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Friday Humor: The Muppet-Master

Tyler Durden's picture


It's Friday afternoon. Given today's 'Epic Farce' of an equity-trading environment - It's 2pm, do you know where your sense-of-humor is?


On his relationship with Blankfein: "Elmo has no idea what he is saying but Elmo hopes he is friendly."


On the market's rebound today: "Elmo is so happy being red and Elmo just likes to be red."


On Corzine (and the BATS CEO soon): "He loves live in a trashcan; you don’t have to feel sad for him."


(h/t Jon)


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Fri, 03/23/2012 - 14:03 | 2284335 SilverTree
SilverTree's picture
A Muppet and I know it.
Fri, 03/23/2012 - 14:45 | 2284392 TruthInSunshine
TruthInSunshine's picture

"Elmo wants to know why Goldman Sachs CEO Mr. Lloyd Blankfein feels he has the right to stick his hand up & violate Elmo's anal cavity."

"Elmo did not request a prostate exam."

"Elmo doesn't think this is doing God's work."

"Elmo wants to go to ER and report anal rape incident, but neither Mr. Jon Corzine or Mr. William Dudley, who used to be partners at Goldman Sachs, and who drove Elmo to Goldman Sachs meeting, will answer their phones."

"Elmo is sad because he now has painful rectal bleeding caused by Vampire Squid attack."

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 14:52 | 2284546 krispkritter
Fri, 03/23/2012 - 15:28 | 2284658 ShankyS
ShankyS's picture

It's TICKLE me Elmo, NOT MOLEST me Elmo you bastard. 

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 17:24 | 2285093 NumberNone
NumberNone's picture

Even the North American Man-Muppet Love Association (NAMMLA) is disgusted by this picture...

Sat, 03/24/2012 - 00:56 | 2286022 Spirit Of Truth
Spirit Of Truth's picture

Elmo learns the Catholic meaning of "God's Work" from Lloyd Blankfein. [Note that the Vatican is the third largest land owner in the world.  This represents Christ's will how?]

Sat, 03/24/2012 - 04:27 | 2286195 iamrage
iamrage's picture

Not what I heard....Probably NSFW, but generally harmless humor.

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 14:24 | 2284437 Silver Bug
Silver Bug's picture

It's disgusting that none of these crooks have been arrested yet. We all know why they havn't been. Sad.

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 21:06 | 2285710 morkov
morkov's picture

muppets got a star on that holywood pavement yesterday. hm?

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 23:03 | 2285892 AldousHuxley
AldousHuxley's picture

benefits from smart crooks > benefits from ignorant society arresting crooks


mass public is scape goating at occupy wall st. folks and doing banking with banks of america.


unless zerohedge becomes more popular than facebook, don't expect any revolutions from the fat TV watching walmart hoarding americans.


Fri, 03/23/2012 - 14:29 | 2284456 LongSoupLine
LongSoupLine's picture



Cue Buffett wearing the Big Bird costume...

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 14:53 | 2284550 i-dog
i-dog's picture

... and the American voter as the Cookie Monster....

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 16:03 | 2284621 TruthInSunshine
TruthInSunshine's picture

How to Profit with Goldman Sachs; Be the Non-Muppet

by John Paulson


Many believe wealthy investor clients of Goldman Sachs are exploited by Goldman Sachs.  While this is the rule, I am the exception to it that proves you won't inevitably lose money by following Goldman's advice, so long as you harbor devious intent and are able to get Goldman Sachs drawn into a conspiracy to defraud.

Here's how it works.

1)   Meet with prominent members of some of the riskiest asset class departments at Goldman Sachs. For demonstration purposes, let's assume you set up a meeting with the subprime MBS group circa 2006.


2)  Pledge a large chunk of your own money to further a scheme that gets Goldman, salivating over the potential profit, to agree to source and pool the worst of the worst of toxic mortgages, synthesize them, slap fancy names like 'Abacus' or 'Hudson' on them, take them to a credit rating wet work shop like Fitch to get them rebranded as investment grade, and heavily promote them as relatively safe, high yield, preferential products to Muppet clients of Goldman.


3) After Goldman rakes in massive fees selling these toxic but fraudulently mis-labeled assets to its Muppet clients, short these same assets, along with Goldman, with heavy leverage, as you already know they are destined to implode soon.


4)  Sit back, put your legs up on the desk, pour yourself a Makers Mark, and wait for it to rain dolla dolla bills.


5)  After making a name for yourself by netting a cool billion and being portrayed as a savvy investor, get your own clients who are throwing themselves at you with their money, and grow your own fund to 30 bln AUM, proceeding to lose 50% of that money, but gaining 4 billion in money management fees, nonetheless.


Don't be the individual, no matter how much you are (or were formerly) worth, who believes that Goldman Sachs or JP Morgan wouldn't stab you in the heart with an ice pick while complimenting you on your tie, telling you how profitable your 'future partnership' will be, so long as they can make a penny from your suffering.

Don't be the Muppet. Be a co-Muppeteer.

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 14:30 | 2284460 Gully Foyle
Gully Foyle's picture

[talking about supporting Greg The Bunny's interest in the Pupish Movement]
Jimmy: Hey, why don't you guys give him a break? Instead of stabbing him in the back, why don't you try showing him a little support in the front? Lets face it, humans have been mistreating puppets for centuries. It's nothing new. We lure them to our country with the tartar sauce, and the lollipops, and the empty promises of sparklers which I believe are yet unfulfilled. Tardy, you got your sparklers?
Tardy: I'm tough but nice.
Jimmy: Yea that's what I thought! And then we go and trade their hides for, you know, cheap whiskey during the war of the roses.
Dottie: Is that true?
Count Blah: No
Jimmy: We had them build our airplanes and our suspension bridges and our jet packs and our race cars, but can you name me one puppet that's ever taken home the trophy at the Minneapolis 500? I dare ya. Can ya? No!
Alison Kaiser: I understood the pupish better.

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 14:42 | 2284513 SILVERGEDDON

"AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH ! I'll say whatever you want me to say, and do whatever you want me to do, just stop squeezing my nuts so hard - it hurts !

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 14:45 | 2284522 Gully Foyle
Gully Foyle's picture

Female Clown Barfly: As soon as that camera is off, he gonna fuck that little dog.

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 15:13 | 2284608 MayIMommaDogFac...
MayIMommaDogFace2theBananaPatch's picture

+50 shakes

Now that is obscure!

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 14:02 | 2284338 RacerX
RacerX's picture

so THAT'S who's got his hand up my ass!

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 14:13 | 2284391 Divided States ...
Divided States of America's picture

Good to know that Wall Street is not just fucking with Main Street, its also screwing Sesame Street.

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 14:18 | 2284410 Dr. Richard Head
Dr. Richard Head's picture

March is Muppet Fisting Awareness Month.

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 14:34 | 2284478 NumberNone
NumberNone's picture

Once you go muppet...

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 14:04 | 2284344 SilverTree
SilverTree's picture


Fri, 03/23/2012 - 14:29 | 2284454 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

fein.....   There I hope that helps you finish your thought.

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 14:46 | 2284529 nope-1004
nope-1004's picture

down arrow from me.  Fix the avatar already dude.

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 15:04 | 2284582 Likstane
Likstane's picture

maybe that is what we are supposed to see.  Nah..

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 14:03 | 2284345 GeneMarchbanks
GeneMarchbanks's picture

WillyB going to work...

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 14:05 | 2284350 Nothing To See Here
Nothing To See Here's picture

Elmo : "Sup?"

GS : "Fuck this muppet, it has no cash to milk"

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 14:05 | 2284351 peekcrackers
peekcrackers's picture


did you notice where his other hand is placed ?

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 14:09 | 2284376 RacerX
RacerX's picture

are you saying I'm getting the courtesy reach-around as well? how thoughtful of Lllllooyd

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 15:15 | 2284618 MayIMommaDogFac...
MayIMommaDogFace2theBananaPatch's picture

The hand in back is for the wallet.  The reach-around is for the pocket-change.

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 14:40 | 2284502 NumberNone
NumberNone's picture

Don't feel too bad for Elmo...he's done this before.  See Elmo Experiments... 

Elmo's a whore.

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 14:07 | 2284359 Everyman
Everyman's picture

"Why is he touching Elmo THERE?"

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 14:23 | 2284436 Gazooks
Gazooks's picture

full service banking

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 18:57 | 2285430 Ginandtonic
Ginandtonic's picture

comment of the day right there.  plus 15.75 trillion and some change.

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 14:08 | 2284364 marcusfenix
marcusfenix's picture

Elmo in 2012.

If you are going to have puppet in the White House, it might as well be one from Sesame Street.

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 14:08 | 2284367 The Limerick King
The Limerick King's picture



Elmo thinks Goldman has class

But Lloyd knows that muppets are crass

He gives them a smile

All of the while

He's reaching his hand up their ass!

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 14:12 | 2284385 prains
prains's picture

Is that elmo or Mitt Obama ?

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 14:13 | 2284390 Temporalist
Temporalist's picture

Inflation is like Snuffaluffagus

Fed doesn't see it's humongous

It's hairy and massive

But the Banksters aren't passive

They'll print till it's sitting on top of us

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 14:33 | 2284473 ParkAveFlasher
ParkAveFlasher's picture

why not "humonguffalus"?

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 14:40 | 2284506 Temporalist
Temporalist's picture

Yes that would work better thanks. Next time I need to rhyme Snuffaluffagus I will get your assistance.

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 14:39 | 2284497 Gazooks
Gazooks's picture

there once was a global mf

whose margin was lacking mos def

segregated accounts

of mega amounts

were looted to make up the dif



Fri, 03/23/2012 - 14:08 | 2284368 Spondulick
Spondulick's picture

All Your String are belong to Elmo.

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 14:20 | 2284372 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

La la la la La la la la it's Blankfein's world.....


Elmo: Lloyd

Lloyd: Yes Elmo?

Elmo: For years you've had your hand up my ass fist fucking me with out me being aware. Well now I'm going to shove something so far up your ass that you and all of your criminal fucks will be aware. Welcome to Elmo's world you fuck!

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 14:54 | 2284553 Gazooks
Gazooks's picture

there was once a bankster named Lloyd

who by laws was simply annoyed

deep up taxpayer ass

he'd reach to grab cash

a proctologist pretty-boy-floyd

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 14:15 | 2284374 Temporalist
Temporalist's picture

Besides this being the Mahna Mahna economy ( everyone knows that this is the Opposite economy:

Opposite Stuff


Fri, 03/23/2012 - 14:11 | 2284379 junkyardjack
junkyardjack's picture

Hey Elmo put some pants on, you freak

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 14:12 | 2284386 q99x2
q99x2's picture

About time for TVIX to do a 4:1 reverse vaporization. It stopped falling in case anyone cares to dabble.

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 14:27 | 2284446 Village Smithy
Village Smithy's picture

After this mornings' turn around in the face of bad economic news, algo mayhem, and lots of scary international rumours I think it's time to forget about the VIX. Bernanke has given the signal, 1380.50 in the ES is the bottom. In my mind this morning was the end of the vol game. QE is on hold but a new Maginot line has been drawn.

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 14:16 | 2284400 peekcrackers
peekcrackers's picture

Now Open  " Blankfein's RUB & TUG "  combo for muppets

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 14:16 | 2284405 Agent P
Agent P's picture

What a fucking goofy looking muppet...and don't even get me started on the red guy.

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 14:16 | 2284406 candyman
candyman's picture

un f'in believable, People think Muslims get a bad rap and are portrayed as being intolerant when they are the religion of peace.  This moving service takes place in a war memorial cemetery in the middle east, dedicated to the soldiers who died fighting for their country against their dictators

THE RELIGION OF PEACE AT WORK. This is not humorous


Fri, 03/23/2012 - 14:30 | 2284461 DoChenRollingBearing
DoChenRollingBearing's picture

I wonder how long that link stays alive...

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 15:05 | 2284587 BlackholeDivestment
BlackholeDivestment's picture thing you know the Muslim antichrist pukes will be blowing up Buddhist statues. Lol.

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 15:24 | 2284645 Seorse Gorog fr...
Seorse Gorog from that Quantum Entanglement Fund. alright_.-'s picture

They're just looking for oil

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 14:21 | 2284412 slewie the pi-rat
slewie the pi-rat's picture

janHazmat has been replaced?

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 14:23 | 2284435 dwayne elizando
dwayne elizando's picture

Wall Street raping Sesame Street so the children of America know whats in store for them.

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 14:24 | 2284440 Ted Baker
Ted Baker's picture


Fri, 03/23/2012 - 14:38 | 2284447 AlaricBalth
AlaricBalth's picture

Check out the headline on CNBC. Interesting use of the word "Lured". To lure is to use a decoy to catch something, usually a fish. After being caught, of course it is likely to be gutted, filleted and eaten. And such will be the fate of the average investor.  


CNBC - Average Investors May Finally Be Lured Back Into Stocks Published: Friday, 23 Mar 2012 | 1:24 PM ET


Fri, 03/23/2012 - 14:43 | 2284500 SheepDog-One
SheepDog-One's picture

'Avg Investors may finally be lured back into stocks' LOL HOW do you figure that CNBC ass hat cheerleaders and Wall St puppeteers?!....'Average Investor' is now dead broke and wouldnt touched this rigged casino even if YOU sent them free money to put into your stupid markets! 

'Now 51% of Schwabb investors are 'bullish', a sure sign the less bullish suckers will 'bite the lure' and follow suit now that the 'bull market' has caused the S&P to double'....Uh...yea sure...

Theyve gone totaly delusional now!

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 14:45 | 2284521 nmewn
nmewn's picture

lol...look at line peeling off the reel!!! must be a whopper!!!

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 14:49 | 2284534 SheepDog-One
SheepDog-One's picture

Could it IS! The Avg White Retail!! From hells heart, I stab at thee!!

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 14:50 | 2284541 nmewn
nmewn's picture


Moby Blankfein!

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 15:13 | 2284607 AlaricBalth
AlaricBalth's picture

You owe me a keyboard. LMAO

Sun, 03/25/2012 - 03:39 | 2288020 TruthInSunshine
TruthInSunshine's picture

They're not luring the whales anymore.

The whales figure they literally have better odds (and company, from a moral and ethical standpoint) in Vegas or Macau.

So they're hopelessly casting their lures for the retail perch & trout.

But the jig is up as even the lowly fish know there's just a painful hook that will lead to their gutting near that spinner.

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 14:46 | 2284531 slaughterer
slaughterer's picture

Just as intestesing use of "average."  Who the f*ck wants to be referred to as "average"?

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 17:19 | 2285076 citta vritti
citta vritti's picture

me for one. it's a step up from my results

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 16:07 | 2284772 lotsoffun
lotsoffun's picture

there is much truth in wording, as represented by the phrase 'freudian slip'.

nice catch - 'real' it in.



Fri, 03/23/2012 - 14:42 | 2284512 Temporalist
Temporalist's picture

If you push Elmo's belly he laughs; similarly Banksters laugh when the Fed pushes print.

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 14:43 | 2284514 nmewn
nmewn's picture

Real Men of Jean-yous.

That's right Mr. Muppet Master Man, we're talkin about you.

With your head up your ass & a hand always up someone elses.

Who's never seen an IPO that can't be front run or shorted. Doing God's work nine to five and being paid a handsome bonus off the jittery algo rhythms really works up an appetite for a weekend at the Hamptons for you. Million dollar fines are wiped away by green printed toilet paper rolls given to you by the Bernank.

So here's to you Mr. Muppet Master Man, may the statists always create new government departments for you to plunder and the doors of academia swing wide for you.

Mr. Muppet Master Maaan!!!

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 14:48 | 2284535 Atomizer
Atomizer's picture

Lloyd Blankfein: I just love fist fucking muppets. Back at the office, they call me Dr. Rectoscope.

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 14:51 | 2284544 Decolat
Decolat's picture

'Can you point on the doll where Mr. Blankfein touched you...'

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 20:41 | 2285672 Orly
Orly's picture

Now that was a good one.

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 14:55 | 2284556 spekulatn
Fri, 03/23/2012 - 15:02 | 2284577 The Heart
The Heart's picture

You want funny, watch this:


Sat, 03/24/2012 - 08:48 | 2286331 Schmuck Raker
Schmuck Raker's picture


Much funnier:

Quant quiz of the Week
Fri, 03/23/2012 - 15:09 | 2284597 MrBinkeyWhat
MrBinkeyWhat's picture

Is that you WB7?

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 15:19 | 2284628 Seorse Gorog fr...
Seorse Gorog from that Quantum Entanglement Fund. alright_.-'s picture

Blankfein: LLoyd's-a-doing god's work. Lloyd-a-massage Elmo's prostate and milk Elmo furry balls.

Elmo: Waaah,...  Elmo.   see.    the.   light, Mr Lloyd.

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 16:45 | 2284959 qussl3
qussl3's picture

You've seen Elmo, wanna see Bert and Ernie?

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 17:46 | 2285159 Lmo Mutton
Lmo Mutton's picture

Lmo says tickle me again.

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 18:42 | 2285386 Lumberjack
Lumberjack's picture

Just's friday.

Sat, 03/24/2012 - 17:47 | 2287168 MeelionDollerBogus
MeelionDollerBogus's picture

NOW it's fry-day :D

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 20:14 | 2285587 piceridu
piceridu's picture

Featuring Corzmit The Frog as he sings his classic: It's Not Easy Stealing Green

Sat, 03/24/2012 - 12:13 | 2285791 CoolBeans
CoolBeans's picture

"Mr. Blankfein?"

"Yes, Elmo."

"Elmo thinks that Tickle me Elmo likes to get two test tickles...not two fingers on his testicles."

"Oh Elmo, everyone at Goldman Sachs knows that Muppets don't have any testicles."

"Elmo thinks Mr. Blankfein would make a good pirate in our next Muppet Treasure Island movie because he is a Muppet molester."

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 22:27 | 2285830 nah
nah's picture

oh jeez, thats alot of securities.

Sat, 03/24/2012 - 04:48 | 2286207 Grand Supercycle
Grand Supercycle's picture

The Wile E. Coyote scenario continues...

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