Friday Humor: Gold Is A Barbeque Relish

Tyler Durden's picture

Submitted by Mark McHugh of Across The Street,

My Doctor’s an idiot.  A few years ago, he started expressing concerns about my weight, pointing at this chart supposedly showing how much a man of my height should weigh.  One glance at his stupid chart and it was clear to me that he had completely misdiagnosed my condition.   There was nothing wrong with my weight, I just wasn’t tall enough.  Clearly I needed to grow my way out of this. So I went home and googled “how to stimulate growth.”  Once I got past the all the baldness cures and penis pumps (it’s not my bag, baby), I found hundreds of papers so incredibly boring I knew they had to be true.  In no time, I was able to design and implement my own stimulus plan based on the irrefutable scientificky principles of Nobel prize winners and other people so smart they never had to do an honest day’s work in their lives.  Despite the difficulty climbing stairs, I was feeling pretty good about things until my last check-up….

“Hi, Doc.”

“Hi,” he said, examining my file.  He looked up, “You’ve put on twenty pounds since the last time I saw you”

“Thanks for noticing,” I beamed.

He frowned.  “I remember now.  You’re the guy on the diet designed to make you grow.  What’s that called again?”

“The Keynesian Plan.”

“Is that the one where you eat bacon and cheese, but not vegetables?”

“No,” I replied, “But I have incorporated some elements of that plan” (I don’t like vegetables).

“And how’s this whole Keynesian thing working out?” he asked.

“I’ll admit I’m a little disappointed.  I’ve only grown and inch and a half so far, but..”

“No you haven’t,” he interrupted, pointing, “You’ve just got those stupid elevator wedges in your shoes to make you look taller.”

“They’re to get me acclimated to being taller.”

“Which you’re not,” he declared.  “I told you, you’re fully grown.  The only thing you’ve succeeded in doing is collapsing you arches and giving yourself  Type 2 Diabetes.”

“We Keynesians call things like that “unintended consequences” (I used finger-quotes to let him know it was a technical term).  And trust me, Doc, I’m no happier about them than you.  Can I see that height-weight chart of yours again?”

He handed me the chart. After a moment, I sighed, “Looks like I’ll have to do more QE.”


“Quantitative eating.  It’s how you stimulate growth, Doc.  It’s technical.”

“Oh,” he said.  “Because it sounds an awful lot like what we in the medical profession call “stuffing your fat face”  (giving me finger-quotes, but in a condescending, not-at-all-helpful kind of way).”

I tried to stay calm and empathize.  “Doc, it’s not your fault you haven’t been educated about Keynesian principles.  They only teach it at top-notch schools like M.I.T. and Harvard.  I don’t know about you, Doc, but I feel better knowing that no matter what happens on election day, the White House will be occupied by someone who attended Harvard.”

“As did the Unabomber,” he added.

“Still better than the bumblefuck medical school you went to!”  I snapped.

“Johns Hopkins?” he queried, thrusting his eyebrows up.

“John Hopkins.” I corrected (Friggin’ Idiot!)

“Tell me, how are you paying for all this stimulus?”

“Food Stamps…and my ex-wife’s credit card.”  (I just knew he wasn’t going to understand this part…)

He looked at me with a curious mixture of confusion and utter disgust.  “What….Does she even know?”

“I’m no Dr. Bernanke, but I know one of the most important aspects of Keynesian stimulus is sticking someone else with the bill. It works out better for everyone if the victim, er , stimulus provider is unaware.  She’ll be OK.  I’m going to make it all up to her.”

“Really?  How?” 

“Look at your damn chart, Doc!”  I bellowed.  “I’m going to be taller than Shaq when all this stimulus kicks in!  Can you say NBA contract?“

“No,” he said, unimpressed, “just over-sized casket.”

(I could tell he was about to launch into another one of his “austerity” sermons.  You know, “Consume less, do more, stop spending other people’s money, blah-blah-blah.”  Pinhead.  Obviously Dr. Quackenstein was beyond all hope.)

“No offense Doc, but I need help from people with a better understanding of these things.  Any chance you can refer me to the Mayo clinic?”

“Is that where the treat illness with mayonnaise?”

“Yes,” I said.

“No,” he said, and walked out.

As I sat down to rest in the lobby on the way back to my car, I remembered that the key ingredient to the Keynesian system is confidence and realized that what I was feeling, beside the tingling sensation in my left arm, was nothing more than the sting of rejection felt by true visionaries like Jon Corzine and the Octomom.

So if anyone asks, I’m at the grocery store.

Comment viewing options

Select your preferred way to display the comments and click "Save settings" to activate your changes.
Cognitive Dissonance's picture

It makes it so much easier to examine (and then dismiss) our insanity when it comes dressed up as humor.

Nice piece Mark. Maybe next time.

theXman's picture

He's joking about the foodstamps, he must be racist. 

knukles's picture

Whoa!  He didn't say "Chicago"

Colombian Gringo's picture

Au 1690 Dec.

AG 31.24 Dec.


Suck it, Blythe Masters, drink it all!!

strannick's picture

Anyone who looks at the silver-on-gold graph, and believes an industrial component drives silver, is on glue. What the silver physical market and industrials do have in common is that silver supply has been contracting with the less lead-zinc mining (70% of silver is mined as byproduct of lead-zinc mining, go SLW).

But of course the physical market has about as as much in common with COMEX silver, as silver does with live pork bellies

Anyone who believes two non manipulated assets can follow each other practically tick by tick is on glue.

Anyone who thinks the CFTC isnt on glue is on glue.

FEDbuster's picture

Robert Reich isn't laughing at this story.

Overflow-admin's picture

"Goldman School of Public Policy" wtf is that a jihad training camp???

NoControl's picture

You're assuming only minorities are on food-stmps, you must be racist.

I'm acknowledging there are minotities, I must be racist.


strannick's picture

Your making assumptions about racism, racist. At least your acknowledging it.

thatthingcanfly's picture

He didn't assume that. Someone else assumed that for him.

Titan Uranus's picture

If you misspell racist, you're racist...

vast-dom's picture

gold and oil went up close to 2% each while NASDAQ went up a tick under .5% so far. So just the RUMOR brought us 4x inflation or a drop in inflated bullshit indices at 4x adjusted for inflation just on the day. So in order to justfy SP anywhere near 1400 we would have massive inflation = massive unemployment adjusted to net declining disposible income = we are so fucked...

Xibalba's picture

yeah, but it's a transitory fucking.  just a couple generations.  

knukles's picture

Or just ignore the S&P

Nadaclue's picture

The Awesome is strong in this one.

LawsofPhysics's picture

Until the moral hazard is addressed (blatant fraud and theft), possession creeps closer to becoming 100% of the law and nothing will change.

mark mchugh's picture

Thanks, Nihilarian.  (probably not true, but thanks).



aka Gil's picture

If not brilliant, it was very clever. Best of all, it was quite humorous.

knowless's picture

don't bother tearing yourself down, plenty of other people willing to do that for you i'm sure..


I didn't even register the barbeque relish/barbaric relic part until i was already writing this comment.


acknowledge something as it is received, take pride in work which others value.


i thought it was pretty funny.. at the least illustrative.

mark mchugh's picture

I do. 

The most influential thing I ever read in my life was a one page piece in the back of TIME magazine in the eighties entitled "Feeling Good about Doing Bad."  It was about how US kids, who scored the lowest on an international math test showed the highest positive response to the statement, "I am good at math."  Korean kids, who actually scored the highest, had the lowest percentage of positive response.  It was a powerful illustration of the value of humility and the pitfalls of conceit that I never want to forget.

It's right to acknowledge compliments, but I think it's also important to keep your ego in check.

I hope that makes sense.

goldfish1's picture

How much math does one need anyway?


monad's picture

In order to defend yourself you really need enough algebra, business calculus and statistics to form a basic understanding of how the bankstertician class steals and lies. 2 years is more than adequate, if you apply yourself. If you hate math you can study law instead, but you still need enough math to not get ripped off. Fraudulent billing is the new normal.

mark mchugh's picture

I'm very glad you liked it, William.

Doubleguns's picture

Wait.... I am confused. Does this mean Michele Obama is an Austrian. She is trying to get folks to eat less. Christ that must mean Michele is going to kick Baracks ass. Romneys gonna miss his chance.

LongBalls's picture

Bravo. A piece written in a manner a child can understand. 

mkhs's picture

But what about a politician?

knukles's picture
Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Texas) sponsors House Resolution to have Mercury (Hg) removed from Periodic Chart as a means of fighting pollution, global warming (sarc or not to sarc, that is no longer the question)
SafelyGraze's picture

the "keynesian diet" worked in the past, when we were children

that's why it's important to administer it to our own children

so they will grow to be big and strong

even if the diet doesn't seem to benefit us any more

it's for the kids

nonclaim's picture

In other words keynesians are infantile cretins?

Jason T's picture

gold and gasoline ripping higher, wages declining, in some industries, going negative year over year like this one..

"Wage Deflation - Making Sure It Happens Here"

SheepDog-One's picture

'Wage inflation appears to be fully contained'....WHEW thanks there Keynesians for a minute there I thought I was in danger of being weighed down by more money!

fourchan's picture



we will never have wage inflation (the only kind the fed looks at) because we have

exported all labors pricing power to the slave nations of china and india and the smaller even worse ones.

goldfish1's picture

yes here we have wage deflation aka no jobs

WALLST8MY8BALL's picture

Dr told me i had to get into shape, I said "Round is a shape!"

Brazillionaire's picture

My doc told me I as a sick man, so I said I wanted a second opinion. So he said, "OK. you're ugly, too."

LongBalls's picture

My doc told me he needed a stool sample, a urine sample, and a semen sample so I handed him my underwear.

Peter Pan's picture

The doctor told me I had cirhosis. I told him I wanted a second opinion. He told me the autopsy would confirm it.

trichotil's picture

the doc told me i had six months to live....


...i didnt pay him...


so he gave me another six months.

billsykes's picture

And you have to come from the best schools in the world, get a steller GPA, pass your ethics at the CFA, network and beg, do rigourous case interviews, get shifted thru thousands of applicants, say all the right things and after 200k in debt and lost time you can work for us at 100k a yr doled out in 3k increments every 2 weeks (after tax) and work 80 hours a week for years while your youth and optimism dies then maybe if you are subservient enough you can make boneheaded desions that loose money too. 



goldfish1's picture

that's what i'm talking about

SheepDog-One's picture

Pretty funny really.....the most hillarious part is our 'learned elders' actually are the patient here and believe it all 100%!

Toolshed's picture

This is the funniest, and at the same time saddest, shit I have ever read. And now......I am hungry!!! Off to the Mayo Clinic branch down the street.