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Friday Humor: Olympics Edition

Tyler Durden's picture


Sometimes, some things are best left unsaid:

  • Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
  • Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
  • Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
  • Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
  • Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
  • At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
  • Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
  • Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . . . Oh my God, what have I just said?"

And finally, Obama calls Phelps:

"Congratulations Michael, but remember you didn't win all those medals, someone else did. After all, you swam in public pools, built by state employees using tax dollars. You got training from the USOC, and ate food grown by the Department of Agriculture. You should play fair and share your medals with the people who can barely keep their head above water, let alone swim."

h/t George

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Fri, 08/10/2012 - 16:40 | 2695275 lineskis
lineskis's picture

Friday Humor! \o/

Fri, 08/10/2012 - 16:44 | 2695290 Gully Foyle
Gully Foyle's picture

Eric Cartman's Minorities Song: What has happened to this place / I don’t recognize it anymore / It used to be so fun and special / What is life worth living for The dream is dead / Our land is gone / There’s a hole in my heart / And I can’t go on / There are too many minorities (minorities) / At my water park (my water park) / This was our land, our dream (our dream) / and they’ve taken it all away / They just keep coming and coming (minorities) / I tried to go and tell the police / But even the authorities / Are minorities (are minorities) / At my water park / There’s no place for me to sit anymore / And the lines just keep getting crazier / There are Mexicans all around me / The lazy river has never been lazier / It’s a 40 minute wait to go down one slide / And the instructions are in Spanish on the Zip Line ride (just do it in English!) / There are too many minorities (too many) / At my water park (somebody do something) / Where did they all come from / Why can’t they leave this land alone / And it’s such a tragedy (feel a bit like dying) / We looked the other way too long / We’ve got to change our priorities / And get all these minorities/ Out of my water park / (Minorities) Mexicans and Asian / Black people / I think I even saw Native Americans (gross) / God I’m asking please / Get all of these minorities / Out of my water park (my water park)

Fri, 08/10/2012 - 17:02 | 2695310 Precious
Precious's picture

Thought London 2012 would be THE year for men's synchonized swim. What a disappointment.

Fri, 08/10/2012 - 17:15 | 2695382 sqz
sqz's picture



For some reason, I found this funny at the time:

  • Women's Judo commentator: "Pogorzelec in the white, a limping Joo in the blue."

As an aside, Joo's throw was probably the most spectacular in the entire Olympics 2012: http://cdn3.sbnation.com/fan_shot_images/262630/1.gif

Fri, 08/10/2012 - 17:16 | 2695403 krispkritter
krispkritter's picture

I say give Phelps another medal for hottest girlfriend, this is reportedly his current one:


Fri, 08/10/2012 - 17:29 | 2695432 HungrySeagull
HungrySeagull's picture

If that is Joo in the Blue, that is a quite the defense converted to a smashing offense. White did not know or see it coming...

I don't think this was planned. Just executed.

Sat, 08/11/2012 - 13:09 | 2697480 Need More Cowbell
Need More Cowbell's picture

@Precious:    They're not mad at each other, they are just pointing and thinking "I know you, I know you"


The quotes are fitting - they don't call it the XXX games for nothin'

Fri, 08/10/2012 - 16:55 | 2695335 Population Bubble
Population Bubble's picture

Minorities themselves are not the problem; it's all the people in general.

Fri, 08/10/2012 - 17:04 | 2695361 Rainman
Rainman's picture

" What the hell is it with all these white kids shootin up the school...?

                   Chris Rock

Fri, 08/10/2012 - 19:24 | 2695719 CompassionateFascist
CompassionateFascist's picture

"What the hell is it with 1/4 of all black males currently in prison, just out of prison, or soon to be in prison...for robbbing, raping and murdering?"  Ans: that's what the Jews put them up to do: via the welfare-illfare state, crime-lobby legal system, and drug culture. Expand the State.


Fri, 08/10/2012 - 20:42 | 2695802 Precious
Precious's picture

First the J's ran the slave trade into England.  When it was outlawed in there, they shifted to the slave trade into America.  This is a documented fact.

Fri, 08/10/2012 - 19:41 | 2695753 Monedas
Monedas's picture

Relatively few blacks have the organizational skills to acquire and keep wealth, own cars and guns !  They are good at grabbing guns from black cunt sherriffs and killing them and the judge and others when an outrageous injustice is summarily imposed on them .... to their credit !      They're also good at faking 911 domestic disturbance calls, lying in wait and wasting 4 deputies who come running to save the day .... like that guy in Texas !   Can't we all just get along ?

Fri, 08/10/2012 - 20:45 | 2695871 Precious
Precious's picture

Nice of your patrons to pay you $12.50 an hour to fake a racist good old boy, but you don't even come close to fooling anyone.

Fri, 08/10/2012 - 23:31 | 2696280 toady
toady's picture

Way too articulate for a good ol' boy. No ya'lls er nothin'

Throw a couple of those in next time and you might fool someone.

Fri, 08/10/2012 - 17:29 | 2695429 Gully Foyle
Gully Foyle's picture


Study: Oral Sex Cures Morning Sickness


According to Gordon Gallup, a psychologist at SUNY-Albany, the best way to cure morning sickness during pregnancy is sperm.

But not just any sperm, it should be the sperm of the person who got you pregnant.

Gallup believes the reason a pregnant woman gets morning sickness is due to the unfamiliar semen in their body due to the pregnancy.

Gallup says in his findings that the woman’s body will initially reject the father’s semen as an infection and react to it by vomiting.

Gallup says the best cure for morning sickness is to ingest the father’s semen so her body can build up a tolerance to what’s already in her body.

Gallup agrees with the 2000 abstract from the National Center for Biotechnology Information, which showed that oral sex and swallowing sperm is correlated with a diminished occurrence of preeclampsia.

PubMed Health defines preeclampsia as when a pregnant woman develops high blood pressure and protein in the urine after the 20th week, which is usually in the late second or third trimester of pregnancy.

Fri, 08/10/2012 - 17:39 | 2695466 Bastiat
Bastiat's picture

. . . and just think of the yet undiscovered benefits!

Fri, 08/10/2012 - 17:41 | 2695473 Coast Watcher
Coast Watcher's picture

Men all over America are reading this story to their wives, and their wives are going, "That is so not going to happen."

Fri, 08/10/2012 - 17:52 | 2695508 Gully Foyle
Gully Foyle's picture

Coast Watcher

Just tell them about the clear skin benefits. Then men will have to hide.

Sat, 08/11/2012 - 02:34 | 2696407 Richard Chesler
Richard Chesler's picture

This research courtesy of Eric Cartman.

Fri, 08/10/2012 - 18:12 | 2695565 nmewn
nmewn's picture

Why is the bride always smiling?

They know they've given their last blow job for awhile ;-)

Fri, 08/10/2012 - 23:45 | 2696306 merizobeach
merizobeach's picture

Sure, brides and wives of all tenure are perfectly within their right to not put out--and there will always be plenty of others willing and ready to perform when wifey opts not to (or turns into an ugly, noisy balloonasaurus).

Fri, 08/10/2012 - 18:15 | 2695573 Grinder74
Grinder74's picture

The trick is to have them read 50 Shades... first, then show them this story.  You'll see the light bulb go on over their head.

Fri, 08/10/2012 - 19:09 | 2695698 IAmNotMark
IAmNotMark's picture

I showed my wife this story and she said: "Honey our youngest child is 21".

Sat, 08/11/2012 - 10:23 | 2697001 Theosebes Goodfellow
Theosebes Goodfellow's picture

I can see it now...

"Honey, suck dick or be sick. It's your choice. Oh, and don't forget to swallow!""

Fri, 08/10/2012 - 18:11 | 2695564 neilhorn
neilhorn's picture

I awoke with a terrible tast in my mouth this morning.

Fri, 08/10/2012 - 18:21 | 2695593 tenpanhandle
tenpanhandle's picture

Just a little bit of sympathetic reaction, nothing to worry about. 

Fri, 08/10/2012 - 18:40 | 2695632 neilhorn
neilhorn's picture

She always expects a kiss afterward.

Fri, 08/10/2012 - 19:46 | 2695771 Monedas
Monedas's picture

Have a nice weekend, y'all !

Fri, 08/10/2012 - 16:40 | 2695276 Ahmeexnal
Ahmeexnal's picture

sheeple are sheeple

Fri, 08/10/2012 - 17:17 | 2695390 Daily Bail
Daily Bail's picture

Until yesterday, details of this $2.4 trillion bailout program were a closely-held secret, only made public through a FOIA request by finance professor Dr. Linus Wilson.

Paulson was using X to guarantee 48X in assets:

NEW DETAILS - How Hank Paulson Guaranteed $2.4 TRILLION In Money Market Assets With A $50 Billion Bluff

Sat, 08/11/2012 - 12:31 | 2697429 jwoop66
jwoop66's picture

I love you fuckin' limies! Your off the chain!  How'd you let your country go down the tubes so bad?


Why are we hell bent on duplicating it?

Fri, 08/10/2012 - 16:40 | 2695279 govttrader
govttrader's picture

"Obama calls Phelps"   this merde is STILL funny!!!


Fri, 08/10/2012 - 16:46 | 2695296 Gully Foyle
Gully Foyle's picture

Lady at special olympics register: OK, now what's his condition?
Cartman's Mom: Umm... he's retarded
Lady at special olympics register: Uh... no I meant, what does he have? Cerebal Palsy, Attention Deficit Syndrome?
Cartman's Mom: Umm... I'm not sure... uh honey, what's your condition?
Cartman: How the hell should I know? I'm retarded. DUURRHH!

Fri, 08/10/2012 - 17:01 | 2695350 Dr. Richard Head
Dr. Richard Head's picture

Voting for Obama or Romney is just like the Special Olympics - No matters who wins, they are both still retarded.  HEY OHHHHHH!!!!

Fri, 08/10/2012 - 18:00 | 2695532 francis_sawyer
francis_sawyer's picture

They didn't build that short yellow bus (somebody else did)... But they ride in it...

Fri, 08/10/2012 - 16:49 | 2695305 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

Damn I forgot to send you your two week card in time for your birthday.

Fri, 08/10/2012 - 16:41 | 2695281 spastic_colon
spastic_colon's picture

And Michael....Please send your tax check for your medals directly to Ben

Fri, 08/10/2012 - 16:53 | 2695328 SheepRevolution
SheepRevolution's picture

And the tungsten in the medals also. It's tradition.

Fri, 08/10/2012 - 16:42 | 2695284 The Wizard of Oz
The Wizard of Oz's picture

Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field - Metro Radio

Fri, 08/10/2012 - 16:44 | 2695289 JohnG
JohnG's picture

Dammit I just shot bourbon through my nose.....the pain!

Fri, 08/10/2012 - 16:51 | 2695318 The Reich
The Reich's picture

... and I wasn't even drinking bourbon!

Fri, 08/10/2012 - 16:56 | 2695338 JohnG
JohnG's picture

Wast of perfectly good Wild Turkey....fuck, I'm still trying to stop my nose running.

Seriously, that felt like tear gas.  Shit.

Fri, 08/10/2012 - 18:02 | 2695537 francis_sawyer
francis_sawyer's picture

Give him the bird!

Fri, 08/10/2012 - 16:51 | 2695319 Lohn Jocke
Lohn Jocke's picture

That would make a great Olympic event.

Fri, 08/10/2012 - 16:46 | 2695291 sickofthepunx
sickofthepunx's picture


"You Olympians, however, know you didn't get here solely on your own power,” said Romney, who on Friday will attend the Opening Ceremonies of this year’s Summer Olympics. “For most of you, loving parents, sisters or brothers, encouraged your hopes, coaches guided, communities built venues in order to organize competitions. All Olympians stand on the shoulders of those who lifted them. We’ve already cheered the Olympians, let’s also cheer the parents, coaches, and communities. All right! [pumps fist]."


-actual romney quote from 2002 games

Fri, 08/10/2012 - 16:49 | 2695304 crawldaddy
crawldaddy's picture

other ones were funny, the Obama fake one wasnt.  I mean it goes without saying, that almost every freakin athlete says" they could of never done it by themselves,  without the help of.............."  THey each say it.  so why the controversy? 


Why are people on the right so fucking stupid?  what dont they get?

Fri, 08/10/2012 - 16:52 | 2695324 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

Their stupidity is only matched by those on the left.

Fri, 08/10/2012 - 16:54 | 2695330 crawldaddy
crawldaddy's picture

and example A of a right wing idiot chimes in.

Fri, 08/10/2012 - 16:59 | 2695343 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

 My politics have been clear the right is full of non-thinking idiots and the left is full of non-thinking idiots. Where do you fit into that description? I think I know. 

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