerk spasms. As he crouches down to receive the small swollen member, he licks his lips, his desire is palpable...

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 15:40 | 2819076 Saro
Saro's picture

I'm pretty sure your post would constitute domestic terrorism in any reasonable US court of law.

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 13:21 | 2818527 Jason T
Fri, 09/21/2012 - 13:23 | 2818540 azzhatter
azzhatter's picture

ibuyshit- call me, Signed Bennie Bernanke AKA Corrupt Cocksucker

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 13:26 | 2818549 Downtoolong
Downtoolong's picture

Shit, why didn't someone tell me the way to get my condo sold is to take off all the shutters and trim, rip up the sidewalk and landscaping, and paint a picture of Alan Greenspan on the front door?  

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 13:28 | 2818561 azzhatter
azzhatter's picture

you are now eligilble for govt assistance, congrats

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 13:28 | 2818563 Pairadimes
Pairadimes's picture

You'd think with all that fiat that the Fed could produce better looking signs.

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 13:32 | 2818574 bugs_
bugs_'s picture

beat me by two minutes - its a high frequency comment world

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 13:48 | 2818636 hidingfromhelis
hidingfromhelis's picture

Therein lies the problem.  A dollar just doesn't go as far as it used to.

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 13:30 | 2818567 bugs_
bugs_'s picture

Can't the Fed afford to put up better signs than that?

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 13:30 | 2818570 unrulian
unrulian's picture

someone should call the guy 612 208 8459

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 13:38 | 2818600 pods
pods's picture

I am still trying 867-5309.


Fri, 09/21/2012 - 13:43 | 2818623 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

Jennys' changed her number.

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 13:40 | 2818608 exi1ed0ne
exi1ed0ne's picture


"Hi, this is Ben.  I was wondering if you'd be interested in an employment opportunity.  We could use some entrepreneurial spirit like that on our team!"

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 13:33 | 2818578 SanOvaBeach
SanOvaBeach's picture

I fuck ugly women (someone gotta DO IT) and buy ugly boats.

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 13:35 | 2818586 bania
bania's picture

Some snuggly house, huh? It's breathtaking.

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 13:40 | 2818588 WhiteNight123129
WhiteNight123129's picture

Bernanke Did it, Evil Genious bastard (I have a lot of respect for your fainted printing craziness. I love those guys...!!!)

Here it is, market is pushing down the long bond slowly, helping put pressure on the guys hoarding they cash (Corporations and Rich). Spend you motherfucker bastards, the Market and Bernanke have their guns pointed on your cash.




Fri, 09/21/2012 - 13:39 | 2818601 Raymond Reason
Raymond Reason's picture

That is really shallow.  A house should be appreciated for its personality, not its appearance. 

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 13:42 | 2818617 exi1ed0ne
exi1ed0ne's picture

And it had better have cab money for the ride home in the morning.

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 13:40 | 2818606 ShorTed
ShorTed's picture

You didn't buy that! 

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 13:46 | 2818631 El Tuco
El Tuco's picture

Did someone say Ugly?

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 13:50 | 2818644 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

They're all good looking at closing's what you wake up to that's a bitch.

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 14:43 | 2818892 MachoMan
MachoMan's picture

They're not all good looking at closing time...  but a beggar can't be a chooser at that point.  Bang her in the car and drop her off at her house.  Don't let your neighbors see her do the walk of shame...  less chance to bang any decent looking neighbors that way.

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 13:50 | 2818645 Darth Mul
Darth Mul's picture



That Iran is minutes away from having a nuclear weapon.


Israel may have to set off a nuke in the US and blame the Iranians to get us to see the light sooner and go to war for Greater Israel again.

The resistance is based not on hate, or on fear, but on amassing and spreading the evidence.

Israel did 9/11

If this fact does not become more widely known, no snarky comments about whatever nonsense the private federal fractional reserve fiat lending cartel does it is just a fucking distraction.



Fri, 09/21/2012 - 14:13 | 2818749 richard in norway
richard in norway's picture

it could be that the isralies did 9/11 but i wouldnt trust an iranian scource on that same as i wouldnt trust an israli scource on irans nukes program

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 14:30 | 2818826 Magnum
Magnum's picture

The article was written by Kevin Barrett a university professor from Wisconsin.

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 16:02 | 2819122 Thisson
Thisson's picture

Israel became a state in the '40s.  Isn't it about time that you idiots got over it already?  That "professor" is clearly a nutjob, and so are people that read "Zionist" drivel.

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 17:37 | 2819366 Darth Mul
Darth Mul's picture

What are you on about?  Who argued anything about the existence of the state of Israel per se.  I'm talking about the overwhelming evidence that its intelligence agancy, and elements of our own government [in the DoD, in the Pentagon's Office of Special Plans] were involved in planning and 'running' 9/11.


It's not 'not true' because it involves Jews or Israel, nor does the evidence become bad because antisemites believe it without evidence.


Speaking of - as the IQ test crow flies, odds are I'm significantly less of an idiot than you.  Flinging the Hitler Card about rather than actually looking at the info in the link provided isn't going to get you anywhere.


Think like a criminal detective, not an ethnocentric, hypocritical chump if you can manage it.  The people who ran the Arabs they pinned 9/11 on are bad for America and for Israel, too.  Basically, the Neocon/Likudnik/Talmudist Jewish element can hide in the open because people like you don't think - you have a Skinnerian cognitive response.


Clearly, we are talking a minority of Jews.  But we are talking a minority of Jews {let's say Ziocons} who were a major and possibly predominant element in the neocon movement.


The stereotype is Jews are smart.  Maybe they can cheat on a tax return, but as historians, strategists and philosophical thinkers, they are borderline morons - racist, Jewish supremacist criminals who should be strung up [along with the likes of your Cheneys and Bushes and Rumsfelds] before their creeping treason gets lots of Americans, Iranians and Israelis killed.


I'm not going to respect anyone who pretends neocon Jews didn't lie us into Iraq because they're too goddmaned obtuse to appreciate that isn't the same as saying Jews as such are all evil/dually loyal, etc.


But Doug Feith, Richard Perle, Cohen, Wurmser, Wolfowitz?


They are evil dangerous fucks and they can and should be referred to as such, and the truth of the pro-Israel/Likud/Talmudist elements of the neocon movement should not be hidden.


Hatahs gonna hate.


You should be on my side.


Do some reading, you silly twat.  Then see what you think.

To set the table... maybe look into the King David Hotel Bombing, The Lavon Affair, The Libyan Beacon, The USS Liberty Attack - and in fact the early history of Zionist Israel, which was founded on the terrorism and ethnic cleansing that has remained part of the state of Israel, even as it perpetually claims to be on the defensive and want peace as it builds Jewish only settlements and roads while destroying Arab homes in contravention of UN resolution and international law - and deflects criticism of its crimes by crying, stamping its feet and shouting 'ANTISEMITE' over and over and over again.






Sat, 09/22/2012 - 01:05 | 2819874 Joseph Jones
Joseph Jones's picture

Typical Judaic obfuscation and dissumulation: Talk about getting over something?  How many tax dollars must we spend building sacramental shrines honoring dead jews?  How many additions to the language to honor dead jews? "Anti-Semite", "holocaust", etc...

Speech and thought laws imprisoning so-called "holocaust deniers"?  Even the word "denier" denotes something incontrovertible.  This is hypocrisy coming from jews, who love to debate anything under the sun good/bad/indifferent, except if you deny the holocaust you must go to hell right now without delay. 

Why is any and every negative accusation against jews met with anti-Semite?  

Jews invented the holocaust to cover their murder of Christ, the worst crime in mankind's history.   

Sat, 09/22/2012 - 06:40 | 2819968 matrix2012
matrix2012's picture

@ Joseph Jones

"Jews invented the holocaust to cover their murder of Christ, the worst crime in mankind's history."

that's a different time frame, can't see why the two are related! LoL

What i do see is the Anti-Semite law is created to deter any Zio-criticism!!


Btw if you look for these strings you will find many interesting stories :D


to see the relationships among the three most powerful worldly subtle forces are really incredible!!!


Sat, 09/22/2012 - 00:58 | 2819870 Joseph Jones
Joseph Jones's picture

Who gained the most traction from murdering the USA Ambassador to Libya?  Israel gets to foment more Muslim hatred, of course. 

You bet your ass Israel would murder anyone, including Jews en masse, toward their geo-political goals. 

Fri, 09/21/2012 - 15:21 | 2819016 Bunga Bunga
Bunga Bunga's picture




Fri, 09/21/2012 - 19:56 | 2819287 BlackholeDivestment
BlackholeDivestment's picture

I Buy 3D Weapons And Ammo Printers 

...imagine if the NWO Great Wal Mart of China fascists can't contain this one. Can't wait for the Home Drone Anti Fed Printer. Lol.

Of course printing up Perfection would be nice, Lol. about the UK Germline NWO DNA restructed human that passes on to the next generation?  

Transgenerational Inheritance is now way beyond Fed Debt, lol.

Awe Rats Houston we may have a problem. <<Scary. bout a new kidney? 

Hey, lets print up some shit steak. 


Fri, 09/21/2012 - 18:37 | 2819472 Manipuflation
Manipuflation's picture

I called the number just for the hell of it and it goes straight to a prerecorded message.  Cash for your house in 48 hours is the claim made.  The guy's voice did not sound like he was from MN. I was going to offer to sell him all of Brooklyn Center for $2.83 cash, a pack smokes and a dimer of weed. 

Sat, 09/22/2012 - 00:29 | 2819853 boiltherich
boiltherich's picture

I read UGLY posts at ZH!

Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!