This page has been archived and commenting is disabled.

Friday Humor: Gold Is A Barbeque Relish

Tyler Durden's picture


Submitted by Mark McHugh of Across The Street,

My Doctor’s an idiot.  A few years ago, he started expressing concerns about my weight, pointing at this chart supposedly showing how much a man of my height should weigh.  One glance at his stupid chart and it was clear to me that he had completely misdiagnosed my condition.   There was nothing wrong with my weight, I just wasn’t tall enough.  Clearly I needed to grow my way out of this. So I went home and googled “how to stimulate growth.”  Once I got past the all the baldness cures and penis pumps (it’s not my bag, baby), I found hundreds of papers so incredibly boring I knew they had to be true.  In no time, I was able to design and implement my own stimulus plan based on the irrefutable scientificky principles of Nobel prize winners and other people so smart they never had to do an honest day’s work in their lives.  Despite the difficulty climbing stairs, I was feeling pretty good about things until my last check-up….

“Hi, Doc.”

“Hi,” he said, examining my file.  He looked up, “You’ve put on twenty pounds since the last time I saw you”

“Thanks for noticing,” I beamed.

He frowned.  “I remember now.  You’re the guy on the diet designed to make you grow.  What’s that called again?”

“The Keynesian Plan.”

“Is that the one where you eat bacon and cheese, but not vegetables?”

“No,” I replied, “But I have incorporated some elements of that plan” (I don’t like vegetables).

“And how’s this whole Keynesian thing working out?” he asked.

“I’ll admit I’m a little disappointed.  I’ve only grown and inch and a half so far, but..”

“No you haven’t,” he interrupted, pointing, “You’ve just got those stupid elevator wedges in your shoes to make you look taller.”

“They’re to get me acclimated to being taller.”

“Which you’re not,” he declared.  “I told you, you’re fully grown.  The only thing you’ve succeeded in doing is collapsing you arches and giving yourself  Type 2 Diabetes.”

“We Keynesians call things like that “unintended consequences” (I used finger-quotes to let him know it was a technical term).  And trust me, Doc, I’m no happier about them than you.  Can I see that height-weight chart of yours again?”

He handed me the chart. After a moment, I sighed, “Looks like I’ll have to do more QE.”


“Quantitative eating.  It’s how you stimulate growth, Doc.  It’s technical.”

“Oh,” he said.  “Because it sounds an awful lot like what we in the medical profession call “stuffing your fat face”  (giving me finger-quotes, but in a condescending, not-at-all-helpful kind of way).”

I tried to stay calm and empathize.  “Doc, it’s not your fault you haven’t been educated about Keynesian principles.  They only teach it at top-notch schools like M.I.T. and Harvard.  I don’t know about you, Doc, but I feel better knowing that no matter what happens on election day, the White House will be occupied by someone who attended Harvard.”

“As did the Unabomber,” he added.

“Still better than the bumblefuck medical school you went to!”  I snapped.

“Johns Hopkins?” he queried, thrusting his eyebrows up.

“John Hopkins.” I corrected (Friggin’ Idiot!)

“Tell me, how are you paying for all this stimulus?”

“Food Stamps…and my ex-wife’s credit card.”  (I just knew he wasn’t going to understand this part…)

He looked at me with a curious mixture of confusion and utter disgust.  “What….Does she even know?”

“I’m no Dr. Bernanke, but I know one of the most important aspects of Keynesian stimulus is sticking someone else with the bill. It works out better for everyone if the victim, er , stimulus provider is unaware.  She’ll be OK.  I’m going to make it all up to her.”

“Really?  How?” 

“Look at your damn chart, Doc!”  I bellowed.  “I’m going to be taller than Shaq when all this stimulus kicks in!  Can you say NBA contract?“

“No,” he said, unimpressed, “just over-sized casket.”

(I could tell he was about to launch into another one of his “austerity” sermons.  You know, “Consume less, do more, stop spending other people’s money, blah-blah-blah.”  Pinhead.  Obviously Dr. Quackenstein was beyond all hope.)

“No offense Doc, but I need help from people with a better understanding of these things.  Any chance you can refer me to the Mayo clinic?”

“Is that where the treat illness with mayonnaise?”

“Yes,” I said.

“No,” he said, and walked out.

As I sat down to rest in the lobby on the way back to my car, I remembered that the key ingredient to the Keynesian system is confidence and realized that what I was feeling, beside the tingling sensation in my left arm, was nothing more than the sting of rejection felt by true visionaries like Jon Corzine and the Octomom.

So if anyone asks, I’m at the grocery store.


- advertisements -

Comment viewing options

Select your preferred way to display the comments and click "Save settings" to activate your changes.
Fri, 08/31/2012 - 14:07 | Link to Comment Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance's picture

It makes it so much easier to examine (and then dismiss) our insanity when it comes dressed up as humor.

Nice piece Mark. Maybe next time.

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 14:12 | Link to Comment theXman
theXman's picture

He's joking about the foodstamps, he must be racist. 

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 14:44 | Link to Comment knukles
knukles's picture

Whoa!  He didn't say "Chicago"

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 14:46 | Link to Comment Colombian Gringo
Colombian Gringo's picture

Au 1690 Dec.

AG 31.24 Dec.


Suck it, Blythe Masters, drink it all!!

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 15:58 | Link to Comment strannick
strannick's picture

Anyone who looks at the silver-on-gold graph, and believes an industrial component drives silver, is on glue. What the silver physical market and industrials do have in common is that silver supply has been contracting with the less lead-zinc mining (70% of silver is mined as byproduct of lead-zinc mining, go SLW).

But of course the physical market has about as as much in common with COMEX silver, as silver does with live pork bellies

Anyone who believes two non manipulated assets can follow each other practically tick by tick is on glue.

Anyone who thinks the CFTC isnt on glue is on glue.

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 18:09 | Link to Comment FEDbuster
FEDbuster's picture

Robert Reich isn't laughing at this story.

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 18:39 | Link to Comment LMAOLORI
LMAOLORI's picture



A bunch of hit pieces on Gold lately

GOP: In Gold We Trust


Contrary to Rumor, Central Banking Is a Political Act

Mon, 09/03/2012 - 09:33 | Link to Comment Overflow-admin
Overflow-admin's picture

"Goldman School of Public Policy" wtf is that a jihad training camp???

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 15:25 | Link to Comment NoControl
NoControl's picture

You're assuming only minorities are on food-stmps, you must be racist.

I'm acknowledging there are minotities, I must be racist.


Fri, 08/31/2012 - 15:45 | Link to Comment strannick
strannick's picture

Your making assumptions about racism, racist. At least your acknowledging it.

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 18:02 | Link to Comment thatthingcanfly
thatthingcanfly's picture

He didn't assume that. Someone else assumed that for him.

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 19:12 | Link to Comment Titan Uranus
Titan Uranus's picture

If you misspell racist, you're racist...

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 14:14 | Link to Comment vast-dom
vast-dom's picture

gold and oil went up close to 2% each while NASDAQ went up a tick under .5% so far. So just the RUMOR brought us 4x inflation or a drop in inflated bullshit indices at 4x adjusted for inflation just on the day. So in order to justfy SP anywhere near 1400 we would have massive inflation = massive unemployment adjusted to net declining disposible income = we are so fucked...

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 14:27 | Link to Comment Xibalba
Xibalba's picture

yeah, but it's a transitory fucking.  just a couple generations.  

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 14:45 | Link to Comment knukles
knukles's picture

Or just ignore the S&P

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 14:05 | Link to Comment Nadaclue
Nadaclue's picture

The Awesome is strong in this one.

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 15:21 | Link to Comment mark mchugh
mark mchugh's picture

Thank you, Nada.

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 14:06 | Link to Comment LawsofPhysics
LawsofPhysics's picture

Until the moral hazard is addressed (blatant fraud and theft), possession creeps closer to becoming 100% of the law and nothing will change.

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 14:08 | Link to Comment Nihilarian
Nihilarian's picture


Fri, 08/31/2012 - 15:28 | Link to Comment mark mchugh
mark mchugh's picture

Thanks, Nihilarian.  (probably not true, but thanks).



Fri, 08/31/2012 - 15:41 | Link to Comment aka Gil
aka Gil's picture

If not brilliant, it was very clever. Best of all, it was quite humorous.

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 16:02 | Link to Comment knowless
knowless's picture

don't bother tearing yourself down, plenty of other people willing to do that for you i'm sure..


I didn't even register the barbeque relish/barbaric relic part until i was already writing this comment.


acknowledge something as it is received, take pride in work which others value.


i thought it was pretty funny.. at the least illustrative.

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 21:21 | Link to Comment mark mchugh
mark mchugh's picture

I do. 

The most influential thing I ever read in my life was a one page piece in the back of TIME magazine in the eighties entitled "Feeling Good about Doing Bad."  It was about how US kids, who scored the lowest on an international math test showed the highest positive response to the statement, "I am good at math."  Korean kids, who actually scored the highest, had the lowest percentage of positive response.  It was a powerful illustration of the value of humility and the pitfalls of conceit that I never want to forget.

It's right to acknowledge compliments, but I think it's also important to keep your ego in check.

I hope that makes sense.

Sat, 09/01/2012 - 08:48 | Link to Comment goldfish1
goldfish1's picture

How much math does one need anyway?


Mon, 09/03/2012 - 00:10 | Link to Comment monad
monad's picture

In order to defend yourself you really need enough algebra, business calculus and statistics to form a basic understanding of how the bankstertician class steals and lies. 2 years is more than adequate, if you apply yourself. If you hate math you can study law instead, but you still need enough math to not get ripped off. Fraudulent billing is the new normal.

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 14:09 | Link to Comment williambanzai7
williambanzai7's picture

Nice job Mark!

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 15:29 | Link to Comment mark mchugh
mark mchugh's picture

I'm very glad you liked it, William.

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 16:26 | Link to Comment Doubleguns
Doubleguns's picture

Wait.... I am confused. Does this mean Michele Obama is an Austrian. She is trying to get folks to eat less. Christ that must mean Michele is going to kick Baracks ass. Romneys gonna miss his chance.

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 14:10 | Link to Comment LongBalls
LongBalls's picture

Bravo. A piece written in a manner a child can understand. 

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 14:41 | Link to Comment mkhs
mkhs's picture

But what about a politician?

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 14:48 | Link to Comment knukles
knukles's picture
Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Texas) sponsors House Resolution to have Mercury (Hg) removed from Periodic Chart as a means of fighting pollution, global warming (sarc or not to sarc, that is no longer the question)
Fri, 08/31/2012 - 21:23 | Link to Comment mark mchugh
mark mchugh's picture

Thank you, LB.

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 14:11 | Link to Comment SafelyGraze
SafelyGraze's picture

the "keynesian diet" worked in the past, when we were children

that's why it's important to administer it to our own children

so they will grow to be big and strong

even if the diet doesn't seem to benefit us any more

it's for the kids

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 15:15 | Link to Comment nonclaim
nonclaim's picture

In other words keynesians are infantile cretins?

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 14:10 | Link to Comment Jason T
Jason T's picture

gold and gasoline ripping higher, wages declining, in some industries, going negative year over year like this one..

"Wage Deflation - Making Sure It Happens Here"

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 14:18 | Link to Comment SheepDog-One
SheepDog-One's picture

'Wage inflation appears to be fully contained'....WHEW thanks there Keynesians for a minute there I thought I was in danger of being weighed down by more money!

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 14:29 | Link to Comment fourchan
fourchan's picture



we will never have wage inflation (the only kind the fed looks at) because we have

exported all labors pricing power to the slave nations of china and india and the smaller even worse ones.

Sat, 09/01/2012 - 08:51 | Link to Comment goldfish1
goldfish1's picture

yes here we have wage deflation aka no jobs

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 14:11 | Link to Comment WALLST8MY8BALL
WALLST8MY8BALL's picture

Dr told me i had to get into shape, I said "Round is a shape!"

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 14:26 | Link to Comment Brazillionaire
Brazillionaire's picture

My doc told me I as a sick man, so I said I wanted a second opinion. So he said, "OK. you're ugly, too."

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 16:35 | Link to Comment LongBalls
LongBalls's picture

My doc told me he needed a stool sample, a urine sample, and a semen sample so I handed him my underwear.

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 17:00 | Link to Comment Peter Pan
Peter Pan's picture

The doctor told me I had cirhosis. I told him I wanted a second opinion. He told me the autopsy would confirm it.

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 20:31 | Link to Comment trichotil
trichotil's picture

the doc told me i had six months to live....


...i didnt pay him...


so he gave me another six months.

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 18:05 | Link to Comment thatthingcanfly
thatthingcanfly's picture

Bill Paxton, Predator 2.

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 14:11 | Link to Comment Id fight Gandhi
Id fight Gandhi's picture

Oh no, slender man!

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 14:11 | Link to Comment billsykes
billsykes's picture

And you have to come from the best schools in the world, get a steller GPA, pass your ethics at the CFA, network and beg, do rigourous case interviews, get shifted thru thousands of applicants, say all the right things and after 200k in debt and lost time you can work for us at 100k a yr doled out in 3k increments every 2 weeks (after tax) and work 80 hours a week for years while your youth and optimism dies then maybe if you are subservient enough you can make boneheaded desions that loose money too. 



Sat, 09/01/2012 - 08:53 | Link to Comment goldfish1
goldfish1's picture

that's what i'm talking about

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 14:12 | Link to Comment notadouche
notadouche's picture


Fri, 08/31/2012 - 14:16 | Link to Comment SheepDog-One
SheepDog-One's picture

Pretty funny really.....the most hillarious part is our 'learned elders' actually are the patient here and believe it all 100%!

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 14:16 | Link to Comment Toolshed
Toolshed's picture

This is the funniest, and at the same time saddest, shit I have ever read. And now......I am hungry!!! Off to the Mayo Clinic branch down the street.

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 14:18 | Link to Comment Id fight Gandhi
Id fight Gandhi's picture

Mmmm... Mayo

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 14:17 | Link to Comment Dagny Taggart
Dagny Taggart's picture

Great post Mark... from the guy who actually made funny muppet jokes.

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 14:35 | Link to Comment Seorse Gorog fr...
Seorse Gorog from that Quantum Entanglement Fund. alright_.-'s picture

You're saying my Commodore 64 is out of date?!

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 14:42 | Link to Comment Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance's picture

Send it to the Fed. They can wire it up in series with the main printer to increase output 10 fold.........which the BLS will promptly count as positive in its next revision of its prior revision of the last revision that was subsequently revised.

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 14:35 | Link to Comment Zap Powerz
Zap Powerz's picture


Fri, 08/31/2012 - 14:21 | Link to Comment tnquake
tnquake's picture


Fri, 08/31/2012 - 18:47 | Link to Comment stocktivity
stocktivity's picture

mnnn....lettuce with low fat dressing...Oh wait...I'm American....extra cheese on that Whopper please.

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 14:35 | Link to Comment SheepDog-One
SheepDog-One's picture

Only argument I have is the 'austerity' part.....the austerity theyre talking about certanly would not curtail the amount of Kobe beef and Lobster Thermadore sliding down the gaping maws of banksters and other Keynesians.

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 14:25 | Link to Comment fuu
fuu's picture

<golf clap>

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 14:28 | Link to Comment Brazillionaire
Brazillionaire's picture

At my last check-up, my doctor told me I needed to stop masturbating. When I asked him why, he said, "You're distracting me."

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 17:20 | Link to Comment Peter Pan
Peter Pan's picture

Man with a yellow penis goes to his doctor. Doctor asks him whether he is a painter, works in a dye factory or if he works for a chemical plant. The answer is no, no, no,

The doctor then asks what work he does.
He replies, "nothing, I am unemployed"
The doctor then asks what he does all day.
The patient replies, "nothing, I just sit at home all day eating cheese puffs and watching porn."

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 19:05 | Link to Comment stocktivity
stocktivity's picture

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says,
"OK jerk, I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person...
because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little fucker on your knee!"

Sat, 09/01/2012 - 02:50 | Link to Comment Inthemix96
Inthemix96's picture

This bloke wakes up after major surgery and the doctor is standing over him with a very grim look on his face.

The doc says "Ihave good news and bad news I'm afraid sir"

The bloke says "Well then doc, whats the bad news?"  The doctor in all graveness says "The surgery did not work sir, you will be dead by the morning"

"Jesus fucking christ" the bloke exclaims.  "What in fucks name is the good news then?"

The doc says, "You see that blonde young nurse over their?  The one with the long legs, beautiful face and smashing tits?  I'm shagging her tonight"

Boom boom

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 14:28 | Link to Comment Seorse Gorog fr...
Seorse Gorog from that Quantum Entanglement Fund. alright_.-'s picture

Sounds like an episode of the Simpsons with Homer and Dr Hibbert

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 14:30 | Link to Comment Zero Govt
Zero Govt's picture

absolutely spiffing article, chuckled non-stop

 ..sent it to Paul Krugman, he's chewing a wasp and didn't see the humour ..his growth hormones aren't working either, in fact he's saddled in saturated fats

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 14:34 | Link to Comment spekulatn
spekulatn's picture

Brilliant stuff  Mr. McHugh. 

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 15:34 | Link to Comment mark mchugh
mark mchugh's picture

I'm too narcissistic for my own good already, but thanks.

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 14:43 | Link to Comment kaiserhoff
kaiserhoff's picture

In regard to medical advice, always remember...,


There are a lot more old drunks, than old doctors.

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 15:44 | Link to Comment aka Gil
aka Gil's picture

So I guess we better have another round?

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 14:54 | Link to Comment AldoHux_IV
AldoHux_IV's picture

50 Shades of Keynes

Brilliant literature-- too bad it's not going on the Oprah's book of the month.

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 15:08 | Link to Comment NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

Damn, so you're saying I shouldn't have lost that weight?

Great stuff. Spot on.

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 15:33 | Link to Comment e-man
e-man's picture

I've always tried to boil it down this way:

If I have a future source of income but I can not pay my bills today, a credit card will help smooth that curve.

If I have no future source of income and I can not pay my bills today, a credit card will only delay my bankruptcy and possibly make it worse by dragging others into my insolvency.

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 15:31 | Link to Comment youngman
youngman's picture

My doctor told me "I have some good news and some bad news" after I went in for a checkup.....I said "great.... what is the good news"....he said "you only have 24 hours to live".....I about shit my pants..I yelled "what.....I only have 24 hours to live....then what the hell is the bad news?".....He said "I could not get a hold of you yesterday"...bada boom ..bada bing...cymbal crash

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 15:41 | Link to Comment ncdirtdigger
ncdirtdigger's picture

Is there more where this came from?  Bravo Sir!

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 15:58 | Link to Comment Colonel Klink
Colonel Klink's picture

All my doctors said to stop drinking and smoking.  That was 5 doctors ago.

-George Burns

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 16:13 | Link to Comment windcatcher
windcatcher's picture

The doc should have referred the chump to the Ludwig Von Mises Institute for a triple heart bypass; the results would have been about the same. HA. Ha.

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 16:45 | Link to Comment Slightly Insane
Slightly Insane's picture


The friday post is a hit.  I especially like the Harvard digs and the Mayo clinic digs (I have a friend who is both, and resides in the nuero dept).  I think you may have rung his bell.

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 18:20 | Link to Comment Roandavid
Roandavid's picture

Nicely done.

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 19:21 | Link to Comment laomei
laomei's picture

Look on the bright side, with food prices jumping 10% in the last month, retail will be able to claim that they are making more profits and at the same time the government will claim increased consumer spending numbers.  To wall street algos, this means recovery.  To everyone else, this means they are getting fucked.

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 19:20 | Link to Comment Titan Uranus
Titan Uranus's picture

Very nice.  You sent me into the weekend with a smile...

Fri, 08/31/2012 - 19:47 | Link to Comment Monedas
Monedas's picture

Eat your potato chips .... high in calories, low in fibre and vitamin C .... and an excellent source of dietary starch !

Sat, 09/01/2012 - 00:04 | Link to Comment catch edge ghost
catch edge ghost's picture

Wait. I'm confused.

Is Mark McHugh the pen name for Larry Summers?

Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!